It Is What It Is

Things have been weird. This past week has been an influx of life--two friends announced new babies, there was an elopement, there two engagements--it has been a bit much. The sudden feeling of life starting to gear up and get more serious with more changes to come.

See, i always felt that the 20s were about who you were and who you wanted to be... Making the the perfect balance between where you came from and where you wanted to go. It's a struggle and a balance of sorts that has to be dealt with; a necessary self examination of goals and history so that you could figure out the next steps of life.

But the 30s is about what life you are working towards. You begin to make choices; will i get married? will I have a family? Am I making a career? Am i making a home for myself. It becomes about the end game, the actual goals that are being accomplished and what they really mean to you.

I think that is why the novel has become so important. i am looking at where I am going with my life, where my choices really are taking me. part of it is about whether I am making a career that I want. That i might have to consider that I will not be having children or having a home in the traditional sense. And if i am making those choices--am i doing it for reasons i can live with?

It's been very hard and very adult. Events of the last week have really driven the point home to me and now I have to start really questioning and pushing and creating the things, relationships and moments that will take me to the next step.

It's a bit much--but it is what it is.

Turning A Curve Into A Line

I have been spending a lot of time watching football and playing pool. I spend my Sundays on the floor at Dominic's house and my weekends, every other one, at a pool table somewhere in this city.

It feels like I'm turning straight

Now this doesn't mean I get what i am doing--I don't really understand football and pool continues to be an embarrassing public affair--but I am learning to try and appreciate new things. this is unlike me because I normally have to have something perfected before I can take it out of the house but somehow Johnno convinces me that everything will be alright.

It's kind of amazing how he is doing that.

So instead of being worked up and worried about appearing dumb or clumsy I work on trying to find myself doing better, getting smarter. Now I'm not about to quote stats or run the pool table anytime soon but it's nice to know that I have the skill set to at least try.

I think that is what I am learning the most--that and how to be butch. Really butch!

It's A Little Bit Late But Just On Time

So I should have written this entry a week ago--Johnno and I celebrated the six month anniversary of living together. We went out to dinner before spending the night playing pool and trivia at the local tranny bar. It was nice and sweet and something we needed to go out and do for ourselves.

The funny thing is that living together has seemed like the easiest thing in the whole wide world. Sure we have had to adjust to sleep patterns and personal space issues but for the most part I find myself comforted by the fact that we start and end each day together. It is silly and romantic but i like the idea that he is the first and last person I see and vise versa.

In the words of "Kill Bill 2"--he is my favorite person.

And i continue to be amazed by how well he work things out together, the balance that we continue to refine each day through the good and the bad. there are some things that I have to work on but so does Johnno.... It is a process but one I am so grateful to have started. I'm not saying forever but i'm not ignoring that either.

But if these 6 months are how things will be for a long while--then I can be happy

Worries and Words

So I have been reworking my novel and it has been rather complicated and difficult. Both Johnno and Samuel have given me notes, good notes, and it has made me rethink certain aspects of the story. I have been recapping each chapter on notecards and breaking them down scene by scene.

Part of the issue has been knowing that i have to scale back the story, count down on word count, and reshuffle the events in the story. I think that I may even have to restart and rework what I have written so far which scares me.

It scares me because I am worried that I am making excuses not to finish my rough draft. And I am getting to the point where it feels difficult to call myself writer when I can't finish a novel--I wouldn't call some a dress designer if they couldn't finish a dress, a painter who never finishes a canvas or a songwriter who never made a song out loud.

So now this means that I am doubting myself and my ability but more importantly my commitment as a writer. And I am scared if I can't put down a finished rough draft of a story i care about--then what does it mean about me as an artist? As a creative person?

Or am I being too hard on myself? Am I turning my creative process into a self-defeating one? And how do I get past this? Do I wait on the new words to fix the old ones and hope that causes me to become more focused and driven? Or is this the start of me letting go of my dreams?

And who does that make me?

Le Sigh

So I decided to do NaNoWri again this year. I'm cheating because I am actually using the goal of the project to force me to finish my rough draft of my previous NaNoWriMo. What is depressing is that I feel like I have GROSSLY overwritten my book and i'm not even halfway where I have to be. It is 80,000 plus words and I still haven't gotten to the heart of the story and I am lost.

What sucks is that the few people who have read the book thus far like it. They like the characters and the plot which makes things hard because I know at some point i am going to have to cut so much out to get it the standard young adult size. It makes it hard to keep going and yet I know I have to.

I need to have a finished novel under my belt if I want to call myself a writer still. and yet i am at a loss of sorts.