The Speech ABout What It All Means To Me



I have cried so much watching this very Meta speech about One Life To Live... Goddamn I will miss this show

This Just Makes Me Sad



The hard part is how much I dont feel like I can talk about this with other people because they dont get it. Growing up Agnes Nixon was a huge idol of mine--if not the idol--for the work she did in daytime... Not just creating All My Children, One Life to Live, and Loving but also having writen for various other soap operas. She is created with the first contract Black characters in daytime, the first to explore sexual abuse, addiction, Downs Syndrome and many other issues before most shows were aknowledging these issues existed.

I just wish she had passed on before seeing her entire live's work canceled and dismanteled. Just so sad...

Psycho

I feel like I am going crazy... The current offshoot of my life plans has led to me barely being able to sleep. Not that I don't want to sleep--I crave it all the time--but it is NOT happening. And since I am trying to break my nap habit this has become unbearable. I am about to develop an addiction to sleeping pills cause papa needs his rest.

I do not know how people like Dominic do this all the time.

and the worst part is I am just tired enough to be miserable but not enough to do anything worth while. I cant concentrate on my new books or the final episodes of One Life To Live so its not like I am using my time effectively. I need to just have a "sleeping cure" like Neely O'Hara in 'Valley of the Dolls'.



This is how it feels.

Out With The Old

I need to make more time and space in my life. I have been slowly deleting shows off the DVR record lists so I can use my time better, I try and combine my lunch with chores and I'm giving my closet the side eye and debating when and what to take out for donation.

I'm not sure what has brought on this sudden urge to purge things out of my life but it feels good and making me lightweight. Of course as I make more space I want to fill it but with less things and more events, more phone calls to friends, more space for my own words and ideas than others. I'm taking stock of who and what I want around me--while I cant have everything I want do to circumstance I can do everything to have a slot ready when it is time.

And no more naps... Every since I was giving a book poking fun at my passion for it I have been trying to break the habit. It's not working yet and I am dragging ass. some things never change.

Off To A Great Start

I spent my last day of vacation getting things done.... Cleaning the mold out of my bathroom, scrubbed the kitchen floors, wrote thank you notes for my holiday gifts, put most of them away, started my second new book and even re-upped my workouts with the classic P90X which is already making me sore. It's great

Now lets see if I can carry this new monmentum for a few more days... Tomorrow it is tumblr and patches and work again!!! I cant wait to get back on course with everything.

A Little Slice of Heaven

I made the joke last year that 2011 would be a little slice of of heaven--while it would be easy to harp on all the bad things, the sad things, the things I failed at or didnt work at--I have decided to list the positives of the past year.

-) I was able to spend more time with Edie then I have in years... Usually her job has her travelling so much of the time and to so many places in the world but this year I was really able to see her and all our friends together.
-) I was inspired by Chloe's dedication to her fitness goals... The girl keeps running and boxing and doing yoga and being healthy. She's reminded me to get my goals back in focus and the value of truly chasing after it.
-) I made the time for a real vacation... Spending the days I did in the midwest on the river did really help me destress and reassess the importance of relaxation. Its not something that i have been good at but I have learned its importance.
-)I learned to trust more in my career... So many people this year had tough moments in their jobs and I was really blessed to be able to stay at the same production company for over a year. But I was impressed by people who had some really crappy moments and were able to jump up and brush themselves off. Good luck at the 2nd new job Joy!
-) I did 75 days of P90X--which was very hard at points and I am restarting with the harder program in the new year!
-) I now know that I have to figure out what I want to care about and focus on those things, people and events. It will help reduce stress and strife and make my goals and choices easier and stronger.
-) And finally--I got engaged. It may not have planned in its details and the wedding still causes me the shakes but it's amazing and is only just begining to have ripple effects through out my life. Cannot wait to see what happens next

So NOT A Bookworm

I promised myself that I would read 50 books in the new year. It helped that Johnno had worked at Boarders and the story went under--this allowed him to stock our library with lots of cheap books and an employee discount. So it was not for lack of reading material that I failed.

I only hit 40 books--just ten short of my goal. I have to blame Anne of Green Gables and Fitzgerald equally--too much of either books would set me in a slump that I couldnt get out of. But I did pretty damn well all things considered.

Maybe I'll make a reasonable goal this year--like 20. Why so much less than last year? Johnno gave me a copy of War and Peace--unabridged.

This Is Going To Make 2012



One of my favorite books being made by one of my favorite directors with some of my favorite actors... Though I am NOT pleased that Jordan is being played by an unknown--does this mean she is not have a large part in the story?

But how dreamy is Leo as Gatsby.

....

I'm trying not to get too excited but it looks like Johnno and I may have found the place that we want to have our wedding at. It's local and interesting and the money looks good and the vibe is very us. It's hard sometimes with this wedding stuff--hard to talk about it without feeling like I am boring people, hard to not get wigged out over money and planning, hard to accept that this could really happen.

But now it feels in motion with a real proposal from the venue, all the bridesmaids asked and they all said yes. No idea what I will make Kelly, Chloe, Valeska, Kirby and Ally wear--and I have to make sure Edie doesnt do something crazy to outshine them all. And while I know the event is almost two years away that doesnt make me breathe any easier.

I need to find a way to talk it out so that I am comfortable without making it all wedding all the time. I dont want to be that kind of guy even if it is okay to be.

Finally

So work has FINALLY let up between me catching up on my tape load and just getting things done as quickly as possible. It's nice to go into the holidays and feel confident about where I am with the show--not so nice to have the idea of an end date being tossed about. But I have decided not to worry about that until the new year.

We'll see if that sticks

And now it is just a countdown to the holidays... Between Johnno's sister Siobhan coming down to LA and a slew of misfit holiday events planned it should be great even if money will be tight with a week's break from the job. But I figure I can come up with some things to do on the cheap even if just playing video games and hanging around naked with the boy. (After his sister leaves of course)

All that being said--it still doesnt feel very Christmas yet. I know it doesnt for most people who stay in LA but I have developed a sense of tradition even in the balmy days. But with no Griffith Park Lights or last minute holiday parties or gift exchanges it hasnt felt that cheery.

But I suspect that is about to change once break starts.

Guilty and Just In Time

As we start the Jewish holiday--I can't help but find myself touching on some guilt I have been feeling for the past few months. (IRONY) But I havent written about any of my writing projects because I havent been doing any. Between a killer work schedule, bouts of sickness, and various holiday plans I didnt do Nanowrimo which made me feel really disappointed.

I suck.

I havent been able to work out a balance when it comes to my time. I know I have touched on this before but I cant help but wonder if I shouldnt be more concerned that when push comes to shove I push the writing back most of all. It's not like I dont have stuff to work on--Johnno recently finished re-typing an old manuscript I had of an earlier novel I worked on and i recently began the process of re-plotting, name changes and cutting to turn it into a viable piece.

But I still feel like it is not enough.

I'm hoping that by using my break well I can regroup and restart my own work. I hope to find a way in the new year to create balance within myself. It's not because of the holiday that I will be doing this but rather because I will be less stressed by work which allows more time to schedule.

I just have to push through this and I can refocus. Guilt can be a good tool so here's hoping I use it properly.

Well The Cranky Pants Still Fit

Woke up really cranky this morning. It didn't help that shower handle wouldn't turn off so I spent about 10 minutes naked struggling to turn off the water posy shower. I even got a hand cramp. YAY

Part of me suspects that this crankiness is because I have got back on board with the calorie counting. I woke up starving and headachey so maybe that is more to do with the situation then not.

I am spending the rest of the morning practicing the smile technique. The idea is if you keep smiling even when upset it will eventually put you in a good mood. Fingers crossed because if I get even crankier it might get cray cray in here.

Time Goes By

I wish I knew how to make my day more effective. At the holiday party this year I really felt like i had little to talk about--I go towokr, I nap when I come home, I work out, eat dinner, watch some Tv and go to bed. That's about it. And it has left me feeling boring and uninspired.

Johnoo--to his credit--says I am not boring and thought I was too interesting when we met. There's a reason we're engaged.

It's part of the reason I haven't been blogging as much. I felt bad baout not doing NaNoWrit--because all of my writer friends pushed me on. I will admit I opened the door but I didnt realize how bad I would feel if I didnt do it. I missed my goal to read 50 books this year--though I did make it to 40. I haven't put the time in with my friends how I would like and havent worked on myself in some time.

And part of it is work and how stressful it has been. part of it has been me being lazy about doing things beyond the norm and part of it has been a lack of money now that the wedding is being planned for. Saving up has been hard.

But I need to work out something. A way to write, to make time for friends, to work on my body and eating issues, to continue to put my words here. I need a new project, a new goal and new means to get there. I can do this if I think about it.

I want something to bring to the table.

And A Unitard On A Pear Shaped Boy

So this started back around Thanksgiving.... Edie had return from New York for a brief stop before heading up to Canada for work. I had heard that she lost a bunch of weight while living in the street--I was hoping she would notice the difference P90X had been making on me for the last two months. Nothing was said and I was a bit bummed but made it wasn't obvious.

A few weeks later Johnno, Kelly, Ava, Bailey and I had plans to go out to a club night that Johnno and I had been to before with some other friends of our. We all had a good time--too much of a good time--but I felt cute and had fun. It wasnt until the middle of the next week and hanging out with Ally that I heard that I had taken some pictures back at Kelly's in a unitard.

Oh My God.

I didnt remember taking them and all I could think was how fat I must have looked in the outfit. I topped off that night with a conversation about this new jacket I had bought on line last year--it didnt fit very well at the time but I figured that I would shed about ten pounds over the year and it wouuld fit. It didnt

I told Ally about how it was more bothersome that it was extremely tight through the shoulders. This led to a conversation about how it was because my lats werent toned and she showed me the proper form for the exercise. I could feel the difference in the muscle and this lead to a two prong discussion. One was that it seems that I might need to work with a trainer to see if I am getting proper form on my exercises--I was honest that sometimes I dont feel things work when I am lifting or contracting them. The other part was about how P90X didnt seem to be working, that my diet wasnt helping things and I need to reassess.

It was a bit upsetting.

And then came this weekend and the Robin/Ally holiday party. I went in knowing that I would be going off diet and the real quetion would be as to how much. I tried to avoid chips and cookies--did okay on chips but not cookies--however I also finally was able to see the unitard picture.

It was awful.

There is a part of me that knows this is my fault--I make deals on food, I dont work hard enough to keep certain things out of my mouth and I have to be consistant with my eating, tracking my eating, how I work out and what I am doing when I am working out. I'm not upset with anyone but myself--I just feel like I try so hard and feel little acomplishment. I wish I didnt care as much as I do or could work on accepting things.

I mean--I know I will never look like Ryan Reynolds shirtless or a model from a magazine. That's not me and not what I want. But I do want to believe that I can look good, have things fit better, maybe be okay with going shirtless. I just want something so simple and try so hard and feel like I am failing. There is a part of me that is being to hard on myself and I know this but if I dont work on it and push myself then I feel like nothing gets done.

At least now I have a picture for motivation

I Love The Nightlife

So the boyance and I have being going out a lot in the past month. Its more than just the average social onslaught that happens after Halloween--we tend to end out to the gay bars on the regular. Its something I never did much unless single and hooking to hook up. I like it.

But what bums me out is that we go to these bars and events and I see all these groups of friends hanging out. Its always been hard for me to make friends--even harder to make gay friends. Once I am comfortable then I am good to go but until then I am a silent partner in the process. Johnno is much more firnedly and social but we have yet add any good gay friends to our soical mix.

I'm not sure why it bugs but it does.


Maybe its because I can see the value of having similar people in our lives. It gets depressing to go to bars and just talk amongst ourselves after awhile. It leads to more drinking then I would like sometimes and it just makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Maybe there is.

But it is something to work on.

....

Instead of spending time putting down my words anywhere--much less here--I have been busy working on Tumblrs and Amazon and various other websites when not working. I should probably feel bad about this but I am trying to get my shite in order for the upcoming holiday and all the things that come with it. That being said--I will be posting more often because there is so much to post about.

even if some of it is vain and some of it is offensive.

Return to Form

So I recently went back to a strawberry blond hair color--an accidentally result of going as Mitchell from "Modern Family" for Halloween. I forgot how much I like this color, how much it reminds me of being 19 in Boston, 23 in San Francisco, very old school. It probably helped that within weeks of doing it I was flirted with several different times in different places.

I like being a ginger.

I'm hoping that this change will push me to feel more confident. I do worry that it does mess up my coloring in terms of my clothing but there are worse problems to have in the world. That and gaining any upcoming holiday weight.

Be

I have to stop. I have to work on having trust, on having faith in things, on being okay. I have to learn that I am not who I thought I was and stop being afraid of every little possible crack in the moment. The truth is I am fine and I can take anything that comes my way. That I don't have to be in charge and clean and polished with everything in place. It doesn't make things better and it doesn't make me happy and it puts everything at risk.

I have to learn to be and trust in that.

This Cheating Heart

So I am half assing NaNoWriMo this year.... I decided that I would revisit my second attempt at a novel--one that has yet to be read by any besides me and Johnno... He's only read it because I am paying him.

Really.

This novel was one that I had printed out a few years back and then somehow lost the actual computer files. I'm still not sure when it happened but it took me a while to notice. I freaked out when I did because the idea of retyping so overwhelming that I kind of flaked out. But I managed to convince Johnno to take on the project for some cash and it has worked out well.

And now I am being to try and retool it. I haven't really typed a new word yet but have been working on renaming the characters and restructuring the plot in my head. What is interesting is I have found I have a handful of odd archetypes I revisit in my work. It will be interesting to see if I can get close to actually finishing it. But what I have reread I do like.

It's reassuring. It means I am taking up a hot lover instead of desperately holding on to hope for a love past it's prime. Plus it reassures me that I can have talent at points.

Forever Isn't Too Far Away

Been gone a bit... Not the first time or last time this will happen but at least i still feel guilty for not writing... Means I am keeping perspective I guess... Still its an excuse.

Boo...

Life has been crazy the last few weeks. I almost actually quit my job--it had become one of those situations where things were getting worse but no one was listening even though I am the only one in my department... I had been spending the last few Saturdays in the office (4 weeks worth) to try and make things better and when the show suddenly tried to upend that with list of new tasks to add to the ones I was hired for....

I lost my shite

I had to hide for at least an hour the day it happened--and every other day I was so upset that it was like the heat source radiating off my body. I try to be good at my job, I push myself very hard but even I reach a breaking point. I think the need to pay for my wedding is the only thing that kept me going--no matter how much Sophie try to convince how great it feels to just walk away from a job.

And then they saw the light.

Out of the blue my two bosses had a meeting with me and suddenly shifted my work load to something much more manageable, something I had pushed for almost 2 months ago and both were like-this makes the most sense right? I almost passed out from relief and in the time since then things have gotten much better. Much much better.

But until then I could barely string two words together much less a blog entry.

I always feel sorry about that.