Monday, May 10, 2010

More than Illusion.

Sorry I haven’t written much.

Ever have something that is so special and unique that you’re almost afraid of it? Like the European B-side of a Rufus Wainwright album? Or the latest novel from your favorite novelist. Or maybe the perfect pair of black shoes that you have been stalking for months that suddenly went on sale and they only had your size left?

Like one of those type things.

And it is scary to have those type of things. Like the moment you use it, enjoy, own it then it suddenly feels as if the uniqueness and magic of it would be gone. So you find a million little ways to save it and then you get to the point where it becomes so big and overwhelming that you don’t know how to actually bring yourself to take away the magic.

This is a roundabout way of saying that Johnno is moving in the Dollhouse with Edie, Lola and me. I just haven’t been ready to share that with anyone because it still feels so surreal and fragile and in process but now it is at the point where the information is leaking out randomly and it’s time to make the grand gesture.

I will be living with my boyfriend for the first time ever.

I will also continue to live with the princess and the trouble-maker. In the words of Edie-“It’s going to a non stop dance party”. And it does have that club/slumber party vibe already and it just continues to feel more and more standard and normal.

Insert freak out here.

It came about through my usual combination of random events mixed with serendipity and self examination. I had been trying to figure out the core of my frustration and issues that kept coming up over the course of my weekend-I would just be so stressed and overwhelmed and I would get snappish and moody and I couldn’t figure it out. After a few email exchanges via blogs with a friend in a similar situation, I came to realize that what was really going on was quite simple.

I was upset at wasting time when all I wanted to do was just be able to be with Johnno. I felt like I was constantly running out of time with him and so anything that seemed to get in the way of us just being able to enjoy ourselves made me so ragey and cranky that I was pushing things away.

At the end of the day I wanted to live with him.

But once I realized this-I was at a loss. Because I love the Dollhouse and my roommates, I loved the cheap rent and great location, and it really is my home. I love everything about it from the walls we’ve painted to the art I’ve hung over the years to the crazy amounts of beauty products in any one given location of the apartment. But I love it most of all for the simple fact that it is big enough for a dance party at any given time.

My hands felt tied--I have lived at Woodbridge Park longer than anywhere in my entire life and the idea of giving it up made me nauseous. When a relationship has gone this far in the past I have been able to make timelines about when I would have to deal with moving out to move in with some—usually far off dates that would be adjust so that they stayed far off.. I don’t think I ever did it on purpose but I did it regardless. But with Johnno I felt I couldn’t keep doing that.

I wanted him more than I want my illusion of home centered independence.

So then the question became about what to do with myself.

1 comment:

smababy said...

!!! :) <3 !!!