Saga of Seattle

Boys Make My Palms Sweat

So it was the final morning with Johnno—a Christmas gift of sorts—but we still had to wait and see if the infamous gift would make an appearance. I spent the morning repacking our suitcase-aka Big Red- before Johnno even had a chance to shower I was so eager to get on with the next leg of the journey.

Eventually Siobhan arrived with her oldest son, back from his father’s house, and all was left to do was wait for the parents to arrive. I spent my time preparing snacks for the gift exchange to come since I didn’t want any excuses for us to have to stay and linger. Johnno kept an eye on me as I bustled around the house and prepared everything to hit the ground running.

His mom and dad finally showed up with gifts in hand and we sat down for the gift exchange. I sat as far away from the family scene as much as possible and waited to see how things would play out. Turns out having a grandson to open tons of gifts means that the focus is strictly on him and Johnno and I were able to exchange our final gifts with little to no fanfare. I was also touched when Siobhan gave me a gift herself and felt guilty that I didn’t have one for her.

But instead, I decided to help her out by setting up her son’s new television and Play Station 3 while the family swapped gifts between the older kids. While I was trying to make the wires work, Johnno was handed to wrapped gifts and told they were calendars—one for him and one for ‘someone else’. The gift fiasco avoided, I spent my time watching video games in the boys’ bedroom while the family hung out in the living room.

It worked out well.

Then it was time for Johnno and I to be dropped off at the Seattle ferry to meet up with his friends in the city. I was a bit sad to say good bye to Siobhan—she was really amazing and reminded me so much of my mother and brother combined that I was a bit nostalgic for my own family. But after a quick hug—which surprised us both—Johnno and I were off with the parents. As I watched the woods fade away, I held Johnno’s hand and felt myself start to relax as his mother tried to convince me that I should love the Pacific Northwest. She was very subtle about her intentions there.

But eventually it was time for the final good bye and I managed to hug Johnno’s mom and shake his father’s hand instead of riding Big Red down the gangplank to the ferry. In the end, it could have been better and less confusing but we survived as a couple and it did make us stronger. Plus now—the first visit is out of the way.

I spent the ferry ride just feeling all the tension starting to drift away as Johnno made small talk. I could tell he was eager for me to meet the boys, Pikachu and Jonathan, which made me a bit nervous but in a different way. Because the truth is, I usually don’t make friends with other gay guys easily. I’m not sure what that is about but I knew I would be trying really hard since I knew how important they were to him.

Plus he has had to deal with my friends for 11 months now.

There was two other things that put me off about meeting the boys; one is that Johnno, Pikachu and Jonathan have a podcast they do once a week and I had been talked about on the show multiple times which was akin to being on a reality show and meeting the staff at the wrap party. They know all about you but you don’t have any idea who they are.

The other part was that Pikachu and Johnno had dated years ago. It wasn’t a grand love affair by all accounts but between meeting him and Brad—I had spent a notable amount of time with boys who had seen my boyfriend naked. And while I like to think I am not competitive—broomball and ex boyfriends bring it out in me. Which I think amuses Johnno but I also think that is because he won’t ever really meet any of mine. Exes, in my life, tend to be like fashion trends—you did them and groan a little when you see pictures of yourself with them.

That aside, I was more than ready to drink, hold hands, and kiss with Johnno away from his parents and their prying eyes. Pikachu met us at the ferry and we were off to Capital Hill—aka Boys Town. I sat in the backseat of the car as Johnno and Pikachu caught up during the drive through the city—I could feel myself nervous and tired but ready to just sit on a couch and just observe for a bit.

We arrived at the boys’ apartment—which was cute and very West Hollywood like—were Jonathan was busy cooking Christmas dinner for us. The place had a fun kitschy feel to it—with S&M reindeer, tasteful nude artwork and garish Santas sprinkled through out—and I was quickly had a drink made of Crown Royal and cider to wash away the cold. I was amused as I watched Jonathan and Pikachu bicker over dinner as Johnno which made himself home by breaking out the Wii.

The boys and I bowled while Jonathan made like a housewife with the food prep in between bouts of showing off his various china and flatware collections. I could see why Johnno had liked Pikachu but could also see how Jonathan and Pikachu made more sense as a couple. They were very amusing in their ‘Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?’ relationship.

Dinner ended up being delicious and served up on tv trays with the best china while we watched ‘French Cooking’ with Julia Child. It was kind of like being in Brini Maxwell show—goofy and witty with plenty of drinks and laughter to be had. After awhile, I began to cut back on the drinks, I just couldn’t keep up as the boys continued with shots and beer and wine. It was very much an adult gay boy’s night in.

But Johnno was eager to show me all his former bars and haunts so after dinner we put Pikachu to bed—he had to work the next day—while me and the two J’s ended out into Boys Town. I was a bit worried that I wasn’t dressed for a night out, I can be very LA without meaning too, and I don’t really hang out in Boys Town type place very often. But heading out with two eager and buzzed boys makes it easy to be relaxed and I couldn’t help but feeling like showing off a little bit as I held Johnno’s hand.

The first bar he took me too was kind of a bear bar but with out all the leather and sneers—the novelty of the place was the way they made their drinks. Johnno had warned me that the drinks were made for ‘big boys’ but I kind of laughed off the description. But I was wrong—the drinks were thick and strong and made me gald I had slowed down hours before.

(If you want to know how strong—grab the largest glass in your house, pour 80 percent vodka, a big handful of ice, then garnish with tonic. Seriously people—how was that legal?)

Afterwards we continued our way down the strip, stopping in all the various bars on the way. There was the average ‘just hang out with pop music and pool tables’ bar, the pretentious hipster bar which more LA than ANY bar I had been in, then the weird hybrid bar with bears and daddies and a pop dance floor. It was funny to hear Jonathan’s descriptions of every bar cause he hated them but Johnno would then defend them while I would just hang behind and hold his hand with one and my drink with another.

It was a good time and nice to be in the gay environment after all the family time.

Eventually we headed back up the hill with both J’s buzzed while I shivered in my non winter coat. But Pikachu had made up the bed for us and I gladly tumbled into the warm sheets. Even if I had to wait for Johnno to pull himself together post all the cocktails.

But that night I spent while in his arms and was happy that I made the trip. This is one of few moments.

Saga of Seattle

Ladies Night
So after a slow start—both Jonathan and Johnno were a bit hung over—it was decided that we should head out on to the second street of Boys Town for brunch. Johnno was eager to show me one of his favorite bistros in the city as well as by tickets for a show at the club he used to work at back in the day.

See, Johnno had been a part of a popular Seattle drag show and wanted to hit the show while in town. It helped that his friend Loretta was making her last performance with the club and he wanted to be there to say good bye to her character ‘Tammy Whynot’. Johnno pointed out all the places he used to go for drinks and dinner, porn and groceries, old gyms and apartment buildings. I felt like I was learning more about him but with Jonathan’s snarky commentary track. It was fun.

Eventually we ended up at the brunch spot and Johnno did not lie. It was exactly like Stevie Nick’s closet but with food served instead. I was a bit freaked out—there were tables in closets with curtains that close, candles close to velvet drapes, and funky mismatched lamps, chandeliers and various other light sources.

(Seriously, grab some scarves, go in your bathroom and throw them up in the air. Then bring in three small tables—one for the tub, on at the sink and one that can fit in the cupboard under the sink and you will have the same effect.)

But the food was amazing and probably the best meal I had in a long time. We spent our time lingering over drinks and conversation as we debated our plans for later. Pikachu would not be able to joins us for the drag show but we planned on heading back to the big boy bar from the night before for drinks with him and Loretta post show then an early bed time. It promised to be an early night.

I was wrong.

Jonathan decided that we need to hit a thrift store on the way back to disco nap. Is there anything gayer? But I had fun as we made our way through racks of polyester blends, Precious moments figurines and oversized cat art for the walls but Johnno decided we needed to counter balance this with a stop at the local leather shop. It was fun to play around in Boys town and is something I think I should do more of. Either in LA or San Francisco or maybe another trip to Seattle.

Then it was nap time. The boys slept off the remainders of their hangovers while repacked the suitcase again—I wanted to be ready to get out of town by 6am the next morning. But I managed to get some sleep before Jonathan woke us up for a dinner of pork chops and wine on grandmother china. I was worried about what to wear out again but figured being dressed up would be nice for the ‘ladies’ we were about to see.

Eventually we made our way out into the cold and made the trek down to the club for the show. I planned to make sure I drank enough to warm up—a decision made possible by shots post dinner proceeded by glasses of wine. I should know better.

Now the show was amazing. I will admit I have never seen a live drag act and demanded we sit in the back of the show so as to not be ‘sang’ to or dragged up on stage in any way shape or form. But the costumes were amazing between the Brittney, the Gwen Stefani and the Liza—I was very impressed by the whole theatrics of it and could see why Johnno really missed the drag scene. I just wish the MC had been better—I don’t care if she was on ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ because it was obvious why she didn’t win! But seeing Loretta doing the show was hysterical as the only really ‘lady’ of the show and I was excited to meet such a larger than life performance.

After the show wrapped up, the boys and I waited for Loretta to be done with her part of the MC responsibilities so we could get a move on to the next bar. Jonathan called Pikachu and told him the game plan as I once again felt cold and in need of some booze to warm me up. It was decided we should head off ahead while Loretta got out of her stage clothes and grab a table and some drinks.

This would be my downfall.

I don’t remember much of what happened after my first vodka tonic—I know that Loretta showed up and we made jokes about everything from bad drag, to being the ‘big’ girl at the bar, and all the way to Carol Channing impressions before Pikachu showed up and bought us all another round of drinks. I know that I had a good time making jokes and laughing with Johnno’s friends—I felt like he must with the LA gang when it comes to seeing and getting to know the people who love your boyfriend. It fleshes out your view of who you’re dating and what’s important to them.

In this cause-it was drinking.

I do remember that I was somehow convinced to buy another round of drinks at closing because I figured it would help me get some deep sleep in the four hours between then and our flight back to LA. We were almost chased out of the bar except for Johnno charming the bartender while I slammed my drink so we could be ready to go. The last thing I remember at the bar was Loretta making new friends with a group of Latina drag queens and posing in their pictures—just because.

The fact that I even remember saying good to Loretta in the parking lot and then the long walk back home is a testament to my memory more than anything. The boys all talked amongst themselves as I tried to keep myself together enough to not freeze to death—the Russians had tricked me into thinking vodka would keep me warm. Damn them.

But soon enough we were back at the boys’ place and into the warmth. They all made conversations and said good byes while I spent my time getting ‘things under control’. But I did still manage to repack Big Red one more time before passing out alone in bed. I was done with Seattle and ready to be home. It was a great trip and I was glad that I survived it. I’m just surprised I got sick to my stomach with his friends and not his family.

I’m joking. I would do it again.

Gift of the Magi?

I'm terrified. Johnno is alseep in bed behind me; it has been a long night of Griffith Park Lights, packing for Seattle, and preparing for our Chirstmas tomorrow morning. I am tired and should be sleeping but can't.

See we are exchanging gifts tomorrow.

This scares the crap out of me. I don't like presents, not because I don't want anything but because it means so much. I am worried that what I am giving is not enough. I don't know if it is normal but I have a irrational fear of gifts. Always have, always will.

Because on some level I believe a gift says so much. Not about your feelings for the person (or them to you) but about how you see that person. Whether it is a cute piece of clothing or paperback novel, music that you think they will like or some off beat item you stumbled across--it on some level shows what you think of the person, what you think matters to them, what you believe they value.

And I am not sure that I am giving the right things to Johnno. Things that show how much I love him, how I need him in my life, or how much he has changed mine. I know that he loves me and I love him but I can't help but wonder if he'll see that in the things I managed to choke into boxes and wrapping paper. I hope that it is--on some level--enough.

Lines In The Sand

So Johnno's mother sent him an email asking what type of gift I would like for Christmas. He forwarded it on to me and I sent back a quick reply--but not before I struggled with my own urge to email her myself.

I want nothing.

This upcoming week to Seattle is going to be diffcult for me. I plan on being cold, I expect to be awkward and will be doing my best to try and keep myself polite, civil and fair. This trip not only plays into my uncomfortabilty of being around parents and families in general but also to my abilty to keep up a good poker face.

But the truth is I don't want to.

The problem is that Johnno's parents have been sending him mixed messages about the 'gay thing' and, by default, our relationship. Between being sent off to stay at his sister's house (Instead of the parents' home), the debacle of the air matress (His parents planned on only providing twin mattress for us to be sure we slept in different areas), and his parents' inabilty to tell Johnno themselves but rather using his sister to text or call about these developments--I have been trying to prepare myself for an unfriendly environment.

This isn't to say his parents will be rude--I met them back over the summer and they were kind and nice to my face--but I am really bothered by their stance on us as a couple. And it became worse when I found out his father told Johnno the following

"I am glad that you are happy but we cannot be happy for you in this..."

In other words, his parents have said that it is great that Johnno is happy but not great that he is happy because of his relationship with another man. It is not about me personally but about their inabilty to accept that Johnno is gay. Something they have know about for about ten years and have struggled with. And I know it is not my place to start anything or make a scene--I am doing this trip for Johnno, to see Seattle, to meet his sister and various friends, to go to the places he loves and be apart of something that is such a huge part of his past.

But I do have a line in the sand

I have decided that I will not be accepting any gift from his parents. The idea of them giving me a Chirstmas present when I know that they wish I did not exist in their son's life is just something I cannot bring myself to do. If Johnno and his parents want to dance around issues then it is their right but I cannot allow myself to be willingly dragged into the fray. To accept the gift is accepting a part in the farce--it is the ultimate WASP powerplay to try and cover about guilt or discomfort with material things. I grew up with that shite.

But the few people I have explained my stance to have said that I am not being fair. That I will be making things awkward, I will put pressure on both Johnno and his parents, that I will appear ungrateful. It's not like I plan to stand up, damn the gift to Hell, and then toss it directly into the nearest fireplace--I plan on discretely rejecting the gift, or more likely, giving it to Johnno to open and take for his own. I don't think I am being unfair--Johnno knows and understand how I feel about this subject.

I just feel like I have struggled enough with polite "acceptance" in my life--the fact is Johnno's parents' don't respect or accept their son being gay which means that they don't respect of accept me either. And while they are entitled to their beliefs, I am also equally entitled to mine. I don't want shite from people who don't respect, care or understand me. I think that is fair.

And as it is, I will be biting my tongue for most of the trip. It is very hard to see Johnno be hurt by his parents' careless and ceaseless disapproval. He is an amzing guy--sweet and funny, laid back and outgoing, someone who most people like and love. To see him so casually hurt by his family is hard enough for me to swallow and to ask me to swallow fake generiousity is just too much to ask.

I like presents but not at that pricetag.

OCD aka Outside Cigarette Distraction

So this weekend was Ali and Robin's 10th annual Holiday party. It is part of the (for me) Holy Trinity of Los Angeles parties between Detriot Street Hollywood and Super House Super Bowl and is on my must list of places to go. Between the copious amount of food, the traveling bottle of tequila, pantless madness and everyone in one place at one time--it is not to be missed.

And yet every year I struggle a bit at this party. It feels like everyone I know in Los Angeles is in one room and there isn't enough of me to go around so instead of making the best of it--I tend to float around like some drunken butterfly. There's Ali's friend from the law office, there's the couples with children who I rarely see, there's the people who work long hours and i haven't seen in months, there's the new boyfriends and girls. It's a lot to take in so instaed I end up with conversation at the bar, a quick picture in the hallway by the bathroom, a stolen moment on the couch then I get up and start all over--ending up usually hidden in a corner by myself before I push my way outside.

See, I like to imagine that I am a social person, someone who can balance a cocktail and conversation, but at the end of the day I tend to find myself needing time away from the action in order to process all the stimulation. I honestly believe this is why I smoke like I do, so that I can discretely make an exit from the pressures of trying to balance a million relationships at once. To take in the air and the silence of myself and allow for an moment of respite.

I don't know if this bothers people.

Of course, the best thing about this year was having Johnno with me. There is something relazing about being part of a couple that allows for him to pick up some of my social slacking--Rory and Johnno are a unit of sorts and so as long as you get one it feels like you got both. He makes plans for us or tells stories about the things we do to the people we know and it feels as if he is catching up the room about us.

That said--I wish I knew a better way to handle myself and the stress. It's not fun to feel like I am doing people wrong or not being a good guest. But it is what it is I guess.

Le sigh

Welcome to Hollywood-What's Your Dream?

So Rosemary's trip has come to an end. We did a lot of stuff with her; lunch down by the beach and a stroll on Santa Monica Pier then dinner in Burbank while we ran party errands, then the girls and I took her to the Standard on Sunset and dancing in West Hollywood, Kelly and Valeska took her to a film premier of one of our friend's films and we all partied at Ali and Robin's on Saturday, Sunday Edie, Johnno and I took her down to Hollywood and Highland to find t-shirts for her foster daughter before driving her around Beverly Hills and even found her a celeb sighting at dinner. We finished off the trip with one last big hang out with Dominic, Johnny, Kelly, Valeska, Ali, Robin, Edie, Johnno and I at Kelly and Johnny's new house.

It was very packed and a good time.

The hardest part of trips like this is how it can sometimes make Los Angeles seem like one non-stop adventure. It looks likes bars and cute outfits, small talks in kitchens and walkable friends, late nights with all your friends and small brunches over which we rehash all the gossip. It's a million people with a million new places that can look like an everday occurance. It's not.

But when someone comes from far away, like Rosemary, who doesn't have the same support system or advanatges it can be very depressing. We're, for all of our drama and silliness, very lucky to have the friendships and closeness we experience here in Los Angeles. It can sometimes being overwhelming to all of us; it can feel like you're alway on the go and that it's nonstop.

And it is true.

I just feel bad because I feel so blessed to have the life I do. I feel guilty when someone, anyone, comes from out of town and sees how much we have. It is so easy to take for granted the nights of coffee, daytrips to the mall, that there is always someone close to call out to when you need it or be there in a jiffy. But it is also easy to glaze over the negative of the lifestyle we have. That we can be too close sometimes for our own good, that being ina group this huge forces people to not speak their minds sometimes and can feel like work when it comes to the social world.

But at the end of the day, it is so much more than what some people have. I hope that this visit pushed Rosmeary not to move to Los Angeles but to realize that she not only has good friends here but that she can make changes to get a more rounded life for herself. It was very hard to see how moved she was by what we have and to see her feel like she had so little. I wanted her to realzie that not only is what the group has unique but also that comes with its own pitfalls and price.

And while I would love if she could move out here and become a part of the Los Angeles group--she still has a place in it regardless. I want her to see that she can also make the steps to create her own verison of what we have here for herself. I know that she can be the girl is sings out loud with stereo to Lady Gaga, can find cute tops at Forever 21 if she wants, that people do like her and she can form new friendships like she did with Johnno and Valeska and that she has the abilty to be and do anything regardless of where she is.

If she did decide to move here, I hope she also saw how the social structure works. That while we have nights out and parties, it is also about the small moments that make up our lives. It is as much about grocery stores as it is drinks and traffic as much as it is shopping sprees. That we aren't perfect because we're all here together--it is still just as much work as anywhere else

But most of all? I guess what I am saying is that I hope that Rosemary had fun.

Life Has Been Busy

Sorry I haven't updated much in the last few days. That being said, I will catch up shortly with blogs about Ali and Robin's holiday party, JJ's holiday dinner, Rosemary's visit as well as the coutdown to Seattle. I just need to make a night to sit down.

It's all coming soon though. Promise

Quote of the Day

From Johnny

"Please don't kill "her"... I just bought her roses."

Thanks for making me smile--I really needed that.

Something Interesting


When Same-Sex Marriage Was a Christian Rite
By ThosPayne

A Kiev art museum contains a curious icon from St. Catherine's Monastery on Mt. Sinai in Israel. It shows two robed Christian saints. Between them is a traditional Roman ‘pronubus’ (a best man), overseeing a wedding. The pronubus is Christ. The married couple are both men.

Is the icon suggesting that a gay "wedding" is being sanctified by Christ himself? The idea seems shocking. But the full answer comes from other early Christian sources about the two men featured in the icon, St. Sergius and St. Bacchus, two Roman soldiers who were Christian martyrs. These two officers in the Roman army incurred the anger of Emperor Maximian when they were exposed as ‘secret Christians’ by refusing to enter a pagan temple. Both were sent to Syria circa 303 CE where Bacchus is thought to have died while being flogged. Sergius survived torture but was later beheaded. Legend says that Bacchus appeared to the dying Sergius as an angel, telling him to be brave because they would soon be reunited in heaven.

While the pairing of saints, particularly in the early Christian church, was not unusual, the association of these two men was regarded as particularly intimate. Severus, the Patriarch of Antioch (AD 512 - 518) explained that, "we should not separate in speech they [Sergius and Bacchus] who were joined in life". This is not a case of simple "adelphopoiia." In the definitive 10th century account of their lives, St. Sergius is openly celebrated as the "sweet companion and lover" of St. Bacchus. Sergius and Bacchus's close relationship has led many modern scholars to believe they were lovers. But the most compelling evidence for this view is that the oldest text of their martyrology, written in New Testament Greek describes them as "erastai,” or "lovers". In other words, they were a male homosexual couple. Their orientation and relationship was not only acknowledged, but it was fully accepted and celebrated by the early Christian church, which was far more tolerant than it is today.

Contrary to myth, Christianity's concept of marriage has not been set in stone since the days of Christ, but has constantly evolved as a concept and ritual.

Prof. John Boswell, the late Chairman of Yale University’s history department, discovered that in addition to heterosexual marriage ceremonies in ancient Christian church liturgical documents, there were also ceremonies called the "Office of Same-Sex Union" (10th and 11th century), and the "Order for Uniting Two Men" (11th and 12th century).

These church rites had all the symbols of a heterosexual marriage: the whole community gathered in a church, a blessing of the couple before the altar was conducted with their right hands joined, holy vows were exchanged, a priest officiatied in the taking of the Eucharist and a wedding feast for the guests was celebrated afterwards. These elements all appear in contemporary illustrations of the holy union of the Byzantine Warrior-Emperor, Basil the First (867-886 CE) and his companion John.

Such same gender Christian sanctified unions also took place in Ireland in the late 12thand/ early 13th century, as the chronicler Gerald of Wales (‘Geraldus Cambrensis’) recorded.

Same-sex unions in pre-modern Europe list in great detail some same gender ceremonies found in ancient church liturgical documents. One Greek 13th century rite, "Order for Solemn Same-Sex Union", invoked St. Serge and St. Bacchus, and called on God to "vouchsafe unto these, Thy servants [N and N], the grace to love one another and to abide without hate and not be the cause of scandal all the days of their lives, with the help of the Holy Mother of God, and all Thy saints". The ceremony concludes: "And they shall kiss the Holy Gospel and each other, and it shall be concluded".

Another 14th century Serbian Slavonic "Office of the Same Sex Union", uniting two men or two women, had the couple lay their right hands on the Gospel while having a crucifix placed in their left hands. After kissing the Gospel, the couple were then required to kiss each other, after which the priest, having raised up the Eucharist, would give them both communion.

Records of Christian same sex unions have been discovered in such diverse archives as those in the Vatican, in St. Petersburg, in Paris, in Istanbul and in the Sinai, covering a thousand-years from the 8th to the 18th century.

The Dominican missionary and Prior, Jacques Goar (1601-1653), includes such ceremonies in a printed collection of Greek Orthodox prayer books, “Euchologion Sive Rituale Graecorum Complectens Ritus Et Ordines Divinae Liturgiae” (Paris, 1667).

While homosexuality was technically illegal from late Roman times, homophobic writings didn’t appear in Western Europe until the late 14th century. Even then, church-consecrated same sex unions continued to take place.

At St. John Lateran in Rome (traditionally the Pope's parish church) in 1578, as many as thirteen same-gender couples were joined during a high Mass and with the cooperation of the Vatican clergy, "taking communion together, using the same nuptial Scripture, after which they slept and ate together" according to a contemporary report. Another woman to woman union is recorded in Dalmatia in the 18th century.

Prof. Boswell's academic study is so well researched and documented that it poses fundamental questions for both modern church leaders and heterosexual Christians about their own modern attitudes towards homosexuality.

For the Church to ignore the evidence in its own archives would be cowardly and deceptive. The evidence convincingly shows that what the modern church claims has always been its unchanging attitude towards homosexuality is, in fact, nothing of the sort.

It proves that for the last two millennia, in parish churches and cathedrals throughout Christendom, from Ireland to Istanbul and even in the heart of Rome itself, homosexual relationships were accepted as valid expressions of a God-given love and committment to another person, a love that could be celebrated, honored and blessed, through the Eucharist in the name of, and in the presence of, Jesus Christ.

So It Begins

Tonight my friend Rosemary arrives in town, tomorrow is when Edie arrives. it is going to be a nonstop whirl of cookies, partys, bars, Jewish dinner and late night dancing. Things will be crazy, there will be pictures and outfits, gifts and hugs, money spent and money gained.

This is my favorite time of the year when we all put a little more effort into our friendships. I don't think it is about gifts or scoring invites but rather we all know that we are making memories for when we are older. We'll remember roaming bottles of tequila, first Christmas kisses under mistletoe, the random cards from friends and those weird moments when you get sentimental over food prep and late night couch sessions.

It is the perfect distraction from things to come.

Scenes from a Relationship

The boyfriend wants us to go and buy a Christmas decoration to celebrate our frist holiday together. It is so weird when things like this happen to me because on one hand they are as romantic as well but on the other they can feel abit much. Not silly or over the top but just kind of like 'whoa'.

I personally want to buy two ornaments--one for us to keep for ourself and his wall tree but another to give to his parents to make things more awkward. I know I shouldn't want to play into this type of game but his parents are driving me nuts with their mixed messages. Not to me--but to their son.

And what is so weird about this and makes me so on edge is that Johnno is a great son. He calls his family at least once a week, he is polite and thanks them for things, he always wants to go and visit to make time for them. And yet...suddenly both his parents have made rumbings about how they "are happy for him but can't be apart of 'this' part of his life" What?

I have always been honest about my parents and the faults in our relationship but they have never attempted to play that card with me. I can be spoiled, I can be aloof, I can be demanding and unforgiving at points but I have never been treated in such a way. It makes me angry at his parents because I see how they are hurting someone is such a sweet, laid back and respectful person. He's the type of son my parents would love and the type of guy most people would want in their life. And I struggle with this situation because I don't believe you can love someone and not rspect them, you can't pick and choose what you value in a person and make that their only value.

You love people despite their flaws, you value people because of the efforts they make to be better people and you can only have real relationship in which respect is the basis of the dialouge. Anything else is a fools' game.

Yet I know I have to hold my tongue. The truth is, if things stay the way they have been going, I will outlast his parents in Johnno's life. I will be there for him and make him happy and at the end of the day that makes us both winners. And buying an ornament together is just another symbol of who we are and want to be for each other.

But I still plan on giving one of those "Your name here" ornaments you can buy at the mall. Just because it will keep me for saying anything-pictures being worth a thousand words.

Why You Got to Make Things Complicated?

I hate those moments when you are planning to hang out with people for something, like a dinner, and it occurs to you to make plans to hang out the next day. Something like this--you and Jane are having dinner with Scott, Chris, Mandy, Erika and you and Jane decide that you should totally go ice skating the next day with everyone but you don't have time to send an invite or email to everyone else though you plan to suggest it at your dinner.

But then you get an email from Scott (for example) saying that he wants Chris, Mandy, Erika, Jane and you to go skating later that weekend. Now the truth is you are already planning on going skating that weekend but you can't say 'Oh hey, Jane and I were planning on going skating so you guys should come' because it looks like you and Jane were sneaking off to go skating yourself and are now only including them by default. That's not what really happened but that is how it will look to people you haven't already talked to.

It sets up an idea that there is a ranking order to friends and who gets to do what when that wasn't really the point. So then you either say nothing and go along with Scott's plan or you still do what you want and rsik him thinking he wasn't included.

I hate when tenitive plans become about who was and wasn' included in the planning. It makes things seem more like a popularity contest then they are. I'm not sure if this makes sense but I can't help but feel bad in these type of catch 22.

Of course I could be overthinking things.

Yes Please

Dallas Moves Along
Filed under: TV News



Will they do it?

Patrick Duffy, Larry Hagman and Linda Gray have all been approached to reprise their roles on the remake of Dallas that is set to air on TNT, but there is no word yet on whether they will accept.

The story line hasn't been discussed at great length, but supposedly the initial idea was to have the series center on J.R. and Sue Ellen's son John Ross and Bobby and Pam's adopted son Christopher.

The network has decided to wait and see what newly hired screenwriter Cynthia Cidre comes up with for the show.

Do you want to see Bobby, J.R. and Sue Ellen return to your TV?

From perez hilton

All It Takes

All it takes is a couple days of off diet food choices--nothing major, not fully done, not on purpose--to leave you feeling like a big fattie. I know that the diet makes a difference and I have been doing well with getting back on a workout routine but between pub crawls, drinks without enough in the stomache and a late night and I just feel so wasteful and icky.

And I have a friend coming from out of town and a big party or two coming up which makes me even more hyper aware.

I know I can get back on track but I want results now.

But I know it doesn't work that way.

Moving Forward But Still A Bit Awkward

I love those moments in a new friendship--when you realize that you actually really like the company of someone and want to be more a part of their life. The type of person with whom you have an easy dynamic, instant connection and novel conversation--someone who just stumbles into your life and yet manages to fit in a such quick and easy manner. But there is always that little dance...

I think everyone at some point has had that person who 'wants to be your friend'. It's not obvious why but this person has taken a shine to you--a co-worker or friend's new relationship, a neighbor or even a good friend's outside friend--and all they want is to find a way to be buddies. It can get creepy when someone tries to force a relationship on you and can make you feel awkward and want to avoid that person. And most people feel slightly guilty about this, no one wants to be unliked but it can quickly turn from 'let's give it a shot' to 'please lose my email address, stay of my facebook page, don't text me at all'.

So when it comes to making a new friendship, I tend to be tenative because I don't want to risk coming off as one of those people. I try to take my cues from the other person; hug for hug, email for email, text for text. It is almost like a courting ritual in that it feels like there are so many steps.

And even with all of that--it is still nice to meet a new friend

Damned if You Do

So I have gotten myself in a slightly sticky situtation as of late. In short, I opened my mouth about something when I didn't have the full story and half opened a can of worms. I now know the full monty and have to try and figure out how to fix things without making anything worse.

And I hate when I do this.

If there is one sin I am completely and regularly guilty of is overstepping my bounds. I try to be a mediator when it comes to my group of friends to prevent drama and miscomunication but sometimes that has the opposite effect. I hate when I do this--get involved to help but make the situation more murky than it needed to be.

LE sigh

Now I am off to send an email and clean up my mess before it becomes someelse's mess.

Deal Breaker

I hate hwne I do this. When I make a deal with someone that is a positive and good thing then turn around and break the deal with ease. It's not anything bad, as a matter of fact it is good, but I know that I have to hold myself back from here on out.

I spent this morning with Kelly shopping for Black Friday. We hit the mall in Northridge to try and score some gifts for the various people on our lists. This isn't a bad thing but I did something I promised I wouldn't.

A while back I made a promise to Johnno that neither of us would break a spending cap of seventy five dollars on each other. i did this because I hate that awkwardness that can come from either being too generous or not generous enough. I find gift giving hard and even more so with someone I am dating. There is always a temptation to go out and get everything I think their heart desires meanwhile I end up with very little. Which is fine.

I'm not greedy

But it makes things weird because the person who is spoiled ends up feeling guilty about not doing enough. This can throw off the balance of the gift exchange and can make one person feel badly--whether for flaunting their money or not having enough to give the other person. So I made the deal to avoid that.

I also broke the spending cap about 25 minutes into shopping with Kelly. I feel bad about it and while I know he will love everythng I have for him it is still not okay.

At least his birthday falls right after Christmas. I can split up the gifts then!

What I am thankful for...

I didn't get a chance to say what I was thankful for this year at dinner. Johnno and I had dinner at Johnno and Kelly's new house along with Dominic. Johnny's dad came up from the OC and joined us for the meal and I was a bit off when it came time to list off what I was thankful for.

I always have a fear when it comes to people's parents, one that makes me hold back and bite my tongue in more ways than normal. I worry that i will be the bad friend, the bad influence, the one that makes people's parents worry about their adult children. I smoke, I curse, I'm gay and I can be quite cutting without meaing too. So when it came time to say what I was really happy about in the past year I didn't say much. And I kind of regret it.... So i decided to bring my list here...

1) I am thankful Kelly and Johnno found the perfect house to rent. They needed the space not only for their belonging but because they are social and like to host things and I think Kelly really missed out on being able to do that.

2) I am grateful that Kirby is working so much. For son long I know she worried about what she was doing in Los Angeles and I think working, and being good at it, has helped her so much.

3) Even with the Tranny Tree, I am still very thankful that Lola is apart of the Dollhouse. She is fun and maddening and we have such a great vibe so much of the time that it makes me happy to be home and not go out. It's nice.

4) That I will have both Edie and Valeska in town together for the foreseeable future. As much as it is not ideal for them, I am greedy in that I like the idea of my girlfriends being home here in LA.

5) I am grateful that I have been able to show Sabine, through actions and deeds, how much I value her place in my life. Things have been crazy and we haven't always seen each other much but when we do we have real moments.

6) I am thankful for how much Ali and mine's friendship has grown in the past two years. We were always friends but i feel like we turned some corner and became close and more real with each other. I like it.

7) I am happy that Nolan has a girlfriend who makes him so happy. Sometimes I wish I saw him more but I know that he is out there and is in love with someone who is constantly amazed and amazing.

8) That my brother has finally started to make steps to fix his relationships within my family. He is growing up and learning how and where the past fit and making an effort to make things better than they have been. It's very surreal but very touching.

9) I am grateful that Dominic respects our friendship enough to be open and honest with me. I have always known he has more going on then he allows to be known but to realize that he values our dymanic so much makes me feel honored.

10) I am most thankful that I took a chance and followed through on trying to date and how it lead me to Johnno. I am in love with someone who is so wonderful and giving and charming and funny and a million other things I never thought I would have. He has made the past year so much more than it could have been.

Thanksgiving Curse

So this past week I had kidney pains--nothing bone crunching or truly painful but, like a worked muscle, I was suddenly just really aware of them. And, in a moment of foolishness, I decided to take a look on-line and see what it could mean.

This is a bad idea wrapped in bad idea jeans with a lit cigarette and a bottle of Aqua Net. Just saying.

Needless to say, the next day I made my way to a clinic in Hollywood to try and get to the bottom of things. After you read words like 'failure' you tend to get on board with a doctor visit real quick. And going to a new doctor is terrible and makes me nervous and all I could think about was the Thanksgiving Curse.

Almost 6 years ago, I was horribly sick a few days before the holiday, so much so that I could barely walk. My friend Charity had to take me to the ER because I could not get up off my couch I was in such pain. I mean, I cried in public ALOT and this is not who I choose to be. The doctors were never fully sure what I had outside of an infect that caused swelling that pushed against my spinal cord. A few days with drugs, no sugar, no alcohol, no coffee and I was close to being upwardly mobile.

And I ended up fine.

But every year since then something seems to happen badly on Thanksgiving-if not to me then people I love. It is enough to make me dread the last few days leading up to the holdiay and makes me super sensativbe to anything that happens in the last few days of November.

So I was dreading the doctor visit and was afraid something terrible might happen. Instead, it turns out I was fine and the doctor was great and all I needed was to work on my water intake and just be aware if it continues for the next few days. The pain has gone away already and I feel like a million dollars. The curse is broken!

Except for the fact that I have to cook for the actual day. Here's hoping there is no black potatoes this year like 7 years ago. Because that would be a fitting way for fate to reassert the curse

Top Ten Things

I know lists are a cop out but it is what I am feeling.I have been thinking a lot about what I think is sexy, clever and cute when it comes to guys--I blame it on working on the novel and the teenage view of crushing

1) Flip flops with jeans and long sleeve shirts. There is something that screams casual and free wheeling when a guy pulls himself together but keeps the playful footwear.

2) Glasses. It is probably the pseudo intellect but I love a guy in glasses. I was heartbroken as a child that I could not wear them.

3) Shaggy hair. There is something charming and careless abot a guy with shaggy hair. He isn't trying too hard and yet it is still kind of styled and whimsical.

4) A bit of fat. A guy who works out too much freaks me out. Abs are great and arms can been hot but when a guy looks like he needs the gym everyday then I wonder when he would have time for me.

5) Guys with babies. There is something so manly and yet sensative about a guy with a baby in his arms. It also means, usually, that he can have a funcitional relationship long enough to get a child and has no comittment issues.

6) Reading on the subway. I like anyone who really loves to read and there is something really attractive about a guy who uses his time well and loves the written word. It is very East Coast college.

7) Guys who know how to dance. Anyone who can move and feel the music without feeling awkward or weird is someone I admire. I'm not the best at that myself so I find it a turn on.

8) Artists who work in public. There is something about a guy at a cafe table working on a sketch, at a park scribbling in a journal, painting with the door open in his apartment. Someone who has is drawn to art is someone who has something to share.

9) Ties for no reason. I like a guy who wears a tie for no reason because it says something about how polished he is for his own reasons. It is sexy to see that dashing look without being at an office or an wedding.

10) Guys who hold hands. Something about being comfortable in their relationship is put out to the world when they do that. Like they want the entire world to know they are in love.

I am curious about other people's lists. What works for you?

A Sample

Lucy did this on her blog and I thought it wa a great idea. This is just a small sample of my novel--the set up is that it is a young adult novel where Timothy (The lead character) has decided to stop taking crap for being gay and has a showdown with one of the high school jocks.

Jasper pulled again on Timothy’s arm. “Let’s go,” the British boy pleaded and Timothy let him lead as he stepped away from the jock.
“Fucking faggot freak.” Morgan’s voice was low but echoed across the hall. Timothy stopped dead in his track and the silent continued as he slowly turned back to the football player.
“That’s your one,” Timothy said simply and clearly. “And by the way-this,” Timothy said as he turned and pulled Jasper in by his shirt, “is what a faggot does.” The Asian boy was startled as Timothy leaned in and kissed him fully on the mouth. Timothy felt the other boy’s lips part in surprise and he could taste Chap Stick and cigarettes as he let the lip lock linger. Jasper didn’t fight him but instead leaned more into Timothy as the moment continued.
Abruptly Timothy pushed Jasper back and away as he turned back to Morgan. “Just so we’re clear here. Yeah I’m gay. Yeah I kiss boys. But,” Timothy said as he pointed a finger in Morgan’s face, “you don’t have a fucking thing to say about it.”

Sometimes The World Remind You

Sometimes the world reminds you that yuou are not that important and you hang ups are just placeholders for when real things happen to you and you love. I am going to try and take time today to enjoy the people I love and make time to enjoy being with them more than anything else.I don't want to assume that I will have time to make people feel how important they are in my life.

I plan on trying to show it today

Just A Quote to Keep in Mind

This is from an old college friend--he's a laywer.

"It would be a lousy world if the only people who were concerned about mistreatment or discrimination were the victims." -Barney Frank(D), Congressman, Massachusetts, 4th District

This is more than true and I wonder how many people realize that?

Own Your Sh*t

I haven't been really doing this as of late. I let myself get sucked into all the bad habits; not working out, letting the novel slide, not making enough effort with the people and things that matter. Part of me was chalking it up to not feeling well and being nervous about that.

But the truth is that it is rather easy to make excuses for letting things slide. That if I want the things I say i do then I have to really focus on them. Successful people do things--not make lists and hem and haw over them.

I have to own that I haven't been the best at that as of late. But here's hoping i can restart the fire and getting cracking with it. It's what i need to do now that i can do that.

This Song Feels Like Falling In Love

I know Lily Allen is not a must have for most people. But I love her music and this song in particular.

This is True Advice and I Need to Remeber it

You should be anxious and stressed out; it's appropriate to be anxious and stressed out. Your nervousness is prompting you to take things slowly and to be careful and conscientious


This should make me think twice before I go off the deep end and freak out over stress. I mean, it can be a good thing at points and forces me to focus and work on my stuff which can be very important.

At Least I Was First in the National Press

Here is an article that one of the roomies was quoted in. It is kind of silly and crazy but if you know us, it makes totally sense.

http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB125806880019446147-lMyQjAxMDI5NTE4MzAxNjM4Wj.html

I mean, I really hate this trend but i know that not only will she show up in these some day but it will possibly be my wedding, my birthday or some other moment guarenteed to make me roll my eyes.

I kind of think that is why we love each other.

In-Family Versus the World.

I wasn't sure I was going to write about this. I'm still not sure if I should and that doubt kept from blogging the last few nights. But I decided this is MY blog and I can say what I want to. And I feel like I have something I need to say.

My friends and I play play games with words, with jokes, with witty. We cut each other up sometimes, we point out flaws and foilbles, we sometimes push when really we should hug. There are in jokes that sometimes rub the wrong way, things that can go too far, and we don't know when to leave well enough alone. I am most definately guilty of opening my mouth and crossing lines without meaning to. But I always say I am sorry when it gets that far. And I try to learn to learn from my mistakes.

What I don't do is make statements to third parties that attack my friends. I know the difference between a fight in-familiy and something that can be shared with outsiders. I am careful--even here to try and not hurt or out people's feelings or flaws in a public space. (Yes there is an arguement for the fact that people who know me know who I am talking about. But by default that makes them in family.)

I was just so taken aback that someone would make not only a comment that could possibly be hurtful but took such joy in spreading that comment to our friends who would KNOW that it was aimed at me. It puts a bad taste in my mouth, makes me wonder how someone I care about could be so flip about my feelings.

And the thing is, the person in question will not even care that they hurt my feelings. So it is not worth my energy or time to even try and point out what they did.

Quote of the day

From Johnno regarding the random homeless man who stepped out in front of his car today.

"He may be laughing but at least I have a bed to sleep in tonight."

Touche baby

The End of Gypsies

So I have been feeling guilty. The boyfriend made an off hand comment a few weeks back about looking forward to getting his new bed. That wasn't the bad part, I am excited too, but the second part is what killed me. He said that he wouldn't have to be a gypsy anymore and lug over bags of stuff to stay at my place as much.

It made me feel bad.

Not because he meant it too; right now staying at my place allows for us to be able to sleep comfortably in a bed large enough for both of us. He only has a twin bed which can make for very restless sleep. I have, in a half daze, almost rolled off his bed face first into the floor a handful of times. I have had to try not to step on him climbing around the small bed. It takes effort.

But there is a part of me that worries that I have taken over his life. We hang with mostly my friends, we do the things that my group plans, we spend nights at my place, he has to drop me off at the end of the night. I hate feeling like the power in the relationship is mine--on some level--and that he feels a bit like I run the show. That's not what I want.

And I know that he didn't mean to upset me with the comment but I was. Not because it hurt me but because I know it is true. That he has to do so much of the 'heavy lifting' that I feel like I take advanatge of him by accident.

I feel like the tramp and the thief. Which, of course, makes him the gypsy.

This Is So True

http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/11/13/15-literary-characters-wed-totally-sleep-with

Without exception--I would hook up with each of these novel leads. Though my order would be different and Jay Gatsby would have to be number one and Logan would have to be number two.

And I would sleep with Holden just to make him cry afterwards when I say the sex was really bad and that he needs to get over himself

Everything is important

I had an epihany this past week in regards to my novel. I was struggling with making certain events big enough, worrying that the struggles and crosses my characters have to bear were not big enough. I was stopping and stalling because hings did not feel huge enough to be threats or challeneges to the people in more story. But then I remembered something important.

To teenagers EVERYTHING is important and world ENDING.

It's not their fault either. In high school, dances and friendships, popularity and gossip are important. Who says what, what they wore, how they saw it--these things are a matter of life and death. And even the ones who ignore it or don't by into the social mores are still fighting against those things--AGAINST EVERYTHING that shapes their world.

It takes the pressure off to know this.

Sometimes You Have to Wonder

So I talked to Samuel last night. We were on the phone for three hours, dancing from writing to television to boyfriends and family; we're both invested in our seperate happiness. It's weird because I have never had an ex that I am still so connected to but it is nice and novel. It feels right.

But as we were talking I was thinking about all the times it has come up, but not to my face, about how my friends talk to Johnno about Samuel. They're never directly rude, that I know of, but they constant imply that my relationship with Samuel was not a good one. In the sense of they just put up with me dating him and, by default, dealt with him only because of that. It makes me feel like a fool.

Not because I regret the relationship with Samuel; I don't. But it makes me wonder how honest my friends were about that relationship if all they have to say is such negative things about it and him. I can't help but wonder if they just went along with it because it was easier than pointing out there was a problem. And if that is what they were doing then it makes me wonder about what else they keep from saying to me.

I am more curious than worried, more bummed than angry about the situtation.

There is also a part of me that says that after any and all break ups--we all latch on to the negative things so that we can help our friends move on from heartbreak. That I am reading too much into the casual diss, the slight revisionist history that seems to have sprung up in the aftermath. It's easier than thinking that my friends would just sit by and watch me make a fool of myself.

Quote of the Day

The Lord wanted me to go back to bed so he filled my coffee shop with Gap sweatshirts and tennis shoes.


From Lucy regarding coffee shops, computers and college students

Cat On A Hot Tin Roof or FB Update

I have spent the day restless. I am sure it is being unemployed for such a long time, being tired from my weekend, feeling the weather and a bit overly stimulated but under challenged. Whatever the reason, I spent my day on edge, bored and looking for something to distract me.

Watching Gossip Girl did not help.

The truth is I have been feeling rather comfortable as of late--something that dulls my edges, makes me less interesting, doesn't allow for stories and experiences to draw on creatively. What I want is to be trouble for a bit.

And that is not a typo--I want to be trouble. I want to make out with my boyfriend against fences, dance around the Ganja house, go to a party and dance all night, wear great outfits in dive bars and end up in loft parties with spoken word and naked art. I want to feel like I have been expanded and bent and mended into something new. I want to feel something more.

And I am not sure where this feeling came from but it is not going anywhere yet!

Knick Knacks Or This Dog Doesn't Need a Bone

Today I was getting coffe, stumbling around the aprtment when I knocked a magnet off my fridge. It wasn't my magnet-it was one of the dolls-and as I put it up I wondered what it meant. I don't have magnets, I don't collect shot glasses, I only put up pictures of friends and family recently. I guess I'm not a sentimentalist.

I have been dealing a lot with knick knacks, bric a brac, souveniers lately. I have been helping the boyfriend redesign his apartment; moving around furniture, putting up shelves and mirrors, organizing things to prepare for his new bed. I spent all day Sunday putting away books and films, pictures and papers but I had the hardest time figuring out what to do with his momentos. I spent last Monday helping Kelly and Johnny move from their apartment into their house, struggling with boxes of letters and cards and handfuls of leis from concerts and novelty items and not getting it. Because I don't have those type of things.

Part of me wonders if this is weird. That outside of letters from college and college friends, a handful of stuffed animals from various family members and carnival fairways and old journals--I don't really keep much other stuff. Part of me doesn't like the clutter of greeting cards with just signatures or empty plastic cups from casinos or ticket stubs from concerts. Maybe it is because I try and write down all the important things here and in my other journals--that the emotions and memories, songs lyrics and quotes from friends, are all in one place with context attached.

I document my life this way because it feels easier to keep contained and understood. Even when things change and grow, when the plot twists and turns, I can look back and with in minutes understand and remember everything so clearly. That by choosing words and sentences with though and detail I can reenforce all the moments and people in my life by putting it down in black and white. That I don't need to be reminded that I got lots of holiday cards or that people like to remember me on my birthday--that instead I can go back and read my story any time and know how I got where I am and who got there with me.

But still-there is a part of me that wonders if I am weird for this since everyone else seems to keep boxes and shelves of the past's most physical aspects. That maybe I am more aloof than I think because I don't feel the need to have tactile proof of my adventures and associations.

Or maybe it is just that I have an amazing memory?

Quote of the Day

"If someone tells you they are an asshole, believe them. Don't think you can change them, that if you stick by them, they will get better."

My mom once told me this as a piece of dating advice. She said this shortly after I came out to her about being gay and ating boys. I like to think that this was her way of showing how accepting and proud she was of me.

That and she did not want me to make her mistakes.

Not Sure

There isn't really much to say about today. I spent my day focused on my novel, rewriting from the beginning to clear up new plot elements which is eaiser and yet more diffcult than I thought. I do believe I have made the right choice when it comes to most of my changes but there is still a nagging doubt about the project.

I don't know if I am doubting my prose, my structure or my abilty to create fully realized characters. there is also a huge chance I am just staring at my navel as a way to prevent progress. I don't know.

Instead I am going off to watch 'Vampire Diaries.' Judge if you must

The Curse of A Beautiful Bed

I spent today being superfical. I went and had my hair cut, I use my handheld micro derm machine on my skin, I colored my hair, I wore an eye mask and even did that thing with the trays and the teeth whiting. I cuddled up on my couch and watched bad tv while I did these things in the proper order for no real reason except I felt I needed to.

I like to think I am not a shallow person; that I have deep thoughts, that I care about people and ideas and things, that I make an effort to make my friends', my family and boyfriend's lives better which, in turn, makes mine better. I spend time labeling all my music, decorating my house and other people's space, I work out regularly and keep myself on a meal plan so that I can look the way I want in all the clothes I buy.

I like the way my cursive writing looks.

But somehow liking those things seems to be so skin deep, so on the surface that sometimes I wonder if I am a terrible person for wasting my time and energy there instead of elsewhere. Because most people would say that having these things as a focal point in my life shows that I m only concerned about myself and I can't help but think if that is right.

I worry and wonder.

I am not sure why I am driven to do this--where this all comes from--this need for perfection. Part of me chalks it up to control, that I try and manage and handle what I know I can so that I don't worry about all the things that I can't. That on some level I believe if things look good and are clean and in their place then it means that all the underlining stuff is also in it's place. That by having it in order then somehow that adds up to everything being in order.

Or maybe it just makes me happy. Maybe that is all it takes for me to be content is a made bed, a stylish outfit, ten less pounds and one easily found song in my itunes. And if that is all it takes then maybe I am more easily pleased with things.

I am not sure if that is good or bed but it makes me sleep easier in bed. Even if that means I will have to remake that bed the next day and start all over.

Frustration

So-after a two week wait I finally contacted Piper about my job interview from two Tuesdays ago. I decided to take Edie and Johnno's advice and sent off an email asking for the status of the situation. Piper wrote me back a few hours later, promising me an email to work out the details about what was going to happen.

The weird thing is that in her email Piper said she called me last week. I have no voice mail from Piper, nor any indication that she even tried to call me. I grew worried about there being a problem with my phone but held off on doing anything since I didn't have time to check the situation.

I then spent the rest of the day helping Kelly and Johnny move into their new rental house--I checked my email periodicaly but there was nothing sent to me by Piper and I was getting even more frustrated. One minute she is calling me about my resume but the next she can't even call or email back when she says she will. This has been the pattern this entire job proccess--if I don't keep on her with constant attention then nothing happens.

In all of my time working freelance in television I have NEVER had this much of a song and dance in order to get a job. Most producers want to hire someone ASAP, they either let you know right away that you are hired or let you off the hook a day or two later. And I have worked on the staff of some in-demand, high pressure shows, high rated shows, one's that there are people lined up to take my place. This is not one of those shows.

As I was finishing up with the move, my phone rang but I had two boxes in my hand and couldn't do more than just glance at the number. I didn't know who the caller was but figured they would leave a message if they wanted to talk to me or else it was just a telemarketer. No harm no foul. And once the call ended, and no message was left, I forgot about it.

It wasn't until I was home that night and working at my desk when I flipped open my phone and glanced again at the number on the screen. The number looked vaguely familar and I tried to run through the options in my head. It was only as I moved around some papers on my desk that I realized it was Piper's number from my interview notes. And I was dumbfounded.

Because this meant that Piper had called me last week but never bothered to leave a message. I was so stunned because from the tone of her email she implied I should have KNOWN she had called. But she didn't leave a message?

NEVER in ALL my time working in television have I had to deal with a POST SUPERVISOR who does NOT leave messages! It is part of the JOB DESCRIPTION to make phones calls, to FOLLOW UP with possible hires and make START DATES. WTF?

So I called her today (AGAIN) and spoke to one of the girls in the office who SWORE she would have Piper call back tonight to talk. And, once again, Piper DID NOT CALL or EMAIL me anything at all.

So I am done with this. I have been pushing and pulling with this woman to get the job and the details nailed down. I made a choice that if she did not contact me tonight through email or phone then I would wash my hands of the situation. Because I do understand busy shows and hectic production schedules but even LIVE TELEVISION handles this stuff with more professionalism and timeliness.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE A VOICE MAIL? WTF!

Hot Mess

Everyone that I know at some point has been a hot mess. Maybe they were dumped and took up competitive eating, per chance they were tired of dating and took up a hobby of one night stands, sometimes they send a little too much time at the bar or with the bottle; life happens.

And there is nothing wrong with this, this need to act out, spiral off and lose control, try to drop out of life for a while but there is a point when enough is enough. It's when you burst a blood vessel from too much drink or when you can't remember all of the people you've spent with in a month or maybe it is after you gain that first ten pounds and have to see your ex at a holiday party but there is always a point when it is time to stop and get yourself together.

But some people don't know how to do this. They get thrown out of parties or end up at the free clinic, maybe they wake up in the ER after having they stomach pumped or when they can't fit into their 'fat jeans' and everyone else in their life knows that something has to to change. But they don't know how to speak up or want to be the person to have that 'talk'.

It makes one question the bond of friendship when this happens. Part of being in someone's life in a meaningful way means have to risk the relationship to talk about real things. To ask what is really going on, to point when things have gone too far, to stop allowing excuses and justifications to override common sense.

And if you are not capable of having this type of conversation then maybe it is time to question the reality of the friendship. If you don't care enough to help someone when they are hurting then maybe you don't care enough. Being a friend is not all cocktails and secrets, photographs and parties. Sometimes it is about being the one person who can chance rejection to make a difference.

Hopefully you and I have people in our lives who can do that.

Because I Should

This year I am not doing NanoWriMo. I am skipping it not because I can't do it--last year proved I could do it--but because it is mor important to me to finish up last year's novel. But I feel kind of guilty about letting myself off the hook. It is an intense process and one that found me rediscovering my creative side and pushed me to work harder. It reminded me that I am capable of going full on when it comes to my writing and something I have to do.

It made me feel good about myself.

But instead I am going to force myself to bog everyday. Not because I have an audience, not because life has suddenly become better fodder for recapping but because I can. I'm not sure how this will work out because it will be a struggle to try and keep this readable but I figure it will push me to keep my fingers moving.

Hopefully this won't bore the hell out of people.

Like A Twist of a Kaleidoscope

So I have recently restarted on the novel. I hit a huge snag in the spring of last year and put it on a shelf until i could figure out how to best deal with my plot issues. I let the boy read and give notes which helped open up a bunch of doors for me. I picked up where I left off in the story pretty easy after a few days.

And then I hit a wall.

What I came to realize is that I had this HUGE plot device, a high school play, that was becoming more of a burden than a help in the overall story. I just felt it was unfair to have ALL my main characters involved in the play production without being able to have parts of the play in the novel. This wasn't because the high school was doing some established play (Hello copywrite issues) but because the play was a original work for the school and something I felt, as the writer, I would have to explain.

And it was becoming so much of a headache that I was lost and losing ground on the story. But fortunately last night I had a 'lightbulb' moment and figured out how to replace the play with something equally useful as a device without having to scrap the whole story. What is even more interesting is that an old idea, one I threw away, has now been reintroduced in the story as an effective plot element and even led to a couple new stylistic choices.

I feel like with one flick of the wrist I have saved the whole novel and am eagerly rewritting and continuing with my story. It might even be good now!

What is Your Responsibilty

Question-at what point do you wash your hands of a situation?

Two weeks ago I sent my resume in response to a posting with a reality website. The job wasn't ideal but I figured I needed a job more than anything so I just decided to try and apply. They called me back about a half hour later and we talked about meeting up for an interview. I couldn't do one that day so we made plans to talk on that Friday to schedule up.

On Friday I called into the office, as I was asked, and was told that the woman I was dealing with was busy but we would talk in a few hours. During this time, I went and plotted out my travel time for the trip and even went so far as to make a dry run as I waited for a return call. I never got one and in the meantime I started to feel like maybe it wasn't the right job for me.

After a day of hemming and hawing, Kirby and I talked about it and she pushed me to pursue the job. It was the right choice but I decided that I would wait until they called me back to set up a new apppointment. When I hadn't heard anything by Tuesday I called in and Shirley and I set up an interview for 3 o'clock that afternoon. She was to send me exact directions for the office and so I gathered up my stuff to be ready.

By 2 o'clock I still hadn't heard anything and was freaking out--for me to get to the interview I would have to leave the apartment shortly and was about to just go when I got an email changing my interview to 530. I was a bit annoyed because IO had to email back and request the address again but was good to go.

The interview itself went well; the office was closer than I thought, the vibe of the place seemed cool and I would even be learning anew program as part of the job. Shirley asked me to email another copy of my resume so that she could get the final okay but told me I was pretty much her man. I was the only person they even called in to interview so I was pretty much their only hope.

I have not heard a thing since last Tuesday from them. There is a part of me that says I should call in and check on what is happening but there is another part of me that says I shouldn't have too. They supposedly want me so why do I have to be the one chasing? And if they are this disorganized then do I really want to be a part of this production?

I kind of feel like I should just wash my hands of the whole thing. If they call and hire then I am willing but this shouldn't be my call to make. But I can't help but wonder if I might regret this down the road.

The Egg and I

I have always had food allergies since I was a small child; not the normal peanut allergy or the brief milk type but unique and multiple ones. I cannot have bananas, pumpkin, zucchini, squash, yams, sweet potaoes, gourds or avacados. I get hives, I swell up, I turn blue in the face, I get a burning sensation when I come into contact with any of these. It's always been that way and was more diffcult since my parents were basically veggies when I was growing up.

I am used to this shite.

But as of late I discovered something new. The boy and I switched to a new meal plan which is breaks down to being mostly carb free--we eat lots of chicken, red meat, turkey, salmon, eggs, veggies and nuts. It's been hard but finally forced me to cook more and led to me (and him) each losing about twenty pounds. It has been great to have things fit differently, to wear belts and smaller sizes.

But recently something has come up. Early this summer I went to the ER because I was horribly sick; I felt a huge pain in my stomach that wouldn't go away and which they finally told me was type of gas situation. It was gross but it passed and I was fine with almost everything. This was weird though because I usually have a steel stomach and could eat almost anything from hot salsa, peppers, japelenos and even tobasco without batting an eye.

Then the sick feeling started again early this month. I would have breakfast with the boy of eggs and bacon or eggs and chirzo but hours late I would be in miserable pain. It made no sense whatsoover so Johnno and I tried to figure out what was wrong. At first we thought maybe it was the chrizo but I could eat it fine sometimes, then we thought maybe it was the grease from the bacon when we made eggs but then that was fine when I would make bacon to crumble for salads.

So then we started to wonder if we weren't cooking the eggs enough. After one particluar day when I just felt so sick I was unable to even sit comfortably we decided to give one last test. We went out to brunch at one of our normal haunts and I had the usual eggs with cheese and bacon and veggies scrambled in. As we got home that day I was suddenly in such pain I had to throw up my entire breakfast to even be able to try and lay down for a nap. It was horrible.

And so then we took to the internets to try and see what we culd find. Turns out that I may have developed an intolerance to eggs. It's the only common feature in each inccident--that makes me sick and uncomfortable to the point I would lay on the floor in the bathroom and roll on the cold tile.

It sucks because I never really like eggs growing up and had finally seemed to gain a taste for the little suckers. But what is rather odd is that I can still have mayo with things--it just seemed to be any egg dish itslef that causes the problem.

Last thing i need is another food off my menu

Ten Things Learned

So I went to a Hollywood Hills Halloween party--friends of Edward and Vivian's were hosting and the girls (Kelly, Valeska, Ali, and Lola), the boyfriend (Johnno) and I hopped in a taxi, costumed, and pre party tipsy. It was different the usual Detriot Street Halloween (which is next weekend) in that it was a set of brothers, Greg and Wayne, who were frat boy type friends of Edward's so the vibe was guarenteed to be unusual. I have hung with the brothers before but it's hard to get a read on whether they like this group--and I am not sure but suspect that I and Johnno might be their token "gay friends".

That all said--I did learn the following ten things.

1) Straight boys always seem to think it is the late 80s, early 90s when it comes to music. One is assured to hear Bizmarkee, Young MC as well as early Biggie, Tupac and Snoog multiple times at said party.

2)If the hottest guy at the party is in his speedo in the hot tub it is your duty to find your boyfriend, your best friends, your roommate and the two girls you always see at random parties to help enjoy the view.

3) Nobody uses Grey Goose, Sky or Absolute Vodka in their jelly shots ergo any jelly shots you take will be made with cheap ghetto vodka. Forewarned is forarmed.

4) Douche bags belong alseep in the closet at the end of the night.

5) Tying a corset is hard regardless of the condition of your hands.

6) Never put your lighter on the edge of a balcony at a party with drunken slutty girls in costume. It will ALWAYS be knocked off the ledge and impossible to retrive.

7) At some point your body will decide it is time to leave--go before the party turns all tranny-like and hot mess laden.

8) NEVER DRINK GATORADE AND BOOZE TOGETHER. (Most people learned this in high school but some people still have to be schooled.)

9) Your boyfriend can throw up out a cab window effortless and should be rewarded by making sure the cab driver does not notice.

10) Never trust a drunk girl when she promises she can get herself and your friend home. She cannot handle this task and you will be called out on this decision

Playing House

The week before Halloween is always so busy for me between juggling costumes and planning I find myself suddenly busy and all over the place. And this past week has not been any exception. But what has been odd is the boy has been over to the Dollhouse every night thus far this week--since last Friday.

It is weird--I find I am the type person who needs alone time; time for DVR and face masks, closet time and singing all with my itunes as I bounce around the apartment either in sweats or overly dressed. But instead I have found myself making dinners and lounging on couches for sitcoms and reruns with the boy as we craft and laugh and cuddle. It's like living together without the lease or the bills or the worries.

I'm not sure how it makes me feeel.

Somewhere Unfamilar

Johnno fell down the stairs tonight. It was an accident and my fault--we were throwing out parts of our halloween costume and I took him out a different way than nomral and he couldn't see.

My heart stopped.

It was one of those loud and heavy falls where you just eat the pavement and all you can do is just take a second and ctach your breath. But I felt my heart freeze up because I heard the sound and didn't see it and when I turned around I felt myself just go stone cold. I was almost sick.

But he is fine--he dusted himself off before standing--and yet I felt as if everything wasn't.

I have been dealing with a lot of my crazies as of late--jobs and friends and money and art and a million small cracks in the looking glass--and this just shook me up more. I don't think I knew until recently how poorly I handle change because I am so good at chaos that I just kept associating the two when they are not the same. Chaos is fast and in your face, it requires quick thoughts and snappy wit or reflexes and candor but change, true change, is slow and small and creeps in behind the scenes. It replaces each part of the stage until the scene is different while chaos is like a fire or a tidal wave that just happens and you have to fight to stay above it.

But the most crazy thing is the boy. Everytime I think I have a grasp on what I feel about him and where it could be going (Thanks Sex In The City for that) I find myself somewhere new and different. Having him fall in front of me made me so upset and the depth of that feeling took my breath away. I actually had to hold on to him for a moment until I could believe he was okay and thus taken in air again. We walked hand in hand back to is car and hugged a bit longer before he drove off.

And as I headed back in I wondered if I had felt this deeply before. He is not the first boyfriend, not the first time I used the love word, not my only prospect for the future and yet it feels different. But then I wondered if that was genuine because every time I have given my heart, on some level, I have believed that to be the case. And yet, once you break up and go through all the shit and the strife and the drama and depression somehow that feeling ends up being boxed away. Sometimes it is the friend's box--that you can still make room in your life for each other--and other times it's the box you leave on the curb--for the trash collector.

But I am being to see that it is more than that. That Johnno means so much to me that for a moment tonight my world stood still at the end of him not being in it. This has never happened before, never been that shaken by something so throughly, and I did not like the novelty of this feeling.

And it made me realize that I have been making myself too crazy when it comes to us. That on some level, it is enough for him to be in my world because the idea of him not being there makes mine cease to exist. I don't know who or what this makes me outside of changed.

Maybe there is something to that.

Just a Small Word

Thanks Kirby. You've been more help than you could ever know.

It's The Thinking That Kill It

I have been frozen in place as of late. I have been trying to put off serious decisions by surrounding them with so much claptrap that by the time everything is settled the time for action has passed. This is not a good thing.

Last week I submitted myself for a job; not a job I wanted but a job I figured I should go after. It isn't what I want, it is more like a step backwards, so I found myself creating ways to hesitate. I did the bare amount of effort and then put the ball in the hands of the other party to ensure that I didn't have to make a choice. This is not smart for a bunch of reasons; finanical, careerwise, and lifestyle but i seemed unable to stop myself.

And now I feel guilty and worried and have to see if I can fix things. But the truth is I know what I need to do but I am scared and spoiled and being selfish. I don't know where this all came from but it is making me into someone I know I am not. I just have to push myself to remember how hard I can fight and what I am fighting over.

Just trust and go forth as oppossed to navel-gazing. It's hard

What A Difference...

A day makes... I was feeling down and out of sorts yesterday--so much so that I was kind of put off by myself. But today somehow seemed to make everything better--I sent emails, made plans, caught up with old frineds by both phone and mail and pushed myself.

I managed to put in a full solid work out, took some long over due pictures to make a contest deadline and finally managed to plot out then next 6 chapters in my unfinished novel. I feel reengerized and hopeful that I can make things happen again.

I feel like a real Rory again.

Pushed More than Pulled.

It's been a hard week or so for me. It is no particular thing, no easy to blame drama or tactile event. I have just been out of sorts and burning myself alive with doubt and unease. I'm not sure where these feelings have come from or how to handle them but I know i have to figure something out, some way of control myself because it is not making me happy. It's like I am somehow afraid and uncontrolable.

And I have been all over the place. One minute I am having a grand time out for Edward's birthday between drinks and dancing and laughing but then next day I am all on edge because I am not on my way to Costo. I feel this strange lack of control and it scares me because it is my most fatal flaw--that feeling at loose ends and a victim of circumstance is the deepest most heartfelt fear of mine.

And it is holding me in place--it keeps me from working on my writing, makes me edgy and off-kilter with the boyfriend, makes me feel frozen in place with everything even when I know what I want. That I want to connect to people, that I want to have a real date with the boyfriend and not hang around the house all day, be someone who when people ask about me I can say interesting things because I have done them.

I want to feel like things are under my control, to be someone who makes things happen instead of feeling like someone who has things happen to him. I want a life and well-rounded because I am pushing myself and not being pushed.

But how to make this happen?

Mystery Solved

Thanks internets!

We Are the World Lyrics

There comes a time when we heed a certain call (Lionel Richie)
When the world must come together as one (Lionel Richie & Stevie Wonder)
There are people dying (Stevie Wonder)
Oh, and it's time to lend a hand to life (Paul Simon)
The greatest gift of all (Paul Simon/Kenny Rogers)

We can't go on pretending day by day (Kenny Rogers)
That someone, somehow will soon make a change (James Ingram)
We're all a part of God's great big family (Tina Turner)
And the truth (Billy Joel)
You know love is all we need (Tina Turner/Billy Joel)

( CHORUS )
We are the world, we are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving (Michael Jackson)
There's a choice we're making we're saving our own lives (Diana Ross)
It's true we'll make a better day just you and me (Michael Jackson/Diana Ross)

Well, send'em you your heart so they know that someone cares (Dionne Warwick)
And their lives will be stronger and free (Dionne Warwick/Willie Nelson)
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread (Willie Nelson)
And so we all must lend a helping hand (Al Jurreau)

( REPEAT CHORUS )
We are the world, we are the children (Bruce Springsteen)
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving (Kenny Logins)
There's a choice we're making we're saving our own lives (Steve Perry)
It's true we'll make a better day just you and me (Daryl Hall)

When you're down and out there seems no hope at all (Michael Jackson)
But if you just believe there's no way we can fall (Huey Lewis)
Well, well, well, let's realize that a change can only come (Cyndi Lauper)
When we (Kim Carnes)
stand together as one (Kim Carnes/Cyndi Lauper/Huey Lewis)

(REPEAT CHORUS AND FADE )

(additional ad-lib vox by Bob Dylan, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Bruce Springsteen, James Ingram)

Mad Men and Seasame Street Equals Amazing

I Am SO EXCITED



Who else is with me?

Remember My What?

So Kirby, Wynona, Johnno and I went and saw the remake of 'Fame' this past weekend. WIthout giving away too much of the plot, I would have to say that your time and money would be better spent on buying and rewatching your own copy of the original film. There's nothing hugely wrong with it--the cast is mostly okay (I love the actress who played Joy! But the actor who played MArco couldn't be less effective), the directing is pretty much by the numbers (Nothing super exciting but nothing god awful) and the dancing is impressively done (Which speaks to having a former 'So You Think You Can Dance' star in the cast) but the story is so lacking any bite, any heat, any energy of the original.

Now I knew that this would not be as strong as the first film with it's PG rating (The original was rated R) but I was suprised at how weak and disconnected it was. Between obvious plot points with certain characters, another character being sued shamefully because the film makers didn't know how to handle his character and a story so dismantled you didn't even know who half the characters were at points--just a total failure. (The best part is at the end when they flashed up a cast memeber and NONE of the people I was with remembered her having a character in the film!)

At the end--this Fame is not worth remembering, Debbie Allen has only TWO scenes in the whole film and your time could be better spent watching clips on You Tube instead.

But Kelsey, Megan, Bibi and Charles each have great moments in the film. But that is because they are actors who can overcome bad material.

22 is An Odd Number

22 pounds. I have lost that much since starting the diet back on July 5th. It doesn't really feel like that much between my face feeling fat but I think it is an age thing then a fat thing--I don't know. But things fit different, I have to be careful when I order things on line because they don't fit (too big), I put on things that I wear all the time but now look better than ever. It is good.

And the boyfriend has done even better than me--he has lost notciable weight in the face and has gone down a level in the Wii Fit weight scale. We both still talk about food we miss but somehow we both push each other along. It helps that we now have the meal plan on lockdown. (Step one? Don't call it a diet) I have become used to cooking my meals and maing recipes (!!!), making sure I eat enough of the better things and listening to when my body is hungry and feed it right then. I feel like I am getting better.

But I still feel like I have a long way to go. I have to rebalance my workouts now that I no longer have the BB gym, work on my sleeping schedule and remember to walk everyday for at least 45 minutes. This only works if I can keep up the effort and remind myself what it is all good for.

To beat that damn Wii Fit more than anything.

Back to the Regular Scheduled Rory

So I have been wrapping up loose ends and this one fell completely off the screen. Between ending Big Brother, going to the wrap party (Unoffical) for Big Brother, a dinner for the 15th anniverary of 7th Floor Charlesgate, Jewish New Year's bar night and a slew of boring personal things I have finally been able to get myself all caught up.

I dealt with termites in the apartment, a broken dishwasher, a broken internet, a plumbing issue, a credit fraud issue and finished closing out all my paid off credits cards. I have made overdue phone calls, sent well expired thank you cards for gifts and birthday cheer and even managed to upgrade my itunes AGAIN.

These are all the reasons I have not been here. But I is back and will continue to better for the foreseeable future.

Music Whore

I love this song. Like I hum it all the time when I am not aware and people always call me out on it all the time.

Christmas Lights

I feel like I have been surrounded by Christmas lights--pretty colors, flattering lighting and a more than slight distraction. It might be with the show ending or just the general ennui of life changes but I find myself out of sorts. It's not that I am not doing what I want or how I want it but more that I don't really know the answer to the question.

For so long I have been so sure but as of late I have been less than hundred percent when it comes to going and getting what I want. It is mostly because I just don't know what it is--and it bothers me. I have always felt that to be happy you have to be going after things with passion, with gusto, and balls to the wall.

But right now I am not sure what that is for me. It is very jarring to feel a bit useless and uncertain after all this time--I mean, I have a great place, good friends, an amazing boyfriend but I still feel like I am somehow without a paddle.

I am even using boring turns of of phrase. I don't know

It Is Whatever You Want It to Be

I have been a bit bored lately--the show is wrapping up, lots of parties that seem to blur into one and another after a certain point and am just going through the day to day of the diet and working out and avoiding the heat. It is as exciting as it sounds. But all that being said, i kind of can't wait to be unemployed again.

I mean it will be all about working on the book (with notes from the boys), coffee with the kids during the week, working out more than twice a day, making time for wine with friends who have office hours and cleaning out y closet between bouts of calls with my mom and various others on the to call list.

But I am looking for things to get excited about. New music? Books to read? Anything that is not tv?

suggestions and stuff....