Thanks Zippy
I need this...
"Personally I think when someone says something mean and hasn't the guts to put their name to it that they are the one who has problems.
A coward who thinks they are being funny, how original!!! Didn't they do that back in high school.
And 4 comments in one day. I would say that it is a little bit obsessional with this blog. Nothing better to do with your life. Interesting.
Yes they do have ways of tracking comments, even if they are too scared to put their name to their words."
You rock!
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Hey all--
So this past year I worked on this show - Invasion Iowa-- with Bill Shatner (StarTrek, T.J.Hooker, Rescue 911) is in it and he punked a whole town of very funny people. The show is really funny at points and just very good television--even if still reality television.
Spike TV - premieres Tues 3/29 at 9pm. Airs for 4 nights in a row w/ the finale on April 1st. Let me know if it's good - cause it should be hilarious.
***Disclaimer--I do not normally do this for the shows I work on but I really like this one.
So this past year I worked on this show - Invasion Iowa-- with Bill Shatner (StarTrek, T.J.Hooker, Rescue 911) is in it and he punked a whole town of very funny people. The show is really funny at points and just very good television--even if still reality television.
Spike TV - premieres Tues 3/29 at 9pm. Airs for 4 nights in a row w/ the finale on April 1st. Let me know if it's good - cause it should be hilarious.
***Disclaimer--I do not normally do this for the shows I work on but I really like this one.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Happy Zombie Day or Easter Cometh.
Easter this year felt like a 2-day event more than the boring holiday that I grew up with. It started out with the basics—a haircut, bill paying to make up the bulk of my day. I had a lovely dinner with Charity, composed of b-celeb sightings and Indian cuisine. I had fun running around town with my new hair and feeling caught up on the boring stuff of credit cards and student loans.
The night was where it became the fun—a big group of the holiday misfits met up for bbq, drinks, smoking and dancing on Kelly’s rooftop. It seemed everyone had fun—with Valeska cuddling the boyfriend, Shannon being snarky, Davis overly offensive (in a good way), Thomas witty as Lola danced up a storm and Kelly was in the center of it all.
People got drunk and won board games—damn you Grant and Joy—and there was a lot of laughter. I watched the sun come up with Patti and even managed to hook up with Mitch the neighbor before hitting the big sleep. It reminded me how great my life out here can be and I’m very grateful for it.
Easter itself was a food and film fest with great potatoes and bad films. We laid like broccoli and talked about random shite. People enjoyed kinder eggs and each other. It was like the holidays I wished I had growing up. It was a great couple of days.
Easter this year felt like a 2-day event more than the boring holiday that I grew up with. It started out with the basics—a haircut, bill paying to make up the bulk of my day. I had a lovely dinner with Charity, composed of b-celeb sightings and Indian cuisine. I had fun running around town with my new hair and feeling caught up on the boring stuff of credit cards and student loans.
The night was where it became the fun—a big group of the holiday misfits met up for bbq, drinks, smoking and dancing on Kelly’s rooftop. It seemed everyone had fun—with Valeska cuddling the boyfriend, Shannon being snarky, Davis overly offensive (in a good way), Thomas witty as Lola danced up a storm and Kelly was in the center of it all.
People got drunk and won board games—damn you Grant and Joy—and there was a lot of laughter. I watched the sun come up with Patti and even managed to hook up with Mitch the neighbor before hitting the big sleep. It reminded me how great my life out here can be and I’m very grateful for it.
Easter itself was a food and film fest with great potatoes and bad films. We laid like broccoli and talked about random shite. People enjoyed kinder eggs and each other. It was like the holidays I wished I had growing up. It was a great couple of days.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Bright and Slutty
I had sex today. It wasn’t the greatest sex or the worst sex—nothing overly special but definitely wanted and needed. He was a friend of Mickey’s, someone who I met briefly and had an odd chemistry with. There was a moment during our conversation when I realized that this was going to be good. And it was.
There was something very intense about the sex—a connection of sorts that I rarely ever have and one that I like. It was very willful and commanding and rough and tender and even surprising. It was also very safe and clean and discrete in case you were wondering. There was something unusually inspiring about the whole act. I liked it.
Afterwards, as we drank water and puttered around in the nude, Lawrence look at me, head tilted and said, ‘you are a bright and slutty boy, my friend.” At first I wasn’t sure what to think about what he said—it could seem a little offensive but as I thought things over I realized he was right. That is a great way to describe me.
There are some people out there who will think it is bad or wrong that I will have such seemingly meaningless sex—that I am being whorish or selfish or desperate. That I am not saving myself for the right person or the right time. That’s okay of course—people are entitled to believe what they will but I have never subscribed to that school of thought.
I am always amazed how caught we all seem to get in making it ‘right’. How we see every date or job or living situation or choice as the ‘one’. We ignore the obvious—the missed phone calls or the mixed messages or the blatant signs of disrespect and just make it into so much work, so much drama. It’s like trying to fit a size 8 foot into size six shoes.
If there is one thing I know for sure is it that it will be wrong more than it will be right. There will be tears and mistakes and broken hearts along the way—it’s an unsentimental process to find that person. I know I will have a lot of bad dates or bad sex but I also believe that each time it is a lesson and that I come to know more about myself with each experience and that it helps me to grow closer to finding what I am looking for.
So many people settle for what they can make work—that they don’t push themselves to try and learn who they are and what they want. They end up breaking up with people who never got them in the first place or do things that they never really wanted to or never try what they think is wrong. I don’t want to be one of those people—even if it does make me slutty.
Because at the end of it all I know that I am getting something from it. I know that I am learning things, experiences things that will help me down the road with the right person. And I do think that makes me bright—regards of how big on myself that it makes me sound.
I had sex today. It wasn’t the greatest sex or the worst sex—nothing overly special but definitely wanted and needed. He was a friend of Mickey’s, someone who I met briefly and had an odd chemistry with. There was a moment during our conversation when I realized that this was going to be good. And it was.
There was something very intense about the sex—a connection of sorts that I rarely ever have and one that I like. It was very willful and commanding and rough and tender and even surprising. It was also very safe and clean and discrete in case you were wondering. There was something unusually inspiring about the whole act. I liked it.
Afterwards, as we drank water and puttered around in the nude, Lawrence look at me, head tilted and said, ‘you are a bright and slutty boy, my friend.” At first I wasn’t sure what to think about what he said—it could seem a little offensive but as I thought things over I realized he was right. That is a great way to describe me.
There are some people out there who will think it is bad or wrong that I will have such seemingly meaningless sex—that I am being whorish or selfish or desperate. That I am not saving myself for the right person or the right time. That’s okay of course—people are entitled to believe what they will but I have never subscribed to that school of thought.
I am always amazed how caught we all seem to get in making it ‘right’. How we see every date or job or living situation or choice as the ‘one’. We ignore the obvious—the missed phone calls or the mixed messages or the blatant signs of disrespect and just make it into so much work, so much drama. It’s like trying to fit a size 8 foot into size six shoes.
If there is one thing I know for sure is it that it will be wrong more than it will be right. There will be tears and mistakes and broken hearts along the way—it’s an unsentimental process to find that person. I know I will have a lot of bad dates or bad sex but I also believe that each time it is a lesson and that I come to know more about myself with each experience and that it helps me to grow closer to finding what I am looking for.
So many people settle for what they can make work—that they don’t push themselves to try and learn who they are and what they want. They end up breaking up with people who never got them in the first place or do things that they never really wanted to or never try what they think is wrong. I don’t want to be one of those people—even if it does make me slutty.
Because at the end of it all I know that I am getting something from it. I know that I am learning things, experiences things that will help me down the road with the right person. And I do think that makes me bright—regards of how big on myself that it makes me sound.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Selfish?
So last night was the first of the 24-hour theatre shows for Fringe Festival. I was surprised at how well the night went—the actors were great, the directors did a better job then I would have thought with some very well defined and complex scripts.
It was amazing to watch how my piece was done with Noel, Gabe, and Julianne able to understand and own the dialogue and develop real moments with each other. Heath did an amazing—if somewhat humorous—job at directing the piece; I could tell that he really seemed to like it and had fun making the piece work.
The best part of watching my piece was that it gave me the faith in the process. After the first show I was in—I have to admit that I wasn’t so sure about submitting again. It was really hard to watch how my pieces were done—how certain elements were misunderstood. It made me doubt my writing—a rare thing. So to see my work done properly and with an element of energy and eagerness, it made me proud.
What I am not proud of was the lack of support from my friends. It was amazing that only one person—Joy—who even bothered to come to the show and I love the fact that she did and that it seemed inspired to her to giving writing for the project a shot. I guess I just get tired of feeling unsupported by the mass of people in my life.
Writing is a very solitary thing—something mostly done alone. So when I get to the point that it is ready to be seen, heard, and enjoyed—it just sucks when my friends don’t want to be bothered. It hurts even more that they seem to put so much effort into other people’s projects. Like Smythee’s film where everyone was willing to get up at 5am to go for a shoot yet they can’t come and sit for an hour of their lives.
But maybe I want too much—maybe I’m the selfish one.
So last night was the first of the 24-hour theatre shows for Fringe Festival. I was surprised at how well the night went—the actors were great, the directors did a better job then I would have thought with some very well defined and complex scripts.
It was amazing to watch how my piece was done with Noel, Gabe, and Julianne able to understand and own the dialogue and develop real moments with each other. Heath did an amazing—if somewhat humorous—job at directing the piece; I could tell that he really seemed to like it and had fun making the piece work.
The best part of watching my piece was that it gave me the faith in the process. After the first show I was in—I have to admit that I wasn’t so sure about submitting again. It was really hard to watch how my pieces were done—how certain elements were misunderstood. It made me doubt my writing—a rare thing. So to see my work done properly and with an element of energy and eagerness, it made me proud.
What I am not proud of was the lack of support from my friends. It was amazing that only one person—Joy—who even bothered to come to the show and I love the fact that she did and that it seemed inspired to her to giving writing for the project a shot. I guess I just get tired of feeling unsupported by the mass of people in my life.
Writing is a very solitary thing—something mostly done alone. So when I get to the point that it is ready to be seen, heard, and enjoyed—it just sucks when my friends don’t want to be bothered. It hurts even more that they seem to put so much effort into other people’s projects. Like Smythee’s film where everyone was willing to get up at 5am to go for a shoot yet they can’t come and sit for an hour of their lives.
But maybe I want too much—maybe I’m the selfish one.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
St. Patrick Really Does get Rid of Snakes
Time of death--12:09 this past Saturday night. The moment when I realized that I am over Nick. Not kind of over or tricking myself into thinking it's over or wanting it to be over so I start repeating the phrase like some type of secert mantra till I believe it.
Nope-truly over. I'm not really sure how it came about--whether it was the half hour talk about LA real estate prices or when one has to buckle down and start investing in the future. Maybe it was serious talk about wanting kids tomorrow more than today.
Or maybe it was the goofy polo under the ass ugly sweatshirt.
Regardless of how I got there--I am free. I still like Nick as friendd, would love to go out with dinner with him once or twice a month, hang out and help him met guys. But I am free of all the other stuff.
I am free of this idea that one day he would just want me--from this selfish thought that I would be the best thing he could ever have--that just because we have so much in common doesn't mean anything at all.
We can both do better. I see that now and it rocks my fucking world.
Time of death--12:09 this past Saturday night. The moment when I realized that I am over Nick. Not kind of over or tricking myself into thinking it's over or wanting it to be over so I start repeating the phrase like some type of secert mantra till I believe it.
Nope-truly over. I'm not really sure how it came about--whether it was the half hour talk about LA real estate prices or when one has to buckle down and start investing in the future. Maybe it was serious talk about wanting kids tomorrow more than today.
Or maybe it was the goofy polo under the ass ugly sweatshirt.
Regardless of how I got there--I am free. I still like Nick as friendd, would love to go out with dinner with him once or twice a month, hang out and help him met guys. But I am free of all the other stuff.
I am free of this idea that one day he would just want me--from this selfish thought that I would be the best thing he could ever have--that just because we have so much in common doesn't mean anything at all.
We can both do better. I see that now and it rocks my fucking world.
Monday, March 21, 2005
This is Rather Cool
hello rory,
We hope you are enjoying the first breath of Spring.
On a cool breezy morning
we are excited to tell you that,
Justin's song,
'Beat Up Blue'
will be featured on
'The OC'
on Fox
this Thursday, March 24th
at 8pm (7 central)
If you're an avid watcher of 'The OC'
maybe you'll catch it
If not, maybe you'd like to tune in
to see what all the hype is about.
Justin Catalino - Welcome to Vacationland
is available at iTunes
or at
www.justincatalino.com
GOD I LOVE HIM
hello rory,
We hope you are enjoying the first breath of Spring.
On a cool breezy morning
we are excited to tell you that,
Justin's song,
'Beat Up Blue'
will be featured on
'The OC'
on Fox
this Thursday, March 24th
at 8pm (7 central)
If you're an avid watcher of 'The OC'
maybe you'll catch it
If not, maybe you'd like to tune in
to see what all the hype is about.
Justin Catalino - Welcome to Vacationland
is available at iTunes
or at
www.justincatalino.com
GOD I LOVE HIM
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Good Time Girls
This week has been all about my girls. It seems I spent quality time with most of them and it was fun and really helped to remind me why I was friends with them. It was a nice change from the entire gossip-now what? -mentality that happens way too much.
First off was me and Kirby at Toi on Sunset—we decided to meet up to have a quick bite of food and go over our scripts for the upcoming 24 hour show. What is funny about Kirby and me is how quickly we change our intentions around each other. Such as going to Toi because it would be ‘healthier than Bob’s Big Boy’. Which could be true with all the vegetables on the menu but we’re supposed to be eating low carb and end up with fried wontons and lemon chicken and lots of noodles. But it was good and very worth it.
It was nice to be creative and intensive about writing with her—talking about, rewriting and even defending our scripts to each other in a good way. And we were able to laugh and be a little stupid and not get too worked up about things. Kirby can make fun of herself in a way that makes me feel okay about making of myself. Good times.
The next day was all about me and Edie hanging out and going shopping. This is much more fun than it sounds only because we have our best conversation talking—always in the shoe department of some random mall store. And it is very reflective of how we both think that while trying on dancing shoes we can talk about how her mother is doing with her cancer treatment or how my sister has learned another word. (Cheese is her favorite word) That we can take each other quite serious and still acknowledge how odd our circumstances are.
Of course the downside of hanging out with Edie is how much we spend together. I always seem to end up with that one thing that Edie talked me into—Brittany Spears hats or suspenders or a pink button down shirt. She thinks that anything can be worn anywhere at any time. (Which is why I suspect she is always a bridesmaid—to stop her more outlandish fashion statements.) But that is what Edie brings to my life—a sense that anything can happen anywhere.
The next day belonged to Ruby—which is ironic since it was St. Patrick’s Day—and so we, along with Melanie from her acting internship, headed down to the Grove/Farmer’s Market to hear some Irish music and eventually grab a beer. It’s funny how Ruby drags me along with her into places and situations that always seem bad on paper and yet she gets me there and it is not usually that bad. She can make standing in line for an Irish bar seem like the brightest idea for St Patrick’s Day—something I would never do.
Of course—one day is not enough with Ruby and so we hung out during the weekend after she tricked me into running errands with her. After dodging the rain for a bit, she and I had coffee outside and talked about how well the theater shows are shaping up and just how smoothly things are going. This even though not every actor was still in the show and not every writer had turned in their scripts that had been due a while back.
Finally, I got to make some time with my dear heart Lola before heading out to the BR. We just went to grab some coffee and chat because it had been awhile since we had some one on one time and I was very eager for it. I love how Lola—like her name—can be wild and over the top and yet she is still very observant and keen about things.
We talked about how weird we feel in our friendships at times—that we want to dance on tables or be the loudest person in the bar but that our friends tend to raise their eyebrows at that. We talked about how wild and fun we were in Vegas and how we just had a good time being sarcastic and goofy which is not something most people allow us to be. It was nice to know I wasn’t the only one to feel a little pushed back when all I want to do is be center stage…
It was even more fun to remember why I like each of these girls and it was great to get them all in such a short span of time—kind of like a shopping spree…. Though things will get better when I can get a hold of Chloe and Lucy—even if only for phone time!
This week has been all about my girls. It seems I spent quality time with most of them and it was fun and really helped to remind me why I was friends with them. It was a nice change from the entire gossip-now what? -mentality that happens way too much.
First off was me and Kirby at Toi on Sunset—we decided to meet up to have a quick bite of food and go over our scripts for the upcoming 24 hour show. What is funny about Kirby and me is how quickly we change our intentions around each other. Such as going to Toi because it would be ‘healthier than Bob’s Big Boy’. Which could be true with all the vegetables on the menu but we’re supposed to be eating low carb and end up with fried wontons and lemon chicken and lots of noodles. But it was good and very worth it.
It was nice to be creative and intensive about writing with her—talking about, rewriting and even defending our scripts to each other in a good way. And we were able to laugh and be a little stupid and not get too worked up about things. Kirby can make fun of herself in a way that makes me feel okay about making of myself. Good times.
The next day was all about me and Edie hanging out and going shopping. This is much more fun than it sounds only because we have our best conversation talking—always in the shoe department of some random mall store. And it is very reflective of how we both think that while trying on dancing shoes we can talk about how her mother is doing with her cancer treatment or how my sister has learned another word. (Cheese is her favorite word) That we can take each other quite serious and still acknowledge how odd our circumstances are.
Of course the downside of hanging out with Edie is how much we spend together. I always seem to end up with that one thing that Edie talked me into—Brittany Spears hats or suspenders or a pink button down shirt. She thinks that anything can be worn anywhere at any time. (Which is why I suspect she is always a bridesmaid—to stop her more outlandish fashion statements.) But that is what Edie brings to my life—a sense that anything can happen anywhere.
The next day belonged to Ruby—which is ironic since it was St. Patrick’s Day—and so we, along with Melanie from her acting internship, headed down to the Grove/Farmer’s Market to hear some Irish music and eventually grab a beer. It’s funny how Ruby drags me along with her into places and situations that always seem bad on paper and yet she gets me there and it is not usually that bad. She can make standing in line for an Irish bar seem like the brightest idea for St Patrick’s Day—something I would never do.
Of course—one day is not enough with Ruby and so we hung out during the weekend after she tricked me into running errands with her. After dodging the rain for a bit, she and I had coffee outside and talked about how well the theater shows are shaping up and just how smoothly things are going. This even though not every actor was still in the show and not every writer had turned in their scripts that had been due a while back.
Finally, I got to make some time with my dear heart Lola before heading out to the BR. We just went to grab some coffee and chat because it had been awhile since we had some one on one time and I was very eager for it. I love how Lola—like her name—can be wild and over the top and yet she is still very observant and keen about things.
We talked about how weird we feel in our friendships at times—that we want to dance on tables or be the loudest person in the bar but that our friends tend to raise their eyebrows at that. We talked about how wild and fun we were in Vegas and how we just had a good time being sarcastic and goofy which is not something most people allow us to be. It was nice to know I wasn’t the only one to feel a little pushed back when all I want to do is be center stage…
It was even more fun to remember why I like each of these girls and it was great to get them all in such a short span of time—kind of like a shopping spree…. Though things will get better when I can get a hold of Chloe and Lucy—even if only for phone time!
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
In Case You Were Wondering
Take the quiz: "Which Hottie Gotti is for YOU?"
John
John is the Hotti Gotti for you. You like a man with style and someone who sets high goals.
I was only wondering due to the work I have been doing on the show
Take the quiz: "Which Hottie Gotti is for YOU?"
John
John is the Hotti Gotti for you. You like a man with style and someone who sets high goals.
I was only wondering due to the work I have been doing on the show
This Sums Me Up Nicely
You wrote the book on loyalty -- and that applies to anyone you care about, whether family, friends or someone you met on the bus who asked for your advice. You may need to exhibit that quality on the spur of the moment today, and, as usual, you'll rise to the occasion beautifully. Does this mean that you'll get overly involved? Maybe, but that's just how you do business. All or nothing, right?
You wrote the book on loyalty -- and that applies to anyone you care about, whether family, friends or someone you met on the bus who asked for your advice. You may need to exhibit that quality on the spur of the moment today, and, as usual, you'll rise to the occasion beautifully. Does this mean that you'll get overly involved? Maybe, but that's just how you do business. All or nothing, right?
Monday, March 14, 2005
Things I learned in Vegas
Things I learned this weeked--
1) How much faux hair costs and that they cause headaches....
2) That h2 hummers really suck and Edie really, really hates them.
3) That some pretty shoes never make it off the casino floor.
4) That Monet helped redefine that idea of the still life by using a landscape that he himself planned--the Japense gardens--thus bringing up the question of whether it was truly a 'still of life' when he painstakingly designed the landscape to look an exact way before painting it.
5) That 12:09 is the time that everything went 'wrong'--lololol.
6) That none of us wants to grow up to be the 2 Suzies...
7) That the Imperial Palace has nasty bathrooms.
8) That Edie likes to spoon in her sleep and doesn't care who she does it with.
9) That Kyle's new hair (the guy from the Band at the 9 Fine Irish) makes him really hot and look like a hobbit at the same time.
10) That I am right to ALWAYS use the crosswalk!!!!
And the final thing I learned?
That I can always have a good time with my girls in Vegas!!! (or anywhere else) Thanks for including me and being so cool, funny, sexy, drunk, pretty, nude, and a list of a million other things... I had a great time!!!!
And I can't wait to do it again.!!!
Things I learned this weeked--
1) How much faux hair costs and that they cause headaches....
2) That h2 hummers really suck and Edie really, really hates them.
3) That some pretty shoes never make it off the casino floor.
4) That Monet helped redefine that idea of the still life by using a landscape that he himself planned--the Japense gardens--thus bringing up the question of whether it was truly a 'still of life' when he painstakingly designed the landscape to look an exact way before painting it.
5) That 12:09 is the time that everything went 'wrong'--lololol.
6) That none of us wants to grow up to be the 2 Suzies...
7) That the Imperial Palace has nasty bathrooms.
8) That Edie likes to spoon in her sleep and doesn't care who she does it with.
9) That Kyle's new hair (the guy from the Band at the 9 Fine Irish) makes him really hot and look like a hobbit at the same time.
10) That I am right to ALWAYS use the crosswalk!!!!
And the final thing I learned?
That I can always have a good time with my girls in Vegas!!! (or anywhere else) Thanks for including me and being so cool, funny, sexy, drunk, pretty, nude, and a list of a million other things... I had a great time!!!!
And I can't wait to do it again.!!!
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Or I Am This
You are Brian Kinney. "The stud of Liberty
Avenue," you do what you want, when you
want. Your motto is "no apologies, no
regrets" and you live life to the fullest,
even if it means stepping on the feelings of
others to get your way. Despite this however,
you do love those who deserve it, although you
have strange ways of showing it. You can't do
anything halfway, and believe people should get
what they deserve, no more, no less.
Which Queer as Folk character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Brian Kinney. "The stud of Liberty
Avenue," you do what you want, when you
want. Your motto is "no apologies, no
regrets" and you live life to the fullest,
even if it means stepping on the feelings of
others to get your way. Despite this however,
you do love those who deserve it, although you
have strange ways of showing it. You can't do
anything halfway, and believe people should get
what they deserve, no more, no less.
Which Queer as Folk character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Revisit the Moment
Okay...so Irene's friend asked me this question the other night when we at some party. THE QUESTION. If you're single then you know it. The one that well meaning relatives ask at holidays, new co-workers broach it over drinks, a friend of a friend might ask.... (if you know this then say it with me...)
So, are you seeing someone?
I never know quite how to answer this question... (Outside of the sarcastic... "Oh shit, no, thanks for reminding me.... I was going to and then I got busy...) For some people this is a rough question. Throws them into a pit of self-doubt, double guessing, wondering...why aren't I? But for me, to be honest, it doesn't ring any bells... Set off any alarms.
The thing is... I know that I'm not in the place to be in a relationship. And I don't know how to explain that to others... That feeling of I'm not ready... I don't want it right now. That I'm not lonely, that I'm not afraid that time is running out. That I'm not missing anything. That I'm happy enough to work on who I am. That being alone is better than being in a relationship and wondering.... How did I get here... I don't know if this is normal... Not many people talk about this stuff, about how maybe being with someone else isn't the right choice. But I think sometimes it is. It is okay to work on being your own best date. That sometimes being in a relationship only hides one from the things they need to do to better ones self.... I'd rather wait then play act in a relationship that I'm not ready for....
*********************************************************************************
"So if you not ready for love you should stay single?"
"Why not? If nobody ever got married or had children unless they were really in love, don't you think it would clean up a lot of the mess around here?"
"Miami?"
"Life."
"But then so many people would be alone."
"Is that such a terrible thing? I remember the first time I was lying in bed alone and feeling sorry for myself and I said, Wake up, Iris. Wake up. How many times have you been in bed with someone who was making you feel bad? Unconfident, unloved, or constantly having to hustle to deserve to be loved. Or being cheated on. And I thought, this is definitely better than any of those real-life situations. I was just trying to con myself into a remembering romantic situations that, in fact, hardly ever existed. No. If I can't go first class I don't want to go at all. And it's me, if I'm being honest, who knows what first class is."
"No accommodations. Is that it?"
"Oh, I can accommodate a lot. I can handle a missing limb. Or someone who's not brilliant. Or not a great money-maker. Those things are not problems. I might very well fall in love with someone in any of those categories. What I don't want to do is fall in love with someone I don't really know. Someone I've given a personality to, and later I find out they're someone completely different. And I'm fucked, in more ways than one. Life goes on, Glen. Life goes on. I don't want to waste any time giving really heavy emotion to someone who doesn't get it. Doesn't appreciate it. Doesn't even know what I'm feeling. Does that make sense?"
"My Worst Date." by David Leddick.
Okay...so Irene's friend asked me this question the other night when we at some party. THE QUESTION. If you're single then you know it. The one that well meaning relatives ask at holidays, new co-workers broach it over drinks, a friend of a friend might ask.... (if you know this then say it with me...)
So, are you seeing someone?
I never know quite how to answer this question... (Outside of the sarcastic... "Oh shit, no, thanks for reminding me.... I was going to and then I got busy...) For some people this is a rough question. Throws them into a pit of self-doubt, double guessing, wondering...why aren't I? But for me, to be honest, it doesn't ring any bells... Set off any alarms.
The thing is... I know that I'm not in the place to be in a relationship. And I don't know how to explain that to others... That feeling of I'm not ready... I don't want it right now. That I'm not lonely, that I'm not afraid that time is running out. That I'm not missing anything. That I'm happy enough to work on who I am. That being alone is better than being in a relationship and wondering.... How did I get here... I don't know if this is normal... Not many people talk about this stuff, about how maybe being with someone else isn't the right choice. But I think sometimes it is. It is okay to work on being your own best date. That sometimes being in a relationship only hides one from the things they need to do to better ones self.... I'd rather wait then play act in a relationship that I'm not ready for....
*********************************************************************************
"So if you not ready for love you should stay single?"
"Why not? If nobody ever got married or had children unless they were really in love, don't you think it would clean up a lot of the mess around here?"
"Miami?"
"Life."
"But then so many people would be alone."
"Is that such a terrible thing? I remember the first time I was lying in bed alone and feeling sorry for myself and I said, Wake up, Iris. Wake up. How many times have you been in bed with someone who was making you feel bad? Unconfident, unloved, or constantly having to hustle to deserve to be loved. Or being cheated on. And I thought, this is definitely better than any of those real-life situations. I was just trying to con myself into a remembering romantic situations that, in fact, hardly ever existed. No. If I can't go first class I don't want to go at all. And it's me, if I'm being honest, who knows what first class is."
"No accommodations. Is that it?"
"Oh, I can accommodate a lot. I can handle a missing limb. Or someone who's not brilliant. Or not a great money-maker. Those things are not problems. I might very well fall in love with someone in any of those categories. What I don't want to do is fall in love with someone I don't really know. Someone I've given a personality to, and later I find out they're someone completely different. And I'm fucked, in more ways than one. Life goes on, Glen. Life goes on. I don't want to waste any time giving really heavy emotion to someone who doesn't get it. Doesn't appreciate it. Doesn't even know what I'm feeling. Does that make sense?"
"My Worst Date." by David Leddick.
Friday, March 11, 2005
IS This Me?
You're Michael Novotny.
Trustworthy, sweet, and cute beyond belief, Michael
is everybody's best friend, and the perpetual
Boy Wonder to Brian Kinney's Super (Anti) Hero.
This raven-haired stud with the supersonic
smile was also voted "Guy most likely to
live happily ever after."
What Queer as Folk character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Michael Novotny.
Trustworthy, sweet, and cute beyond belief, Michael
is everybody's best friend, and the perpetual
Boy Wonder to Brian Kinney's Super (Anti) Hero.
This raven-haired stud with the supersonic
smile was also voted "Guy most likely to
live happily ever after."
What Queer as Folk character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Monday, March 07, 2005
Guess Who’s Back…
So I’m a back in a good place. I don’t know what changed about things—I mean, nothing amazing or wonderful happened. Just woke up Sunday morning and thought ‘Damn, it feels good to be a Rorster’.
Maybe it was finally figuring out a script for the 24-hour show—getting over my writer’s block and just moving forward. This even though I was basically told that my story was trite and that more was expected of me. But I still finished it and I like how it is funny and ironic and not all strum and drag. After the first show where I poured out my heart on the paper—I just don’t want to get burned again.
Or maybe it was Benji’s party that put me back in a good mood. I didn’t really expect much of the event—dress up, ‘cocktail’ talk and us all being very adult. Of course I spent the whole night on the back patio with the ‘bad’ kids as they smoked and drank and just talked trash. I like the fact that the evening managed to surprise me in some ways—that I could still enjoy myself in spite of everything that should have annoyed me.
I got to see Willis too and remember why I adore him so—that he is a geek but is still cool enough to know the best parties, the newest music and how to find a good time. I like how smart he makes me feel, how valid and how talented. We have fun and he is probably the closest straight male friend I have right now—though that isn’t really part of the reason that we’re friends.
Though it wasn’t all perfect. I cheated again at the party—something I saw coming but was unable to avoid. I did more than cheat (if I’m honest) I had a rather full fledged public affair which really only hurts myself so… I’m trying not to judge too harshly. (Potato, potato). I need to find a better way to cope.
And I definitely did something rather self-destructive that I still haven’t processed. But I also knew I would break down and go there and now it’s done so… Self-fulfilled prophecy. Done and done.
But after all the starts and stops—I come back to these 2 thoughts—that I will be fine and that I am already fine. Which has always been the case but somehow I forget but now it’s back. Again even.
So I’m a back in a good place. I don’t know what changed about things—I mean, nothing amazing or wonderful happened. Just woke up Sunday morning and thought ‘Damn, it feels good to be a Rorster’.
Maybe it was finally figuring out a script for the 24-hour show—getting over my writer’s block and just moving forward. This even though I was basically told that my story was trite and that more was expected of me. But I still finished it and I like how it is funny and ironic and not all strum and drag. After the first show where I poured out my heart on the paper—I just don’t want to get burned again.
Or maybe it was Benji’s party that put me back in a good mood. I didn’t really expect much of the event—dress up, ‘cocktail’ talk and us all being very adult. Of course I spent the whole night on the back patio with the ‘bad’ kids as they smoked and drank and just talked trash. I like the fact that the evening managed to surprise me in some ways—that I could still enjoy myself in spite of everything that should have annoyed me.
I got to see Willis too and remember why I adore him so—that he is a geek but is still cool enough to know the best parties, the newest music and how to find a good time. I like how smart he makes me feel, how valid and how talented. We have fun and he is probably the closest straight male friend I have right now—though that isn’t really part of the reason that we’re friends.
Though it wasn’t all perfect. I cheated again at the party—something I saw coming but was unable to avoid. I did more than cheat (if I’m honest) I had a rather full fledged public affair which really only hurts myself so… I’m trying not to judge too harshly. (Potato, potato). I need to find a better way to cope.
And I definitely did something rather self-destructive that I still haven’t processed. But I also knew I would break down and go there and now it’s done so… Self-fulfilled prophecy. Done and done.
But after all the starts and stops—I come back to these 2 thoughts—that I will be fine and that I am already fine. Which has always been the case but somehow I forget but now it’s back. Again even.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
This Can't Be!!!!
You Are Avril Lavigne!A bit hardcore on the outside... But sweet and sensitive on the inside. "It's a damn cold night Trying to figure out this life" Who's Your Inner Rock Chick? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |  |
Friday, March 04, 2005
I'm What Now?
| What kind of artwork are you? You stick out like a sore thumb! You are sometimes mistaken for being cold or reserved, but inside you're really not. Sometimes you just want to be accepted for you are, instead of people judging you before they know you.
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| Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests. |
Don’t We All
I’ve cheated on myself three times today. I’m not very proud of this—that I couldn’t stop myself from bad behavior, from ignoring my better instincts, from going after my goals. I want so desperately to change these things, to move forward and on to the next step—whatever it may be.
Instead I have been feeling weak, tired and raw. I had a moment today when the right choice was so easy, so there in front of me and yet I panicked and ran away. I literally climbed into bed and pull the covers over my head. Definitely not my best moment and I wish I could understand why I just can’t follow through on the best, healthiest, least painful options—but I don’t know and I am left back at the start and feeling worse than before.
And in this mix—I have been having writer’s block. This is abnormal for me, I can always find some to write about, describe and over analyze but not right now. It’s like I lost this sense of who I am and the reason it is gone is so obvious but shallow and stupid and if these bad patterns and behaviors are how I create and write and make whatever it is that I do make—well then maybe I should stop.
Ruby said something tonight that I hope is true about me after all is said and done…
“I hope that I am always myself”.
Don’t we all, don’t we all….
I’ve cheated on myself three times today. I’m not very proud of this—that I couldn’t stop myself from bad behavior, from ignoring my better instincts, from going after my goals. I want so desperately to change these things, to move forward and on to the next step—whatever it may be.
Instead I have been feeling weak, tired and raw. I had a moment today when the right choice was so easy, so there in front of me and yet I panicked and ran away. I literally climbed into bed and pull the covers over my head. Definitely not my best moment and I wish I could understand why I just can’t follow through on the best, healthiest, least painful options—but I don’t know and I am left back at the start and feeling worse than before.
And in this mix—I have been having writer’s block. This is abnormal for me, I can always find some to write about, describe and over analyze but not right now. It’s like I lost this sense of who I am and the reason it is gone is so obvious but shallow and stupid and if these bad patterns and behaviors are how I create and write and make whatever it is that I do make—well then maybe I should stop.
Ruby said something tonight that I hope is true about me after all is said and done…
“I hope that I am always myself”.
Don’t we all, don’t we all….
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
I’ve Been Boring….
I am boring—I did nothing at all today. I cleaned the apartment sans Mrs. Garrett’s help—rather she asked me to help her out by vacuuming her room. It’s like she is my own cross to bear but she only occupied a brief moment of day.
I was pleasantly surprised by Edie’s early arrival home—which prevented me from going roller skating—another pleasant surprise. We hung out over mail and talked about clothes and out of town trips and then off to buy food. I don’t think we ever have this much food in the apartment before.
Exciting eh? But I’m glad that it was a chill day, a stay inside day, a low key, just wear a hat day… Followed with ‘Gilmore Girls’ and “One Tree Hill’ and lounging around the living room with face masks and tea. Yummy, minty and calming. (And that was just the facemask, never mind the tea.
I forget how easy it can, to relax and turn off… It’s fun, I should do this more.
I am boring—I did nothing at all today. I cleaned the apartment sans Mrs. Garrett’s help—rather she asked me to help her out by vacuuming her room. It’s like she is my own cross to bear but she only occupied a brief moment of day.
I was pleasantly surprised by Edie’s early arrival home—which prevented me from going roller skating—another pleasant surprise. We hung out over mail and talked about clothes and out of town trips and then off to buy food. I don’t think we ever have this much food in the apartment before.
Exciting eh? But I’m glad that it was a chill day, a stay inside day, a low key, just wear a hat day… Followed with ‘Gilmore Girls’ and “One Tree Hill’ and lounging around the living room with face masks and tea. Yummy, minty and calming. (And that was just the facemask, never mind the tea.
I forget how easy it can, to relax and turn off… It’s fun, I should do this more.
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