Last Quote of the Week (For 2004)

Lizzie is this year's final winner with this thought about life in general... "I don't want to plan it--I want to be pretty and just show up!" Congrats Lizzie!!! And tomorrow I will announce the quote of 2004!

Words Get In the Way—

So today I read Lucy’s blog, , and it always surprises me how in-synch we can be. She wrote this big long entry about what she believes a blog is meant and not meant to be. It made me laugh because it just shows how we always seem to be on the corner of the same thought. It made me take pause and think about all the things I haven’t written about and all the things I have held back on. More often than not this is due to my audience—the handful of important people in my life who take the trouble to want to know where my head is and how I am feeling. And this is exactly the reason I don’t write about certain things, certain people or thoughts. Because I don’t want to offend people with what I am thinking—not just about them but sometimes about myself and my life. That there are things I think and feel that I don’t want pushed back in my face. It’s about responsibility. And it got me to thinking about that word—responsibility. In a sense it is to take ownership for one’s actions or in this case words. To be held accountable for my thoughts on this page regardless of where this page goes. But I am beginning to think that this is the wrong way to look at it. The truest responsibility I have here in my blog is not to my readers, my friends, or family who read this page, this entry or yesterday’s or tomorrow’s. It is not to be kind or socially acceptable, flattering or even fair. My responsibility here is to be honest—about what I am thinking, feeling, seeing and doing. I write this alone and for no one else but my self. I write about the things I enjoy but also about the things that annoy. I take what is flying about in my head and just set it down to words—there may be grammar and structure but at the end of the day—it is just emotion and feelings being placed somewhere outside of myself. It isn’t meant to be anything more than a place where I spill. This is not an e-mail or phone call, a letter or cocktail conversation—there are things that go here that I don’t need to talk about or become gossip items to be cut and pasted. It is just a moment of time in my life set to words for whatever reasons move me. It is not about you or you or even you. I guess the reason I am writing is that I have no idea who reads this sometimes. I do worry that all this honesty can get me in trouble, that what emotions I have as I type can become reasons or facts to be held against me at a later point. And if that is why you read me—then don’t. And for you that read for just simple pleasure or curiosity then fine. Come in

Last Quote of the Week (for 2004)

Lizzie is this year's final winner with this thought about life in general...

"I don't want to plan it--I want to be pretty and just show up!"

Congrats Lizzie!!! And tomorrow I will announce the quote of 2004!

Currently listening:
Complete Studio Recordings
By Led Zeppelin
Release date: By 24 September, 1993

Words Get In the Way—

So today I read Lucy’s blog, , and it always surprises me how in-synch we can be. She wrote this big long entry about what she believes a blog is meant and not meant to be. It made me laugh because it just shows how we always seem to be on the corner of the same thought.

It made me take pause and think about all the things I haven’t written about and all the things I have held back on. More often than not this is due to my audience—the handful of important people in my life who take the trouble to want to know where my head is and how I am feeling.

And this is exactly the reason I don’t write about certain things, certain people or thoughts. Because I don’t want to offend people with what I am thinking—not just about them but sometimes about myself and my life. That there are things I think and feel that I don’t want pushed back in my face. It’s about responsibility.

And it got me to thinking about that word—responsibility. In a sense it is to take ownership for one’s actions or in this case words. To be held accountable for my thoughts on this page regardless of where this page goes. But I am beginning to think that this is the wrong way to look at it.

The truest responsibility I have here in my blog is not to my readers, my friends, or family who read this page, this entry or yesterday’s or tomorrow’s. It is not to be kind or socially acceptable, flattering or even fair. My responsibility here is to be honest—about what I am thinking, feeling, seeing and doing.

I write this alone and for no one else but my self. I write about the things I enjoy but also about the things that annoy. I take what is flying about in my head and just set it down to words—there may be grammar and structure but at the end of the day—it is just emotion and feelings being placed somewhere outside of myself. It isn’t meant to be anything more than a place where I spill.

This is not an e-mail or phone call, a letter or cocktail conversation—there are things that go here that I don’t need to talk about or become gossip items to be cut and pasted. It is just a moment of time in my life set to words for whatever reasons move me. It is not about you or you or even you.

I guess the reason I am writing is that I have no idea who reads this sometimes. I do worry that all this honesty can get me in trouble, that what emotions I have as I type can become reasons or facts to be held against me at a later point. And if that is why you read me—then don’t. And for you that read for just simple pleasure or curiosity then fine. Come in

Waiting for Number Three

"I'm Waiting for Number Three"
FAREWELL: Celebrated author-essayist-activist Susan Sontag, widely considered one of the most influential social critics of the last 50 years, died Tuesday morning of complications of acute myelogenous leukemia. She was 71. Sontag's seminal works included the 1964 essay "Notes on Camp" and the novels Illness as Metaphor and In America, the latter of which won her a National Book award. NEW YORK - Actor Jerry Orbach, who played a sardonic, seen-it-all cop on TV's "Law & Order" and scored on Broadway as a song-and-dance man, has died of prostate cancer at 69, a representative of the show said Wednesday.

I never

( ) I Never Have Been Drunk

( ) I Never Have Smoked Pot

( ) I Never Have Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex

( ) I Never Have Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex

(x) I Never Crashed A Friend's Car

(x) I Never Have Been To Japan

( ) I Never Rode In A Taxi

( ) I Never Had Anal Sex or given

(x) I Never Have Been In Love

( ) I Never Have Had Sex In Public

( ) I Never Have Been Dumped

( ) I Never Done Cocaine

( ) I Never Shoplifted

(x) I Never Have Been Fired

(x) I Never Been In A Fist Fight

( ) I Never Had group intercourse

( ) I Never Snuck Out Of My Parent's House

( ) I Never Have Been Tied Up

(x) I Never Have Been Caught Masturbating

(x) I Never Pissed On Myself

( ) I Never Had Sex With A Member Of The Same Sex

(x) I Never Been Arrested

( ) I Never Made Out With A Stranger

( ) I Never Stole Something From My Job

(x) I Never Celebrated New Years In Time Square

(x) I Never Went On A Blind Date

( ) I Never Lied To A Friend

( ) I Never Had A Crush On A Teacher

(x) I Never Celebrated Mardi-Gras In New Orleans

(x) I Never Been To Europe

( ) I Never Skipped School

( ) I Never hooked up With A Co-Worker

( ) I Never Cut Myself On Purpose

(x) I Never Had Sex At The Office

(x) I Never Have Been Married

(x) I Never Have Been Divorced

( ) I Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week

( ) I Never Have Posed Nude

(x) I Never Got Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them

(x) I Never Have Killed Anyone

(x) I Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner

(x) I Have Never Thrown Up In A Bar

(x) I Have Never Purposely Set A Part Of Myself On Fire

(x) I Have Never Eaten Sushi

(x) I Have Never Been Snowboarding

( ) I Have Never Had Sex At A Friend's House While They Were Throwing A Party

(x) I Have Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room ((ohh but do I want to!))

(x) I Have Never Flashed Anyone

( ) I Have Never Hooked Up with a Friend's ex girlfriend

Quote of the Week

This comes from Jac and a bottle of wine:

"Marriage? Who said anything about marriage? I just want true love."

"I'm Waiting for Number Three"

FAREWELL: Celebrated author-essayist-activist Susan Sontag, widely considered one of the most influential social critics of the last 50 years, died Tuesday morning of complications of acute myelogenous leukemia. She was 71. Sontag's seminal works included the 1964 essay "Notes on Camp" and the novels Illness as Metaphor and In America, the latter of which won her a National Book award.

NEW YORK - Actor Jerry Orbach, who played a sardonic, seen-it-all cop on TV's "Law & Order" and scored on Broadway as a song-and-dance man, has died of prostate cancer at 69, a representative of the show said Wednesday.

Quote of the Week

This comes from Jac and a bottle of wine:

"Marriage? Who said anything about marriage? I just want true love."

Sibling Fun—Just Not My Own.

It’s raining in Los Angeles, I’m drinking a beer and eating Mandarin Chicken—life is good. I spent the last couple of days with Lola, Rocky and their siblings Simon and Simone. We spent X-Mass day geeking out, watching ‘return of the king’ with commentary only—God I love Dom and Billy—watching lots of videos and just talking, hanging out. It’s so hard for me to get a normal sibling relationship—watching the girls enjoy hanging out with their younger siblings and just getting along. I have never had that. Mike and I were raised to be competitive—a star athlete and the scholar respectively—each parent had a favorite. We were constantly compared in every way and always found lacking in some way. So when I see siblings that get along, have fun and like to hang out—I am always thrown. But it is nice to see and fun to watch. The kids are nice and well mannered and can play at the same level as the sisters. Tis cool. On top of the family fun, Rocky and I had a chance to bond and talk. We discussed the group and how she feels being apart of it, where she fits in and how she sees it. I was impressed by how smart and defiant she is about it all and gave me hope that I could be that way as well. It’s funny to watch someone do all you want to be able to do and see how easy it can be. But the best part of the time away is that it makes being back home much more fun. I’ve been having fun alone in the house and just enjoying my own company. Baths and beer and Bond—James Bond.

Sibling Fun—Just Not My Own.

It’s raining in Los Angeles, I’m drinking a beer and eating Mandarin Chicken—life is good. I spent the last couple of days with Lola, Rocky and their siblings Simon and Simone. We spent X-Mass day geeking out, watching ‘return of the king’ with commentary only—God I love Dom and Billy—watching lots of videos and just talking, hanging out.

It’s so hard for me to get a normal sibling relationship—watching the girls enjoy hanging out with their younger siblings and just getting along. I have never had that. Mike and I were raised to be competitive—a star athlete and the scholar respectively—each parent had a favorite. We were constantly compared in every way and always found lacking in some way.

So when I see siblings that get along, have fun and like to hang out—I am always thrown. But it is nice to see and fun to watch. The kids are nice and well mannered and can play at the same level as the sisters. Tis cool.

On top of the family fun, Rocky and I had a chance to bond and talk. We discussed the group and how she feels being apart of it, where she fits in and how she sees it. I was impressed by how smart and defiant she is about it all and gave me hope that I could be that way as well. It’s funny to watch someone do all you want to be able to do and see how easy it can be.

But the best part of the time away is that it makes being back home much more fun. I’ve been having fun alone in the house and just enjoying my own company. Baths and beer and Bond—James Bond.

The Ghost of Christmas Past—LA style

As the East Coasters sleep in their beds, Rory is still up—thoughts running in his head. (Sorry for the bad poetry—could resist.) Anyways, as I’m on my third beer I can’t help to think about all my holidays here…. My first X-Mass was spent with my Aunt, her 3rd husband and my younger cousins. It was odd because I didn’t know them quite well and was overwhelmed by how they lived. Breakfast with Crystal, caviar and an overworked maid named Conselos. It didn’t help when my mother called and I told what was on the menu—she hates that her sister is rich. Holiday 2 was the holiday where I got so sick on X-Mass Eve that I hid in bed with soup, water and OJ to keep me going. I didn’t go and see anyone because I couldn’t even keep food down. I don’t remember much of it. My third X-Mass was the year I didn’t go anywhere. I was working retail and was working X-Mass Eve as well as the day after so I couldn’t go up the coast with the family. I instead spent the day alone and eating everything in sight and dodging phone calls from family so they couldn’t tell I was depressed. Year 4 was the X-Mass with Emilio—the world’s worst boyfriend. After trying to cook breakfast—yeah, I cooked—I ended up crying briefly in the bathroom. This was followed by Emilio not liking half the presents I gave him and telling me to my face—in a ‘nice’ way. This was then followed my unwrapped present which was tossed at me during a fight. Good times. Year 5 was the ‘we don’t celebrate X-Mass’ with Irene and Naomi. We spent the day at the movies and chased by the Chinese food and random shopping spree. It was fun but odd since Irene didn’t want any mention of the holiday and Naomi being Jewish and not understanding why Irene was upset. I played Rory in the middle. Last year was Drunken Married Sex-Mass. This involved Lizzie, Willis, Bess, Miguel and I getting drunk on X-Mass Eve—this even though I left, had sex with my then-fuck buddy—by playing frat games led by Dax. This was followed by the Chipmunks X-Mass video and lots of porn which resulted in us returning the wrong films. (This doesn’t just happen in films people.) We then went to a dinner party through by our married friends, which was dress up and meant

The Ghost of Christmas Past—LA style

As the East Coasters sleep in their beds, Rory is still up—thoughts running in his head. (Sorry for the bad poetry—could resist.) Anyways, as I’m on my third beer I can’t help to think about all my holidays here….

My first X-Mass was spent with my Aunt, her 3rd husband and my younger cousins. It was odd because I didn’t know them quite well and was overwhelmed by how they lived. Breakfast with Crystal, caviar and an overworked maid named Conselos. It didn’t help when my mother called and I told what was on the menu—she hates that her sister is rich.

Holiday 2 was the holiday where I got so sick on X-Mass Eve that I hid in bed with soup, water and OJ to keep me going. I didn’t go and see anyone because I couldn’t even keep food down. I don’t remember much of it.

My third X-Mass was the year I didn’t go anywhere. I was working retail and was working X-Mass Eve as well as the day after so I couldn’t go up the coast with the family. I instead spent the day alone and eating everything in sight and dodging phone calls from family so they couldn’t tell I was depressed.

Year 4 was the X-Mass with Emilio—the world’s worst boyfriend. After trying to cook breakfast—yeah, I cooked—I ended up crying briefly in the bathroom. This was followed by Emilio not liking half the presents I gave him and telling me to my face—in a ‘nice’ way. This was then followed my unwrapped present which was tossed at me during a fight. Good times.

Year 5 was the ‘we don’t celebrate X-Mass’ with Irene and Naomi. We spent the day at the movies and chased by the Chinese food and random shopping spree. It was fun but odd since Irene didn’t want any mention of the holiday and Naomi being Jewish and not understanding why Irene was upset. I played Rory in the middle.

Last year was Drunken Married Sex-Mass. This involved Lizzie, Willis, Bess, Miguel and I getting drunk on X-Mass Eve—this even though I left, had sex with my then-fuck buddy—by playing frat games led by Dax. This was followed by the Chipmunks X-Mass video and lots of porn which resulted in us returning the wrong films. (This doesn’t just happen in films people.) We then went to a dinner party through by our married friends, which was dress up and meant to be cultured but instead was all about hung over guests and annoyed chefs….

And this year? Who knows?

This is Creepy

I'm in love with Donovan Patton--do you know who that is? The host of 'Blue's Clues' and just the yummiest guy ever. And today was the love day special and so he kept saying to the screen--since it's a kid show--I love you and I just melted. I am so pathetic

Misfit Toys Unite

It’s been a weird couple of days—being alone in the apartment and just slumming around and doing nothing and quite well. Each Christmas for the past 6 years I have spent it away from my family for various reasons such as work, money or just because. People find this odd, that I don’t make the effort to fly back East, to have my family fly out or just fly home. I have never really been a huge fan of Christmas—don’t get me wrong, I like presents and parties, giving cool gifts and surprising people. But with my mom’s collection of husbands and in-laws I never felt like I belonged in anyone place. My birth dad’s family wasn’t really around, my dad’s family was very religious and of the mindset that kids don’t matter much less the kids of another man. Then there was my step dad’s family that didn’t know how to handle kids at all since most were not born yet or much older than us. And my mom’s family wasn’t all that great either—my grandparents were divorced and not speaking to each other so combined with the tension between my mom and grandfather about me of all things—even as a toddler I could feel the drama. The only place I ever felt I belonged was at my Great Uncle Bob’s house—the large Haworth brood in full effect without my grandfather to ruin it. It was show tunes and booze, slot machine and a huge mansion to hide in. But regardless of where we were, the best part of each holiday was the Christmas specials. My brother and I would watch each of them religiously regardless of whether we liked them or not and we each had our favorite. My brother loved the ‘Star Wars’ Christmas special and I was fond of all the clay-mation specials. But I had one favorite part of fall. I loved all the misfits toys on the Island of Misfits Toys—the dolly with out a nose, the broken jack-in-the-box, the square wheeled train and of course the polka dot elephant. I loved the fact that all the unwanted, broken toys had a home of their own—a place that they belonged because even then I knew that I was one of them. A misfit. The only part of the special that disturbed me was when they were fixed and brought to the deserving children of the world. I knew back then I didn’t want to be fixed or that I even needed to be. My mother used to tell me how I cried as a toddler when the toys were gone. I don’t remember it but it wouldn’t be surprising. I guess where I am going with this is that I still feel that way today. I don’t go home because I like to be here—on my island of misfit toys. I like feeling like I don’t have to make myself belong or belong to someone else to have worth. That while going home isn’t the end of the world—it’s not somewhere I need to be to feel special. I’m proud of that about myself and if that makes me a misfit—so be it.

This is Creepy
Current mood: guilty

I'm in love with Donovan Patton--do you know who that is? The host of 'Blue's Clues' and just the yummiest guy ever. And today was the love day special and so he kept saying to the screen--since it's a kid show--I love you and I just melted. I am so pathetic

Currently watching:
Blue's Clues - Get to Know Joe
Release date: By 13 May, 2003

Misfit Toys Unite

It’s been a weird couple of days—being alone in the apartment and just slumming around and doing nothing and quite well. Each Christmas for the past 6 years I have spent it away from my family for various reasons such as work, money or just because. People find this odd, that I don’t make the effort to fly back East, to have my family fly out or just fly home.

I have never really been a huge fan of Christmas—don’t get me wrong, I like presents and parties, giving cool gifts and surprising people. But with my mom’s collection of husbands and in-laws I never felt like I belonged in anyone place. My birth dad’s family wasn’t really around, my dad’s family was very religious and of the mindset that kids don’t matter much less the kids of another man. Then there was my step dad’s family that didn’t know how to handle kids at all since most were not born yet or much older than us.

And my mom’s family wasn’t all that great either—my grandparents were divorced and not speaking to each other so combined with the tension between my mom and grandfather about me of all things—even as a toddler I could feel the drama. The only place I ever felt I belonged was at my Great Uncle Bob’s house—the large Haworth brood in full effect without my grandfather to ruin it. It was show tunes and booze, slot machine and a huge mansion to hide in.

But regardless of where we were, the best part of each holiday was the Christmas specials. My brother and I would watch each of them religiously regardless of whether we liked them or not and we each had our favorite. My brother loved the ‘Star Wars’ Christmas special and I was fond of all the clay-mation specials. But I had one favorite part of fall.

I loved all the misfits toys on the Island of Misfits Toys—the dolly with out a nose, the broken jack-in-the-box, the square wheeled train and of course the polka dot elephant. I loved the fact that all the unwanted, broken toys had a home of their own—a place that they belonged because even then I knew that I was one of them. A misfit.

The only part of the special that disturbed me was when they were fixed and brought to the deserving children of the world. I knew back then I didn’t want to be fixed or that I even needed to be. My mother used to tell me how I cried as a toddler when the toys were gone. I don’t remember it but it wouldn’t be surprising.

I guess where I am going with this is that I still feel that way today. I don’t go home because I like to be here—on my island of misfit toys. I like feeling like I don’t have to make myself belong or belong to someone else to have worth. That while going home isn’t the end of the world—it’s not somewhere I need to be to feel special. I’m proud of that about myself and if that makes me a misfit—so be it.

This is true for all of us--

This came from Lola and oh so true....

"Having recently spent a few nights like this I thought it appropriate to send along the wisdom:

21 SIGNS A GIRL SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT . . . . .

1. She has absolutely no idea where her purse is.

2. She believes that dancing with her arms overhead and
wiggling her butt while yelling "WOO-HOO" is truly the sexiest dance move
ever.

3. She suddenly decides that she wants to kick someone's
ass and honestly believes she could do it too.

4. During her her last trip to the ladies room she realizes that she
now looks more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess she did just four
hours ago.

5. She drops her 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, which she picks up and
eats even though she's not the least bit hungry.

6. She starts crying and telling everyone she sees that
she loves them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before she is due to
start work

8. She has found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek
sitting next to her.

9. The man she's flirting with used to be her 5th grade
teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a
Table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. Her eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so she keeps them half closed and thinks it looks exotically sexy.

12. She suddenly takes up smoking and becomes really good at
it.

13. She yells at the bartender, who (she believes) cheated
by giving her just lemonade in her last drink, when really
she can no longer taste the gin.

14. She thinks she's in bed, but the pillow feels strangely
like the kitchen floor.

15. She starts every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take
this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. She fails to notice that the toilet lid's down when she
sits on it.

17. Her hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. She's tired so she just sits on the floor (wherever she
happens to be standing) to take a quick nap.

19. She begins leaving the buttons open on her button fly
pants to cut down on the time she's in the bathroom and away from her drink.

20. She takes her shoes off because she believes it's their
fault that she is having problems walking straight.

21. She starts believing that everyone in the room wants to
see her boobs. "

First

FIRSTS
01. First best friend: hope Taylor
02. First car: haven’t had one, bad driver
03. First crush: Chris Grant
04. First kiss: Michael Dawson
05. First job: assistant at seismology company
06. First roommate: the Jens

LASTS
01. Last kiss: Chance
02. Last good cry: Thursday night
04. Last movie seen: Aviator
05. Last beverage drank: black coffee
06. Last food consumed: veggie burger
07. Last crush: Chance
08. Last phone call: Edie
09. Last time showered: 8 hours ago
10. Last shoes worn: slip ons
11. Last item bought: Gwen Stefani album
12. Last annoyance: gossip
13. Last time wanting to die: last year during infection
14. Last time scolded: never
15. Last bar/club you were at: Oil Can Harry’s
RANDOM
01. Who are your best friends? Ruby, Edie, Kelly and Kirby
02. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope
03. How long have you been together?
04. How long was your longest? 2 yrs
05. Have you ever cheated? Hmm
06. Been cheated on? Hmmm
07. Do you still talk to your childhood friends? Nope
08. How many best friends did you have growing up? Two great ones
FASHION
01. Where is your favorite place to shop? Bookstores
02. Any tattoos or piercing? One piercing
03. What’s your favorite article of clothing? None
04. What would you die without? Laptop
05. What’s your favorite thing to buy? Clothes
SPECIFICS
01. Do you do drugs? Used to
02. What kind of shampoo do you use? Beach Blond
03. What are you most scared of? Crying girls
04. What are you listening to right now? ‘Family Guy’
05. Where do you want to get married? Bryant Point, Nantucket
06. How many buddies are online right now? More than 5
07. What would you change about yourself? My narcissism
08. Pets? None.
FAVORITES
01. Color: Red, Gold and orange
02. Food: Chinese
03. Boys’ names: Elijah, Joaquin
04. Girls’ names: Robin, Lilith
05. Subjects in school: English, history art and creative writing
06. Animals: panda
07. Sport: soccer, hockey
08. Perfume: Candy’s
09. Holiday: New Years
10. Place you've traveled: Boston, LA, Nantucket, Las Vegas, and Puerto Rico
HAVE YOU EVER
01. Given anyone a bath? Yes—I was nanny.
03. Bungee jumped? Nope
04. Made yourself throw up? Yes
05. Skinny-dipped? Yes
06: been in love? Never
07. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? Nope
08. Pictured your crush naked? Nope
09. Actually seen your crush naked? Nope
10. Cried when someone died? Yes
11. Lied? Hmm
12. Fallen for a friend? Yes
13. Been rejected? Oh yeah
14. Rejected someone? Yes
15. Used someone? Yes
16. Done something you regret? Yes
17. Had a threesome? Yes and it didn’t help
CURRENT 01. Clothes: Sweater, swim trunks, slip on’s
02. Music: none
03. Make-up: none
04. Annoyance: none
05. Smell: Ocean breeze
06. Favorite artist: Rufus
07. Desktop picture: Carrie Bradshaw
08. Dvd in player: ‘Beautiful Thing’
09. Color of toenails: clear
10. Weekend plans: Partied on Friday—dinner with Kirby and movies with Naomi
11. Frustrations: social
LAST PERSON
01. You touched: Naomi with hug
02. You IMed: Kirby
03. You saw: Naomi
04. You had dinner with: Naomi
05. You kissed: hmm
06. You hugged: Naomi
07. You had drinks with: Lola and Rocky
WHO DO YOU WANNA
01. Kill: none
02. Slap: Skylar
03. Look like: boring ...
04. Talk to offline: Edie
05. Talk to online: Chance
06. Kiss: Chance
07. Visit: Chloe and Lucy
08. Hang out with more: Chloe and Lucy

FIRSTS

01. First best friend: hope Taylor
02. First car: haven’t had one, bad driver
03. First crush: Chris Grant
04. First kiss: Michael Dawson
05. First job: assistant at seismology company
06. First roommate: the Jens

LASTS

01. Last kiss: Chance
02. Last good cry: Thursday night
04. Last movie seen: Aviator
05. Last beverage drank: black coffee
06. Last food consumed: veggie burger
07. Last crush: Chance
08. Last phone call: Edie
09. Last time showered: 8 hours ago
10. Last shoes worn: slip ons
11. Last item bought: Gwen Stefani album
12. Last annoyance: gossip
13. Last time wanting to die: last year during infection
14. Last time scolded: never
15. Last bar/club you were at: Oil Can Harry’s

RANDOM

01. Who are your best friends? Ruby, Edie, Kelly and Kirby
02. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope
03. How long have you been together?
04. How long was your longest? 2 yrs
05. Have you ever cheated? Hmm
06. Been cheated on? Hmmm
07. Do you still talk to your childhood friends? Nope
08. How many best friends did you have growing up? Two great ones

FASHION

01. Where is your favorite place to shop? Bookstores
02. Any tattoos or piercing? One piercing
03. What’s your favorite article of clothing? None
04. What would you die without? Laptop
05. What’s your favorite thing to buy? Clothes

SPECIFICS

01. Do you do drugs? Used to
02. What kind of shampoo do you use? Beach Blond
03. What are you most scared of? Crying girls
04. What are you listening to right now? ‘Family Guy’
05. Where do you want to get married? Bryant Point, Nantucket
06. How many buddies are online right now? More than 5
07. What would you change about yourself? My narcissism
08. Pets? None.

FAVORITES

01. Color: Red, Gold and orange
02. Food: Chinese
03. Boys’ names: Elijah, Joaquin
04. Girls’ names: Robin, Lilith
05. Subjects in school: English, history art and creative writing
06. Animals: panda
07. Sport: soccer, hockey
08. Perfume: Candy’s
09. Holiday: New Years
10. Place you've traveled: Boston, LA, Nantucket, Las Vegas, and Puerto Rico

HAVE YOU EVER

01. Given anyone a bath? Yes—I was nanny.
03. Bungee jumped? Nope
04. Made yourself throw up? Yes
05. Skinny-dipped? Yes
06: been in love? Never
07. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? Nope
08. Pictured your crush naked? Nope
09. Actually seen your crush naked? Nope
10. Cried when someone died? Yes
11. Lied? Hmm
12. Fallen for a friend? Yes
13. Been rejected? Oh yeah
14. Rejected someone? Yes
15. Used someone? Yes
16. Done something you regret? Yes
17. Had a threesome? Yes and it didn’t help

CURRENT

01. Clothes: Sweater, swim trunks, slip on’s
02. Music: none
03. Make-up: none
04. Annoyance: none
05. Smell: Ocean breeze
06. Favorite artist: Rufus
07. Desktop picture: Carrie Bradshaw
08. Dvd in player: ‘Beautiful Thing’
09. Color of toenails: clear
10. Weekend plans: Partied on Friday—dinner with Kirby and movies with Naomi
11. Frustrations: social

LAST PERSON

01. You touched: Naomi with hug
02. You IMed: Kirby
03. You saw: Naomi
04. You had dinner with: Naomi
05. You kissed: hmm
06. You hugged: Naomi
07. You had drinks with: Lola and Rocky

WHO DO YOU WANNA

01. Kill: none
02. Slap: Skylar
03. Look like: boring ...
04. Talk to offline: Edie
05. Talk to online: Chance
06. Kiss: Chance
07. Visit: Chloe and Lucy
08. Hang out with more: Chloe and Lucy

RIP

When it was good--it wasn't that great. But what can you do?

More to come later

Long time--no write

Sorry I’ve been holding back kiddos… Have been dealing with some odd yet important information that I have been given and can’t do anything about. Don’t you just hate when you are told something important then—oh you aren’t supposed to know or say anything about it. Yeah. That’s what I have been dealing with. But nonetheless—I just started my vacation for which I am VERY excited. The Shat show gets more complicated every week that I’m there—between what the producers want and the network wants and now all the writers have left the show but me so—it’s been busy and hard. I am glad to not think about it for 15 days!!! Yeah!!! I have many little plans set for my time off—side adventures for LA and other places as well. I’m very excited to just take some me time and write and roam without borders. LOL. Though I do wish I had time to go to the one place that I want to go but I guess Lucy and Chloe will have to wait till this show is done. Of course there is all the misfit factor this Chrisnnukah—I don’t know who’s still in Los Angeles and I don’t think I really care. But I should find out and at least check in with them all. It’s the nice thing to do. Outside of that—I am boring as of right now.

Big Shock Here


Elizabeth Bennet: intelligent, outgoing,
passionate, loving


What Jane Austin
brought to you by Quizilla

Long time, no write…

Sorry I’ve been holding back kiddos… Have been dealing with some odd yet important information that I have been given and can’t do anything about. Don’t you just hate when you are told something important then—oh you aren’t supposed to know or say anything about it. Yeah. That’s what I have been dealing with.

But nonetheless—I just started my vacation for which I am VERY excited. The Shat show gets more complicated every week that I’m there—between what the producers want and the network wants and now all the writers have left the show but me so—it’s been busy and hard. I am glad to not think about it for 15 days!!! Yeah!!!

I have many little plans set for my time off—side adventures for LA and other places as well. I’m very excited to just take some me time and write and roam without borders. LOL. Though I do wish I had time to go to the one place that I want to go but I guess Lucy and Chloe will have to wait till this show is done.

Of course there is all the misfit factor this Chrisnnukah—I don’t know who’s still in Los Angeles and I don’t think I really care. But I should find out and at least check in with them all. It’s the nice thing to do.

Outside of that—I am boring as of right now.

Quote of the Week

Chloe called this one dead-on

"I'm always befriending in hopes of befucking."

Your toaster and copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" will be in the mail shortly. Keep up the good work and good bless.

Quote of the Week

Chloe called this one dead-on

"I'm always befriending in hopes of befucking."

Your toaster and copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" will be in the mail shortly. Keep up the good work and good bless.

The Real Me


Oscar Wilde: The Portrait of Dorian Gray. You are a
horror novel from the world of dandies, rich
pretty boys, art and aesthetics, and
intellectual debates between ethical people and
decadent pleasure-seekers. You value beauty and
pleasure but realize their dangers, as well.


Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yes I retook the quiz--I am not Flowers of Evil. (God I hate that book.)

Charles Baudelaire: The Flowers of Evil. You are
one of the most loved and hated poetic works.
Death and decadence are important themes for
you, but none should overlook your impressive
aesthetics, either. Deep down youre not evil at
all, you just like to play the tough guy on the
block.


Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This Sums it up

You walk like a whore, you act like a whore, you're going to meet and attract whores. Nothing wrong with that... plenty of them do it and are fine with it.

Where I am at…

Where I am at… So I haven’t posted anything new in a bit—I would love to say that I have been crazy busy, doing fun things and out and about but I haven’t. I’ve been a little hectic between work, Christmas shopping and trying to make time for everyone I can before they all leave town for the holidays. But on top of that—my Vacation posting seemed to cause quite a stir and I was taken to task multiple times by various people. I was told that it was all in my head, that maybe I was in the rut and not changing at all and so projecting my issues on others. First of all, I really though that this was all my choice and not something for everyone to jump on me about—that my journal implied my thoughts and not a debate where I was wrong. I get why people said all these things though and can’t be that upset about it. But it got me thinking a lot and I realized that I have changed a lot in the past year and actually not in a rut at all. Quite the opposite. In the past year I had something I wrote performed on the Los Angeles stage and another piece filmed. I acted for the first time in years, and for the first time in 10 years I actually got behind the camera and filmed a film. I helped (some might say saved) a political theatre production. I decorated my first loft for a client ever! I started a career this past year and made huge forward movement to the point that I am getting paid to write for television—something I would have never guessed would have happened this time last year. I took risks with the jobs I went after and succeeded each time. In terms of my love life, I realized that my heart still works and that I don’t have to believe that the right one doesn’t exist. I had 2 of the most romantic moments of my life in the past year because I was honest and went after what I want as opposed to just talking about it. Did I get everything I wanted out of the situation—no but I learned that I shouldn’t be afraid to go after bright and shiny boys. That is huge for me. My friendships grew so much, not only with new people in my life but with people I never thought it was possible. I was honest and risked one of my best friendships by saying what I felt and needed from her and we both grew closer because of it. And I was honest and open with people in a way I never thought I could be. I owned my personal history and risked a lot by telling all my truths and realized that I am loved despite all my faults. It was my biggest fear and I got beyond it and grew stronger for it. So am I in a rut? I don’t believe so at all. I think this past year has been one of the hardest, scariest, and riskiest but it was worth it. And I guess I just want the people I love to try and move forward too. It made me sad to watch people make choices that weren’t making them happy and there is nothing I can do to help them and that is why

Where I am at…

So I haven’t posted anything new in a bit—I would love to say that I have been crazy busy, doing fun things and out and about but I haven’t. I’ve been a little hectic between work, Christmas shopping and trying to make time for everyone I can before they all leave town for the holidays.

But on top of that—my Vacation posting seemed to cause quite a stir and I was taken to task multiple times by various people. I was told that it was all in my head, that maybe I was in the rut and not changing at all and so projecting my issues on others. First of all, I really though that this was all my choice and not something for everyone to jump on me about—that my journal implied my thoughts and not a debate where I was wrong.

I get why people said all these things though and can’t be that upset about it. But it got me thinking a lot and I realized that I have changed a lot in the past year and actually not in a rut at all. Quite the opposite.

In the past year I had something I wrote performed on the Los Angeles stage and another piece filmed. I acted for the first time in years, and for the first time in 10 years I actually got behind the camera and filmed a film. I helped (some might say saved) a political theatre production. I decorated my first loft for a client ever!

I started a career this past year and made huge forward movement to the point that I am getting paid to write for television—something I would have never guessed would have happened this time last year. I took risks with the jobs I went after and succeeded each time.

In terms of my love life, I realized that my heart still works and that I don’t have to believe that the right one doesn’t exist. I had 2 of the most romantic moments of my life in the past year because I was honest and went after what I want as opposed to just talking about it. Did I get everything I wanted out of the situation—no but I learned that I shouldn’t be afraid to go after bright and shiny boys. That is huge for me.

My friendships grew so much, not only with new people in my life but with people I never thought it was possible. I was honest and risked one of my best friendships by saying what I felt and needed from her and we both grew closer because of it.

And I was honest and open with people in a way I never thought I could be. I owned my personal history and risked a lot by telling all my truths and realized that I am loved despite all my faults. It was my biggest fear and I got beyond it and grew stronger for it.

So am I in a rut? I don’t believe so at all. I think this past year has been one of the hardest, scariest, and riskiest but it was worth it. And I guess I just want the people I love to try and move forward too. It made me sad to watch people make choices that weren’t making them happy and there is nothing I can do to help them and that is why I need to stay away for a bit. I don’t want to judge the people I love.

30 things to do before the inauguration:

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.
3. Cash your social security check.
4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
5. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild.
6. Visit Syria, or any foreign country for that matter.
7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
8. Hoard gasoline.
9. Practice a religion of your own choosing.
10. Borrow books from library before they're banned - Constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer, etc.
11. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix - do it now.
12. Come out - then go back in - HURRY!
13. Jam in all the Alzheimer's stem cell research you can.
14. Stay out late before the curfews start.
15. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
16. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
17. Use the phrase - "you can't do that - this is America".
18. If you're white - marry a black person, if you're black - marry a white person.
19. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.
20. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
21. Start your school day without a prayer.
22. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
23. Learn French.
24. Attend a commitment ceremony with your gay friends.
25. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
26. Try to take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
27. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
28. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
29. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".
30. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a State

Random Discoveries

Random Discoveries Various people have been asking what happened with the Chance situation and I have been very light on the details of what went down. I guess because I was disappointed by what I thought happened and now that I know what really went down, well… When Chance and I hung out on Halloween Night everything seemed really good and fun and just moving forward. Later that night as I left, Joy and I discussed how Chance seemed into me and Joy talked about Chance and her conversation when I was gone. The conversation was about me not having a car or cell phone and Chance couldn’t believe that. Now I’m not an idiot—I realized when I didn’t hear from Chance that this conversation was probably the biggest clue as to why. The “not having a car” can be a big no selling point about me—especially when it comes to dating. So I just chalked it up to that and I couldn’t really blame him. It wasn’t until recently that I got any idea as to how he found this all out. That it was just kind of bluntly told to him by Anita in a random social setting. That is was just kind of thrown at him in a “Why am I here? Cause Rory needed a ride to come and see you.” This is important in a major way. When it comes to telling people about my car deal I tend to go about it in a particular way. For me it’s not a huge deal most of the time—I can get places easily in most cases and have figured out how to live this way without much complication and I tell people as much. In other words, I may not have a car but I still get around and have a great time, great jobs and even a great social life. And this is not a lie. But most people if they learn this info by accident or from the wrong people hear it like this—Rory can’t go cause he can’t get there. Rory doesn’t do that because he can’t find a way there. And this comes across as a limitation of huge proportions. It’s not. Now in terms of Chance, I just assumed that this was his excuse not to try and pursue anything with me, and what I mean by excuse is this—Chance is shy and not very forthcoming in some ways. He knew Lizzie for 4years before he told her he was gay—he is younger than me by a couple of years—he is still working on getting comfortable with being gay. I know that he hasn’t ever had a boyfriend so I just assumed he saw this as a way out. But now I wonder if he, because of how Anita told him about the car stuff, if he thinks that I’m incapable of doing stuff and he didn’t want to get all caught up. That I would be a dead weight due to the lack of a car and so he just decided not to get too attached because it would be a huge hurdle. Because that is not true at all. I guess this is a hard thing to explain—that the way Chance found out the car thing is more important than the car thing itself. It like being told someone’s pregnant. It can be told as a positive or told in a negative light. I just assumed that Chance had found out the car thing in a positive way and used it as an excuse to not try anything as opposed to hearing it as a Rory’s incapable of doing things and being misled that the car situation would be his fault or issue to deal with. I guess it doesn’t matter—he’s not that into to me if he wasn’t willing to try. And I’m a loser for even thinking about him at all—much less for wanting to go to his concert on the 18th.

celebrity polyhusbandry

Defination of the Week. I found this-- "A celebrity husband is the adult version of the star crush you had as a teenager. But it's a lot more fun, since you no longer have to beg your parents for outrageously expensive front-row tickets. It's completely appropriate to have a celebrity husband and already be legally married (as I am). It's also perfectly OK to have more than one celebrity husband (aka celebrity polyhusbandry). Trust me, they don't mind." Who's yours?

Quote of the Week

Quote of the Week This week's winner is Joy with-- "I'm FEMinem" In regards to being a female rapper.

My Babydaddy Does An Interview....

Dominic Monaghan currently plays Charlie, the burned-out rocker stranded on an isle of the damned on ABC's Lost. But as the Dec. 14 release of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Special Extended DVD Version approaches, we're bringing him back to his life and times as Frodo's fellow hobbit, Merry Brandybuck. Specifically, TV Guide Online wants the scoop on those gay rumors — both on-screen and off. Was there ever anything behind Frodo and Sam's legendary longing looks? And just how close were boon companions Merry and Pippin? Or were those hairy-footed hobbits — and their cute portrayers — just friends? Here, Monaghan dishes the dirt.

TV Guide Online: You've got a big female fan base. Are you still unattached?
Dominic Monaghan: I am. I'm working so much. I still enjoy female company, but in terms of anything really serious, that's not really where my head's at.

TVGO: Your good pal Billy Boyd (Pippin) has a serious girlfriend, right?
Monaghan: Yes, Billy's been seeing the same girl now for about three years, which is terribly heartbreaking to me. No more long winter nights together like we used to. No, that's not true.





TVGO: Um, since you brought it up...
Monaghan: There's been scandalous gay rumors like that flying around me and Elijah [Wood], and me and Billy. I remember reading in the press that I had stayed at Elijah's house — and [that] we had made up some rumor that I was seeing Elijah's sister, so that Elijah and I could continue our lurid affair with each other. It cracks us both up.

TVGO: Wow!
Monaghan: And then there's stuff about me and Billy being lovers because we're such good friends. It's an interesting thing, because you look at Kate Hudson and Liv Tyler, actresses who are tight [friends]. There's never any stuff like "Oooh, maybe they're gay." But with guys, it's like the media and the fans can't come to terms with the fact that guys can be so connected in that way. We can be overjoyed to be in each other's company.

TVGO: Playing hobbits probably helped the rumors. The joke goes like this: Why are hobbits like Englishmen?
Monaghan: Why?

TVGO: They sure seem gay.
Monaghan: (Laughs) That's a great joke! But sure, there's a connection. Hobbits are very openhearted. They're very genuine. They're very pure with their emotions. If they feel love, they show it. If they're sad, they cry. [Director] Pete [Jackson] cast four hobbits who were very open with their emotions. I do love Billy and Elijah and Sean [Astin]. They're my brothers. I'd do anything for them, and I really enjoy being in their space and I miss them when they're not around. If that for some reason is translated into being gay, then I think that's a real shame.

TVGO: Ah, but let's quiz you on some interesting hobbit lore: Where did Pippin and Merry die in the books?
Monaghan: They leave the Shire and they go to Rohan to give their tribute to the kings there. And then, they go to Gondor and they see Faramir and Eowyn. I think they both die in Gondor and are buried next to each other, which is a really beautiful thing.

TVGO: Right you are, Dom. Right you are. Hmm...

Random Discoveries

Various people have been asking what happened with the Chance situation and I have been very light on the details of what went down. I guess because I was disappointed by what I thought happened and now that I know what really went down, well…

When Chance and I hung out on Halloween Night everything seemed really good and fun and just moving forward. Later that night as I left, Joy and I discussed how Chance seemed into me and Joy talked about Chance and her conversation when I was gone. The conversation was about me not having a car or cell phone and Chance couldn’t believe that.

Now I’m not an idiot—I realized when I didn’t hear from Chance that this conversation was probably the biggest clue as to why. The “not having a car” can be a big no selling point about me—especially when it comes to dating. So I just chalked it up to that and I couldn’t really blame him.

It wasn’t until recently that I got any idea as to how he found this all out. That it was just kind of bluntly told to him by Anita in a random social setting. That is was just kind of thrown at him in a “Why am I here? Cause Rory needed a ride to come and see you.” This is important in a major way.

When it comes to telling people about my car deal I tend to go about it in a particular way. For me it’s not a huge deal most of the time—I can get places easily in most cases and have figured out how to live this way without much complication and I tell people as much. In other words, I may not have a car but I still get around and have a great time, great jobs and even a great social life.

And this is not a lie. But most people if they learn this info by accident or from the wrong people hear it like this—Rory can’t go cause he can’t get there. Rory doesn’t do that because he can’t find a way there. And this comes across as a limitation of huge proportions. It’s not.

Now in terms of Chance, I just assumed that this was his excuse not to try and pursue anything with me, and what I mean by excuse is this—Chance is shy and not very forthcoming in some ways. He knew Lizzie for 4years before he told her he was gay—he is younger than me by a couple of years—he is still working on getting comfortable with being gay. I know that he hasn’t ever had a boyfriend so I just assumed he saw this as a way out.

But now I wonder if he, because of how Anita told him about the car stuff, if he thinks that I’m incapable of doing stuff and he didn’t want to get all caught up. That I would be a dead weight due to the lack of a car and so he just decided not to get too attached because it would be a huge hurdle. Because that is not true at all.

I guess this is a hard thing to explain—that the way Chance found out the car thing is more important than the car thing itself. It like being told someone’s pregnant. It can be told as a positive or told in a negative light. I just assumed that Chance had found out the car thing in a positive way and used it as an excuse to not try anything as opposed to hearing it as a Rory’s incapable of doing things and being misled that the car situation would be his fault or issue to deal with.

I guess it doesn’t matter—he’s not that into to me if he wasn’t willing to try. And I’m a loser for even thinking about him at all—much less for wanting to go to his concert on the 18th.

Defination of the Week.

I found this--

"A celebrity husband is the adult version of the star crush you had as a teenager. But it's a lot more fun, since you no longer have to beg your parents for outrageously expensive front-row tickets. It's completely appropriate to have a celebrity husband and already be legally married (as I am). It's also perfectly OK to have more than one celebrity husband (aka celebrity polyhusbandry). Trust me, they don't mind."

Who's yours?

VACATION

So I’m taking a social vacation. And if you offended by that—well you probably the reason I’m taking one. It isn’t one person or event; it isn’t a pinpoint in time or a seasonal thing. It’s a combination of bad behavior, selfish deeds and reruns of a pathetic nature. It’s watching the same people make the same mistakes—going home with people who won’t like them or working every guy in the room until one is willing to go home with you. It’s watching smart people through themselves at drunken fools and believing that that is the high point of the evening. It’s realizing that you have to be careful who you talk to because Valeska isn’t speaking to Jennifer or Kelly and Lizzie have tension and are playing popularity games. It’s the “friends” who don’t care about the people they claim to like and instead want to make it all about them. It’s about people who are repeating old patterns and recreating old drama with past hook ups that don’t like them and new crushes that never will. It’s the drunken person at the party who always wants to be your friend yet they backstab you by telling lies or secrets. It’s not getting invited to the big events or even getting a phone call or e-mail from your “best friends”. It’s about always doing what they want all the time at the same place. It’s watching them make out with 50 year olds and then acting surprised. It’s about people who refuse to grow up or change or get help and yet they still want you to deal with their drama. It’s enough. I’m tired of care taking, getting the late night phone calls, playing doctor to all your problems—the same problems that you refuse to change. So I’m taking a break—as of this Saturday I will be dropping off the social scene. I need to find something more fulfilling and less sad then watching people I love just hurt themselves in the all ways they can. I’m getting older and am seeing more of what I don’t want out of life. So I’m gonna go off for a bit and see the world. Even if it is no further than Los Angeles there is still a lot more to see than this cable access “Melrose Place”. I’m sorry if any feelings have been hurt by this but you are reading my journal. At your own risk.

I'm a Bitch!!!

OHMIGOD--I'm A BITCH!!! I just sent this e-mail to Jeremy--the ghost of Xmas Past--as now. We have totally hooked up before--this time last year as a matter of fact. Were you the guy that was asking me to help find him a job and had the boyfriend living with you and then dumped? Whoa--I think I am offically tired of men's bullshit! His response? I don't think so And then he sends me his pix which is the same one I have from last year... I am so debating letting him come over and just not doing anything with him--pulling a Kelly just to blue ball him!

VACATION

So I’m taking a social vacation. And if you offended by that—well you probably the reason I’m taking one. It isn’t one person or event; it isn’t a pinpoint in time or a seasonal thing. It’s a combination of bad behavior, selfish deeds and reruns of a pathetic nature.

It’s watching the same people make the same mistakes—going home with people who won’t like them or working every guy in the room until one is willing to go home with you. It’s watching smart people through themselves at drunken fools and believing that that is the high point of the evening.

It’s realizing that you have to be careful who you talk to because Valeska isn’t speaking to Jennifer or Kelly and Lizzie have tension and are playing popularity games. It’s the “friends” who don’t care about the people they claim to like and instead want to make it all about them.

It’s about people who are repeating old patterns and recreating old drama with past hook ups that don’t like them and new crushes that never will. It’s the drunken person at the party who always wants to be your friend yet they backstab you by telling lies or secrets.

It’s not getting invited to the big events or even getting a phone call or e-mail from your “best friends”. It’s about always doing what they want all the time at the same place. It’s watching them make out with 50 year olds and then acting surprised.

It’s about people who refuse to grow up or change or get help and yet they still want you to deal with their drama. It’s enough. I’m tired of care taking, getting the late night phone calls, playing doctor to all your problems—the same problems that you refuse to change.

So I’m taking a break—as of this Saturday I will be dropping off the social scene. I need to find something more fulfilling and less sad then watching people I love just hurt themselves in the all ways they can. I’m getting older and am seeing more of what I don’t want out of life.

So I’m gonna go off for a bit and see the world. Even if it is no further than Los Angeles there is still a lot more to see than this cable access “Melrose Place”. I’m sorry if any feelings have been hurt by this but you are reading my journal. At your own risk.

Quote of the Week

This week's winner is Joy with--

"I'm FEMinem"

In regards to being a female rapper.

Just Shoot Me Already

Just Shoot Me Already So things are getting better—between the surprise amount of random e-mails, a sweet message from Chloe and Lucy and a midnight visit with Ruby and things just seemed to clear up all around. That and now I feel like I have such a great grasp on my job and feel like I can get it down and moving forward. That within itself makes the job great regardless how long it lasts so I guess that’s good…. But I am feeling like a want a boyfriend—crap—I’m one of those people

OHMIGOD--I'm A BITCH!!!

I just sent this e-mail to Jeremy--the ghost of Xmas Past--as now.

We have totally hooked up before--this time last year as a matter of fact. Were you the guy that was asking me to help find him a job and had the boyfriend living with you and then dumped?

Whoa--I think I am offically tired of men's bullshit!

His response?

I don't think so

And then he sends me his pix which is the same one I have from last year... I am so debating letting him come over and just not doing anything with him--pulling a Kelly just to blue ball him!

Just Shoot Me Already

So things are getting better—between the surprise amount of random e-mails, a sweet message from Chloe and Lucy and a midnight visit with Ruby and things just seemed to clear up all around.

That and now I feel like I have such a great grasp on my job and feel like I can get it down and moving forward. That within itself makes the job great regardless how long it lasts so I guess that’s good….

But I am feeling like a want a boyfriend—crap—I’m one of those people…

Rory, Boy, You in Danger…

So I had a long talk with JC with about the job and he let me know that he believes that a lot of us may be out of a job as of the 17th of December. This is not good news though Spike’s behavior as well as what they did to Valeska—it seems very possible. So now I am kind of kicking myself for jumping on the Shatner Titanic.

A Little Disappointment

This weekend was a little disappointing. It wasn’t one thing or another—it was a combination of things that I either had no control over or way to get around. Whether it was friends that didn’t call, or called late or added people to the event who didn’t need to be there. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at all but I was.

And it sucks cause with my night job I have little time to see people and do things with them so when things allow me to be around I want to have the most fun possible. I don’t know why I’m writing bout this even since there is no way to change any of this. I guess I’m just annoyed.

Hey All…

Every year I try to come up with a list of things I am thankful for but this year I have only this—

I am thankful for all my friends and family who let me be myself—whether it is being supportive with my artist endeavors, much needed career advice, limitless relationship dramas but most of all--by just simply allowing me to be me. It means the world more than any of you can possible know…


HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

Job Training or Lack of It

So I was already feeling guilty about having to miss work do to the trapped in Vegas non-fun and I went in already felt guilty as I showed up for training in my new position as story editor for the Shat project.

Topher, Collier and Retta seemed cool with what happened and so I was starting to relax as I started going over the details of the position with Topher. He gave me a copy of a script to show me what I needed to do and that was it. I mean, I was assigned an act of a show and that was it. They all left me with the night editors with next to no guidance.

I sat in my office with the non-talking AE and just tried to fake my way through it. I don’t think I have ever felt so uncomfortable in my whole life. I basically just watched tapes and tried to look busy as I ran ideas around in my head. But it has to get better right?

The Pursuit of Pleasure—

Vegas—there is nothing more glamorous than a weekend trip there. (If there is, I haven’t experienced it.) I was eager—though sleep deprived—as made my to meet up with Lola and Angel for the car trip to sin and decadence. (My favorite 2 places…) As we bounced in the car on the freeway—we took turns rocking out to Madonna, Gwen, and Berlin—I kept falling half asleep but having recurring bouts of DSG. (Driver Support Guilt.)

As the drive continued the girls and I worked on my first comedy idea ever—I don’t want to give too much away except that it involves Jackie as nun—and led to the many recurring jokes of the weekend. (Hanging out with the Sistahs—Yeah!) After a brief shopping spree in Primm—2 pairs of pants, a new pair of glasses and a bracelet if you must know—we made it to Vegas in amazing time.

After unloading at the hotel we got a call from Kelly to meet her for lunch with her travel party consisting of co-workers and their significant others. I was so tired that I barely remember the buffet—though strangely enough I remember the garish Treasure Island sign now reading TI in neon colors. Between the shock of that and the discovering of female pirates (not arrgh but ughhh!) I was brazenly coasting though lunch on coffee and cigarettes, which lead to the major mistake of the weekend.

I believe when dealing with different groups of ones life at the same event the idea is—like a good cocktail—to mix them up to discover the best pairings. Unfortunately at the brunch I was so tired that I allowed all of the me group—Lola, Angel, Kelly and I at one table with Kelly’s co-workers at the other. There was little in between table talking or anything and thus sealed the fate of a huge portion of the weekend.

After lunch the 2 groups, now clearly defined by how we walked in two separate groups, made our way through the Fashion Mall and in our tired state all made risky, sexy, crazy choices of clothing, support garments and shoes. (I bought 2 hot t-shirts and a cute pair of shoes.) It was so much fun wandering through the streets of Vegas, bag laden with fun purchases and sunglasses perfectly placed.

A very weary gang made their back into the hotel and we all climbed into our various beds. There was light talking and more fashion debate as I drifted in and out of dreamland. I also developed my first spin off to “Keeping Up with the Sistahs” involving a novice nun who leaves the sisterhood to teach in the inner-city after a parishioner is shoot—it’s much funnier than it sounds though the title “Breaking the Habit” is genius if I say so myself.

After a wakeup from Kelly, the girls and I dressed up and jumped into a cab to make the scene at Freemont Street. Of course this scene is cheaper than K-mart on crack and I only went to pay my respects more out of obligation than true desire—kind of like visiting my Mom’s 2nd husband. Of course, Kelly’s co-workers loved it because of the 2 dollar tables and so we left their cheap asses behind and returned to the strip. At this point I was drunk from drinks longer than my arm and colder than I have ever been. I always seem to forget that Vegas is a desert.

We, of course, ended up at the Nine Fine Irishman per Kelly’s request, and ended up dancing like fools with drunken tourist in front of an Irish cover band. We saw an older lady who looked exactly like Lucy will at 60—rocking the dance floor and not caring who watched or what they said about it.

We followed up the NFI with a run to the late night Starbucks and many quotable conversations including such winner as “you say potato, I say judging” and the realization that every straight man in Vegas was in dirty jeans and a stripped dress shirt which led to one of my favorite quotes—“I thought I was being stalked by some guy but it turned out it was just an outfit.”

After coffee we made our way to a late night buffet that was quite the con. It had cheap prices that were only on certain nights and thus we were suckered in for food we didn’t want at prices we didn’t like. There was a brief game of “gay or Euro trash”—turns out they were both—as well as my confession about liking older men. Food filled we retired for the night but not before extending our check out time.

We woke up Sunday to a rainy gray sky—Vegas seemed sad to see us go—and so we met up with Kelly for a fun last Vegas meal. After a dirty martini at the Grand Lux Café, we wander the shops of the Venetian and I discover that moving sidewalks when wet can allow me to skate down the length of them at break neck speeds. We played in Seppohara and tried on scents and watched make demonstrations gone awry.

We then made plans to return for checkout but not before we posed for pictures under “The Pursuit of Pleasure” poster outside the museum at the Venetian. We each claimed a word “Angel was The, I was Pursuit, Lola was Of, and Kelly was Pleasure. This led to us decided to no longer use the word the but replace it with pleasure—examples being “Walking pleasure dog”, “Looking for the pleasure bathroom” or “Hitting pleasure casino”. Good times.

After this we packed the car and smoked our last cigarettes and played our last slots and made our good byes to Vegas. Lola, Angel and I prepared for the long drive home. The rain was scary and we were prepared for along ride back to LA. That is, until we hopped on the highway and found out the freeway was closed. That’s right kids—we were stuck in Vegas for another night.

Not Primm or Proper…a Prisoner of Vegas

One might imagine that it is crazy fun being trapped in Vegas—especially due to rain and snow on the 15 back to LA. And it would have been if we hadn’t already said our good byes to sin and decadence.

But as I flipped to EMT Rory (Emergency Management Trainee Rory) we quickly doubled back to the strip and began to make a plan of action. Lola’s sister Rocky and her boringboy Eugene were spending the week in Vegas and had just arrived before we checked out of our hotel so we decided to look them up. The point of this way to see if we could crash on their hotel room for the night in case things got crazy with all the trapped people in town.

The rain was pounding as we parked in the rooftop garage of Luxor and we piled out of the car. Lola and I, in our slap-happy mood, skipped in the pouring rain up to the doors as Angel made calls to get work covered for her as well as let her mom know what was up. Lola and I let Angel play the adult for a bit as we laughed our way through the casino in sunglasses and wet t-shirts.

Eventually we realized that Rocky and Eugene were off at the buffet and Lola went to deal with them as Angel and I discussed the various plans for the up coming night. I tried calling Kelly to let her know what was up but had little luck getting hold of her. Angel and I talked about random things we could do to stay in Vegas—friends of friends, older relatives, and maybe strange boys.

Lola eventually returned—looking annoyed—and rounded us up as she explain that Rocky and Eugene were being too couple-y and we needed to find somewhere else. Quick side note on Rocky and Eugene—they are one of THOSE couples that even though the honeymoon phase is over they still hang all over each other and have eyes only for each other. This would be fine if they seemed those type of people but they don’t when single and it’s annoying. What makes it worse is that they are the couple that asks you to go out to dinner since they haven’t seen you in awhile and make you feel like your on “Third Wheel” as they kiss and feed each other in public.

So nonetheless, I was happy we weren’t crashing with them and we made our out into the rain once again. The roads were becoming flooded and so we pulled into the closest cheapest hotel—Excalibur anyone? —and waited in the line for the valet. During this time I decided to try and make the most of our adventure and came up with a song to sum it all up—

(Sung to the melody of R. Kelly’s ‘Bump and Grind’)

I don’t see nothing wrong with another buffet
I don’t see nothing wrong chasing it with tangeray
I don’t seen nothing wrong going home with this guy who might be gay
I don’t see nothing staying in Vegas another day…”
Having made the turn into madcap farce we hit the Excalibur and the girls quickly jumped in line for a hotel room while I hit the bar for a beer. The girls scored a cheap room and we once again settled in for another night of strange beds and endless possibility. We settle into PJs and watched a little “Viva La Bamm” as we half napped and talked about boys, Joy and Trucker. We were little bitches.

Eventually Kelly called and Lola offered the room to her and her 2 stranded friends—Kelly seemed cool about it so we stayed in our room to wait for them to get over to the casino. Of course—three hours later—we received a phone call that they had booked their own rooms elsewhere and were going off to meet boys and go back to the Nine Fine Irishmen. This was annoying since we stayed to meet up with them and so we were in a nasty mood.

We dressed up and hit the casino floor to try and have some last minute Vegas fun. This plan was ruined by meeting up with Rocky and Eugene who wanted to “hang out”. We found them cuddling in the MGM and dragged with us as we scored dinner. Dinner was awkward because it wasn’t that good and didn’t help that Rocky and Eugene weren’t listening and instead fed each other desert. We ditched them as quickly as possible and Lola, Angel and I hit the strip alone.

Because of our grumpy tired moods we just really wanted to find someplace chill to sit and hang out. It didn’t help that I was freezing and had no jacket at all on me, that it was Sunday so weird things were closed and Lola and Angel were both just Vegased out.

But we are nothing if not resourceful and we found a small little piano bar in our hotel and had the best moments of the weekend with bloody marys, dirty martinis and lots of talk about boys and sex and kissing and all the good stuff. This was the true moment when I realized that I really liked both girls—before the trip I knew of them but now I felt I knew them and really liked them.

This also led to the best putdown of the weekend—“You’re such a bitch!” “What? Did I make you wait in the hotel room 3 hours then go off to meet boys at the Nine Fine Irishmen?” Funny stuff and proved that these girls had the wit to hang with me.

Bed that night was fun as we talked and joked and made each other laugh into the early morning. We woke up and packed up and were ready to hit the road and get home. Phone calls were made about work and classes as we made our way to the freeway. Imagine our surprise that 15 was still closed.

We made the obvious choice to go to Primm and shop while we waited out the road reopening. We shopped like the Hilton sisters (2 dress shirts, 2 ties, a baseball cap and a cute cowboy shirt) and dared to eat at the Primm casino. We discovered that Primm is where hookers go to die and that grandpas like Brittney Spears hats. We also decided that we should open our own buffet in Vegas—the Bikini buffet where swimsuits are required and one can get half shirts that say “I went to the Bikini Buffet and all I got was this food baby”. Funny as we even took a picture of dirty mullet and Grandpa Spears—it was good times even though Kelly called to complain about her driver home through the Indian Reservation.


Eventually the road opened—thanks to the salesgirl at American Eagle for giving us the heads up—and we made our way home in record time. It was the type of Vegas trip that will live as one of the best. I got some new Sistahs, some cool clothes and learned a lot more about Primm than I wanted to. Good times ladies, good times.

Go Me....

So I just got the story job I wanted on the Bill Shatner project--I'm moving on up kids.....

Quote of the week.

This week’s winner is Shelly with her unique way of remembering how to spell minimum.

“It’s like a tiny British mom.”

(In my defense it was 3 in the morning but damnif I didn't enjoy)

What Happens in Vegas…

So in about 24 hours I will be getting myself ready for my last journey into bedlam and mayhem with Vegas as the final destination. As such I much as there are other places I need to go and people to visit (you know who you are) I realize that with my vampire lifestyle that Vegas is the place to be. Rocking at 3? No problem…

As a Vegas survivor many times over I find it helps to have a list of things I won’t do so here’s my dirty dozen…

1) Go to the pool without shaving my chest—sure it makes me look like a potbelly pig but it’s all about grooming and up keep people…

2) Attack Tina for voting for Bush when drunk….

3) Discuss Perry’s sex change AT ALL.

4) Be the boyfriend for any of my girls when in trouble—in other words no cockblocking the ugly or the rowdy,

5) Swipe knife to gag on to make myself throw up outside the America restaurant. (Long story.)

6) Not be shocked when Perry uses the men’s room.

7) Be concern about anyone’s behavior beside my own.

8) Grope my bedmate while passed out.

9) Allow anyone to wear stripes and plaids. (Long story)

10) Drunk dial Chance.

11) Take any porn while on the street and instead yell, “I’m gay”.

12) Be the barometer for any of the girls—you know, the girls judge the guy by cool if he talks to their token ugly, fat or, in my case, gay friend

How the Cookie Crumbles

Unless something changes soon—I didn’t get the story job with the Shatner show. I’m actually kind of fine with this development. The show is a nightmare, plagued with issues for Mr. Shatner due to Spike TV so I’m not super concerned about missing out on some great chance.

The new job is okay—night hours do mess with one’s head but nonetheless the show I’m now on is easier and a lot more up my alley. It’s about kids and helping people so I can’t look at it and say that I object to it in anyway.

Outside of that, I’m keeping busy and really trying to solidify my next couple of steps in terms of my writing. I think I’m close to come up with a good novel idea—blog format of course—very “Tales of the City” as well as trying to focus on advice idea. Between dealing with the e-mail switch as well as the return of Neddy—well the plate is close to full.

And now I just have to get up the balls to call the boy. I don’t know—I’ve heard nothing since Halloween weekend, which either means he’s scared of me, read my blog or isn’t interested. And I don’t know which is the best scenario.

But I am going to Vegas for the weekend with the crazy ones so maybe that will give more than a hang over—here’s to hope chance is with me. Pun intended.

The Shat Hit the Fan….

So a week ago Friday was supposed to be my last day of work on the Bill Shatner show—I was excited to get the hell out of dodge mostly because I was some what miserable and eager to be unemployed.

I already had another job lead and so I was sitting pretty with the idea of a week off before the next gig. Unfortunately, due to my co-workers inability to work, we had to extend into this past week. Of course it meant another check so I sucked it up. Things got worse though when I realized that the show was doing reshoots and so that mean that we would be through out the rest of the week.

Add to this the fact that my next job would be all night shifts—thus killing my social life and I was not pleased. But I knew that I needed to take the money, if only to try and either get out of more debt or save up to buy a car/phone/computer. Thus I made a deal to take the night shift starting today.

But imagine my surprise when my boss, Collier, on Shatner came to us and said that they might be looking for a night story assistant. So now I have chance to either make the next step up or continue down the logger road a bit longer. I find out today but still either job makes me a vampire. Though one is more worth it. Wish me luck…

Chances are…

So after the Halloween party I was feeling good. I spent Halloween Day with Lizzie and Valeska over along Indian brunch and mild shopping for cute t-shirts and household goods. We had ice cream and I rehashed the Chance story from the night before. We all swapped boy stories and laughed at our good luck. It was fun.

Then the night rolled around and I had plans with Joy, Grant and Irene (??!!) to hit the Weho Costume Parade. I was excited most because of the fact that Chance’s band Mutator was playing at one of the main stages and figured we could hang and watch the show and just have fun. I knew it was unlikely to see Chance and didn’t want to get myself all psyched up.

Joy and I arrived late and after phone tag with Grant and Irene we tried to make our way through the crowded fun. We were both somewhat cranky and tired but did our best to laugh and enjoy the various costumes and nudity.

As we made our way down the street, we finally stumbled across the Mutator stage. It was crowded and uncomfortable and just miserable but a fun show. And Joy asked if I thought I would see Chance and I said no. The crowd was too thick and in the way.

The truth of the matter was that I was afraid to see Chance. I was worried that the night before was a fluke—a random act of drunken confession and confusion. I didn’t want ton risk seeing him and having a bad reaction or worse—no reaction at all. But as I stood there and watched the cute couples around us, gay and straight, all just together and something in my head flipped.

I spend a lot of time not really going after what I want—what I truly desire because then I can’t be disappointed. And as I realized this, I knew I want to try and see him. Not for the two of us but because I needed to do something. I had to try for what I want even if I failed.

And suddenly the night felt like a John Cusak movie. People moved out of the way as I wrapped Joy’s arms around my neck and barreled toward the stage. I didn’t care about couples or kids or the elderly. I was going to get to the stage regardless. And as we got 2/3 of the way to stage, the band finished.

As the crowd started to move and get thinner Joy and I reached the security fence. We were watching the band clear off stage and we were debating what to do. I briefly debate calling over a member of the band to pass a message but felt that would be pathetic. Joy looked at me and as I was saying I wanted to give up she looked away. And before I realized it, she was calling Chance’s name. Because there he was, standing 15 feet away—blue Mohawk and all.

And as he turned and saw us, a smile came over both our faces. And as he came to the fence, he outstretched his arms and gave the best hug one can over the fence. After a moment of reintroduction for him and Joy, we were backstage and talking. I briefly met his dad (I know—what?!) and Chance left to find us passes for the VIP room. As we stood there, I couldn’t believe it.

We talked with his dad (I know—what?!) and I briefly felt odd. No one wants to have a romantic moment in front of the dad and so I wrote the evening off as just social. And as Chance returned with the passes, I realized he didn’t have one for his dad. So the thereof us went off to the VIP tent and as we entered we spotted Steve from BB—dressed as a jester to boot.

So Joy, Chance and I stood in the VIP room with drinks and made chitchat. After a bit, Steve somehow charmed his way in to the VIP tent and managed to amuse Joy long enough for me and Chance to talk along. I rubbed his Mohawk and he leaned into my neck as we stood there. After a few minutes we stood there and locked eyes. We leaned into each other and I felt that the night before wasn’t a mistake but more of a step forward. And even though we kissed and swayed, I was aware of the whole room. Of Joy being a good friend for waiting, of Steve dancing with the bartenders, of the people milling about. And for the first time in along time I felt special.

I was so overwhelmed by the feelings of the moment that I left to use the restroom. I borrowed Joy’s cell phone to apologize to Irene and Grant for not meeting them and after a few moments of random waiting and steadying myself, back in I went. And as we stood leaning into other I wondered we could go. But chance’s dad showed up and Joy was tired so off we went. And I became a twit.

On the long walk back to the car I was giggly and glowing. Joy admitted that while I was gone she and Chance talked about me and I was excited. Because made this meant he liked me. And now I don’t know what I should do but I feel like it is his move. But it is nice to know that for one night more, I felt special… Where it goes from there…I’m not sure.

From Kelly

Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.

The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.

Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.

But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.

Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.

And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.

Quote of the Week

"God's Bazooka of Procreation." Lucy's response to women's reproduction position under George Bush and the Christian right

Halloween Magic

I have been a bad, bad boy… I’ve been holding back—things have developed with the boy and I haven’t known what to do. It started on Halloween in the most random way possible—costumes and booze and all types of drama. I was dressed an as 80’s after school special—tract marks and expensive vodka, headband and black eye.

I was just hitting my ten-minute stride when I came around and there he was—Chance with blue Mohawk and all. I was so shocked that I did what I do best—I turned and ran away to the first person I could find that was out of his eyesight. I hugged Justin Catalino like he was my lost child. (I think I caused years of therapy.)

After a few moments of hair checking and costume adjusting I took some deep breaths and begin the slow process of building up the courage to talk with the boy. I was mostly bolstered by the discovery that Chance had planned to go to this party in the canyons that I was supposed to originally to go but he found out via Lizzie that I was only going to the Detroit St party and that he came there just to try and see me. Awesome….

So I sucked up everything I had inside of me and went rolling in with everything I had—but was intimidated by the crew from Big Brother that was already there. The most I could do was snag a hug and a bright smile and not much else. And I have never been one for small talk and so I blew out of the group, got another drink and danced on everything but the kitchen table.

And then I got the talk—a good friend came up to me and gave me the talk. The talk about what the hell was I doing, that this boy came to see me at this party, that he was happy to see me and was the only guy I had been interested in for months now. That I needed to get it together and think—what would Kelly do?


After a moment’s thought (and another shot of vodka) I realized what I had to do and I did it. I grabbed pack of a cigarettes, fixed my bangs and went charging in. I smiled and laughed and flirted—I made small talk about work and music and everything I have ever done my whole life. We laughed and I played with his hair and coat collar, I left every so often to flirt and dance but never out of Chance’s eyesight…

And it was working until the drama happened. Not drama involving me but my friends and as always—I get sucked in. I jumped in because I knew I wouldn’t have fun if my friends weren’t having fun. So I left the boy behind to deal with everyone else and I came back to find the boy was gone. Poof, like Cinderella.

And I was mad—mad at him for leaving without saying good-bye, my friends for pulling me into the drama, and myself for not doing enough. After a moment’s hesitation I realized I had to do something—I was tired of losing the boy, of not doing enough and letting the boy go because it’s easier. So I commandeered a cell phone—thanks Naomi—and I took a chance.

He answered the phone on the first ring and I asked him where he was—on his way home obviously—and why he had left without saying good-bye. I told him I was pissed that he left without saying good-bye and that I wanted to set up a time to see him again. And instead of freaking out or being coy—he wanted the same thing. So much so that he agreed to turn around and come back, if only to give me a proper good bye.

And as I stood on the sidewalk outside the party, I grew nervous. Now I had the ball but no idea what the fuck to do with it. How far do I go and what do I say to make something, anything happen? And just as I thought maybe nothing would happen—something did.

Chance came around the corner—and not alone. He was lugging two cases of beer and smiling impishly. I asked what he was doing, I thought he was just coming back to say good-bye and he looked me straight in the eyes and said, ”well you made me change my mind.” And then he handed me a case of beer and told me to work the crowd for a bit—he brought the beer because he noticed the keg was almost empty.

So I went back with a big smile and handed out Corona like a missionary on crack. My friends were surprised that he came back and could tell I went stupid due to the boy. And in a way I had—it’s a novel thing to have a nice guy like me, a good guy, a thoughtful guy. A guy who came back because I asked him to.

It wasn’t till hours later that I took my moment with him. Chance was tired and getting ready to leave but I pulled him into the kitchen. I had to ask if his coming back meant something, if I was reading him right and if not then it was okay—and it would be—and he just looked at me in the eyes and we both waited.

And then he leaned into me in the middle of the Detroit St kitchen, he nuzzled my neck and we wrapped our arms around each other and he leaned in and whispered in my ear. “You are the sweetest boy.” And then we kissed and held each other for a bit and then I walked him out. I stood there for a bit and we made plans to see each other again and then he drove away—which was what I wanted right then. No sex or awkward sleepovers or all night hangouts. I waited time to enjoy what had just happened and who we had both been that night. And I realized I don’t know where it is going yet but that it has already gone somewhere new for me.