Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Take Back The Night

I have had few regrets in my life--times when i should have stayed dressed but got naked, turned wine into water so that I would feel better, times when I should have called instead of emailing... I am more than capable of screwing up on my own.

But there are times when I haven't screwed up, when what I was accused of was unfair, or being held accountable to standards that I never knew. It doesn't happen much because I refuse to take it but, refuse to back down, refuse unearned blame....

Until Lizzie.

She was part of the group, one of my core friends, someone I gave a lot to who just one day blew my world apart. She decided she didn't want to be our friend anymore, spent her time accusing us of being awful people and walked all over us. It was painful and mean and unnecessary--if she wanted a different life she could go and have it--she didn't need to set us all on fire.

And as the last stand for our friendship--I threw her a last minute birthday party out on the town at a crazy fetish club with a large group of our friends. It was something she always wanted to do, something that she had talked about for years and I put the plan in motion to surprise her with wigs, make up and outfit options before we took her on the town.

It ended up being a disaster.

The night itself was fun--everyone got into the evening and there was drinking and dancing and dirty little moments abounded. We all enjoyed the shows and the spanking table and the sexiness of the evening and the car ride home was one of the best we ever had. Everyone was happy and gleeful and memorable. Even Lizzie

It was the days after--when I was accused of throwing a party to manipulate her, that everything we did was meant to be selfish and unfair to her, and it ended with a dramatic phone call where I just finally closed the chapter. Done.

But it made the night become one of infamy. All my memories of the fun became about how much Lizzie turned it against us, how resentful i was that she took something that had been great and shit all over it. It made me hate that day.

Until now.

Edie found out that the club night was closing and decided it was time for us to go ahead and give it a fond send off. She put the ball in motion but Lola and Kelly made it a reailty--that we did need to go and have one last blast and in the process reclaim the situation. So we all put on our best corsets and wings, hats and heels, glitter and lipstick for the last night of the big show.

Was it different? Of course it was--different people have come into our lives since then and were apart of it like Bailey and Johnno... We have all become slightly different and hopefully better people since then and were definitely able to spend more money and make it more of a show.

But more importantly--it reminded me of how good the first night there was. It is hard when someone walks out of your life, someone who attacks you and blames you, someone who makes you question your intents and qualities. But now I see both nights clearly and know it wasn't me that destroyed everything. I did play a part--I'm not perfect--but I was did try to fix things and try to be a better friend.

That is all you can do somethings.

And the irony is that it took a night of go go dancers, s&m theme theater, man-liner and a bunch of drinks and dances to remember that. That as long as I can say I tried then I don't have to stew in the past; I did do all that I could. I did try to take back the friendship but couldn't.

And now I have taken back that night.

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