Tuesday, August 04, 2015

Rory By Nature or OCD

So this past weekend was the annual trip to hang out in a cabin by a river in Minnesota... My friend Jeremy has thrown this weekend event for 13 years and myself and Johnno started going after Jeremy's sister Edie invited us…

This is the first year I went since I quit smoking.

So while I know a lot of people at the event from the last few years it's always hard for me to get a grasp on the social situation the first few days… My one trade off from quitting smoking was that I discovered I have pretty serious social anxiety combined with OCD which can be a bit much when dealing with people...

And I know that at times this causes people to think I am aloof and more bitchy than I am which sucks because I want to be better but I don't know how to do that... Even with the LA people who go like Johnno and Lola and Dominic and Bella and Valeska I still suffer abit and people think I don't want to fit in.

But I also don't know how much of my anxiety comes from a mental place or how much of it comes from how I grew up as a gay kid and learning to deal with straight guys in particular... I came to believe they couldnt usually be very trusted and to be especially on guard if they were sporty or jockish or super butch--that's how you end up tied to a fence post.

And while I definitely have a lot of straight male friends nowadays when I meet someone new I still have to wait and feel them out before I can really talk to them... I used to think smoking gave me a reason to leave without being too much of a douche bag so now...

I don't know how to manage this.

And what sucks is I don't want people to think I'm not having a good time or that I don't want to be there for any of those things because the event is one of the few that actually makes me really happy. It gives me some good headspace away from all the Los Angeles shit and feels like family.

Something I don't have a ton of.

So now I'm at a loss--do I go on meds? therapy? Join a fight club? I just don't know 

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