So I don't know what I have done. It's nothing bad or wrong but its definately open for interpatation and has been already so.

I went to Sabine's birthday last night. I had been on the fence about the event especially after the break up and Michael's plans to attend even with the aftermath of this past week. But I was talked into going and realized that I needed to be around people and not alone in my house with just the emptiness. So I made my way to Kelly and Johnny's to get away from the silence.

As soon as I arrived I made a deal with Kelly that she needed to not let people hug me at the bart since it would make me cry and that she would probably have to take my cell phone away after a certain point in the evening to prevent me from making any bad drunk dials to the boy. But when she was showering I got an unexpected phone call from a random friend about something huge that I would need to talk more about later in the evening. And so I changed my mind and decided that I needed to keep my phone on me.

I was worried about how things would go down at the bar because on the car ride down I cried. I don't think Lizzie, Kelly or Johnny noticed but as we drove by Michael's freeway exit I began to tear up. I just knew that the night was going to be hard no matter how much I pretended otherwise.

And then the drinks started as soon as we hit Sabine's party. It seems that it was a group decree that I should get hammered and so I had a cocktail at every turn of the evening. But it was fine--I posed drunk in pictures and got cuddles and explored a hotel and even ran into an old friend from my teaching days. It was good.

Finally I got the phone call I had been waiting for and I dealt with my friend for quite a bit outside the bar. Once we got as settled as we could, I hung up and without a thought in my head I called the boy. Michael and I had a long converasion in which good and bad things were said and I was honest in that all I wanted was to see him again. I know it's probably foolish but if I learned one thing from all of this it is to be clear about what you want and say what you mean. He agreed but warned me that he had blogged some stuff after we met that afternoon that I would not like--which gave me pause. But I promised to call him back

After the group decided to clear out of the bar--Lola and I decided that we would go and see Shannon at Vine. I was not yet ready to be alone and knew enough to be wary of what I would do if left to my own devices. So off we went to Hollywood proper. It was nice if a bit dull at the bar but Lola and I were able to chat and I drank some cheap sodas to sober up.

When I got home it was after 3:30 so I just went to bed but not before reading Michael's blog posting. The posting wasn't bad--he was angry and some of things he wrote hurt me but it's how he saw what happened and I can't blame Michael for his feelings any more than I can blame mine.

So when I woke up this morning I putted around the house cleaning and paying bills and just being busy. I went back on line and reread his blog and realized that I still wanted to talk with him. So I called him and we made plans to meet up later in the afternoon. I debated whether I should have made the plans but also knew that was what I needed.

Michael showed up rather quickly and we talked for the first time clearly since the break up had happened. There was no yelling or crying or accusations or misundertsandings. I explained that while I wanted him to stay, Michael needed to go home. Need always trumps want. So we just continued to communicated in the most honest and hard ways. And then as we sat on my bed in my room--because I thought the roommate was home--he looked in my eyes then hugged me.

I had not let Michael touch me since after he first told me about his plans to head home. I couldn't let him because I knew it would break me--or I would break him. But as Michael and I sat on the bed hugging and looking into each other's I knew this pure act of touch was what I needed. To let him go physically so I could start emotionally. And of course the touching led to many different things--but ended with my head on his chest and just listening to his heartbeat.

Now whether this was wise is a point that people could debate ad nasuem but I knew that it was something I needed. And we cried and kissed and talked and owned our mistakes in the grand scheme of the past few days. We were honest about where we stood and how we were still over but that didn't mean we had to say good bye just yet.

And so we made a plan to meet up and continue to talk and whatever else until Michael finally heads off home. In some ways this feels like living on borrowed time--a count down to the sadness--but I also feel like in someways this might help me start to let go. Maybe, maybe not. I could just be romantizing this whole turn of events instead of owning the stupidity of the actions.

But it's all I have and all I want in the moment. To listen to his heartbeat while I can, to look into his eyes while I can, to hold him and have hold me while I can. Because all I have right now is control over the moment--not the future. Maybe that's all we ever have--just what we're living in the current second of the time in our lives. I don't know.

Today's been a rough day. And now there is a part of me that is tired and wants to sleep. But there's that realziation that going to bed is just another push down the path to Michael's finally leaving. That knows when I wake up that I'll only have 17 days left.

I don't know if I'm ready.