So tonight was the annual Christmas fun at Cissy and Ron's house.... The usual mix of people that you don't see the rest of the year for whatever reason... Light gossip and phone calls from those out of town but still in our thoughts... I managed to not only hang out with Satin... But to have fun with Stacy, Tyg's girlfriend. He and I had a long talk about the birthday fiasco and how it was kind oif messed up... But all is good with a lot of hugs and even some tears. And there wasn't the Kelly/Tyg tension from last year so....

But of course, there was the Nick tension. I don't know how much I have really written about him but here's the low down.... Nick was been a part of our group of friends for years and I have spent time with him off and on during them. He's a funny, life of the party type guy. He reminds me alot of Edie with his adventerous personality. I always wanted to be friends with him more than just part of the group but he also is quite vocal about who deos and doesn't like and so that kind of kept me away from him...

About two years ago, there was a lot of guessing about his sexuality and some thing I was always asked about. I never really thought much about it--I didn't know him very well and everyone's reasoning for the questions was kind of odd. Just because someone doesn't date alot or isn't verbal about their crushes does not a homosexual make. Then there was the night when things got strange... A group of us went to a bar for a birthday and there was a lot of drinking and carousing and well... Nicky porceeded to hit on Edie, Lizzie, Kelly... Kind of sleazy yet joking and I made fun of him... His response was to look at me (straight in th eyes) ask whether I was "jealous" and I shouldn't be...there was plenty of him to go around. It was quite odd and something that I still was thinking about later that night...

Well, low and behold, a couple of months later Nick came out. This was an odd event and one that I felt strange in being apart of... He told most of the girls and me that night and it was rather intense but I was proud of him... (if not abit confused....) Later that night, I left him a note on his door before leaving, offering myself as a sounding board if he needed one--this group can be kind of hard at times and one of the people he had yet to come out was someone I had a hard time coming out too...

This is where trouble entered the stage.... We went out a few times by ourselves and just talked about things. There was no subtext, no lingering looks but just two people talking and becoming friends. We did keep it on the downlow because of how people talk but it was just talk and nothing more. And then I opened my big mouth... I realize that he and I had a lot in common, that we wanted some of the same things... I mused outloud to couple of people that I was a little attrached to him but BUT it was not something that was going to happen. Mostly cause he had just came out of the closet and needed to deal not only with telling people but to go off and party and experiement. Not to have a instant boyfriend...

Of course, I should have know better than to say this out loud but... Needless to say, word got back to him and then suddenly we weren't friends so much as I was the guy with crush, eating my heart while all he wanted was support... And it became tense and weird... So after awhile of all of this, I decided to stand up for myself and managed to do this on New Years, at a party, while drinking (I know, I Know...) Well the talk went wwlll and we managed to clear up alot of things.... Unfortunatly I should have left when the going was good but instead...we hooked up...

Not only was this a stupid thing to do, but one of us didn't even remember the next day... And then began the pattern of "I can't talk to him cause he thinks I want him" verus the "Ohmigod we hooked up and I know he likes me and I don't wanna lead him on..." So, times we talk like to funcationing adults but the rest of the time we are idiots without the way to say hi because no one wants to do it first and neither knows how the other will react....

And of course, this dance continued into the party... I feel bad because I want to still (for whatever reason) be his friend. It would be nice to have another gay guy to talk to in this group, to go out and hit the town with, to set up with other friends I have... But it will never really happen because of one mistake. And that's what makes it sad....(yikes, I'm drunk...)