This Is Why I watched.

Just a fan video of General Hospital.



So much of it makes me cry. But not sad enough to watch the current hot mess airing.

I miss it.

Random Body Issues

I feel like I am finally back on track. After having some issues with my back for the past week--I am now able to workout for days back to back and not wake up in extreme pain. If you have never had back issues then consider yourself lucky--I have had to many days for my age where I have had to hobble myself throughout the town and back just to get things done.

Johnno of course worries that I should do more. See a doctor or get pain meds or even a chiropractor for help. But I can never seem to get myself to a place to do that. I always thought I had no real phobias--besides needles and crowds--but I have come to see that maybe I do. I worry that seeing a doctor about my back will lead to a series of expensive tests with no real solutions.

I have no proof of this.

I was trying to figure out why I felt this way. Part of me knew that it had to do with my friend Ty--Kelly's ex boyfriend--who struggled with his own his back. He had multiple surgeries on his back but was still having problems--my worse case scenario. But it wasn't until the other night that I suddenly clued into what might be the base of my issue.

My father.

When I was about 9 or 10 he was in a car accident where he broke his back. He spent months in pain and in bed--unable to do anything at all. It was scary for me and something that obviously stuck with me more than I thought. And while he healed and has been fine for the most part--it still made me worry for myself.

And the worst part is when I have my back issues--I must be flashing on the moment on some level--but the other side of the coin is my body issues. Being unable to work out, to try and lose weight and build a better body makes me upset. And when I get too upset I spiral into bad food and bad drink choices. Next thing you know I am eating a bag of fancy crackers without thought and suddenly everything fits funky.

It makes me sad.

And then it just ties into all my other self esteem issues. Whether or not I am attractive, whether or not guys would like me if available, and how it all pays to my sense of being. It opens up doors that should be nail shut. So then whenever my back is even sore I freak out.

I need to find solution--or coping mechanism.

Not Such A Gleeful Sound

It's hard to write a novel.

Scratch that.

It's hard to write in general.

Obvious and yet...

It doesn't help that when you stumble across a top ten TV show, randomly late one night, not one that you watch but you know is very popular and you see your plot happening on the screen. Not kind of your plot but thisclose to being your plot--from the gay kid, to the prom queen as cruel joke, to the emotional retaking of one's personal power. if that is not enough to stop your typing dead in it's tracks then what is? It doesn't help matters any more when you HATE the TV show that the storyline was stolen to....

Yeah--I hate Glee.

So now of course I am left in a "what to do?" situation. Both Samuel and Johnno think that the plot can be saved and turned around. There are some noticeable differences in the two stories between the characters, the timetable and how it falls out which means it could feel different. And it is focusing me on different aspects of my characters and how to make my version of prom and the prom fallout work. But still

It's hard to feel original when your plot is suddenly and hugely in front of you on a "watercooler" show.

I guess I should feel special?

Bored--Not Brokenhearted

I need to do something new with my hair. This means I have to go beyond my usual Supercuts experience and deal with hipsters. But that might be for the best

Either something like this



Or more like this



They might not seem that different but there is a world of styling and maintenance between them. I don't know but i have to have something more than the current!

.....

I almost had a moment in Starbucks. I made the decision--over the course of the weekend--that I would not be returning to BB unless I was at least offered a serious chance at a promotion. I held out hope that I would get an interviewing or a meeting but instead they turned around and offered the same position as last season.

It was not enough.

I came to realization that what I have been doing wrong was thinking that BB had anything to do with my career. The truth is it has always been a job where they pay well but with nowhere to grow and no upward movement at all. Even my promotion last year and less to do with me than with they fired somebody and I was foolish enough to be the one who said yes. I just thought that after how hard I worked last year, how much blood sweat and tears I put into the process--I would get more back.

Instead I got nothing at all for the effort. Barely even a thank you. BB is not good for my career and that is what I should be working on building--BB has no interest in that either way. I gave them plenty of times to prove otherwise--yet here we are.

And yet it sucks. It is very good money, I have made some amazing friends while there and it is a HUGE part of my LA life... I'm going to miss cigarettes with Walker and Stangle, gossiping with Renita, Scofield, Bennet, the faux flirting with Little, Tommy and Bumble Bee, cracking jokes with TK and Roden, seeing my girls like the Double Ks, Mr. Eugene, Miss Emps and just the big hugs you get that first day back from the most unlikely people.

Oh--the sound of Don booming "Rory George Lapointe" across the compound.

I'm really sad about the decision and a little mopey even if I know it will be the right thing in the long run. I just have to try and remember that for the next few days.

Jem/Jerrica

I have had a weird past few days. Nothing particular set them off, no drama, no crisis, nothing at all. I just--once again--realized that maybe I am my own biggest flaw or enemy or something...

I'm trying not to be negative.

Johnno had an old co-worker of his from the bookstore over to watch the royal wedding at the Dollhouse. I had come home from work and had plans to nap before meeting up with Joy to go over plans for her party. I figured I would meet the friend, be social and have a drink and then head out the door and on the streets. It seemed simple and it would be nice to meet someone that Johnno knew in LA from outside my social group because there is not a lot of those people.

But for some reason I was incredibly nervous when I woke up and came out into the living room. There was no reason to be--the guy friend hadn't really done anything to set me ill at ease--but I could not get comfortable. Instead I kind of slinked around the house, killing time before I managed to leave for my plans. I did talk and introduce myself but I just couldn't get comfortable.

I'm sure I came off as an asshole.

And as I made my way to Joy's I couldn't help but beat myself up. There is the part of me that knows I can be shy and aloof at points but there is the other me that likes clothes and dancing and being social--somehow I think this is the "Jerrica " side to me (AKA the real persona like in the show Jem!). That the shy and aloof side is the "Jem" personality that only comes out at random times. But nothing could be further than the truth and I don't know why my first reaction is that way.

I talked about this later with Kirby and she said that it is obvious when I am uncomfortable and I am always uncomfortable meeting new people. She pointed out that it is a very obvious facial thing I do and have always done--it doesn't make me friendly. I explained that i usually wait to see if the other person has any interest before engaging people and she said that maybe that was the problem.

I think she might be right.

But i don't know how to put away that self defense tool. It is something i have had for a long time and served me years of good. Unlike the Kirby's, Johnno's, and Edie's of the world I have no idea how to "fake it". Not in a negative sense but in the sense of just being so confident about their own personalities. Maybe that is the problem--I have confused my confidence in my own accomplishments, my own skill set that i never learned to be confident in my own personality. and I don't really know if there is a way to do that.

I would like to be more of a Jem than Jerrica. The irony is that Jem is totally fake. Maybe that is the core problem--i never learned that skill. Not that I'm saying people in my life are fake--they are not--but they always manage some type of interest or energy I can't mustard up until I am invested.

My bad.

In Case You Wanted to See

Prince



So close to the stage and yet transfixed by the monitor.



This picture makes us look further away than we were. But still--you can see the stage!!!!



I suspect he can hear me screaming his name.

Le sigh

A Thought On Today


Osama bin Laden is dead. One Buddhist’s response.

by Susan Piver



“In the Shambhala warrior tradition, we say you should only have to kill an enemy once every thousand years.” –Chogyam Trungpa

So, Osama bin Laden is dead. We killed him. There really was no choice. We were clearly in an “us or them” situation and if we didn’t kill him, he was going to continue to do everything in his power to kill us.

As Buddhists, we are supposed to abhor all killing, but what do you do when someone is trying to kill you? Obviously great theologians have pondered this question for millennia and I’m not going to try to pile on with my point of view, which would be totally useless.

Instead, I’ll pose this question: How do you kill your enemy in a way that puts a stop to violence rather than escalates it?

Strangely, I keep coming back to the same rather ordinary conclusion: the answer is in our ability to face our emotions. When we know how to relate to our anger, hatred, despair, and frustration fully and properly, they self-liberate. When we don’t, when we can’t tolerate them and therefore act them out, we create enormous sorrow and confusion.

Look at your own reaction this morning.

Was there even a hint of vengefulness or gladness at Osama bin Laden’s death? If so, that is a real problem. Whatever suffering he may have experienced cannot reverse even one moment of the suffering he caused. If you believe his death is a form of compensation, you are deluded.

There has been an outpouring of misdirected jubilation, as if a contest had been won. Nothing has been won. Unlike winning a sporting event, this doesn’t mean that our team has triumphed. Far from it. There is only one team and it is us.

One of us is gone, one horrific, terrible, vicious one of us…is gone. I don’t feel regret for him or about this. I’m regretful for the rest of us who are now left thinking that this is a cause for celebration. It is not. It is a cause for sorrow at our continued inability to realize that there is no such thing as us and them; that whatever we do to cause harm to one will harm us all.

When we hate, we cause hate. When we think we have won by vanquishing our enemy, we have lost. In killing Osama bin Laden, “they” lose because one of their leaders is gone. But we lose too, because we have deepened the causes and conditions that lead to more hatred and its consequences. This is not over.

Then, what to do? I don’t really know, but for me, rather than cheering on this day, I’m going to rededicate myself to the idea of brotherhood towards all, even those that want me dead—and not because I’m some kind of really good person. I’m not. Because I know it’s the only way to stay alive—in the only kind of world I want to inhabit.

Perhaps the way to kill your enemy as a way of putting a stop to violence rather than escalating is to shift our view of “enemy” altogether. Our enemy is not one person or country or belief system. It is our unwillingness to feel the sorrow of others—who are none other than us.

So take aim at this enemy completely and precisely. Feel your sadness for us and them so fully and completely that all boundaries are dissolved and we are left standing face to face, human to human, each feeling the other’s rage and despair as our own, one world to care for.

If you’d like to try to generate such a switch, please try loving kindness meditation. [listen] Here is audio instruction in the practice.

“…when you do not produce another force of hatred, the opposing force collapses.”– Chogyam Trungpa