Weary

 Today is a hard day. I am trying to not be sad, to do things that make me happy (though the weather isn't helping) but it's not working. Tomorrow is my first day at this new, low paying, part time only, job that I really don't want. I know its not the job's fault but I am just so sad about the whole thing. And at some point I have to take out my nose ring so just another symbol of how much of me I am giving up.

And I don't really talk about this with anyone because it feels embarrassing--like I failed somehow even though I know that is not the case. I know my friends would get it but it doesn't make it sting any less. And I am certain that some would be annoyed since they have been out of work longer so they have more stress and time served than I do. (though it is not a competition) 

And it just makes me question life. Like what is the point of being committed? Doing the right thing? Sacrificing for things when the rug can still be ripped away from you regardless? Why shouldn't I just be smoking cigarettes and eating full pizza between lines of coke and gangbangs if nothing makes any difference? I fought so hard for so long and have been left with nothing of value.

What is the fucking point?

And I know I will be fine. I always survive but for once I just want to live. 

......

 hi.

so i guess i am back here again--trying to use words and place to figure out my head. i havent in a long time and im not sure why i stopped. life got busy? i was happy? i dont think those were the reasons but my judgement has been off for a while.

and now i am spinning out. i feel like i have lost a bit of myself with my career seemingly bottoming out. and not in  a fun way. i havent worked since last july--i have have just been running in place and bing surprised nothing is happening. and you can blame the strikes or streaming or monopolies but the work has dried up and i am standing in dead river bends. it would make sense if i did something wrong, got a show sued or blew out a budget but that is not what happened. the work just stopped. i feel like this is karma for how i didnt get it when all the factories closed in the 90s and the workers couldn't find new jobs and i was like--just learn something new already and move on.

now it's my turn to 'move on'

the thing is--this career is all i ever worked for and wanted... to be in the artist and help tell stories... share with people and now that opportunity is gone. i would love to say i can do it for free, its about the art and not the money but as someone who lived very poor and came out it--i dont want to go back. id rather die if i am honest. 

and that is a problem.

there is a part of me that is trying to romantize it--i have been other things and in other places than just television. windows for stores, counselors for teens, nanny for babies... it can just be a new me but i really like the old one.... and when i try to stop and think of how i can maybe course correct i just get stuck in my anger about being here in the first place which turns to sadness which turns in feeling just worn down.

i was reading something (aka watching instagram reels) about creating new goals and it stuck with me... i have always been a goal person because accomplishing them got me the things i needed. into a top tier school... into a national magazine...into a new city... to a life with friends who love me and people who see me... but now i feel like i have no goals (well besides surviving which doesn't feel like one) and i have pour my energy into other things like plants and working out and trying to solve the mystery of my never-ending allergies. and its all making things worse--maybe.

So now i am back here with words. where it all started back in the day and can maybe rebuild me now. i don't know but i am going to try again.

that and street skating which probably means i will have a busted arm shortly but for now i am back.

good times. 

just call me Dan

Recently I’ve been going out a lot… Not to a bunch of different places and not in an unsafe way but I’ve been spending a lot of time at my local bar. It’s actually kind of freaked me out because this is not someone I used to be. I think tonight was the first time I realized that maybe it was because I’m just really lonely…

i’ve been on a work from home situation since March 2020 and I think not having an office and coworkers to see as well as just being on a different schedule from the husband has created this lead in me. Not necessarily to talk with people though it’s always nice but this need to feel a part of something. I think I underestimated how much I enjoy the energy of being around others and it’s hard because everybody has their own set up for how to get through this. But between not having coworkersreally and just being on a separate schedule from my husband… It’s been a lot and my friends while they are great have their own lives – – they have their children to take care of or new boyfriends or they’re traveling across the world for work so I can’t really meet up with them so now I turn to strangers at a bar because it’s simpler. I wish I was some level that I didn’t feel this way but I also don’t know what I could replace it with. Television is boring painting hasn’t been great reading feels a little bit of a space but not enough…

And a week from now I finish my hell job and I don’t know what I’m going to do with all the free time. I don’t currently have a new job and so I’m going to be at loose ends but the good thing is the lack of money means I won’t go out so that will help. It’s just tough and it’s unfair for me to be upset at the people in my life who have so much more going on but it doesn’t take away from the loneliness.

I’m standing outside a bar and my skates are heavy and I am just trying to figure out who I am. I’ve let myself be so deconstructed the current events in my life that I have to be built. And then my friends nervous because I’ve made such a while but I’m gonna do the work and make myself better. Hopefully it’s enough

The saddest boy in Whoville

Tonight was just really sad… Technically tomorrow is my birthday but I was out tonight to go skating and I decided to go to the bar afterwards because Johnno had to go to bed early for school and work. It’s been a long time that I’ve been feeling lonely and tonight just really put a focus on it – – being at the bar at midnight when my birthday started and realizing I had nobody to celebrate with. And I know so much of this is my fault – – I’ve just hid my birthdate and I prioritize my job over my relationships and we’re still dealing with the repercussions of the stay at home order. I just felt really lonely and I haven’t felt that way since I was a kid and all of this started back up. And part of this loneliness is my fault. I have never trusted in my friendships or relationships of people and this is the outcome… The sense of loneliness and just feeling like maybe I don’t matter just so many people. I don’t know what to do with that feeling or how to reconcile between the life that I’ve built around me and the life that I feel like I’m living. I’m over thinking things and it’s late and I’m hungry and sleepy.  I need to wake up tomorrow and just trust the people who matter will show up and if not I have to think about what I need to do to bring them back into my life.

I am scared right now that I know the things I want but to go after them puts me at risk and I don’t know if I’m capable of that. It’s like when I’m skating and I know some tricks really well but there’s a bunch I don’t know and I’m worried if I try to learn them I’ll just send up hurting myself so I don’t move forward. I don’t want to be stagnant and I don’t want to settle but I don’t know how to trust that shaking off those elements won’t leave me more hurt. And I know I’m not the  only person who feels this way but I wish that one of those other people would share the secrets of how to get over this feeling

Back on the shit

It’s been almost 5 years since I’ve actually written here… And before that it was a much larger break. I recently feel like I’m regressing so it felt like it was the right time to turn back to here

There’s been a lot that’s happened and yet it still feels weird to do a recap of your own life when  you think you’re the only one reading it. But things have been slowly spiraling out of control and this is one of the tools I know works

I was lucky. I made it through the day to day of the pandemic with very little actual changes. Sure I work from home but I was working.Which was more than I could say some people. It was also good because I needed that distraction from all of the isolation that I felt… 

And it wasn’t that usual feeling that I think most people  had of being sad or alone… It was kind of a self filling prophecy in terms of how I see my importance to other people. The fact that some people I considered my closer friends fell off the map… The constant stories of people hosting Zooms and checking in and socially distance walks or drive-by birthdays none of which happened for me or for Matt wasn’t surprising and yet really hurt. 

And I did that thing that I’ve always done which is try to carry the weight of unhealthy relationships… In this case I was the one reaching out and setting up a zoom and checking in on people and sending stupid little presents all the while knowing that it wouldn’t be reciprocated and then it would hurt.

And for a while having a job & the hardship of working from home kept a lot of that self-destructing thoughts at bay – – and then the show wrapped and I was left with nothing but time on my hands and I started thinking about things. The pandemic for me at least was a good chance to sit down and say that – who are you been?

and for a while having the job and the hardship of working from home kept a lot of that self-destruct in us a day – – and then the show wrapped and I was like but I’m on my hands and I started thinking about things. The pandemic for me at least was a good chance to sit down and say that – who are you been?

Are you happy with your life… Do you wish that you had done certain things different… And when the world felt like it was ending did the people you invest in check in? And for a lot of people it was no….  And that was really hard to learn

And in some ways things were unexpectedly good… There are the people who did reach out or the reconnecting with people like Jen up north or Joe down the street or just having Neddy around to do stuff with. That I had to also make allowances for some people doing what they could the best way they could – – like Rick with his movie nights or Jen with her periodic check inns around everything going onin her family.

So I started to relax my expectations and make new spaces in ways for myself. And it was working. I also forced myself to be honest about choices I’ve made in the past – – times I said yes when I should’ve said no or times when I was too afraid to trust what I was being shown… To use that to make better choices and happier choices and more me choices.

and then my Nana died

She died of Covid and I don’t know if the situation was avoidable depending on who you talk to about what she was doing and how she was doing it but it still took me by surprise and hurt my heart. And when I reached out and told people I didn’t get the support I’ve given in the past. No cards or flowers, no phone calls to check in but some nice texts and then it was forgotten and that was that.

And it really hurt. For at least a handful of my closer friends when others have lost their families we tried to send flowers or cards and to be there for each other but when this happened to me it felt like a form of silence. Not from everyone but I expected better from most.

and I struggled to be fair about what I wanted and needed – – I had some people who told me that I wasn’t being fair to them but there was a part of me that says I’ve always gone out of my way. I’ve spent so much of my life just being available partially because I confuse being available with being cared for and they’re not the same thing.

So when the chance came to take a job I thought yes that will fill the space and let me not fixate on what I felt was disappointing people. I went so far as to ignore my instincts about the job and took it though I already was worried.

And now I’ve been working a job that I haven’t really had a day off since the end of April  – 12-13 hrs. during the week and usually another 9 to 10 hours each day of the weekend – – something to fill my time when we couldn’t leave our houses and we were not able to do the things we loved.  I fell back into that pattern of if I do everything then you need me and if you need me then you love me because I’ve never known how to just be loved because I don’t think I am very much.

it has been a terrible decision

I didn’t do well with the funeral when I went back in May – – being back around people who at times have not been there for me or I don’t know very well but yet being judged for not being who they needed me to be. Finding out some things about that we’re going on behind my back during my wedding or during certain trips to LA or even just finding out that my Nana thought I didn’t love her as much as she thought because I didn’t invite her to the wedding. Which wasn’t true but our wedding planner had fucked up all of our invitations and I was too stupid to double check what really happened with hers.

  To be made to feel bad for not just forgiving people their transgressions and just not get with the program. And I feel that way also about things with my friends – – that feeling of just they want me to pretend the last year didn’t happen and to not be hurt or not be holding them accountable.

And this job has allowed me to fall back into my most self destructive patterns in that on one hand I’m busy and they need me but on the other hand I’m risking all of these things about myself. That Matt has taken a backseat, that the few times since Los  Angeles reopened and my friends have done things I wasn’t able to go which meant I also didn’t have to see them when on some level I’m mad at some of them.

but now things have gone even farther – – because this job is so out of control with no real way for me to fix it I’m slowly falling apart. I am constantly on edge and sad… I’ve binged and I cried sometimes… After quitting for eight years in the last 10 days I’ve smoked two packs of cigarettes and I feel lost.

And I tried to quit the job because I knew something wasn’t right and then I was made to doubt myself when it was mentioned that maybe my emotions were stirred up by my Nana dying and then my uncle died three months later as well so when I went back for that funeral it was a double memorial service. And I thought maybe that’s right maybe I was just being unreasonable so I went back.

and now I am just so uncertain on some things and reckless on others. It’s like I know somethings wrong but I’m still going to do it and I know I am testing boundaries and dangerously close to crossing lines and yet I don’t know how to stop myself. My identity right now feels so in flux because the friend I thought I was didn’t have much value to the people I gave that friendship to. And this family that in someways is so delusional makes me question if I’m delusional. 

And so I work crazy hours and I take my little caffeine bombs or speed powder and I go rollerskating 3-4 times a week because it’s physical and it’s out of the apartment that I’m still also working out of and I don’t have to talk to anyone and yet I am around people and I feel like I’m just creating more distance and I think I want someone to save me but I also know thats not real….

i’m worried if I’m not careful that I’m just going to lose myself but I also don’t know if that sense of self is real. Is it built off of things that I got because I was there and not because they were meant for me. How much time have I wasted being that person for people or being that person at work or being that person sometimes to my husband. Maybe I’m trying to burn down the world to start it over…

or is this all the side effects of a job that’s terrible and is exploiting it’s people and the sleep deprivation because I don’t sleep because after a 13 hour day for my own mental health I have to do something that’s not work because I don’t want to live to work and then that leads me to sleeping only five hours a night because I am rollerskating or going to the bar or staying up late to watch bad TV…

I am hoping that writing and putting my thoughts out there to make them fit not together but at least somewhere on the canvas will give me some clarity. But I can step back and look and figure something out from what I’m doing

I’m just so raw right now and I don’t like it because a lot of this has not been by choice and it challenges my need for control. And maybe this is what supposed to shake me up but it fucking feels awful.

Older

There have been certain things I have been noticing lately that I am unable to put up with. I have some younger (not by much) gay friends in the bar scene who I am watching make the same mistakes again and again. Confusing loneliness with need, bad bed partners or trying to force couples to happen. For awhile I was doing the sassy older friend who knows better but now I have reached the point where I am like--

I DON'T CARE. FUCK UP YOUR LIFE. DON'T COMPLAIN TO ME.

I am finding people around me saying stupid things--hurtful things--ignorant things and in the past I would point this out, trying to help mend bridges or open lines of communication. Now I find myself distancing from those people and when I do say anything it's much more harsh. Like, don't say "fuck so and so's child' even as a joke. Or don't say it's rough for men right now and how do people not make the compliant the moment the sexual offense happens. It makes you sound stupid and makes people respect you less.

IT'S NOT OKAY.

And I don't know if this is about being older. Or maybe it is about the plethora of real issues going on around me; death, addiction, divorce, ambition. But I am tired of people who have no interest in trying to adult. Why waste my time? I don't know how much I have left.

NOW GET OFF MY LAWN.

New Things?

I spent this past Friday night randomly at a fundraiser for a local derby team... It wasn't planned but it got me thinking--maybe I need some more group activities away from said group. Rollerskating is one of my favorite things to do and I was OBSESSED with roller derby as a child. One of the few movies I owe is Whip It... Maybe this is my next big lifestyle change.

(Others being running, therapy for my anxiety, video games and cooking with cactus.)

There is also a part of me that says maybe starting a dangerous new trend at my age is not the best idea ever. Which then makes me feel old and I am not old and I would have to be careful about my back but I don't want to be a prisoner to pain.

Or maybe this is some kind of weird hipster death wish.

I don't know. I just want to put my wheels on. 

Things I Love

I am not a flower person but I am really into this adjustable iron vase from Urban Outfitters. I love the idea of having something slim enough for window sills but could be flipped around in a multi-tiered centerpiece with ease. Maybe once I get my next job I can work on this. 

Or maybe a new sofa instead--I'm nesting I guess.

REPOST: Roxane Gay's Rules for Female Friendship--or EVERYONE COULD USE THIS

1. Abandon the cultural myth that all female friendships must be bitchy, toxic or competitive. This myth is like heels and purses–pretty but designed to SLOW women down.
   1A. This is not to say women aren’t bitches or toxic or competitive sometimes but rather to say that these are not defining characteristics of female friendship, especially as you get older.
   1B. If you find that you are feeling bitchy, toxic or competitive toward the women who are supposed to be your closest friends, look at why and figure out how to fix it and/or find someone who can help you fix it.
2. A lot of ink is given over to mythologizing female friendships as curious, fragile relationships that are always intensely fraught. Stop reading writing that encourages this mythology.
3. If you are the kind of woman who says, “I’m mostly friends with guys,” and act like you’re proud of that, like that makes you closer to being a man or something and less of a woman as if being a woman is a bad thing, see Item 1B. It’s okay if most of your friends are guys, but if you champion this as a commentary on the nature of female friendships, well, soul search a little.
3A. If you feel like it’s hard to be friends with women, consider that maybe women aren’t the problem. Maybe it’s just you.
3B. I used to be this kind of woman. I’m sorry to judge.
4. Sometimes, your friends will date people you cannot stand. You can either be honest about your feelings or you can lie. There are good reasons for both. Sometimes you will be the person dating someone your friends cannot stand. If your man or woman is a scrub, just own it so you and your friends can talk about more interesting things. My go-to explanation is “I am dating an asshole because I’m lazy.” You are welcome to borrow it.
5. Want nothing but the best for your friends because when your friends are happy and successful, it’s probably going to be easier for you to be happy.
5A. If you’re having a rough go of it and a friend is having the best year ever and you need to think some dark thoughts about that, do it alone, with your therapist, or in your diary so that when you actually see your friend, you can avoid the myth discussed in Item 1.
5B. If you and your friend(s) are in the same field and you can collaborate or help each other, do this without shame. It’s not your fault your friends are awesome. Men invented nepotism and practically live by it. It’s okay for women to do it too.
5C. Don’t tear other women down, because even if they’re not your friends, they are women and this is just as important. This is not to say you cannot criticize other women, but understand the difference between criticizing constructively and tearing down cruelly.
5D. Everybody gossips, so if you are going to gossip about your friends, at least make it fun and interesting. As a corollary, never say “I never lie” or “I never gossip” because you are lying.
5E. Love your friends’ kids even if you don’t want or like children. Just do it.
6. Tell your friends the hard truths they need to hear. They might get pissed about it, but it’s probably for their own good. Once, my best friend told me to get my love life together and demanded an action plan, and it was irritating but also useful.
6A. Don’t be totally rude about truth telling and consider how much truth is actually needed to get the job done. Finesse goes a long way.
6B. These conversations are more fun when preceded by an emphatic “GIRL.”
7. Surround yourself with women you can get sloppy drunk with who won’t draw stupid things on your face if you pass out, and who will help you puke if you overcelebrate, and who will also tell you if you get sloppy drunk too much or behave badly when you are sloppy drunk.
8. Don’t flirt, have sex, or engage in emotional affairs with your friends’ significant others. This shouldn’t need to be said, but it needs to be said. That significant other is an asshole, and you don’t want to be involved with an asshole who’s used goods. If you want to be with an asshole, get a fresh asshole of your very own. They are abundant.
9. Don’t let your friends buy ugly outfits or accessories you don’t want to look at when you hang out. This is just common sense.
10. When something is wrong and you need to talk to your friends and they ask you how you are, don’t say “Fine.” They know you’re lying and it irritates them and a lot of time is wasted with the back-and-forth of “Are you sure?” and “Yes?” and “Really?” and “I AM FINE.” Tell your lady friends the truth so you can talk it out and either sulk companionably or move on to other topics.
11. If four people are dining, split the check evenly four ways. We are adults now. We don’t need to add up what each person had anymore. If you’re high rolling, just treat everyone and rotate who treats. If you’re still in the broke stage, do what you have to do.
12. If a friend sends a crazy email needing reassurance about love, life, family, or work, respond accordingly and in a timely manner even if it is just to say, “GIRL, I hear you.” If a friend sends you like 30 crazy emails needing reassurance about the same damn shit, be patient because one day that’s going to be you tearing up Gmail with your drama.
13. My mother’s favorite saying is “Qui se ressemble s’assemble.” Whenever she didn’t approve of whom I was spending time with, she’d say this ominously. It means, essentially, you are whom you surround yourself with.

Roxane Gay‘s writing has appeared or is forthcoming in Best American Mystery Stories 2014, Best American Short Stories 2012, Best Sex Writing 2012, A Public Space, McSweeney’s, Tin House, Oxford American, American Short Fiction, West Branch, Virginia Quarterly Review, NOON, The New York Times Book Review, Bookforum, Time, The Los Angeles Times, The Nation, The Rumpus, Salon, and many others. She is the co-editor of PANK. She is also the author of the books “Ayiti, An Untamed State,” “Bad Feminist” and “Hunger,” forthcoming from Harper in 2016.

OBSESSED with N.E.R.D & Rihanna - Lemon

Cant Win For Trying

So right now it feels like my life is falling apart. At first I was chalking it up to work stress--a long job with terrible conditions and unrealistic expectations. Then I thought it was because of being sick--unable to work out and unable to feel safe can weigh on you after awhile. And once both those things were under control I thought life would go back to normal.

Instead my stress and anxiety continues to be a problem. I struggle with not being mad a lot; am constantly disappointed in people that I trust and believe in. I feel like I am asking for simple things--do what you say you are doing, be respectful of my time and boundaries and when they are not... I get very frustrated.

But now I am getting blamed for being frustrated. Somehow I am not in the right for being upset if we get lost on a trip I was told was planned out. I am out of bounds for being annoyed that people want to wait and finalize places an hour before. That I am asking too much or not being fair and I am hearing is "I am irresponsible and how dare you hold me accountable for it Rory." "I want to wait and make sure there is no better plan or people to hang out with so you will have to wait until the last moment when I am sure you are my best option Rory"

It is making me start to be extremely resentful of the majority of people in my life. And I know if I treated them the same way, I would NEVER hear the end of it. I would be treated poorly as a result but how dare I do the same.

I do not know what the point of these relationships is any more.

Becoming Weird

I have becoming obsessed with food.... There are days when I am eating totally off the range and then there are nights like this where I feel so guilty about the bad nights that I only eat a can of tuna and a tomato with green beans and coconut water after my five mile run. And I don't know if that is good for me.

I feel like I have been trying to force my body to get somewhere and I don't know if it is cause I want to or all my friends writing about body image and having gastric surgery but I feel like I am keeping my head above water.

But there is the other part of me that says this is good and healthy. That just because I can buy awesome clothes in my size since Plus shops are a thing doesnt mean I shouldn't take care of myself. That I should want to run and workout and eat better because it is good to do so.

The problem is where the definition of the word good is coming from. The doctor/health side or the body image/look sexy in a mirror side. I guess that's the key problem--which is which?

Todays Motivation

Four More Years

Tonight is our fourth anniversary. We usually do something big--we've done Mexico and Ashland and Palm Springs but this year we stayed close to home, easy restaurants and time on the couch with TNN shows...

It can't always be glamorous.

The truth was that this past year was the hardest this far in our marriage. I spent part of the past year sick. Johnno took a position at a startup that seemed more like a stopping point than a job. I worked the hardest position I ever have while making the lowest pay in almost 6 years. We both struggle and sacrificed and it didn't always make us supportive or kind.

A lot of it sucked.

They always say the first year of marriage is the hardest. I always figured it was about changing roles, changing expectations of family and friends, the abandoning of some single behavior and the creation of what the married life would look like. And we were lucky--most of the things that happened that first year (leaving the Dollhouse, moving away from Edie for the first time in 10+ years, husbear losing his job)--were things that were beyond our control. They were a struggle and forced us to face problems head on as a couple.

This was a good thing.

This past year just shook us both in unexpected ways. Losing the show made me insecure about my career and talents, we both struggled with illness and solutions to them, our friendships have shifted and have added distance both physical and emotional. This was the first year where it truly felt like work and it was hard and ugly.

But it also felt necessary. It is easy to make things work when the cash is coming, when the parties are nonstop and everyone is always getting what they want. This year really was about "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health"--it was a wakeup call about the work this can be and also a reminder of what we are fighting for.

I'm not going to say I'm not a little bummed about how tonight turned--burgers and 'Major Case' reruns while we ate snacks from 7/11. But I also felt like we deserved it each more, felt each other more and loved each other more... Supposedly the fourth year present is an appliance or electronics--I feel like our gift this was to do a tune-up or two to get everything up and running.

Home Decor Fun

Just a little happiness--I wish I could do something this over the top.

Kaleidoscope

It's been a long time since I last wrote--a year and 10 months and a couple weeks give or take. I never really intended to stop writing but so many things happened at once and I was too scared or worried or raw or nervous to sit down to a keyboard.

It started with my show ending--6 years of 'Lockup' ended in a random phone call after the holiday break. I knew that something was up--the episode order had shrunk but we were going into an election and that was to be expected. But we were filming in a new location and I was FINALLY getting the chance to step up and become more of a story team leader. And we had a great location and a great team and it felt like Jim finally saw me as being good at  my job.

I was so excited and then so very crushed.

And rather than think about what was happening, I went into crisis control. How do I get the most days out of the show, how do I get to be the last one standing and how do I make everyone notice me. I didn't think about how upset I was or what a stumbling block it felt like. I did what I have always done since a child--be good, be perfect and don't let them see you break.

And it worked for the most part. Until it didn't.

I was upset once the show was done and there was no real attempt to move any of the story people to other shows at the company. All the AEs and editors were giving other shows, they moved around some of the support staff but the rest of us ended up with food from Islands and a slap on the back. I don't think I realized how personal I took it until I had some distance...

But I didn't write about it because I couldn't be honest without hurting my career and I couldn't make it  like a roman à clef which could be worse. So I just didn't write at all.

But why not write about something else? Because I was too scared.

During the same time the show was ending, I started having breathing issues. At first I thought it might be panic attacks or stress but my lungs didn't feel right. Then I thought it was my asthma flaring up due to seasonal changes until I blacked out lifting weights on the floor at the apartment.

This was new.

But every doctor I saw thought it was asthma or my weight gain (which happened after I stopped working to due to my blackout) instead of listening to me. It took three trips to urgent care before they took my blood oxygen properly--I had a level of 79 which is VERY BAD. But even after the ER visit they still were not sure--I had inhalers and pills and x-rays and tests. I couldn't walk about half staircases without sounding winded and I spent my time thinking about lung cancer or COPD...

I was so scared and tired I couldn't write.

Eventually my doctor guessed it was possibly untreated bronchitis and after 9 months they put me on aggressive steroids. It took awhile (and I am still not fully recovered) but they think it was that with some new allergies mixed in. I still have times when I can't breathe well and I have to sit or take a moment but I try to force myself forward.

I just wasn't ready for all of this change.

So I had to hide away from the world. Lick my wounds and take some space to resettle in my head and my heart. To heal and get perspective about what was happening around me, to me, for me. And it scared me away from this because I didn't know how to share. I forgot about how so much of this is about honesty and ownership. Of my words and my life.

Sorry if this seems to ramble but I am in the process of still adapting to change. Hopefully this will help--it always has in the past.

.....

It's a work in progress… but guess what it's coming back… It's been over a year and five months since I last wrote and I'm sure you are shivering with anticipation of what's happened… It's been a lot and that's gonna take some time to unpack but the blog shall ride again

Probably with some rebranding

The way my mind works

The way my mind works

Last night I was in my kitchen… Cleaning my Jesus dinner plates (he is the reason for the season) thinking he looks dirty, which made me think I would have made a bad Christian, which made me think I would have played a good Christian in Clueless, which made me wonder what happened to Justin Walker the actor…

It's really all just held together by gum dental floss and thumbtacks sometimes

Also according to Wikipedia Justin Walker owns a restaurant in California