Welcome to Hollywood-What's Your Dream?
So Rosemary's trip has come to an end. We did a lot of stuff with her; lunch down by the beach and a stroll on Santa Monica Pier then dinner in Burbank while we ran party errands, then the girls and I took her to the Standard on Sunset and dancing in West Hollywood, Kelly and Valeska took her to a film premier of one of our friend's films and we all partied at Ali and Robin's on Saturday, Sunday Edie, Johnno and I took her down to Hollywood and Highland to find t-shirts for her foster daughter before driving her around Beverly Hills and even found her a celeb sighting at dinner. We finished off the trip with one last big hang out with Dominic, Johnny, Kelly, Valeska, Ali, Robin, Edie, Johnno and I at Kelly and Johnny's new house.
It was very packed and a good time.
The hardest part of trips like this is how it can sometimes make Los Angeles seem like one non-stop adventure. It looks likes bars and cute outfits, small talks in kitchens and walkable friends, late nights with all your friends and small brunches over which we rehash all the gossip. It's a million people with a million new places that can look like an everday occurance. It's not.
But when someone comes from far away, like Rosemary, who doesn't have the same support system or advanatges it can be very depressing. We're, for all of our drama and silliness, very lucky to have the friendships and closeness we experience here in Los Angeles. It can sometimes being overwhelming to all of us; it can feel like you're alway on the go and that it's nonstop.
And it is true.
I just feel bad because I feel so blessed to have the life I do. I feel guilty when someone, anyone, comes from out of town and sees how much we have. It is so easy to take for granted the nights of coffee, daytrips to the mall, that there is always someone close to call out to when you need it or be there in a jiffy. But it is also easy to glaze over the negative of the lifestyle we have. That we can be too close sometimes for our own good, that being ina group this huge forces people to not speak their minds sometimes and can feel like work when it comes to the social world.
But at the end of the day, it is so much more than what some people have. I hope that this visit pushed Rosmeary not to move to Los Angeles but to realize that she not only has good friends here but that she can make changes to get a more rounded life for herself. It was very hard to see how moved she was by what we have and to see her feel like she had so little. I wanted her to realzie that not only is what the group has unique but also that comes with its own pitfalls and price.
And while I would love if she could move out here and become a part of the Los Angeles group--she still has a place in it regardless. I want her to see that she can also make the steps to create her own verison of what we have here for herself. I know that she can be the girl is sings out loud with stereo to Lady Gaga, can find cute tops at Forever 21 if she wants, that people do like her and she can form new friendships like she did with Johnno and Valeska and that she has the abilty to be and do anything regardless of where she is.
If she did decide to move here, I hope she also saw how the social structure works. That while we have nights out and parties, it is also about the small moments that make up our lives. It is as much about grocery stores as it is drinks and traffic as much as it is shopping sprees. That we aren't perfect because we're all here together--it is still just as much work as anywhere else
But most of all? I guess what I am saying is that I hope that Rosemary had fun.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Life Has Been Busy
Sorry I haven't updated much in the last few days. That being said, I will catch up shortly with blogs about Ali and Robin's holiday party, JJ's holiday dinner, Rosemary's visit as well as the coutdown to Seattle. I just need to make a night to sit down.
It's all coming soon though. Promise
Sorry I haven't updated much in the last few days. That being said, I will catch up shortly with blogs about Ali and Robin's holiday party, JJ's holiday dinner, Rosemary's visit as well as the coutdown to Seattle. I just need to make a night to sit down.
It's all coming soon though. Promise
Friday, December 11, 2009
Something Interesting
When Same-Sex Marriage Was a Christian Rite
By ThosPayne
A Kiev art museum contains a curious icon from St. Catherine's Monastery on Mt. Sinai in Israel. It shows two robed Christian saints. Between them is a traditional Roman ‘pronubus’ (a best man), overseeing a wedding. The pronubus is Christ. The married couple are both men.
Is the icon suggesting that a gay "wedding" is being sanctified by Christ himself? The idea seems shocking. But the full answer comes from other early Christian sources about the two men featured in the icon, St. Sergius and St. Bacchus, two Roman soldiers who were Christian martyrs. These two officers in the Roman army incurred the anger of Emperor Maximian when they were exposed as ‘secret Christians’ by refusing to enter a pagan temple. Both were sent to Syria circa 303 CE where Bacchus is thought to have died while being flogged. Sergius survived torture but was later beheaded. Legend says that Bacchus appeared to the dying Sergius as an angel, telling him to be brave because they would soon be reunited in heaven.
While the pairing of saints, particularly in the early Christian church, was not unusual, the association of these two men was regarded as particularly intimate. Severus, the Patriarch of Antioch (AD 512 - 518) explained that, "we should not separate in speech they [Sergius and Bacchus] who were joined in life". This is not a case of simple "adelphopoiia." In the definitive 10th century account of their lives, St. Sergius is openly celebrated as the "sweet companion and lover" of St. Bacchus. Sergius and Bacchus's close relationship has led many modern scholars to believe they were lovers. But the most compelling evidence for this view is that the oldest text of their martyrology, written in New Testament Greek describes them as "erastai,” or "lovers". In other words, they were a male homosexual couple. Their orientation and relationship was not only acknowledged, but it was fully accepted and celebrated by the early Christian church, which was far more tolerant than it is today.
Contrary to myth, Christianity's concept of marriage has not been set in stone since the days of Christ, but has constantly evolved as a concept and ritual.
Prof. John Boswell, the late Chairman of Yale University’s history department, discovered that in addition to heterosexual marriage ceremonies in ancient Christian church liturgical documents, there were also ceremonies called the "Office of Same-Sex Union" (10th and 11th century), and the "Order for Uniting Two Men" (11th and 12th century).
These church rites had all the symbols of a heterosexual marriage: the whole community gathered in a church, a blessing of the couple before the altar was conducted with their right hands joined, holy vows were exchanged, a priest officiatied in the taking of the Eucharist and a wedding feast for the guests was celebrated afterwards. These elements all appear in contemporary illustrations of the holy union of the Byzantine Warrior-Emperor, Basil the First (867-886 CE) and his companion John.
Such same gender Christian sanctified unions also took place in Ireland in the late 12thand/ early 13th century, as the chronicler Gerald of Wales (‘Geraldus Cambrensis’) recorded.
Same-sex unions in pre-modern Europe list in great detail some same gender ceremonies found in ancient church liturgical documents. One Greek 13th century rite, "Order for Solemn Same-Sex Union", invoked St. Serge and St. Bacchus, and called on God to "vouchsafe unto these, Thy servants [N and N], the grace to love one another and to abide without hate and not be the cause of scandal all the days of their lives, with the help of the Holy Mother of God, and all Thy saints". The ceremony concludes: "And they shall kiss the Holy Gospel and each other, and it shall be concluded".
Another 14th century Serbian Slavonic "Office of the Same Sex Union", uniting two men or two women, had the couple lay their right hands on the Gospel while having a crucifix placed in their left hands. After kissing the Gospel, the couple were then required to kiss each other, after which the priest, having raised up the Eucharist, would give them both communion.
Records of Christian same sex unions have been discovered in such diverse archives as those in the Vatican, in St. Petersburg, in Paris, in Istanbul and in the Sinai, covering a thousand-years from the 8th to the 18th century.
The Dominican missionary and Prior, Jacques Goar (1601-1653), includes such ceremonies in a printed collection of Greek Orthodox prayer books, “Euchologion Sive Rituale Graecorum Complectens Ritus Et Ordines Divinae Liturgiae” (Paris, 1667).
While homosexuality was technically illegal from late Roman times, homophobic writings didn’t appear in Western Europe until the late 14th century. Even then, church-consecrated same sex unions continued to take place.
At St. John Lateran in Rome (traditionally the Pope's parish church) in 1578, as many as thirteen same-gender couples were joined during a high Mass and with the cooperation of the Vatican clergy, "taking communion together, using the same nuptial Scripture, after which they slept and ate together" according to a contemporary report. Another woman to woman union is recorded in Dalmatia in the 18th century.
Prof. Boswell's academic study is so well researched and documented that it poses fundamental questions for both modern church leaders and heterosexual Christians about their own modern attitudes towards homosexuality.
For the Church to ignore the evidence in its own archives would be cowardly and deceptive. The evidence convincingly shows that what the modern church claims has always been its unchanging attitude towards homosexuality is, in fact, nothing of the sort.
It proves that for the last two millennia, in parish churches and cathedrals throughout Christendom, from Ireland to Istanbul and even in the heart of Rome itself, homosexual relationships were accepted as valid expressions of a God-given love and committment to another person, a love that could be celebrated, honored and blessed, through the Eucharist in the name of, and in the presence of, Jesus Christ.
When Same-Sex Marriage Was a Christian Rite
By ThosPayne
A Kiev art museum contains a curious icon from St. Catherine's Monastery on Mt. Sinai in Israel. It shows two robed Christian saints. Between them is a traditional Roman ‘pronubus’ (a best man), overseeing a wedding. The pronubus is Christ. The married couple are both men.
Is the icon suggesting that a gay "wedding" is being sanctified by Christ himself? The idea seems shocking. But the full answer comes from other early Christian sources about the two men featured in the icon, St. Sergius and St. Bacchus, two Roman soldiers who were Christian martyrs. These two officers in the Roman army incurred the anger of Emperor Maximian when they were exposed as ‘secret Christians’ by refusing to enter a pagan temple. Both were sent to Syria circa 303 CE where Bacchus is thought to have died while being flogged. Sergius survived torture but was later beheaded. Legend says that Bacchus appeared to the dying Sergius as an angel, telling him to be brave because they would soon be reunited in heaven.
While the pairing of saints, particularly in the early Christian church, was not unusual, the association of these two men was regarded as particularly intimate. Severus, the Patriarch of Antioch (AD 512 - 518) explained that, "we should not separate in speech they [Sergius and Bacchus] who were joined in life". This is not a case of simple "adelphopoiia." In the definitive 10th century account of their lives, St. Sergius is openly celebrated as the "sweet companion and lover" of St. Bacchus. Sergius and Bacchus's close relationship has led many modern scholars to believe they were lovers. But the most compelling evidence for this view is that the oldest text of their martyrology, written in New Testament Greek describes them as "erastai,” or "lovers". In other words, they were a male homosexual couple. Their orientation and relationship was not only acknowledged, but it was fully accepted and celebrated by the early Christian church, which was far more tolerant than it is today.
Contrary to myth, Christianity's concept of marriage has not been set in stone since the days of Christ, but has constantly evolved as a concept and ritual.
Prof. John Boswell, the late Chairman of Yale University’s history department, discovered that in addition to heterosexual marriage ceremonies in ancient Christian church liturgical documents, there were also ceremonies called the "Office of Same-Sex Union" (10th and 11th century), and the "Order for Uniting Two Men" (11th and 12th century).
These church rites had all the symbols of a heterosexual marriage: the whole community gathered in a church, a blessing of the couple before the altar was conducted with their right hands joined, holy vows were exchanged, a priest officiatied in the taking of the Eucharist and a wedding feast for the guests was celebrated afterwards. These elements all appear in contemporary illustrations of the holy union of the Byzantine Warrior-Emperor, Basil the First (867-886 CE) and his companion John.
Such same gender Christian sanctified unions also took place in Ireland in the late 12thand/ early 13th century, as the chronicler Gerald of Wales (‘Geraldus Cambrensis’) recorded.
Same-sex unions in pre-modern Europe list in great detail some same gender ceremonies found in ancient church liturgical documents. One Greek 13th century rite, "Order for Solemn Same-Sex Union", invoked St. Serge and St. Bacchus, and called on God to "vouchsafe unto these, Thy servants [N and N], the grace to love one another and to abide without hate and not be the cause of scandal all the days of their lives, with the help of the Holy Mother of God, and all Thy saints". The ceremony concludes: "And they shall kiss the Holy Gospel and each other, and it shall be concluded".
Another 14th century Serbian Slavonic "Office of the Same Sex Union", uniting two men or two women, had the couple lay their right hands on the Gospel while having a crucifix placed in their left hands. After kissing the Gospel, the couple were then required to kiss each other, after which the priest, having raised up the Eucharist, would give them both communion.
Records of Christian same sex unions have been discovered in such diverse archives as those in the Vatican, in St. Petersburg, in Paris, in Istanbul and in the Sinai, covering a thousand-years from the 8th to the 18th century.
The Dominican missionary and Prior, Jacques Goar (1601-1653), includes such ceremonies in a printed collection of Greek Orthodox prayer books, “Euchologion Sive Rituale Graecorum Complectens Ritus Et Ordines Divinae Liturgiae” (Paris, 1667).
While homosexuality was technically illegal from late Roman times, homophobic writings didn’t appear in Western Europe until the late 14th century. Even then, church-consecrated same sex unions continued to take place.
At St. John Lateran in Rome (traditionally the Pope's parish church) in 1578, as many as thirteen same-gender couples were joined during a high Mass and with the cooperation of the Vatican clergy, "taking communion together, using the same nuptial Scripture, after which they slept and ate together" according to a contemporary report. Another woman to woman union is recorded in Dalmatia in the 18th century.
Prof. Boswell's academic study is so well researched and documented that it poses fundamental questions for both modern church leaders and heterosexual Christians about their own modern attitudes towards homosexuality.
For the Church to ignore the evidence in its own archives would be cowardly and deceptive. The evidence convincingly shows that what the modern church claims has always been its unchanging attitude towards homosexuality is, in fact, nothing of the sort.
It proves that for the last two millennia, in parish churches and cathedrals throughout Christendom, from Ireland to Istanbul and even in the heart of Rome itself, homosexual relationships were accepted as valid expressions of a God-given love and committment to another person, a love that could be celebrated, honored and blessed, through the Eucharist in the name of, and in the presence of, Jesus Christ.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
So It Begins
Tonight my friend Rosemary arrives in town, tomorrow is when Edie arrives. it is going to be a nonstop whirl of cookies, partys, bars, Jewish dinner and late night dancing. Things will be crazy, there will be pictures and outfits, gifts and hugs, money spent and money gained.
This is my favorite time of the year when we all put a little more effort into our friendships. I don't think it is about gifts or scoring invites but rather we all know that we are making memories for when we are older. We'll remember roaming bottles of tequila, first Christmas kisses under mistletoe, the random cards from friends and those weird moments when you get sentimental over food prep and late night couch sessions.
It is the perfect distraction from things to come.
Tonight my friend Rosemary arrives in town, tomorrow is when Edie arrives. it is going to be a nonstop whirl of cookies, partys, bars, Jewish dinner and late night dancing. Things will be crazy, there will be pictures and outfits, gifts and hugs, money spent and money gained.
This is my favorite time of the year when we all put a little more effort into our friendships. I don't think it is about gifts or scoring invites but rather we all know that we are making memories for when we are older. We'll remember roaming bottles of tequila, first Christmas kisses under mistletoe, the random cards from friends and those weird moments when you get sentimental over food prep and late night couch sessions.
It is the perfect distraction from things to come.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Scenes from a Relationship
The boyfriend wants us to go and buy a Christmas decoration to celebrate our frist holiday together. It is so weird when things like this happen to me because on one hand they are as romantic as well but on the other they can feel abit much. Not silly or over the top but just kind of like 'whoa'.
I personally want to buy two ornaments--one for us to keep for ourself and his wall tree but another to give to his parents to make things more awkward. I know I shouldn't want to play into this type of game but his parents are driving me nuts with their mixed messages. Not to me--but to their son.
And what is so weird about this and makes me so on edge is that Johnno is a great son. He calls his family at least once a week, he is polite and thanks them for things, he always wants to go and visit to make time for them. And yet...suddenly both his parents have made rumbings about how they "are happy for him but can't be apart of 'this' part of his life" What?
I have always been honest about my parents and the faults in our relationship but they have never attempted to play that card with me. I can be spoiled, I can be aloof, I can be demanding and unforgiving at points but I have never been treated in such a way. It makes me angry at his parents because I see how they are hurting someone is such a sweet, laid back and respectful person. He's the type of son my parents would love and the type of guy most people would want in their life. And I struggle with this situation because I don't believe you can love someone and not rspect them, you can't pick and choose what you value in a person and make that their only value.
You love people despite their flaws, you value people because of the efforts they make to be better people and you can only have real relationship in which respect is the basis of the dialouge. Anything else is a fools' game.
Yet I know I have to hold my tongue. The truth is, if things stay the way they have been going, I will outlast his parents in Johnno's life. I will be there for him and make him happy and at the end of the day that makes us both winners. And buying an ornament together is just another symbol of who we are and want to be for each other.
But I still plan on giving one of those "Your name here" ornaments you can buy at the mall. Just because it will keep me for saying anything-pictures being worth a thousand words.
The boyfriend wants us to go and buy a Christmas decoration to celebrate our frist holiday together. It is so weird when things like this happen to me because on one hand they are as romantic as well but on the other they can feel abit much. Not silly or over the top but just kind of like 'whoa'.
I personally want to buy two ornaments--one for us to keep for ourself and his wall tree but another to give to his parents to make things more awkward. I know I shouldn't want to play into this type of game but his parents are driving me nuts with their mixed messages. Not to me--but to their son.
And what is so weird about this and makes me so on edge is that Johnno is a great son. He calls his family at least once a week, he is polite and thanks them for things, he always wants to go and visit to make time for them. And yet...suddenly both his parents have made rumbings about how they "are happy for him but can't be apart of 'this' part of his life" What?
I have always been honest about my parents and the faults in our relationship but they have never attempted to play that card with me. I can be spoiled, I can be aloof, I can be demanding and unforgiving at points but I have never been treated in such a way. It makes me angry at his parents because I see how they are hurting someone is such a sweet, laid back and respectful person. He's the type of son my parents would love and the type of guy most people would want in their life. And I struggle with this situation because I don't believe you can love someone and not rspect them, you can't pick and choose what you value in a person and make that their only value.
You love people despite their flaws, you value people because of the efforts they make to be better people and you can only have real relationship in which respect is the basis of the dialouge. Anything else is a fools' game.
Yet I know I have to hold my tongue. The truth is, if things stay the way they have been going, I will outlast his parents in Johnno's life. I will be there for him and make him happy and at the end of the day that makes us both winners. And buying an ornament together is just another symbol of who we are and want to be for each other.
But I still plan on giving one of those "Your name here" ornaments you can buy at the mall. Just because it will keep me for saying anything-pictures being worth a thousand words.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Why You Got to Make Things Complicated?
I hate those moments when you are planning to hang out with people for something, like a dinner, and it occurs to you to make plans to hang out the next day. Something like this--you and Jane are having dinner with Scott, Chris, Mandy, Erika and you and Jane decide that you should totally go ice skating the next day with everyone but you don't have time to send an invite or email to everyone else though you plan to suggest it at your dinner.
But then you get an email from Scott (for example) saying that he wants Chris, Mandy, Erika, Jane and you to go skating later that weekend. Now the truth is you are already planning on going skating that weekend but you can't say 'Oh hey, Jane and I were planning on going skating so you guys should come' because it looks like you and Jane were sneaking off to go skating yourself and are now only including them by default. That's not what really happened but that is how it will look to people you haven't already talked to.
It sets up an idea that there is a ranking order to friends and who gets to do what when that wasn't really the point. So then you either say nothing and go along with Scott's plan or you still do what you want and rsik him thinking he wasn't included.
I hate when tenitive plans become about who was and wasn' included in the planning. It makes things seem more like a popularity contest then they are. I'm not sure if this makes sense but I can't help but feel bad in these type of catch 22.
Of course I could be overthinking things.
I hate those moments when you are planning to hang out with people for something, like a dinner, and it occurs to you to make plans to hang out the next day. Something like this--you and Jane are having dinner with Scott, Chris, Mandy, Erika and you and Jane decide that you should totally go ice skating the next day with everyone but you don't have time to send an invite or email to everyone else though you plan to suggest it at your dinner.
But then you get an email from Scott (for example) saying that he wants Chris, Mandy, Erika, Jane and you to go skating later that weekend. Now the truth is you are already planning on going skating that weekend but you can't say 'Oh hey, Jane and I were planning on going skating so you guys should come' because it looks like you and Jane were sneaking off to go skating yourself and are now only including them by default. That's not what really happened but that is how it will look to people you haven't already talked to.
It sets up an idea that there is a ranking order to friends and who gets to do what when that wasn't really the point. So then you either say nothing and go along with Scott's plan or you still do what you want and rsik him thinking he wasn't included.
I hate when tenitive plans become about who was and wasn' included in the planning. It makes things seem more like a popularity contest then they are. I'm not sure if this makes sense but I can't help but feel bad in these type of catch 22.
Of course I could be overthinking things.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Yes Please
Dallas Moves Along
Filed under: TV News
Will they do it?
Patrick Duffy, Larry Hagman and Linda Gray have all been approached to reprise their roles on the remake of Dallas that is set to air on TNT, but there is no word yet on whether they will accept.
The story line hasn't been discussed at great length, but supposedly the initial idea was to have the series center on J.R. and Sue Ellen's son John Ross and Bobby and Pam's adopted son Christopher.
The network has decided to wait and see what newly hired screenwriter Cynthia Cidre comes up with for the show.
Do you want to see Bobby, J.R. and Sue Ellen return to your TV?
From perez hilton
Dallas Moves Along
Filed under: TV News
Will they do it?
Patrick Duffy, Larry Hagman and Linda Gray have all been approached to reprise their roles on the remake of Dallas that is set to air on TNT, but there is no word yet on whether they will accept.
The story line hasn't been discussed at great length, but supposedly the initial idea was to have the series center on J.R. and Sue Ellen's son John Ross and Bobby and Pam's adopted son Christopher.
The network has decided to wait and see what newly hired screenwriter Cynthia Cidre comes up with for the show.
Do you want to see Bobby, J.R. and Sue Ellen return to your TV?
From perez hilton
All It Takes
All it takes is a couple days of off diet food choices--nothing major, not fully done, not on purpose--to leave you feeling like a big fattie. I know that the diet makes a difference and I have been doing well with getting back on a workout routine but between pub crawls, drinks without enough in the stomache and a late night and I just feel so wasteful and icky.
And I have a friend coming from out of town and a big party or two coming up which makes me even more hyper aware.
I know I can get back on track but I want results now.
But I know it doesn't work that way.
All it takes is a couple days of off diet food choices--nothing major, not fully done, not on purpose--to leave you feeling like a big fattie. I know that the diet makes a difference and I have been doing well with getting back on a workout routine but between pub crawls, drinks without enough in the stomache and a late night and I just feel so wasteful and icky.
And I have a friend coming from out of town and a big party or two coming up which makes me even more hyper aware.
I know I can get back on track but I want results now.
But I know it doesn't work that way.
Moving Forward But Still A Bit Awkward
I love those moments in a new friendship--when you realize that you actually really like the company of someone and want to be more a part of their life. The type of person with whom you have an easy dynamic, instant connection and novel conversation--someone who just stumbles into your life and yet manages to fit in a such quick and easy manner. But there is always that little dance...
I think everyone at some point has had that person who 'wants to be your friend'. It's not obvious why but this person has taken a shine to you--a co-worker or friend's new relationship, a neighbor or even a good friend's outside friend--and all they want is to find a way to be buddies. It can get creepy when someone tries to force a relationship on you and can make you feel awkward and want to avoid that person. And most people feel slightly guilty about this, no one wants to be unliked but it can quickly turn from 'let's give it a shot' to 'please lose my email address, stay of my facebook page, don't text me at all'.
So when it comes to making a new friendship, I tend to be tenative because I don't want to risk coming off as one of those people. I try to take my cues from the other person; hug for hug, email for email, text for text. It is almost like a courting ritual in that it feels like there are so many steps.
And even with all of that--it is still nice to meet a new friend
I love those moments in a new friendship--when you realize that you actually really like the company of someone and want to be more a part of their life. The type of person with whom you have an easy dynamic, instant connection and novel conversation--someone who just stumbles into your life and yet manages to fit in a such quick and easy manner. But there is always that little dance...
I think everyone at some point has had that person who 'wants to be your friend'. It's not obvious why but this person has taken a shine to you--a co-worker or friend's new relationship, a neighbor or even a good friend's outside friend--and all they want is to find a way to be buddies. It can get creepy when someone tries to force a relationship on you and can make you feel awkward and want to avoid that person. And most people feel slightly guilty about this, no one wants to be unliked but it can quickly turn from 'let's give it a shot' to 'please lose my email address, stay of my facebook page, don't text me at all'.
So when it comes to making a new friendship, I tend to be tenative because I don't want to risk coming off as one of those people. I try to take my cues from the other person; hug for hug, email for email, text for text. It is almost like a courting ritual in that it feels like there are so many steps.
And even with all of that--it is still nice to meet a new friend
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Damned if You Do
So I have gotten myself in a slightly sticky situtation as of late. In short, I opened my mouth about something when I didn't have the full story and half opened a can of worms. I now know the full monty and have to try and figure out how to fix things without making anything worse.
And I hate when I do this.
If there is one sin I am completely and regularly guilty of is overstepping my bounds. I try to be a mediator when it comes to my group of friends to prevent drama and miscomunication but sometimes that has the opposite effect. I hate when I do this--get involved to help but make the situation more murky than it needed to be.
LE sigh
Now I am off to send an email and clean up my mess before it becomes someelse's mess.
So I have gotten myself in a slightly sticky situtation as of late. In short, I opened my mouth about something when I didn't have the full story and half opened a can of worms. I now know the full monty and have to try and figure out how to fix things without making anything worse.
And I hate when I do this.
If there is one sin I am completely and regularly guilty of is overstepping my bounds. I try to be a mediator when it comes to my group of friends to prevent drama and miscomunication but sometimes that has the opposite effect. I hate when I do this--get involved to help but make the situation more murky than it needed to be.
LE sigh
Now I am off to send an email and clean up my mess before it becomes someelse's mess.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Deal Breaker
I hate hwne I do this. When I make a deal with someone that is a positive and good thing then turn around and break the deal with ease. It's not anything bad, as a matter of fact it is good, but I know that I have to hold myself back from here on out.
I spent this morning with Kelly shopping for Black Friday. We hit the mall in Northridge to try and score some gifts for the various people on our lists. This isn't a bad thing but I did something I promised I wouldn't.
A while back I made a promise to Johnno that neither of us would break a spending cap of seventy five dollars on each other. i did this because I hate that awkwardness that can come from either being too generous or not generous enough. I find gift giving hard and even more so with someone I am dating. There is always a temptation to go out and get everything I think their heart desires meanwhile I end up with very little. Which is fine.
I'm not greedy
But it makes things weird because the person who is spoiled ends up feeling guilty about not doing enough. This can throw off the balance of the gift exchange and can make one person feel badly--whether for flaunting their money or not having enough to give the other person. So I made the deal to avoid that.
I also broke the spending cap about 25 minutes into shopping with Kelly. I feel bad about it and while I know he will love everythng I have for him it is still not okay.
At least his birthday falls right after Christmas. I can split up the gifts then!
I hate hwne I do this. When I make a deal with someone that is a positive and good thing then turn around and break the deal with ease. It's not anything bad, as a matter of fact it is good, but I know that I have to hold myself back from here on out.
I spent this morning with Kelly shopping for Black Friday. We hit the mall in Northridge to try and score some gifts for the various people on our lists. This isn't a bad thing but I did something I promised I wouldn't.
A while back I made a promise to Johnno that neither of us would break a spending cap of seventy five dollars on each other. i did this because I hate that awkwardness that can come from either being too generous or not generous enough. I find gift giving hard and even more so with someone I am dating. There is always a temptation to go out and get everything I think their heart desires meanwhile I end up with very little. Which is fine.
I'm not greedy
But it makes things weird because the person who is spoiled ends up feeling guilty about not doing enough. This can throw off the balance of the gift exchange and can make one person feel badly--whether for flaunting their money or not having enough to give the other person. So I made the deal to avoid that.
I also broke the spending cap about 25 minutes into shopping with Kelly. I feel bad about it and while I know he will love everythng I have for him it is still not okay.
At least his birthday falls right after Christmas. I can split up the gifts then!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
What I am thankful for...
I didn't get a chance to say what I was thankful for this year at dinner. Johnno and I had dinner at Johnno and Kelly's new house along with Dominic. Johnny's dad came up from the OC and joined us for the meal and I was a bit off when it came time to list off what I was thankful for.
I always have a fear when it comes to people's parents, one that makes me hold back and bite my tongue in more ways than normal. I worry that i will be the bad friend, the bad influence, the one that makes people's parents worry about their adult children. I smoke, I curse, I'm gay and I can be quite cutting without meaing too. So when it came time to say what I was really happy about in the past year I didn't say much. And I kind of regret it.... So i decided to bring my list here...
1) I am thankful Kelly and Johnno found the perfect house to rent. They needed the space not only for their belonging but because they are social and like to host things and I think Kelly really missed out on being able to do that.
2) I am grateful that Kirby is working so much. For son long I know she worried about what she was doing in Los Angeles and I think working, and being good at it, has helped her so much.
3) Even with the Tranny Tree, I am still very thankful that Lola is apart of the Dollhouse. She is fun and maddening and we have such a great vibe so much of the time that it makes me happy to be home and not go out. It's nice.
4) That I will have both Edie and Valeska in town together for the foreseeable future. As much as it is not ideal for them, I am greedy in that I like the idea of my girlfriends being home here in LA.
5) I am grateful that I have been able to show Sabine, through actions and deeds, how much I value her place in my life. Things have been crazy and we haven't always seen each other much but when we do we have real moments.
6) I am thankful for how much Ali and mine's friendship has grown in the past two years. We were always friends but i feel like we turned some corner and became close and more real with each other. I like it.
7) I am happy that Nolan has a girlfriend who makes him so happy. Sometimes I wish I saw him more but I know that he is out there and is in love with someone who is constantly amazed and amazing.
8) That my brother has finally started to make steps to fix his relationships within my family. He is growing up and learning how and where the past fit and making an effort to make things better than they have been. It's very surreal but very touching.
9) I am grateful that Dominic respects our friendship enough to be open and honest with me. I have always known he has more going on then he allows to be known but to realize that he values our dymanic so much makes me feel honored.
10) I am most thankful that I took a chance and followed through on trying to date and how it lead me to Johnno. I am in love with someone who is so wonderful and giving and charming and funny and a million other things I never thought I would have. He has made the past year so much more than it could have been.
I didn't get a chance to say what I was thankful for this year at dinner. Johnno and I had dinner at Johnno and Kelly's new house along with Dominic. Johnny's dad came up from the OC and joined us for the meal and I was a bit off when it came time to list off what I was thankful for.
I always have a fear when it comes to people's parents, one that makes me hold back and bite my tongue in more ways than normal. I worry that i will be the bad friend, the bad influence, the one that makes people's parents worry about their adult children. I smoke, I curse, I'm gay and I can be quite cutting without meaing too. So when it came time to say what I was really happy about in the past year I didn't say much. And I kind of regret it.... So i decided to bring my list here...
1) I am thankful Kelly and Johnno found the perfect house to rent. They needed the space not only for their belonging but because they are social and like to host things and I think Kelly really missed out on being able to do that.
2) I am grateful that Kirby is working so much. For son long I know she worried about what she was doing in Los Angeles and I think working, and being good at it, has helped her so much.
3) Even with the Tranny Tree, I am still very thankful that Lola is apart of the Dollhouse. She is fun and maddening and we have such a great vibe so much of the time that it makes me happy to be home and not go out. It's nice.
4) That I will have both Edie and Valeska in town together for the foreseeable future. As much as it is not ideal for them, I am greedy in that I like the idea of my girlfriends being home here in LA.
5) I am grateful that I have been able to show Sabine, through actions and deeds, how much I value her place in my life. Things have been crazy and we haven't always seen each other much but when we do we have real moments.
6) I am thankful for how much Ali and mine's friendship has grown in the past two years. We were always friends but i feel like we turned some corner and became close and more real with each other. I like it.
7) I am happy that Nolan has a girlfriend who makes him so happy. Sometimes I wish I saw him more but I know that he is out there and is in love with someone who is constantly amazed and amazing.
8) That my brother has finally started to make steps to fix his relationships within my family. He is growing up and learning how and where the past fit and making an effort to make things better than they have been. It's very surreal but very touching.
9) I am grateful that Dominic respects our friendship enough to be open and honest with me. I have always known he has more going on then he allows to be known but to realize that he values our dymanic so much makes me feel honored.
10) I am most thankful that I took a chance and followed through on trying to date and how it lead me to Johnno. I am in love with someone who is so wonderful and giving and charming and funny and a million other things I never thought I would have. He has made the past year so much more than it could have been.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thanksgiving Curse
So this past week I had kidney pains--nothing bone crunching or truly painful but, like a worked muscle, I was suddenly just really aware of them. And, in a moment of foolishness, I decided to take a look on-line and see what it could mean.
This is a bad idea wrapped in bad idea jeans with a lit cigarette and a bottle of Aqua Net. Just saying.
Needless to say, the next day I made my way to a clinic in Hollywood to try and get to the bottom of things. After you read words like 'failure' you tend to get on board with a doctor visit real quick. And going to a new doctor is terrible and makes me nervous and all I could think about was the Thanksgiving Curse.
Almost 6 years ago, I was horribly sick a few days before the holiday, so much so that I could barely walk. My friend Charity had to take me to the ER because I could not get up off my couch I was in such pain. I mean, I cried in public ALOT and this is not who I choose to be. The doctors were never fully sure what I had outside of an infect that caused swelling that pushed against my spinal cord. A few days with drugs, no sugar, no alcohol, no coffee and I was close to being upwardly mobile.
And I ended up fine.
But every year since then something seems to happen badly on Thanksgiving-if not to me then people I love. It is enough to make me dread the last few days leading up to the holdiay and makes me super sensativbe to anything that happens in the last few days of November.
So I was dreading the doctor visit and was afraid something terrible might happen. Instead, it turns out I was fine and the doctor was great and all I needed was to work on my water intake and just be aware if it continues for the next few days. The pain has gone away already and I feel like a million dollars. The curse is broken!
Except for the fact that I have to cook for the actual day. Here's hoping there is no black potatoes this year like 7 years ago. Because that would be a fitting way for fate to reassert the curse
So this past week I had kidney pains--nothing bone crunching or truly painful but, like a worked muscle, I was suddenly just really aware of them. And, in a moment of foolishness, I decided to take a look on-line and see what it could mean.
This is a bad idea wrapped in bad idea jeans with a lit cigarette and a bottle of Aqua Net. Just saying.
Needless to say, the next day I made my way to a clinic in Hollywood to try and get to the bottom of things. After you read words like 'failure' you tend to get on board with a doctor visit real quick. And going to a new doctor is terrible and makes me nervous and all I could think about was the Thanksgiving Curse.
Almost 6 years ago, I was horribly sick a few days before the holiday, so much so that I could barely walk. My friend Charity had to take me to the ER because I could not get up off my couch I was in such pain. I mean, I cried in public ALOT and this is not who I choose to be. The doctors were never fully sure what I had outside of an infect that caused swelling that pushed against my spinal cord. A few days with drugs, no sugar, no alcohol, no coffee and I was close to being upwardly mobile.
And I ended up fine.
But every year since then something seems to happen badly on Thanksgiving-if not to me then people I love. It is enough to make me dread the last few days leading up to the holdiay and makes me super sensativbe to anything that happens in the last few days of November.
So I was dreading the doctor visit and was afraid something terrible might happen. Instead, it turns out I was fine and the doctor was great and all I needed was to work on my water intake and just be aware if it continues for the next few days. The pain has gone away already and I feel like a million dollars. The curse is broken!
Except for the fact that I have to cook for the actual day. Here's hoping there is no black potatoes this year like 7 years ago. Because that would be a fitting way for fate to reassert the curse
Monday, November 23, 2009
Top Ten Things
I know lists are a cop out but it is what I am feeling.I have been thinking a lot about what I think is sexy, clever and cute when it comes to guys--I blame it on working on the novel and the teenage view of crushing
1) Flip flops with jeans and long sleeve shirts. There is something that screams casual and free wheeling when a guy pulls himself together but keeps the playful footwear.
2) Glasses. It is probably the pseudo intellect but I love a guy in glasses. I was heartbroken as a child that I could not wear them.
3) Shaggy hair. There is something charming and careless abot a guy with shaggy hair. He isn't trying too hard and yet it is still kind of styled and whimsical.
4) A bit of fat. A guy who works out too much freaks me out. Abs are great and arms can been hot but when a guy looks like he needs the gym everyday then I wonder when he would have time for me.
5) Guys with babies. There is something so manly and yet sensative about a guy with a baby in his arms. It also means, usually, that he can have a funcitional relationship long enough to get a child and has no comittment issues.
6) Reading on the subway. I like anyone who really loves to read and there is something really attractive about a guy who uses his time well and loves the written word. It is very East Coast college.
7) Guys who know how to dance. Anyone who can move and feel the music without feeling awkward or weird is someone I admire. I'm not the best at that myself so I find it a turn on.
8) Artists who work in public. There is something about a guy at a cafe table working on a sketch, at a park scribbling in a journal, painting with the door open in his apartment. Someone who has is drawn to art is someone who has something to share.
9) Ties for no reason. I like a guy who wears a tie for no reason because it says something about how polished he is for his own reasons. It is sexy to see that dashing look without being at an office or an wedding.
10) Guys who hold hands. Something about being comfortable in their relationship is put out to the world when they do that. Like they want the entire world to know they are in love.
I am curious about other people's lists. What works for you?
I know lists are a cop out but it is what I am feeling.I have been thinking a lot about what I think is sexy, clever and cute when it comes to guys--I blame it on working on the novel and the teenage view of crushing
1) Flip flops with jeans and long sleeve shirts. There is something that screams casual and free wheeling when a guy pulls himself together but keeps the playful footwear.
2) Glasses. It is probably the pseudo intellect but I love a guy in glasses. I was heartbroken as a child that I could not wear them.
3) Shaggy hair. There is something charming and careless abot a guy with shaggy hair. He isn't trying too hard and yet it is still kind of styled and whimsical.
4) A bit of fat. A guy who works out too much freaks me out. Abs are great and arms can been hot but when a guy looks like he needs the gym everyday then I wonder when he would have time for me.
5) Guys with babies. There is something so manly and yet sensative about a guy with a baby in his arms. It also means, usually, that he can have a funcitional relationship long enough to get a child and has no comittment issues.
6) Reading on the subway. I like anyone who really loves to read and there is something really attractive about a guy who uses his time well and loves the written word. It is very East Coast college.
7) Guys who know how to dance. Anyone who can move and feel the music without feeling awkward or weird is someone I admire. I'm not the best at that myself so I find it a turn on.
8) Artists who work in public. There is something about a guy at a cafe table working on a sketch, at a park scribbling in a journal, painting with the door open in his apartment. Someone who has is drawn to art is someone who has something to share.
9) Ties for no reason. I like a guy who wears a tie for no reason because it says something about how polished he is for his own reasons. It is sexy to see that dashing look without being at an office or an wedding.
10) Guys who hold hands. Something about being comfortable in their relationship is put out to the world when they do that. Like they want the entire world to know they are in love.
I am curious about other people's lists. What works for you?
Sunday, November 22, 2009
A Sample
Lucy did this on her blog and I thought it wa a great idea. This is just a small sample of my novel--the set up is that it is a young adult novel where Timothy (The lead character) has decided to stop taking crap for being gay and has a showdown with one of the high school jocks.
Jasper pulled again on Timothy’s arm. “Let’s go,” the British boy pleaded and Timothy let him lead as he stepped away from the jock.
“Fucking faggot freak.” Morgan’s voice was low but echoed across the hall. Timothy stopped dead in his track and the silent continued as he slowly turned back to the football player.
“That’s your one,” Timothy said simply and clearly. “And by the way-this,” Timothy said as he turned and pulled Jasper in by his shirt, “is what a faggot does.” The Asian boy was startled as Timothy leaned in and kissed him fully on the mouth. Timothy felt the other boy’s lips part in surprise and he could taste Chap Stick and cigarettes as he let the lip lock linger. Jasper didn’t fight him but instead leaned more into Timothy as the moment continued.
Abruptly Timothy pushed Jasper back and away as he turned back to Morgan. “Just so we’re clear here. Yeah I’m gay. Yeah I kiss boys. But,” Timothy said as he pointed a finger in Morgan’s face, “you don’t have a fucking thing to say about it.”
Lucy did this on her blog and I thought it wa a great idea. This is just a small sample of my novel--the set up is that it is a young adult novel where Timothy (The lead character) has decided to stop taking crap for being gay and has a showdown with one of the high school jocks.
Jasper pulled again on Timothy’s arm. “Let’s go,” the British boy pleaded and Timothy let him lead as he stepped away from the jock.
“Fucking faggot freak.” Morgan’s voice was low but echoed across the hall. Timothy stopped dead in his track and the silent continued as he slowly turned back to the football player.
“That’s your one,” Timothy said simply and clearly. “And by the way-this,” Timothy said as he turned and pulled Jasper in by his shirt, “is what a faggot does.” The Asian boy was startled as Timothy leaned in and kissed him fully on the mouth. Timothy felt the other boy’s lips part in surprise and he could taste Chap Stick and cigarettes as he let the lip lock linger. Jasper didn’t fight him but instead leaned more into Timothy as the moment continued.
Abruptly Timothy pushed Jasper back and away as he turned back to Morgan. “Just so we’re clear here. Yeah I’m gay. Yeah I kiss boys. But,” Timothy said as he pointed a finger in Morgan’s face, “you don’t have a fucking thing to say about it.”
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Sometimes The World Remind You
Sometimes the world reminds you that yuou are not that important and you hang ups are just placeholders for when real things happen to you and you love. I am going to try and take time today to enjoy the people I love and make time to enjoy being with them more than anything else.I don't want to assume that I will have time to make people feel how important they are in my life.
I plan on trying to show it today
Sometimes the world reminds you that yuou are not that important and you hang ups are just placeholders for when real things happen to you and you love. I am going to try and take time today to enjoy the people I love and make time to enjoy being with them more than anything else.I don't want to assume that I will have time to make people feel how important they are in my life.
I plan on trying to show it today
Just A Quote to Keep in Mind
This is from an old college friend--he's a laywer.
"It would be a lousy world if the only people who were concerned about mistreatment or discrimination were the victims." -Barney Frank(D), Congressman, Massachusetts, 4th District
This is more than true and I wonder how many people realize that?
This is from an old college friend--he's a laywer.
"It would be a lousy world if the only people who were concerned about mistreatment or discrimination were the victims." -Barney Frank(D), Congressman, Massachusetts, 4th District
This is more than true and I wonder how many people realize that?
Friday, November 20, 2009
Own Your Sh*t
I haven't been really doing this as of late. I let myself get sucked into all the bad habits; not working out, letting the novel slide, not making enough effort with the people and things that matter. Part of me was chalking it up to not feeling well and being nervous about that.
But the truth is that it is rather easy to make excuses for letting things slide. That if I want the things I say i do then I have to really focus on them. Successful people do things--not make lists and hem and haw over them.
I have to own that I haven't been the best at that as of late. But here's hoping i can restart the fire and getting cracking with it. It's what i need to do now that i can do that.
I haven't been really doing this as of late. I let myself get sucked into all the bad habits; not working out, letting the novel slide, not making enough effort with the people and things that matter. Part of me was chalking it up to not feeling well and being nervous about that.
But the truth is that it is rather easy to make excuses for letting things slide. That if I want the things I say i do then I have to really focus on them. Successful people do things--not make lists and hem and haw over them.
I have to own that I haven't been the best at that as of late. But here's hoping i can restart the fire and getting cracking with it. It's what i need to do now that i can do that.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
This is True Advice and I Need to Remeber it
You should be anxious and stressed out; it's appropriate to be anxious and stressed out. Your nervousness is prompting you to take things slowly and to be careful and conscientious
This should make me think twice before I go off the deep end and freak out over stress. I mean, it can be a good thing at points and forces me to focus and work on my stuff which can be very important.
You should be anxious and stressed out; it's appropriate to be anxious and stressed out. Your nervousness is prompting you to take things slowly and to be careful and conscientious
This should make me think twice before I go off the deep end and freak out over stress. I mean, it can be a good thing at points and forces me to focus and work on my stuff which can be very important.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
At Least I Was First in the National Press
Here is an article that one of the roomies was quoted in. It is kind of silly and crazy but if you know us, it makes totally sense.
http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB125806880019446147-lMyQjAxMDI5NTE4MzAxNjM4Wj.html
I mean, I really hate this trend but i know that not only will she show up in these some day but it will possibly be my wedding, my birthday or some other moment guarenteed to make me roll my eyes.
I kind of think that is why we love each other.
Here is an article that one of the roomies was quoted in. It is kind of silly and crazy but if you know us, it makes totally sense.
http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB125806880019446147-lMyQjAxMDI5NTE4MzAxNjM4Wj.html
I mean, I really hate this trend but i know that not only will she show up in these some day but it will possibly be my wedding, my birthday or some other moment guarenteed to make me roll my eyes.
I kind of think that is why we love each other.
Monday, November 16, 2009
In-Family Versus the World.
I wasn't sure I was going to write about this. I'm still not sure if I should and that doubt kept from blogging the last few nights. But I decided this is MY blog and I can say what I want to. And I feel like I have something I need to say.
My friends and I play play games with words, with jokes, with witty. We cut each other up sometimes, we point out flaws and foilbles, we sometimes push when really we should hug. There are in jokes that sometimes rub the wrong way, things that can go too far, and we don't know when to leave well enough alone. I am most definately guilty of opening my mouth and crossing lines without meaning to. But I always say I am sorry when it gets that far. And I try to learn to learn from my mistakes.
What I don't do is make statements to third parties that attack my friends. I know the difference between a fight in-familiy and something that can be shared with outsiders. I am careful--even here to try and not hurt or out people's feelings or flaws in a public space. (Yes there is an arguement for the fact that people who know me know who I am talking about. But by default that makes them in family.)
I was just so taken aback that someone would make not only a comment that could possibly be hurtful but took such joy in spreading that comment to our friends who would KNOW that it was aimed at me. It puts a bad taste in my mouth, makes me wonder how someone I care about could be so flip about my feelings.
And the thing is, the person in question will not even care that they hurt my feelings. So it is not worth my energy or time to even try and point out what they did.
I wasn't sure I was going to write about this. I'm still not sure if I should and that doubt kept from blogging the last few nights. But I decided this is MY blog and I can say what I want to. And I feel like I have something I need to say.
My friends and I play play games with words, with jokes, with witty. We cut each other up sometimes, we point out flaws and foilbles, we sometimes push when really we should hug. There are in jokes that sometimes rub the wrong way, things that can go too far, and we don't know when to leave well enough alone. I am most definately guilty of opening my mouth and crossing lines without meaning to. But I always say I am sorry when it gets that far. And I try to learn to learn from my mistakes.
What I don't do is make statements to third parties that attack my friends. I know the difference between a fight in-familiy and something that can be shared with outsiders. I am careful--even here to try and not hurt or out people's feelings or flaws in a public space. (Yes there is an arguement for the fact that people who know me know who I am talking about. But by default that makes them in family.)
I was just so taken aback that someone would make not only a comment that could possibly be hurtful but took such joy in spreading that comment to our friends who would KNOW that it was aimed at me. It puts a bad taste in my mouth, makes me wonder how someone I care about could be so flip about my feelings.
And the thing is, the person in question will not even care that they hurt my feelings. So it is not worth my energy or time to even try and point out what they did.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
The End of Gypsies
So I have been feeling guilty. The boyfriend made an off hand comment a few weeks back about looking forward to getting his new bed. That wasn't the bad part, I am excited too, but the second part is what killed me. He said that he wouldn't have to be a gypsy anymore and lug over bags of stuff to stay at my place as much.
It made me feel bad.
Not because he meant it too; right now staying at my place allows for us to be able to sleep comfortably in a bed large enough for both of us. He only has a twin bed which can make for very restless sleep. I have, in a half daze, almost rolled off his bed face first into the floor a handful of times. I have had to try not to step on him climbing around the small bed. It takes effort.
But there is a part of me that worries that I have taken over his life. We hang with mostly my friends, we do the things that my group plans, we spend nights at my place, he has to drop me off at the end of the night. I hate feeling like the power in the relationship is mine--on some level--and that he feels a bit like I run the show. That's not what I want.
And I know that he didn't mean to upset me with the comment but I was. Not because it hurt me but because I know it is true. That he has to do so much of the 'heavy lifting' that I feel like I take advanatge of him by accident.
I feel like the tramp and the thief. Which, of course, makes him the gypsy.
So I have been feeling guilty. The boyfriend made an off hand comment a few weeks back about looking forward to getting his new bed. That wasn't the bad part, I am excited too, but the second part is what killed me. He said that he wouldn't have to be a gypsy anymore and lug over bags of stuff to stay at my place as much.
It made me feel bad.
Not because he meant it too; right now staying at my place allows for us to be able to sleep comfortably in a bed large enough for both of us. He only has a twin bed which can make for very restless sleep. I have, in a half daze, almost rolled off his bed face first into the floor a handful of times. I have had to try not to step on him climbing around the small bed. It takes effort.
But there is a part of me that worries that I have taken over his life. We hang with mostly my friends, we do the things that my group plans, we spend nights at my place, he has to drop me off at the end of the night. I hate feeling like the power in the relationship is mine--on some level--and that he feels a bit like I run the show. That's not what I want.
And I know that he didn't mean to upset me with the comment but I was. Not because it hurt me but because I know it is true. That he has to do so much of the 'heavy lifting' that I feel like I take advanatge of him by accident.
I feel like the tramp and the thief. Which, of course, makes him the gypsy.
Friday, November 13, 2009
This Is So True
http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/11/13/15-literary-characters-wed-totally-sleep-with
Without exception--I would hook up with each of these novel leads. Though my order would be different and Jay Gatsby would have to be number one and Logan would have to be number two.
And I would sleep with Holden just to make him cry afterwards when I say the sex was really bad and that he needs to get over himself
http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/11/13/15-literary-characters-wed-totally-sleep-with
Without exception--I would hook up with each of these novel leads. Though my order would be different and Jay Gatsby would have to be number one and Logan would have to be number two.
And I would sleep with Holden just to make him cry afterwards when I say the sex was really bad and that he needs to get over himself
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Everything is important
I had an epihany this past week in regards to my novel. I was struggling with making certain events big enough, worrying that the struggles and crosses my characters have to bear were not big enough. I was stopping and stalling because hings did not feel huge enough to be threats or challeneges to the people in more story. But then I remembered something important.
To teenagers EVERYTHING is important and world ENDING.
It's not their fault either. In high school, dances and friendships, popularity and gossip are important. Who says what, what they wore, how they saw it--these things are a matter of life and death. And even the ones who ignore it or don't by into the social mores are still fighting against those things--AGAINST EVERYTHING that shapes their world.
It takes the pressure off to know this.
I had an epihany this past week in regards to my novel. I was struggling with making certain events big enough, worrying that the struggles and crosses my characters have to bear were not big enough. I was stopping and stalling because hings did not feel huge enough to be threats or challeneges to the people in more story. But then I remembered something important.
To teenagers EVERYTHING is important and world ENDING.
It's not their fault either. In high school, dances and friendships, popularity and gossip are important. Who says what, what they wore, how they saw it--these things are a matter of life and death. And even the ones who ignore it or don't by into the social mores are still fighting against those things--AGAINST EVERYTHING that shapes their world.
It takes the pressure off to know this.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Sometimes You Have to Wonder
So I talked to Samuel last night. We were on the phone for three hours, dancing from writing to television to boyfriends and family; we're both invested in our seperate happiness. It's weird because I have never had an ex that I am still so connected to but it is nice and novel. It feels right.
But as we were talking I was thinking about all the times it has come up, but not to my face, about how my friends talk to Johnno about Samuel. They're never directly rude, that I know of, but they constant imply that my relationship with Samuel was not a good one. In the sense of they just put up with me dating him and, by default, dealt with him only because of that. It makes me feel like a fool.
Not because I regret the relationship with Samuel; I don't. But it makes me wonder how honest my friends were about that relationship if all they have to say is such negative things about it and him. I can't help but wonder if they just went along with it because it was easier than pointing out there was a problem. And if that is what they were doing then it makes me wonder about what else they keep from saying to me.
I am more curious than worried, more bummed than angry about the situtation.
There is also a part of me that says that after any and all break ups--we all latch on to the negative things so that we can help our friends move on from heartbreak. That I am reading too much into the casual diss, the slight revisionist history that seems to have sprung up in the aftermath. It's easier than thinking that my friends would just sit by and watch me make a fool of myself.
So I talked to Samuel last night. We were on the phone for three hours, dancing from writing to television to boyfriends and family; we're both invested in our seperate happiness. It's weird because I have never had an ex that I am still so connected to but it is nice and novel. It feels right.
But as we were talking I was thinking about all the times it has come up, but not to my face, about how my friends talk to Johnno about Samuel. They're never directly rude, that I know of, but they constant imply that my relationship with Samuel was not a good one. In the sense of they just put up with me dating him and, by default, dealt with him only because of that. It makes me feel like a fool.
Not because I regret the relationship with Samuel; I don't. But it makes me wonder how honest my friends were about that relationship if all they have to say is such negative things about it and him. I can't help but wonder if they just went along with it because it was easier than pointing out there was a problem. And if that is what they were doing then it makes me wonder about what else they keep from saying to me.
I am more curious than worried, more bummed than angry about the situtation.
There is also a part of me that says that after any and all break ups--we all latch on to the negative things so that we can help our friends move on from heartbreak. That I am reading too much into the casual diss, the slight revisionist history that seems to have sprung up in the aftermath. It's easier than thinking that my friends would just sit by and watch me make a fool of myself.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof or FB Update
I have spent the day restless. I am sure it is being unemployed for such a long time, being tired from my weekend, feeling the weather and a bit overly stimulated but under challenged. Whatever the reason, I spent my day on edge, bored and looking for something to distract me.
Watching Gossip Girl did not help.
The truth is I have been feeling rather comfortable as of late--something that dulls my edges, makes me less interesting, doesn't allow for stories and experiences to draw on creatively. What I want is to be trouble for a bit.
And that is not a typo--I want to be trouble. I want to make out with my boyfriend against fences, dance around the Ganja house, go to a party and dance all night, wear great outfits in dive bars and end up in loft parties with spoken word and naked art. I want to feel like I have been expanded and bent and mended into something new. I want to feel something more.
And I am not sure where this feeling came from but it is not going anywhere yet!
I have spent the day restless. I am sure it is being unemployed for such a long time, being tired from my weekend, feeling the weather and a bit overly stimulated but under challenged. Whatever the reason, I spent my day on edge, bored and looking for something to distract me.
Watching Gossip Girl did not help.
The truth is I have been feeling rather comfortable as of late--something that dulls my edges, makes me less interesting, doesn't allow for stories and experiences to draw on creatively. What I want is to be trouble for a bit.
And that is not a typo--I want to be trouble. I want to make out with my boyfriend against fences, dance around the Ganja house, go to a party and dance all night, wear great outfits in dive bars and end up in loft parties with spoken word and naked art. I want to feel like I have been expanded and bent and mended into something new. I want to feel something more.
And I am not sure where this feeling came from but it is not going anywhere yet!
Monday, November 09, 2009
Knick Knacks Or This Dog Doesn't Need a Bone
Today I was getting coffe, stumbling around the aprtment when I knocked a magnet off my fridge. It wasn't my magnet-it was one of the dolls-and as I put it up I wondered what it meant. I don't have magnets, I don't collect shot glasses, I only put up pictures of friends and family recently. I guess I'm not a sentimentalist.
I have been dealing a lot with knick knacks, bric a brac, souveniers lately. I have been helping the boyfriend redesign his apartment; moving around furniture, putting up shelves and mirrors, organizing things to prepare for his new bed. I spent all day Sunday putting away books and films, pictures and papers but I had the hardest time figuring out what to do with his momentos. I spent last Monday helping Kelly and Johnny move from their apartment into their house, struggling with boxes of letters and cards and handfuls of leis from concerts and novelty items and not getting it. Because I don't have those type of things.
Part of me wonders if this is weird. That outside of letters from college and college friends, a handful of stuffed animals from various family members and carnival fairways and old journals--I don't really keep much other stuff. Part of me doesn't like the clutter of greeting cards with just signatures or empty plastic cups from casinos or ticket stubs from concerts. Maybe it is because I try and write down all the important things here and in my other journals--that the emotions and memories, songs lyrics and quotes from friends, are all in one place with context attached.
I document my life this way because it feels easier to keep contained and understood. Even when things change and grow, when the plot twists and turns, I can look back and with in minutes understand and remember everything so clearly. That by choosing words and sentences with though and detail I can reenforce all the moments and people in my life by putting it down in black and white. That I don't need to be reminded that I got lots of holiday cards or that people like to remember me on my birthday--that instead I can go back and read my story any time and know how I got where I am and who got there with me.
But still-there is a part of me that wonders if I am weird for this since everyone else seems to keep boxes and shelves of the past's most physical aspects. That maybe I am more aloof than I think because I don't feel the need to have tactile proof of my adventures and associations.
Or maybe it is just that I have an amazing memory?
Today I was getting coffe, stumbling around the aprtment when I knocked a magnet off my fridge. It wasn't my magnet-it was one of the dolls-and as I put it up I wondered what it meant. I don't have magnets, I don't collect shot glasses, I only put up pictures of friends and family recently. I guess I'm not a sentimentalist.
I have been dealing a lot with knick knacks, bric a brac, souveniers lately. I have been helping the boyfriend redesign his apartment; moving around furniture, putting up shelves and mirrors, organizing things to prepare for his new bed. I spent all day Sunday putting away books and films, pictures and papers but I had the hardest time figuring out what to do with his momentos. I spent last Monday helping Kelly and Johnny move from their apartment into their house, struggling with boxes of letters and cards and handfuls of leis from concerts and novelty items and not getting it. Because I don't have those type of things.
Part of me wonders if this is weird. That outside of letters from college and college friends, a handful of stuffed animals from various family members and carnival fairways and old journals--I don't really keep much other stuff. Part of me doesn't like the clutter of greeting cards with just signatures or empty plastic cups from casinos or ticket stubs from concerts. Maybe it is because I try and write down all the important things here and in my other journals--that the emotions and memories, songs lyrics and quotes from friends, are all in one place with context attached.
I document my life this way because it feels easier to keep contained and understood. Even when things change and grow, when the plot twists and turns, I can look back and with in minutes understand and remember everything so clearly. That by choosing words and sentences with though and detail I can reenforce all the moments and people in my life by putting it down in black and white. That I don't need to be reminded that I got lots of holiday cards or that people like to remember me on my birthday--that instead I can go back and read my story any time and know how I got where I am and who got there with me.
But still-there is a part of me that wonders if I am weird for this since everyone else seems to keep boxes and shelves of the past's most physical aspects. That maybe I am more aloof than I think because I don't feel the need to have tactile proof of my adventures and associations.
Or maybe it is just that I have an amazing memory?
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Quote of the Day
"If someone tells you they are an asshole, believe them. Don't think you can change them, that if you stick by them, they will get better."
My mom once told me this as a piece of dating advice. She said this shortly after I came out to her about being gay and ating boys. I like to think that this was her way of showing how accepting and proud she was of me.
That and she did not want me to make her mistakes.
"If someone tells you they are an asshole, believe them. Don't think you can change them, that if you stick by them, they will get better."
My mom once told me this as a piece of dating advice. She said this shortly after I came out to her about being gay and ating boys. I like to think that this was her way of showing how accepting and proud she was of me.
That and she did not want me to make her mistakes.
Friday, November 06, 2009
Not Sure
There isn't really much to say about today. I spent my day focused on my novel, rewriting from the beginning to clear up new plot elements which is eaiser and yet more diffcult than I thought. I do believe I have made the right choice when it comes to most of my changes but there is still a nagging doubt about the project.
I don't know if I am doubting my prose, my structure or my abilty to create fully realized characters. there is also a huge chance I am just staring at my navel as a way to prevent progress. I don't know.
Instead I am going off to watch 'Vampire Diaries.' Judge if you must
There isn't really much to say about today. I spent my day focused on my novel, rewriting from the beginning to clear up new plot elements which is eaiser and yet more diffcult than I thought. I do believe I have made the right choice when it comes to most of my changes but there is still a nagging doubt about the project.
I don't know if I am doubting my prose, my structure or my abilty to create fully realized characters. there is also a huge chance I am just staring at my navel as a way to prevent progress. I don't know.
Instead I am going off to watch 'Vampire Diaries.' Judge if you must
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
The Curse of A Beautiful Bed
I spent today being superfical. I went and had my hair cut, I use my handheld micro derm machine on my skin, I colored my hair, I wore an eye mask and even did that thing with the trays and the teeth whiting. I cuddled up on my couch and watched bad tv while I did these things in the proper order for no real reason except I felt I needed to.
I like to think I am not a shallow person; that I have deep thoughts, that I care about people and ideas and things, that I make an effort to make my friends', my family and boyfriend's lives better which, in turn, makes mine better. I spend time labeling all my music, decorating my house and other people's space, I work out regularly and keep myself on a meal plan so that I can look the way I want in all the clothes I buy.
I like the way my cursive writing looks.
But somehow liking those things seems to be so skin deep, so on the surface that sometimes I wonder if I am a terrible person for wasting my time and energy there instead of elsewhere. Because most people would say that having these things as a focal point in my life shows that I m only concerned about myself and I can't help but think if that is right.
I worry and wonder.
I am not sure why I am driven to do this--where this all comes from--this need for perfection. Part of me chalks it up to control, that I try and manage and handle what I know I can so that I don't worry about all the things that I can't. That on some level I believe if things look good and are clean and in their place then it means that all the underlining stuff is also in it's place. That by having it in order then somehow that adds up to everything being in order.
Or maybe it just makes me happy. Maybe that is all it takes for me to be content is a made bed, a stylish outfit, ten less pounds and one easily found song in my itunes. And if that is all it takes then maybe I am more easily pleased with things.
I am not sure if that is good or bed but it makes me sleep easier in bed. Even if that means I will have to remake that bed the next day and start all over.
I spent today being superfical. I went and had my hair cut, I use my handheld micro derm machine on my skin, I colored my hair, I wore an eye mask and even did that thing with the trays and the teeth whiting. I cuddled up on my couch and watched bad tv while I did these things in the proper order for no real reason except I felt I needed to.
I like to think I am not a shallow person; that I have deep thoughts, that I care about people and ideas and things, that I make an effort to make my friends', my family and boyfriend's lives better which, in turn, makes mine better. I spend time labeling all my music, decorating my house and other people's space, I work out regularly and keep myself on a meal plan so that I can look the way I want in all the clothes I buy.
I like the way my cursive writing looks.
But somehow liking those things seems to be so skin deep, so on the surface that sometimes I wonder if I am a terrible person for wasting my time and energy there instead of elsewhere. Because most people would say that having these things as a focal point in my life shows that I m only concerned about myself and I can't help but think if that is right.
I worry and wonder.
I am not sure why I am driven to do this--where this all comes from--this need for perfection. Part of me chalks it up to control, that I try and manage and handle what I know I can so that I don't worry about all the things that I can't. That on some level I believe if things look good and are clean and in their place then it means that all the underlining stuff is also in it's place. That by having it in order then somehow that adds up to everything being in order.
Or maybe it just makes me happy. Maybe that is all it takes for me to be content is a made bed, a stylish outfit, ten less pounds and one easily found song in my itunes. And if that is all it takes then maybe I am more easily pleased with things.
I am not sure if that is good or bed but it makes me sleep easier in bed. Even if that means I will have to remake that bed the next day and start all over.
Frustration
So-after a two week wait I finally contacted Piper about my job interview from two Tuesdays ago. I decided to take Edie and Johnno's advice and sent off an email asking for the status of the situation. Piper wrote me back a few hours later, promising me an email to work out the details about what was going to happen.
The weird thing is that in her email Piper said she called me last week. I have no voice mail from Piper, nor any indication that she even tried to call me. I grew worried about there being a problem with my phone but held off on doing anything since I didn't have time to check the situation.
I then spent the rest of the day helping Kelly and Johnny move into their new rental house--I checked my email periodicaly but there was nothing sent to me by Piper and I was getting even more frustrated. One minute she is calling me about my resume but the next she can't even call or email back when she says she will. This has been the pattern this entire job proccess--if I don't keep on her with constant attention then nothing happens.
In all of my time working freelance in television I have NEVER had this much of a song and dance in order to get a job. Most producers want to hire someone ASAP, they either let you know right away that you are hired or let you off the hook a day or two later. And I have worked on the staff of some in-demand, high pressure shows, high rated shows, one's that there are people lined up to take my place. This is not one of those shows.
As I was finishing up with the move, my phone rang but I had two boxes in my hand and couldn't do more than just glance at the number. I didn't know who the caller was but figured they would leave a message if they wanted to talk to me or else it was just a telemarketer. No harm no foul. And once the call ended, and no message was left, I forgot about it.
It wasn't until I was home that night and working at my desk when I flipped open my phone and glanced again at the number on the screen. The number looked vaguely familar and I tried to run through the options in my head. It was only as I moved around some papers on my desk that I realized it was Piper's number from my interview notes. And I was dumbfounded.
Because this meant that Piper had called me last week but never bothered to leave a message. I was so stunned because from the tone of her email she implied I should have KNOWN she had called. But she didn't leave a message?
NEVER in ALL my time working in television have I had to deal with a POST SUPERVISOR who does NOT leave messages! It is part of the JOB DESCRIPTION to make phones calls, to FOLLOW UP with possible hires and make START DATES. WTF?
So I called her today (AGAIN) and spoke to one of the girls in the office who SWORE she would have Piper call back tonight to talk. And, once again, Piper DID NOT CALL or EMAIL me anything at all.
So I am done with this. I have been pushing and pulling with this woman to get the job and the details nailed down. I made a choice that if she did not contact me tonight through email or phone then I would wash my hands of the situation. Because I do understand busy shows and hectic production schedules but even LIVE TELEVISION handles this stuff with more professionalism and timeliness.
SHE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE A VOICE MAIL? WTF!
So-after a two week wait I finally contacted Piper about my job interview from two Tuesdays ago. I decided to take Edie and Johnno's advice and sent off an email asking for the status of the situation. Piper wrote me back a few hours later, promising me an email to work out the details about what was going to happen.
The weird thing is that in her email Piper said she called me last week. I have no voice mail from Piper, nor any indication that she even tried to call me. I grew worried about there being a problem with my phone but held off on doing anything since I didn't have time to check the situation.
I then spent the rest of the day helping Kelly and Johnny move into their new rental house--I checked my email periodicaly but there was nothing sent to me by Piper and I was getting even more frustrated. One minute she is calling me about my resume but the next she can't even call or email back when she says she will. This has been the pattern this entire job proccess--if I don't keep on her with constant attention then nothing happens.
In all of my time working freelance in television I have NEVER had this much of a song and dance in order to get a job. Most producers want to hire someone ASAP, they either let you know right away that you are hired or let you off the hook a day or two later. And I have worked on the staff of some in-demand, high pressure shows, high rated shows, one's that there are people lined up to take my place. This is not one of those shows.
As I was finishing up with the move, my phone rang but I had two boxes in my hand and couldn't do more than just glance at the number. I didn't know who the caller was but figured they would leave a message if they wanted to talk to me or else it was just a telemarketer. No harm no foul. And once the call ended, and no message was left, I forgot about it.
It wasn't until I was home that night and working at my desk when I flipped open my phone and glanced again at the number on the screen. The number looked vaguely familar and I tried to run through the options in my head. It was only as I moved around some papers on my desk that I realized it was Piper's number from my interview notes. And I was dumbfounded.
Because this meant that Piper had called me last week but never bothered to leave a message. I was so stunned because from the tone of her email she implied I should have KNOWN she had called. But she didn't leave a message?
NEVER in ALL my time working in television have I had to deal with a POST SUPERVISOR who does NOT leave messages! It is part of the JOB DESCRIPTION to make phones calls, to FOLLOW UP with possible hires and make START DATES. WTF?
So I called her today (AGAIN) and spoke to one of the girls in the office who SWORE she would have Piper call back tonight to talk. And, once again, Piper DID NOT CALL or EMAIL me anything at all.
So I am done with this. I have been pushing and pulling with this woman to get the job and the details nailed down. I made a choice that if she did not contact me tonight through email or phone then I would wash my hands of the situation. Because I do understand busy shows and hectic production schedules but even LIVE TELEVISION handles this stuff with more professionalism and timeliness.
SHE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE A VOICE MAIL? WTF!
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Hot Mess
Everyone that I know at some point has been a hot mess. Maybe they were dumped and took up competitive eating, per chance they were tired of dating and took up a hobby of one night stands, sometimes they send a little too much time at the bar or with the bottle; life happens.
And there is nothing wrong with this, this need to act out, spiral off and lose control, try to drop out of life for a while but there is a point when enough is enough. It's when you burst a blood vessel from too much drink or when you can't remember all of the people you've spent with in a month or maybe it is after you gain that first ten pounds and have to see your ex at a holiday party but there is always a point when it is time to stop and get yourself together.
But some people don't know how to do this. They get thrown out of parties or end up at the free clinic, maybe they wake up in the ER after having they stomach pumped or when they can't fit into their 'fat jeans' and everyone else in their life knows that something has to to change. But they don't know how to speak up or want to be the person to have that 'talk'.
It makes one question the bond of friendship when this happens. Part of being in someone's life in a meaningful way means have to risk the relationship to talk about real things. To ask what is really going on, to point when things have gone too far, to stop allowing excuses and justifications to override common sense.
And if you are not capable of having this type of conversation then maybe it is time to question the reality of the friendship. If you don't care enough to help someone when they are hurting then maybe you don't care enough. Being a friend is not all cocktails and secrets, photographs and parties. Sometimes it is about being the one person who can chance rejection to make a difference.
Hopefully you and I have people in our lives who can do that.
Everyone that I know at some point has been a hot mess. Maybe they were dumped and took up competitive eating, per chance they were tired of dating and took up a hobby of one night stands, sometimes they send a little too much time at the bar or with the bottle; life happens.
And there is nothing wrong with this, this need to act out, spiral off and lose control, try to drop out of life for a while but there is a point when enough is enough. It's when you burst a blood vessel from too much drink or when you can't remember all of the people you've spent with in a month or maybe it is after you gain that first ten pounds and have to see your ex at a holiday party but there is always a point when it is time to stop and get yourself together.
But some people don't know how to do this. They get thrown out of parties or end up at the free clinic, maybe they wake up in the ER after having they stomach pumped or when they can't fit into their 'fat jeans' and everyone else in their life knows that something has to to change. But they don't know how to speak up or want to be the person to have that 'talk'.
It makes one question the bond of friendship when this happens. Part of being in someone's life in a meaningful way means have to risk the relationship to talk about real things. To ask what is really going on, to point when things have gone too far, to stop allowing excuses and justifications to override common sense.
And if you are not capable of having this type of conversation then maybe it is time to question the reality of the friendship. If you don't care enough to help someone when they are hurting then maybe you don't care enough. Being a friend is not all cocktails and secrets, photographs and parties. Sometimes it is about being the one person who can chance rejection to make a difference.
Hopefully you and I have people in our lives who can do that.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Because I Should
This year I am not doing NanoWriMo. I am skipping it not because I can't do it--last year proved I could do it--but because it is mor important to me to finish up last year's novel. But I feel kind of guilty about letting myself off the hook. It is an intense process and one that found me rediscovering my creative side and pushed me to work harder. It reminded me that I am capable of going full on when it comes to my writing and something I have to do.
It made me feel good about myself.
But instead I am going to force myself to bog everyday. Not because I have an audience, not because life has suddenly become better fodder for recapping but because I can. I'm not sure how this will work out because it will be a struggle to try and keep this readable but I figure it will push me to keep my fingers moving.
Hopefully this won't bore the hell out of people.
This year I am not doing NanoWriMo. I am skipping it not because I can't do it--last year proved I could do it--but because it is mor important to me to finish up last year's novel. But I feel kind of guilty about letting myself off the hook. It is an intense process and one that found me rediscovering my creative side and pushed me to work harder. It reminded me that I am capable of going full on when it comes to my writing and something I have to do.
It made me feel good about myself.
But instead I am going to force myself to bog everyday. Not because I have an audience, not because life has suddenly become better fodder for recapping but because I can. I'm not sure how this will work out because it will be a struggle to try and keep this readable but I figure it will push me to keep my fingers moving.
Hopefully this won't bore the hell out of people.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Like A Twist of a Kaleidoscope
So I have recently restarted on the novel. I hit a huge snag in the spring of last year and put it on a shelf until i could figure out how to best deal with my plot issues. I let the boy read and give notes which helped open up a bunch of doors for me. I picked up where I left off in the story pretty easy after a few days.
And then I hit a wall.
What I came to realize is that I had this HUGE plot device, a high school play, that was becoming more of a burden than a help in the overall story. I just felt it was unfair to have ALL my main characters involved in the play production without being able to have parts of the play in the novel. This wasn't because the high school was doing some established play (Hello copywrite issues) but because the play was a original work for the school and something I felt, as the writer, I would have to explain.
And it was becoming so much of a headache that I was lost and losing ground on the story. But fortunately last night I had a 'lightbulb' moment and figured out how to replace the play with something equally useful as a device without having to scrap the whole story. What is even more interesting is that an old idea, one I threw away, has now been reintroduced in the story as an effective plot element and even led to a couple new stylistic choices.
I feel like with one flick of the wrist I have saved the whole novel and am eagerly rewritting and continuing with my story. It might even be good now!
So I have recently restarted on the novel. I hit a huge snag in the spring of last year and put it on a shelf until i could figure out how to best deal with my plot issues. I let the boy read and give notes which helped open up a bunch of doors for me. I picked up where I left off in the story pretty easy after a few days.
And then I hit a wall.
What I came to realize is that I had this HUGE plot device, a high school play, that was becoming more of a burden than a help in the overall story. I just felt it was unfair to have ALL my main characters involved in the play production without being able to have parts of the play in the novel. This wasn't because the high school was doing some established play (Hello copywrite issues) but because the play was a original work for the school and something I felt, as the writer, I would have to explain.
And it was becoming so much of a headache that I was lost and losing ground on the story. But fortunately last night I had a 'lightbulb' moment and figured out how to replace the play with something equally useful as a device without having to scrap the whole story. What is even more interesting is that an old idea, one I threw away, has now been reintroduced in the story as an effective plot element and even led to a couple new stylistic choices.
I feel like with one flick of the wrist I have saved the whole novel and am eagerly rewritting and continuing with my story. It might even be good now!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
What is Your Responsibilty
Question-at what point do you wash your hands of a situation?
Two weeks ago I sent my resume in response to a posting with a reality website. The job wasn't ideal but I figured I needed a job more than anything so I just decided to try and apply. They called me back about a half hour later and we talked about meeting up for an interview. I couldn't do one that day so we made plans to talk on that Friday to schedule up.
On Friday I called into the office, as I was asked, and was told that the woman I was dealing with was busy but we would talk in a few hours. During this time, I went and plotted out my travel time for the trip and even went so far as to make a dry run as I waited for a return call. I never got one and in the meantime I started to feel like maybe it wasn't the right job for me.
After a day of hemming and hawing, Kirby and I talked about it and she pushed me to pursue the job. It was the right choice but I decided that I would wait until they called me back to set up a new apppointment. When I hadn't heard anything by Tuesday I called in and Shirley and I set up an interview for 3 o'clock that afternoon. She was to send me exact directions for the office and so I gathered up my stuff to be ready.
By 2 o'clock I still hadn't heard anything and was freaking out--for me to get to the interview I would have to leave the apartment shortly and was about to just go when I got an email changing my interview to 530. I was a bit annoyed because IO had to email back and request the address again but was good to go.
The interview itself went well; the office was closer than I thought, the vibe of the place seemed cool and I would even be learning anew program as part of the job. Shirley asked me to email another copy of my resume so that she could get the final okay but told me I was pretty much her man. I was the only person they even called in to interview so I was pretty much their only hope.
I have not heard a thing since last Tuesday from them. There is a part of me that says I should call in and check on what is happening but there is another part of me that says I shouldn't have too. They supposedly want me so why do I have to be the one chasing? And if they are this disorganized then do I really want to be a part of this production?
I kind of feel like I should just wash my hands of the whole thing. If they call and hire then I am willing but this shouldn't be my call to make. But I can't help but wonder if I might regret this down the road.
Question-at what point do you wash your hands of a situation?
Two weeks ago I sent my resume in response to a posting with a reality website. The job wasn't ideal but I figured I needed a job more than anything so I just decided to try and apply. They called me back about a half hour later and we talked about meeting up for an interview. I couldn't do one that day so we made plans to talk on that Friday to schedule up.
On Friday I called into the office, as I was asked, and was told that the woman I was dealing with was busy but we would talk in a few hours. During this time, I went and plotted out my travel time for the trip and even went so far as to make a dry run as I waited for a return call. I never got one and in the meantime I started to feel like maybe it wasn't the right job for me.
After a day of hemming and hawing, Kirby and I talked about it and she pushed me to pursue the job. It was the right choice but I decided that I would wait until they called me back to set up a new apppointment. When I hadn't heard anything by Tuesday I called in and Shirley and I set up an interview for 3 o'clock that afternoon. She was to send me exact directions for the office and so I gathered up my stuff to be ready.
By 2 o'clock I still hadn't heard anything and was freaking out--for me to get to the interview I would have to leave the apartment shortly and was about to just go when I got an email changing my interview to 530. I was a bit annoyed because IO had to email back and request the address again but was good to go.
The interview itself went well; the office was closer than I thought, the vibe of the place seemed cool and I would even be learning anew program as part of the job. Shirley asked me to email another copy of my resume so that she could get the final okay but told me I was pretty much her man. I was the only person they even called in to interview so I was pretty much their only hope.
I have not heard a thing since last Tuesday from them. There is a part of me that says I should call in and check on what is happening but there is another part of me that says I shouldn't have too. They supposedly want me so why do I have to be the one chasing? And if they are this disorganized then do I really want to be a part of this production?
I kind of feel like I should just wash my hands of the whole thing. If they call and hire then I am willing but this shouldn't be my call to make. But I can't help but wonder if I might regret this down the road.
The Egg and I
I have always had food allergies since I was a small child; not the normal peanut allergy or the brief milk type but unique and multiple ones. I cannot have bananas, pumpkin, zucchini, squash, yams, sweet potaoes, gourds or avacados. I get hives, I swell up, I turn blue in the face, I get a burning sensation when I come into contact with any of these. It's always been that way and was more diffcult since my parents were basically veggies when I was growing up.
I am used to this shite.
But as of late I discovered something new. The boy and I switched to a new meal plan which is breaks down to being mostly carb free--we eat lots of chicken, red meat, turkey, salmon, eggs, veggies and nuts. It's been hard but finally forced me to cook more and led to me (and him) each losing about twenty pounds. It has been great to have things fit differently, to wear belts and smaller sizes.
But recently something has come up. Early this summer I went to the ER because I was horribly sick; I felt a huge pain in my stomach that wouldn't go away and which they finally told me was type of gas situation. It was gross but it passed and I was fine with almost everything. This was weird though because I usually have a steel stomach and could eat almost anything from hot salsa, peppers, japelenos and even tobasco without batting an eye.
Then the sick feeling started again early this month. I would have breakfast with the boy of eggs and bacon or eggs and chirzo but hours late I would be in miserable pain. It made no sense whatsoover so Johnno and I tried to figure out what was wrong. At first we thought maybe it was the chrizo but I could eat it fine sometimes, then we thought maybe it was the grease from the bacon when we made eggs but then that was fine when I would make bacon to crumble for salads.
So then we started to wonder if we weren't cooking the eggs enough. After one particluar day when I just felt so sick I was unable to even sit comfortably we decided to give one last test. We went out to brunch at one of our normal haunts and I had the usual eggs with cheese and bacon and veggies scrambled in. As we got home that day I was suddenly in such pain I had to throw up my entire breakfast to even be able to try and lay down for a nap. It was horrible.
And so then we took to the internets to try and see what we culd find. Turns out that I may have developed an intolerance to eggs. It's the only common feature in each inccident--that makes me sick and uncomfortable to the point I would lay on the floor in the bathroom and roll on the cold tile.
It sucks because I never really like eggs growing up and had finally seemed to gain a taste for the little suckers. But what is rather odd is that I can still have mayo with things--it just seemed to be any egg dish itslef that causes the problem.
Last thing i need is another food off my menu
I have always had food allergies since I was a small child; not the normal peanut allergy or the brief milk type but unique and multiple ones. I cannot have bananas, pumpkin, zucchini, squash, yams, sweet potaoes, gourds or avacados. I get hives, I swell up, I turn blue in the face, I get a burning sensation when I come into contact with any of these. It's always been that way and was more diffcult since my parents were basically veggies when I was growing up.
I am used to this shite.
But as of late I discovered something new. The boy and I switched to a new meal plan which is breaks down to being mostly carb free--we eat lots of chicken, red meat, turkey, salmon, eggs, veggies and nuts. It's been hard but finally forced me to cook more and led to me (and him) each losing about twenty pounds. It has been great to have things fit differently, to wear belts and smaller sizes.
But recently something has come up. Early this summer I went to the ER because I was horribly sick; I felt a huge pain in my stomach that wouldn't go away and which they finally told me was type of gas situation. It was gross but it passed and I was fine with almost everything. This was weird though because I usually have a steel stomach and could eat almost anything from hot salsa, peppers, japelenos and even tobasco without batting an eye.
Then the sick feeling started again early this month. I would have breakfast with the boy of eggs and bacon or eggs and chirzo but hours late I would be in miserable pain. It made no sense whatsoover so Johnno and I tried to figure out what was wrong. At first we thought maybe it was the chrizo but I could eat it fine sometimes, then we thought maybe it was the grease from the bacon when we made eggs but then that was fine when I would make bacon to crumble for salads.
So then we started to wonder if we weren't cooking the eggs enough. After one particluar day when I just felt so sick I was unable to even sit comfortably we decided to give one last test. We went out to brunch at one of our normal haunts and I had the usual eggs with cheese and bacon and veggies scrambled in. As we got home that day I was suddenly in such pain I had to throw up my entire breakfast to even be able to try and lay down for a nap. It was horrible.
And so then we took to the internets to try and see what we culd find. Turns out that I may have developed an intolerance to eggs. It's the only common feature in each inccident--that makes me sick and uncomfortable to the point I would lay on the floor in the bathroom and roll on the cold tile.
It sucks because I never really like eggs growing up and had finally seemed to gain a taste for the little suckers. But what is rather odd is that I can still have mayo with things--it just seemed to be any egg dish itslef that causes the problem.
Last thing i need is another food off my menu
Monday, October 26, 2009
Ten Things Learned
So I went to a Hollywood Hills Halloween party--friends of Edward and Vivian's were hosting and the girls (Kelly, Valeska, Ali, and Lola), the boyfriend (Johnno) and I hopped in a taxi, costumed, and pre party tipsy. It was different the usual Detriot Street Halloween (which is next weekend) in that it was a set of brothers, Greg and Wayne, who were frat boy type friends of Edward's so the vibe was guarenteed to be unusual. I have hung with the brothers before but it's hard to get a read on whether they like this group--and I am not sure but suspect that I and Johnno might be their token "gay friends".
That all said--I did learn the following ten things.
1) Straight boys always seem to think it is the late 80s, early 90s when it comes to music. One is assured to hear Bizmarkee, Young MC as well as early Biggie, Tupac and Snoog multiple times at said party.
2)If the hottest guy at the party is in his speedo in the hot tub it is your duty to find your boyfriend, your best friends, your roommate and the two girls you always see at random parties to help enjoy the view.
3) Nobody uses Grey Goose, Sky or Absolute Vodka in their jelly shots ergo any jelly shots you take will be made with cheap ghetto vodka. Forewarned is forarmed.
4) Douche bags belong alseep in the closet at the end of the night.
5) Tying a corset is hard regardless of the condition of your hands.
6) Never put your lighter on the edge of a balcony at a party with drunken slutty girls in costume. It will ALWAYS be knocked off the ledge and impossible to retrive.
7) At some point your body will decide it is time to leave--go before the party turns all tranny-like and hot mess laden.
8) NEVER DRINK GATORADE AND BOOZE TOGETHER. (Most people learned this in high school but some people still have to be schooled.)
9) Your boyfriend can throw up out a cab window effortless and should be rewarded by making sure the cab driver does not notice.
10) Never trust a drunk girl when she promises she can get herself and your friend home. She cannot handle this task and you will be called out on this decision
So I went to a Hollywood Hills Halloween party--friends of Edward and Vivian's were hosting and the girls (Kelly, Valeska, Ali, and Lola), the boyfriend (Johnno) and I hopped in a taxi, costumed, and pre party tipsy. It was different the usual Detriot Street Halloween (which is next weekend) in that it was a set of brothers, Greg and Wayne, who were frat boy type friends of Edward's so the vibe was guarenteed to be unusual. I have hung with the brothers before but it's hard to get a read on whether they like this group--and I am not sure but suspect that I and Johnno might be their token "gay friends".
That all said--I did learn the following ten things.
1) Straight boys always seem to think it is the late 80s, early 90s when it comes to music. One is assured to hear Bizmarkee, Young MC as well as early Biggie, Tupac and Snoog multiple times at said party.
2)If the hottest guy at the party is in his speedo in the hot tub it is your duty to find your boyfriend, your best friends, your roommate and the two girls you always see at random parties to help enjoy the view.
3) Nobody uses Grey Goose, Sky or Absolute Vodka in their jelly shots ergo any jelly shots you take will be made with cheap ghetto vodka. Forewarned is forarmed.
4) Douche bags belong alseep in the closet at the end of the night.
5) Tying a corset is hard regardless of the condition of your hands.
6) Never put your lighter on the edge of a balcony at a party with drunken slutty girls in costume. It will ALWAYS be knocked off the ledge and impossible to retrive.
7) At some point your body will decide it is time to leave--go before the party turns all tranny-like and hot mess laden.
8) NEVER DRINK GATORADE AND BOOZE TOGETHER. (Most people learned this in high school but some people still have to be schooled.)
9) Your boyfriend can throw up out a cab window effortless and should be rewarded by making sure the cab driver does not notice.
10) Never trust a drunk girl when she promises she can get herself and your friend home. She cannot handle this task and you will be called out on this decision
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Playing House
The week before Halloween is always so busy for me between juggling costumes and planning I find myself suddenly busy and all over the place. And this past week has not been any exception. But what has been odd is the boy has been over to the Dollhouse every night thus far this week--since last Friday.
It is weird--I find I am the type person who needs alone time; time for DVR and face masks, closet time and singing all with my itunes as I bounce around the apartment either in sweats or overly dressed. But instead I have found myself making dinners and lounging on couches for sitcoms and reruns with the boy as we craft and laugh and cuddle. It's like living together without the lease or the bills or the worries.
I'm not sure how it makes me feeel.
The week before Halloween is always so busy for me between juggling costumes and planning I find myself suddenly busy and all over the place. And this past week has not been any exception. But what has been odd is the boy has been over to the Dollhouse every night thus far this week--since last Friday.
It is weird--I find I am the type person who needs alone time; time for DVR and face masks, closet time and singing all with my itunes as I bounce around the apartment either in sweats or overly dressed. But instead I have found myself making dinners and lounging on couches for sitcoms and reruns with the boy as we craft and laugh and cuddle. It's like living together without the lease or the bills or the worries.
I'm not sure how it makes me feeel.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Somewhere Unfamilar
Johnno fell down the stairs tonight. It was an accident and my fault--we were throwing out parts of our halloween costume and I took him out a different way than nomral and he couldn't see.
My heart stopped.
It was one of those loud and heavy falls where you just eat the pavement and all you can do is just take a second and ctach your breath. But I felt my heart freeze up because I heard the sound and didn't see it and when I turned around I felt myself just go stone cold. I was almost sick.
But he is fine--he dusted himself off before standing--and yet I felt as if everything wasn't.
I have been dealing with a lot of my crazies as of late--jobs and friends and money and art and a million small cracks in the looking glass--and this just shook me up more. I don't think I knew until recently how poorly I handle change because I am so good at chaos that I just kept associating the two when they are not the same. Chaos is fast and in your face, it requires quick thoughts and snappy wit or reflexes and candor but change, true change, is slow and small and creeps in behind the scenes. It replaces each part of the stage until the scene is different while chaos is like a fire or a tidal wave that just happens and you have to fight to stay above it.
But the most crazy thing is the boy. Everytime I think I have a grasp on what I feel about him and where it could be going (Thanks Sex In The City for that) I find myself somewhere new and different. Having him fall in front of me made me so upset and the depth of that feeling took my breath away. I actually had to hold on to him for a moment until I could believe he was okay and thus taken in air again. We walked hand in hand back to is car and hugged a bit longer before he drove off.
And as I headed back in I wondered if I had felt this deeply before. He is not the first boyfriend, not the first time I used the love word, not my only prospect for the future and yet it feels different. But then I wondered if that was genuine because every time I have given my heart, on some level, I have believed that to be the case. And yet, once you break up and go through all the shit and the strife and the drama and depression somehow that feeling ends up being boxed away. Sometimes it is the friend's box--that you can still make room in your life for each other--and other times it's the box you leave on the curb--for the trash collector.
But I am being to see that it is more than that. That Johnno means so much to me that for a moment tonight my world stood still at the end of him not being in it. This has never happened before, never been that shaken by something so throughly, and I did not like the novelty of this feeling.
And it made me realize that I have been making myself too crazy when it comes to us. That on some level, it is enough for him to be in my world because the idea of him not being there makes mine cease to exist. I don't know who or what this makes me outside of changed.
Maybe there is something to that.
Johnno fell down the stairs tonight. It was an accident and my fault--we were throwing out parts of our halloween costume and I took him out a different way than nomral and he couldn't see.
My heart stopped.
It was one of those loud and heavy falls where you just eat the pavement and all you can do is just take a second and ctach your breath. But I felt my heart freeze up because I heard the sound and didn't see it and when I turned around I felt myself just go stone cold. I was almost sick.
But he is fine--he dusted himself off before standing--and yet I felt as if everything wasn't.
I have been dealing with a lot of my crazies as of late--jobs and friends and money and art and a million small cracks in the looking glass--and this just shook me up more. I don't think I knew until recently how poorly I handle change because I am so good at chaos that I just kept associating the two when they are not the same. Chaos is fast and in your face, it requires quick thoughts and snappy wit or reflexes and candor but change, true change, is slow and small and creeps in behind the scenes. It replaces each part of the stage until the scene is different while chaos is like a fire or a tidal wave that just happens and you have to fight to stay above it.
But the most crazy thing is the boy. Everytime I think I have a grasp on what I feel about him and where it could be going (Thanks Sex In The City for that) I find myself somewhere new and different. Having him fall in front of me made me so upset and the depth of that feeling took my breath away. I actually had to hold on to him for a moment until I could believe he was okay and thus taken in air again. We walked hand in hand back to is car and hugged a bit longer before he drove off.
And as I headed back in I wondered if I had felt this deeply before. He is not the first boyfriend, not the first time I used the love word, not my only prospect for the future and yet it feels different. But then I wondered if that was genuine because every time I have given my heart, on some level, I have believed that to be the case. And yet, once you break up and go through all the shit and the strife and the drama and depression somehow that feeling ends up being boxed away. Sometimes it is the friend's box--that you can still make room in your life for each other--and other times it's the box you leave on the curb--for the trash collector.
But I am being to see that it is more than that. That Johnno means so much to me that for a moment tonight my world stood still at the end of him not being in it. This has never happened before, never been that shaken by something so throughly, and I did not like the novelty of this feeling.
And it made me realize that I have been making myself too crazy when it comes to us. That on some level, it is enough for him to be in my world because the idea of him not being there makes mine cease to exist. I don't know who or what this makes me outside of changed.
Maybe there is something to that.
It's The Thinking That Kill It
I have been frozen in place as of late. I have been trying to put off serious decisions by surrounding them with so much claptrap that by the time everything is settled the time for action has passed. This is not a good thing.
Last week I submitted myself for a job; not a job I wanted but a job I figured I should go after. It isn't what I want, it is more like a step backwards, so I found myself creating ways to hesitate. I did the bare amount of effort and then put the ball in the hands of the other party to ensure that I didn't have to make a choice. This is not smart for a bunch of reasons; finanical, careerwise, and lifestyle but i seemed unable to stop myself.
And now I feel guilty and worried and have to see if I can fix things. But the truth is I know what I need to do but I am scared and spoiled and being selfish. I don't know where this all came from but it is making me into someone I know I am not. I just have to push myself to remember how hard I can fight and what I am fighting over.
Just trust and go forth as oppossed to navel-gazing. It's hard
I have been frozen in place as of late. I have been trying to put off serious decisions by surrounding them with so much claptrap that by the time everything is settled the time for action has passed. This is not a good thing.
Last week I submitted myself for a job; not a job I wanted but a job I figured I should go after. It isn't what I want, it is more like a step backwards, so I found myself creating ways to hesitate. I did the bare amount of effort and then put the ball in the hands of the other party to ensure that I didn't have to make a choice. This is not smart for a bunch of reasons; finanical, careerwise, and lifestyle but i seemed unable to stop myself.
And now I feel guilty and worried and have to see if I can fix things. But the truth is I know what I need to do but I am scared and spoiled and being selfish. I don't know where this all came from but it is making me into someone I know I am not. I just have to push myself to remember how hard I can fight and what I am fighting over.
Just trust and go forth as oppossed to navel-gazing. It's hard
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
What A Difference...
A day makes... I was feeling down and out of sorts yesterday--so much so that I was kind of put off by myself. But today somehow seemed to make everything better--I sent emails, made plans, caught up with old frineds by both phone and mail and pushed myself.
I managed to put in a full solid work out, took some long over due pictures to make a contest deadline and finally managed to plot out then next 6 chapters in my unfinished novel. I feel reengerized and hopeful that I can make things happen again.
I feel like a real Rory again.
A day makes... I was feeling down and out of sorts yesterday--so much so that I was kind of put off by myself. But today somehow seemed to make everything better--I sent emails, made plans, caught up with old frineds by both phone and mail and pushed myself.
I managed to put in a full solid work out, took some long over due pictures to make a contest deadline and finally managed to plot out then next 6 chapters in my unfinished novel. I feel reengerized and hopeful that I can make things happen again.
I feel like a real Rory again.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Pushed More than Pulled.
It's been a hard week or so for me. It is no particular thing, no easy to blame drama or tactile event. I have just been out of sorts and burning myself alive with doubt and unease. I'm not sure where these feelings have come from or how to handle them but I know i have to figure something out, some way of control myself because it is not making me happy. It's like I am somehow afraid and uncontrolable.
And I have been all over the place. One minute I am having a grand time out for Edward's birthday between drinks and dancing and laughing but then next day I am all on edge because I am not on my way to Costo. I feel this strange lack of control and it scares me because it is my most fatal flaw--that feeling at loose ends and a victim of circumstance is the deepest most heartfelt fear of mine.
And it is holding me in place--it keeps me from working on my writing, makes me edgy and off-kilter with the boyfriend, makes me feel frozen in place with everything even when I know what I want. That I want to connect to people, that I want to have a real date with the boyfriend and not hang around the house all day, be someone who when people ask about me I can say interesting things because I have done them.
I want to feel like things are under my control, to be someone who makes things happen instead of feeling like someone who has things happen to him. I want a life and well-rounded because I am pushing myself and not being pushed.
But how to make this happen?
It's been a hard week or so for me. It is no particular thing, no easy to blame drama or tactile event. I have just been out of sorts and burning myself alive with doubt and unease. I'm not sure where these feelings have come from or how to handle them but I know i have to figure something out, some way of control myself because it is not making me happy. It's like I am somehow afraid and uncontrolable.
And I have been all over the place. One minute I am having a grand time out for Edward's birthday between drinks and dancing and laughing but then next day I am all on edge because I am not on my way to Costo. I feel this strange lack of control and it scares me because it is my most fatal flaw--that feeling at loose ends and a victim of circumstance is the deepest most heartfelt fear of mine.
And it is holding me in place--it keeps me from working on my writing, makes me edgy and off-kilter with the boyfriend, makes me feel frozen in place with everything even when I know what I want. That I want to connect to people, that I want to have a real date with the boyfriend and not hang around the house all day, be someone who when people ask about me I can say interesting things because I have done them.
I want to feel like things are under my control, to be someone who makes things happen instead of feeling like someone who has things happen to him. I want a life and well-rounded because I am pushing myself and not being pushed.
But how to make this happen?
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Mystery Solved
Thanks internets!
We Are the World Lyrics
There comes a time when we heed a certain call (Lionel Richie)
When the world must come together as one (Lionel Richie & Stevie Wonder)
There are people dying (Stevie Wonder)
Oh, and it's time to lend a hand to life (Paul Simon)
The greatest gift of all (Paul Simon/Kenny Rogers)
We can't go on pretending day by day (Kenny Rogers)
That someone, somehow will soon make a change (James Ingram)
We're all a part of God's great big family (Tina Turner)
And the truth (Billy Joel)
You know love is all we need (Tina Turner/Billy Joel)
( CHORUS )
We are the world, we are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving (Michael Jackson)
There's a choice we're making we're saving our own lives (Diana Ross)
It's true we'll make a better day just you and me (Michael Jackson/Diana Ross)
Well, send'em you your heart so they know that someone cares (Dionne Warwick)
And their lives will be stronger and free (Dionne Warwick/Willie Nelson)
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread (Willie Nelson)
And so we all must lend a helping hand (Al Jurreau)
( REPEAT CHORUS )
We are the world, we are the children (Bruce Springsteen)
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving (Kenny Logins)
There's a choice we're making we're saving our own lives (Steve Perry)
It's true we'll make a better day just you and me (Daryl Hall)
When you're down and out there seems no hope at all (Michael Jackson)
But if you just believe there's no way we can fall (Huey Lewis)
Well, well, well, let's realize that a change can only come (Cyndi Lauper)
When we (Kim Carnes)
stand together as one (Kim Carnes/Cyndi Lauper/Huey Lewis)
(REPEAT CHORUS AND FADE )
(additional ad-lib vox by Bob Dylan, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Bruce Springsteen, James Ingram)
Thanks internets!
We Are the World Lyrics
There comes a time when we heed a certain call (Lionel Richie)
When the world must come together as one (Lionel Richie & Stevie Wonder)
There are people dying (Stevie Wonder)
Oh, and it's time to lend a hand to life (Paul Simon)
The greatest gift of all (Paul Simon/Kenny Rogers)
We can't go on pretending day by day (Kenny Rogers)
That someone, somehow will soon make a change (James Ingram)
We're all a part of God's great big family (Tina Turner)
And the truth (Billy Joel)
You know love is all we need (Tina Turner/Billy Joel)
( CHORUS )
We are the world, we are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving (Michael Jackson)
There's a choice we're making we're saving our own lives (Diana Ross)
It's true we'll make a better day just you and me (Michael Jackson/Diana Ross)
Well, send'em you your heart so they know that someone cares (Dionne Warwick)
And their lives will be stronger and free (Dionne Warwick/Willie Nelson)
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread (Willie Nelson)
And so we all must lend a helping hand (Al Jurreau)
( REPEAT CHORUS )
We are the world, we are the children (Bruce Springsteen)
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving (Kenny Logins)
There's a choice we're making we're saving our own lives (Steve Perry)
It's true we'll make a better day just you and me (Daryl Hall)
When you're down and out there seems no hope at all (Michael Jackson)
But if you just believe there's no way we can fall (Huey Lewis)
Well, well, well, let's realize that a change can only come (Cyndi Lauper)
When we (Kim Carnes)
stand together as one (Kim Carnes/Cyndi Lauper/Huey Lewis)
(REPEAT CHORUS AND FADE )
(additional ad-lib vox by Bob Dylan, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Bruce Springsteen, James Ingram)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Remember My What?
So Kirby, Wynona, Johnno and I went and saw the remake of 'Fame' this past weekend. WIthout giving away too much of the plot, I would have to say that your time and money would be better spent on buying and rewatching your own copy of the original film. There's nothing hugely wrong with it--the cast is mostly okay (I love the actress who played Joy! But the actor who played MArco couldn't be less effective), the directing is pretty much by the numbers (Nothing super exciting but nothing god awful) and the dancing is impressively done (Which speaks to having a former 'So You Think You Can Dance' star in the cast) but the story is so lacking any bite, any heat, any energy of the original.
Now I knew that this would not be as strong as the first film with it's PG rating (The original was rated R) but I was suprised at how weak and disconnected it was. Between obvious plot points with certain characters, another character being sued shamefully because the film makers didn't know how to handle his character and a story so dismantled you didn't even know who half the characters were at points--just a total failure. (The best part is at the end when they flashed up a cast memeber and NONE of the people I was with remembered her having a character in the film!)
At the end--this Fame is not worth remembering, Debbie Allen has only TWO scenes in the whole film and your time could be better spent watching clips on You Tube instead.
But Kelsey, Megan, Bibi and Charles each have great moments in the film. But that is because they are actors who can overcome bad material.
So Kirby, Wynona, Johnno and I went and saw the remake of 'Fame' this past weekend. WIthout giving away too much of the plot, I would have to say that your time and money would be better spent on buying and rewatching your own copy of the original film. There's nothing hugely wrong with it--the cast is mostly okay (I love the actress who played Joy! But the actor who played MArco couldn't be less effective), the directing is pretty much by the numbers (Nothing super exciting but nothing god awful) and the dancing is impressively done (Which speaks to having a former 'So You Think You Can Dance' star in the cast) but the story is so lacking any bite, any heat, any energy of the original.
Now I knew that this would not be as strong as the first film with it's PG rating (The original was rated R) but I was suprised at how weak and disconnected it was. Between obvious plot points with certain characters, another character being sued shamefully because the film makers didn't know how to handle his character and a story so dismantled you didn't even know who half the characters were at points--just a total failure. (The best part is at the end when they flashed up a cast memeber and NONE of the people I was with remembered her having a character in the film!)
At the end--this Fame is not worth remembering, Debbie Allen has only TWO scenes in the whole film and your time could be better spent watching clips on You Tube instead.
But Kelsey, Megan, Bibi and Charles each have great moments in the film. But that is because they are actors who can overcome bad material.
22 is An Odd Number
22 pounds. I have lost that much since starting the diet back on July 5th. It doesn't really feel like that much between my face feeling fat but I think it is an age thing then a fat thing--I don't know. But things fit different, I have to be careful when I order things on line because they don't fit (too big), I put on things that I wear all the time but now look better than ever. It is good.
And the boyfriend has done even better than me--he has lost notciable weight in the face and has gone down a level in the Wii Fit weight scale. We both still talk about food we miss but somehow we both push each other along. It helps that we now have the meal plan on lockdown. (Step one? Don't call it a diet) I have become used to cooking my meals and maing recipes (!!!), making sure I eat enough of the better things and listening to when my body is hungry and feed it right then. I feel like I am getting better.
But I still feel like I have a long way to go. I have to rebalance my workouts now that I no longer have the BB gym, work on my sleeping schedule and remember to walk everyday for at least 45 minutes. This only works if I can keep up the effort and remind myself what it is all good for.
To beat that damn Wii Fit more than anything.
22 pounds. I have lost that much since starting the diet back on July 5th. It doesn't really feel like that much between my face feeling fat but I think it is an age thing then a fat thing--I don't know. But things fit different, I have to be careful when I order things on line because they don't fit (too big), I put on things that I wear all the time but now look better than ever. It is good.
And the boyfriend has done even better than me--he has lost notciable weight in the face and has gone down a level in the Wii Fit weight scale. We both still talk about food we miss but somehow we both push each other along. It helps that we now have the meal plan on lockdown. (Step one? Don't call it a diet) I have become used to cooking my meals and maing recipes (!!!), making sure I eat enough of the better things and listening to when my body is hungry and feed it right then. I feel like I am getting better.
But I still feel like I have a long way to go. I have to rebalance my workouts now that I no longer have the BB gym, work on my sleeping schedule and remember to walk everyday for at least 45 minutes. This only works if I can keep up the effort and remind myself what it is all good for.
To beat that damn Wii Fit more than anything.
Back to the Regular Scheduled Rory
So I have been wrapping up loose ends and this one fell completely off the screen. Between ending Big Brother, going to the wrap party (Unoffical) for Big Brother, a dinner for the 15th anniverary of 7th Floor Charlesgate, Jewish New Year's bar night and a slew of boring personal things I have finally been able to get myself all caught up.
I dealt with termites in the apartment, a broken dishwasher, a broken internet, a plumbing issue, a credit fraud issue and finished closing out all my paid off credits cards. I have made overdue phone calls, sent well expired thank you cards for gifts and birthday cheer and even managed to upgrade my itunes AGAIN.
These are all the reasons I have not been here. But I is back and will continue to better for the foreseeable future.
So I have been wrapping up loose ends and this one fell completely off the screen. Between ending Big Brother, going to the wrap party (Unoffical) for Big Brother, a dinner for the 15th anniverary of 7th Floor Charlesgate, Jewish New Year's bar night and a slew of boring personal things I have finally been able to get myself all caught up.
I dealt with termites in the apartment, a broken dishwasher, a broken internet, a plumbing issue, a credit fraud issue and finished closing out all my paid off credits cards. I have made overdue phone calls, sent well expired thank you cards for gifts and birthday cheer and even managed to upgrade my itunes AGAIN.
These are all the reasons I have not been here. But I is back and will continue to better for the foreseeable future.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Christmas Lights
I feel like I have been surrounded by Christmas lights--pretty colors, flattering lighting and a more than slight distraction. It might be with the show ending or just the general ennui of life changes but I find myself out of sorts. It's not that I am not doing what I want or how I want it but more that I don't really know the answer to the question.
For so long I have been so sure but as of late I have been less than hundred percent when it comes to going and getting what I want. It is mostly because I just don't know what it is--and it bothers me. I have always felt that to be happy you have to be going after things with passion, with gusto, and balls to the wall.
But right now I am not sure what that is for me. It is very jarring to feel a bit useless and uncertain after all this time--I mean, I have a great place, good friends, an amazing boyfriend but I still feel like I am somehow without a paddle.
I am even using boring turns of of phrase. I don't know
I feel like I have been surrounded by Christmas lights--pretty colors, flattering lighting and a more than slight distraction. It might be with the show ending or just the general ennui of life changes but I find myself out of sorts. It's not that I am not doing what I want or how I want it but more that I don't really know the answer to the question.
For so long I have been so sure but as of late I have been less than hundred percent when it comes to going and getting what I want. It is mostly because I just don't know what it is--and it bothers me. I have always felt that to be happy you have to be going after things with passion, with gusto, and balls to the wall.
But right now I am not sure what that is for me. It is very jarring to feel a bit useless and uncertain after all this time--I mean, I have a great place, good friends, an amazing boyfriend but I still feel like I am somehow without a paddle.
I am even using boring turns of of phrase. I don't know
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
It Is Whatever You Want It to Be
I have been a bit bored lately--the show is wrapping up, lots of parties that seem to blur into one and another after a certain point and am just going through the day to day of the diet and working out and avoiding the heat. It is as exciting as it sounds. But all that being said, i kind of can't wait to be unemployed again.
I mean it will be all about working on the book (with notes from the boys), coffee with the kids during the week, working out more than twice a day, making time for wine with friends who have office hours and cleaning out y closet between bouts of calls with my mom and various others on the to call list.
But I am looking for things to get excited about. New music? Books to read? Anything that is not tv?
suggestions and stuff....
I have been a bit bored lately--the show is wrapping up, lots of parties that seem to blur into one and another after a certain point and am just going through the day to day of the diet and working out and avoiding the heat. It is as exciting as it sounds. But all that being said, i kind of can't wait to be unemployed again.
I mean it will be all about working on the book (with notes from the boys), coffee with the kids during the week, working out more than twice a day, making time for wine with friends who have office hours and cleaning out y closet between bouts of calls with my mom and various others on the to call list.
But I am looking for things to get excited about. New music? Books to read? Anything that is not tv?
suggestions and stuff....
Sunday, August 23, 2009
This is Why I Love Him
Now I don't like to get gifts for my birthday--I would rather live things with my friends then get things from my friends--but the boyfriend is still rather new to the game so I had to let his gifting go because he meant well.
Now on my actual birthday he gave me a nice bottle of scent; one that I actually love and hadn't replaced recently just because I kept forgetting. I was happy with the gesture and figured that would be the end of it. So I was a bit surprised, and embarrassed, when at the bar I found that he had more gifts for me. That being said, I always seem to not remember how much he does get me and my sense of humor.
Why? Because for my gift Johnno gave me a bedazzled (by hand) yamaka as a nod to my past when I was thought to be a Jew at my old job. He then followed this up with the prayer list that I would need for my Bar Mitzvah as well as a copy of Jewish Time for me to read. This really cracked up Joy because he actually spelt out my name in Hebrew on the yamaka in brightly colored beads. It was a good gift but then he really surprised me with a group gift that he came up with on the fly.
Back when we were first chatting on-line, flirting in circles and sharing stories, we had a long talk about how we both had played a lot of truth or dare Jenga back in college. (If you are unfamiliar with this game--it is simply taking a Jenga game and writing various truth or dares on the induvidual pieces. It can be quite fun). So imagine my surprise when I opened a new boxed verison of Jenga--but the actual game had already been opened. I was pleased but confused
Johnno then explained that he had spent the better part of the night at the bar getting all my various guests to make up their own true or dares for the game and even tried to get Edie to text one back from Hastings. It was really cool gift and I was touched to have something that everyone had been apart of. When the boy gets it right, he really gets it right.
PS The best dare in the game "Create a video game based off your favorite literary character, get said game devolped in foreign countries in a bid to be famous." I almost fell of my sit laughing at that one.
PSS I also feel bad for whomever sits to the left of anyone when playing this game--they will end up with licked faces and lap dances. Good times.
Now I don't like to get gifts for my birthday--I would rather live things with my friends then get things from my friends--but the boyfriend is still rather new to the game so I had to let his gifting go because he meant well.
Now on my actual birthday he gave me a nice bottle of scent; one that I actually love and hadn't replaced recently just because I kept forgetting. I was happy with the gesture and figured that would be the end of it. So I was a bit surprised, and embarrassed, when at the bar I found that he had more gifts for me. That being said, I always seem to not remember how much he does get me and my sense of humor.
Why? Because for my gift Johnno gave me a bedazzled (by hand) yamaka as a nod to my past when I was thought to be a Jew at my old job. He then followed this up with the prayer list that I would need for my Bar Mitzvah as well as a copy of Jewish Time for me to read. This really cracked up Joy because he actually spelt out my name in Hebrew on the yamaka in brightly colored beads. It was a good gift but then he really surprised me with a group gift that he came up with on the fly.
Back when we were first chatting on-line, flirting in circles and sharing stories, we had a long talk about how we both had played a lot of truth or dare Jenga back in college. (If you are unfamiliar with this game--it is simply taking a Jenga game and writing various truth or dares on the induvidual pieces. It can be quite fun). So imagine my surprise when I opened a new boxed verison of Jenga--but the actual game had already been opened. I was pleased but confused
Johnno then explained that he had spent the better part of the night at the bar getting all my various guests to make up their own true or dares for the game and even tried to get Edie to text one back from Hastings. It was really cool gift and I was touched to have something that everyone had been apart of. When the boy gets it right, he really gets it right.
PS The best dare in the game "Create a video game based off your favorite literary character, get said game devolped in foreign countries in a bid to be famous." I almost fell of my sit laughing at that one.
PSS I also feel bad for whomever sits to the left of anyone when playing this game--they will end up with licked faces and lap dances. Good times.
Obviously I Love Rock and Roll
So last night the gang and I went out for drinks for my birthday. Now it is a long established fact that I do not like birthday parties--but the boyfriend is new to this and teamed up with a couple of the girls (Valeska and Kelly at first) to pull together something to celebrate. Once I caught wind of this, I threw myself into the mix since I am a fan of controlling my own destiny when it comes to such things.
We ended up at a new (to me) bar called El Bar in Universal/Studio City, located where we had celebrated Dominic's 30th a bit back when it was the Casting Office. Kelly had been there for happy hour a few times and tried to explain the decor as dark with Bull Head on the wall and a topless Freida Kahlo print. I thought it sounded kitschy (spl?) so I was down for the count.
Imagine my surprise when about 2 minutes into the place and I realized it was meant to be a bullfighter/Spanish themed bar. It was empty (a good thing for a party) and nice with lots of room and I headed over to the jukebook that Kelly had spoken highly of. I ended up spending the first 30 minutes of the night not with Kelly or Johnny or the boyfriend but in the corner playing with the music.
Now here's the thing--I love music and I really love taking control of the mix for a party. I managed to somehow spend 25 dollars in said jukebox, pretty much loading it for bear, but had a bit of a struggle. The selection at any bar is always hapzard--you have the standard great hits artists like Journey, AC/DC, Areosmith, Beatles--then you have the 'cds that make the theme of the bar' which was Gyspy Kings, Los Lobos and Bueno Vista Social Club but also lots of hipster bands like Girl Talk, Editors, Cold War Kids and obscure albums by The Killers, Franz Fernidad, and Jet. And there is always the random CD.
For some reason every bar seems to have that one selection that makes absolutely no sense...one you just look at in utter surprise. Maybe it is the soundtrack to a random movie or a hip hop compilation but it is the answer to one of these things is not like the other.In the case of El Bar, it was the new Black Eyed Peas album which also cemmented my theory as to their career and popularity-somehow they just sneak in. But in an effort to be current, as this was the only pop album in the whole jukebox, I did make a single selection. (Little did I know this would come back to haunt me after watching a drunken wanna-be starlet grind the doorway by our table)
But it was nice to pretty much own the music that night. Between James Brown, Tom Petty, Dr. Dre and tons of Blondie I think it was money well spent. Even 'Boom Boom Pow' was worth it in the end.
So last night the gang and I went out for drinks for my birthday. Now it is a long established fact that I do not like birthday parties--but the boyfriend is new to this and teamed up with a couple of the girls (Valeska and Kelly at first) to pull together something to celebrate. Once I caught wind of this, I threw myself into the mix since I am a fan of controlling my own destiny when it comes to such things.
We ended up at a new (to me) bar called El Bar in Universal/Studio City, located where we had celebrated Dominic's 30th a bit back when it was the Casting Office. Kelly had been there for happy hour a few times and tried to explain the decor as dark with Bull Head on the wall and a topless Freida Kahlo print. I thought it sounded kitschy (spl?) so I was down for the count.
Imagine my surprise when about 2 minutes into the place and I realized it was meant to be a bullfighter/Spanish themed bar. It was empty (a good thing for a party) and nice with lots of room and I headed over to the jukebook that Kelly had spoken highly of. I ended up spending the first 30 minutes of the night not with Kelly or Johnny or the boyfriend but in the corner playing with the music.
Now here's the thing--I love music and I really love taking control of the mix for a party. I managed to somehow spend 25 dollars in said jukebox, pretty much loading it for bear, but had a bit of a struggle. The selection at any bar is always hapzard--you have the standard great hits artists like Journey, AC/DC, Areosmith, Beatles--then you have the 'cds that make the theme of the bar' which was Gyspy Kings, Los Lobos and Bueno Vista Social Club but also lots of hipster bands like Girl Talk, Editors, Cold War Kids and obscure albums by The Killers, Franz Fernidad, and Jet. And there is always the random CD.
For some reason every bar seems to have that one selection that makes absolutely no sense...one you just look at in utter surprise. Maybe it is the soundtrack to a random movie or a hip hop compilation but it is the answer to one of these things is not like the other.In the case of El Bar, it was the new Black Eyed Peas album which also cemmented my theory as to their career and popularity-somehow they just sneak in. But in an effort to be current, as this was the only pop album in the whole jukebox, I did make a single selection. (Little did I know this would come back to haunt me after watching a drunken wanna-be starlet grind the doorway by our table)
But it was nice to pretty much own the music that night. Between James Brown, Tom Petty, Dr. Dre and tons of Blondie I think it was money well spent. Even 'Boom Boom Pow' was worth it in the end.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Boho Homo
The other day I was cleaning up my room when i stumbled across my copy of 'The Bohemian Manifesto' laying on the floor by my nightstand. I had started rereading the book a few weeks back when I was starting to get bored with everything in my life--not that I don't love everything about it but I have recently felt like life is just one big lather, rinse, repeat.
The thing is I always wished I was someone who was more exciting--one of those people who ends up at a different bar every weekend, takes road trips to out of the way places just because, spends one day camping and another camping it up over cocktails in West Hollywood. I want to spend my free time painting (though I never have), run around in crazy hats and weird outfits (Anything like that has been unintentional), to just jump on a plane at a moment's notice or end up at the underground scene by pure chance.
It's not that i don't love everything about my life-my dinners with the boy, hanging out with my friends, days sleeping in and night spent on the couch or in a backyard but there is a part of me that always thought my life would be much much more. I want stories that top Jaq's, to make Edie jealous with all the details, to be someone who's every story end and begins with something shocking. But somehow I also know that I am too cautious, too practical and too self aware to really be that person.
So instead i read about people who do those things and imagine what it could be like if it was me. Maybe someday i will even try.
The other day I was cleaning up my room when i stumbled across my copy of 'The Bohemian Manifesto' laying on the floor by my nightstand. I had started rereading the book a few weeks back when I was starting to get bored with everything in my life--not that I don't love everything about it but I have recently felt like life is just one big lather, rinse, repeat.
The thing is I always wished I was someone who was more exciting--one of those people who ends up at a different bar every weekend, takes road trips to out of the way places just because, spends one day camping and another camping it up over cocktails in West Hollywood. I want to spend my free time painting (though I never have), run around in crazy hats and weird outfits (Anything like that has been unintentional), to just jump on a plane at a moment's notice or end up at the underground scene by pure chance.
It's not that i don't love everything about my life-my dinners with the boy, hanging out with my friends, days sleeping in and night spent on the couch or in a backyard but there is a part of me that always thought my life would be much much more. I want stories that top Jaq's, to make Edie jealous with all the details, to be someone who's every story end and begins with something shocking. But somehow I also know that I am too cautious, too practical and too self aware to really be that person.
So instead i read about people who do those things and imagine what it could be like if it was me. Maybe someday i will even try.
Monday, August 17, 2009
A To Do List
- Finish figuring out which bills I would like to have paid off by end of summer.
- Find a new credit card for a good rate. (I might talk to Raquel about this.)
- Continue to work out my workout scheudle so I don't lose my slight ab defition.
- Talk to my mom about which American Girl Doll to buy for my sister
- Finally decide one way or another about that bench from Urban Outfitters
- Start approaching people for leads for my next job. (In terms of figuring out who I can comfortably approach for work)
- Make time to see Charity, email Lucy and get on the phone with Naomi
- Clean out some dead weight from my closet.
- Destress.
- Finish figuring out which bills I would like to have paid off by end of summer.
- Find a new credit card for a good rate. (I might talk to Raquel about this.)
- Continue to work out my workout scheudle so I don't lose my slight ab defition.
- Talk to my mom about which American Girl Doll to buy for my sister
- Finally decide one way or another about that bench from Urban Outfitters
- Start approaching people for leads for my next job. (In terms of figuring out who I can comfortably approach for work)
- Make time to see Charity, email Lucy and get on the phone with Naomi
- Clean out some dead weight from my closet.
- Destress.
The Problem With Perfection
I am a perfectionist. I'm not sure where this trait comes from; whether it is a leftover from my childhood and the need to feel settled or just some natural desire I ahve always had for order. I make my bed everyday (give or take a day), my clothes are organized by color and function, and each night when I get off of work I repack my backpack and pick the next day's outfit while settling up breakfast and the coffee maker as I brush my teeth. It's just something I do.
But as of late, I have found myself growing frustrated more than needed when I can't get everything I want done. Whether it is my two workouts per day, setting aside my vitamins, or even getting to see everyone when I want and on time. I'm not really sure what needs to be adjusted at this point or how to let go of my need for control. Because that is really what is at stake, my need to feel like I can have, do, and make it all go exactly the way that I want. And when it doesn't I become this person I don't particular like to be around, muchless force on others.
Suggestions?
I am a perfectionist. I'm not sure where this trait comes from; whether it is a leftover from my childhood and the need to feel settled or just some natural desire I ahve always had for order. I make my bed everyday (give or take a day), my clothes are organized by color and function, and each night when I get off of work I repack my backpack and pick the next day's outfit while settling up breakfast and the coffee maker as I brush my teeth. It's just something I do.
But as of late, I have found myself growing frustrated more than needed when I can't get everything I want done. Whether it is my two workouts per day, setting aside my vitamins, or even getting to see everyone when I want and on time. I'm not really sure what needs to be adjusted at this point or how to let go of my need for control. Because that is really what is at stake, my need to feel like I can have, do, and make it all go exactly the way that I want. And when it doesn't I become this person I don't particular like to be around, muchless force on others.
Suggestions?
Friday, August 07, 2009
Imperfect and Immortal
'Sixteen Candles' is one of my favorite films of all time. There is something about the character of Samantha that, for me, seems to encompasses so much of what to means to be a teenager; from the insecurity to the crushes to the jealousy. I am not saying it is a perfect film-in retrospect the entire Long Duck Dong plot is pretty damn offensive--but it is one of the best balanced teen films of all time.
I guess what I love about this film, and all of John Hughes films, is that he really seemed to understand how to write teenagers more than any group. He not only understood how they talk but how they socialize, how they want to be themselves but also what a struggle it was to get there. Most of all, he believed in their internal life.
How it was important it was to be accepted, to be kissed, to get drunk, to prove yourself to your peers, to try and be your own person, to survive a day at school, survive living with your own family but most importantly to be seen for more than just a child, more than just a stereotype, more than just a kid living in an adult world. It is something that almost anyone can relate to and what keeps his films with us, bought and viewed, quoted and loved.
Thank you
'Sixteen Candles' is one of my favorite films of all time. There is something about the character of Samantha that, for me, seems to encompasses so much of what to means to be a teenager; from the insecurity to the crushes to the jealousy. I am not saying it is a perfect film-in retrospect the entire Long Duck Dong plot is pretty damn offensive--but it is one of the best balanced teen films of all time.
I guess what I love about this film, and all of John Hughes films, is that he really seemed to understand how to write teenagers more than any group. He not only understood how they talk but how they socialize, how they want to be themselves but also what a struggle it was to get there. Most of all, he believed in their internal life.
How it was important it was to be accepted, to be kissed, to get drunk, to prove yourself to your peers, to try and be your own person, to survive a day at school, survive living with your own family but most importantly to be seen for more than just a child, more than just a stereotype, more than just a kid living in an adult world. It is something that almost anyone can relate to and what keeps his films with us, bought and viewed, quoted and loved.
Thank you
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Six Months and Six Days
So me and the boy just celebrated our six month anniversary. It feels a bit strange (though it is stranger to know that Nolan and I have our anniversaries exactly 3 months apart) to know that somehow that I have not felt the six months at all. I mean, I know that Johnno and I have been together forever but it doesn't feel like forever.
Normally at this point I would start to be bored or get concerned about the cracks that would be starting to show in the relationship. Instead I find myself having long conversations with Johnno that I never had with any other boy--about money and families and careers--and we do things that I normal don't want to do--like learning how to cook and spending nights on the couch with wine and vodka. And I am fine with it.
If I am truthful, I am more than fine with where we are at in our relationship. I am more than fine with all the ways we work ourselves together from the sex and the conversation and the meals and sleeping. He makes me happier than I thought i could be and in ways I never knew I wanted. It is special in so many ways and unique in many others.
So me and the boy just celebrated our six month anniversary. It feels a bit strange (though it is stranger to know that Nolan and I have our anniversaries exactly 3 months apart) to know that somehow that I have not felt the six months at all. I mean, I know that Johnno and I have been together forever but it doesn't feel like forever.
Normally at this point I would start to be bored or get concerned about the cracks that would be starting to show in the relationship. Instead I find myself having long conversations with Johnno that I never had with any other boy--about money and families and careers--and we do things that I normal don't want to do--like learning how to cook and spending nights on the couch with wine and vodka. And I am fine with it.
If I am truthful, I am more than fine with where we are at in our relationship. I am more than fine with all the ways we work ourselves together from the sex and the conversation and the meals and sleeping. He makes me happier than I thought i could be and in ways I never knew I wanted. It is special in so many ways and unique in many others.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Cover Girl Is Not Just Make up
I am so excited about the G. I. Joe film. This is surprising to most people who know me but growing up I was really into the entire G. I. Joe franchise. Between my brother and I we had most of the toys from both sides of the story and my parents were really good about balance. Like if I had the Duke action figure my parents would give my brother Snake Eyes, if he got Destro then I would get the Baroness so that things stayed equal.
And this applied for all the toys we had as kids whether it be Transformers (I had Optimos Prime and he had Megatron) or He Man (I had He Man and Teela while my brother had Skelator and Evilynn) which made buying any gift easy because all you had to do was balance things out with an equal number of important toys. I guess that would be the easiest part of having two boys less then a year apart because we were almost guarenteed to have the same taste in the same things.
That being said-what I am most annoyed but excited by with this film is that one of the main characters is one of the few action figures my brother and I were never had. But i am pretty sure they fucked with the origin of that character so I might be unhappy but until then I will watch this trailer again and again
I am so excited about the G. I. Joe film. This is surprising to most people who know me but growing up I was really into the entire G. I. Joe franchise. Between my brother and I we had most of the toys from both sides of the story and my parents were really good about balance. Like if I had the Duke action figure my parents would give my brother Snake Eyes, if he got Destro then I would get the Baroness so that things stayed equal.
And this applied for all the toys we had as kids whether it be Transformers (I had Optimos Prime and he had Megatron) or He Man (I had He Man and Teela while my brother had Skelator and Evilynn) which made buying any gift easy because all you had to do was balance things out with an equal number of important toys. I guess that would be the easiest part of having two boys less then a year apart because we were almost guarenteed to have the same taste in the same things.
That being said-what I am most annoyed but excited by with this film is that one of the main characters is one of the few action figures my brother and I were never had. But i am pretty sure they fucked with the origin of that character so I might be unhappy but until then I will watch this trailer again and again
Monday, August 03, 2009
Sometimes, Most Times, It is Just You
So Johnno's parents were coming to town. he explained this to me a few months back-before I had a settled schedule for BB and a possible excuse to not have to meet them. I had been dodging any attempt to make concrete plans for the simple reason that I didn't really want to meet his parents. In general I don't like parents.
And this just doesn't just apply to boyfriends' parents but most any parents from roommates to friends to random co-workers. For some reason that sheer ideal of parental units makes me uncomfortable. I'm sure it has something to do with my own parental relationships-a combination of selfishness and independence, love and indifference,mixed emotions--but I'd like to think that it is not just me projecting my own issues on Johnno's family.
I think it has more to do with being the 'gay' boyfriend. Because whether or not we like to admit it, a huge part of what people think when they hear gay is they think sex. Not kissing or hand holding, not slow dancing or weddings, but weird, different, strange, unexpected sex in ways that makes some people uncomfortable. I don't know if this is true for most straight people but when I meet couples or hear about dating or find out someone's sexuality I don't normally picture them in bed--or maybe everyone does.
And when you add the parent angle into the situtation then everything become even more awkward. No one wants to picture their children having sex or think about their sex life or anything like that--we go from being little things they protect from the world to one day opening ourselves up to the world--it is hard transition at best. But when you add the gay factor it forces people to not only think about their children's sex life because it is that sex... the GAY sex... So you can imagine that even in a good situatution it is still a little weird.
And it didn't help that Johnno told me that his family had a bit of a hard adjustment to his coming out. Nothing crazy with fights or screaming, no one was disowned, but it was a bit of a rough process and one that really took, and still takes, time and effort with his family. I don't really have this problem mostly because my coming out had more to do with a million other cracks in my family besides the gay crack so I had little experience with how to figure out how to navigate the scenario.
Which is I was trying so hard to deflect the entire event.
It wasn't until late one night when Johnno and I were off to bed and he finally told me that he wanted me to go, that it was important to him, that given how serious we were that I had to go. I felt like that episode of 'Sex in The City' when Adrian's parents come town and Carrie tries to dodge the bullet and she ended up saying she didn't do with parents and Adrian is disappointed and lets her off the hook but at the end Carrie sucks it up and goes which works out for both Adrian and Carrie.... And I knew how the story has to work out but I was fighting against and in the end I realized I had to give in.
And it ended up being fine because most of what was holding me back was in the my head and not there at the table between courses of Italy food. I made jokes and conversations, played up my good qualities with bangs down and button up shirts and managed to not drink my way through the whole meal. It had some bumps and silences and moments where it felt me and Johnno against the world but at the end of the day it was fine and passable and worth it for me to try.
And as we said goodbye on the curb, I realized that I had over thought things, and that Johnno had over informed me, but that at the end of the day it was just a meal and just people meeting and that anything more than that was on me. That sometimes I am the crazy in the room....that maybe it is juts me
So Johnno's parents were coming to town. he explained this to me a few months back-before I had a settled schedule for BB and a possible excuse to not have to meet them. I had been dodging any attempt to make concrete plans for the simple reason that I didn't really want to meet his parents. In general I don't like parents.
And this just doesn't just apply to boyfriends' parents but most any parents from roommates to friends to random co-workers. For some reason that sheer ideal of parental units makes me uncomfortable. I'm sure it has something to do with my own parental relationships-a combination of selfishness and independence, love and indifference,mixed emotions--but I'd like to think that it is not just me projecting my own issues on Johnno's family.
I think it has more to do with being the 'gay' boyfriend. Because whether or not we like to admit it, a huge part of what people think when they hear gay is they think sex. Not kissing or hand holding, not slow dancing or weddings, but weird, different, strange, unexpected sex in ways that makes some people uncomfortable. I don't know if this is true for most straight people but when I meet couples or hear about dating or find out someone's sexuality I don't normally picture them in bed--or maybe everyone does.
And when you add the parent angle into the situtation then everything become even more awkward. No one wants to picture their children having sex or think about their sex life or anything like that--we go from being little things they protect from the world to one day opening ourselves up to the world--it is hard transition at best. But when you add the gay factor it forces people to not only think about their children's sex life because it is that sex... the GAY sex... So you can imagine that even in a good situatution it is still a little weird.
And it didn't help that Johnno told me that his family had a bit of a hard adjustment to his coming out. Nothing crazy with fights or screaming, no one was disowned, but it was a bit of a rough process and one that really took, and still takes, time and effort with his family. I don't really have this problem mostly because my coming out had more to do with a million other cracks in my family besides the gay crack so I had little experience with how to figure out how to navigate the scenario.
Which is I was trying so hard to deflect the entire event.
It wasn't until late one night when Johnno and I were off to bed and he finally told me that he wanted me to go, that it was important to him, that given how serious we were that I had to go. I felt like that episode of 'Sex in The City' when Adrian's parents come town and Carrie tries to dodge the bullet and she ended up saying she didn't do with parents and Adrian is disappointed and lets her off the hook but at the end Carrie sucks it up and goes which works out for both Adrian and Carrie.... And I knew how the story has to work out but I was fighting against and in the end I realized I had to give in.
And it ended up being fine because most of what was holding me back was in the my head and not there at the table between courses of Italy food. I made jokes and conversations, played up my good qualities with bangs down and button up shirts and managed to not drink my way through the whole meal. It had some bumps and silences and moments where it felt me and Johnno against the world but at the end of the day it was fine and passable and worth it for me to try.
And as we said goodbye on the curb, I realized that I had over thought things, and that Johnno had over informed me, but that at the end of the day it was just a meal and just people meeting and that anything more than that was on me. That sometimes I am the crazy in the room....that maybe it is juts me
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