How to Do Happy

I have been happy the last few days.... Chloe is town for the weekend and we were finally able to hang out and talk about everything that has been going on in person between weddings and jobs and the future. She is truly one of my best friends and it always amazes me how quickly we reconnect and sync up--it been great to have her around.

Then last night Johnno and I went out with the Valley group to do a night boat cruise I had bought as part of his birthday present. It was a large gang of us dancing and drinking and hanging out on the water and following it up with drinks at a beachside bar. It was the first time we had all hung out since the Super Bowl and it was great to catch up. This weekend just made me really happy.

It's not like I havent been happy--but I have started to realize that happiness it's self is a very small and fragile but reoccurring thing. That somehow I had this idea in my head that somehow and someway everything would just side together and I would be happy all the time... But that's not how it works...

It's a bunch of small moments that I have to learn to cherish--coffee and a book at a cafe, getting a funny card on my Facebook, a friend hearing a song and texting me. It's knowing that it is a process that is always in flux and that it can come and go but will always come back. I have to learn to build it--the relationships with people who make me happy and find ways to do things in my life that allow for it.

Maybe I am late for the game on this but it's a pretty nifty lesson.

Writing

So I have a new idea for a story... I'm slowly working out the pieces but I'm concerned that it may be too dark. I have never done well with overly heavy writing; I like a little happiness and balance, comedy and realism in my stories which I havent found yet with this idea. It's also about things that I havent thought about it in awhile and I worry that open certain doors in myself could be really hard.

Every writer I know would tell me to embrace that

But for now I am just trying to find a way to put the pieces together and make it blend into something worthwhile. Something that I can do and enjoy. Its nice to feel the words in me even if I dont know where that can lead.

Stir Crazy

I know the exact moment i have been home way too long... It's the moment when I start pulling out all the extra housewares I have in the Dollhouse, I flip through my internet scrap book of design and I suddenly remember I have paint and wall paper and random pictures that have not been hung but still hide in the apartment. It's a crazy little obsession which can lead to random shopping sprees, messy rooms during redos and just a few bad ideas

But it is all so pretty

Cheap Dates

I have become obsessed with two very separate things--groupon/living social/daily candy and making more dates with the boy... I think that with all the stress from trying to figure out how to plan the wedding I have become more self aware of how much time we don't plan for ourselves. We will--if left to our own devices--send way too much time on the couch or at the bar and not enough time doing new things together. I have always felt experience is the key to building any relationship but have forgotten to keep up with it...

And now with my lack of work all I can do is think about various ways to spend time together but not ways to afford it. So when I get any groupon type thing I automatically think it is cheap and a good idea even if I know I shouldn't spend the money... So now there is a backlog of things to do and it is up to me to find the time to do them...

But I have to stop going overboard--just because I can get cheap dates doesnt mean I should buy them and just because I can make special dates outside of the wedding doesnt make up for any problems due to wedding stress. One does not cancel out the other--not at all

Mona to My Mouse

I cannot wait till this time next week when Chloe is here!!!! I am so excited to wander the streets of LA with her, share coffee and chats, meatballs and movie award shows, and all the ways we will catch up. I have been feeling a bit detached as of late but reconnecting with her always puts me back in the right head space. We have a lot of things to talk about that arent done easily over the phone--they need hugs and laughs and all the booze we can handle... Plus she has lost a ton of weight and it is going to make me gag with jealousy but push me back into getting more motivated.

I cannot wait to see her!

Tragic

I know it is ironic to use that word with Whitney Houston's death--whether she was off the drugs when she passed away or still using doesn't really matter... Her body was already shredded by her choices and it's not surprising that her body could have eventually given up.

But I still cant believe it.

She was one the first albums I owned, one of the first singers who I felt got me and she was just as strong an actress as well. The fact that she is just gone from existence blows my mind and makes my heart hurt. I cant explain what her music has done for me or how it changed me--it just did. Every so often someone comes along who makes you feel like they are sharing your experience and giving it shaped and meaning beyond what you could do or say yourself.

This is that song for me



I just hope she is at peace. But I also hope she knew how much better she made the world for people like me--regardless of all she lived through she did make a positive change on so many levels

Asshole:

The wedding planning has been driving me insane--to the point where I get so angry and frustrated with all of it that I become an asshole to myself and Johnno. I know exactly why this is happening and yet I cannot seem to stop. Its making us fight which I dont like and making things awkward which he doesnt like and it rides the line of turning mean sometimes.

...

The problem in this is all me--my need to know, my need to have answers, my freak outs about money, about having things set and in motion. The not knowing and not getting straight answers is pushing my buttons while Johnno is the driver's seat when it comes to contacting places and getting numbers. But we both keep misstating what we mean and what we want from the other person so then things get lost or ignored or ramped up. It makes the planning miserable.

I think part of the problem is I feel like I don't have anyone to really talk to about it... It's not that the broom's men wouldn't listen but I feel like I can't turn to them--there is a million reasons why I just don't feel comfortable. And this lack of a sounding board has made me turn more and more to Johnno and he is part of the stress at times so....

I'm at a loss... But I am trying to work on this more and more--pulling myself more and more away from the situation to try and gain perspective. Hopefully this will actually start helping soon... Not sure how much more time I can take.

Hiatus

I am finally on hiatus from the job... Not that my show would normally have one but because the production company was behind on signing new locations and didnt need me. As of now I am off for the next few weeks which is good--I havent had much time off in the 14 months I have been at the show.

The time will allow me to get things done; get my workout schedule back, work on reading War and Peace, researching wedding venues and planning things, hopefully catching up with my friends and family. I have a lot of phone calls to make in the near future.

But the biggest thing I am hoping to work on is my stress level. Since I have quit again my stress has been through the roof and I am desperately trying to work on containing it. It hasnt worked out well yet and I spend more than half of my time feeling like an asshole and the other half feeling misunderstood. I need to fix things one way or another. Maybe I should start smoking pot again....

or deal with my issues--which ever comes first.

The Speech ABout What It All Means To Me



I have cried so much watching this very Meta speech about One Life To Live... Goddamn I will miss this show

This Just Makes Me Sad



The hard part is how much I dont feel like I can talk about this with other people because they dont get it. Growing up Agnes Nixon was a huge idol of mine--if not the idol--for the work she did in daytime... Not just creating All My Children, One Life to Live, and Loving but also having writen for various other soap operas. She is created with the first contract Black characters in daytime, the first to explore sexual abuse, addiction, Downs Syndrome and many other issues before most shows were aknowledging these issues existed.

I just wish she had passed on before seeing her entire live's work canceled and dismanteled. Just so sad...

Psycho

I feel like I am going crazy... The current offshoot of my life plans has led to me barely being able to sleep. Not that I don't want to sleep--I crave it all the time--but it is NOT happening. And since I am trying to break my nap habit this has become unbearable. I am about to develop an addiction to sleeping pills cause papa needs his rest.

I do not know how people like Dominic do this all the time.

and the worst part is I am just tired enough to be miserable but not enough to do anything worth while. I cant concentrate on my new books or the final episodes of One Life To Live so its not like I am using my time effectively. I need to just have a "sleeping cure" like Neely O'Hara in 'Valley of the Dolls'.



This is how it feels.

Out With The Old

I need to make more time and space in my life. I have been slowly deleting shows off the DVR record lists so I can use my time better, I try and combine my lunch with chores and I'm giving my closet the side eye and debating when and what to take out for donation.

I'm not sure what has brought on this sudden urge to purge things out of my life but it feels good and making me lightweight. Of course as I make more space I want to fill it but with less things and more events, more phone calls to friends, more space for my own words and ideas than others. I'm taking stock of who and what I want around me--while I cant have everything I want do to circumstance I can do everything to have a slot ready when it is time.

And no more naps... Every since I was giving a book poking fun at my passion for it I have been trying to break the habit. It's not working yet and I am dragging ass. some things never change.

Off To A Great Start

I spent my last day of vacation getting things done.... Cleaning the mold out of my bathroom, scrubbed the kitchen floors, wrote thank you notes for my holiday gifts, put most of them away, started my second new book and even re-upped my workouts with the classic P90X which is already making me sore. It's great

Now lets see if I can carry this new monmentum for a few more days... Tomorrow it is tumblr and patches and work again!!! I cant wait to get back on course with everything.

A Little Slice of Heaven

I made the joke last year that 2011 would be a little slice of of heaven--while it would be easy to harp on all the bad things, the sad things, the things I failed at or didnt work at--I have decided to list the positives of the past year.

-) I was able to spend more time with Edie then I have in years... Usually her job has her travelling so much of the time and to so many places in the world but this year I was really able to see her and all our friends together.
-) I was inspired by Chloe's dedication to her fitness goals... The girl keeps running and boxing and doing yoga and being healthy. She's reminded me to get my goals back in focus and the value of truly chasing after it.
-) I made the time for a real vacation... Spending the days I did in the midwest on the river did really help me destress and reassess the importance of relaxation. Its not something that i have been good at but I have learned its importance.
-)I learned to trust more in my career... So many people this year had tough moments in their jobs and I was really blessed to be able to stay at the same production company for over a year. But I was impressed by people who had some really crappy moments and were able to jump up and brush themselves off. Good luck at the 2nd new job Joy!
-) I did 75 days of P90X--which was very hard at points and I am restarting with the harder program in the new year!
-) I now know that I have to figure out what I want to care about and focus on those things, people and events. It will help reduce stress and strife and make my goals and choices easier and stronger.
-) And finally--I got engaged. It may not have planned in its details and the wedding still causes me the shakes but it's amazing and is only just begining to have ripple effects through out my life. Cannot wait to see what happens next

So NOT A Bookworm

I promised myself that I would read 50 books in the new year. It helped that Johnno had worked at Boarders and the story went under--this allowed him to stock our library with lots of cheap books and an employee discount. So it was not for lack of reading material that I failed.

I only hit 40 books--just ten short of my goal. I have to blame Anne of Green Gables and Fitzgerald equally--too much of either books would set me in a slump that I couldnt get out of. But I did pretty damn well all things considered.

Maybe I'll make a reasonable goal this year--like 20. Why so much less than last year? Johnno gave me a copy of War and Peace--unabridged.

This Is Going To Make 2012



One of my favorite books being made by one of my favorite directors with some of my favorite actors... Though I am NOT pleased that Jordan is being played by an unknown--does this mean she is not have a large part in the story?

But how dreamy is Leo as Gatsby.

....

I'm trying not to get too excited but it looks like Johnno and I may have found the place that we want to have our wedding at. It's local and interesting and the money looks good and the vibe is very us. It's hard sometimes with this wedding stuff--hard to talk about it without feeling like I am boring people, hard to not get wigged out over money and planning, hard to accept that this could really happen.

But now it feels in motion with a real proposal from the venue, all the bridesmaids asked and they all said yes. No idea what I will make Kelly, Chloe, Valeska, Kirby and Ally wear--and I have to make sure Edie doesnt do something crazy to outshine them all. And while I know the event is almost two years away that doesnt make me breathe any easier.

I need to find a way to talk it out so that I am comfortable without making it all wedding all the time. I dont want to be that kind of guy even if it is okay to be.

Finally

So work has FINALLY let up between me catching up on my tape load and just getting things done as quickly as possible. It's nice to go into the holidays and feel confident about where I am with the show--not so nice to have the idea of an end date being tossed about. But I have decided not to worry about that until the new year.

We'll see if that sticks

And now it is just a countdown to the holidays... Between Johnno's sister Siobhan coming down to LA and a slew of misfit holiday events planned it should be great even if money will be tight with a week's break from the job. But I figure I can come up with some things to do on the cheap even if just playing video games and hanging around naked with the boy. (After his sister leaves of course)

All that being said--it still doesnt feel very Christmas yet. I know it doesnt for most people who stay in LA but I have developed a sense of tradition even in the balmy days. But with no Griffith Park Lights or last minute holiday parties or gift exchanges it hasnt felt that cheery.

But I suspect that is about to change once break starts.

Guilty and Just In Time

As we start the Jewish holiday--I can't help but find myself touching on some guilt I have been feeling for the past few months. (IRONY) But I havent written about any of my writing projects because I havent been doing any. Between a killer work schedule, bouts of sickness, and various holiday plans I didnt do Nanowrimo which made me feel really disappointed.

I suck.

I havent been able to work out a balance when it comes to my time. I know I have touched on this before but I cant help but wonder if I shouldnt be more concerned that when push comes to shove I push the writing back most of all. It's not like I dont have stuff to work on--Johnno recently finished re-typing an old manuscript I had of an earlier novel I worked on and i recently began the process of re-plotting, name changes and cutting to turn it into a viable piece.

But I still feel like it is not enough.

I'm hoping that by using my break well I can regroup and restart my own work. I hope to find a way in the new year to create balance within myself. It's not because of the holiday that I will be doing this but rather because I will be less stressed by work which allows more time to schedule.

I just have to push through this and I can refocus. Guilt can be a good tool so here's hoping I use it properly.

Well The Cranky Pants Still Fit

Woke up really cranky this morning. It didn't help that shower handle wouldn't turn off so I spent about 10 minutes naked struggling to turn off the water posy shower. I even got a hand cramp. YAY

Part of me suspects that this crankiness is because I have got back on board with the calorie counting. I woke up starving and headachey so maybe that is more to do with the situation then not.

I am spending the rest of the morning practicing the smile technique. The idea is if you keep smiling even when upset it will eventually put you in a good mood. Fingers crossed because if I get even crankier it might get cray cray in here.