Weary

 Today is a hard day. I am trying to not be sad, to do things that make me happy (though the weather isn't helping) but it's not working. Tomorrow is my first day at this new, low paying, part time only, job that I really don't want. I know its not the job's fault but I am just so sad about the whole thing. And at some point I have to take out my nose ring so just another symbol of how much of me I am giving up.

And I don't really talk about this with anyone because it feels embarrassing--like I failed somehow even though I know that is not the case. I know my friends would get it but it doesn't make it sting any less. And I am certain that some would be annoyed since they have been out of work longer so they have more stress and time served than I do. (though it is not a competition) 

And it just makes me question life. Like what is the point of being committed? Doing the right thing? Sacrificing for things when the rug can still be ripped away from you regardless? Why shouldn't I just be smoking cigarettes and eating full pizza between lines of coke and gangbangs if nothing makes any difference? I fought so hard for so long and have been left with nothing of value.

What is the fucking point?

And I know I will be fine. I always survive but for once I just want to live.