I Am A Paper Cup-Coo Coo Ca Choo

I think 31 is the year that will break me. So much has happened and so fast and unexpected in means and fallout that I spend a portion of my time just being flummoxed. And its not like any one thing will set of this feeling but rather all the conditions have been a bit stormy. Which leaves me at a loss.

My Vegas trip from two weekends ago was mostly good for private time with my girls. What I wasn’t anticipating was how weird everyone has been in some form or another. There were hives and tears and confessions and laughter and drunkenness that lead to places I could have packed luggage for. And most of the turmoil was inner. I had a moment when out to dinner when I just wanted to be anywhere other than where I was, to throw my glass against a wall and storm out to cry alone. I don’t think I have felt that drained and raw in so long. Much worse than anything post college. But I pushed through and managed to get myself under control.

Then my sister and mom came to visit which was nice but bittersweet and left me feeling as selfish as could be. There is something about a four year old you have never met giving you love and tears and attention that can make you feel like the biggest heel to have ever lived. So I wonder if I am not a good person for making more of an effort but I also have never been met half way on the subject so I am even more at a loss.

I just feel like I have been falling flat as of late. As a friend to those who are in need, as a son and brother to those who want me, as a person of interest in the romantic sense. It’s just so draining to feel as if I am so lost. I dream of fog and shadows and running through them calling out for something unknown.

I know I am being too hard on myself but I can’t seem to stop at the moment.