Boho Homo

The other day I was cleaning up my room when i stumbled across my copy of 'The Bohemian Manifesto' laying on the floor by my nightstand. I had started rereading the book a few weeks back when I was starting to get bored with everything in my life--not that I don't love everything about it but I have recently felt like life is just one big lather, rinse, repeat.

The thing is I always wished I was someone who was more exciting--one of those people who ends up at a different bar every weekend, takes road trips to out of the way places just because, spends one day camping and another camping it up over cocktails in West Hollywood. I want to spend my free time painting (though I never have), run around in crazy hats and weird outfits (Anything like that has been unintentional), to just jump on a plane at a moment's notice or end up at the underground scene by pure chance.

It's not that i don't love everything about my life-my dinners with the boy, hanging out with my friends, days sleeping in and night spent on the couch or in a backyard but there is a part of me that always thought my life would be much much more. I want stories that top Jaq's, to make Edie jealous with all the details, to be someone who's every story end and begins with something shocking. But somehow I also know that I am too cautious, too practical and too self aware to really be that person.

So instead i read about people who do those things and imagine what it could be like if it was me. Maybe someday i will even try.

A To Do List

- Finish figuring out which bills I would like to have paid off by end of summer.

- Find a new credit card for a good rate. (I might talk to Raquel about this.)

- Continue to work out my workout scheudle so I don't lose my slight ab defition.

- Talk to my mom about which American Girl Doll to buy for my sister

- Finally decide one way or another about that bench from Urban Outfitters

- Start approaching people for leads for my next job. (In terms of figuring out who I can comfortably approach for work)

- Make time to see Charity, email Lucy and get on the phone with Naomi

- Clean out some dead weight from my closet.

- Destress.

The Problem With Perfection

I am a perfectionist. I'm not sure where this trait comes from; whether it is a leftover from my childhood and the need to feel settled or just some natural desire I ahve always had for order. I make my bed everyday (give or take a day), my clothes are organized by color and function, and each night when I get off of work I repack my backpack and pick the next day's outfit while settling up breakfast and the coffee maker as I brush my teeth. It's just something I do.

But as of late, I have found myself growing frustrated more than needed when I can't get everything I want done. Whether it is my two workouts per day, setting aside my vitamins, or even getting to see everyone when I want and on time. I'm not really sure what needs to be adjusted at this point or how to let go of my need for control. Because that is really what is at stake, my need to feel like I can have, do, and make it all go exactly the way that I want. And when it doesn't I become this person I don't particular like to be around, muchless force on others.

Suggestions?

Moments with Rory

This is Where I work and the type of geeks I work with....



This is the screen on the printer at ,y desk....the geeks reprogrammed the screen to have lines from the '84' show up as a joke about BB. If only they put as much thought into there jobs....

Imperfect and Immortal

'Sixteen Candles' is one of my favorite films of all time. There is something about the character of Samantha that, for me, seems to encompasses so much of what to means to be a teenager; from the insecurity to the crushes to the jealousy. I am not saying it is a perfect film-in retrospect the entire Long Duck Dong plot is pretty damn offensive--but it is one of the best balanced teen films of all time.

I guess what I love about this film, and all of John Hughes films, is that he really seemed to understand how to write teenagers more than any group. He not only understood how they talk but how they socialize, how they want to be themselves but also what a struggle it was to get there. Most of all, he believed in their internal life.

How it was important it was to be accepted, to be kissed, to get drunk, to prove yourself to your peers, to try and be your own person, to survive a day at school, survive living with your own family but most importantly to be seen for more than just a child, more than just a stereotype, more than just a kid living in an adult world. It is something that almost anyone can relate to and what keeps his films with us, bought and viewed, quoted and loved.

Thank you

Six Months and Six Days

So me and the boy just celebrated our six month anniversary. It feels a bit strange (though it is stranger to know that Nolan and I have our anniversaries exactly 3 months apart) to know that somehow that I have not felt the six months at all. I mean, I know that Johnno and I have been together forever but it doesn't feel like forever.

Normally at this point I would start to be bored or get concerned about the cracks that would be starting to show in the relationship. Instead I find myself having long conversations with Johnno that I never had with any other boy--about money and families and careers--and we do things that I normal don't want to do--like learning how to cook and spending nights on the couch with wine and vodka. And I am fine with it.

If I am truthful, I am more than fine with where we are at in our relationship. I am more than fine with all the ways we work ourselves together from the sex and the conversation and the meals and sleeping. He makes me happier than I thought i could be and in ways I never knew I wanted. It is special in so many ways and unique in many others.

Cover Girl Is Not Just Make up

I am so excited about the G. I. Joe film. This is surprising to most people who know me but growing up I was really into the entire G. I. Joe franchise. Between my brother and I we had most of the toys from both sides of the story and my parents were really good about balance. Like if I had the Duke action figure my parents would give my brother Snake Eyes, if he got Destro then I would get the Baroness so that things stayed equal.

And this applied for all the toys we had as kids whether it be Transformers (I had Optimos Prime and he had Megatron) or He Man (I had He Man and Teela while my brother had Skelator and Evilynn) which made buying any gift easy because all you had to do was balance things out with an equal number of important toys. I guess that would be the easiest part of having two boys less then a year apart because we were almost guarenteed to have the same taste in the same things.

That being said-what I am most annoyed but excited by with this film is that one of the main characters is one of the few action figures my brother and I were never had. But i am pretty sure they fucked with the origin of that character so I might be unhappy but until then I will watch this trailer again and again

Sometimes, Most Times, It is Just You

So Johnno's parents were coming to town. he explained this to me a few months back-before I had a settled schedule for BB and a possible excuse to not have to meet them. I had been dodging any attempt to make concrete plans for the simple reason that I didn't really want to meet his parents. In general I don't like parents.

And this just doesn't just apply to boyfriends' parents but most any parents from roommates to friends to random co-workers. For some reason that sheer ideal of parental units makes me uncomfortable. I'm sure it has something to do with my own parental relationships-a combination of selfishness and independence, love and indifference,mixed emotions--but I'd like to think that it is not just me projecting my own issues on Johnno's family.

I think it has more to do with being the 'gay' boyfriend. Because whether or not we like to admit it, a huge part of what people think when they hear gay is they think sex. Not kissing or hand holding, not slow dancing or weddings, but weird, different, strange, unexpected sex in ways that makes some people uncomfortable. I don't know if this is true for most straight people but when I meet couples or hear about dating or find out someone's sexuality I don't normally picture them in bed--or maybe everyone does.

And when you add the parent angle into the situtation then everything become even more awkward. No one wants to picture their children having sex or think about their sex life or anything like that--we go from being little things they protect from the world to one day opening ourselves up to the world--it is hard transition at best. But when you add the gay factor it forces people to not only think about their children's sex life because it is that sex... the GAY sex... So you can imagine that even in a good situatution it is still a little weird.

And it didn't help that Johnno told me that his family had a bit of a hard adjustment to his coming out. Nothing crazy with fights or screaming, no one was disowned, but it was a bit of a rough process and one that really took, and still takes, time and effort with his family. I don't really have this problem mostly because my coming out had more to do with a million other cracks in my family besides the gay crack so I had little experience with how to figure out how to navigate the scenario.

Which is I was trying so hard to deflect the entire event.

It wasn't until late one night when Johnno and I were off to bed and he finally told me that he wanted me to go, that it was important to him, that given how serious we were that I had to go. I felt like that episode of 'Sex in The City' when Adrian's parents come town and Carrie tries to dodge the bullet and she ended up saying she didn't do with parents and Adrian is disappointed and lets her off the hook but at the end Carrie sucks it up and goes which works out for both Adrian and Carrie.... And I knew how the story has to work out but I was fighting against and in the end I realized I had to give in.

And it ended up being fine because most of what was holding me back was in the my head and not there at the table between courses of Italy food. I made jokes and conversations, played up my good qualities with bangs down and button up shirts and managed to not drink my way through the whole meal. It had some bumps and silences and moments where it felt me and Johnno against the world but at the end of the day it was fine and passable and worth it for me to try.

And as we said goodbye on the curb, I realized that I had over thought things, and that Johnno had over informed me, but that at the end of the day it was just a meal and just people meeting and that anything more than that was on me. That sometimes I am the crazy in the room....that maybe it is juts me

Moments with Rory



Here is a close up of the scary demon statue I walk by every morning. When I come off the late night, this is the most surreal thing to be lit up at night. Terrifying.

Flash Mobs and Other Tributes

So I never really wrote about Michale Jackson's death. I wasn't really sure how--when someone like that dies it raises all sorts of emotions that don't seem fair to share. I didn't know him, I didn't ever meet him, I was just a face in an unseen crowd.

But his music was something that was pivotal in my life. Whether it was as the Jackson Five, Michael pre 'Thriller' or Michael post 'Smooth Criminal' each period had songs that helped define my life. From 'P.Y.T.' to 'Can You Feel' to 'The Love You Save'--each song is a part of my existance, my memory, my past. And even though his life was a tragic, uncertain, and questionable mess it doesn't distract from the art he made.

And on the day he died I cried. I cried when Chloe first called me about Michael going to the hospital, when CNN confirmed his death, when the first clips aired of him as a child singing and all thorugh VH1's video marathon. I was lucky enough to be able to be with Edie and Valeska when his star of the Walk of Fame was revealed.



It was surreal to be among the various people in Hollywood as we listened to his music, danced along Hollywood Boulverade and help carry all the candles, flowers, cards and art that was made in honor of his life. When someone that huge dies it becomes a common moment for strangers and friends, co-workers and family, countries and neighborhoods. Bceause at the end of the day, music like his becomes a soundtrack to our lives whether as the soundtrack or just background noise. Words we know, dances we have seen and things we all shared as part of the cultural tapestry.

But what really pushed me to finally put down words regarding Michael Jackson was this weekend. My friends Cullen, Kelly, Valeska and Scarlett all headed downtown to be a part of a flashmob in honor of the popstar. Even though I was on the nightshift, with only 5 hours of sleep, I headed down to watch and document the whole moment from rehearsal to performance.

It took place this past Saturday in the heart of Hollywood and Highland aka the Oscar complex. One hundred and fifty people of all types who teamed up to, for a moment in time, take over a public place to recreate the dance steps that made 'Beat It' famous. And while I couldn't dance, I was lucky enough to be able to watch live as my friends were apart of a very loving tribute.





If you look at the bottom corners you can see Kelly in her white shirt with blue jeans as well as Cullen in his red cap and white t-shirt. The others are sprinkled around them as they owned the made the dance their own.

I am amazed at this tribute and think it is proper homage to Michael Jackson--someone who made me dance.

Moments With Rory

This is me




This is me mailing in the last payment to one of my four credit cards. This is the second card I have paid off in full since the last three weeks. It is so exciting to think I will be debt free (Sans student loans) by the end of this year.

Really exciting

Food Diary

So here is what was ate today



This was breakfast



This was lunch



This was snack



And this was dinner.

I am still kind of unsure about portion sizes but did seem to lose 5 pounds over 9 days so....maybe I am on the right track? Though I am concerned that my ab defintion seems to be going away and am worried that maybe I am working out too much and that my body is eating muscl over fat. Le sigh

Moments With Rory



This what I see everyday on my walk to work. Two very scary statues in the front yard of a very scary looking house and when you walk by late at night and half asleep--it is god awful. And the owner if is outside it is even scarier.

Food Diary

Here was ate today.... I am hoping for comments about my portion sizes.




Here is breakfast



Lunch




Snack



Dinner


Comment away

Frustrations

So I have been a bit annoyed with my body as of late. See I am doing this carb free/sugar free meal plan (not a diet) for the last few weeks and have yet to really see any difference in my body. I just don't feel like much has changed and if anything I feel a bit heavy then before I started the plan though I am not sure why.

There is part of me that says this could have something to do with the fact that I normally don't really eat that many carbs so I am not really cutting much out. It have something to do with the fact I am working out and possibly not eating enough causing my body to go into stravation mode or it could be that I am somehow eating too much which seems impossible but I don't know

And I hate that I am so overly concerned about all of this but I can see what few abdominal lines I have seem to be fading and I feel like my belly has become bigger for no real reason. And I am not sure if this is my own paranoia (Johnno swears he can tell I lost weight) or if I am somehow having this meal plan backfire on me.


So I have come up some plan of action but I am not sure really what it might be.

This Makes Me Happy--Which Might Make Me Shitty

I know, I know

By Ylan Q. Mui
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, July 16, 2009

Crocs were born of the economic boom.

The colorful foam clogs appeared in 2002, just as the country was recovering from a recession. Brash and bright, they were a cheap investment (about $30) that felt good and promised to last forever. Former president George W. Bush wore them. Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler wore them. Your grandma wore them. They roared along with the economy, mocked by the fashion world but selling 100 million pairs in seven years.

Then the boom times went bust, and Crocs went to the back of the closet.

The company had expanded to meet demand, but financially pressed customers cut back. Last year the company lost $185.1 million, slashed roughly 2,000 jobs and scrambled to find money to pay down millions in debt. Now it's stuck with a surplus of shoes, and its auditors have wondered if it can stay afloat. It has until the end of September to pay off its debt.

"The company's toast," said Damon Vickers, who manages an investment fund at Nine Points Capital Partners in Seattle. "They're zombie-ish. They're dead and they don't know it."

Two summers ago, Nancy Fisher of the District bought two pairs of Crocs, one green and one pink, for her daughters. The girls, now 8 and 12, wore them constantly and even got charms to decorate the tops. This year, the shoes are forgotten.

"They were their go-to," Fisher said, "and now they're just really interested in flip-flops."

The story of Crocs mirrors the country's tale of economic expansion and contraction. At the height of the real estate market, in 2006, the company sold shares to the public, raising more than $200 million in the biggest stock offering in shoe history. It ramped up manufacturing to keep up with demand, only to then find that shoppers were snapping their wallets shut.

Rachel Weingarten, a trend and marketing expert, has relegated Crocs to the wasteland of the comfort-shoe aisle. Maybe in a decade nostalgia will set in, said Weingarten, author of "Career and Corporate Cool." Then a pair of hot-pink Crocs dug from the back of the closet might inspire misty-eyed memories: "Remember when we had ugly, Flintstone-looking feet?"

Crocs not only had a look, they had a story. In 2002, three longtime friends from Boulder, Colo., got hold of technology developed in a Canadian laboratory in 1999 that created a lightweight, antimicrobial foam. They called it Croslite and molded it into a boating and water-sports shoe they named "Beach."

The shoes quickly developed a following among landlubbers as well. Gardeners touted their stability, runners enjoyed their light feel, and the chairman of the company's board wore them with his tuxedo.

The company used money from its public stock offering to diversify and acquire new businesses, such as Jibbitz, which makes charms designed to fit Crocs' ventilating holes, and Fury Hockey, which used Croslite to make sports gear. It built manufacturing plants in Mexico and China, operated distribution centers in the Netherlands and Japan, and forged into the global marketplace. More than half of Crocs were sold outside the United States.

Then, chief executive John Duerden wrote in an e-mail: "the industry was taken by surprise by the severity of the downturn. It affected us more than most because the brand had been gearing up for a continuation of the extraordinary growth in the prior years."

But the shoes were hitting a saturation point; the problem with a nearly indestructible product is that shoppers rarely need to replace it.

A foray into Croslite clothing in 2007 fell flat and was quickly scaled back. The company liquidated Fury Hockey last year.

"They had added a huge amount of infrastructure to meet this demand going forward," said Jeff Mintz, an analyst with Wedbush. "Demand fell off, and they had way too much capacity and way too much supply of product."

Who needs a second pair of Crocs in a recession, particularly when the first pair is holding up just fine?

The company swung from a profit of $168.2 million in fiscal year 2007 to a loss of $185.1 million last year. In its annual report, Crocs said that an independent auditor expressed concerns about "conditions that raise substantial doubt about our ability to continue." Its stock price has plummeted 76 percent.

Five months ago, the company announced that it was replacing chief executive Ron Snyder, who went to college with the company's founders, with Duerden, an industry veteran who ran a consulting firm focused on brand renewal. Duerden believes there is life yet in Crocs and plans to market them to caterers, medical workers and people with foot problems. Actor George Clooney has promised to work with the company, Duerden told analysts. Maybe he could wear a red pair.

"The bottom line is, people talk about Crocs," he said at a conference with analysts. "They either love them or hate them, but it's in the vernacular."

Forgotten Things

The MCR gets very cold during the night--I need to bring a jacket or something to keep me warm. I have to remember to return phone calls and comments on pages to all my friends because it is easy to fall off the face of the Earth when on a nightshift. I have to make some time to call my family between Meggie's birthday, Mike birthday and my mom birthday as well. i have to try and force myself to get some good sleep so that I don't drag all night long.

I have to remember to stay on my writing and my reading then I will be happy enough.

Little Billy Krammer

I am not sure what I am doing. I have spent the last few weeks with the boy, still in the midst of the sweet part, but finally getting to the place where it is starting to feel like a relationship and less of a idea of a relationship. We finally had our first fight--though it was more of a serious discussion with both of us teary than anything--which we got through with flying colors. It was awkward but not enough to give either of us pause and instead he spent the night cuddling instead of separate and seething.

But for some reason, I still find myself getting more and more difficult as of late. I'm not sure where it comes from; if it is from the diet and giving up sugar or if it is from being on the patch or if it is getting back to a work schedule or being super tired from just readjusting to life. I find myself being snappish without meaning to, feeling the harshness tone of my voice after it came out of my mouth and I know it shouldn't be happening. And it shouldn't be happening with Johnno and and I am not sure why it is.

All I know is I feel awful the moment afterwards and yet I don't know how to stop myself. And the problem is that I love Johnno to death, I have never had a moment of doubt about where we are with each other, and I have never felt so sure in such a small amount of time but I am somehow not able to not be difficult. This scares the hell out of me because I suddenly wondering if I am becoming the type of person I never wanted to be. If I was too single for too long and have become so jaded and standoffish that being with someone who treats me well is such a foreign idea that I am afraid to trust in it. It feels like I am somehow trying to test the relationship and gauge what Johnno feels by how fair he will let me go.

It's like I am little Billy Krammer with a spoon and a quart of ice cream, just daring Johnno to try and stop me.

Not A Diet

So Johnno and I have started on a new eating plan. It is basically like a no crab diet except it is really a no sugar meal plan for the first few weeks. It's been hard mostly because in the past when I've done it I have been able to eat certain things freely that I can't on this one. Johnno is really good at the food portion of the plan while I have really struggled--that said I am much better at the workout portion of things that he is.

That said, it's hard to be two gay boys in love when you can't do much. I also know that he is having a much quick bodt change than I am and it is kind of driving me crazy. It's not a competition but I would like to succeed.

But it is hard to avoid sugar and corn syrup and anything ending couse. (Spelling?) I like to be able to eat pretty quick with no prep but this plan has a lot of prep. But the bonus is I have learned how to make sugar free mayonaise as well as fake potatoes out of califlower. Both have turned out to be rather tasty if I say so myself.

Don't even get me started on fake sheppard's pie.

Sorry

I have been busy trying to adjust to a full work schedule. Between getting use to strum and drag of working full time with a revolving scheudle I have kind of let my blog--and writing in general--slack off.

It hasn't help things that I have started a new diet, returned back to a real gym schedule, going back on the patch, had Edie leave agin for a film, visits from both Naomi and Chloe as well as spending a ton of time with Johnno when my energy and mood allow.

Hopefully this week will allow me to get back into a proper schedule. I have a lot to say.