The Post-Holiday Begins....

YOu can tell that it's the end of the holidays when you get back to the usual things... Went food shopping and managed to stock up on only healthy foods.. Let's see how long this lasts and whether it has any effects on chubby Rory, eh? I also managed to clean the apartment up just in time for Mac to come home and not realize that I have been pigging out and wearing pjs for the last week. Though I do have to go to Ieka soon...the two lamps in the living rom died... What are the chances?! Still have a holiday e-mail to send and thank-yous to write and small gifts to give but that's all easy stuff...

But before I write off the entire season...along comes New Years.... New Years is my favorite of all holidays, mostly because it involves cute outfits, heavy drinking, dancing and a little reflection... It was also the only holiday that my parents could mess up as a child... There were always parties and people just chill and no fighting about where to go, who's family to see and all that drama. I have already picked out the outfit....made a game plan of events and am eager to catch up with everyone after their holiday travels..... I have a few resolutions for the new year and things to plan...

Hopefully you all have had a great time this past season and will continue to enjoy yourselves for at least the next couple of months....

Christmas Day and everything is fun..... Had a good phone talk with both Mom and Dad... Which was kind of interesting and different for me at least... Mom gave me some good gifts and even made me laugh.... She sent me pictures of her and Meggie from Halloween and I cracked up... They dressed as Winnine the Pooh and a Honey pot.... LOL Well worth the wait...

The day itself was fine with the exception of some drama... Lizzy and Willis fighting... Tension at Cissy's dinner for a little bit... But we all got over it and had fun... And as I said to Willis--"what's a holiday without drama anyways?" Food was great and everyone was really chilling after the meal... Cissy gave me a cute brown striped poor boy's hat... It is nice and cool looking...

So, the holiday was fun and entertaining and good all around. I hope you all had as much fun as I did....

Merry Christmas....

Just back from Lizzy's place where wildness reins... Christmas Eve brunch lasted all day and had tons of people and tons of fun... Willis, Dack, Bess, Mickey, Regine, Natalie.... We all drank, ate tons of food, watched movies, and talked about everything... I now know too much about the sex lives of ton of my friends but it was wild and crazy and the perfect way to forget that we weren't with our families... I did leave for a bit for something a little racy and learned that I can be surprised and became the "other woman" for the first time ever... LOL. Merry freaking christmas rory....

The best thing about the whole day was getting to know people like Mickey and Dack.. Learned a new drinking game as well... Good times.... I hope that today is just as fun... I also got the best presnt from Kelly and Lizzy... Towels for the new bathroom design... Awesome!

Every twist of the kaleidoscope...

So Saturday was the misfit christams dinner at the boys house.... Just the few of us that were still around or staying in LA during the holiday... Me, Lizzie, Kelly, Jonesy, Benji, Penn, Nick, Priscilla, Ronn and Cissy and a few other people....

It started off in a weird way--I called Lizzy and Kelly early in the afternoon, just having got out of the shower but waiting a time table for the day.. To my surprise, Lizzie today me that Kelly was going to the house early... So I ran and got dressed without even thinking about the chances of who would be there...

So we showed up at the house and it is just Nick and Priscilla, having breakfast... This was weird because of not only my tension with Nick but because of Priscilla.... She was one of Edie and mine's roommates and was just an odd living situtation... I didn't know her well but was always able to have a nice fun conversation with her and Edie was good friends with her... And then she moved in with us and was quite and kind of rude and never really said a word to either of us. It was akward because we both really liked her but she was so strange to live with.... Then when Benji and Lizzie broke up, Priscilla started dating Benji very shortly afterward which startled all of us.... The entire "don't date your friends exes" thing

Imagine me and Kelly just hanging with these two.. But it gets better... Kelly starts cooking (which I suck at) and has plenty of stuff to do while I just kind of stand there looking all types of stupid... And Nick and Priscilla weren't really happy to have us there considering they had stuff to do... I offered to help set up the tables and clean and they wouldn't let me. Me just standing there....

Then Kelly realized she had to go to the store and get more supplies while Priscilla went and hid in her room. So just me and Nick hanging in the kitchen... And then the X-mas suprise... Nick and I were not only able to talk but had a fun coinversation... Nothing to deep or anything--mostly about Edie and her travels and other random things... It was nice and kewl and I was happy that there was no tension...

And that vibe continued the rest of the night.... And I ended up cooking... I know, I know... I made gravy and helped with the dressing and did great. Nothing burned or got sick... And the group had fun and ate their fill... We all got along and interesting conversations and all that stuff. Cissy's friend Regine asked me if I would be interested in meeting her brother... He's older and jewish (I think) but I'm thinking about it... Though I wonder if it's rude to ask to see him first... But that aside... Life was fun!!! And now I can't wait for New Year's at the boys house.....

Holiday hum-drums....

So I had one of those days... Just really sad and weird and very borderline teary... These bouts don't strike me very often but when they hit it is hard to stick my pieces together... I don't know if they are tiggered by the holidays or some random combination of events but... When they hit, I just can't seem to work my way out of them and either drop out of social events and hide or force myself through the everyday things I have to do...

I know that some people might call this depression but I prefer to think out it as Melencohly... Kind of like a Jane Austen character... Just strike random piano keys in a deserted drawing room and pining for something that I cannot find words for... And it just feels like a wind blowing through everything and makes it hard to think of anything except all the suffering in the world... God, I'm depressing on a world wide web...

Okay... So just when I thought it was safe to socialize.... The return of Nick... I went to Kelly and Lizzie's for cookies, Christmas trees and lattaks... Imagine to my surprise when Nick showed up--he never comes to our parties--but then hey, he was getting a present and stuff.... SO the whole time I tried to avoid him because I wasn''t feeling up to trying to talk and getting shot down....

He briefly joined Davis and me on the porch as we smoked and it was quite awkward, mostly cause I had gone outside to avoid this. So, momments of silence then a brief talk about Ginn and then off he went inside.

The rest of the evening was fun and then he left to go to work/bed. As he was leaving he had no chocie but to talk to me.... After all he asid good-bye to everyone in the room and it would have been bad form to leave me out. So, as he says bye/happy holidays, I look at him and smile and say "I'll see you on Saturday at the dinner, right?" He was startled, I was nice and now I have to figure out whether or not we are talking or if I'll have to avoid him at the dinner. Small groups make this hard but I have hope....LOL

So tonight was the annual Christmas fun at Cissy and Ron's house.... The usual mix of people that you don't see the rest of the year for whatever reason... Light gossip and phone calls from those out of town but still in our thoughts... I managed to not only hang out with Satin... But to have fun with Stacy, Tyg's girlfriend. He and I had a long talk about the birthday fiasco and how it was kind oif messed up... But all is good with a lot of hugs and even some tears. And there wasn't the Kelly/Tyg tension from last year so....

But of course, there was the Nick tension. I don't know how much I have really written about him but here's the low down.... Nick was been a part of our group of friends for years and I have spent time with him off and on during them. He's a funny, life of the party type guy. He reminds me alot of Edie with his adventerous personality. I always wanted to be friends with him more than just part of the group but he also is quite vocal about who deos and doesn't like and so that kind of kept me away from him...

About two years ago, there was a lot of guessing about his sexuality and some thing I was always asked about. I never really thought much about it--I didn't know him very well and everyone's reasoning for the questions was kind of odd. Just because someone doesn't date alot or isn't verbal about their crushes does not a homosexual make. Then there was the night when things got strange... A group of us went to a bar for a birthday and there was a lot of drinking and carousing and well... Nicky porceeded to hit on Edie, Lizzie, Kelly... Kind of sleazy yet joking and I made fun of him... His response was to look at me (straight in th eyes) ask whether I was "jealous" and I shouldn't be...there was plenty of him to go around. It was quite odd and something that I still was thinking about later that night...

Well, low and behold, a couple of months later Nick came out. This was an odd event and one that I felt strange in being apart of... He told most of the girls and me that night and it was rather intense but I was proud of him... (if not abit confused....) Later that night, I left him a note on his door before leaving, offering myself as a sounding board if he needed one--this group can be kind of hard at times and one of the people he had yet to come out was someone I had a hard time coming out too...

This is where trouble entered the stage.... We went out a few times by ourselves and just talked about things. There was no subtext, no lingering looks but just two people talking and becoming friends. We did keep it on the downlow because of how people talk but it was just talk and nothing more. And then I opened my big mouth... I realize that he and I had a lot in common, that we wanted some of the same things... I mused outloud to couple of people that I was a little attrached to him but BUT it was not something that was going to happen. Mostly cause he had just came out of the closet and needed to deal not only with telling people but to go off and party and experiement. Not to have a instant boyfriend...

Of course, I should have know better than to say this out loud but... Needless to say, word got back to him and then suddenly we weren't friends so much as I was the guy with crush, eating my heart while all he wanted was support... And it became tense and weird... So after awhile of all of this, I decided to stand up for myself and managed to do this on New Years, at a party, while drinking (I know, I Know...) Well the talk went wwlll and we managed to clear up alot of things.... Unfortunatly I should have left when the going was good but instead...we hooked up...

Not only was this a stupid thing to do, but one of us didn't even remember the next day... And then began the pattern of "I can't talk to him cause he thinks I want him" verus the "Ohmigod we hooked up and I know he likes me and I don't wanna lead him on..." So, times we talk like to funcationing adults but the rest of the time we are idiots without the way to say hi because no one wants to do it first and neither knows how the other will react....

And of course, this dance continued into the party... I feel bad because I want to still (for whatever reason) be his friend. It would be nice to have another gay guy to talk to in this group, to go out and hit the town with, to set up with other friends I have... But it will never really happen because of one mistake. And that's what makes it sad....(yikes, I'm drunk...)

The Ghosts of Realtionships past....

So, Charity called me today and asked me to go with her to the Pier One Christmas party... This did give me pause to think, what with Vera back at the store and the large possibilty that she might bring Enrique....

Okay, Enrique was last serious boyfriend in LA and the reason that I quit Pier One among other things. It was the first break up where I felt like the only adult thing to do was to leave... That even though I was in love with the guy that I couldn't stay with someone with whom things were destined not to work out.... I saw more potenial than product with him... I wanted a guy who might wanna do the ceremony on the beach in front of our families, adopt a few kids from overseas maybe.....

Unfortunately, he wanted a guy who had no problems with threesomes, long times apart and no close firends to get in the way.... So, even though we both cried (alot) it was decided that breaking up was the best thing to do... It was all very civil and well managed except for a couple of things...

After spending two days begging me to come back he finally called me late one night just to talk as friends... He then proceeded to tell me about the hot guy at work that he always liked had asked him out on a date and that he was going the next day... I didn't take this well and proceeded to be pissed off though I didn't say much about it at the time... After a couple days of avoiding him and his phone calls, I decided to call Vera to talk.

Vera and I had been fast friends at the store and were even closer when I started to date Enrique. He worked for the company too, with us briefly and then at another location. But when things got bad, she always said we would all stay friends... This turned out not to be the case at all--leading to her lying about Enrique being at her house the night I called and picking up another line to listen in. I was pouring my heart out to her when he breaks in with "hey you wanted to do this...." Needless to say I was pissed and embrassed by the whole fiasco and didn't speak to him or her for about six months.

It wasn't till I found out that he was moving to Saleanas (Near SF) that I decided to call him up to talk. I was better off than I had been in months. At a fun new job and distarcting myself with all that entalied. We went out, had dinner, shopped and then hooked for ex-sex... We promised to keep talking but it didn't really happen.

Well, later on I found out from Mickey (his other ex, former roomate and guy that I was kind of sleeping with.... I know, I know) that Enrique had been flipped out about that night and had been telling people like him and Vera that maybe he made a mistake and should have done something more to keep me with him. I was startled by this and kind of touched in that bad Aaron Spelling drama type of way....

And now he is back in LA. I have known this for awhile and have been in several sitatutions where I have almost run into him. And he lives with Vera, works for a different company but still knows all the gang at Pier One and so there was a huge chance that I would run into him.

But I didn't and the reason that he didn't come was simple... Vera told me after a couple hours of drinking (this girl would give you her pin, social and credit cards after a couple) that he couldn't face him because he didn't know what he would do if I was in his life.... That he still wanted me and that it was too much pressure for him...

I guess this should have made me happy but at the end of the day--it is just sad. Mostly because we will run into each sooner than later and something will have to be decided. I mean, I just want him as a friend....maybe hook up...but not as a relationship. And as I try to reconnect with people like Vera his ghost will be in the way. Just because no one what will happen when we do see each other. And I don't even know myself.... I just want to get it out of the way.

So today was the last of the clothing fundraiser... Billie and I went to several different stores with 7 bags of clothes... We did mange to raise about 60 dollars and donated the rest to charity. It is slightly disturbing how little we have been able to raise but it was for a good cause... It is also disturbing that there will be a possible homeless person wearing two season's old Diesel shirts... But we had fun and it felt good to do somethingh worth while with my free time. I guess that is the point eh?

So, once again.... I managed to fuck up. Not sure what will happen with this yet but am prepared for war... Packing buckshot... Lol.

Started fine enough, Kise and I decided at last nights PADWAD meeting to hang out today... I'm going to help shop for Christmas presents and stuff.... Sounded fun and got me out of the house for a bit and so.... Off we were, to Target and Tilly's and other random stores.... We had alot of fun just hanging out and doing stuff... Something that I haven't done much with her. Kise is one of those people who you can tell wants to be your friend and hang out and stuff. It's a little heady at times, the admiration but also quite intimadating....

So, we were on our way back and stopped of to get some drugs from the market and somehow PADWAD came up... And I guess I was tired or something but suddenly I was spouting off about all these concerns I had about the group and our progress and porjects. I basically said some stuff like how I have problems working with Ruby and that we were too attached to the tragic-light film and how I felt the group wasn't a strong avenue for encouraging our seprate arts... Kise, of course, was a little freaked out and hurt and felt I was stressing too much and stated that maybe I needed not to come to meetings if I felt this way....

I do love the meetings, the work and the artistic roundtable the group allows for us. I was just tired and a little frustrated and I now I've opened the mouth too much. Because I did go off on Ruby among other things and now I'm worried that Kise will tell her what happened. She won't do it to be mean but to try and fix the problems. Which are hardly there and not to the extent that I made it sound.

So now I'm just waiting for a phone call and to be busted. But maybe I am overthinking this too. I tend to do that.

Okay...so Irene's friend asked me this question the other night when we at some party. THE QUESTION. If you're single then you know it. The one that well meaning relatives ask at holidays, new co-workers broach it over drinks, a friend of a friend might ask.... (if you know this then say it with me...)

So, are you seeing someone?

I never know quite how to answer this question... (Outside of the sarcastic... "Oh shit, no, thanks for reminding me.... I was going to and then I got busy...) For some people this is a rough question. Throws them into a pit of self-doubt, double guessing, wondering...why aren't I? But for me, to be honest, it doesn't ring any bells... Set off any alarms.

The thing is... I know that I'm not in the place to be in a relationship. And I don't know how to explain that to others... That feeling of I'm not ready... I don't want it right now. That I'm not lonely, that I'm not afraid that time is running out. That I'm not missing anything. That I'm happy enough to work on who I am. That being alone is better than being in a relationship and wondering.... How did I get here... I don't know if this is normal... Not many people talk about this stuff, about how maybe being with someone else isn't the right choice. But I think sometimes it is. It is okay to work on being your own best date. That sometimes being in a relationship only hides one from the things they need to do to better ones self.... I'd rather wait then play act in a relationship that I'm not ready for....

"So if you not ready for love you should stay single?"
"Why not? If nobody ever got married or had children unless they were really in love, don't you think it would clean up a lot of the mess around here?"
"Miami?"
"Life."
"But then so many people would be alone."
"Is that such a terrible thing? I remember the first time I was lying in bed alone and feeling sorry for myself and I said, Wake up, Iris. Wake up. How many times have you been in bed with someone who was making you feel bad? Unconfident, unloved, or constantly having to hustle to deserve to be loved. Or being cheated on. And I thought, this is definitely better than any of those real-life situations. I was just trying to con myself into a remembering romantic situations that, in fact, hardly ever existed. No. If I can't go first class I don't want to go at all. And it's me, if I'm being honest, who knows what first class is."
"No accommodations. Is that it?"
"Oh, I can accommodate a lot. I can handle a missing limb. Or someone who's not brilliant. Or not a great money-maker. Those things are not problems. I might very well fall in love with someone in any of those categories. What I don't want to do is fall in love with someone I don't really know. Someone I've given a personality to, and later I find out they're someone completely different. And I'm fucked, in more ways than one. Life goes on, Glen. Life goes on. I don't want to waste any time giving really heavy emotion to someone who doesn't get it. Doesn't appreciate it. Doesn't even know what I'm feeling. Does that make sense?"

"My Worst Date." by David Leddick.

I'm an asshole tonight.... Wasn't really the plan or anything but I did fuck up and there is little I can do to fix. Tonight is Tyg's 30th birthday and I'm not there. If you don't know who he is.... Tyg used to date Kelly date a coypole years ago--they were hot and heavy and stuff and they then they broke up after living togther among others things. The situtation was poorly handed by all sides and a lot of friendships were lost bewteen her and his friends.... But he and I managed to stay close...

He's one of the few guys that I have ever been good friends with... He's just kind and very open and once he is your firend--that's it. Nothing that he won't do for you, no place he won't be be.... It's hard to see that sometimes because of Tygf's rough extrior but he is just one of those people who really loves his friends and considers them family... No questions asked....

And here I am, not at his party..... I didn't plan it this way... I just kind of figured I could go down to Torrance with Donnie or Sklyar or something. I had actually made noises about wanting to go to Davis at Thanksgiving and so I just figured I would end up there. How I was I to know that.... Last minute everyone would go together... In one car so that if the party (in Skylar's words....) "was lame then they could go get milk shakes....." (Okay. That was bitchy. But...) And now I feel like a heel and Tyg's new girlfriend already hates me... Just another nail in that coffee.... I don't even know how to make up for this.... any advice?

Sorry I missed a day but life has a strange way of sneak attacking when you least expect it.... When on a great job interview yesterday for a clothing resale boutique... I really want this job for many reason but mostly because it seems like it would be fun, creative and kewl and a challenge as well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed while I wait this one out. Then my "friend" Mickey came over and had a great time.... I have definately missed sex during my sickness and made up for lost time.... He's quite fun in bed and the type of guy I would totally like if I met while out and about. And today was great for me writing wise as well. I have a PADWAD meeting tonight with Ruby and Kise and I am excited. I just wrote about 30 pages of work and am quite happy with my talents as of late. Hopefully I can keep up the good work. Well... that's about it... Tomorrow Billie and I have to sort clothing and start a plan for the resale fundraiser. Hopefully it will go well. Wish us luck....

So a funny thing happened tonight.... Skylar and Thomas had a little dinner/get together at their apartment and it was fun.... The same crowd at Thanksgiving with some changes and I was able to have a good time the whole night long. The high point was when I realized that Benji had revealed Jonsey's secrt to the party and I had the oppurtunity to rub that fact in Skylar's face. Not in a mean way but I did make an effort to point that I wasn't the one who spilled the secert. Outside of that, I had a great time.... Though there was a depressing element

I found out from Jac's dad that the Right Wing Webpage does have the right to post the pieces of my article... SO I am allowed to be the spoke person for the religious right. Well, any work is good work right? And my name is ouit there.....

Thanksgiving came and went with the usual fanfare and even more usual suspects--except Kelly, first time to the misfit meal. As always there was great food, fun times and a lot of televised sporting events... Things of note that happened included Kelly and Bess getting drunk, mildly in Kelly's case and not so mild in Bess. However, I couldn not drink because of the meds but had a grand time with Bess and dancing wildly in the yard to the neighbors party--the boys house was very low key this year and little music... That being said, it was fun and wild to enjoy someone else's drunken spree.... Though I don't think Mick (her fiance) was quite as pleased at the end of the evening....

Another fun development was that Jonesy was out of town on a "special road trip". I didn't think much of this and figured it was either a girl or some strange geeky comic/film thing that wouldn't really impress me. Well, when Kelly, Lizzy, and I were having a little nap time Skylar came in and made some mention of the trip. Kelly was curious and Skylar allowed us to guess about what it was and gave yes/no answers.... After awhile, and bewtten the three of us, we figured out what it was and Skylar gave us a stern lecture about not spilling the beans. In particluar, he attacked me and said to keep my mouth shut about it. Lizzy and Kelly both laughed and argeed that I was the gossip. They all seemed to miss the fact that Skylar himself had spilt the beans and that he would be the one to blame if any of us spilt the secert. That, and I didn't think that Jonesy's thing would be coming up in my life anytime soon. We're not close and he's not on the front page of people I even would bother to talk about.

And what would Thanksgiving be without me fucking up? I was taking with the smokers outside and somehow the topic of Mac (the new roommate) came up. Kelly asked what she was doing and I said that she and Billie (the x-roomie) were at the apartment, making cakes and pigging out to bad movies. Well, Willis (Billie's ex) was there and he got pissed that Billie was even brought up... Needless to say, he left early and I felt like crap.... So per the norm, I managed to ruin someone's thanksgiving...

Every year I make the joke about not going home cause the holidays are to dysfunctional.... Well they are here too... I guess this group of friends is like a misfit family--filled with love and spite and jealously and kindess.... There's always the unexpected hand to help and the well meaning momenet gone awary. So if people do ask if I'm spending the holidays with my family the answere is yes, my hand-picked one. The one with faults and dreams and a million wonderful things....

I am a mouth piece of the religious right... I found this out the other day when, a little bored and curious, I typed my name into the AOL search engine. Imagine to my surprise when I saw a webpage quoting one of my pieces from XY. Intrigued, I visited the website and discovered that they were using excerpts of my column to prove that gays are sad, unhappy and bitter litttle creatures.... Well, after a good laugh because come on.... it is a little ironic.... I decided to see what I could do about getting myself pulled off of said webpage. Needless to say, it apprears to be a daunting task and one that I might not be able to pull off. There is a question of ownership of my piece, copyrioght, as well as several other problems with said situtation. Of course, now I am even more upset and ready to rumble and I am about to release some serious whoop-ass on some unsuspecting preacher and his wife..... The best part is this preacher is a "former" homosexual but I had to wonder--what the hell is he doing reading XY anyway? Hmm.... I really wish they had taught a class back at Emerson about copyright and one's intellencual properties.... Okay... Well, I guess I keep you all abreast of my current sitatuation..... and before I forget....


HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL. MAY YOU AND ALL WHO LOVE YOU BE BLESSED BY THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT.... (gobble, gobble....)

Just when life seems doomed to keep me down--along comes a surpirise that makes me stop and think.... Maybe I should believe in things more... So, during my recent bout of sickness I also had a panic attack. Mostly cuased by my lovely Mother... I know she meant well but when one's child can barely stop for more than a half an hour--one might think that this is not the time to call them with job postings.... As it is, I have been paniced of awhile now about my jobless situtation as have been a small core of my friends as such and part of the reason I did wait on the doctor thing was the realization that I had no insurence, no job and that the medical bills were the last thing I needed added to my plate.... But sometimes the body shuts down and one is left with no recourse...

Trying to be some type of productive after the nphone ncall with Mom, I dcided to check my pain thershold by walking to my mail box and getting some bills, junk mail and hopefully a good magazine to read while bed prone. Imagine to my surprise when I open a letter that has a check for me in it..... One from a website that I had been trying to use to get some free lance work... I had posting a couple of differnt pieces that I had, hopefully so that some editor would get a sense of my style and want to order me to whip something up.

Well, turns out that the Gay/Lesbian/Everyone else newspaper 365gay.com had bought and published one of my piece a couple of weeks ago. This was the first time I had been paid for something I wrote.... (those it was really only enough for a subway sub, a pack of smokes and a diet coke....) And it was just the boast I needed to reconfirm what I had all ready been thinking... Which was that I am a good writing and talenetd or at least lucky... Look out world, here comes Rory "Bradshaw" Lapointe. Just goes to prove that I should trsut in things a little more.....

Sorry it has ben so lon since I wrote... Just that last Wedensday I woke up and couldn't move... Uh-huh... No possible body movement. Turns out that the big bad sickness was just what I thought it was, a nasty virual infection in my intesties that caused them to swell... So it was pushing around everything else inside and making walking up right (one of the few things that seperates us from aniamlas and babies) extermly painful.

So after a long internal debate about who to call to take me to the emergency room... (when you don't have health insurence it just seems rather stupid to call for an ambluence when you won't ever be able to pay that cost) I randomly called my friend Charity to see if she was around. Turns out she was up the street hanging out at my old job and stuff. Taking this as a sign, I managed to get out what was going on and she was upset that I had waited to even ask her for help. We then spent six hours in the emergency room, during which time I blacked out once, got really crabby several times and the rest I don't remember. I then proceeded to get examed by a man older than my grandfather, who had a habit of questioning my answers to his questions. "When was the last time you were in a foreign country? Years ago.... Are you sure? Yes... Well, have you had sex with any recent immagrents recently? No, I have had sex recently... Are you sure? Yes.....) This conversation went on for about 45 minutes then I finally got some perscriptions and got out of Dodge....

Then Charity and I did the hunt for drugs and pay full price cause of no insurnce... Needless to say, my next job will have some type of benefits and I will take them.... But after a couple of vicadin and comfort food.... I did start to feel a littlke better... Though it did take me till today, four days later, to be able to sit up right long enough to write this all down.... So, I guess I'm better now... Can walk across the apartment without crying out at all... And that is a major improvement. Just in case you wanted to know.

So Skylar and Penn have a big shiny agent..... Found this out last night at Kelly and Lizzy's Monday Night Madness.... Now before anyone assumes that I have sour grapes about this new deveolpemnt.... I don't. I guess my problem is in how the whole event was handled. They made the announcement in a big way, champaigne toast and all. The room cheered them on, a slight speech was made... And this pissed me off....

I guess it is mostly because in my group of friends there is a pecking order of sorts, a line-up to popluarity, who gets supported and who doesn't. If Skylar has a screening then we all to be there but no one buys or even borrow's a magzine if someone's been published. It's just that the first time I was published nationally, in a sizable magazine, no body bottered to pick it up and only a handful even read it. I am sure of this and each time it has happened since then, the reaction has been similar. I don't want to make a whole lot of noise but it is a big deal that I did those things--had that level of success... All on my own, people writing me to say how it touched them and most of my friends can't be bothered.

And it hurts. To feel that one's art is as an important as anothers. That people just don't care, or can't be bothered to put in some effort. I think what I did was hard, important and special..... All I ask is that my friends respect that. And I do know that on some level they do but.... (It has also occured to me that the boys showed up with the champaigne, chose to make the huge effort... And then I'm the drama queen....the one who tries to hard.... go figure...)

I guess the upside is that this iccident has fueled the fire, the "bring it on" sentiment within myself.... I am a better writer, I already have done more and now I will get back into the game full time. I will be bigger than they can even dare to hope to be... So I guess it is on!!!!

Okay...sorry it has been awhile since I wrote but all the time has brought much more interesting things for me to write about... First of all.... I am sick and have been since last Thursday... And we're not talking run of the mill, grab-some-hankies-and-some-nyquil-and-stop-bitching-sick but the whole-go-to-the-doctor-after-looking-up-symptoms-on-the-internet-sick... Of course, the only funny thing about the entire sernario is that I don't get sick often but when I do, it is bad... (I have only been sick once in LA....that required anything like drugs or sleep..)

I will be honest and say that I am terrified... That what had started as a simple fever with nothing else going on...it was taken huge steps towards becoming big and nasty and I am scared of it.... I am doing my guy thing by not making the next step....because I feel slightly better though the major symptons haven't gone away and the longer I wait to see a doctor....the worse the possible treatment... (we taking surgery.....) And the best of all of this is why I am not being active.... Frankly, I am more scared of the debt I will occure if this is the big baddie it seems then of the actual sickness....

And this is crazy...it is because I have no health care, no benefits and even in my best jobs.... Th benefits were either so expensive compared to the coverage you got or so restricted.....interms of wHAt you were allowed to be covered for.... And this has started me thinking about there is a huge number of people out there with no medical insurance, people my age, friends of mine.. Just going about and living their lives and , on some level, hoping and praying that they don't get sick, or in an accident, or need anything major from a doctor.... And there are most likely people like me, who know their sick, that something is wrong, but don't go to the doctor because they are scared of how are they going to pay? Especially when it is so expensive for certain things.... And they let things go till finally something has got to give.... And it is usually their health.....

Not that I am going to do that.... Nope... NOt me....

Sorry it has been so long since the last post--and that it was rather boring too.... Have had a stressfull couple of days when it was felt as though I have been conspired against.... There was another (I know...another!!!) mistake with my unemployment and they were refusing to give me a check.. They claimed that because I had checked off the wrong box that I wasn't really working for a mjob... All this even though they called two of the places I interviewed when I went to that stupid meeting in Canoga PArk.... Well, I was upset, hyperventilated for a bit and then got down to brass tacks and forced them to cut me a check... Nonetheless, this was really annoying and not the way to start one's week....
And if that wasn't enough... I wnet to the Pier and visited Vera.... It wasn't my intention but just so happened she was there when I stopped by. It was a little strange and stuff but what can you do? I think she thinks that I just want to use her to see Enrique which isn't really true though it would be a nice side deveoplment. It lend to an inner debate as to why do I create situtations if there is no good outcome. (this does not mean that I'm doing them for the wrong reasons....just that nbothing is really going to change all that much...) Is to make up for a lack of excitement? Maybe, though I'm not that bored with things as of late... Or am I? Hmm.... I just need to get things moving agin and that will happpen soon enough.... I have a plan..... (cue swelling organ music..)

Joni's B-day party last night ended up being more fun than I thought it would be. It was hard, forcing myself to go consider how much I find her lacking at points but she was great fun last night.... And a lot of random people were there--Irene and her hollywood friends, Grant, Kelly, Willis, Benji.... Everyone got along and it was interesting just for that reason... Hmmm....

So went out with Charity tonight for dinner... She's a great friend and always a good time... I told her about the San Fran move and she seemed to respect it.. It was nice to have somebody who seemed to support me....

It was good... ANd in an interesting twist, well, just found out that Vera is working back at Pier One imports in Studio city... This is a fun development because she is not only living with Enrique (the ex who never should have been around as long as he) but because she had I have unfinished business... See, when Enrique and I broke up she picked sides, even though it was a mutal thing, even though I was friends with her first.... And of course, I want to see Enrique cause he and I have unfinished business... We were supposed to be friends but that didn't seem to happen. His ex-roomie/boyfriend told me it was because he was still in love with me..... Nice eh? So now the potenial for drama is there and who am I not to take the ball and run with it?

It is strange when you realize that the world sometimes is in your place and makes you wonder if that is the big Cosmic sign... I have been reading my friend Chloe's blog and for some strange reason...she and I are in synch without having even really talked in the last couple months... Our friendship on some level has always worked this way--being in the same space at the same time with little to no communication. Makes you wonder about soul mates or bodhisattvas... A hindu idea of a soul spilt in two and destined to reconnect...

And my friendship with Chloe has always been like this, same thoughts, same dreams, so hope and always finding something the same in each other. I still remeber exactly the first time we met... It was at a pool party at Naomi's first apartment, a welcome to La bash for newbie Emerson kids taking their first steps into the land of sun and internships. She found me by the water's edge, smoking a cigarette and drinking some scary, girlie, mixed drink.

"Lucy said I should look you up when I get to La...." The first thing she said to me. So brazen and ballsy. Like she new we were gonna be friends and that she was just jumping over the introduction hurdle... And we did just that.... In the course of an afternoon we talked nd laughed and smoked and drank and whether or not we were friends then, I knew she would be important... And she was, is, and most likely will continue to be. Even if there is space bewteen us at times....

And now she's planning to run away, up the coast, near Lucy and City Lights and the Power Arcade and millions things that I want too and I can't help but believe.... Is this that sign I have been waiting for? Maybe it is...but only Chloe would know that for sure I guess.. And now is just prep time for everything I have every wanted..... And it is good to be prepared.....?

Okay...

So I have been a little MIA the last couple of days.. The truth is that I have been trying to work out certain issues in myn own head before posting them to the world at large... Monday night I was terribly upset, on the verge of crying type of mood and helpless to change it. For all of my "it was fate" feelings about the TLA interview, I was upset that I wasn't able to do it... Especially since an hour after I got home it was bright and shiny outside and warm and just taunting me.

So as I crept in my bad mood place I decided to face certain facts. The number one is I NEED TO LEAVE LA! Not that I don't love it here and all of my friends and the weather and my beatiful cheap apartemnt and a million other things but... LA is not working out for me, it is not a place where I can have any of things that I truly want career wise, love life wise, or certain other things.

Part of me is able to act like certain things don't affect my life in Los Angeles... The not-having-a-car-thing is a much bigger thing than I ever let own. That by not having transportation I do have a harder time getting solid work, and I don't get great pay with any of the local jobs that I have taken, and instead of moving up finanically as I get older.... I'm stuck in the same place and feel trapped by certain elements of my life.

The other part of the anti-LA thing is... I want to go back to school and (car thing again) I can't seem to figure out a way to do that in La. I would love to go to San Fran, a state school, and get my degree in child developement and the child pyschology and I just think that I could do a better job of that in San Francisico where things are so dependant on cars, better pblic transportation....

The last reason is the hardest to write.... I have to find my own way, my own life away from where I am at now.... I live my life for these people, have given up certain elemants of myself, have always played the martyr, the who just nods his head and agrees to the statis quo. And this is not their fault, and I don't want anyone to read it that way... It's just I have to find who I am and that's not something I can do here.... That going home last time made me realize that I have changed alot and not in good ways--that I always knew that I wanted to do certain things and I have been hiding behind fear, mistrust and convience... And it is time to stop that. SO...

who knows....I'm working on me and it may take awhile... Why can't things be easy eh?

Fate & whatever....
SO Today I was supposed to go to the second interview with TLA--the place I was at on Thursday... I have been hemming and hawing about this job thing because it is not something that I thought I would want to do... It's sport advertising, 60 plus hours, for 6.75 an hour.... It would be different if this jon would have served some major purpose career-wise but.... I was really torn as what to do....

Then fate entered the picture.... It was raining kind of hard when I woke up, and since it was a walk to the interview--about an hour and a half.... I debated not going on in.... Then I decided that I should get ready and then if the rain has let up, I would just throw on a rain coat and go... Just give it a shot, that there was nothing else I had to do.... So I left on time, was havinga great time walking ther when about twenty minutes from the office it started to rain, rain hard....

There I am, standing in a wool suit, rain coat but no umbrella, just getting soaked... I decided to keep going towards the office and just before the final bend I look down and the blue suit has bled onto my white shirt and I see myself in a store window.... Soaking wet, hair destroyed and just looking like an idiot. (A grinning one though, cause I love the rain....) I had a choice to make... Did I blow off the interview and try to reschedule it? Did I just go to the office and try and rise above the wetness even though it would make me look dumb? Or did I just aknowledge that this was fate's way of deciding that I really didn't want this job--something I was already thinking? Well.... I didn't go in, walked all the way back home rocking out on my walk-man and am about to call the office and see if I can reschedule.... If it's not meant to be...well....what can you do?

well..just came back from the huge 7th annual Halloween party at Detriot St. I honestly think it is my favorite party of the year.... The dancing, the costumes as well as the random people you see. I had this great moment on the dance floor, surrounded by people and realized---hey these are my friends and my secondary family.. And I loved it, and them too. I don't think I have been that happy in a long time.... TGhank God for little mircales.. eh? And if you were wondering, went as a dominatrix with my Curious George Moneky all bound up... Every one loved the costum and the whip.... I had a great time.... There was also two hot guys as Adam and STeve (not Adam and Eve) and they were in next to nothing all night.... Cold but that made certain things impressive... LOL I dream of them tonight.. Yikes.

Okay... so the halloween experience has begun.... I went to Billie's party last night with Kelly, Lizzy, Dack and some other people.... I went as Paul McCrain's character from Fame.... The wig was hot but the parties were a nice warm up for the party tonite.... Hopefully will all have fun tonight..... Wish us luck..... More to come some.

Love My Misfit Family (Or a drunken rant)
So.... I mujst learn to believe the things I know to be true.... Like this magic (know to me as the things work out syndrome).... I was so worried about the entire meeting/workshop thing tomorrow and it has all worked out... My ex-roomie Billie is taking me to the meeting tomorrow and Edie's brother is picking up there.... I guess I should just trust that things are going to be fine and the GREAT BIG SPIIRT thingie won't given me more than I can chew... That there are no excuses just ways to try and rise above the issues of one's life.... That I am fortunate to be surround by great people and that we DO all take care of each other--like a misfit family that fights, has drama but still loves each other and would fight to the end of the world for each other....I think..who knows... I am drunk and giving capable. (notice the lack of the world good... still have that "world is a vampire thing going on within me...)

Oh Halloween.... My favorite holiday.... I get to dress up, act funny with friends that I don't spend enough time with, and is the kick off to the busiest time of year. Tis swell... And as there is always more than one party.... here are possible costumes for the Rorster...

1) The blonde curly haired boy from "Fame".... Leggigs, a wig, and the abilty to cry and dance... (also includes boom box for Irene Cara hits...)

2) Master/dominatrix... All black, a bridle and riding crop/whip... Must work on German accent though...

3) Punked out verision of Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George.... Yellow sweatshirt, yellow baseball cap woren Ashton K. Style and large stuffed monkey.... ALready have at that....

4) White trash.... boxers, socks, wife beater and farrah fawette wig with baseball cap.... easy.

5) Borrow Lizzy's wig and go as the red haired mordern Cher.... Requires gay sidekick (Jack anyone?) and the abilty to dress much younger.... I do have laxtex pants and could borrow shoes from Kelly or Candice....

Ah well... the drama continues... Let you all know if I even fit in the costume....yikes...

Okay..well...went on job interview and it was great... Entry level at an adverstising place, seems fun and small and still kewl.... I'm having a second interview on Monday--a day with the company... we'll see how that goes. A little annoyed that it was futher than Mary said, and thank god Lizzy was able to drive me there after they reschedule me earlier. But still was a good time. Now just have to reschedule my interview for monday to Tuesday I guess? (when it rains it pours....) And now I can relax a little till I find a way to Canoga PArk... All I need is a miracle.....lol!

So...now I am freaking out... Came home from fun little day trip with Lizzy, Natatlie and Dak to find out that I have to go to the meeting this week or I lose my benefits..... AM freaking out..... Cause of damn bus strike issues cannot figure out a way to Canoga Park for this crap. Have to take a 3 HOUR meeting on how to find a job--how to use the internet, retraining classes and other useless crap.... I guess I have to see if there is anyone I can beg to help me out... Though I do also have an interview torromow too..... I am so pissed right now............................... But more freaking out in a why-don't-I-throw-myself-in-traffic kind of way......

I'm in a crappy mood this morning.... Tomorrow I have a job interview to be a reciptionist in Burbank, which is good. I have not had many calls for any of the jobs I have applied to. The bitch is that the Unemployment Department wants me to go in for a workshop thing in Canoga Park and I can't do both... The thing is I could call them and explain the sitatution but I'm worried that they threaten my beneficts.... And I need those... Who knows, maybe they'll be understanding. I have my doubts though.... Keep your fingers crossed.

Okay....after readjusting to Los ANgeles... I have realized the five following things...

1) That true love exists.... Ruby and Heath's weddinh was everything it was supposed to be; magical, funny, touching and very much about their love... That even though it was crazy and stressful at times that evryone had fun and could see the love that they share. And that, for me, is amazing and important to know.

2) That seeing my little baby sister for first time has soon me sevral things... That one, I will be going home more often because that little girl is more than enough of a reason to get on a plane. That I still want children and will never settle for a situtation or with someone where that is not possible. And that life itself is a beatiful thing and I have to thank her for reminding me of that...

3) That my mother understand more than I have given credit for. Talking with her yesterday made me realize that we all have some verison of that self doubt, some verision of second guessing. That the one thing we can hold to is the believe that things happen for a reason and that those dreams we have as a child change for the better. That there are paths of happiness that some that young can't see and not to use that as one's standard for sucess or failure.

4) That I can chubby again... My brother told me I looked better than the last time he saw me, that I need more weight on my frame. That my mother and him both thought I was too skinny... I felt like Bridget Jones for a moment; she gets to keep the weight, the smokes, the booze and the guy. However I would still Like to drop 14-20 pounds...

5) That I have to believe in magic... My friend Lizzy said that was the one sign that things were not going to work out with her ex Reggie.... That he didn't believe in magic.... (By magic, I am refering to fate, destiny, karma, what have you...) That I have to believe that things happen for good reason and that things will work out... That I should go for the long shot job, I should meet up with Cord though I feel ugly at the moment, that I should try for the world and believe that it might possible to get some of it.... Thanks for reminding me of that, my grown up Punky....

So I was cracked out last post.... Blame it on lack of sleep, too much travel, concern about the fires.... what have you. SO in the last post of East-Coast-Based-Navel-Gazing (consider it "Dawson's Creek" gone reality) I guess what I realized is that going home brings me back to places and questions that I have always had about myself... If I have chased the right goals, done everything with what I have been given... That it is not family that makes me crazy but it is myself that I am facing... I don't want to wake up and realize that I was never at my potenial... never gave things my best shot... To quote Paula Cole (and "Dawson's Creek") I don't wanna wait for my life to be over.......

Okay.... So I am the first to admit that my last post was rough.... My mom read it and sent me a response that broke my heart.... I guess I was being too much (as per the norm) and that I stepped on some toes....

What I meant by the last posting was simply that it is rough sometimes.... To face all the things that you aren't sure you want to be. To see the ways that people sometimes miss you... But the harshest point of all is the realization that being home makes me face my self and my decisions...

Going home is like finding my ghost... That 13 year old version of me, of what I thought I would have and could have.... Facing all things that I did right and wrong... That maybe I wasn't ever as clever or talented or as much as I once thought I was.....

I know that sometimes dreams change, that life gives you a new view on the world, that the things you once held dear are as important as you thought.... But it is hard not to wonder where you could have gone if you listen to that kid inside you... That maybe life would be better if I could drink dirty martinis evry Friday, that I haven't put enough effort in love live, that I have given up too soon on things that still seem to matter or that kiddo couldn't make me care. While it is hard to disappoint most people it is much harder to disappoint your self.

So, I'm home for a week right now.... Home being the East Coast, Backwoods Massachuttes, next to protected wetlands and half-hour to the New Hampshire border. And it is as exciting as it sounds....

It's odd to realize that within my first three days here I have regressed back to a light-weight version of my high school self--the only self that my family seems to truly understand. Even though that person has been gone for the last nine years of my life. What is more disturbing is how quickly I have allowed myself back into that role, how easy it is to just be what they want me to be. What they need me to be.

I guess on some level it makes me sad, to realize how much of my life they don't know, don't understand, don't ask about. Part of me knows I could try harder, push the issue... But I don't want to have to spell things out for them... (yes, I'm still gay and it's not going to change anytime soon... Well, unless I met Liza Minelli....She seems to like gay men.....) I don't want to justify Los Angeles... (The weather, that's why I stay... Cause rain is just so inconvenient.... That's the only reason... You watch the news.... You know all the problems there..... Traffic, the governor, gangs... Thank God that CNN and MTV are able to define my city for me... I'm too traumatized to express myself....) But I also wonder why I don't want to push things with them. Try and make them understand.....

Maybe it's because I am finally AN ADULT!!! That I am able to LIVE MY OWN LIFE, free of their JUDGMENTS!!! Or maybe it is something more dark and depressing than that. I do have a theory but I also have a brunch with my Great Aunt, Step-Grandparents and other people waiting in the jury pool that is my family versus the State of Rory Lapointe.