Never Knew Me At All

So we had it. The last moment of any relationship--the one where you exchange stuff and keys and last words. That even though you mnight want to be friends down the road--that this is what it all comes down to for now. A good bye of sorts.

And we talked and fought and I cried and he did the 'I'll stay if you want' and all that motions that you go through when you end things. Like I could trust him ever again. What's funny is how much he never knew me--or rather--never got to understand it.

Now he says that when he came to me that night that I did have a say in what was happening and that I was the final part of his making decision. Now thinking back on it that might be true. Because I did say that he was useless to me if he wasn't happy here in LA.

That said--anyone who knows me in any way knows that I need time to think about things, to mull them over, before I can make a solid choice. That I am not a snap decision person and that I need time to think. And whne Michael left my apartment that night it was because I told him I needed to think about everything. I didn't realize that he didn't understand that maybe, just maybe, I needed more than an hour to fully decide the course of our rleationship. Instead he took my positive words as go go go and then he went off and made his plans to leave.

To know how little he got me hurts. That he had no understaning of who I was at all burns like a bitch. That when we did discuss things that night I made the point of asking him all the questions and now he's surprised why the answers he gave would hurt me.

And now I have to live with the remains of the relationship. He gets to break my heart while I have to live in the scene of the crime. The bed we shared, the street where we first kissed, the faces of my friends who watched our love unfold now look at me with pity. And he just gets to jet off home. And what's worse is all his 'Degressi Junior' advice. 'Don't let this harden your heart.' He has no fucking right to ever again talk about my heart. Ever.

I thought I was supposed to be home for him. Guess I thought wrong.