Okay...

So I have been a little MIA the last couple of days.. The truth is that I have been trying to work out certain issues in myn own head before posting them to the world at large... Monday night I was terribly upset, on the verge of crying type of mood and helpless to change it. For all of my "it was fate" feelings about the TLA interview, I was upset that I wasn't able to do it... Especially since an hour after I got home it was bright and shiny outside and warm and just taunting me.

So as I crept in my bad mood place I decided to face certain facts. The number one is I NEED TO LEAVE LA! Not that I don't love it here and all of my friends and the weather and my beatiful cheap apartemnt and a million other things but... LA is not working out for me, it is not a place where I can have any of things that I truly want career wise, love life wise, or certain other things.

Part of me is able to act like certain things don't affect my life in Los Angeles... The not-having-a-car-thing is a much bigger thing than I ever let own. That by not having transportation I do have a harder time getting solid work, and I don't get great pay with any of the local jobs that I have taken, and instead of moving up finanically as I get older.... I'm stuck in the same place and feel trapped by certain elements of my life.

The other part of the anti-LA thing is... I want to go back to school and (car thing again) I can't seem to figure out a way to do that in La. I would love to go to San Fran, a state school, and get my degree in child developement and the child pyschology and I just think that I could do a better job of that in San Francisico where things are so dependant on cars, better pblic transportation....

The last reason is the hardest to write.... I have to find my own way, my own life away from where I am at now.... I live my life for these people, have given up certain elemants of myself, have always played the martyr, the who just nods his head and agrees to the statis quo. And this is not their fault, and I don't want anyone to read it that way... It's just I have to find who I am and that's not something I can do here.... That going home last time made me realize that I have changed alot and not in good ways--that I always knew that I wanted to do certain things and I have been hiding behind fear, mistrust and convience... And it is time to stop that. SO...

who knows....I'm working on me and it may take awhile... Why can't things be easy eh?