Monday, November 08, 2010

Worries and Words

So I have been reworking my novel and it has been rather complicated and difficult. Both Johnno and Samuel have given me notes, good notes, and it has made me rethink certain aspects of the story. I have been recapping each chapter on notecards and breaking them down scene by scene.

Part of the issue has been knowing that i have to scale back the story, count down on word count, and reshuffle the events in the story. I think that I may even have to restart and rework what I have written so far which scares me.

It scares me because I am worried that I am making excuses not to finish my rough draft. And I am getting to the point where it feels difficult to call myself writer when I can't finish a novel--I wouldn't call some a dress designer if they couldn't finish a dress, a painter who never finishes a canvas or a songwriter who never made a song out loud.

So now this means that I am doubting myself and my ability but more importantly my commitment as a writer. And I am scared if I can't put down a finished rough draft of a story i care about--then what does it mean about me as an artist? As a creative person?

Or am I being too hard on myself? Am I turning my creative process into a self-defeating one? And how do I get past this? Do I wait on the new words to fix the old ones and hope that causes me to become more focused and driven? Or is this the start of me letting go of my dreams?

And who does that make me?

1 comment:

jen said...

i'm in similar headspace. i don't call myself a writer really. i don't tell people i am one. i just write and try to just remind myself that I KNOW i'm a writer. I don't need proof.

people are asking me if i'm going to finish last year's novel. i made my word count but as we all know, that's just a #. the story isn't done and my answer is a definite no. i will not finish it. because i don't like the piece and i'd rather have it die. i've never finished a novel but i will still call myself, and you my dear sir, a writer. a writer is someone who writes. we both do that more than other people we know and we think about it. we have a process about it. it's in our dna.

i started nanowrimo this year with a pffft. i decided to be crazy and handwrite the thing. and i decided not to write a novel but a collection of short stories.

i'm 98% sure i will not hit 50,000 words by the end of the month.