The Curse of A Beautiful Bed

I spent today being superfical. I went and had my hair cut, I use my handheld micro derm machine on my skin, I colored my hair, I wore an eye mask and even did that thing with the trays and the teeth whiting. I cuddled up on my couch and watched bad tv while I did these things in the proper order for no real reason except I felt I needed to.

I like to think I am not a shallow person; that I have deep thoughts, that I care about people and ideas and things, that I make an effort to make my friends', my family and boyfriend's lives better which, in turn, makes mine better. I spend time labeling all my music, decorating my house and other people's space, I work out regularly and keep myself on a meal plan so that I can look the way I want in all the clothes I buy.

I like the way my cursive writing looks.

But somehow liking those things seems to be so skin deep, so on the surface that sometimes I wonder if I am a terrible person for wasting my time and energy there instead of elsewhere. Because most people would say that having these things as a focal point in my life shows that I m only concerned about myself and I can't help but think if that is right.

I worry and wonder.

I am not sure why I am driven to do this--where this all comes from--this need for perfection. Part of me chalks it up to control, that I try and manage and handle what I know I can so that I don't worry about all the things that I can't. That on some level I believe if things look good and are clean and in their place then it means that all the underlining stuff is also in it's place. That by having it in order then somehow that adds up to everything being in order.

Or maybe it just makes me happy. Maybe that is all it takes for me to be content is a made bed, a stylish outfit, ten less pounds and one easily found song in my itunes. And if that is all it takes then maybe I am more easily pleased with things.

I am not sure if that is good or bed but it makes me sleep easier in bed. Even if that means I will have to remake that bed the next day and start all over.