Love My Misfit Family (Or a drunken rant)
So.... I mujst learn to believe the things I know to be true.... Like this magic (know to me as the things work out syndrome).... I was so worried about the entire meeting/workshop thing tomorrow and it has all worked out... My ex-roomie Billie is taking me to the meeting tomorrow and Edie's brother is picking up there.... I guess I should just trust that things are going to be fine and the GREAT BIG SPIIRT thingie won't given me more than I can chew... That there are no excuses just ways to try and rise above the issues of one's life.... That I am fortunate to be surround by great people and that we DO all take care of each other--like a misfit family that fights, has drama but still loves each other and would fight to the end of the world for each other....I think..who knows... I am drunk and giving capable. (notice the lack of the world good... still have that "world is a vampire thing going on within me...)
Thursday, October 30, 2003
Oh Halloween.... My favorite holiday.... I get to dress up, act funny with friends that I don't spend enough time with, and is the kick off to the busiest time of year. Tis swell... And as there is always more than one party.... here are possible costumes for the Rorster...
1) The blonde curly haired boy from "Fame".... Leggigs, a wig, and the abilty to cry and dance... (also includes boom box for Irene Cara hits...)
2) Master/dominatrix... All black, a bridle and riding crop/whip... Must work on German accent though...
3) Punked out verision of Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George.... Yellow sweatshirt, yellow baseball cap woren Ashton K. Style and large stuffed monkey.... ALready have at that....
4) White trash.... boxers, socks, wife beater and farrah fawette wig with baseball cap.... easy.
5) Borrow Lizzy's wig and go as the red haired mordern Cher.... Requires gay sidekick (Jack anyone?) and the abilty to dress much younger.... I do have laxtex pants and could borrow shoes from Kelly or Candice....
Ah well... the drama continues... Let you all know if I even fit in the costume....yikes...
1) The blonde curly haired boy from "Fame".... Leggigs, a wig, and the abilty to cry and dance... (also includes boom box for Irene Cara hits...)
2) Master/dominatrix... All black, a bridle and riding crop/whip... Must work on German accent though...
3) Punked out verision of Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George.... Yellow sweatshirt, yellow baseball cap woren Ashton K. Style and large stuffed monkey.... ALready have at that....
4) White trash.... boxers, socks, wife beater and farrah fawette wig with baseball cap.... easy.
5) Borrow Lizzy's wig and go as the red haired mordern Cher.... Requires gay sidekick (Jack anyone?) and the abilty to dress much younger.... I do have laxtex pants and could borrow shoes from Kelly or Candice....
Ah well... the drama continues... Let you all know if I even fit in the costume....yikes...
Okay..well...went on job interview and it was great... Entry level at an adverstising place, seems fun and small and still kewl.... I'm having a second interview on Monday--a day with the company... we'll see how that goes. A little annoyed that it was futher than Mary said, and thank god Lizzy was able to drive me there after they reschedule me earlier. But still was a good time. Now just have to reschedule my interview for monday to Tuesday I guess? (when it rains it pours....) And now I can relax a little till I find a way to Canoga PArk... All I need is a miracle.....lol!
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
So...now I am freaking out... Came home from fun little day trip with Lizzy, Natatlie and Dak to find out that I have to go to the meeting this week or I lose my benefits..... AM freaking out..... Cause of damn bus strike issues cannot figure out a way to Canoga Park for this crap. Have to take a 3 HOUR meeting on how to find a job--how to use the internet, retraining classes and other useless crap.... I guess I have to see if there is anyone I can beg to help me out... Though I do also have an interview torromow too..... I am so pissed right now............................... But more freaking out in a why-don't-I-throw-myself-in-traffic kind of way......
I'm in a crappy mood this morning.... Tomorrow I have a job interview to be a reciptionist in Burbank, which is good. I have not had many calls for any of the jobs I have applied to. The bitch is that the Unemployment Department wants me to go in for a workshop thing in Canoga Park and I can't do both... The thing is I could call them and explain the sitatution but I'm worried that they threaten my beneficts.... And I need those... Who knows, maybe they'll be understanding. I have my doubts though.... Keep your fingers crossed.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Okay....after readjusting to Los ANgeles... I have realized the five following things...
1) That true love exists.... Ruby and Heath's weddinh was everything it was supposed to be; magical, funny, touching and very much about their love... That even though it was crazy and stressful at times that evryone had fun and could see the love that they share. And that, for me, is amazing and important to know.
2) That seeing my little baby sister for first time has soon me sevral things... That one, I will be going home more often because that little girl is more than enough of a reason to get on a plane. That I still want children and will never settle for a situtation or with someone where that is not possible. And that life itself is a beatiful thing and I have to thank her for reminding me of that...
3) That my mother understand more than I have given credit for. Talking with her yesterday made me realize that we all have some verison of that self doubt, some verision of second guessing. That the one thing we can hold to is the believe that things happen for a reason and that those dreams we have as a child change for the better. That there are paths of happiness that some that young can't see and not to use that as one's standard for sucess or failure.
4) That I can chubby again... My brother told me I looked better than the last time he saw me, that I need more weight on my frame. That my mother and him both thought I was too skinny... I felt like Bridget Jones for a moment; she gets to keep the weight, the smokes, the booze and the guy. However I would still Like to drop 14-20 pounds...
5) That I have to believe in magic... My friend Lizzy said that was the one sign that things were not going to work out with her ex Reggie.... That he didn't believe in magic.... (By magic, I am refering to fate, destiny, karma, what have you...) That I have to believe that things happen for good reason and that things will work out... That I should go for the long shot job, I should meet up with Cord though I feel ugly at the moment, that I should try for the world and believe that it might possible to get some of it.... Thanks for reminding me of that, my grown up Punky....
1) That true love exists.... Ruby and Heath's weddinh was everything it was supposed to be; magical, funny, touching and very much about their love... That even though it was crazy and stressful at times that evryone had fun and could see the love that they share. And that, for me, is amazing and important to know.
2) That seeing my little baby sister for first time has soon me sevral things... That one, I will be going home more often because that little girl is more than enough of a reason to get on a plane. That I still want children and will never settle for a situtation or with someone where that is not possible. And that life itself is a beatiful thing and I have to thank her for reminding me of that...
3) That my mother understand more than I have given credit for. Talking with her yesterday made me realize that we all have some verison of that self doubt, some verision of second guessing. That the one thing we can hold to is the believe that things happen for a reason and that those dreams we have as a child change for the better. That there are paths of happiness that some that young can't see and not to use that as one's standard for sucess or failure.
4) That I can chubby again... My brother told me I looked better than the last time he saw me, that I need more weight on my frame. That my mother and him both thought I was too skinny... I felt like Bridget Jones for a moment; she gets to keep the weight, the smokes, the booze and the guy. However I would still Like to drop 14-20 pounds...
5) That I have to believe in magic... My friend Lizzy said that was the one sign that things were not going to work out with her ex Reggie.... That he didn't believe in magic.... (By magic, I am refering to fate, destiny, karma, what have you...) That I have to believe that things happen for good reason and that things will work out... That I should go for the long shot job, I should meet up with Cord though I feel ugly at the moment, that I should try for the world and believe that it might possible to get some of it.... Thanks for reminding me of that, my grown up Punky....
So I was cracked out last post.... Blame it on lack of sleep, too much travel, concern about the fires.... what have you. SO in the last post of East-Coast-Based-Navel-Gazing (consider it "Dawson's Creek" gone reality) I guess what I realized is that going home brings me back to places and questions that I have always had about myself... If I have chased the right goals, done everything with what I have been given... That it is not family that makes me crazy but it is myself that I am facing... I don't want to wake up and realize that I was never at my potenial... never gave things my best shot... To quote Paula Cole (and "Dawson's Creek") I don't wanna wait for my life to be over.......
Monday, October 27, 2003
Okay.... So I am the first to admit that my last post was rough.... My mom read it and sent me a response that broke my heart.... I guess I was being too much (as per the norm) and that I stepped on some toes....
What I meant by the last posting was simply that it is rough sometimes.... To face all the things that you aren't sure you want to be. To see the ways that people sometimes miss you... But the harshest point of all is the realization that being home makes me face my self and my decisions...
Going home is like finding my ghost... That 13 year old version of me, of what I thought I would have and could have.... Facing all things that I did right and wrong... That maybe I wasn't ever as clever or talented or as much as I once thought I was.....
I know that sometimes dreams change, that life gives you a new view on the world, that the things you once held dear are as important as you thought.... But it is hard not to wonder where you could have gone if you listen to that kid inside you... That maybe life would be better if I could drink dirty martinis evry Friday, that I haven't put enough effort in love live, that I have given up too soon on things that still seem to matter or that kiddo couldn't make me care. While it is hard to disappoint most people it is much harder to disappoint your self.
What I meant by the last posting was simply that it is rough sometimes.... To face all the things that you aren't sure you want to be. To see the ways that people sometimes miss you... But the harshest point of all is the realization that being home makes me face my self and my decisions...
Going home is like finding my ghost... That 13 year old version of me, of what I thought I would have and could have.... Facing all things that I did right and wrong... That maybe I wasn't ever as clever or talented or as much as I once thought I was.....
I know that sometimes dreams change, that life gives you a new view on the world, that the things you once held dear are as important as you thought.... But it is hard not to wonder where you could have gone if you listen to that kid inside you... That maybe life would be better if I could drink dirty martinis evry Friday, that I haven't put enough effort in love live, that I have given up too soon on things that still seem to matter or that kiddo couldn't make me care. While it is hard to disappoint most people it is much harder to disappoint your self.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
So, I'm home for a week right now.... Home being the East Coast, Backwoods Massachuttes, next to protected wetlands and half-hour to the New Hampshire border. And it is as exciting as it sounds....
It's odd to realize that within my first three days here I have regressed back to a light-weight version of my high school self--the only self that my family seems to truly understand. Even though that person has been gone for the last nine years of my life. What is more disturbing is how quickly I have allowed myself back into that role, how easy it is to just be what they want me to be. What they need me to be.
I guess on some level it makes me sad, to realize how much of my life they don't know, don't understand, don't ask about. Part of me knows I could try harder, push the issue... But I don't want to have to spell things out for them... (yes, I'm still gay and it's not going to change anytime soon... Well, unless I met Liza Minelli....She seems to like gay men.....) I don't want to justify Los Angeles... (The weather, that's why I stay... Cause rain is just so inconvenient.... That's the only reason... You watch the news.... You know all the problems there..... Traffic, the governor, gangs... Thank God that CNN and MTV are able to define my city for me... I'm too traumatized to express myself....) But I also wonder why I don't want to push things with them. Try and make them understand.....
Maybe it's because I am finally AN ADULT!!! That I am able to LIVE MY OWN LIFE, free of their JUDGMENTS!!! Or maybe it is something more dark and depressing than that. I do have a theory but I also have a brunch with my Great Aunt, Step-Grandparents and other people waiting in the jury pool that is my family versus the State of Rory Lapointe.
It's odd to realize that within my first three days here I have regressed back to a light-weight version of my high school self--the only self that my family seems to truly understand. Even though that person has been gone for the last nine years of my life. What is more disturbing is how quickly I have allowed myself back into that role, how easy it is to just be what they want me to be. What they need me to be.
I guess on some level it makes me sad, to realize how much of my life they don't know, don't understand, don't ask about. Part of me knows I could try harder, push the issue... But I don't want to have to spell things out for them... (yes, I'm still gay and it's not going to change anytime soon... Well, unless I met Liza Minelli....She seems to like gay men.....) I don't want to justify Los Angeles... (The weather, that's why I stay... Cause rain is just so inconvenient.... That's the only reason... You watch the news.... You know all the problems there..... Traffic, the governor, gangs... Thank God that CNN and MTV are able to define my city for me... I'm too traumatized to express myself....) But I also wonder why I don't want to push things with them. Try and make them understand.....
Maybe it's because I am finally AN ADULT!!! That I am able to LIVE MY OWN LIFE, free of their JUDGMENTS!!! Or maybe it is something more dark and depressing than that. I do have a theory but I also have a brunch with my Great Aunt, Step-Grandparents and other people waiting in the jury pool that is my family versus the State of Rory Lapointe.
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