Damned if You Do

So I have gotten myself in a slightly sticky situtation as of late. In short, I opened my mouth about something when I didn't have the full story and half opened a can of worms. I now know the full monty and have to try and figure out how to fix things without making anything worse.

And I hate when I do this.

If there is one sin I am completely and regularly guilty of is overstepping my bounds. I try to be a mediator when it comes to my group of friends to prevent drama and miscomunication but sometimes that has the opposite effect. I hate when I do this--get involved to help but make the situation more murky than it needed to be.

LE sigh

Now I am off to send an email and clean up my mess before it becomes someelse's mess.

Deal Breaker

I hate hwne I do this. When I make a deal with someone that is a positive and good thing then turn around and break the deal with ease. It's not anything bad, as a matter of fact it is good, but I know that I have to hold myself back from here on out.

I spent this morning with Kelly shopping for Black Friday. We hit the mall in Northridge to try and score some gifts for the various people on our lists. This isn't a bad thing but I did something I promised I wouldn't.

A while back I made a promise to Johnno that neither of us would break a spending cap of seventy five dollars on each other. i did this because I hate that awkwardness that can come from either being too generous or not generous enough. I find gift giving hard and even more so with someone I am dating. There is always a temptation to go out and get everything I think their heart desires meanwhile I end up with very little. Which is fine.

I'm not greedy

But it makes things weird because the person who is spoiled ends up feeling guilty about not doing enough. This can throw off the balance of the gift exchange and can make one person feel badly--whether for flaunting their money or not having enough to give the other person. So I made the deal to avoid that.

I also broke the spending cap about 25 minutes into shopping with Kelly. I feel bad about it and while I know he will love everythng I have for him it is still not okay.

At least his birthday falls right after Christmas. I can split up the gifts then!

What I am thankful for...

I didn't get a chance to say what I was thankful for this year at dinner. Johnno and I had dinner at Johnno and Kelly's new house along with Dominic. Johnny's dad came up from the OC and joined us for the meal and I was a bit off when it came time to list off what I was thankful for.

I always have a fear when it comes to people's parents, one that makes me hold back and bite my tongue in more ways than normal. I worry that i will be the bad friend, the bad influence, the one that makes people's parents worry about their adult children. I smoke, I curse, I'm gay and I can be quite cutting without meaing too. So when it came time to say what I was really happy about in the past year I didn't say much. And I kind of regret it.... So i decided to bring my list here...

1) I am thankful Kelly and Johnno found the perfect house to rent. They needed the space not only for their belonging but because they are social and like to host things and I think Kelly really missed out on being able to do that.

2) I am grateful that Kirby is working so much. For son long I know she worried about what she was doing in Los Angeles and I think working, and being good at it, has helped her so much.

3) Even with the Tranny Tree, I am still very thankful that Lola is apart of the Dollhouse. She is fun and maddening and we have such a great vibe so much of the time that it makes me happy to be home and not go out. It's nice.

4) That I will have both Edie and Valeska in town together for the foreseeable future. As much as it is not ideal for them, I am greedy in that I like the idea of my girlfriends being home here in LA.

5) I am grateful that I have been able to show Sabine, through actions and deeds, how much I value her place in my life. Things have been crazy and we haven't always seen each other much but when we do we have real moments.

6) I am thankful for how much Ali and mine's friendship has grown in the past two years. We were always friends but i feel like we turned some corner and became close and more real with each other. I like it.

7) I am happy that Nolan has a girlfriend who makes him so happy. Sometimes I wish I saw him more but I know that he is out there and is in love with someone who is constantly amazed and amazing.

8) That my brother has finally started to make steps to fix his relationships within my family. He is growing up and learning how and where the past fit and making an effort to make things better than they have been. It's very surreal but very touching.

9) I am grateful that Dominic respects our friendship enough to be open and honest with me. I have always known he has more going on then he allows to be known but to realize that he values our dymanic so much makes me feel honored.

10) I am most thankful that I took a chance and followed through on trying to date and how it lead me to Johnno. I am in love with someone who is so wonderful and giving and charming and funny and a million other things I never thought I would have. He has made the past year so much more than it could have been.

Thanksgiving Curse

So this past week I had kidney pains--nothing bone crunching or truly painful but, like a worked muscle, I was suddenly just really aware of them. And, in a moment of foolishness, I decided to take a look on-line and see what it could mean.

This is a bad idea wrapped in bad idea jeans with a lit cigarette and a bottle of Aqua Net. Just saying.

Needless to say, the next day I made my way to a clinic in Hollywood to try and get to the bottom of things. After you read words like 'failure' you tend to get on board with a doctor visit real quick. And going to a new doctor is terrible and makes me nervous and all I could think about was the Thanksgiving Curse.

Almost 6 years ago, I was horribly sick a few days before the holiday, so much so that I could barely walk. My friend Charity had to take me to the ER because I could not get up off my couch I was in such pain. I mean, I cried in public ALOT and this is not who I choose to be. The doctors were never fully sure what I had outside of an infect that caused swelling that pushed against my spinal cord. A few days with drugs, no sugar, no alcohol, no coffee and I was close to being upwardly mobile.

And I ended up fine.

But every year since then something seems to happen badly on Thanksgiving-if not to me then people I love. It is enough to make me dread the last few days leading up to the holdiay and makes me super sensativbe to anything that happens in the last few days of November.

So I was dreading the doctor visit and was afraid something terrible might happen. Instead, it turns out I was fine and the doctor was great and all I needed was to work on my water intake and just be aware if it continues for the next few days. The pain has gone away already and I feel like a million dollars. The curse is broken!

Except for the fact that I have to cook for the actual day. Here's hoping there is no black potatoes this year like 7 years ago. Because that would be a fitting way for fate to reassert the curse

Top Ten Things

I know lists are a cop out but it is what I am feeling.I have been thinking a lot about what I think is sexy, clever and cute when it comes to guys--I blame it on working on the novel and the teenage view of crushing

1) Flip flops with jeans and long sleeve shirts. There is something that screams casual and free wheeling when a guy pulls himself together but keeps the playful footwear.

2) Glasses. It is probably the pseudo intellect but I love a guy in glasses. I was heartbroken as a child that I could not wear them.

3) Shaggy hair. There is something charming and careless abot a guy with shaggy hair. He isn't trying too hard and yet it is still kind of styled and whimsical.

4) A bit of fat. A guy who works out too much freaks me out. Abs are great and arms can been hot but when a guy looks like he needs the gym everyday then I wonder when he would have time for me.

5) Guys with babies. There is something so manly and yet sensative about a guy with a baby in his arms. It also means, usually, that he can have a funcitional relationship long enough to get a child and has no comittment issues.

6) Reading on the subway. I like anyone who really loves to read and there is something really attractive about a guy who uses his time well and loves the written word. It is very East Coast college.

7) Guys who know how to dance. Anyone who can move and feel the music without feeling awkward or weird is someone I admire. I'm not the best at that myself so I find it a turn on.

8) Artists who work in public. There is something about a guy at a cafe table working on a sketch, at a park scribbling in a journal, painting with the door open in his apartment. Someone who has is drawn to art is someone who has something to share.

9) Ties for no reason. I like a guy who wears a tie for no reason because it says something about how polished he is for his own reasons. It is sexy to see that dashing look without being at an office or an wedding.

10) Guys who hold hands. Something about being comfortable in their relationship is put out to the world when they do that. Like they want the entire world to know they are in love.

I am curious about other people's lists. What works for you?

A Sample

Lucy did this on her blog and I thought it wa a great idea. This is just a small sample of my novel--the set up is that it is a young adult novel where Timothy (The lead character) has decided to stop taking crap for being gay and has a showdown with one of the high school jocks.

Jasper pulled again on Timothy’s arm. “Let’s go,” the British boy pleaded and Timothy let him lead as he stepped away from the jock.
“Fucking faggot freak.” Morgan’s voice was low but echoed across the hall. Timothy stopped dead in his track and the silent continued as he slowly turned back to the football player.
“That’s your one,” Timothy said simply and clearly. “And by the way-this,” Timothy said as he turned and pulled Jasper in by his shirt, “is what a faggot does.” The Asian boy was startled as Timothy leaned in and kissed him fully on the mouth. Timothy felt the other boy’s lips part in surprise and he could taste Chap Stick and cigarettes as he let the lip lock linger. Jasper didn’t fight him but instead leaned more into Timothy as the moment continued.
Abruptly Timothy pushed Jasper back and away as he turned back to Morgan. “Just so we’re clear here. Yeah I’m gay. Yeah I kiss boys. But,” Timothy said as he pointed a finger in Morgan’s face, “you don’t have a fucking thing to say about it.”

Sometimes The World Remind You

Sometimes the world reminds you that yuou are not that important and you hang ups are just placeholders for when real things happen to you and you love. I am going to try and take time today to enjoy the people I love and make time to enjoy being with them more than anything else.I don't want to assume that I will have time to make people feel how important they are in my life.

I plan on trying to show it today

Just A Quote to Keep in Mind

This is from an old college friend--he's a laywer.

"It would be a lousy world if the only people who were concerned about mistreatment or discrimination were the victims." -Barney Frank(D), Congressman, Massachusetts, 4th District

This is more than true and I wonder how many people realize that?

Own Your Sh*t

I haven't been really doing this as of late. I let myself get sucked into all the bad habits; not working out, letting the novel slide, not making enough effort with the people and things that matter. Part of me was chalking it up to not feeling well and being nervous about that.

But the truth is that it is rather easy to make excuses for letting things slide. That if I want the things I say i do then I have to really focus on them. Successful people do things--not make lists and hem and haw over them.

I have to own that I haven't been the best at that as of late. But here's hoping i can restart the fire and getting cracking with it. It's what i need to do now that i can do that.

This Song Feels Like Falling In Love

I know Lily Allen is not a must have for most people. But I love her music and this song in particular.

This is True Advice and I Need to Remeber it

You should be anxious and stressed out; it's appropriate to be anxious and stressed out. Your nervousness is prompting you to take things slowly and to be careful and conscientious


This should make me think twice before I go off the deep end and freak out over stress. I mean, it can be a good thing at points and forces me to focus and work on my stuff which can be very important.

At Least I Was First in the National Press

Here is an article that one of the roomies was quoted in. It is kind of silly and crazy but if you know us, it makes totally sense.

http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB125806880019446147-lMyQjAxMDI5NTE4MzAxNjM4Wj.html

I mean, I really hate this trend but i know that not only will she show up in these some day but it will possibly be my wedding, my birthday or some other moment guarenteed to make me roll my eyes.

I kind of think that is why we love each other.

In-Family Versus the World.

I wasn't sure I was going to write about this. I'm still not sure if I should and that doubt kept from blogging the last few nights. But I decided this is MY blog and I can say what I want to. And I feel like I have something I need to say.

My friends and I play play games with words, with jokes, with witty. We cut each other up sometimes, we point out flaws and foilbles, we sometimes push when really we should hug. There are in jokes that sometimes rub the wrong way, things that can go too far, and we don't know when to leave well enough alone. I am most definately guilty of opening my mouth and crossing lines without meaning to. But I always say I am sorry when it gets that far. And I try to learn to learn from my mistakes.

What I don't do is make statements to third parties that attack my friends. I know the difference between a fight in-familiy and something that can be shared with outsiders. I am careful--even here to try and not hurt or out people's feelings or flaws in a public space. (Yes there is an arguement for the fact that people who know me know who I am talking about. But by default that makes them in family.)

I was just so taken aback that someone would make not only a comment that could possibly be hurtful but took such joy in spreading that comment to our friends who would KNOW that it was aimed at me. It puts a bad taste in my mouth, makes me wonder how someone I care about could be so flip about my feelings.

And the thing is, the person in question will not even care that they hurt my feelings. So it is not worth my energy or time to even try and point out what they did.

Quote of the day

From Johnno regarding the random homeless man who stepped out in front of his car today.

"He may be laughing but at least I have a bed to sleep in tonight."

Touche baby

The End of Gypsies

So I have been feeling guilty. The boyfriend made an off hand comment a few weeks back about looking forward to getting his new bed. That wasn't the bad part, I am excited too, but the second part is what killed me. He said that he wouldn't have to be a gypsy anymore and lug over bags of stuff to stay at my place as much.

It made me feel bad.

Not because he meant it too; right now staying at my place allows for us to be able to sleep comfortably in a bed large enough for both of us. He only has a twin bed which can make for very restless sleep. I have, in a half daze, almost rolled off his bed face first into the floor a handful of times. I have had to try not to step on him climbing around the small bed. It takes effort.

But there is a part of me that worries that I have taken over his life. We hang with mostly my friends, we do the things that my group plans, we spend nights at my place, he has to drop me off at the end of the night. I hate feeling like the power in the relationship is mine--on some level--and that he feels a bit like I run the show. That's not what I want.

And I know that he didn't mean to upset me with the comment but I was. Not because it hurt me but because I know it is true. That he has to do so much of the 'heavy lifting' that I feel like I take advanatge of him by accident.

I feel like the tramp and the thief. Which, of course, makes him the gypsy.

This Is So True

http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/11/13/15-literary-characters-wed-totally-sleep-with

Without exception--I would hook up with each of these novel leads. Though my order would be different and Jay Gatsby would have to be number one and Logan would have to be number two.

And I would sleep with Holden just to make him cry afterwards when I say the sex was really bad and that he needs to get over himself

Everything is important

I had an epihany this past week in regards to my novel. I was struggling with making certain events big enough, worrying that the struggles and crosses my characters have to bear were not big enough. I was stopping and stalling because hings did not feel huge enough to be threats or challeneges to the people in more story. But then I remembered something important.

To teenagers EVERYTHING is important and world ENDING.

It's not their fault either. In high school, dances and friendships, popularity and gossip are important. Who says what, what they wore, how they saw it--these things are a matter of life and death. And even the ones who ignore it or don't by into the social mores are still fighting against those things--AGAINST EVERYTHING that shapes their world.

It takes the pressure off to know this.

Sometimes You Have to Wonder

So I talked to Samuel last night. We were on the phone for three hours, dancing from writing to television to boyfriends and family; we're both invested in our seperate happiness. It's weird because I have never had an ex that I am still so connected to but it is nice and novel. It feels right.

But as we were talking I was thinking about all the times it has come up, but not to my face, about how my friends talk to Johnno about Samuel. They're never directly rude, that I know of, but they constant imply that my relationship with Samuel was not a good one. In the sense of they just put up with me dating him and, by default, dealt with him only because of that. It makes me feel like a fool.

Not because I regret the relationship with Samuel; I don't. But it makes me wonder how honest my friends were about that relationship if all they have to say is such negative things about it and him. I can't help but wonder if they just went along with it because it was easier than pointing out there was a problem. And if that is what they were doing then it makes me wonder about what else they keep from saying to me.

I am more curious than worried, more bummed than angry about the situtation.

There is also a part of me that says that after any and all break ups--we all latch on to the negative things so that we can help our friends move on from heartbreak. That I am reading too much into the casual diss, the slight revisionist history that seems to have sprung up in the aftermath. It's easier than thinking that my friends would just sit by and watch me make a fool of myself.

Quote of the Day

The Lord wanted me to go back to bed so he filled my coffee shop with Gap sweatshirts and tennis shoes.


From Lucy regarding coffee shops, computers and college students

Cat On A Hot Tin Roof or FB Update

I have spent the day restless. I am sure it is being unemployed for such a long time, being tired from my weekend, feeling the weather and a bit overly stimulated but under challenged. Whatever the reason, I spent my day on edge, bored and looking for something to distract me.

Watching Gossip Girl did not help.

The truth is I have been feeling rather comfortable as of late--something that dulls my edges, makes me less interesting, doesn't allow for stories and experiences to draw on creatively. What I want is to be trouble for a bit.

And that is not a typo--I want to be trouble. I want to make out with my boyfriend against fences, dance around the Ganja house, go to a party and dance all night, wear great outfits in dive bars and end up in loft parties with spoken word and naked art. I want to feel like I have been expanded and bent and mended into something new. I want to feel something more.

And I am not sure where this feeling came from but it is not going anywhere yet!

Knick Knacks Or This Dog Doesn't Need a Bone

Today I was getting coffe, stumbling around the aprtment when I knocked a magnet off my fridge. It wasn't my magnet-it was one of the dolls-and as I put it up I wondered what it meant. I don't have magnets, I don't collect shot glasses, I only put up pictures of friends and family recently. I guess I'm not a sentimentalist.

I have been dealing a lot with knick knacks, bric a brac, souveniers lately. I have been helping the boyfriend redesign his apartment; moving around furniture, putting up shelves and mirrors, organizing things to prepare for his new bed. I spent all day Sunday putting away books and films, pictures and papers but I had the hardest time figuring out what to do with his momentos. I spent last Monday helping Kelly and Johnny move from their apartment into their house, struggling with boxes of letters and cards and handfuls of leis from concerts and novelty items and not getting it. Because I don't have those type of things.

Part of me wonders if this is weird. That outside of letters from college and college friends, a handful of stuffed animals from various family members and carnival fairways and old journals--I don't really keep much other stuff. Part of me doesn't like the clutter of greeting cards with just signatures or empty plastic cups from casinos or ticket stubs from concerts. Maybe it is because I try and write down all the important things here and in my other journals--that the emotions and memories, songs lyrics and quotes from friends, are all in one place with context attached.

I document my life this way because it feels easier to keep contained and understood. Even when things change and grow, when the plot twists and turns, I can look back and with in minutes understand and remember everything so clearly. That by choosing words and sentences with though and detail I can reenforce all the moments and people in my life by putting it down in black and white. That I don't need to be reminded that I got lots of holiday cards or that people like to remember me on my birthday--that instead I can go back and read my story any time and know how I got where I am and who got there with me.

But still-there is a part of me that wonders if I am weird for this since everyone else seems to keep boxes and shelves of the past's most physical aspects. That maybe I am more aloof than I think because I don't feel the need to have tactile proof of my adventures and associations.

Or maybe it is just that I have an amazing memory?

Quote of the Day

"If someone tells you they are an asshole, believe them. Don't think you can change them, that if you stick by them, they will get better."

My mom once told me this as a piece of dating advice. She said this shortly after I came out to her about being gay and ating boys. I like to think that this was her way of showing how accepting and proud she was of me.

That and she did not want me to make her mistakes.

Not Sure

There isn't really much to say about today. I spent my day focused on my novel, rewriting from the beginning to clear up new plot elements which is eaiser and yet more diffcult than I thought. I do believe I have made the right choice when it comes to most of my changes but there is still a nagging doubt about the project.

I don't know if I am doubting my prose, my structure or my abilty to create fully realized characters. there is also a huge chance I am just staring at my navel as a way to prevent progress. I don't know.

Instead I am going off to watch 'Vampire Diaries.' Judge if you must

The Curse of A Beautiful Bed

I spent today being superfical. I went and had my hair cut, I use my handheld micro derm machine on my skin, I colored my hair, I wore an eye mask and even did that thing with the trays and the teeth whiting. I cuddled up on my couch and watched bad tv while I did these things in the proper order for no real reason except I felt I needed to.

I like to think I am not a shallow person; that I have deep thoughts, that I care about people and ideas and things, that I make an effort to make my friends', my family and boyfriend's lives better which, in turn, makes mine better. I spend time labeling all my music, decorating my house and other people's space, I work out regularly and keep myself on a meal plan so that I can look the way I want in all the clothes I buy.

I like the way my cursive writing looks.

But somehow liking those things seems to be so skin deep, so on the surface that sometimes I wonder if I am a terrible person for wasting my time and energy there instead of elsewhere. Because most people would say that having these things as a focal point in my life shows that I m only concerned about myself and I can't help but think if that is right.

I worry and wonder.

I am not sure why I am driven to do this--where this all comes from--this need for perfection. Part of me chalks it up to control, that I try and manage and handle what I know I can so that I don't worry about all the things that I can't. That on some level I believe if things look good and are clean and in their place then it means that all the underlining stuff is also in it's place. That by having it in order then somehow that adds up to everything being in order.

Or maybe it just makes me happy. Maybe that is all it takes for me to be content is a made bed, a stylish outfit, ten less pounds and one easily found song in my itunes. And if that is all it takes then maybe I am more easily pleased with things.

I am not sure if that is good or bed but it makes me sleep easier in bed. Even if that means I will have to remake that bed the next day and start all over.

Frustration

So-after a two week wait I finally contacted Piper about my job interview from two Tuesdays ago. I decided to take Edie and Johnno's advice and sent off an email asking for the status of the situation. Piper wrote me back a few hours later, promising me an email to work out the details about what was going to happen.

The weird thing is that in her email Piper said she called me last week. I have no voice mail from Piper, nor any indication that she even tried to call me. I grew worried about there being a problem with my phone but held off on doing anything since I didn't have time to check the situation.

I then spent the rest of the day helping Kelly and Johnny move into their new rental house--I checked my email periodicaly but there was nothing sent to me by Piper and I was getting even more frustrated. One minute she is calling me about my resume but the next she can't even call or email back when she says she will. This has been the pattern this entire job proccess--if I don't keep on her with constant attention then nothing happens.

In all of my time working freelance in television I have NEVER had this much of a song and dance in order to get a job. Most producers want to hire someone ASAP, they either let you know right away that you are hired or let you off the hook a day or two later. And I have worked on the staff of some in-demand, high pressure shows, high rated shows, one's that there are people lined up to take my place. This is not one of those shows.

As I was finishing up with the move, my phone rang but I had two boxes in my hand and couldn't do more than just glance at the number. I didn't know who the caller was but figured they would leave a message if they wanted to talk to me or else it was just a telemarketer. No harm no foul. And once the call ended, and no message was left, I forgot about it.

It wasn't until I was home that night and working at my desk when I flipped open my phone and glanced again at the number on the screen. The number looked vaguely familar and I tried to run through the options in my head. It was only as I moved around some papers on my desk that I realized it was Piper's number from my interview notes. And I was dumbfounded.

Because this meant that Piper had called me last week but never bothered to leave a message. I was so stunned because from the tone of her email she implied I should have KNOWN she had called. But she didn't leave a message?

NEVER in ALL my time working in television have I had to deal with a POST SUPERVISOR who does NOT leave messages! It is part of the JOB DESCRIPTION to make phones calls, to FOLLOW UP with possible hires and make START DATES. WTF?

So I called her today (AGAIN) and spoke to one of the girls in the office who SWORE she would have Piper call back tonight to talk. And, once again, Piper DID NOT CALL or EMAIL me anything at all.

So I am done with this. I have been pushing and pulling with this woman to get the job and the details nailed down. I made a choice that if she did not contact me tonight through email or phone then I would wash my hands of the situation. Because I do understand busy shows and hectic production schedules but even LIVE TELEVISION handles this stuff with more professionalism and timeliness.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE A VOICE MAIL? WTF!

Hot Mess

Everyone that I know at some point has been a hot mess. Maybe they were dumped and took up competitive eating, per chance they were tired of dating and took up a hobby of one night stands, sometimes they send a little too much time at the bar or with the bottle; life happens.

And there is nothing wrong with this, this need to act out, spiral off and lose control, try to drop out of life for a while but there is a point when enough is enough. It's when you burst a blood vessel from too much drink or when you can't remember all of the people you've spent with in a month or maybe it is after you gain that first ten pounds and have to see your ex at a holiday party but there is always a point when it is time to stop and get yourself together.

But some people don't know how to do this. They get thrown out of parties or end up at the free clinic, maybe they wake up in the ER after having they stomach pumped or when they can't fit into their 'fat jeans' and everyone else in their life knows that something has to to change. But they don't know how to speak up or want to be the person to have that 'talk'.

It makes one question the bond of friendship when this happens. Part of being in someone's life in a meaningful way means have to risk the relationship to talk about real things. To ask what is really going on, to point when things have gone too far, to stop allowing excuses and justifications to override common sense.

And if you are not capable of having this type of conversation then maybe it is time to question the reality of the friendship. If you don't care enough to help someone when they are hurting then maybe you don't care enough. Being a friend is not all cocktails and secrets, photographs and parties. Sometimes it is about being the one person who can chance rejection to make a difference.

Hopefully you and I have people in our lives who can do that.

Because I Should

This year I am not doing NanoWriMo. I am skipping it not because I can't do it--last year proved I could do it--but because it is mor important to me to finish up last year's novel. But I feel kind of guilty about letting myself off the hook. It is an intense process and one that found me rediscovering my creative side and pushed me to work harder. It reminded me that I am capable of going full on when it comes to my writing and something I have to do.

It made me feel good about myself.

But instead I am going to force myself to bog everyday. Not because I have an audience, not because life has suddenly become better fodder for recapping but because I can. I'm not sure how this will work out because it will be a struggle to try and keep this readable but I figure it will push me to keep my fingers moving.

Hopefully this won't bore the hell out of people.