ABOUT ME
1.What time is it? 10:30

2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: George Walter Haworth Foust III
3. Number of candles on your last birthday cake? A 2 and a ?....

4. Pet: none, unless you can count my friend Lise..( just kidding)

5. Colour of hair: strawberry blond

6. Piercing: small stud in nose

7. Eye color: blue


8. Hometown: Pepperell, Ma


9. Town you live in: Los Angeles

10. Favourite Foods: Cheese, chinese food and salads

11. Summer or winter? summer

12. Stay on the sand or hit the water? Sand with a beer and a book...


13. Love someone so much it made you cry? I'll let you know when it happens.

14. Mayo or Mustard? Honey mustard.

15. Croutons or bacon bits? Courtons.

16. Favourite day of the week: Sunday morning

17. Favourite restaurant? Hmm... Great India Cafe, Le Frit, and Toi

18. Favourite flower? Orchild
19. Favourite sport to watch? hockey, croquet and tennis

20. Favourite carbonated drink? Diet Vanilla Coke.


21. Favourite adult beverage? Martini (dirty like Christina A.), Side cars, gin and tonic.

22. On top or on the bottom? Depends on the boy...


23.Disney or Warner Bros? Looney tunes



24. Favourite fast food restaurant? In and Out or Baja Fresh



25. Bedroom done in? Orange walls, Indian curtains, crushed velet pillow and art from all over and a tiny buddha...

26. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Never

27. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? The last guy I hooked up with.

28. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? American Eagle, Borders/Bookstar, Virgin Music, Pier One/Z Gallery.

29. What do you do most often when you are bored? Read, listen to Rufus Wainwright and Velvet underground with candles burning.

30. Most annoying thing people say to me? Weren't you thinner?

31. Bedtime? Later than late....

32. Who will respond to this email the quickest? Can't say...

33. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to
respond? Jen or Brandy

34. Favorite TV shows: General Hospital, American Justice, CSI/Without a Trace, One Tree Hill, Brini Maxwell.


35. Last person(s) you went out to dinner with? Lise Kearney at the Coffee Table....

36. Ford or Chevy? Chevy but only if a cherry red nova

37. what are you listening to right now? dateline on nbc


38. Time you finished this email? 10:34 PST

Bye “Sex and the City”

So this past Sunday we said good-bye to Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda (and Big, Steve, Stanford, Magda, Brady, and a how slew of friends.) I watched the episode with my own girls… Lizzie, Kelly and Valeska along with take out and no carb beer.

I don’t want to give anything away but what a disappointing last show. The charm and joy about the show was that is was being single after a certain with different types of the sterotype represented. There was the vixen, the career woman, the traditionalist and the dreamer all showing what it was like, the type of men we meet, keep or lose along the way as we try to figure out what it that men bring to the table.

It was about bad dates, tough relationships and good friendships with all the people that fill our lives. It taught us about gay-acting straight men, sexually transmitted isuues and the bonds that we form as we make our own families in our live. It was about fashion and humor, sexuality and love, the ways we try to live and the ways it play out. It is something that I will miss and not just because it is off the air but by how wrong the last show was….

I’d like to believe that this show maybe it okay to be alone just a little and help to understand that it isn’t just us that makes us single…it’s about what we want and how you have to hold out until you get. That there is no wrong ways to live as a single person—just ways to get through. And it proved that friendship could be the best way to get bye. Thanks girls—we’ll miss you.

Big fun...... Look at this!

If you wanna be my friend…

Don’t lie to me. It seems simple but sometimes people do what they think they have to do and that will include lying. I guess this is all about Billie and Mac though they aren’t the only one who have done this. It all started with V-Day.

A couple of weeks earlier we had discussed the up coming do and what to do. We are all in various stage of single, me as always, Mac trying to figure out the boy from work and Billie just having a date or two with this one guy. We all realized that we wanted to go out on the town together and planned for V-Day as our LA debuted into society—high or otherwise.

As the day drew closer I started to send e-mails and make phone to get an idea of what we should do. Mac was thinking a film, maybe dinner or dancing and I was all about that. Billie, however didn’t bother to call. I talked with Mac about it and she got this feeling that Billie was going to bow out last minute. I was a little bothered by this and we both suspected that it had something to do with the boy but…as long as she let us know what was up it would be fine.
A couple of days went by with no info from Billie to me at all. I was a little annoyed because she sent random e-mails about other stuff and had talked with Mac a couple of times. We ruled her out of the plans the night before and just kind bummed about it.

Then we were watching “Monster” (Great flick by the way) when Mac got a phone call from Billie. They talked for about 10-15 minutes and Mac even told Billie that I was right there with her, hanging out. Billie didn’t ask to speak to me at all, no message sent via Mac about what was going on...she just hung up. Mac and I watched the movie and that was it. I did let on that I was a little pissed that there was nothing said to me about the next day but…

Then came Monday. It was a holiday and so Mac was around and we were going to put together this bookshelf she had just bought. She had to run into work first and so I took a nap while she ran her errands. There was a phone call but I didn’t get up to take it. I checked the messages later and it was Billie. It didn’t really say what happened about V-Day but that she was sorry and that Mac was with her and they were coming over to do the shelf.

This made me angry. Not only did I not know what happened but it was obvious from the way the message went that Mac had told Billie I was upset and that she was only calling because she was on her way here and didn’t want it to be awkward. The thing is, a forced apology is worthless to me and I would have rather spoken to her in person and found what the deal was.

The other part that made me mad was that she said she was just sick and didn’t want to do anything. Well, if that was the case then why didn’t Mac (whom had spoken with her multiple times before) ever tell me this? The truth is, I believe she went out with the boy for V-Day, which isn’t a big deal, but the choosing to lie and, by default, having Mac lie too is just not fair.

I have been in that position before and would I be bummed if that was the case? A little but is was also a holiday and I get that. But by lying to me and forcing someone else to lie—that’s just not respectful of anyone involved. And I would like to discuss out with Billie but she hides from this type of stuff. I guess my big thing is now I feel like I have lost a friendship with her. Mac and I will be fine, I understand alliances but it just such a shaft to Billie’s friendship and me. And it is her choice to fix it. Or not.

V-DAY Madness

So, V-DAY had it's usual madness and mystery as per the normal. This day has never been romantic for me but rather like a David Lynch and Tim Burton love child. It began with me and Mac just hanging out and talking about our plans. We had made a standing date for the day and were ready to begin the day with a smile.

Things took to the road and we wander the streets of Woodbridge Park with our usual apomb. Mac dropped off her dry cleaning and I decided to creep into the local gay owned card shop. I found something cute and sweet for Mac and went to play and thinking good happy thoughts. Til the little old man behind the counter said I couldn't use my card. So, without thinking about it I went out and borrowed a couple of bucks from Mac. Thus sealing my abilty to not be responsible or sauve.

After that awkwardness, we retreated back to 236 and spent the day reading, napping and just hanging out. It was all funny because of how bad we are at slacking and ened up cleaning the house. And calling everyone we both knew for plans for the night. We really couldn't figure out what we wanted to do--movie, dinner, dancing... no idea...

Finally, I talked with Kirby who told me that Candice and her friend from out of twon had decided to go out to a bar that i had just been at a couple weeks ago with Lucy and Chloe. It sounded like a fun idea, laid-back place and a good time with a couple of roommates, former and other wise. So Kirby promised to call if the plans changed and Mac and I picked oput some outfits for the evening.

We decide around 8 o'clock to see a film before we wnet to the bar and barely made the flick "Miracle". Great film, hockey boys and just good times. We both enjoyed ourselves and i realized my natural ambition to sleep with a NHL player. Mac worried that i might have an orgasim in the middle of the theater but it was a good time. We grabbed some burgers and were off to the bar.

We get to the bar and find some parking in a nearby garage and we jump out and valet the car. The little hispanic guy tells us that it is $5 with validation or $25 if you don't go. So we jumped out of the car, went around the corner to get some cash and came back to find a line out side the bar. After a 25 minute wait and various phone calls to make sure that Candice and Kirby haven't call the message and ducked out of the night's plans. No sign of them and Mac is cold and I'm not paying $25 for parking so we finally get in and grab a drink.

I make sure that Mac gets the parking thing sorted out as I go to the bathrrom and do a quick search for the others. No sign and i'm a little annoyed as I head back to the bar where mac is. i trip over some guy and apologize...it's takes a beat for me to realize that it is Vedder just randomly at the same bar. We talk for a moment and i point out where poor Mac has been surrounded by Euro trash men.

I ome to the rescue and play the boy freind card and save her ass. I tell her that Vedder is there and point him out and then we raise a glass to him. About a beat later I realized that Walker was across the room, too. Both boys join up with us eventually and we have a grand time just hanging out and drinking and talkin. Of course, we are there til the bar closes and we take it out to the street. Mac and Vedder go to get the cars as waler and I talk. It comes up about Kelly and how he thinks it was a mistake, about how he wants to ask out Mac and what a bad idea that is. I explain girl code to him--about how he hooked up with Kelly and how that blcoks him from a lot of people

He asks if this blocks us from happening. If Vedder and mac hadn't shown up with the cars, I don't know what would have happened. That's not true, i do know but......

The Truth about Walker

So after the V-Day fiasco, Mac and I got home and just hung out, laughing about the bar and Vedder and Walker. We were just loopy and silly as we rolled around the house looking for something to eat and making plans for the rest of the weekend.

Imagine to my surprise when Mac just looked at me and said, “What do you want from Walker?” It was a little bit out of left field and just so direct that, even in our semi-drunk state, I was taken aback. I had to think about it for a second and then I realized that even I wasn’t sure. And if something does happen, I’m going to need an explanation that will satisfy the masses.

I guess Walker symbolizes the lack of opportunity to meet men within this group. This isn’t to say he’s a body pillow while I wait for something else to come along but he is chance for me to have something while staying in bounds of the group. I find him interesting, kind of cute and, honestly, someone that I could help out in the long run.

It fits into my habit of being a fixer. I like to help people and while my tactics aren’t always the best, I do try. And Walker, with his drinking problem and his habit of cock blocking Vedder as well as he’s confusing sexual interests—it appeals to me. I guess it is like the Nick issue, someone who I do like and would want to get to know better because I feel I can be of use to them. And that is where my problem lies.

I have a history of trying to do the best by everyone and it is usually not to my own best interest. I will sacrifice my goals and hope in order to make everyone else happy. I will give time, energy and a piece of my heart to anyone who needs it, regardless of whether they will respect that at the end. And Walker falls into that category and combined with the lack of men in this group for me to meet…well, he just becomes something that I can have, as opposed to something I even want or need.

And I do believe we will end up hooking up, being the talk of some parts of the group and then it will be done and just another piece of my history. And if that’s bad, well…we all have those stories, right?

Just Call Me Rory Kane

I have always loved soap operas. I gew on a heavy diet of General Hospital, Santa Barbara and even Sunset Beach and a little Guiding light. I learned much from this unsentimnetal education and have used these lessons well in life. I don't mean waiting for a sweet prince to stumble in or a nice wedding or having an evil twin but sensible things like how to get what you want by using looks, brains and a I-am-the-world motavation.

What this means is that i have studied the best divas on the air. Erica, Lucy, Rev and even a little bit of Gina. Women who are smart, crafty and even a little bit much at times. And these traits are one that i have eagerly absorbed in my system. Not blackmailing or man-stealing, mind you, but the abilty to decide what you want and have a single minded plan to get it.

Which brings this to Libbs. Libbs is the super hot tape master at my current job. Blond, blue eyed and a fashion sense that rivals my own. He is kind, sweet, funny and even a little bit wicked at time and I made the concious decision to figure out to make him mine.

It started in the simplest of ways; finding out his last name (Christian...) his e-mail, work schedule and even his home address. Now before you think stalker i would like to point out that this information is just for a base background on what i am dealing with. Not to call his house, not send scary e-mails but to learn little details. Like the type of neighborhood he likes, whether he is funny enough to have a cute e-mail address or even when i should dress more alluring.

Now, with this information the game was in play and i began to start to make myself noticed. Comments about his neighborhood like talking about cute coffee gouses in the area and then Libbs says something like "Oh, that's by my house." And I look surprised and say something like "really?" I look much more naivee than I am and so this approach works well.

I notice little things as well. A good diva-villan notices not only their surroundings but the unspoke. the ring check on his hand (nothing) the cute picture of the love interest (nada) or even the type of music he listens to. All these tiny details can add up to big ways to save time when I like someone. I don't want to chase after people in relationships or even a metrosexual straight boy. So gathering details can save me time and effort because no one wants to be the gay guy eating out his heart over something he can't have.

I notcied little things like the script that is always on his desk (which he wrote and make me even more into him) and the fact that he likes chocolate covered cherries. (Cute) I was able to engage him in conversation about writing and managed to in a random way tell him about my writing too. He was interested and we talked for about a half-hour.

Now before you judge my tarcits I would just like to say that as gay and lesbians become more mainstream it is harder to pick oursleves out. I mean, it used to be hankies, freedom rings and other easy to spot fashion accessories or tattoos. But now living in a culture exposed to lesbians on daytime, gay in prime time and even out actors and homoerotic subtext in films (hello, "Lord of the Rings") it gets harder to know for sure. And, regardless of place or timing (unless it's a sex club) it is not a good idea to ask someone's sexual prefernce. It's just rude.

So at the end of the day, that's why i do the things I do. I don't want to waste my time or make someone uncomfortable because they are not on my team. Or if they're in a relationship. Or just incompatable. And so I used my skills learned from the halls of daytime's best-- know what you want, find the ways to make it happen and never waste your time. Because there is nothing worse than giving yourself away to the wrong people.

Oh and by the way, Libbs didn't know what I meant by being published in "XY". So I guess I am not going to waste my time anymore. That's what Erica would do.

And the Beat goes on....

So work this week as been fun and slow at the same time. While I am happy to be free of the play i am still tired and cranky from my lack of control over my life. I e-mailed Cord earlier this week with no response. I am meeting with Kirby to discuss her script tomorrow and am supposed to meet with Candice for coffee but I don't know how that will play out.

And Kelly and Lizzie are on their way to vegas as I write this. The research for the Hunt has begun and I am not a part of it. :( But I know that this is just what Lizzie needs for the next couple of days and she will be able to get out of town and forget her woes so....more power to her. And i am sure that Kelly will have another great story about the men of Vegas. Hopefully the sailors aren't there now or they won't know what hit them.

As for myself, i am trying to get started on my piece for billie's show and trying to figure out what type of piece to create. I think it is better to go for new material--don't you? And now that I have V-Day plans with Mac and Billie then maybe the boys stuff can get hopping too. Who knows? But hope spring eternal and if I just don't go crazy and toss myself at the hunky Libbs the Tape master. (Though he is hot and blond and just the thing to help me keep my will to live..... I'm sure he is straigh bit is he str8....? That is the question best saved for the wrap party. Yikes Yikes.

We Survived Lois

So, last night was the last show, the last dance for Katie and that cast... PADWAD is free! Sounds terrible I know, but let's be honest here... Ruby, Kirby, Valeska and I went for a drink and just a toast to the end of non-art and things we don't care about... Which is good...

My next artistic adventure is writing a monlogue piece for Billie and some writing show she would like to do. I don't know how I feel about this idea nad even if I will write something new or bring out something from the past--like XY stuff....

My stepfather's dad had quad bypass surgey.... He is doing quite well and everyone seems fine about it. I guess I put that in random but I don't know how to describe it here because it fits a s random in my life as it does in this column.....

New words


Double bagger-- slang term reffering to what action you should take with sexually promisicous person. Refers to the need of two condoms at the same time. Example.... "Collin Farrell is a double bagger."

Homoerotic Attack-- verb. Refers to when one person tries to make another person of same sex uncomfortable via an attck on personal space. Example "Vedd totally put the homoerotic attack on Rory with that lap dance.


Wardrobe failure--slang. Refers to when someone's clothing malfuctions and shows something it shouldn't. Celeb example include Janet and Justin breast issue. Example" I had total wardrobe failure when my boobs popped out of my tube top while reaching for my St. Edes."

Hell Weekend Part Two

So Sunday came....The super bowl party was great and I was able to hang with evryone briefly... There were some hotties who looked like refugees from a boy band. Nick and I both wonder why the other wasn't flirting with them... Alas, Valeska and I had to leave for the play's opening night but we did get to see the breast that shocked the world.

The play went fine but both Valeska and I were in bad moods because of missing the party but we pulled off our jobs with natural aplom. Then we tried to find out if the party was still on but a large group had gone out to a bar instead; Willis, Mandy, Macy, Davis, Irene, Grant, Kelly and Edie's brother Vedd and his friend Walker. But we could find them so we went out with the cast to have an opening night drink. That was fun though I was distracted by the hottness of Peter in our cats. Just wow...

The evening ended and Valeska and I said by to Ruby, Kirby and the cast and prepared to go home. That's when we recieved a call from Kelly, drunk and in Burbank and loking to score. She told us that she wanted to sleep with Walker. Now Walker is an nice guy but has a huge drinking problem and has woken up many a place without any idea how he got there. He is a prime canidate for stds... So valeska and I went to the bar--which was really hard to find--and tried to put a stop to things....

Of course, everyone was drunk and Valeska and I were both sober which led to the entire "I'm not happy dealing with fools mentallity." I talked with Kelly who said that she din't want to sleep with Walker so the issue was over. Of course, an hour later she is missing and I find her out side the bar, up aginst a wall making out with Walker anyway. So, I was a little pissed and Kelly came over with Walker and talk about how she wasn't gong to keep this up. Walker said she would do whatever she wanted if she just kept kissing him.

In Kelly's drunk state she looked at Walker and said only if you kiss Rory.... The next thing I know I am up against the wall witha drunken and heavy weighting Walker kissing me. I was so startled that I didn't know what to do at first... Then Kelly went in the bar, leaving us outside and Walker, in a momment of concern, asked if he was doing things right. I managed to break away and was a little annoyed at being pimped out.
'
The rest fo the night was alittle bit angry on my part and Kelly, Walker and Vedd left to go home. I was annoyed even more by this and then was told off by Irene and Grant that I shouldn't care and that Kelly deserves whatever she gets from Walker...std or other things. This pissed me off more because it made me realize how selfish some people are. I know that there was drinking in volved but that just really shows who you are at times.

But the night was saved by Willis and a couple of burgers and friendship. He is a great guy and better friend. If only.... (Oh, by the way, Kelly didn't sleep with Walker....)

Hell weekend Part One...

Hey all. Sorry for the lateness and lack of fresh dirt but life was not my own and has just began to slow down. I am very annoyed as of late but not with this part. Work was as fun as always but I did have a bomb dropped on me and am just ducking my feelings about It. They turned around and offered me full time and a lot more m oney and I can't take it because of the play. I'm mostly bummed but am also quite aware that this was always possible and that I can't hold anyone to blame. The thing that drives me nuts is just that I don't know if anyone involved would make the same choice if the roles were reversed.

But I did see Lucy and it was better than I thought. She is like a well fitting, humrous yet sexy vintage t-shirt. It looks good on a hanger but better on. We met up Friday with Chloe at a bar near work and we just picked up like she never left. She looks stunning and happy and just so much better than I think I have ever seen her.

We bummed around Hollywood...hung at bars and Greccos and laughed and drank and had sushi and beaome the people we all were. It was so much fun and tips scales toward SF and the possibilites there. I love thoses girls and it was just amazing.

Sat was the night of the Resole party at Skylar's and Lucy and Chole came. There were nerves abounding but all for naught--the love was there and things touched back to how we always have wanted to be to each, I think. Lucy was happy, Kelly, Donnie and Renny all fell back in love with her. It was great and happy and just so much better than we had expected.

Of course there was alittle fallout with getting the girls a cab but we were able to get them back in time for their private club party. I cried after Lucy left, just because I was so damn happy for her, and a little for me. And god bless Carol Channing. But when did she have corn? Thanks Chloe!!

That's about it for now. Part two will hopefully be sooner than later. There's still super bowl, the play and the after party to discuss... Yikes

The men of middle earth and other adventures with chloe

So, last night Chloe and i finallly had a pow wow via the phone. FOr some reason I was slap happy and no one was around to enjoy it so... We had one of those phone conversations that should be had in person. It wasn't till reached a story that defied phone that I decided to jump on the subway to Hollywood and the lucious lido.

Subway on Sat night is filled with kids going from holllywood and higland to City walk. Loy's of bad trends..the eightes are coming back in ways I thought dead. But all in all it was fun and I got to Chloe's at a good clip.

After awkward apartemnt confusion..(where do you live in the building?) I found Chloe. She looks stunnning and was just as amazing as I remember. I met the new roomies and had fun talking about work and life. Eventually it was time to booze and grab smokes so down to Playboy we went. Chloe and I stooped onn the corner and swapped fun stories about boys, drama, men and mayhem.

Properly armed with Champaigne for the night, we reconvined to the bedroom and listened to music, read poetry and swapped stories. After we got our drink on we had a debate about whether or not to go to Goldfingers.

Goldfingers is the club across the street and a place that has seen random mayhem over the years. So off we went to visit with Chloe's friends who work there and to have a good time. We drank beers and met with new people to me, old friends to her. The club was jumping.

After a while I notcied a little hobbit perched on the wall. I beleive he is Merry in the films abut is better know as Dom in real life. Blonde, cute and just afox. I made the standrad drunk phones to other Hobbettes and then tried not to stare. After awhile Chjloe and I had another drink or two and met up with other friends of hers. By the end of the night we were playing around with the lifers at Goldfingers and enjoying oursleves. There was dancing and Elijah Wood and touchingb stars and Chloe getting her hand kissed. It was good LA times...

My Life is Not My own...

SO my lif is as the title says. I have realized that bewteen work, the play, and Super Bowl. I also now have several friends visiting and may not be able to make much time to see them. I guess it would help if I felt that I was doing things that I wanted to do. But I kind of don't.

It's not any one thing. I mean, the play is okay but I don't like it much. It is very "nice" and that's about it. I am worried as hell about Lucy's visit and how that wil go given our recent behavior towards ecah oither. With Macy and Resol it is fun and easy but I don't know how to do that. I mean, will I have time for them? I don't know. That and sleep is hard with this schedule so... I don't know. I have to believe that I will get things done the way I can.

Just like sign says...

So today I had one of those my life is glam days. I was walking from the store with a bootle of wine and a baguette of bread and just feeling so..black and white foregien movie. It's fun how far I get without having the same things as everyone els. Would certain things be easier? I don't know. But I love that I have a great park behind me, a cute neighborhood all around, that I can jump on the subway just be in the thick of things and yet I have a nice home.... It is like the South of France--they way it makes me feel.

And I have been quite brave and effective today. I called Cord and left a long message that was making a date--I think but for me that is a huge step. I'm bummed that I won't be hanging with Chloe but everything is so damn sunny otherwise. Ruby and I talked about the up-coming play and work is great so far. (Though I could kill Todd but whatever.) I get to do the things I want and lack for very little... I hope this isn't to upbeat but it is the way I feel today. Though I may be dead tomorrow with lack of sleep. Wish me luck....

Bringing Up the Boy...

So, in the grand new scheme of 2004 I am making admends and going for what I want. I have reopned talks with Cord. I wrote and met him a long time ago via an e-mail/writing thing, I really thought he was kewl but felt that I wasn't in the place to really meet with him yet. Mostly because of the weight gain from camp and having no job and the no car thing always weighs on me. But I have reopened the lines with him and am going to ride this out. Screw Kerry, that's not ever gonna work but I am going to try for Cord. Wish me luck out there!!!

It's Not the Size But the Motion.

Okay. So last night I had a strange thing happen. I was hanging out with Kelly and swapping gossip about parties and work and just catching up. This somehow lead to a discussion about how hot those damn hobbits are. (which if anyone knows Billy Bogg or if he is reading this...I love you.) This then lead to a discussion about how Kelly could never date them because they would be to short for her which then lead us to the internet.

Imagine our surprise when we found that the boys were 5ft7...not to shabby. But Kelly was really excited about this. I was confused when she said that she was only a n inch taller than them and thus they made the hieght requirement. (yes, I made the amusement ride joke...) But I was bothered because according to Kelly, she was about 5ft8. And she is a little taller than me which means that I am shorted than her.

This is confusing because, according to my liscene I am 5ft9. This was a blow to discuss that due to Kelly and the hobbits that I lost two inches last night. I fough with her about it and then we went out to dinner and Donnie proved it to me. He and I are the same height...5ft7. So then I had to go change my personal ads and other info. Though, now if I commit a crime then the police will be looking for 5ft9. But only, as Donnie said, if I leave my licsene behind. Bummers...

Better late than never

So.. Sorry that I have been missing my updates but working has come and taken over. It's funny, I am fine talking about it with anyone away from the office but when you put withing a couple of few I get all nervous and squirelly. It's just feeling like I'm not getting enough down but I had a realization last night. There are always going to be tapes going on and things to do because of the nature of the 24/7 fortmat. So I have decided to try and just go as far as I can without freaking out.

And Willis is a great boss and between him, Dax, Lizzie, Davis and a ton of BBro people working there... It's not like I 'm really at work at all because I'm with friends. SO that's kewl. And this job is giving me time to figurre out the entire what to do about TW thing. Anyways... Life is good and the hours are strange and I feel like a vampire but you know what... It IS fun......

Back to the working world!

Yeah!!!! I am back in the job market for at least the next 6 weeks. It so happends that Willis and Lizzie hooked me up with a logging job on their new FX show. So I will be watching a million hours of footage of Todd Tv. It is great and in Hollywood and is making me have to travel via a subway but that forces me to explore more. Tis big fun but let's hope the schedule doesn't scare me back into crazy sleepy non social life! Awesome news, eh? That and this will force me to see Chloe a little more and that is good fun! (not clean, fun.)

If It was Nasa It'd Be Gone By Now.

There other day I was up and running little erands around the house. I either had the television or radio on and was listening to a little debate about the purposed "Defense of Marriage" act. The guy was talking about how if this bill passed that his marriage probably won't last another year. That for the bill to work there would have to be standards that would have to be established and that he and his wife wouldn't make the cut.

Beside making me laugh, I had to think about what he said. After all, this bill is being used to try and prevent gay marriage becoming a reality. As a gay man, this issue effects me on some level--but it is also a fight that I haven't given much thught to. I guess I have my own views and problems with the act of marriage--my mother and most her family have been married multiple times and so I doubt the sincerity of the act. But I am for everyone having equal access to government benefits like shared property, next of kin in medical issues and shared child custody. That being said though, this bill raises an issue.

What is marriage really? It is a social act with fringe benefits or something that the government needs? I would argue that it is a social act--standing up in public to lay claim to someone else for life or whatever breaks them up. But if it is a government program and act then it should be held to the same criteria as other programs. And if you look it that way--then there;s a problem.

As a government adgenda and program that we are forced to examine the benefit of political intervention. If a bill is passed then it would have to have set guildlines not only for the act itself but what the purpose and outcome of this act is to be. Then we would have to create position with the political system to establish and monitor these guildlines. How do we determine these rules for something as abstract as love and relationships? It is an issue like regilion and also very connected to religon--something that we don't monitor outside of keeping it seperate from state.

And if we decide still to go forward with a government program for marriage then we would have to keep records and document the process and failures of it. That would point out the biggest problem with the entire bill. We would have to prove the value and importance of the act and government need to be involved.

We would be forced to aknowledge the fact that this is an act that has a close to 50% failure rate. That if we had any other governemnt program with that kind of failure we would be up in arms as to the taxes and efforts being put into it. That if Nasa or the Military had those type of numbers we would pull funding like that. The idea that are taxes are already being spent on the issue and that any outcome might require even more of this is useless, pointless, and just silly. But this is a question that will be brought into play as the government continues to play this out.

So I say, let the gays have marriage. It saves us alot of money, time and introspection that the American public may be surprised by at the end of the day. The government has no point being invloved in a social convention, which where marriage currently lies. That the churchs can choose to aknowledge gay marriage if they want but let us have the legal paperwork and benefits implied in the one act. It can be argued that we can set up the same rights through other means, creating more governement work, more money being spent and a waste of our taxes and the government's time. because if we continue down this road then we may open ourselves up to laws that none of us want and the actual realization of marriage's failures and problems. I say let it stand and let us all keep the hope and faith of this act about love and not the government's desire to tell any us of what is acceptable.

The Actor Studio Questions.

1) what is your favorite word? Tis, though I'm not sure why. Most likely too much Shakespeare.

2) what is your least favorite word? Mani/pedi/metrosexual. Why do we let "Sixteen" magazine create this terrible slag? I'm not crushing, in a sit. or having a mani/pedi... Use the full word!!!

3)What turns you on spiritually, emotionally, creatively? That perfect moment when the sky is blue, the breeze in my hair and the sun on my face. It cause to realize that there is always something right with the word.

The actor studio continued

4) what turns you off? Blind need. I guess because I run into this alot with relationships and some friendships. It's kind of like--will anyone do or do you want me here?

5)Favorite curse word? Bloody... It is easy to use, fun and can be used in public and around kids. All purpose.

6) Sound or noise you love? I love wind chimes, or the sound of leaves blowing aorund the ground.
7) Sound you hate? Cell phones. I guess this is a hang-up from working retail and people just answering them when you are trying to help them. They stop talking to you and you go help someone else and the phoner is pissed because you didn't wait for them to finish. Fuck you! Tis rude to answer the phone when talking with some one.
8) What profession beside yours would you love to attempt? High school guidance counsler.

9) What profession would you hate? I would hate to be the guy who cleans the backroom at LeSex Shop!

10) If Heaven exists, what would you like God to say when you are at the Pearly Gates? "Sorry about all the confusion. Come on in!"

LIKE A UPN SITCOM...

I blame my stupidity on my unemployment. I have reached the point where I look at so many random ads for work, some many cover letters, bad interviews that I think I finally stopped caring. I will apply for any job. Here's my resume.... Exotic dancer? Bonsai pruner? Priest? Here you go...

So, I assume that's what happened the other day. I got into the flow and kept faxing and e-mailing and giving up my resume like some type of office slut. But there has been an upside because I am much more likely to send my writing resume stuff around. Which lead me to apply to a couple of magazine/webzine/newspapers.....

So, you can imagine how excited to get a phone late the other night reagrding my writing samples and coming to interview for a magazine. So, of course, I went through all my past e-mails to figure which ad they were. Research is good for these type of things.

There was a cute singles magazine, a hippy-drippy website, and an urban webzine... I re-read the little ads....the singles was looking for internet dating stories--the hippy-drippy wanted hints about candles, tarot, incensense....the urban magazine was looking for pieces that reflect our hertiage and social history without negativity.... And that's when I realized that the Urban Minority magazine was for and about Blacks--and that I had applied for it, sending some of my "XY" (gay mag) pieces...

BUt the I realized that one of my samples refernced in a major way that I was white and so it could be that magazine that responded. Till I checked my e-mail and realized that I had some mail bounced back to me. From the singles magazine (they never got my resume) and the hippy-dippy were closing down the site for a bit. SO...

I called the urban magazine and talked with (I kid you not) Tyrone... Explained what happened and that I was confused and that I could come in if he wanted. He kind of laughed at me and said that maybe they could use a "token" and if I wanted to come in... I defered... All I could picture is an office out of BET and me slinking in... I'm telling--it is because of me that these stupid UPN sitcoms get made!

WHEN DID I BECOME A BODY PILLOW?

Okay. I am pissed! Really pissed! I have been holding back about this situtation with Kerry. Okay, he is a friend of my ex Enrique's ex roommate (and ex-boyfriend) M.F. I met him because M.F. thought that we would have fun. And since M.F. and I used to hook-up back in the day (and that we became friends too) I decided to trust his taste and meet up with Kerry.

And M.F. was right... Kerry is cute in a very Rory type of way... Glasses, a little chubby, pretty intense eyes. He was very shy when we met which caused major points with me. And so we began to talk and hang out. And yes, hook up one time.

This when things became intense. There was a lot of eye contact and kissing. More than usual. And I thought he was cool so I just figured I'd wait and see what would happen. So we would e-mail alot and talk on the phone every so often. And then his mother was coming to town and so we decided to hook-up before she came to town.

Imagine to my surprise, lying in bed afterwards and cuddling, finding out that he had a boyfriend. Who lived with. Who his mother loves. Say what you will about me but I don't play with other people's boyfriends. And I explained that if I knew his situtation that I wouldn't have let this go the way that it had. That I couldn't hook up with him anymore.

Kerry then told me about all the awful things that the boyfriend did (which M.F. confirmed) and how he wanted to leave him but he didn't know how too and that he didn't want to be alone and that he was scared. My mind glazed over after a certain point as I tried to remember if it was Erica Kane or Marlena Evans who had this conversation before starting a tawdy affair.

Then he turns the table and pulls out the "I'll leave my boyfriend for you" card. Which I thought came out kind of early for someone that he had been hooking up with and e-mailing. So I told him to back off and figure out his situtation. Then he hugged and said he wanted to sleep in my arms. ohmigod, i'm a human body pillow.

I wasn't drunk with the last post.... It's has been a little re-written.. Enjoy again...

It's Sad But There You Go...

The great new debate started with the usual suspects.... I was rehashing the couple of a parties, the hook-ups, the dramas and came to the conculsion that 2004 should be the year of the slut... (Or Yos for short...) It came from a mixture of my own behavior as well as several others (guess who) that maybe we should all take a year and be wild. I'm not talking blow jobs in parking lots or any having guy we see but that we should all be open to various relationships and not spend all our time and energy looking for the One...

I have always been a fan of this school of thought--that you should kiss all the boys, dance whenever and with whomever, that there are men and mayhem that need to happen before you find the One... I learned this from my mom. She married young and ended it quickly and threw herself into the paths of unsuitable men to some degree. That I should learn from her mistakes, that happiness and the right One come along after a hell of alot of searching. I'm not talking about one night stands (though they serve a purpose) or hook ups with the wrongs ones cause they're there but that maybe we should all relax and just enjoy the process...

And then I got smacked on my ass... It began with a Christmas present to myself. A movie that I really wanted to own and could buy with a check from the holidays... (Thanks Mom.) The film was "Beautiful Thing"; a great indy movie from the early 90's about a couple of working class gay guys and their relationship... It's funny, sweet, harsh and romantic all at once. One of the few things that can make me cry.

It started me thinking about my own views... I realized that maybe, just maybe, I do want romance. That all my talk is just a game and that maybe I do want flowers and magic and chemistry... That I want someone to light up when I walk in the room. That for all my bravo, I am just a scared person, afraid of love, afraid of the pain that it might bring. That it is ten times more brave to go into the world and believe that you deserve a nice slow dance, that maybe it would be nice to just settle for a kiss. For real dates, not booty calls or boys dropping by cause they are bored.

That I shouldn't settle for men who don't know what they want. That maybe I need to believe that I am first class, worth the effort of wooing, that I shouldn't just hide my emotions or go with the flow because it's easier than saying what I really want... That maybe I can have the wedding on the beach, the feeling of true intimacy and desire, that maybe my walls aren't me being a realist but of me being untrusting or unwilling to bend. I'm not talking about walks on the sand or poetry over a nice bottle of wine...that's something anyone can do. But of the feeling "I want you for you and you want me for me..." Not settling for what I can get but for waiting for what I deserve... Maybe it isn't the year of the slut, maybe it's the year of waiting for more than the same games... Not from them but from myself....

My Life is NOt My Own.

Okay. So I had a little freak out today and realized that my life is quite hectic. Bewteen the odd job hours and the lack of sleep during prime days I have realized that everyone and their brother will be in town for Super Bowl... Lucy is flying down from San Fran and will be hanging at the Casa Lido with Chloe, Rosel will be in town for the game and staying at Skylar's for the Super Bowl party and Willis's friend Macy is coming in from New York. On top of trying to figure out how to see all of them during two and a half days... Sunday is the opening of the play and so I am tied up in that.

And I was a little bummed about all of this because 1) I do not like the play--it is just nice....though the acting and direction is good it is just there. Hard to work myself for that. 2) Luch and Rosel don't really get along very much and so I don't know if I will be able to really see much of thme but I will try and do my best. I know that I will see Macy but Willis can't take much tgime of work so he might not see her and I have to try and force that issue. We'll see how that goes.

The other bummer is that Cord and I got our wires crossed and never met up for coffee this weekend. What is a bummer about this is that I really can't reschedule him anytime soon. And I just want to do this, meet up and get a lay of the land. But it won't happen I'm sure. This all happening with a lack of sleep is just a bad mix of sorts so... I don't know.

But I am excited to go and see Chloe tonight in Hollywood. I really want to hang with her before Lucy comes. Just so we can catch up and have a little fun. I'm sure we'll find big trouble... Who knows--maybe some cute boys!!LOL right.......

Happy New Year? Same old, same old....

So NY was more crazed than I thought and was given details the day after... It's nice to know that the more things change... And continuing that thought.... Skylar had dinner at his place the night of the 1st... I wasn't invited which is okay with me but it is akward because everyone who figured out that I wasn't coming kept saying that I was invited--that there was some mix up. Bt they were also given dishes to bring and I wasn't so... I wasn't planned to come. So I didn't though I showed up later at his place... And I had fun and enjoyed myself though I felt that certain people were pissed that I had stayed away.... If I have learned one thing from childhood is that it is NEVER worth going somewhere that you weren't invited too... You'll just feel uncomfortable and then upset on some level.

The thing that most anoyned me was that after the dinner party, as we were all leaving... There was discussion on what to do friday night... And people promised to call and let me know that was up. Now, I know this is stupid but I do feel a lot of the time that I go chasing after people to be included in things. This isn't all the times or stuff... I just feel that I often fall the cracks with my friends--things happen a lot that I am not included in. And that's okay...

The thing that I have a problem with is that, I don't have a really close friend out here... Lizzie has Kelly, Willis has his own things, Ruby has Heath and Candice....Eddie has her man... I have never had a truly close, stand alone friendship in this group with the exception of Irene... That is way things with the two of us went as long as they did--even with the problems. I was always the first person she told stuff to, the person that she called everyday, the person who let me vent and was just always there for me...

I guess how these two things tie together is... When the group doesn't call (or return my calls) I am left alone and I don't have someone to turn to... No one person that I can count on--as friend where I am important... I guess it's childish but... It is how I feel... This isn't to say that I don't love my friends but I also know where I fit... It's not bad, could just be better.....

New Years Eve... Happy 2004..... The party at the Super House was fun, all things considered though not without the usual issues, sickness and drama.... But I had fun and am able to write at the end of the night so.... good things...

I did get reflective as per the new years past... I just realized that there are certain things that I need to take control of... I guess I need to be honest and real with myself and that is the hardest thing to do sometimes....

The truth is--that my life needs to change. I mean, it's not bad or poor or anything. I have a great large group of friends and always have an ear or person to talk with... But the truth is that I don't live the life that I want more often than not. I get caught up in the drama of others and that only masks my own lack of life....

If I was truthfull, honest 100 percent then there are grand changes i need to make. I just worry so muc about the things that I would lose to get them. So instead, I talk myself out of things...guys who I could date and have relationships with. Reasons not to write or try harder with the leads I have had. Instead I hide from these things because it isn easier. My life before college, before thses friends was so different. And the lack of certain goals or events or truths makes it hard for me to believe that they can happen.

I don't believ in love or sucess or a million other things so I don't pursue them because what is the point? Instead I build up walls, build up grand designs tohide from all that I could have. And now I have to either accept that or make motions to break them. It's a scary thought but a step I have to make for myself and no one else can make that happen....

The Post-Holiday Begins....

YOu can tell that it's the end of the holidays when you get back to the usual things... Went food shopping and managed to stock up on only healthy foods.. Let's see how long this lasts and whether it has any effects on chubby Rory, eh? I also managed to clean the apartment up just in time for Mac to come home and not realize that I have been pigging out and wearing pjs for the last week. Though I do have to go to Ieka soon...the two lamps in the living rom died... What are the chances?! Still have a holiday e-mail to send and thank-yous to write and small gifts to give but that's all easy stuff...

But before I write off the entire season...along comes New Years.... New Years is my favorite of all holidays, mostly because it involves cute outfits, heavy drinking, dancing and a little reflection... It was also the only holiday that my parents could mess up as a child... There were always parties and people just chill and no fighting about where to go, who's family to see and all that drama. I have already picked out the outfit....made a game plan of events and am eager to catch up with everyone after their holiday travels..... I have a few resolutions for the new year and things to plan...

Hopefully you all have had a great time this past season and will continue to enjoy yourselves for at least the next couple of months....

Christmas Day and everything is fun..... Had a good phone talk with both Mom and Dad... Which was kind of interesting and different for me at least... Mom gave me some good gifts and even made me laugh.... She sent me pictures of her and Meggie from Halloween and I cracked up... They dressed as Winnine the Pooh and a Honey pot.... LOL Well worth the wait...

The day itself was fine with the exception of some drama... Lizzy and Willis fighting... Tension at Cissy's dinner for a little bit... But we all got over it and had fun... And as I said to Willis--"what's a holiday without drama anyways?" Food was great and everyone was really chilling after the meal... Cissy gave me a cute brown striped poor boy's hat... It is nice and cool looking...

So, the holiday was fun and entertaining and good all around. I hope you all had as much fun as I did....

Merry Christmas....

Just back from Lizzy's place where wildness reins... Christmas Eve brunch lasted all day and had tons of people and tons of fun... Willis, Dack, Bess, Mickey, Regine, Natalie.... We all drank, ate tons of food, watched movies, and talked about everything... I now know too much about the sex lives of ton of my friends but it was wild and crazy and the perfect way to forget that we weren't with our families... I did leave for a bit for something a little racy and learned that I can be surprised and became the "other woman" for the first time ever... LOL. Merry freaking christmas rory....

The best thing about the whole day was getting to know people like Mickey and Dack.. Learned a new drinking game as well... Good times.... I hope that today is just as fun... I also got the best presnt from Kelly and Lizzy... Towels for the new bathroom design... Awesome!

Every twist of the kaleidoscope...

So Saturday was the misfit christams dinner at the boys house.... Just the few of us that were still around or staying in LA during the holiday... Me, Lizzie, Kelly, Jonesy, Benji, Penn, Nick, Priscilla, Ronn and Cissy and a few other people....

It started off in a weird way--I called Lizzy and Kelly early in the afternoon, just having got out of the shower but waiting a time table for the day.. To my surprise, Lizzie today me that Kelly was going to the house early... So I ran and got dressed without even thinking about the chances of who would be there...

So we showed up at the house and it is just Nick and Priscilla, having breakfast... This was weird because of not only my tension with Nick but because of Priscilla.... She was one of Edie and mine's roommates and was just an odd living situtation... I didn't know her well but was always able to have a nice fun conversation with her and Edie was good friends with her... And then she moved in with us and was quite and kind of rude and never really said a word to either of us. It was akward because we both really liked her but she was so strange to live with.... Then when Benji and Lizzie broke up, Priscilla started dating Benji very shortly afterward which startled all of us.... The entire "don't date your friends exes" thing

Imagine me and Kelly just hanging with these two.. But it gets better... Kelly starts cooking (which I suck at) and has plenty of stuff to do while I just kind of stand there looking all types of stupid... And Nick and Priscilla weren't really happy to have us there considering they had stuff to do... I offered to help set up the tables and clean and they wouldn't let me. Me just standing there....

Then Kelly realized she had to go to the store and get more supplies while Priscilla went and hid in her room. So just me and Nick hanging in the kitchen... And then the X-mas suprise... Nick and I were not only able to talk but had a fun coinversation... Nothing to deep or anything--mostly about Edie and her travels and other random things... It was nice and kewl and I was happy that there was no tension...

And that vibe continued the rest of the night.... And I ended up cooking... I know, I know... I made gravy and helped with the dressing and did great. Nothing burned or got sick... And the group had fun and ate their fill... We all got along and interesting conversations and all that stuff. Cissy's friend Regine asked me if I would be interested in meeting her brother... He's older and jewish (I think) but I'm thinking about it... Though I wonder if it's rude to ask to see him first... But that aside... Life was fun!!! And now I can't wait for New Year's at the boys house.....

Holiday hum-drums....

So I had one of those days... Just really sad and weird and very borderline teary... These bouts don't strike me very often but when they hit it is hard to stick my pieces together... I don't know if they are tiggered by the holidays or some random combination of events but... When they hit, I just can't seem to work my way out of them and either drop out of social events and hide or force myself through the everyday things I have to do...

I know that some people might call this depression but I prefer to think out it as Melencohly... Kind of like a Jane Austen character... Just strike random piano keys in a deserted drawing room and pining for something that I cannot find words for... And it just feels like a wind blowing through everything and makes it hard to think of anything except all the suffering in the world... God, I'm depressing on a world wide web...

Okay... So just when I thought it was safe to socialize.... The return of Nick... I went to Kelly and Lizzie's for cookies, Christmas trees and lattaks... Imagine to my surprise when Nick showed up--he never comes to our parties--but then hey, he was getting a present and stuff.... SO the whole time I tried to avoid him because I wasn''t feeling up to trying to talk and getting shot down....

He briefly joined Davis and me on the porch as we smoked and it was quite awkward, mostly cause I had gone outside to avoid this. So, momments of silence then a brief talk about Ginn and then off he went inside.

The rest of the evening was fun and then he left to go to work/bed. As he was leaving he had no chocie but to talk to me.... After all he asid good-bye to everyone in the room and it would have been bad form to leave me out. So, as he says bye/happy holidays, I look at him and smile and say "I'll see you on Saturday at the dinner, right?" He was startled, I was nice and now I have to figure out whether or not we are talking or if I'll have to avoid him at the dinner. Small groups make this hard but I have hope....LOL

So tonight was the annual Christmas fun at Cissy and Ron's house.... The usual mix of people that you don't see the rest of the year for whatever reason... Light gossip and phone calls from those out of town but still in our thoughts... I managed to not only hang out with Satin... But to have fun with Stacy, Tyg's girlfriend. He and I had a long talk about the birthday fiasco and how it was kind oif messed up... But all is good with a lot of hugs and even some tears. And there wasn't the Kelly/Tyg tension from last year so....

But of course, there was the Nick tension. I don't know how much I have really written about him but here's the low down.... Nick was been a part of our group of friends for years and I have spent time with him off and on during them. He's a funny, life of the party type guy. He reminds me alot of Edie with his adventerous personality. I always wanted to be friends with him more than just part of the group but he also is quite vocal about who deos and doesn't like and so that kind of kept me away from him...

About two years ago, there was a lot of guessing about his sexuality and some thing I was always asked about. I never really thought much about it--I didn't know him very well and everyone's reasoning for the questions was kind of odd. Just because someone doesn't date alot or isn't verbal about their crushes does not a homosexual make. Then there was the night when things got strange... A group of us went to a bar for a birthday and there was a lot of drinking and carousing and well... Nicky porceeded to hit on Edie, Lizzie, Kelly... Kind of sleazy yet joking and I made fun of him... His response was to look at me (straight in th eyes) ask whether I was "jealous" and I shouldn't be...there was plenty of him to go around. It was quite odd and something that I still was thinking about later that night...

Well, low and behold, a couple of months later Nick came out. This was an odd event and one that I felt strange in being apart of... He told most of the girls and me that night and it was rather intense but I was proud of him... (if not abit confused....) Later that night, I left him a note on his door before leaving, offering myself as a sounding board if he needed one--this group can be kind of hard at times and one of the people he had yet to come out was someone I had a hard time coming out too...

This is where trouble entered the stage.... We went out a few times by ourselves and just talked about things. There was no subtext, no lingering looks but just two people talking and becoming friends. We did keep it on the downlow because of how people talk but it was just talk and nothing more. And then I opened my big mouth... I realize that he and I had a lot in common, that we wanted some of the same things... I mused outloud to couple of people that I was a little attrached to him but BUT it was not something that was going to happen. Mostly cause he had just came out of the closet and needed to deal not only with telling people but to go off and party and experiement. Not to have a instant boyfriend...

Of course, I should have know better than to say this out loud but... Needless to say, word got back to him and then suddenly we weren't friends so much as I was the guy with crush, eating my heart while all he wanted was support... And it became tense and weird... So after awhile of all of this, I decided to stand up for myself and managed to do this on New Years, at a party, while drinking (I know, I Know...) Well the talk went wwlll and we managed to clear up alot of things.... Unfortunatly I should have left when the going was good but instead...we hooked up...

Not only was this a stupid thing to do, but one of us didn't even remember the next day... And then began the pattern of "I can't talk to him cause he thinks I want him" verus the "Ohmigod we hooked up and I know he likes me and I don't wanna lead him on..." So, times we talk like to funcationing adults but the rest of the time we are idiots without the way to say hi because no one wants to do it first and neither knows how the other will react....

And of course, this dance continued into the party... I feel bad because I want to still (for whatever reason) be his friend. It would be nice to have another gay guy to talk to in this group, to go out and hit the town with, to set up with other friends I have... But it will never really happen because of one mistake. And that's what makes it sad....(yikes, I'm drunk...)

The Ghosts of Realtionships past....

So, Charity called me today and asked me to go with her to the Pier One Christmas party... This did give me pause to think, what with Vera back at the store and the large possibilty that she might bring Enrique....

Okay, Enrique was last serious boyfriend in LA and the reason that I quit Pier One among other things. It was the first break up where I felt like the only adult thing to do was to leave... That even though I was in love with the guy that I couldn't stay with someone with whom things were destined not to work out.... I saw more potenial than product with him... I wanted a guy who might wanna do the ceremony on the beach in front of our families, adopt a few kids from overseas maybe.....

Unfortunately, he wanted a guy who had no problems with threesomes, long times apart and no close firends to get in the way.... So, even though we both cried (alot) it was decided that breaking up was the best thing to do... It was all very civil and well managed except for a couple of things...

After spending two days begging me to come back he finally called me late one night just to talk as friends... He then proceeded to tell me about the hot guy at work that he always liked had asked him out on a date and that he was going the next day... I didn't take this well and proceeded to be pissed off though I didn't say much about it at the time... After a couple days of avoiding him and his phone calls, I decided to call Vera to talk.

Vera and I had been fast friends at the store and were even closer when I started to date Enrique. He worked for the company too, with us briefly and then at another location. But when things got bad, she always said we would all stay friends... This turned out not to be the case at all--leading to her lying about Enrique being at her house the night I called and picking up another line to listen in. I was pouring my heart out to her when he breaks in with "hey you wanted to do this...." Needless to say I was pissed and embrassed by the whole fiasco and didn't speak to him or her for about six months.

It wasn't till I found out that he was moving to Saleanas (Near SF) that I decided to call him up to talk. I was better off than I had been in months. At a fun new job and distarcting myself with all that entalied. We went out, had dinner, shopped and then hooked for ex-sex... We promised to keep talking but it didn't really happen.

Well, later on I found out from Mickey (his other ex, former roomate and guy that I was kind of sleeping with.... I know, I know) that Enrique had been flipped out about that night and had been telling people like him and Vera that maybe he made a mistake and should have done something more to keep me with him. I was startled by this and kind of touched in that bad Aaron Spelling drama type of way....

And now he is back in LA. I have known this for awhile and have been in several sitatutions where I have almost run into him. And he lives with Vera, works for a different company but still knows all the gang at Pier One and so there was a huge chance that I would run into him.

But I didn't and the reason that he didn't come was simple... Vera told me after a couple hours of drinking (this girl would give you her pin, social and credit cards after a couple) that he couldn't face him because he didn't know what he would do if I was in his life.... That he still wanted me and that it was too much pressure for him...

I guess this should have made me happy but at the end of the day--it is just sad. Mostly because we will run into each sooner than later and something will have to be decided. I mean, I just want him as a friend....maybe hook up...but not as a relationship. And as I try to reconnect with people like Vera his ghost will be in the way. Just because no one what will happen when we do see each other. And I don't even know myself.... I just want to get it out of the way.

So today was the last of the clothing fundraiser... Billie and I went to several different stores with 7 bags of clothes... We did mange to raise about 60 dollars and donated the rest to charity. It is slightly disturbing how little we have been able to raise but it was for a good cause... It is also disturbing that there will be a possible homeless person wearing two season's old Diesel shirts... But we had fun and it felt good to do somethingh worth while with my free time. I guess that is the point eh?

So, once again.... I managed to fuck up. Not sure what will happen with this yet but am prepared for war... Packing buckshot... Lol.

Started fine enough, Kise and I decided at last nights PADWAD meeting to hang out today... I'm going to help shop for Christmas presents and stuff.... Sounded fun and got me out of the house for a bit and so.... Off we were, to Target and Tilly's and other random stores.... We had alot of fun just hanging out and doing stuff... Something that I haven't done much with her. Kise is one of those people who you can tell wants to be your friend and hang out and stuff. It's a little heady at times, the admiration but also quite intimadating....

So, we were on our way back and stopped of to get some drugs from the market and somehow PADWAD came up... And I guess I was tired or something but suddenly I was spouting off about all these concerns I had about the group and our progress and porjects. I basically said some stuff like how I have problems working with Ruby and that we were too attached to the tragic-light film and how I felt the group wasn't a strong avenue for encouraging our seprate arts... Kise, of course, was a little freaked out and hurt and felt I was stressing too much and stated that maybe I needed not to come to meetings if I felt this way....

I do love the meetings, the work and the artistic roundtable the group allows for us. I was just tired and a little frustrated and I now I've opened the mouth too much. Because I did go off on Ruby among other things and now I'm worried that Kise will tell her what happened. She won't do it to be mean but to try and fix the problems. Which are hardly there and not to the extent that I made it sound.

So now I'm just waiting for a phone call and to be busted. But maybe I am overthinking this too. I tend to do that.

Okay...so Irene's friend asked me this question the other night when we at some party. THE QUESTION. If you're single then you know it. The one that well meaning relatives ask at holidays, new co-workers broach it over drinks, a friend of a friend might ask.... (if you know this then say it with me...)

So, are you seeing someone?

I never know quite how to answer this question... (Outside of the sarcastic... "Oh shit, no, thanks for reminding me.... I was going to and then I got busy...) For some people this is a rough question. Throws them into a pit of self-doubt, double guessing, wondering...why aren't I? But for me, to be honest, it doesn't ring any bells... Set off any alarms.

The thing is... I know that I'm not in the place to be in a relationship. And I don't know how to explain that to others... That feeling of I'm not ready... I don't want it right now. That I'm not lonely, that I'm not afraid that time is running out. That I'm not missing anything. That I'm happy enough to work on who I am. That being alone is better than being in a relationship and wondering.... How did I get here... I don't know if this is normal... Not many people talk about this stuff, about how maybe being with someone else isn't the right choice. But I think sometimes it is. It is okay to work on being your own best date. That sometimes being in a relationship only hides one from the things they need to do to better ones self.... I'd rather wait then play act in a relationship that I'm not ready for....

"So if you not ready for love you should stay single?"
"Why not? If nobody ever got married or had children unless they were really in love, don't you think it would clean up a lot of the mess around here?"
"Miami?"
"Life."
"But then so many people would be alone."
"Is that such a terrible thing? I remember the first time I was lying in bed alone and feeling sorry for myself and I said, Wake up, Iris. Wake up. How many times have you been in bed with someone who was making you feel bad? Unconfident, unloved, or constantly having to hustle to deserve to be loved. Or being cheated on. And I thought, this is definitely better than any of those real-life situations. I was just trying to con myself into a remembering romantic situations that, in fact, hardly ever existed. No. If I can't go first class I don't want to go at all. And it's me, if I'm being honest, who knows what first class is."
"No accommodations. Is that it?"
"Oh, I can accommodate a lot. I can handle a missing limb. Or someone who's not brilliant. Or not a great money-maker. Those things are not problems. I might very well fall in love with someone in any of those categories. What I don't want to do is fall in love with someone I don't really know. Someone I've given a personality to, and later I find out they're someone completely different. And I'm fucked, in more ways than one. Life goes on, Glen. Life goes on. I don't want to waste any time giving really heavy emotion to someone who doesn't get it. Doesn't appreciate it. Doesn't even know what I'm feeling. Does that make sense?"

"My Worst Date." by David Leddick.

I'm an asshole tonight.... Wasn't really the plan or anything but I did fuck up and there is little I can do to fix. Tonight is Tyg's 30th birthday and I'm not there. If you don't know who he is.... Tyg used to date Kelly date a coypole years ago--they were hot and heavy and stuff and they then they broke up after living togther among others things. The situtation was poorly handed by all sides and a lot of friendships were lost bewteen her and his friends.... But he and I managed to stay close...

He's one of the few guys that I have ever been good friends with... He's just kind and very open and once he is your firend--that's it. Nothing that he won't do for you, no place he won't be be.... It's hard to see that sometimes because of Tygf's rough extrior but he is just one of those people who really loves his friends and considers them family... No questions asked....

And here I am, not at his party..... I didn't plan it this way... I just kind of figured I could go down to Torrance with Donnie or Sklyar or something. I had actually made noises about wanting to go to Davis at Thanksgiving and so I just figured I would end up there. How I was I to know that.... Last minute everyone would go together... In one car so that if the party (in Skylar's words....) "was lame then they could go get milk shakes....." (Okay. That was bitchy. But...) And now I feel like a heel and Tyg's new girlfriend already hates me... Just another nail in that coffee.... I don't even know how to make up for this.... any advice?

Sorry I missed a day but life has a strange way of sneak attacking when you least expect it.... When on a great job interview yesterday for a clothing resale boutique... I really want this job for many reason but mostly because it seems like it would be fun, creative and kewl and a challenge as well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed while I wait this one out. Then my "friend" Mickey came over and had a great time.... I have definately missed sex during my sickness and made up for lost time.... He's quite fun in bed and the type of guy I would totally like if I met while out and about. And today was great for me writing wise as well. I have a PADWAD meeting tonight with Ruby and Kise and I am excited. I just wrote about 30 pages of work and am quite happy with my talents as of late. Hopefully I can keep up the good work. Well... that's about it... Tomorrow Billie and I have to sort clothing and start a plan for the resale fundraiser. Hopefully it will go well. Wish us luck....

So a funny thing happened tonight.... Skylar and Thomas had a little dinner/get together at their apartment and it was fun.... The same crowd at Thanksgiving with some changes and I was able to have a good time the whole night long. The high point was when I realized that Benji had revealed Jonsey's secrt to the party and I had the oppurtunity to rub that fact in Skylar's face. Not in a mean way but I did make an effort to point that I wasn't the one who spilled the secert. Outside of that, I had a great time.... Though there was a depressing element

I found out from Jac's dad that the Right Wing Webpage does have the right to post the pieces of my article... SO I am allowed to be the spoke person for the religious right. Well, any work is good work right? And my name is ouit there.....

Thanksgiving came and went with the usual fanfare and even more usual suspects--except Kelly, first time to the misfit meal. As always there was great food, fun times and a lot of televised sporting events... Things of note that happened included Kelly and Bess getting drunk, mildly in Kelly's case and not so mild in Bess. However, I couldn not drink because of the meds but had a grand time with Bess and dancing wildly in the yard to the neighbors party--the boys house was very low key this year and little music... That being said, it was fun and wild to enjoy someone else's drunken spree.... Though I don't think Mick (her fiance) was quite as pleased at the end of the evening....

Another fun development was that Jonesy was out of town on a "special road trip". I didn't think much of this and figured it was either a girl or some strange geeky comic/film thing that wouldn't really impress me. Well, when Kelly, Lizzy, and I were having a little nap time Skylar came in and made some mention of the trip. Kelly was curious and Skylar allowed us to guess about what it was and gave yes/no answers.... After awhile, and bewtten the three of us, we figured out what it was and Skylar gave us a stern lecture about not spilling the beans. In particluar, he attacked me and said to keep my mouth shut about it. Lizzy and Kelly both laughed and argeed that I was the gossip. They all seemed to miss the fact that Skylar himself had spilt the beans and that he would be the one to blame if any of us spilt the secert. That, and I didn't think that Jonesy's thing would be coming up in my life anytime soon. We're not close and he's not on the front page of people I even would bother to talk about.

And what would Thanksgiving be without me fucking up? I was taking with the smokers outside and somehow the topic of Mac (the new roommate) came up. Kelly asked what she was doing and I said that she and Billie (the x-roomie) were at the apartment, making cakes and pigging out to bad movies. Well, Willis (Billie's ex) was there and he got pissed that Billie was even brought up... Needless to say, he left early and I felt like crap.... So per the norm, I managed to ruin someone's thanksgiving...

Every year I make the joke about not going home cause the holidays are to dysfunctional.... Well they are here too... I guess this group of friends is like a misfit family--filled with love and spite and jealously and kindess.... There's always the unexpected hand to help and the well meaning momenet gone awary. So if people do ask if I'm spending the holidays with my family the answere is yes, my hand-picked one. The one with faults and dreams and a million wonderful things....

I am a mouth piece of the religious right... I found this out the other day when, a little bored and curious, I typed my name into the AOL search engine. Imagine to my surprise when I saw a webpage quoting one of my pieces from XY. Intrigued, I visited the website and discovered that they were using excerpts of my column to prove that gays are sad, unhappy and bitter litttle creatures.... Well, after a good laugh because come on.... it is a little ironic.... I decided to see what I could do about getting myself pulled off of said webpage. Needless to say, it apprears to be a daunting task and one that I might not be able to pull off. There is a question of ownership of my piece, copyrioght, as well as several other problems with said situtation. Of course, now I am even more upset and ready to rumble and I am about to release some serious whoop-ass on some unsuspecting preacher and his wife..... The best part is this preacher is a "former" homosexual but I had to wonder--what the hell is he doing reading XY anyway? Hmm.... I really wish they had taught a class back at Emerson about copyright and one's intellencual properties.... Okay... Well, I guess I keep you all abreast of my current sitatuation..... and before I forget....


HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL. MAY YOU AND ALL WHO LOVE YOU BE BLESSED BY THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT.... (gobble, gobble....)

Just when life seems doomed to keep me down--along comes a surpirise that makes me stop and think.... Maybe I should believe in things more... So, during my recent bout of sickness I also had a panic attack. Mostly cuased by my lovely Mother... I know she meant well but when one's child can barely stop for more than a half an hour--one might think that this is not the time to call them with job postings.... As it is, I have been paniced of awhile now about my jobless situtation as have been a small core of my friends as such and part of the reason I did wait on the doctor thing was the realization that I had no insurence, no job and that the medical bills were the last thing I needed added to my plate.... But sometimes the body shuts down and one is left with no recourse...

Trying to be some type of productive after the nphone ncall with Mom, I dcided to check my pain thershold by walking to my mail box and getting some bills, junk mail and hopefully a good magazine to read while bed prone. Imagine to my surprise when I open a letter that has a check for me in it..... One from a website that I had been trying to use to get some free lance work... I had posting a couple of differnt pieces that I had, hopefully so that some editor would get a sense of my style and want to order me to whip something up.

Well, turns out that the Gay/Lesbian/Everyone else newspaper 365gay.com had bought and published one of my piece a couple of weeks ago. This was the first time I had been paid for something I wrote.... (those it was really only enough for a subway sub, a pack of smokes and a diet coke....) And it was just the boast I needed to reconfirm what I had all ready been thinking... Which was that I am a good writing and talenetd or at least lucky... Look out world, here comes Rory "Bradshaw" Lapointe. Just goes to prove that I should trsut in things a little more.....

Sorry it has ben so lon since I wrote... Just that last Wedensday I woke up and couldn't move... Uh-huh... No possible body movement. Turns out that the big bad sickness was just what I thought it was, a nasty virual infection in my intesties that caused them to swell... So it was pushing around everything else inside and making walking up right (one of the few things that seperates us from aniamlas and babies) extermly painful.

So after a long internal debate about who to call to take me to the emergency room... (when you don't have health insurence it just seems rather stupid to call for an ambluence when you won't ever be able to pay that cost) I randomly called my friend Charity to see if she was around. Turns out she was up the street hanging out at my old job and stuff. Taking this as a sign, I managed to get out what was going on and she was upset that I had waited to even ask her for help. We then spent six hours in the emergency room, during which time I blacked out once, got really crabby several times and the rest I don't remember. I then proceeded to get examed by a man older than my grandfather, who had a habit of questioning my answers to his questions. "When was the last time you were in a foreign country? Years ago.... Are you sure? Yes... Well, have you had sex with any recent immagrents recently? No, I have had sex recently... Are you sure? Yes.....) This conversation went on for about 45 minutes then I finally got some perscriptions and got out of Dodge....

Then Charity and I did the hunt for drugs and pay full price cause of no insurnce... Needless to say, my next job will have some type of benefits and I will take them.... But after a couple of vicadin and comfort food.... I did start to feel a littlke better... Though it did take me till today, four days later, to be able to sit up right long enough to write this all down.... So, I guess I'm better now... Can walk across the apartment without crying out at all... And that is a major improvement. Just in case you wanted to know.

So Skylar and Penn have a big shiny agent..... Found this out last night at Kelly and Lizzy's Monday Night Madness.... Now before anyone assumes that I have sour grapes about this new deveolpemnt.... I don't. I guess my problem is in how the whole event was handled. They made the announcement in a big way, champaigne toast and all. The room cheered them on, a slight speech was made... And this pissed me off....

I guess it is mostly because in my group of friends there is a pecking order of sorts, a line-up to popluarity, who gets supported and who doesn't. If Skylar has a screening then we all to be there but no one buys or even borrow's a magzine if someone's been published. It's just that the first time I was published nationally, in a sizable magazine, no body bottered to pick it up and only a handful even read it. I am sure of this and each time it has happened since then, the reaction has been similar. I don't want to make a whole lot of noise but it is a big deal that I did those things--had that level of success... All on my own, people writing me to say how it touched them and most of my friends can't be bothered.

And it hurts. To feel that one's art is as an important as anothers. That people just don't care, or can't be bothered to put in some effort. I think what I did was hard, important and special..... All I ask is that my friends respect that. And I do know that on some level they do but.... (It has also occured to me that the boys showed up with the champaigne, chose to make the huge effort... And then I'm the drama queen....the one who tries to hard.... go figure...)

I guess the upside is that this iccident has fueled the fire, the "bring it on" sentiment within myself.... I am a better writer, I already have done more and now I will get back into the game full time. I will be bigger than they can even dare to hope to be... So I guess it is on!!!!

Okay...sorry it has been awhile since I wrote but all the time has brought much more interesting things for me to write about... First of all.... I am sick and have been since last Thursday... And we're not talking run of the mill, grab-some-hankies-and-some-nyquil-and-stop-bitching-sick but the whole-go-to-the-doctor-after-looking-up-symptoms-on-the-internet-sick... Of course, the only funny thing about the entire sernario is that I don't get sick often but when I do, it is bad... (I have only been sick once in LA....that required anything like drugs or sleep..)

I will be honest and say that I am terrified... That what had started as a simple fever with nothing else going on...it was taken huge steps towards becoming big and nasty and I am scared of it.... I am doing my guy thing by not making the next step....because I feel slightly better though the major symptons haven't gone away and the longer I wait to see a doctor....the worse the possible treatment... (we taking surgery.....) And the best of all of this is why I am not being active.... Frankly, I am more scared of the debt I will occure if this is the big baddie it seems then of the actual sickness....

And this is crazy...it is because I have no health care, no benefits and even in my best jobs.... Th benefits were either so expensive compared to the coverage you got or so restricted.....interms of wHAt you were allowed to be covered for.... And this has started me thinking about there is a huge number of people out there with no medical insurance, people my age, friends of mine.. Just going about and living their lives and , on some level, hoping and praying that they don't get sick, or in an accident, or need anything major from a doctor.... And there are most likely people like me, who know their sick, that something is wrong, but don't go to the doctor because they are scared of how are they going to pay? Especially when it is so expensive for certain things.... And they let things go till finally something has got to give.... And it is usually their health.....

Not that I am going to do that.... Nope... NOt me....

Sorry it has been so long since the last post--and that it was rather boring too.... Have had a stressfull couple of days when it was felt as though I have been conspired against.... There was another (I know...another!!!) mistake with my unemployment and they were refusing to give me a check.. They claimed that because I had checked off the wrong box that I wasn't really working for a mjob... All this even though they called two of the places I interviewed when I went to that stupid meeting in Canoga PArk.... Well, I was upset, hyperventilated for a bit and then got down to brass tacks and forced them to cut me a check... Nonetheless, this was really annoying and not the way to start one's week....
And if that wasn't enough... I wnet to the Pier and visited Vera.... It wasn't my intention but just so happened she was there when I stopped by. It was a little strange and stuff but what can you do? I think she thinks that I just want to use her to see Enrique which isn't really true though it would be a nice side deveoplment. It lend to an inner debate as to why do I create situtations if there is no good outcome. (this does not mean that I'm doing them for the wrong reasons....just that nbothing is really going to change all that much...) Is to make up for a lack of excitement? Maybe, though I'm not that bored with things as of late... Or am I? Hmm.... I just need to get things moving agin and that will happpen soon enough.... I have a plan..... (cue swelling organ music..)

Joni's B-day party last night ended up being more fun than I thought it would be. It was hard, forcing myself to go consider how much I find her lacking at points but she was great fun last night.... And a lot of random people were there--Irene and her hollywood friends, Grant, Kelly, Willis, Benji.... Everyone got along and it was interesting just for that reason... Hmmm....

So went out with Charity tonight for dinner... She's a great friend and always a good time... I told her about the San Fran move and she seemed to respect it.. It was nice to have somebody who seemed to support me....

It was good... ANd in an interesting twist, well, just found out that Vera is working back at Pier One imports in Studio city... This is a fun development because she is not only living with Enrique (the ex who never should have been around as long as he) but because she had I have unfinished business... See, when Enrique and I broke up she picked sides, even though it was a mutal thing, even though I was friends with her first.... And of course, I want to see Enrique cause he and I have unfinished business... We were supposed to be friends but that didn't seem to happen. His ex-roomie/boyfriend told me it was because he was still in love with me..... Nice eh? So now the potenial for drama is there and who am I not to take the ball and run with it?

It is strange when you realize that the world sometimes is in your place and makes you wonder if that is the big Cosmic sign... I have been reading my friend Chloe's blog and for some strange reason...she and I are in synch without having even really talked in the last couple months... Our friendship on some level has always worked this way--being in the same space at the same time with little to no communication. Makes you wonder about soul mates or bodhisattvas... A hindu idea of a soul spilt in two and destined to reconnect...

And my friendship with Chloe has always been like this, same thoughts, same dreams, so hope and always finding something the same in each other. I still remeber exactly the first time we met... It was at a pool party at Naomi's first apartment, a welcome to La bash for newbie Emerson kids taking their first steps into the land of sun and internships. She found me by the water's edge, smoking a cigarette and drinking some scary, girlie, mixed drink.

"Lucy said I should look you up when I get to La...." The first thing she said to me. So brazen and ballsy. Like she new we were gonna be friends and that she was just jumping over the introduction hurdle... And we did just that.... In the course of an afternoon we talked nd laughed and smoked and drank and whether or not we were friends then, I knew she would be important... And she was, is, and most likely will continue to be. Even if there is space bewteen us at times....

And now she's planning to run away, up the coast, near Lucy and City Lights and the Power Arcade and millions things that I want too and I can't help but believe.... Is this that sign I have been waiting for? Maybe it is...but only Chloe would know that for sure I guess.. And now is just prep time for everything I have every wanted..... And it is good to be prepared.....?

Okay...

So I have been a little MIA the last couple of days.. The truth is that I have been trying to work out certain issues in myn own head before posting them to the world at large... Monday night I was terribly upset, on the verge of crying type of mood and helpless to change it. For all of my "it was fate" feelings about the TLA interview, I was upset that I wasn't able to do it... Especially since an hour after I got home it was bright and shiny outside and warm and just taunting me.

So as I crept in my bad mood place I decided to face certain facts. The number one is I NEED TO LEAVE LA! Not that I don't love it here and all of my friends and the weather and my beatiful cheap apartemnt and a million other things but... LA is not working out for me, it is not a place where I can have any of things that I truly want career wise, love life wise, or certain other things.

Part of me is able to act like certain things don't affect my life in Los Angeles... The not-having-a-car-thing is a much bigger thing than I ever let own. That by not having transportation I do have a harder time getting solid work, and I don't get great pay with any of the local jobs that I have taken, and instead of moving up finanically as I get older.... I'm stuck in the same place and feel trapped by certain elements of my life.

The other part of the anti-LA thing is... I want to go back to school and (car thing again) I can't seem to figure out a way to do that in La. I would love to go to San Fran, a state school, and get my degree in child developement and the child pyschology and I just think that I could do a better job of that in San Francisico where things are so dependant on cars, better pblic transportation....

The last reason is the hardest to write.... I have to find my own way, my own life away from where I am at now.... I live my life for these people, have given up certain elemants of myself, have always played the martyr, the who just nods his head and agrees to the statis quo. And this is not their fault, and I don't want anyone to read it that way... It's just I have to find who I am and that's not something I can do here.... That going home last time made me realize that I have changed alot and not in good ways--that I always knew that I wanted to do certain things and I have been hiding behind fear, mistrust and convience... And it is time to stop that. SO...

who knows....I'm working on me and it may take awhile... Why can't things be easy eh?

Fate & whatever....
SO Today I was supposed to go to the second interview with TLA--the place I was at on Thursday... I have been hemming and hawing about this job thing because it is not something that I thought I would want to do... It's sport advertising, 60 plus hours, for 6.75 an hour.... It would be different if this jon would have served some major purpose career-wise but.... I was really torn as what to do....

Then fate entered the picture.... It was raining kind of hard when I woke up, and since it was a walk to the interview--about an hour and a half.... I debated not going on in.... Then I decided that I should get ready and then if the rain has let up, I would just throw on a rain coat and go... Just give it a shot, that there was nothing else I had to do.... So I left on time, was havinga great time walking ther when about twenty minutes from the office it started to rain, rain hard....

There I am, standing in a wool suit, rain coat but no umbrella, just getting soaked... I decided to keep going towards the office and just before the final bend I look down and the blue suit has bled onto my white shirt and I see myself in a store window.... Soaking wet, hair destroyed and just looking like an idiot. (A grinning one though, cause I love the rain....) I had a choice to make... Did I blow off the interview and try to reschedule it? Did I just go to the office and try and rise above the wetness even though it would make me look dumb? Or did I just aknowledge that this was fate's way of deciding that I really didn't want this job--something I was already thinking? Well.... I didn't go in, walked all the way back home rocking out on my walk-man and am about to call the office and see if I can reschedule.... If it's not meant to be...well....what can you do?

well..just came back from the huge 7th annual Halloween party at Detriot St. I honestly think it is my favorite party of the year.... The dancing, the costumes as well as the random people you see. I had this great moment on the dance floor, surrounded by people and realized---hey these are my friends and my secondary family.. And I loved it, and them too. I don't think I have been that happy in a long time.... TGhank God for little mircales.. eh? And if you were wondering, went as a dominatrix with my Curious George Moneky all bound up... Every one loved the costum and the whip.... I had a great time.... There was also two hot guys as Adam and STeve (not Adam and Eve) and they were in next to nothing all night.... Cold but that made certain things impressive... LOL I dream of them tonight.. Yikes.

Okay... so the halloween experience has begun.... I went to Billie's party last night with Kelly, Lizzy, Dack and some other people.... I went as Paul McCrain's character from Fame.... The wig was hot but the parties were a nice warm up for the party tonite.... Hopefully will all have fun tonight..... Wish us luck..... More to come some.