Pushed More than Pulled.

It's been a hard week or so for me. It is no particular thing, no easy to blame drama or tactile event. I have just been out of sorts and burning myself alive with doubt and unease. I'm not sure where these feelings have come from or how to handle them but I know i have to figure something out, some way of control myself because it is not making me happy. It's like I am somehow afraid and uncontrolable.

And I have been all over the place. One minute I am having a grand time out for Edward's birthday between drinks and dancing and laughing but then next day I am all on edge because I am not on my way to Costo. I feel this strange lack of control and it scares me because it is my most fatal flaw--that feeling at loose ends and a victim of circumstance is the deepest most heartfelt fear of mine.

And it is holding me in place--it keeps me from working on my writing, makes me edgy and off-kilter with the boyfriend, makes me feel frozen in place with everything even when I know what I want. That I want to connect to people, that I want to have a real date with the boyfriend and not hang around the house all day, be someone who when people ask about me I can say interesting things because I have done them.

I want to feel like things are under my control, to be someone who makes things happen instead of feeling like someone who has things happen to him. I want a life and well-rounded because I am pushing myself and not being pushed.

But how to make this happen?