New Years Eve... Happy 2004..... The party at the Super House was fun, all things considered though not without the usual issues, sickness and drama.... But I had fun and am able to write at the end of the night so.... good things...

I did get reflective as per the new years past... I just realized that there are certain things that I need to take control of... I guess I need to be honest and real with myself and that is the hardest thing to do sometimes....

The truth is--that my life needs to change. I mean, it's not bad or poor or anything. I have a great large group of friends and always have an ear or person to talk with... But the truth is that I don't live the life that I want more often than not. I get caught up in the drama of others and that only masks my own lack of life....

If I was truthfull, honest 100 percent then there are grand changes i need to make. I just worry so muc about the things that I would lose to get them. So instead, I talk myself out of things...guys who I could date and have relationships with. Reasons not to write or try harder with the leads I have had. Instead I hide from these things because it isn easier. My life before college, before thses friends was so different. And the lack of certain goals or events or truths makes it hard for me to believe that they can happen.

I don't believ in love or sucess or a million other things so I don't pursue them because what is the point? Instead I build up walls, build up grand designs tohide from all that I could have. And now I have to either accept that or make motions to break them. It's a scary thought but a step I have to make for myself and no one else can make that happen....