Just In Case

This blog has fallen upon hard times.... This is mostly due to the suckiness of the new google/blogspot format which leads to me not being able to really post that well from home. I have tried fixing in and playing with iot but alas there seems to be no long term fix.

But I am still blogging...on myspace as well as a few other places. But what this page is good for is a link to all the things I am into on the net. I still up date those so feel free to look at my gossip sites of fav stores or friends blogs.

And I'll try to post more here.

A Little Fall of Rain

So I finally saw Samuel again this past Friday. It's weird--it wasn't something I was looking forward to but like housewrok and bills and calling your parents it felt like something that I should do. If we were going to continue to work on being friends then I did need to see him or let it go.

I know that to anyone who has read my blog knows my views on Samuel change easily from time to time. I'm fine, I'm not, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm glad... I guess it's because how much of the current 'us' is a work in progress with many steps and missteps to be had.

I saw him at the BR in Burbank with some friends. We had a weird beat where he was hugging people and didn't know if he should hug me. I let him even though I wasn't sure it was what I wanted but it was what the moment called for. It felt strange to have him back around, laughing and talking and just being himself while everything else felt different for me.

But I think it also allowed me to make peace with it all. I mean--sure there was a couple of awkward moments and most of the friends with us didn't allow for us to be alone whether they meant to or not but it was for the most part fine. I think I know what I want out of all this. And if that's all I got than it's enough.

But the rest of night and what it stirred up is best left for me and me alone. I wonder if he has any thoughts about it all. I also wonder if I should know what those are

The Happys

Things that make me happy have been happening a lot as of late and to celebrate--here's a list...

-Movies with Audrey Hepburn but especially ones that are tragic and romantic at the same time.

-Dressers, dressers, dressers...

-Late night swims where I sneak into the pool after 'curfew' and stare up at the stars for hours

-for friends that go beyond the call of duty and don't lisent when I tell them not to do that anymore

-Virgin Airs cheap tickets!!!

-Old science ficition books that I have rediscovered and rereading.

-The five minutes in yoga where it because all zen-like.

-My mom's refusal to stop sending me Curious George items. It's vaguely cute!

-Cocktail attire!

Sometimes a Sweater is Just a Sweater.

So I bought an ugly sweater yesterday. Was there any hidden meaning to this? Possibly. It could be about how I could be using shopping to get over depression. It could be about how vain I am to think that I could take something possibly tacky and make it cute. It could be about how the sweater remains me of something from my past—a piece of art—that ties me back into a sweeter time.

Or maybe it means nothing more than I am just doing things to do them-no meaning, no rhyme, no reason. That everything has been all twisted up as of late and that they won't be getting better any time sooner. But that's too dark and twisty—even for me.

Though I wouldn't blame you if you thought that way. That with my current series of blogs, my conversations, my state of mind it would be amiss for me to think that you couldn't mistake me for being a bit depressed or off or whatever word you choose to fill in with. But I'm also sure it's not that simple.

I spent my day today looking at bridal gowns with friends. I had coffee and joked and snuck photos and texted. I made dinner conversation, read Thomas Guides, e-mailed jobs and just pushed through my day. If you spent time with me you might have felt a little melancholy but not too over the top. It's just here where my words live that you feel this about me.

Its funny how much weight that can be placed on a blog. That somehow a blog becomes a permenate record of how you feel. That every emotion, observation and statement placed down can be perceived as the final word. That if the wrong person reads it, or it is put up at the wrong time or with the wrong viewpoint it can suddenly be seen as cannon for how you view the world.

I've never bought into that idea. If I believed everything written by the people I read I would think they were shallow or crazy or silly or mean or desperate or insensitive or just plain boring. That people really think in lists or surveys—that you tube is a secret window into a psyche or that itunes can really be the key to a personality.

Instead I view a blog as a small window into a moment of time, a stream of thought. And that being allowed to share in that insight—however casual or small or disjointed—is something to be grateful for. That even when it is something I don't agree with or understand or want to hear; by my choosing to go and read it I make a contract with the other parties involved to be respectful.

And not only that, but that it is not something to hold against someone, that it's not that they are writing things as a way to hurt people or been aggressive or to be judge. That they are just sharing something simple that could be simply different the next day. That how they feel when they are alone with their words doesn't mean this is how they feel as they make their way through the day to day of living. That reading too much into spare moments on-line or stream of thought doesn't really accomplish much at all.

So if I write about buying an ugly sweater it doesn't mean anything more than if I write about being disappointed in a person. That if I talk about Sargent Beverly doesn't mean I'm into crack whores or that a review of how I hated 'Little Women' doesn't mean I'm beating down your favorite book. It's just sharing an insight—a thought from a random day or place or of a person or a time.


Sometimes a sweater is just a sweater. And tomorrow it might not even be an ugly sweater.

The Worst Three Hours Ever

I know I haven't blogged in a while--mostly because being unemployed makes you feel like you have the time to do more and yet somehow less gets accomplished at the same time. That being said--Ihad something happen yeseterday that makes me take to my words.

Yesterday was one of those days when I felt like I was hit three times in a row and for no really reason. Just take a hit and walk it off.

I finally got the call for certain about plans for Big Medicine 2. I had already been in discusses about the show and wasn't sure what was going to happen. Basically it was decided by a combination of things that they were going to head in a new direction per TLC and so they needed sopme different staff. And while I was surprised I was being asked back in the same job--they were willing to offer a similiar idea and I was hope to it because I adore the new team. What I wasn't expecting was to be told if I came back it would be what breaks dopwn to a serious demotion in the finiancial sense. And they felt bad and said I shouldn't come back for what was being offered. I was upset because I worked my ass of for that show and felt like I was being tyhrow away. I know Nolan would not be surprised by this but I was.

Afterwards I called my mother because it was her birthday. She was a bit cranky and snapped at me. I asked what was going on and I found out that a dear family friend of ours finally passed away the night before from his end stage cancer. This hit me extremely hard--Ralph Grossi was honestly one of the most amazing people I have ever known.

I have met a lot of 'artist' and 'art lovers' but no one quite like Raplh. He was one of those people who was so into film (not movies) and not in the usual LA way of 'who's in, who directed it, is it super cool, is it artsy?'. He loved film--alll film--with a joy that was always amazing. He would watch anything, enjoyed everything and always loved the magic of a story. He was someone he loved it simply and fully--someone who played a huge part in my life when it came time to chose to try and be a creative person. He always made me promise to love what I do--because the love of a story is the most important part. And I will always remember how he excited he became whenever we talked about films. Just a joy and a light that while I know he's better off--it still breaks my heart.

Finally--in a daze after both these moments--I went to the story to get some wine and dinner. I was on edge and then I ran into Fernando. Fernando is my first LA ex, the one that I learned a lot about myself form dating, someone who did things I have never quite forgiven and not since in three years or so. I had just found out that he had married Rory 2.0 (As our friends from the relationship dubbed him) so I was in shock to walk straight into him and his husband as I was picking wines. We didn't say anything and just had an odd moment of silence then his husband wandered up and kissed him and I was just like 'OH MY GOD.' (One because Carl does look like me and two because EVERYONE is in a serious rel;ationship but me.)

It just felt like everything was fucked with in the course of three hours--you not that good at your job, someone who once upon a time saved your life has passed on and everyone included the guy who never wanted to get married but is now married so it might just be you--all happened and well lets just say I had a bit of a Brittney Spears moment. Though no children were hurt.



I'm ready for this to be over

Run, Run, Run Otis Lee


Run, Run, Run, Otis Lee

I finally pulled myself together and hit the streets of Studio City for a late night run. I hadn't done this since I came back from San Francisco for a million easy excuses but I fginally ran out of those and hit the ground with my feet rather than my mouth.

It's been a bit weird the last few weeks--obviously I have been working through some things but mostly I have been working thorugh myself. There's been some vicodine, some sadness, some honesty and some solutions but none of this felt real until I finally took in the night sky up and down Moorpark.

That its okay for Naomi to have gone to Las Vegas to live--that she'll be fine and I'll be fine and we'll miss the fuck out of each other but that's not an end. If anything its a free place to stay and a better reason to stay longer.

That addressing things with Samuel was important and needed and allows me quite a bit more clarity. That being blunt with Rocco made things better and he totally got where I had been coming from with all the push and pull. That I don't need Nolan's permission to do what I want in regards to BM2. I can do what I want the best way I can and that's all.

That I'm happy I spent the money on the recent upkeep of things. That if I can't really take care of myself than how can I take care of anyone else? I mean-there's a line between reckless and stupid and its time to stop straddling it and make the choice. There's really only one.

I'm not really sure why the movement gives me clarity but I'm gonna go with till the feet are stumps and there's nothing left to push with. Why fight forward movement?

Flipping Coins

In the last few days I have grown somewhat disappointed with handful of people in my life. I don't know if I am being fair but expected much better from this handful than I have been given and I don't know what I should do. Or rather-if I want to do what I should do... It just makes me sad to think about and it's enough to make me rethink certain relationships.

But on the other hand-as I was running last night-I forced myself to try and think about all the happy things about the people I know. To try and feel inspired rather than upset by them--to find something good rather than something sad. About how people are changing their lives to try by being brave and open and honest and driven. How there are good people in my life who deserve my respect and admiration.

The others aren't worth my time.

Ding Dong

Mrs. Garrett has given us a move out date. She has a new apartment. She is moving out when I am going to be visiting two of my nearest and dearest in San Francisco. When both I and Edie (back from filming) return to our house she will be gone.

It's so amazing how relaxed all of this makes me. that she is moving out. That someone I like is moving in. That there will be no awkward good byes. She'll just be gone.

If anything will make me believe in a high power--this might be it!

(Party to come soon!)

How My Weekend Started

Four brothers arrested in North Hollywood robbery spree
Article Last Updated: 07/09/2007 10:29:55 AM PDT

NORTH HOLLYWOOD - Four brothers were in custody today in connection with a robbery spree in which the suspects allegedly used a replica handgun, baseball bats, and a knife to stick up their victims and steal cellphones and jewelry, police said.

Police said the incidents began just before 11 p.m. Friday when police responded to an assault with a deadly weapon and several armed robbery calls in the North Hollywood area. Officers spotted the suspects' vehicle before taking them into custody without incident, police said.

One victim of an assault told police he was high on drugs when several males confronted him before he blacked out, police said. He later woke up at a hospital with facial injuries, unaware of how he got there, police said.

Jose Alberto Garcia, a 25-year-old construction worker from Reseda, and Jose Cruz Ibarra, 22, from Reseda were arrested in the 7300 block of Laurel Canyon Boulevard in North Hollywood. Juan Carlos Gonzalez, a 27-year-old home child care worker, also from Reseda was arrested about a block away on Sherman Way. Manuel Antonio Ibarra, a 20-year-old cashier, from Huntington Park, was arrested in the 4200 block of Valerio Street, also nearby, police said.

The suspects were booked Saturday into the Los Angeles County Jail on suspicion of second degree robbery, the detective said. Bail was set at $100,000 for each.

In addition to recovering victim's cellphones, jewelry, and other property, police seized a replica Glock handgun, two baseball bats, and a knife, all believed to have been used in the crime spree, police said.

LAPD Detective Joe Esquivel identified the suspects as brothers and said detectives were looking into whether the men were involved in other heists.
For up-to-date news and observations on crime in Los Angeles and the San Fernando Valley, check out the Daily News' crime blog by clicking here.

Guns! Gossip! Gumshoes!

So I was mugged this past Friday. I’m not sure there is anymore dramatic build up needed than to say I was held up at gun point while walking to meet the gang at a neighborhood bar. But since the devil is in the details I’m gonna give my due.

If I was to ever believe in karma than this might be the one time to really get into that philosophy. I was walking down to Residuals on Vineland to meet up with a handful of people for drinks—what’s ironic is that I pushed to meet at this bar since it was close so I could walk. Kaylee had started the e-mails and Lola pushed for the place but I made my feelings known on the subject.

So when Kaylee texted me she was not coming out I was a bit disappointed. That and I had something I REALLY wanted to discuss with her and didn’t want to wait. So when I got home from work I made a quick meal, took a shower, sent a text that I was on my way and decided to call Miss Kaylee on the way.

Now I won’t get into what I was discussing with her but it was actually not very nice but something rather dramatic that had just happened and I want to be able to fully relish the moment. It is not something I am proud of and certain people would be hurt if they knew what I was discussing which is where karma comes in.

I was almost at the corner of Vineland and Ventura—basically across from the bar when three young Hispanic guys walked toward me. Now this is not abnormal in my neighborhood—people tend to walk around all the time from the stores and coffee shops or over to the subway. I saw them and they saw me—and as I came closer they spread out to let me pass as I continued on the phone.

It wasn’t until they got right on top of me that everything changed. One of the three stepped directly in front of me and demanded my phone, one stood to my right with a gun pulled out and crouched down. I couldn’t tell much about the gun but it did look like a glock—similar to the type my dad had as a cop. The third guy stood behind me and pulled one arm behind and with his other hand pulled out my wallet and searched my other pockets.

What’s funny is that I didn’t panic at all—I was kind of dumbfounded because of where we were—how light out it was, the fact that were obvious cameras on the pole around us. I was so taken back that I didn’t even say anything to Kaylee—who was still talking on the phone the whole time—instead I just went with it. The guy behind me made me open my hands and gave me back my keys while the one in front of yelled about locking at them.

This is the only stupid thing I did at the time—as he kept yelling at me and they started off I did yell at them. I called them stupid fucks, that there were cameras around and they weren’t gonna get jack shit from me. The one with the gun was so startled he stopped and turned back to me but the other two grabbed him by the arms and pulled him away. I quickly crossed the street and into the security booth of the apartment complex there and told them they might want to call the cops.

There is nothing worse than dealing with the cops in the aftermath of a crime. Besides they fact that the 911 operator was rude I then got to wait for about 20 minutes until the cops showed up. I had to reenact the crime several times and felt myself getting worked up because all I wanted to do was go and see my friends. The cops were nice but not very comforting when one of them revealed I was the third person to be ‘hit’ in the last two hours. Which made me madder since the crimes were in all the same area and by the same guys but what could I do? The younger officer (Officer Ricky) offered to take me home but I said no.

Both cops were a bit thrown that I still planned to head off to the bar but I didn’t know what to do. Officer Ricky offered to help me call my friends but I realized that I didn’t know any of their numbers—they were all in my cell phone. Instead I suggested they should go and try and catch the guys. I then headed off to the bar.

It wasn’t until I was outside the bar that I realized that I didn’t have any ID and there was no way they were going to let me in the bar. I debated what to do but I didn’t want to walk back home past where I was just mugged and the guys still at large. I flirted with the idea of trying to get the doorman to find my friends but it was crowded outside and lots of skinny loud girls around him and I just couldn’t handle explaining myself to a stranger. So I figured that there were three smokers in the group and that eventually they would come out.

I waited about an hour before I gave up hanging around the parking lot and decided I needed to head home, get my passport and come back. It was scary walking but where the mugging happened; I was more angry though. I wanted to see the bastards again. I wanted to beat the shit out of them. I carried a brick the whole walk home.

It wasn’t until I got home that what happened fully hit. I turned on my computer to get the phone number list I keep on my desktop but picked up the phone to see if I could even remember a number. I realized that I had programmed a handful of numbers in the phone and while most were out of date—Kirby’s wasn’t.

Without even thinking about it I called her. She was at a party and I tried to get off the phone because she was having fun but instead I just started to cry. And I was mad about that but I needed someone and she was the first one I stumbled across. Of course she offered to come and meet up with me. She’s such a good friend.

I met her outside my building because I knew I had to force myself to be outside and feel safe. I brought my passport, we went to 711 where I got cigarettes and soda, and she hugged me a lot. I needed it. She was the one who pointed out we should go to the bar and while it was hard—I’m glad I did. I needed to be around my friends. I needed a drink. I needed to feel like things were normal. For that I was extremely grateful.

Later that night, I was a bit worried about the fact they had my address but decided to read the returning of my keys as a sign they weren’t interested in robbing my apartment. I canceled my bank card and made a list of things lost—my license, my phone, my social security card, my 6 Flags season pass. Stuff to deal with later.

It was at 3am when the phone rang and I knew I had to answer it. Kirby figured out how to change my cell phone message and I had made mention of my phone being stolen and to call my home number so I figured it could someone freaked out. It was the police telling me they had made an arrest and recovered my phone which was awesome and that I would get it at some point in the future. But no sign of my wallet.

I spent the next few days doing the weird bits and pieces of clean you have to do after something like this. I called my mom because I didn’t want have her stumble across the news before I could break it to her. I went and searched the neighborhood where I was robbed to see if they tossed my wallet. I researched on-line how to get a new license, a new social security card, whether they had used my bank card.

I still went out and did things—sometimes normal is the only thing you have at times—I saw Lucy in Hollywood. I talked with Mrs. Garrett about her apartment hunt. I sent out a thank you card to Kirby. I called Kaylee to let her know what happened. I paid bills.

Saturday Officer Ricky called to see if I was okay. He said he was worried because I was so calm if short with him the night before. I told him that I realized that what happened was so odd—the bold way they robbed me. The fact they were on a crime spree with no plans of stopping. The fact that I lived in the neighborhood and nothing like this EVER came close to happening before. That it wasn’t like I had done anything risky, I was aware of them and my surroundings. It wasn’t normal. It was dumb luck.

The truth is—this is not the first time I have been mugged. The first time was in Boston and I did stupid things that lead to that. I was more in danger then and I somehow knew that at the time. I was going to be fine. I had no choice but to be fine or else I was going to have some serious issues if I couldn’t walk outside without being afraid. Which Officer Ricky seemed to get and he promised to talk to me soon.

This is more irony because the next day I woke up to a knock at my door. I dragged my hung-over self (the stress led to more smoking and drinking) to the door and there he stood smiling and asking to come in. I figured he had my phone and knew I was being rude so I took into the kitchen. He said that something really lucky had happened while he was at lunch—and then he handed me my license.

Turns out he and his partner Officer Hofstra were at lunch nearby and while smoking in the parking lot he stumbled across my license on the end of the dumpster at the resteraunt. Just weird and he was surprised because he couldn’t believe it was mine and he headed over to hand off personally. I was so surprised that he thought I didn’t want my ID back but I went to the bathroom—threw some water on my face—and headed back to kitchen where he waited. I thanked him and he told me I was lucky.

Truth is—he’s right. I was very lucky. I was okay, they were caught, things came back to me and everyone did the right thing at the end of the day. I guess I am still a bit thrown but I am also lucky. So maybe the back half of this was karma. Not the first part.

(PS Before anyone asks again—Officer Ricky was quite cute and nice. He did seem concerned. He will be calling again about my phone. I have no interest because I am not a badge bunny. And it smack to much of needing a hero to save me.)

I'm Like A Bird

So I spent today nesting. And I mean hardcore in your nest nesting--like cleaning carpets and taking down ugly blind holders and through out tons of shite and replacing light blubs (7 at last count) in some weird attempt to make things homey. (I also spray painted several home decore things which is just to anal and gay for words but there you go....)

I'm not sure why there is such a sudden push on the homemaking end but I'm sure its just part of the plan to psuh Mrs Garrett out. She knows we went her gone via e-mails and a fight that she and I had, making things prettier in anticipation of her leaving just adds to it. Which is a good enough reason for me.

And with someone (I think I know who) sending mail to Kaylee at the apartment already--it is just enough to make Mrs Garrett know she is not wanted. Which works toward the master plan. though it doesn't explain me spending most of the day ironing curtains.....

When Its Good--Words Escape Me

When Its Good--Words Escape Me

This weekend was good. I mean really good.

I got something that I really wanted.

I went to four new places with a combination of 6 good friends.

I managed to take care of something that I really needed to and I think I managed to grow as a person in the bargin.

I got books--books make me hot.

I will go into details at some point but if you were apart of this then thank you.

It means more than you know.

Its Not Hot-Its Heat

Kirby and I met up at my show because she was doing something in the area and we had already made plans to do something else that night. So I jumped in her car and we took off through Hollywood to swing by a friends house to grab her phone.

Imagine our surprise when we come down a pretty big street (not sure which) and there four cop cars blocking the intersection and the sidewalks PACKED with cops and neighbors? At first we thought it was an accident but then three more cop cars pull up behind us and the street is effectively blocked off.

Cops behind us the jump out of their cars and get the shotguns (!!!) out of their trunk and come running right pass the car and down to the intersection. It was just like that movie 'Heat'--but without Val Kilmer with a machine gun.

Of course me and Kirby being us--we leaned up through the sunroof and took pictures of the cops running down the street and texted everyone in our phones. That is until the cops forced us to drive over the sidewalk and down a side street to not be in 'danger's way.'

(All I could think was--hot cop I want to be in danger! Save Me !!!!)

What's even funnier is that Kirby and I have no idea what was going on and didn't see or hear anything on the news. But at least we can say we were part of a gun battle which will look great for our bios.

If It Had A Theme—What Would It Be?
Current mood: Empowered

If It Had A Theme—What Would It Be?

So I had a very gay weekend—okay I can hear the comments from cyberspace already so just shut up—and found myself at a end by the end of it. It started simply enough with the end of my current job and no real plans to celebrate the occasion due to people either out of town, leaving town or other social obligations. So I decided to grab a bottle of wine and some DVDs and just send some time being chill.

(Random side note—whenever I get something new whether it is a cd or a book or dvd I have a compulsion to use said object right away. Nonetheless this means at any giving time I have a stack of novels, mix cds or films waiting to be watched.)

So I sorted through the DVDs and decided that instead of finishing 'Wonderfalls' or 'Queer As Folk' (season one) I would watch the first episode of 'Noah's Arc'. Not the short lived ABC family show but the gay sitcom from the Logo channel about a group of Black gay friends living in Los Angeles and I fell in love with the quirky characters and sense of fun and whimsy.

But after I plowed through the entire first season (yeah—it's that good) I got depressed. There is something about watching a show about a life that you have no part of that can make you crazy. I mean—as I watched the romantic trials and tribulations of Noah and the boys I started wondering why I never had that life. I always thought I would when I was a teen as I read all the 'Tales of the City' books, when I watched 'Beautiful Thing', when I would scour all the random websites about the different gay grottos of New York and Los Angels and Minneapolis. But I never have.

Part of it is my own fear, my shyness, my inability to be fully comfortable within my own skin. But in order to try and get over this claustrophobic feeling I am trying a new train of thought. It was spurred by two separate things recently said to me—one was an e-mail of Buddhist (or was it Zen?) school of thought which broke down to—'get over yourself, you're not that important'. The second was an old saying that my Nana told me—that when you are in a room with 10 new people it always breaks down like this—2 people will love you, 2 people will dislike you and the other 6 won't give a shite. Live like you're always dealing with the other six.

So what I have decided is to not only to listen and learn from both those saying but to take them as a call to action. That from here on out I am going to live my life as if I was that person I always thought I should be. That I will go out more—with friends or by myself—that I will get on the dating thing starting small with on-line stuff and seeing where that goes. To try and become my own star because there's no reason not to.

Hopefully this will involve a lot of new lot of new experiences. Bad dates, better outfits, drunken dancing, new advice column, more fun learning new things and taking myself out of the comfort zone. To put Carrie Bradshaw to shame, to make like Noah and get on with, and to make Mouse proud. There's gonna be a new blog involved with this to help push myself even harder.

I think the new opening is coming up and its time for this lead character to get on with it.

How Dumb Can You Be?

So my current show is ending and I have already started to line up another one which is good...very good... But what I hate is when you ask for the info and there's no following through on it... Especially when new jobs for me hinge on key elements such as location... But I hate getting into the details of how I don't drive--most people look at it as a major weakness--but it works for me on all levels. I can get anywhere and do most anything... But I need info to make that choice as to whether I can stay at a job...

So with this in the back of my head--I started talking to other people about wok leads... Plus I could pass off some of the new leads to Nolan since he is looking too so it's a win/win. Until you e-mail someone about job leads who is working at the new show you are SUPPOSED to be doing so they call you FREAKED OUT thinking that you are blowing off the job. So then you seem like an idiot or flakey so then you have to mull over which is worse... Full disclosure or confusion.

Le sigh. Life is not this hard. It's me being stupid or insecure I guess.

Rocky Interviews Me

We know the game--if you want me to interview you--comment away.

1 - You are on a yacht with 5 people - who are they and why?

Okay--hmm--hard one. I think it would be Michael Dawson, Dylan Drazen, David Levithan, Mom and Edie.

Michael Dawson was the first boy I was ever involved with and it was a complicated and stormy tenage affair that in some ways still effects me to this day--I have many questions for him for my own peace of mind.

Dylan Drazen is one of the few people in my life that I have actively done wrong and I would like the chance to reconnect and make admends. I don't know if he would ever understand what i did but I would like a chance to make it up.

David Levithan is one of my favorite authors of ten lit ever and writes in such a smart and beautiful way--I'd like to try and understand where he gets his muse from.

My mom because i love her and would love to be able to talk with her about everything away from all the stuff that gets between us like real life. She has a lot to impart and I need to take the time with that.

And Edie to get drunk and dress up with. She's really good at that.



2 - What is the title to the New York Times article you write, and what is it about?


'I Was A Fat Bulimic' and it would be about the misconceptions regarding what is a eating disorder and how it doesn't mean painfully skinny girls but rather all types of people.


3 - Describe the perfect accessory.


The perfect accessory would be the perfect pair of sunglasses. Eye care is important and should be sexy and well fitting.


4 - If you had to pick your lowest low, when would that be and what triggered it? Do you feel foolish now for letting that get to you?


My lowest low--that's a hard one to pick. I think it would me begging someone out of my past for an acceptence that they would never giv me. I still wonder why I was deemed unworthy but it has been said to me any times since that I was unworthy of the entire situtation in the first place.


5 - If you could be anyone, who would it be and why?
I would stay myself. I already know the lay of the land and am comfortable with who I am. I don't need much more than that. (Though I would think being Justin Timberlake would be fun for a night.)

Rories Wobble

It is six months—almost to the hour—of when Samuel and I ended. Not broke up—that happened over the days and weeks afterwards with drama and phone calls and sex and too many words. Useless words as it turns out—words that better writers than us would have edited out of the story, the script. But six months ago is when I knew that things were over.

That all that we had been working towards, building towards, making allowances for had been in vain. That he was leaving, that I couldn't make him stay, that for all of the best reasons and the worst of emotions we had reached the finale. No goal or end result. Just an end.

And so I made a deal with myself. I could have six months to work through it. Six months to get over all of the moments and the memories and the missteps. To take a deep look at myself and see where I went wrong. That I could only examine myself in all of this—that I could try to understand where he was coming from but how many of us can do that. No one really can.

So I spent my days on ledges, sometimes the constant bitch, my own Margo Channing storming the stage, sashsaying down staircases, being smug and demanding and mean. The half of the time I was Mrs. Habersham, in my moth-eaten wedding dress, speaking of sad love gone away, pacing the interiors of my mind. I took myself to task.

I wondered if I loved enough, did enough, changed enough, was fair enough, believed enough…. Whether I was ever really there in the moment or just watching from the sidelines and waiting to see how the story ends. I do that more often than not and while it makes my wit, it also makes me aloof. But I came to certain realizations

That I am not a lover—at least not in the Dante's meaning of the word. I am not some wide eyed romantic, I don't long for the wooing, I don not take much delight in the first bite of the apple. That when it comes to being in love—I don't pursue it. I don't live for it the way some do. I don't need to be married or have the family or the whirlwind of courtship or any of a million things that a million people more than I could count. It's not who I am.

I am sure that part of this is from the grab bag of emotion weirdness I grew up in; that all the little things that brought me through childhood shaded and coloured how I would always view relationships. This is not to say I that I push away love—I'm more like Drew Barrymore in 'Never Been Kissed'; I live on the pitcher's mound, I am waiting and meeting love half way and the timer hasn't even started yet.

It may not be the best start but it is the one that I am best at. So when I wake up tomorrow I'm going to allow myself to be over it. That all this stuff I have been holding on to gets pushed out finally. It's not perfect and I'm going to force myself. But now it's time to wobble—not fall down.

From Piper's blog.



"the thing is, happiness isn't that hard, or rather it shouldn't be that hard."

It moves me in the moment.

Unexpected Delights

Last night was rather nice. I was a litle depressed because of the situtation with my mom and sister--due to circumstance we weren't able to meet up again before they headed back to Boston and I was feeling guilty about the whole affair. I think things could have been better if I knew sooner they were coming and so i could have cleared my schedule better but it was not to be. Instead I was able to head out to drinks with Lizzie, Bess, Shelly and Joy over at Mexacalli.

It was nice to get some face time with the girls that I don't see enough. I got to hear a rather funny story about Shelly's trip up north, make plans to go out tonight with Lizzie Bess and Shelly for a film and get to catch up a bit with Joy. Later I headed out to Match where I was able to meet up with Valeska, Kelly and Johnny as well as some of Valeska's friends. It was also important for me to touch bases with kelly about some things and it seems everything is good in the world.

It's nice to go out and just have a fun and laid back night for a change. It was unexpectedly delightful and something i need to try and do more of.

I Am A Paper Cup-Coo Coo Ca Choo

I think 31 is the year that will break me. So much has happened and so fast and unexpected in means and fallout that I spend a portion of my time just being flummoxed. And its not like any one thing will set of this feeling but rather all the conditions have been a bit stormy. Which leaves me at a loss.

My Vegas trip from two weekends ago was mostly good for private time with my girls. What I wasn’t anticipating was how weird everyone has been in some form or another. There were hives and tears and confessions and laughter and drunkenness that lead to places I could have packed luggage for. And most of the turmoil was inner. I had a moment when out to dinner when I just wanted to be anywhere other than where I was, to throw my glass against a wall and storm out to cry alone. I don’t think I have felt that drained and raw in so long. Much worse than anything post college. But I pushed through and managed to get myself under control.

Then my sister and mom came to visit which was nice but bittersweet and left me feeling as selfish as could be. There is something about a four year old you have never met giving you love and tears and attention that can make you feel like the biggest heel to have ever lived. So I wonder if I am not a good person for making more of an effort but I also have never been met half way on the subject so I am even more at a loss.

I just feel like I have been falling flat as of late. As a friend to those who are in need, as a son and brother to those who want me, as a person of interest in the romantic sense. It’s just so draining to feel as if I am so lost. I dream of fog and shadows and running through them calling out for something unknown.

I know I am being too hard on myself but I can’t seem to stop at the moment.

Amazing Moments of Empowerment Only Come After Heartbreaking Disappointment When Shallow Narcissistic Comparisons With People Who Have No Clue How Close to the Edge One of Their ‘Closest’ Friends is Living.

TBD

Here's My Weekend; Bulletin Points Style

Friday

Missed the movie in Westwood for work. Besides staying late for a new hire and being stood up, I was called by boss ten minutes after getting home which lead to me doing 45 minutes of work from home. (Fun)

Since I was depressed about missing the film I decided to have some drinks and watch 'The Way We Were'. This lead to me being drunk, crying briefly at the end and leaving a drunken message for Samuel. (Good times.)

I have been watching Jaq's cat while she is in Europe working. Her apartment (across from mine) is next to the managers and I was visiting with said cat when I got a knock on her door at 230 in the morning. I opened the door to find a drunken neighbor looking for the managers because two of her friends were arguing with one of the new neighbors. (A bit scary)

I went back with new girl (Michelle) to help with the fight situation after the managers didn't open their door. Turns out that two of her guy friends were making out and the new neighbor was upset about it and they were all fighting. I watched for a bit and everyone calmed down and Michelle invited me in for drinks. I was drunk so I went. (Why not?)

Saturday

Woke up in bed with Galen; new neighbor Michelle's friend. (He would be the other gay guy--not part of the couple.) This is incredibly funny and awkward and led to conversations about names and tattoo. (Very hung over)

Galen left me hung over in bed. I did yoga and drank almost a gallon of water before heading out to get my hair cut since I might not have time in the next week or two before mom comes to visit. I also try to figure out if I will be capable of drinking at Joy's party. (Ambitious)

Party is wonderful. Willis is there for quite a bit and we get to talking. Lola briefly gets teary, Edie gets drunk and dances on the banquet, the music is quasi-lame, Vedder pays for almost everyone's drinks, and I manage a bit of time and space with all involved. And tipsy! (Committed.)

Sunday

Some of us ended up at an after-hour club post Joy's party. The "club" is a hole in the wall time house run by Jamaicans and is quickly nicknamed the ganja house for we have to smoke our cigarettes in the yard but pot is fine anywhere in the house. The party posse at this point is Nolan, Dominic, Vedder, Edie (the four of whom are wasted) as well as Lola and I. We are the only white people there for the first few hours and are very unpopular since our friends cheer whenever someone comes in. (Mortified.)

Lola and I decide that the kids need to get some food so we talk them to Denny's. Edie is slowly sobering up and labels the three drunken boys dead weight. Vedder calls a cab and disappears before food. I steal everything of the table because it's funny. Nolan throws up in the bathroom. I don't eat at Denny's because am trying to drop as much weight as possible before mom comes to visit. (Hungry)

Wake up five hours after getting home to head out shopping with Valeska and Kelly in Beverly Center. Discover H & M. Discover how much I can spend at H & M. Fall in love with random jacket at Planet Funk. Realize that I need said jacket. Come home with about four bags of clothes. (Expensive and fashionable.)

Hung out with Kelly back at her house. I slept on her floor. Talked about how excited we are for Vegas. Became very excited about Lucy and Chloe coming down from San Fran to Vegas since we haven't seen them in over two years. (Excited, excited, excited.)

Came home to do laundry and have message from Galen on land line. Called him back to find out he is wondering if I found a black American Express card in my room. I tell him no and am a little offended that he thinks I am some trick that would steal shit but don't say anything since I was a trick enough to get drunk and just wake up in bed with him even if we didn't have sex.


Galen then tells me about how the gay couple from Friday night had just met and that he thinks one of them (Dan—not Danny which is the other guy's name) used his card in Long Beach. I then hear long story about Dan lives in a halfway house after getting out of rehab which was court enforced so Galen isn't mad because Dan probably needed the money since he was most likely kicked out after spending all night with us at Michelle's.

I feel a bit better and Galen asks when he can see me and I ask why and he makes fun of me. 'I'm trying to be nice to you. I would like you to not think I accuse every guy I meet of steal shit. I'm not Richard Gere. I'd like to take you on a proper date.' I say I have to call him back. (Unsure)

Then I watch 'Brothers and Sisters' then call Edie for advice but differ on doing anything about Galen yet. I finish my laundry and go to bed. (Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy)

Questions from The Teen Dream Machine...


What in the hell are you doing for a job currently? Working with Nolan on a new television about fat people and surgery. It makes me stay away from candy. Sweet, sweet candy.

You have one day left to life. You can go anywhere in the world. Where do you go? What do you wear? I would head to ... Cairo to see the pyramids of Gaza. It would be hot so I would probably been in a linen jumpsuit so I don't die. Or dressed like Brendan Fraiser in 'The Mummy'.


What experience has taught you the most in the last year? Heartbreak tends to make your reexamine your life and what it is you really want and the hows and whys of what you didn't get. So yeah—Samuel and I ending was the lesson.


In 45 words or less, why is LA actually a fun town to live in? Everyday there is a moment of undeniable beauty—the houses light up the hills like a hundred Christmas lights, the feeling of warm breezes and music and friends as you drive along the beach, the fact that it is so wide and spread open. It's so blue, green and sun kissed.

Why do people bitch about psydo-celebs and then still read tmz.com and all other such blogs/Entertainment Tonight? Simply? People are hypocritics. They just are—every time someone says to me "Paris is an idiot, what has she done?" my response is always the same. She has done something—she's making you talk about her, care about her, hate he. You want her to go away? Then just stop talking about her, thinking about her, reading about her. You have the power.



Per the rules of the interview game, here is how you play along:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions, so make sure I have your email address. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Fight Ignorance

Al Interviews Rory: Rory tells all!

What is your one Guilty pleasure? Hmm—depends on who you talk to… I think it would be that I reread my soap opera books when really drunk in order to sober up. But most of my past 'sexes' might disagree with that.

When you first meet a guy what is the one thing he can do that would totally turn you on? Hmm—talk to me about classic literature—especially Jane Austen. Or sing to me which is rather odd.

You must eat one of the following everyday for the rest of your life; choose one- Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches, pizza, or cold cereal? Jesus—this hard because I really dislike most of the above…. So I will have to go for pizza though it would have to have jalepenos and stuffed crust.


Put these qualities in order of importance to you?- Good Looks, Good Manners, Good Taste, Good Job, Good Car, Good Temper, and Big Brains. Good manners, good temper, big brains, good job, good taste, good looks.

Please complete? "The Worst thing that I have seen, done or heard is." The Worst thing that I have seen, done or heard is --what you did last night. I know and it's WRONG!



Kaylee is Nosy!


Would you rather give up primetime TV or soap operas? Ask me after they decide whether or not there will be a season four of 'Veronica Mars'. I think that will be the game changer.

If you could have one 'do-over' in your life, what would you do differently? I wouldn't have been such a bitch to Dylan Drazen. To this day I feel like shite about what I did and allowed my friends to do to him.

What is one thing you definitely wouldn't change, despite what other people might say or have said? I wouldn't change anything ever. Don't like it? Fuck off.

Seriously, why don't you like chocolate? I just don't have a sweet tooth. At all. Like I can't stand Coke cause it's too sweet.

What accomplishment are you most proud of? I spent one summer teaching at a camp and there was this one kid Andrew. He spent the first part of the summer spitting and yelling and hitting people so none of the counselors wanted to deal with him. I agreed to spend a little time everyday with him and telling jokes and explaining what he was doing wrong and asking him about why. He seemed to get better but was still very stand-offish with most people. But the last day of that summer Andrew refused to leave camp until he said good bye and he cried the whole time which made me cry.



Joy is Funny

Will Carly and Sonny ever end up back together? This is so chicken or the egg. The real question is—will I care one way or the other? Probably not.

What social setting are you most comfortable in? I am comfortable wherever there is music, booze and night breezes.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Because my life is like a Hitchcock film and I am Tippy Headdren in a phone booth at all times.

It's hot outside, your air conditioning is broken, and it's just intolerably hot inside. How do you spend the day? I would do some yoga to work out the toxins in a hardcore way.

For what reason are you big in Japan? (I know you have that on a hat or shirt) Ralph Macchio and I made a film back in the late 80s. Let's just say it's quite popular and gives a whole new meaning to 'wax on, wax off'.

Per the rules of the interview game, here is how you play along:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions, so make sure I have your email address. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

These Are From My Darling Miss Lucy--Interview style.

Do you use the alias' for people you know in your blog to protect
the innocent?

I could honestly care less about the innoncent--it's more about keeping the troublemakers safe... I mean--a lot of people read my blog who don't have any idea what the alias' stand for which means their first thought upon meeting Edie in reality isn't about how I say she dresses like a drag queen or that Tommy drinks like Betty Ford in the 70's.

How do you decide what name to use for each person?

There is a weird process I go through with the names that varies from person--Lucy's name comes from a short story the real Lucy wrote in which the main character was very self reflective... Chloe's name comes from the fact that Chloe Sevingy played Mona Ramsey in 'Tales of the City' and real life Chloe is my own Mona.

Then there are some people's name that are just variations of their real names and some who even were able to name themselves. (this doesn't even begin to address the fact that multiple have different names for different reasons such as I wanna talk shite or keep a secert for them.

Did you drink the water in the river of 'It's A Small World" in
Disneyland? You did, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?!?

Some of my best fashion inspiration comes from the fact that I ALWAYS drink the water at 'It's a Small World'. This ride is responsible for many fashion movements as well as Gwen Stefani's hit 'Wind It Up'.

Cheez Whiz or Velveta?

To eat? Velveta.... For other? Cheez Whiz for sure!

Does your mom read your blog?

My mom sure does read my blog and always tries to guess who's who. And she's really worried about that slut Gabe. Which is quite funny don't ya know!?

Per the rules of the interview game, here is how you play along:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions, so make sure I have your email address. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Apple Pie? Yes Please!

I don't know if this is blog worthy but I just realized that I love farmers. I should move somewhere where the farming industry is based. Like Minnesota. Or Georgia. That overalls are hot and sexy. That most any man can look good on a tractor. It's so All-American

I think I am losing my mind.

Whatever You Want It To Be

So this past weekend was crazy. As Chloe said—I shouldn’t feel bad for not keeping it written down because I have been out and living it. That said—it’s been a bit topsy turvy in everyway possible.

Friday was weird because of work. Not good o bad but the same old thing but it ended on a weirdly melancholy note. See—for most of this show (like all reality shows it seems) I have been paired off with a single editor for all of my episodes. Flynn and I have had a pretty nasty and interesting working relationship because we’re good at what we do and unable to let anyone else be as good which has led to name calling, trash talking and door slamming. But we have also been pretty damn solid with our episodes which makes all the nastiness worthwhile.

But of course—just as we reached a workable groove between us Flynn decided that it was time for him to run off and start a new show. So we spent Friday tying up the loose ends and just spiffing up our shows. And I have to admit I was kind of sad about him leaving, so sad I gave him a bottle of Jack and shoved him out the door. But maybe I’ll get someone better—maybe even cute.

Bummed out that night I spent the first night of the weekend cleaning and straightening things for Kaylee’s first visit. Since she is moving in the spinster’s old room I have been doing my neurotic cleaning and touch ups that make my place look ever so swank. And I made a list of needed things to make it look even swanker. Exciting eh?

I started my Saturday bright and early because I am a good person and offered stupidly to help Valeska cart her stuff to the former address of Ali and Renny. This was selfless and stupid because I should have slept in but instead was up at ass crack (10:00) with Edie and making our way slowly around the town. But the packing went well with some good help and Valeska and the boy seemed quite happy about the whole thing. I was happy that Kelly and I got to do the lunch run so I could eat something that I wanted too as opposed as to what would be the easiest thing for the group.

But in the midst of moving I received three phone calls from Naomi—my friend from back in the teaching/camp days with Ruby and Irene. She and I usually meet for lunch or a film every few weeks and talk a couple times in between but I had never had her call e like this. I assumed she was upset and called her post moving to see what was up. Without giving away to many details of her story it turns out that her mom’s cancer is back in a major way, she has decided to move out of Los Angeles and end her six year relationship with her bad boyfriend. (I am very happy about the last one.)

We spent most of the evening out getting her drunk and crying and talking about things and reasons and scenarios involving the boyfriend and the mother and a million happy things. She bought a new awesome outfit to be single in and pillows for her first real apartment in ages and she almost cut her off at the mall beauty salon until I pointed out that it was a mall beauty salon. Empowerment only goes so far.

Of course then we had dinner and the drunken high abated and the reality of what was going on hit and Naomi grew kind of ragged. At this point we called her sister to come meet us so Naomi would calm down. It took a while to meet up with her but during that time we talked for reals about what was going to have to happen next. Of course during this time EVERYONE ELSE—or so it seemed—managed to text me about what was the plan for that night. Kelly, Tommy, Kaylee, Edie…they each texted me multiple times during a very tough conversation but it did amuse Naomi to no end so it did serve a purpose.

After meeting up with the sister and helping out by driving Naomi’s car back to the house and then the sister dropping me at my house I quickly changed and headed down to Match and proceeded to hang out as Dominic and Tommy got shitfaced while Kaylee and I got buzzed and Kelly and Johnny just seemed amused. We then headed back to Kelly/Johnny’s and even invited Edie and Bradley to join us for more cocktails and conversation. I had a few too many Jack and Gingers—I forgot how good yet strong the are—and we all headed home kind of late.

I then woke up four hours later to head out the door again—this time to 6 Flags with Kelly, Johnny and Tony. (I can’t really complain about this one at all.) We managed to hit all the major rollercoaster by 1:30 which was awesome compared to the last time I was there and I even discovered why I flip out the thought of the rollercoaster. The stupid safety harnesses make me claustrophobia and that’s what scares me—I could give a rat’s ass about hills and turns but the idea of being stuck in the harness makes me hyperventilate.

Mystery solved and homeward bound, I spent the car ride back from 6 Flags thinking about all the things I would do like laundry and cleaning and bills but instead I slept for an hour or two. (Or three) But Sunday did lead me to get something down—and by something I mean showing Kaylee the apartment and the bedroom and making sure she wanted in. Which she does and so now Edie and I have the latest roommate (Recast number 8) but now we have to get Mrs. Garrett to firm up her last day in the apartment. I may have to drive her out.

Which should be a series of blogs—right?

Quote of the Week

"Seriously, raidining her closet could only make you butcher'

Samuel regarding the news of Kaylee moving in.

A Revelation, Not a Rationalization.

I have spent a lot of time making excuses for others and myself. I had allowed myself to be too easily hurt by accusations instead of facts—I consistently questioned my own behavior instead of trusting my judgment. I wanted to make things simple and happy and civil and respectful.

But then I had a huge turning point this past week. I was upset about things, all sorts of things and just beating myself up. It wasn’t until an unlikely source pointed out the obvious—that I was giving too much credit to someone who didn’t deserve it, nobility to someone being selfish. That I needed someone outside of the situtatution to look at it and say clearly—this is fucked up. He is fucked up. You’re fucked up for accepting any of this.

Her arguments made sense. She is right that I have been so busy with my heads in the clouds, idolizing things and places and people that I have lost any perspective. That I have being making excuses for the things I don’t like instead of just saying—this sucks. You suck. Over this.

It was what I needed to hear. What I need to know.


Thanks Miss Janie

Crying Isn't Professional.

I have to remind myself that I do not have to let myself gt worked up about certain things. I knew this would happen eventually and that I would be told but it still hurts to know that it did actually happen. I'm being foolish.

Hiding in the bathroom at work doesn't help.

Fan Meet Shite, Shite Meet Fan

So I went out Monday night with Miss Edie. We hadn't seen each other much this weekend and decided to run errands together and catch up at the same time. As we were leaving Edie got a phone call from Tommy and we decided since we were in his neighbor that we should get coffee. His response? 'Fuck coffee--let's get a drink.'

We met up a bit later at CVS while I bought hair dye and they wander around looking at hair dyers. I made some purchases and tried to find something to snack on since I had not eaten anything since 2 in the afternoon and it was 9:30 already. Edie and Tommy were willing to try and find a bar with food but I knew that Tommy really wanted to head to Pineapple Hill so I said I would be fine.

Now I should know better than to ever drink on an empty stomach but I figured a bloody Mary would be fine. Now since Tommy and Edie hadn't caught up in a while I just sat there and nursed my drink as they talked about everything that happened in their lives in the past month. Without even realizing it I finished my first drink and was on my second before they had even caught their breath.

Of course--since both Tommy and Edie are enablers so they either bought my drinks or convinced me I should have another till i was about 5 drinks in and feeling quite fine. Then Tommy bought me a shot which was quite yummy and I was definately feeling buzzed and jumpy.

I kept looking around the bar and bouncing in my seat as they continued to talk about stuff. I knew I was feeling pretty tight but figured my water intake was helping to balance things out. As I tuned out the conversation around me I was shocked when someone familiar stumbled into the bar. Maybe it was fate, luck or chance but Chance himself was in Pineapple Hill.

Yes--Chance--the Big Brother co-worker, past summer crush, and the man responsible for the most romantic night ever in my life (Hey Joy--remember that?). That Chance had just strolled into Pineapple Hill and I about lost my shite to the amusement of both Tommy and Edie. After a quick show of hands it was decided that I "had" to go talk to him because I "needed" to see what was up. I waited till his friend (female friend) drifted away and I swooped in all casual.

He seemed pleasantly surprised to see me and gave a me a nice hug. I sat down with him and we talked about what was going on in our lives--mostly work and Big Brother and how we were both out of there for good. He was goofy and charming and just like I remembered and I was trying to be the same.

It might have worked but i almost burst when he told me that the reason he was at Pineapple Hill was that he was neighbors! That he no longer lived so far away but up the street and around the way. I was so excited I almost fell of my stool and we talked about how we should hang out more and soon. And I should have left then but I didn't want to leave him at the bar alone.

So I kept talking with him but as I did I slowly realized how drunk I was. Like I could feel the booze flowing in my bloodstream and then I became paraniod that I might be sloppy or slurring my words. So I tried to exit as gracefully as I could when his friend came back up. We said bye and that we would talk soon.

I came back to my table where an amused Tommy and Edie waited. I asked why they let me go over there and they laughed it off. I wanted to sink into the floor but then Chance poked his head around the corner and said 'bye' with a little jaunty wave. I melted a bit.

I now wonder what to do--part of me wants to try and get together with him as friends and just hang out but another part of me thinks I fucked up by being drunk. And Tommy and Edie were no help--they evene ended up buying all my drinks.

Quote of the Month

From Kaylee--just because

In all my experiences of unrequited love, I've never actually told the person I liked them. And I think I figured out why. I think what makes unrequited love so appealing, is it's because it's a false risk. I think when you're deep in unrequited love, you somehow know it's unrequited. So even though there's the fake 'what if he feels the same way' game, you know deep down he doesn't. So there's not really a risk.

It's easy to be passionate about someone on a superficial level when there's nothing really to lose. As I've just started to realize, it's a whole other thing when someone does return feelings for you, because then it's real and messy and uncomfortable because there are real emotions at stake. It's so easy to be passionate and dramatic when you're playing make believe in your head.

I think on some level, people choose unrequited love over real love, because it's easier. Because even though they may long for someone, the hurt isn't coming from another person. It's self-inflicted, so it's easier to bear. There's no fear of rejection, because you're never really putting yourself out there. You can be vulernable without being vulnerable.

It sounds weird, but I think it's true. And it also explains why I would constantly go after guys I knew deep down didn't feel the same way. It's easier to cry about someone you think you can never have because you never put yourself out there, than cry over someone who actually did reject you. Problem is, can't find real love if you hide behind unrequited love.

Rap’s Delight?

Now for something new.

Imagine you are invited to a hip hop night at a bar where a good friend works—there’s even a postcard/posting on myspace with DJ/MC names. You get dolled up with several of your friends—you bring your ghetto pass—and hit the establishment early and start your drinking earlier. But when the DJ starts to warm up the crowd with unheard hip hop songs that are akin to muzak and then announces that the event will begin and some dude goes up and grabs the mic to rap ala ‘8 Mile’---how do you think the night went?

Please give your best recap below.

The Play’s The Thing

So Thursday night I threw on a tie/cardigan and stepped into the past sans DeLoren to head back to high school. Ruby teaches drama at a private school in Hollywood and asked if I wanted to come and see their production of ‘Mid-Summer’s Night Dream’. Now I love Shakespeare so much—I minored in it—but I have a low threshold of bad performances of even the good plays much less the 2nd tier ones.

It was weird for me to be sitting around a quad with the girl’s field hockey team while Kirby and I waited for Heath to join us so we could get our tickets. I never really liked or disliked high school that much but always thought I was a bit too mature to have much fun. But after watching all the girls mingle and squeal and gossip I wonder if I was just being a snob. Of course I saw a few girls who were like I would have been with the all black and coffees and making fun of the giggly heifers but they seemed a bit too bored and trying to hard.

Finally Heath showed up and we made our way through the girls as the parents showed up. (Random side note—there were celeb parents there like Sean from ‘General Hospital’. I didn’t swoon.) We took our seats and settled into the gym where the stage was set up. I was impressed by the quality of the set and the obvious money they had at their disposal even though it looked like it was inspired by Demi Moore’ bedroom sense in ‘St. Elmo’s Fire’ with blowing fabric similar to her curtains in the scene where she’s all freaked out about the coke. That being said—the show came to a slow start and I loved it.

It’s weird to see a play being done in a high school gym that is not only better done than anything you’ve seen in the last few years in Los Angeles theatre but that these high school kids managed to take a play I hate and make me care and root for things to all work out. I think it’s a huge testimony to Ruby’s great skills as a director (as well as how she really connects as a teacher) that I managed to either forget or ignore all my issues with the play. From top to bottom it was amazing. Even Kirby got into the show and she hates Shakespeare.

As we wander out at the end of the show through the proud parents and squealing teens and bashful boyfriends with their flowers I couldn’t help but be a little jealous. Not of being that young or even still in high school but of what it would have been like to go to a school like that and have a teacher like Ruby in my life back then. Would I have wanted to be an actor, would I learned to love the most dull of the bard’s works? Would I have been less bored and aloof as a teen? It’s an interesting thought.

Though it still kills me that one couple in the play only works out due to magic and trickey. It just seems so unfair. But that’s probably because I can’t use magic to make someone love me.

Cardigan, Merlot, and Prose

So this weekend was a bit tiring but a much needed break from social things... I realized that I hadn’t been super honest about how I was feeling because I have been constantly pushing things down for the benefit of others. It might sound like I’m coming down on people—my friends—for saying that but I made the choice to stay silent.

It didn’t really help that in the aftermath most people just trashed my relationship and the boy to my face pretty quickly. And that makes it hard to be honest and raw when on some level you suspect that the person you’re talking to is judging you for being stupid to have given some much to someone so clearly not deserving.

So I just stopped putting my feelings out there when I was out with people. Part of the reason I kept such a low profile wasn’t that I wanted to be alone but I wanted to talk about my feelings and the boy and my mistakes but felt that I didn’t have an avenue to. Which is unfair in some cases but true in others. But now I know where I went wrong that in that thought process.

Of course I realized all of this after spending a night or two with Dorothy Parker and cheap merlot and cuddly clothing. Which was originally what I was going to be writing about but I chose to be honest instead.

Thanks to Heddy for giving me room to be honest. I think I needed it.

Music Fun

I love music and this past few weeks has been about a ton of music. This doesn’t even include the gift cd I got from a very good friend. (Though we both like the same song which I had just bought before it arrived on my mix CD.)

1) Hey School Boy by Stefy

2) Rehab by Amy Winehouse

3) Goody Two Shows by Adam Ant

4) Popular by Nada Surf

5) Undone by Weezer

6) I Get Around by Dragonette

7) My Mood Swings by Elvis Costello

8) Buddy Holly by Weezer

9) 9-5 by Lady Sovereign

10) Us by Regina Spektor

11) Beverly Hills by Weezer. (Wow—I must be Emo to have three,)

12) Ladykillers by Lush

13) Tramp by Salt N Peppa

14) Son of A Gun by Missy Elliot with Janet Jackson and Carly Simon

15) No More Words by Berlin

16) Jonny Are You Queer by the Go Go’s

17) So Jealous Boy by Fabs

18) Deceptacon by Le Tigre

19) Oh Yeah by the Cliks

20) Too Drunk to Fuck by Nouvelle Vague

How I Feel Today



Just in General

real quote of the week

"sure, we all want to have sex, be loved, get taken out and wined and dined and 69'ed, but sooner or later the wine runs out, the plates are cleared, and all your left with is one fucking messy bed."

Chloe regarding relationship messes.

Quote of the Week

Sunday Fun

"She needs a long drive through Slap City..."

Trotsky regarding Anita recent game playing

Flip Flop


I had forgotten how pedistrian things have been as of late. I can't blame the higher ups on this one but rather myself for forgetting which way things roll in my little piece of the world. Who I should trust and listen to, where I stand with certain people but I do pride myself on knowing when I am 'over it'. Which is a good enough place to get back to where I was before this amnesia.

That said--I need to figure out several things

50 Whores on Stage and None of Them Are Us.

So this past weekend I took to the road and hit up Palms Springs with some of the girls. (Kelly, Lizzie, Joy, Valeska, Sabine and Tanya.) Joy’s granddaddy has a house down by PS and so she thought it would be cool just to jaunt down for a weekend and see what kind of trouble we could get into. Valeska Kelly and I headed down after work on Friday—though I took a chance and skipped out early from work to get a quick haircut and pick up some pants I had altered at my tailor’s. (I love tailors because it’s like getting new pants for next to nothing.) So after a quick nap I met up with the girls and we took to the open road. There was gossip and traffic and music as well as plans made. It turns out that Metal Skool was performing at Margano Casino that night so we were going to see the best hair band tribute act ever.

That night at the show was pretty funny—due to the traffic we stopped at the casino before the house which led to Valeska Kelly and I all changing up our outfits like hookers at the casino. The plus side was that we got into the Key Club to see the opening act which was so young I think that we could have parented all of them. But they were cool and their friends were dorks and were all kicked out after the set since they weren’t over 21. Then Metal Skool prepped to take the stage as the other girls arrived.

The show itself was good but most of the girls hadn’t seen the band before so it was new to them. The sexy funny sleaziness of the band came through and was only heightened by the fact that every drunk, slutty, white trash girl (minus our group) appeared dancing on stage at sometime during the set. There was even a few topless one. Weird and funny until the end of the evening when one of us got punched—by accident—and we left the club deaf and defeated.

Soon we were having snacks and reading trashy magazines back at Joy’s house after a bit of scariness at the gate. It seems we were posing as Karen—Joy’s mother—and the security guy was quite confused. But we made our way through the track houses that LOOKED ALL THE SAME and into the fabulous house. (Think the set of ‘Golden Girls’ with bamboo looking furniture, religious plates and glass statues.) Tanya and I explored the house with her camera, documenting the clown art, the doggy art and the misplaced Asian screens. I felt like I was Rhoda without the head scarf.

The next day was spent poolside with the cast of ‘Cocoon’ and two pools with shade for Sabine. It was quite nice, quiet and relaxing—I even made time to swing on the playground which was designed for the grandchildren of the community. Good times if not good pictures. We then made yummy burgers—rather Sabine made the burgers—snacked and listened to music before taking showers and naps. We then headed in for a nice dinner in town with Mexican food where I found out that we were celebrating my birthday with flan. (Fuck you Joy!!!) Then we hit the local pub where Lizzie filmed the various hot, scary, slutty locals as a bad cover band played inside. Good times.

Then we headed home where I proceeded to do some grilling—not burgers—grilling for gossip. I learned a lot about everyone and I hope they learned a little more about me. There was much debate about Anna Nicole’s baby daddy, Brittney’s rehab and Jennifer Hudson’s ugly ass dress as well as Tanya and I doing some minor redecorating.

It was a late night that was topped off with me trying to scare the crap out of Lizzie with some clown art as Tanya tried not to laugh. We almost stole Joy’s at mitzvah video, tried on granddad’s hats and even posed for pictures in the whirlpool tub. Bed came way to soon—even with the lost hour.

Sunday started with just me, Valeska, Kelly and Joy heading out early afternoon since the others took off earlier in the morning. We hot the outlets and shopped and bought shoes (all of us) and accessories and worked our way through 150 some odd stores. It was good times and we still got home rather quickly. It was good times.



Random Quotes

‘Can’t sleep, clowns will get me.’

‘Night Suze. Night Bob.’

‘Well, he’s an intimidating crowd of people.’

‘It’s so ‘Golden Girls’ I want some shoulder pads and cheesecake.’

‘Hey grampy. Your neighbor Ken says hi. Is his wife’s name really Barbie?’

‘Jane is for smart girls or is it old girls?’

'Karen’s my mother’s name. So you’re now my mother.’

‘That little boy is going to be asking his mom what dirty hot is.’

‘Oh man—the golf cart is broken.’

‘Oh look—this week it’s Metal Skool—next week is Inxs—you would think they would have airbrushed that photo.’

‘I’m just doing my best Oprah.’

‘Happy birthday Rory.’

Weirdness Abounds

So I have been feeling a bit off as of late. It started the other night when Jac stopped by and said that we should hang out this weekend. She wants to make sure we get some time in before she moves to New York. And I had totally forgot about that plan of hers till that night. And it how much seems like things have been changing in fast forward over the last year and half.

I mean between the roommates being switched around and the couples breaking up and people moving away and people getting rather serious in their love lives and engagements and the boy leaving and Kirby in love and babies and now Jac leaving and the reality of Edie leaving mostly within the next year and not seeing much of anyone anymore more by device than design.....

I know that all of these things are necessary and good and healthy but I can't help feeling left behind. Like someone I have missed some big ass step to being an adult and moving forward with my life. It makes me a little scared and weaky and flighty and just out of sorts.

I'm totally overthinking things.

Thanks Ever So Much

I had an amazing weekend. Some of you were a part of it so thanks. Booze, boys, broads and bars jsut all teamed up to rock it out. It just worked on all four angles.I don't think I've been this happy in awhile.

So a special thanks to Miss Chloe for telling me how to feel. And making me feel good.

So this morning I headed out of my building to wait for Tommie by the curb. As I hit full day light and lit my smoke I had my first sign of life for the day. And that sign was a Los Angeles Country Prision Bus driving down my street.

That's right--a prision bus straight out of 'The Fugative.' I half expected to see Tommy Lee Jones driving it. It's a fucked up way to start the day.

I almost headed back to bed.

Crazed

I am SO excited about Chloe coming to town today that I can barely pull myself together. This on top of TWP forums being down as driven me insane.... But an awesome weekend is coming up.... YEAHAHAHAHAHAH

I am SO excited about Chloe coming to town today that I can barely pull myself together. This on top of TWP forums being down as driven me insane.... But an awesome weekend is coming up.... YEAHAHAHAHAHAH

Music Whore

It's been awhile but I know you're all dying to know my latest additions to my itunes.



1) Regina Spektor 'Fidelity'. Cuase it's sad and romantic and I'm a bit of both as of late.

2) Sade 'Smooth Operator'. Hmm--I wonder why I would want a 'man is bad song'.

3) Culture Club 'Church of the Posion Mind' Because I have no Boy George. And I'm a sucker for gospel singers.

4) Smashing Pumpkins 'Tonight, tonight' Because the other night the song came back into my head as I watched the rain. I just felt it.

5) Gym Class Heroes 'Cupids Cuckhold'. Because it has a great sample and I like the flow of their raps. It's pretty sweet.

6) Joan Jett and the Heartbreakers 'Bad Reputation'. Cause I don't give a damn.

7) Lily Allen 'Smile'. The song is cute and pretty and when you get the lyrics it's all type of bitchy and wrong. Like me--sweet on the senses but a bitch when you understand me.

8) Kool and the Gang 'Hollywood Swinin' Because its disco magic. Truly funk and disco's best mix EVER.

9) Elton John 'This Train Don't Stop Anymore'. Just so soulful and so overlooked.

10) This can be your suggestion--comment at the bottom.

Sorry for the lack of postings....

more coming soon

So I don't know what I have done. It's nothing bad or wrong but its definately open for interpatation and has been already so.

I went to Sabine's birthday last night. I had been on the fence about the event especially after the break up and Michael's plans to attend even with the aftermath of this past week. But I was talked into going and realized that I needed to be around people and not alone in my house with just the emptiness. So I made my way to Kelly and Johnny's to get away from the silence.

As soon as I arrived I made a deal with Kelly that she needed to not let people hug me at the bart since it would make me cry and that she would probably have to take my cell phone away after a certain point in the evening to prevent me from making any bad drunk dials to the boy. But when she was showering I got an unexpected phone call from a random friend about something huge that I would need to talk more about later in the evening. And so I changed my mind and decided that I needed to keep my phone on me.

I was worried about how things would go down at the bar because on the car ride down I cried. I don't think Lizzie, Kelly or Johnny noticed but as we drove by Michael's freeway exit I began to tear up. I just knew that the night was going to be hard no matter how much I pretended otherwise.

And then the drinks started as soon as we hit Sabine's party. It seems that it was a group decree that I should get hammered and so I had a cocktail at every turn of the evening. But it was fine--I posed drunk in pictures and got cuddles and explored a hotel and even ran into an old friend from my teaching days. It was good.

Finally I got the phone call I had been waiting for and I dealt with my friend for quite a bit outside the bar. Once we got as settled as we could, I hung up and without a thought in my head I called the boy. Michael and I had a long converasion in which good and bad things were said and I was honest in that all I wanted was to see him again. I know it's probably foolish but if I learned one thing from all of this it is to be clear about what you want and say what you mean. He agreed but warned me that he had blogged some stuff after we met that afternoon that I would not like--which gave me pause. But I promised to call him back

After the group decided to clear out of the bar--Lola and I decided that we would go and see Shannon at Vine. I was not yet ready to be alone and knew enough to be wary of what I would do if left to my own devices. So off we went to Hollywood proper. It was nice if a bit dull at the bar but Lola and I were able to chat and I drank some cheap sodas to sober up.

When I got home it was after 3:30 so I just went to bed but not before reading Michael's blog posting. The posting wasn't bad--he was angry and some of things he wrote hurt me but it's how he saw what happened and I can't blame Michael for his feelings any more than I can blame mine.

So when I woke up this morning I putted around the house cleaning and paying bills and just being busy. I went back on line and reread his blog and realized that I still wanted to talk with him. So I called him and we made plans to meet up later in the afternoon. I debated whether I should have made the plans but also knew that was what I needed.

Michael showed up rather quickly and we talked for the first time clearly since the break up had happened. There was no yelling or crying or accusations or misundertsandings. I explained that while I wanted him to stay, Michael needed to go home. Need always trumps want. So we just continued to communicated in the most honest and hard ways. And then as we sat on my bed in my room--because I thought the roommate was home--he looked in my eyes then hugged me.

I had not let Michael touch me since after he first told me about his plans to head home. I couldn't let him because I knew it would break me--or I would break him. But as Michael and I sat on the bed hugging and looking into each other's I knew this pure act of touch was what I needed. To let him go physically so I could start emotionally. And of course the touching led to many different things--but ended with my head on his chest and just listening to his heartbeat.

Now whether this was wise is a point that people could debate ad nasuem but I knew that it was something I needed. And we cried and kissed and talked and owned our mistakes in the grand scheme of the past few days. We were honest about where we stood and how we were still over but that didn't mean we had to say good bye just yet.

And so we made a plan to meet up and continue to talk and whatever else until Michael finally heads off home. In some ways this feels like living on borrowed time--a count down to the sadness--but I also feel like in someways this might help me start to let go. Maybe, maybe not. I could just be romantizing this whole turn of events instead of owning the stupidity of the actions.

But it's all I have and all I want in the moment. To listen to his heartbeat while I can, to look into his eyes while I can, to hold him and have hold me while I can. Because all I have right now is control over the moment--not the future. Maybe that's all we ever have--just what we're living in the current second of the time in our lives. I don't know.

Today's been a rough day. And now there is a part of me that is tired and wants to sleep. But there's that realziation that going to bed is just another push down the path to Michael's finally leaving. That knows when I wake up that I'll only have 17 days left.

I don't know if I'm ready.

Never Knew Me At All

So we had it. The last moment of any relationship--the one where you exchange stuff and keys and last words. That even though you mnight want to be friends down the road--that this is what it all comes down to for now. A good bye of sorts.

And we talked and fought and I cried and he did the 'I'll stay if you want' and all that motions that you go through when you end things. Like I could trust him ever again. What's funny is how much he never knew me--or rather--never got to understand it.

Now he says that when he came to me that night that I did have a say in what was happening and that I was the final part of his making decision. Now thinking back on it that might be true. Because I did say that he was useless to me if he wasn't happy here in LA.

That said--anyone who knows me in any way knows that I need time to think about things, to mull them over, before I can make a solid choice. That I am not a snap decision person and that I need time to think. And whne Michael left my apartment that night it was because I told him I needed to think about everything. I didn't realize that he didn't understand that maybe, just maybe, I needed more than an hour to fully decide the course of our rleationship. Instead he took my positive words as go go go and then he went off and made his plans to leave.

To know how little he got me hurts. That he had no understaning of who I was at all burns like a bitch. That when we did discuss things that night I made the point of asking him all the questions and now he's surprised why the answers he gave would hurt me.

And now I have to live with the remains of the relationship. He gets to break my heart while I have to live in the scene of the crime. The bed we shared, the street where we first kissed, the faces of my friends who watched our love unfold now look at me with pity. And he just gets to jet off home. And what's worse is all his 'Degressi Junior' advice. 'Don't let this harden your heart.' He has no fucking right to ever again talk about my heart. Ever.

I thought I was supposed to be home for him. Guess I thought wrong.

Someday I Will Be A Stained Glass Window

I'm going to start this off by saying that I'm drunk and sad and will horribly unfair and even crazy. I probably shouldn't be writing at all but I really need to try and tackle this—if only for my own sanity.

Michael and I broke up this past week. Three nights ago in fact. I wish I could say that I saw this coming, that I had any idea what he was planning or where this was all going… But no—I spent the last week before the break up in totally oblivion. I gave him the key to my apartment for Christmas, gave him my first New Year's kiss and even had some of the best sex of my life. So yeah—I had no idea what was about to happen to my happy little world.

It started off as the way a lot of our nights did—with plans to just get together and hang out. Nothing big, no major plans, just hanging out together. We've been a bit hectic as of late and so it was just meant to be a laid back evening. I realized that I needed to go food shopping and since I had worked late I hadn't been able to get to the store so we went together. It wasn't the first time we hit the local Ralph's together—it was supposed to be no big thing.

It wasn't until we headed back from the store, riding in the car when he told me that he was planning on moving home to New York for a bit. That he would possibly be back in 6 months—unless something happened to keep him home longer. Nothing was said about us per say—but the writing was on the wall. I was so blown out of the water that I didn't know what to say so I said very little but it was all the right things. About how I understood the choice to move home but that he couldn't expect me to live on some open ended promise that he might come back some day to be with me.

It wasn't until the next night that the reality of what happened fully set in. That even though we were a couple and in love that Michael just chose to make this huge decision about us without even talking to me about it. That he could decide to leave without even talking to me about it—or about us. It isn't fair. That when you're in a couple you don't get to pick and choose your life the same way you can that when you're single—you're supposed to make plans together and he never gave us—or me rather—that chance.

On one hand I understand why Michael wants to go home. He's been very unhappy in Los Angeles for a multiple of reasons; he's made little if any headway career-wise, doesn't like traffic and driving and misses the weather. That back in New York he has his family and career opportunities and all of his friends to be with—he could try and make some money while he lives at home. I get it but he never really told me that it was so bad that he wanted to leave here. I had no idea it was that dire.

But on the other hand I am so angry with Michael that I can barely breathe when I think about it. That I loved him—still love him—but at the end of the day all of our plans didn't matter. The fact we talked very seriously about getting married to point of proposal, about having kids, I even went to Edie for permission about him moving in—none of that meant a thing. Because if it had, if the intention was real and heartfelt then how the fuck could he just decide it was okay to leave without even the illusion of choice or discussion?

I wouldn't have asked him to stay if he had actually talked to me about the idea of moving. If he had bothered to explain his reasons instead of just telling me he was going to do this. I might have even been willing to try and work out some type of long distance relationship. Instead what I was given was no consideration for my thoughts or feelings on the subject. It hurts—I'm broken.

I know that in time I will get past this. That I won't cry or hurt or wish bad things upon him. I might even want to be his friend some day. But right now I have nothing, I'm empty, I'm shattered. That's all I have