Monday, October 19, 2015



I've been depressed.

This isnt just casual sadness, the little waves of discontent that sometimes happen, disappointments from day to day life... It has been real depression--the inability to talk, to do the things I like, feeling lost even with the people who love me... I have never felt this way before and it's such a weight to try and shake...

It started this summer and is the reason I haven't been writing as much as I should.

It began with the wrapping up of my show--it was a hard season which was parts my fault and parts others'... I was relived to be on hiatus and actively searched for another job but couldn't even get an interview for jobs I was overqualified for... And then other people were finding new jobs so quickly--it just shook me up to feel like I had no options. And when I decided to accept the offer to go back to my old show--I had an idea in my head how to make the situation better but was derailed by other people's gossip.... I spent the week before I returned to the show crying because I felt so stupid.

But during this time I also had a bad cancer scare--really bad and it just overtook my head.... I spent my birthday bandaged up from a biopsy but hadn't really spoken to anyone about it... It just made me feel even more distant from people--emotionally and physically. I felt I didn't have anyone or any way to talk out my feelings and the husband was not enough...

So I tried to channel all my energy and fear into working out... It's been a year since I quit smoking and the weight just piled on so I jumped into a harder workout routine than I had been doing... Eventually I managed to pretty seriously injure my chest muscle--to the  point that almost 2 months later I am sore after doing basic pushups... But at the time when I first pulled it--I just stopped working out which made me feel even fatter.

It's been a hell of a past few months

But it was getting better--my return to the show was huge in helping me... There was a real effort to change the process, to make it more positive and it was working... My best friend was returning to LA sooner than expected which was a relief... The husbear and I were coming up on our anniversary trip to San Diego... Things were starting to pick up

Then the show had an injunction brought against it, filming stopped and we were all laid off... Johnno was offered a new job which required us to cancel the trip--he even had to work part of the weekend--and the gig is just long enough to mess up these plans then back to the same routine... And one friend is moving further away from us and I have just been kind of stuck alone in my own space....

So that depressed thing I was starting to shake just came back doubled.

But I am trying to take control. Hopefully by writing again... By making a workout that allows me to heal while still working on my stamina... By pushing myself to reach out when I can... Hopefully that is enough to climb up and out of this hole...

Though I feel like one of those clouds in a medication ad.


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