Things On My Wall

So I haven't been too deep as of late and decided that i would try and use random objects to give insight to who I am. i tend to find what people choose to surround themselves with is really an unspoken insight into how they are...



This is on the wall of my closet... It is also probably the picture that really shows the most in what I like about color, texture and art. Anyone who knows me well, and has seen my room, has certainly noticed my fondness for the color orange. I'm not sure if it is the Leo in me or the dramatist in me but this color in this shade just seems to inspire me.

On top of that, the use of the blue and grean peacock feathers as a juxposition to the orange just stirs up that sense of clashing but stirring visual interest that I like. Add to that how the peacock is one of my favorite animals as well as the details on the lavish dress' feathers and it just seems to be everything I like in a picture. Color, texture, as well as the simplicity of it just being an ad that turned into something more for me. I like the everyday as inspiration and that is what this former ad gives to me.



Obviously this is the light switch on my wall. It's funcation, well designed and pretty to look at. That's all well and good but not why I chose it for this blog. Because this thing took forever to find--it's a testament to my attention to details. Someone may only notice once or twice but it reminds me of how important evry little part of the whole is. It's something that i try to carry in my work, my relations and my world view. That we are the sum of all the things we put out into the world. Even the smallest detail.



This my good luck bamboo. It might appear strange that I have such a thing; that I seem flip and very nonspiritual but at the end of the day I take comfort in the ideas of luck, fate, hope and chance. Each piece is meant to represent a bedroom in the apartment and hopefully to watch over each of us as we live our day to day existence. It must work pretty well--I have had the same three stalks since the third year of this apartment and it's been about 7 years since. Here's hoping.



Now this might seem like a similar idea to the first picture--a classic piece of art, a protrait of repose and quiet but that's not why I hung this. It's the front of a card from my friend Lucy; she had mailed it to me years ago as a way to just say hello. The card was about missing each other and thinking of each other but now it hangs in my bathroom. I use it to remind me that even though a person might be far away or gone it doesn't mean they have to far or gone from my thoughts. That relationships are not just about the ones current in my life but about all the people that I have known. That I should remember to call or write or just think about the people who matter to me and remember to show they that I care.



Now this is a gift from Edie--it's a calender of 'Hot Priests of the Vatican City'. She found this present when working on the Bond movie in Italy and was quick to snap one up for my Christmas gift. It reminds me that for all of my illusions and pretensions that I have a fun side, a tacky side, a goofy side. That as much as I ove art and books, cocktails and clothes, witty and double meanings I am also someone who can be relaxed and playful, in jeans and with beer, read Cosmo and watch CW as much as anything else in my life. It also reminds me that my relationships are just as much about the unexpected fun (Because who expects a hot priest calander?) as much as the hard times and the complicated times.

And each of the things reminds me that I am more than just one thing at any time. And that my life is about more than just the moment and what is touchable in the second. It helps to know that and to be reminded when all else is in doubt.

Quote of the Day

Talk about revenge

"I am going to be in the room when you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you..."
I don't know why but it makes me laugh....

Who Needs a Doctor?

So I spent sometime in the ER this week. Long story short--I had a bit of a tickle in my throat for the ost part of last weekend but by Friday had ended up in the grip of full blow illness. I was feverish, crabby and at times cranky as I spent most of the day bedbound. Normally I would have told the boyfriend to stay away but he and I had plans with his friends--a rarity--so I felt guilty about having to pass. So i told him to come over post dinner so he could see for himself how sick I was. And that I could make him bring soup.

See, i have this thing about being independent which roughly translates to 'I don't need you'. I'm not sure if I gained this trait from my childhood, from my parents or various events that have happened in Los Angeles but whenever I feel weak and out of it I prefer to go it alone. But I let my guilt about having to cancel my plans trump my need to be alone. And so Johnno came over.

Which ended up being a great decision. Bceause as the weekend continued I felt still worse and worse and the boy had to put up with cranky, messy, achy Rory and managed to handle it without leaving or killing me. (which amount to really the same thing at this point.) He was good at giving me space if I needed it, trying to come up with new ways to help me and was the one who finally convinced me that I needed to head off to the ER Monday morning.

And that is where he was a really champ. Whenever I get to that point I tend to become a bit unglued between my fears and my crankiness and my worries about how bad things could get. I become my least flattering verison of myself and someone that I wouldn't spend time with--if I had a choice.

And the boy handled it beautiful. He let me be panicked within reason, he made smart choices when I felt I couldn't but most of all he didn't take it personal that I might have felt the need to send him away. He was supportive of not only me but my need to be independent if I needed it. Johnno was the perfect mix of there and gone--hands off but only far enough away to catch me if needed.

It made the whole weekend worth it.

Don't Fight the Awesome

I think this should happen every ten years in my life. That this act just appears somewhere random to please me.



Seriously. How. Awesome. Is. That?

Happiness

I know I owe a more substantial blog--I should be talking about ER visits or the boy or how I redid the living room because I was bored or how I am 98 percent sure of where I will be this summer. I could talk about giving up caffiene or eating crap all week, about the lives of the Dollhouse or how much time I have spent watching 'The Game' on BET.

Instead I spent my night standing on my little porch, with a glass of white wine in one hand and a smoke in the other, and just let the Santa Ana winds blow over me as I stared up into a clear sky and followed the moon. About how I let a feeling of contentment wash over me as I felt the cool breezes ruffle my hair and drit smoke out past my line of vision. How happy I felt with my lot in life; with the friends I am blessed to have, the boyfriend who has become my most favorite person I know, to have a career that I love and a life I live on my own terms. That I am so fortunate to be able to lead a life of such simple pleasures and one of my own choosing.

That I could say that I was 100 percent happy. No questions or qualms, no self doubt or lingering questions. That if I had die in that one instant I could say I had it amazing.

I could say I was able to hold happiness in my heart.

What I Have Been Up To

I haven't written much lately. I have been a bit busy just out living my life but not enough of it to demand that I divest myself here. But I decided that maybe some pictures will make it look more interesting.

So here goes



I have spent a lot of time here with the boy. Johnno and I have developed a fondness for naps and cuddling and spooning among other things. And on the days he leaves the dollhouse for work I actually get out of bed and usually walk him out to his car. This is strange new territory.

I guess you could blame some of our napping on this



It's not the best wine but let's be honest--it is the only label I should be drinking on a regular basis. It comes in a white and a red and was randomly discovered at a BevMo! so it came home with me and the boy. It seems to be needed more and more.

It makes me feel creative which led this...



I call this thing of beauty a 'stashe on a stick'. It was created from a chopstick and a random fake moustache I had from a past Halloween--mostly due to the fact I did not have any way to attached said moustache to my face. Instead I ended up looking like this all night.



I think it comes off very Glenn Close in 'Dangerous Liasons' which seemed to amuse most people at Stevie's birthday party. It also led to the birth of 'Two out of two Rorys argee' as a verbal arguement against bad druken decisions--it is a loving tribute to "Kids in the Hall".



I think 50 Helens would agree that it was a lovely party as well. Whether or not Stevie had a good time is up to debate but I had to make an early escape with the boy to get home early enough to get to work on a hot little number.



It's a onesie that I designed by hand for Heath and Ruby's baby shower. And while I don't think the little one (or her parents) needs to ever know how tanked I was during the creation of said onesie--I think it's quite good. No butts about it.



But there will be more and better entries soon. I'm just stockpiling.

Quote of the Day


"Someone along the way told you that you were a natural beauty. They lied to your face."

Hahahahaha--this is so true and funny for a handful of people in my life.

Random
I found a column about house numerology from Apartment Therapy.com and was curious to see what type of energy the Dollhouse might have going for it. Because it is an apartment you do add up the street address (the energy of the building) and then the apartment number until it boils down to a single digit. Here's what I came up with.

House Number 8
This house resonates with Ambition and material benefits. If you are a hard-working individual who is ambitious then this is the house for you. Your focused business nature will best suit an eight house. For this is a solid house that aids in making your goals come to reality. Outdoor gardens filled with trees, plants and flowers ad to the ambiance of this house.

The natural environment of this house will aid to sooth extreme behaviors.

Positive Colour Suggestions: Green, Cream, Blues and Grays.

If you want to try--head over to this website to give it a shot.

http://www.think-aboutit.com/Spiritual/TheNumerologyofHouseNumbers.htm

Incoming

I have a lot of blogging to catch up on but I have been a bit too busy living life and fixing up things to get much done. That being said--the next few days will be all about trying to get me back on board with this thing.

We shall see

About Last Night

I don't know what to say. I could say that I was anxious all night long. I could have said that Johnno had to watch me be a hot mess because of my nerves. I could say that I was edgy and jumping because all i wanted was a cigarette. I could say that I didn't know how his friends and my friends would have meshed. I could have said I was worried about us getting a table for the game. I could have said I was restless and jumpy. I could have said that I have been feeling a bit of of sorts with getting things done--my things. I could have pointed out that I was all over the place because I don't know where my place is at the moment and the sudden weight of that came crashing down on me. I could have been honest and open and shared.

But I didn't.

I didn't because I didn't have the right words. I didn't because I felt like I was being ganged up on. I didn't because when certain people come after me I am at a loss because they are people who I trust and give so much more openess to and when they come at me--I don't know what to do. I Know that even now writing this could get me in trouble but i don't know where else to put my feelings. i could say so mcuh more.

But instead I will write the night off. I will put away what happened and file it under an unlucky turn of events. Under a night of bad behavior. Of bead decisions all on my part. But I will not keep it all bottle up.

Random But True

Friends can occupy the same room without robbing the space of solitude. They appreciate the difference between conversation and pointless noise. They don't snipe and bitch about other friends. They do their share of mundane tasks without prompting. They seldom whine, are secure in their own purpose and don't anchor themselves to an energy-sapping cloud of defeat and ready-made excuses when a challenging project presents itself.

I find this is very true and something I share with very few people.

Guess You Didn't Roll the Dice Right

From the AP

MINNEAPOLIS – Dave Arneson, one of the co-creators of the Dungeons & Dragons fantasy game and a pioneer of role-playing entertainment, died after a two-year battle with cancer, his family said Thursday. He was 61.

Arneson's daughter, Malia Weinhagen of Maplewood, said her father died peacefully Tuesday in hospice care in St. Paul.

Arneson and Gary Gygax developed Dungeons & Dragons in 1974 using medieval characters and mythical creatures. The game known for its oddly shaped dice became a hit, particularly among teenage boys. It eventually was turned into video games, books and movies. Gygax died in March 2008.

"The biggest thing about my dad's world is he wanted people to have fun in life," Weinhagen said. "I think we get distracted by the everyday things you have to do in life and we forget to enjoy life and have fun.

"But my dad never did," she said. "He just wanted people to have fun."

Dungeons & Dragons players create fictional characters and carry out their adventures with the help of complicated rules. The quintessential geek pastime, it spawned copycat games and later inspired a whole genre of computer games that's still growing in popularity.

"(Arneson) developed many of the fundamental ideas of role-playing: that each player controls just one hero, that heroes gain power through adventures, and that personality is as important as combat prowess," according to a statement from Wizards of the Coast, a subsidiary of Hasbro, Inc. that produces Dungeons & Dragons.

Blackmoor, a game Arneson was developing before D&D, was the "first-ever role-playing campaign and the prototype for all (role-playing game) campaigns since," the company said.

Arneson and Gygax were dedicated tabletop wargamers who recreated historical battles with painted miniature armies and fleets. They met in 1969 at a convention, and their first collaboration, along with Mike Carr, was a set of rules for sailing-ship battles called "Don't Give Up the Ship!"

In later years, Dave published other role-playing games and started his own game-publishing company and computer game company. He also taught classes in game design. He was inducted into the Academy of Adventure Gaming Arts and Design Hall of Fame in 1984.

Weinhagen said her father enjoyed teaching game design at Full Sail University in Winter Park, Fla., in recent years, where he taught students to make a solid set of rules for their games.

"He said if you have a good foundation and a good set of rules, people would play the game again," Weinhagen said.

Arneson is survived by Weinhagen and two grandchildren. A public memorial service was planned April 20, from 4 to 8 p.m., at Bradshaw Funeral Home in St. Paul.

Music Whore

I know they have been out for awhile. They were written up on Perez Hilton multiple times and a darling of Myspace music but recently I have become really obsessed with the band Chester French. They make me think of what a lovechild of Weezer and Amy Winehouse would be like—except they have Harvard backgrounds and no accents. I am so into them that I managed to find a ton of unreleased songs of theirs for my music library.

This is their first video.



My favorite line ‘she craves affection so I use protection’.


This is another song of theirs but the video is just a still of the band.



This song does make me want to buy shoes. Just not those shoes.

Regardless though--something about their music just makes me scary happy. Which is reason enough to like any performer. At least I think so.

Things You Do and When You Do Them.

Timetables have always mattered to me. Whether it is my career, my friendships, my writing—all have had a set period of time and place to be down. But nowadays it seems that nothing matters and I don’t seem to care.

It doesn’t matter that I told Johnno I love him two months into our relationship. (This is something I didn’t do with Samuel or Fernando or even Dawson.) He has things that he leaves here, I always include in all of my plans even when I don’t think I should like girls’ trips and holiday celebrations. I called him my soul mate in a drunken haze, told Edie that if he gave a certain ultimatum that I would break my pattern, I hold his hand whenever I can and wherever we are. Normally it would take me forever to make certain moves and yet I am constantly doing them.

And so I wonder if I am on the edge of good or bad—if I am the edge of right and wrong. I guess I will just keeping tempting fate, pushing at the edges of what is reasonable until further notice.

My Roomie

If there is a picture that can sum up Edie in a thousand words—this just might be it.



I’m sure you can’t tell but these are all sequined and bedazzled bracelet that she bought downtown with Valeska, Ali and I this past weekend. There are 27 in total—on top of the ones she owned before we stumbled across them in the knock off stores downtown.




I think she is three away from a full on tranny.

Music Whore

I am obsessed with this song. Thanks so much Chloe

Five Days in About Five Pictures--And A Video

So this past week has been crazy. Not in a bad way but between a full Dollhouse, a taste of adventure and various opportunities I have been out and about much more than I should be when I am jobless. But guilt notwithstanding, here's a good summary of the whats and wheres of my adventures.

The R Bar.



This is the Los Angeles pirate bar where you need a password to get in and guts to brave the streets of Korea Town to even park. Edie, Lola and I hit this up on Thursday because the Dollhouse likes field trips and they can't all be shopping ones.
I had a great time. I did not need to know they had a free vodka cocktail hour on Thursday. That is scary.

Next on the list was an impulse stop. Edie had seen a coffee house near the bar and thought we should stop in. This is what I saw after a handful of cocktails.



Its name is Captain Jack and it is a Titanic themed, Korea as first language, heart and love pillowed coffee house that feels like it should be of ill repute. The patio is filled with ugly fountains of cherubs and angels but it gets better.



The waiters only come when you push a button and can only take an order when you point it out on the menu.



The mugs have flashing lights in them and are also covered in little hearts... They have to have the bottoms pressed to keep the lights flashing and I was all over that.


The next night was Friday and Johnno and I decided to butt in on Lola and Sabine's plans to sing karaoke a little bar in Venice near where both Sabine and Johnno live. I went online to find out more about it and read the following on Yelp.

"I only brought $20. I figured, judging by other LA bar experiences, that $20 would be enough to get me barely buzzed. Nope. The fantastic Joules, our tender, would never allow that. Drink after drink came, and I was as drunk as I have been in years. Just obliterated. We start the stumble home and I, being a complete fucking moron, get separated from our group and proceed on my own. At 3am. Through a shady ass area.

Suffice to say, I woke up in a bush hours later, 20 yards off the road with no wallet, keys, or cell phone and a huge welt on my head and no memory of what happened. Yup. Mugged. No shit.

I get an email the next day from a gorgeous girl saying she found my keys and wallet on the concrete in front of her work. I get my stuff, we start chatting, one thing lead to other things...

So you may be asking yourself, after this story, after this asshole got mugged, how in the world is this a 5 star review? Look back up... I brought $20, and was drunk to the point that my dumbass got myself mugged! Off $20! AND I met a cutie out of the deal!'

So needless to say I was a bit leery of the whole thing. And after some internal debate and some sly pushing from Johnno we were off and made our way to the bar



After some nerves and parking lot smokes, we made our way in to find Sabine and Romanna right inside the door and happy to see us. The bar was dicey, some of the crowd seemed rough but after a drink or two I didn't care. Of course I slammed my drinks because the girls had signed me and Johnno up to sing--something I had not expected. Of course, being nervous I went for a song I knew all the words to even if not all the notes.



Everyone took a turn on the mic but the best moment was as we left Molly--a friend of Lola's--found the perfect place to take the last picture of the evening.



This car really summed up our experience.

The next night was Dominic's housewarming party. The Dollhouse was full stacked, stoked and ready to be sauced for the night's adventures.



As you can see, we didn't have time to dress up and went out in our Tuesday casuals (TM Nolan) of fishnets, bandanas and wigs. But at least I didn't stick out too much because the boy was also 'invested' in having a good time at the party.



And a good time we did have. So much so that to put all the pictures would make this blog more of a brag than it already is. But that's just how we roll sometimes.

You know you loves it.

Talk About Bad Drama

From Perez Hilton

The longest running soap on daytime television, Guiding Light, may soon be going off the air!

CBS is looking for a replacement for the show.

Drama!!!!!!


I hate that this story has taken on such legs--mostly because the people reporting this story don't understand what is going on. GL has the highest improvement in viewing numbers of any show right now--which means they are ADDING instead of LOSING veiwer--and all that will be undercut by this story. And the fact that EW-who never has good soap gossip--and Canadian TV Guide --which is known for being wrong--are spreading out this story as true is making it worse.

And what is really sad is the show is AMAZING right now. Between strong and better production values, which are saving the show tons of money, some of the best stories on air, lesbians Olivia and Natalia love story is just why I watch Daytime since it is so detailed, and the return of huge stars and events make it appoitment soap. Like it could be the Emmy winner for next year.

Boo to the press taking the story out of context.

This Is Sad

From E! On-Line

Andy Hallett, who starred as Lorne ("the Host") on the TV series Angel, died of heart failure last night at age 33, according to his longtime agent and friend Pat Brady. The actor passed away at Cedars-Sinai Hospital after a five-year battle with heart disease, with his father Dave Hallett by his side.

Hallett, from the Cape Cod village of Osterville, Mass., appeared on more than 70 episodes of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer spinoff, Angel, between 2000 and 2004. The accomplished actor was also a musician and sang two songs ("Lady Marmalade" and "It's Not Easy Being Green") on the Angel: Live Fast, Die Never soundtrack, released in 2005.

The actor's character on Angel was Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan, or Lorne for short, and he was a friendly demon, who, when not assisting Angel and his team in the investigation of various and sundry underworld mysteries, served as the host and headliner at a demon bar.

Back in 2001, Hallett told our own Jen Godwin that despite constant flirtation with David Boreanaz' character Angel, and the occasional sly Elton John reference, "We don't really know if he's gay. I don't really know. It's funny, because sometimes he's right in Angel's face, and that's when I feel it the most. And viewers would probably think, hmm, what's going on here? This guy's pretty curvy."

Hallett has spent his post-Angel years working on his music career, playing shows around the country. He had been admitted to the hospital three or four times in the past few years for his heart condition, according to Pat.

Another Angel castmember, Glenn Quinn, who played Doyle in season one, passed away in 2002.

A private funeral service will be held for family and close friends in Cape Cod, most likely over this weekend.





You'll be missed.

Fashion Board for the Fashion Bored

So I have been unemployed for awhile now. And as much fun as it is to watch 'Young and the Restless' in live time, work out for an hour twice a day and catch up on the names of the Jonas Brothers'--it has left me next to no cash for my wardrobe.

See, I like clothes. I like to wear them, to mix and match them and (if you ever se my closet) separate them by color, sleeve length, fabric and other OCD crap. But without means to splurge at UO, Heritage or any of my other stores I have revisited one of my past fashion tools.

I spent today pulling out my favorite stylized photos from our many magazines from Genre to Out to GQ and Details while debating if I had the means to pull off the same looks by wearing my own clothes differently. Whether it is about using different textures, colors, or pieces together unexpectedly, I can find a ton of inspiration from layouts, ads, and celeb profiles which then end up being put on display



So now on the back of my door I have a smorgasbord of ideas for any of those nights when I feel like I have nothing to wear. This board has a lot about how to fold up cuffs, unexpected layering with collared shirts, sweaters and sweat shirts as well as a lot of accessories like gloves, vests and shoes being used unexpectedly. It makes me feel like I have a lot more of surprises up my fashion runway.

Yeah--this post is gay and also about being cheap. What were you expecting?

Another Day of Success



The eggs are scarmbled (thanks to Edie for teaching me how.) The lentils are yummy and the recipe found on-line. The veggies are steamed due to a youtube video.

Go diet-go diet.

Some People Are Just Under A Bad Star

Nicholas Hughes, the son of the poets Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes, has hanged himself at the age of 47. The former fisheries scientist at the University of Alaska Fairbanks had carved out a successful scientific career in one of the remotest parts of the western world, but ultimately he could not escape the legacy of being the offspring of one of the most famous and tragic literary relationships of the 20th century.

Those who know little else about his mother know that she was the American-born poet who gassed herself in the kitchen of her north London home in February 1963 while her one-year-old son and his two-year-old sister, Frieda, slept in their cots in a nearby room. Plath had placed towels around the kitchen door to make sure the fumes did not reach her children. She had been distraught at the break-up of her relationship with Hughes, following her discovery of his infidelity. Six years after their mother's death, in 1969, their father's then partner, Assia Wevill, also killed herself, killing her four-year-old daughter Shura in the process.

Plath's relationship with the future poet laureate has been the subject of numerous literary and personal memoirs and biographies, and even a film, as well as long-running attacks on her husband's reputation and behaviour by some feminists. She addressed one of her last poems, Nick and the Candlestick, to her baby son: "O love, how did you get here? O embryo … In you, ruby/ The pain you wake to is not yours … You are the one." Although Nicholas Hughes's father maintained an anguished public silence about the tragedy, poems written at the time, published in the last year of his life, also spoke of his relationship with his son.

In a statement issued late on Sunday evening, Frieda Hughes reported: "It is with profound sorrow that I must announce the death of my brother Nicholas Hughes, who died by his own hand on Monday 16 March 2009 at his home in Alaska. He had been battling depression for some time.

"His lifelong fascination with fish and fishing was a strong and shared bond with our father (many of whose poems were about the natural world). He was a loving brother, a loyal friend to those who knew him and despite the vagaries that life threw at him, he maintained an almost childlike innocence for the next project or plan."

A report in the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner today by its columnist Dermot Cole understandably celebrates Hughes's academic and personal qualities rather than his literary associations. Noting that his initial scientific training had been at Oxford, Cole says he earned a doctorate at the University of Alaska in 1991: "He made lasting friendships in Fairbanks with those who shared his inventive interests in such varied pursuits as stream ecology, pottery, woodworking, boating, bicycling, gardening and cooking the perfect pecan pie … He spent countless summer hours in his research of grayling and salmon in the Chena river, exhibiting all the patience and wonder that defines a great fisherman. One of his innovations was rigging underwater cameras to get a three-dimensional view of the fish feeding in the passing current."

That interest may seem to pop psychologists an altogether more positive inherited legacy, of Ted Hughes's passionate interest in fishing, and indeed his father made several visits to Alaska before his death in 1998. Nicholas's particular academic specialism was in the behaviour of fish in currents. A 2004 paper explored why larger fish swim upstream in the turbulence of midstream rather than in the quieter waters near the banks: "Large fish swim further from the bank to avoid wave drag, the resistance associated with the generation of surface waves when swimming close to the surface," he wrote.

Hughes gave up his professorship two years ago to concentrate on pottery, although the paper said he continued his research with his partner, Christine Hunter, also a biologist.

Cole wrote: "A few times I called to let him know I would like to write about his life and his family connections whenever a news story about his parents appeared, but he did not think it was a good idea, so it never happened. He deserved his privacy. By and large, people in Fairbanks respected that, which is a good comment on our part of the world. In Alaska he had the freedom and the opportunity to live on his own terms and be recognised for his own accomplishments. Here he was not a literary figure forever defined by the lives of his parents."

In Plath's poems, he was her saviour
The shock and sadness of the news of Nicholas Hughes's death is almost unbearable. In his mother's poetry, he was saviour and life force - at his birth, she wrote, "this great bluish, glistening boy shot out onto the bed in a wave of tidal water that drenched all four of us to the skin, howling lustily", and he was for her the baby in the barn, "the one solid the spaces lean on". She loved her children, but not even loving them could save her, or, it now seems, him. Her son tried to survive her, escaping to Alaska, pursuing the wild fish through the icy rivers, but in the end he swam back up stream to the terrible birth and death place. Plath was heroic, in her struggles to create light and art from darkness, and so, I must and need to feel, was he. Margaret Drabble

Look At What I Did

Sometimes it is just the small things. I'm starting a new low carb regime (Thanks Joy!) and it is all about legumes, protein and veggies which aren't very microwave friendly. Bceause of this I have had to learn how to cook lentil beans, ground beef and properly steam spinach.



I managed to cook this entire meal myself from scratch. you can't tell but the beef is mixed with low fat cheese as well as onions and garlic that I managed to satuee! The beans are a work in progress but I did make them flavorable with some nice stock in the water and it is yummy. And now I have enough for the next few days so cooking only has to happen every so often. It's best for all of us.

Yay me!

Windows

So last night the wind almost broke my bedroom room window. Johnno and I were cuddled up in bed after a long, and in someways hectic lazy weekend, when we were awoken by a loud bang. Too tired to even try and figure things out, we just shifted back into our little ball of slumber and comfort. It wasn't until the early morning when I finally looked out into the park, expecting to see a broken tree or fence.

Instead what I saw was the swinging of a satellite dish from off of the roof of the building, hanging inches away from my window. An inch to the right and the dish probably would have slammed through my window and led to Lord knows what. I stared at it, wondering what to do since it still hung by a cable over the door into the building. I knew I should talk to my neighbors, the managers, but was a bit off due to sleepiness from escorting both Johnno and Lola out into the morning.

I spent my time doing what I do during my unemployment; facebook and realtystaff, ecards and emails, before preparing to workout. I was about to sign off when I saw a random eamil in my facebook. I wasn't sure who it was from mostly due to my many FB games and figured it might be someone asking for an add or a question about something gamewise. I wasn't prepared for what came next.

As I read and reread the email I was confused by the familarity of the message since the name didn't ring any bells. It took several minutes before I realized that it was someone from my past who had managed to track me down in the most odd of ways, someone who I never thought I would ever hear from again.

It was the babysitter from my childhood, the woman who had been watching my younger brother Jason Ryan, the woman would had been taking care of him when he died as a baby. I was pushed into shock by her attempt to reconnect; she mentioned that she read my blog and was reaching due to what she felt was her part in 'the truths and tears' of my life that camne out of those past events. to say I was shocked would not do justice to the word or to myself.

For all of my openness in my words, my interactions and in my relationships, there is still a part of me that is seperate from my day to day. I talk from time to time here about my family--my parents bad divorce, my awkwardness with my childhood and my attempts to try and use my past as a way to push myself to be a better person. But at the end of the day, my past sits on the edge of my persona, waiting for its cue to take the stage and do its own little dance of self awareness to the acts of my lfie that I have put to rest.

I slowly stepped away from my computer, from my work out, from my plans for the evening and insted managed to find myself wandering the streets of Studio City. Somehow I ended up with a pack of smokes (something i have cut back on outside of one day a week) a lemonade (to mix with some vodka like I did in high school) and some beef jerky (because 711 always makes me feel like I need something more than smokes so they don't judge my bad habits.)

I eventually found myself sitting on the steps out side of my building, near where the dish hung from my rooftop, on the verge of vomiting and fainting and crying and loneliness. I tried to figure who to call, who could be a comfort, or would be the person to snap me out of my thoughts. Except my thought were in a million places all at once; not just in the past that I keep to myself, the years pre Emerson and my friends, the years pre Los Angeles and the boyfriend, the life pre Rory in some ways. I debated calling my mother but thought of it because I didn't know what I wanted or could ask from her--that it was selfish to drag her back into thinking of Jason Ryan and those years that we have all moved so far beyond.

So often I look at my life as though it is a million littel windows--facets of how I see myself and the world around me. Sometimes it is about my career that pays the bills, sometimes it is about all my hopes and plans for the boy, other times it is a view of my friendships and where they stand and other times it is about my art and creativity. The little slivers of existence that give me hope, give me ambition, give me pause.

I wonder if I am the only one who does that--looks at life in such a segmented way. I imagine we all do this in our own way; that we choose to see things, events, people and ideas in their own sepearte ways because it is too much sometimes to look at the whole. That if we saw the full picture then we might wonder what it all means and get caught up in just the comtemplation of everything. Or maybe we do this to keep things from being too much--that if we saw everything cleary at once we just might never know where to go next because if we're honest we know that each view touches but is so different that they almost don't make sense.

So I find myself looking out the most diffcut window--the fragile one, the one that is almost shattered, the one that even an inch difference could be broken. and I'm not sure what to do with what I see. Maybe I'm not supposed to do anything at all but know that the view is there. To know how fragile and simple and easily broken it all can be.

Book Whore

Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
I read this book years ago back during my Russian novelist phase while still in high school so I knew what would happen but forgot the details. So much of this book is about idealogy and the importance of the induvidual over the mass but also tries to pay respect to what the revolutions were really about,



But what makes this book stand out for me so much is how it seeems to capture the life of a country in such unsettled times. Characters come and go, the smallest details play in such huge ways when the society is pulled apart and the way people think, feel, and decide is so small and yet so understandable.



And of course Yuri and Lara's love story is still as passionate and hectic and uncertain as always. This is one of the few elationships in literature that I understand--foilables and all.


View all my reviews.

Random Music Memory

This is one of my favorite memories of college and possibly the best of me and Little Steve. Beattles are much adored--but none more for me than this song.

Quotes of the Weekend

From Kelly and Valeska's Jimmy Buffet themed party

Valeksa "Then I slurred out of my face...."

Gabe "So I think we shouldn't call 911 when he falls off the unicycle." Kelly laughs--"Wait, what?"

Gabe "I think he got confused and thought it was the jimmy buffet (buffay) as opposed to a Jimmy Buffet themed party. Cause that explains all the men he brought for Valeska."

Vivian "I've got to go. I just had 4 jello shots and want some more. But I have to run a 5k in the morning."

Joy "Well Hitler likes barbaques. (silence) Oh no."

Kelly "What do you with 50 pounds of sand?" Johnno "Make the world's biggest litter box?"

Gabe "They're 'dudes'. It's confusing cause we don't normally party with 'dudes'. But in an hour they'll be douchebags and it will be fine. Used to that."

Winnie "So there I was on a date in the woods right off the highway." Nick "In our community we consider that a sex trade."

Gabe "Oh--my head hurts." Valeska "That's what happens when you flamingo-bong a marguirita." Gabe "But it STILL hurts."

Henry "You have a boyfriend?" Gabe "He's right over there." Henry looks and then back confused. Gabe "He's not imaginary, he's on the other side of your wife." Herny "Oh. That's good to know."

Johnno "That kid can't STOP showing his tits!" RE: the 6 year old covered in beads.

How I Sleep

The weekends when we can stay together are the best. It's you and me in a full bed, arms over shoulders, hips attached to hips, fingers intertwined. Of course at some point we separate to the outer edges of the mattress but we always hook our feet into each others’--something always touching.

And in the brief lulls between the radio alarms, the struggle to stir and start the day, you sometimes roll into my back, your head against the slope of my neck as your arms encase me. I feel the little, light flutters of your eyelashes against the sensitive skin and I wonder what you're dreaming. Because I dream about you all the time.

My mind seems set on putting you in all the places of my life you weren't apart of. Suddenly you are with me in a tree in Boston as we watch Edie and Skylar play Frisbee on the edge of the Charles River, other times it's me at a party at Lizzie and Kelly's apartment back on Camarillo as I make my way past various friends and up to the rooftop deck and there you are on the landing in a toga. (This freaks me out because those were the times of Samuel and I but yet, when I see you, it's like the most profound thing in the world.)

Every other dream is like a 'Quantum Leap' except it's you just popping into all the things I have said and done and it should be weird or off setting but instead it is the most natural of things. You should be at Tumbleweed with me and Naomi and Ruby, you should be on the lawn playing badminton with my brother and of course you're in every forward look of my life as common place as furniture and walls and sky and air.

But the best part is when the dream pulls away and I don't want to wake up but there you are--a deep breath on my back, a weighted limb across my torso and suddenly all I want to do is make everything I dreamed for the future to be true and make sure that the all of my memories have you in them.

Quote of the Day

This is from Kelly in response to Valeska's question of how blunt to be with random Facebook person from past who would like to get more 'in touch' though they have not seen each other since 13 years old.

The man feeds his parrot cereal.

I think you could be as bitchy as you want and he'd still be just fine with it.

I agree with Kelly--he probably has a thicker skin they one might guess

Confessions

-- Sometimes making my bed is the only accomplishment of the day. I should probably feel bad about this but most people I know never make their bed so it's like I have an upper hand.

-- I feel weird about how I let 'Bridget Jones' Diary' make me feel so sloppy romantic. Every so often I freak out at how overly simple this makes me but then I have to wonder why being happy about a guy is some code for weakness.

-- When I wear a crazy outfit I expect someone to make a comment but instead they usually roll their eyes and never say anything. Sometimes I think this is par for most interaction with my core group.

-- I like trying with people who don't seem to like me because it makes them uncomfortable on some level. This is something I tend to do with certain past coworkers and present neighbor with a mixture of interest and curious and eagerness.

-- Facebook Ads always give me a moment where I debate what would happen if I did just run off to Canada? Jumped on a gay cruise? Tried a Christian dating site? Maybe someday I will do all three--who knows

Crazi Boi

I feel like I have ADHD at the moment. I am bored and bouncing and yet I don't want to work out or behave... What I really want is



But since this would defeat the purpose of working out--I would possibly like this



Except with me and the boy involved. But since that will not be happening either I could imagine I would enjoy this



Or this



Or this



Hopefully something can be worked out

Music Whore
Using song titles from one artist (your choice), answer the following questions and Share.

Artist: Missy Elliot

1. Are you a male or female? Hot Boyz

2. Describe yourself? I’m Really Hot

3. How do you feel about yourself? We Run This

4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend? Back in the Day

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation? Lose Control

6. Describe your current location? Get Ur Freak On

7. Describe where you want to be? Work It

8. Your best friend is? She’s A Bitch

9. Your favorite color is? Hot

10. You know that . . . Gossip Folks

11. What’s the weather like? The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called? Let Me Fix My Weave

13. What is life to you? . Shake Your Pom Pom

14. What is the best advice you have to give? Pass That Dutch

15. If you could change your name what would you change it to? Ching-A-Ling

For Jack

Copy the list below and replace the answers with your own, then tag [an arbitrary number of] people and the person who originally tagged you so they may see your answers. I tagged either fellow bookish types or those who recommended some of the books to me on this list.

1. One book that changed your life?
“Tales of the City”. It is a simple book but one that really moved me in ways I never expected. It not only had the weird magic of San Francisco or the pop culture trappings but was my first exposure to a great gay character in Michael ‘Mouse’ Tolliver which was a rarity in what I had read up to that point. It was also my first real exposure to the serial style format which included jumping from character with no main focus, unexpected storylines disappearing but then re-connecting much later but prepared me to read other serial styled authors like Charles Dickens much easier.

2. One book you have read more than once?
“Gone With the Wind”. It’s easy to make this novel be all about Scarlet and Rhett with curtain ball gowns and long sweeping staircases but that’s not why I need to reread this book once a year. It is a detailed and nuanced portrait of what happens when a society falls apart and really goes into the psyches that exist in such a situation—between Scarlet, Rhett, Melanie, and Ashley one is allowed to see and be exposed to the pathos of what we call society and what collapses in terms of morals, manners, expectations and emotions when society is gone. I still cry when I read the list of the dead because of how much you care about people and what they are fighting for. It’s not about what the North or the South stood for —it’s about people in time of crisis.

3. One book you would want on a desert island?
“Henry and June”. I think there is no other book-fiction or non-that makes me think about relationships like Anais Nin’s journal. Her beautiful language, her musings on creativity and sexuality, and the overall unique and universal understanding she has for love and lust, hunger and heartache is just so beautiful that to be able to read and reread it would quite fine with me.

4. One book that made you laugh?
Anything by essayist Michael Thomas Ford. I find his musings about life, sexuality, family and relationships to be quite funny. Whether it’s his multi essay attempt to live life like a porno flick, his musing about breaking up with his long term boyfriend or his explanation about how writers don’t write for art much as they write to not be caught slacking—he cracks me up.

5. One book that made you cry?
‘House of the Spirits’ is one of the most beautiful books I have ever read and makes me cry so many times through out the story. It’s has a sense of spirit and pathos strung together with such a musical and lyrical sense of prose that I can’t help be drawn in for days on end only to be deeply sad when the story does end. It has one of my favorite first lines of any novel and one that pops into my head fairly often.

6. One book you wish you had written?
‘Boy Meets Boy’ is the type of young adult book I wish there was more of. Not since Francesca Lia Block (of the Wheezy Bat series) has there been a writer so talented at creating their own world, their own style of prose and a unique feeling of existence. David Levithan has a handful of other books (‘Nick and Nora’s Infinite Play List’ among them) but this one still stands out as his best in creativity, emotion and depth. I wish I could paint the music like his characters seem to—or write like him some day.

7. One book you wish had never been written?
No such thing. I think all books have a place and audience. (Though if a gun to head—the fourth ‘Twilight’ book.)

8. One book you are currently reading?
‘Dr. Zhivago’ I have a crush on Russian literature currently and have been rereading all of the epic stories that I can. The only thing about this book that bothers me is I always only picture Omar and Julie as Yuri and Laura—damn that film!

9. One book you have been meaning to read?
‘Tropic of Cancer’. For some reason Anais Nin’s journal has made me much more interested in trying Henry Miller again. The few times I have tried to delve into his work I have found myself either very put out or bored by how dated it feels.

10. One book that was difficult to read?
‘Gravity’s Rainbow’ I will not get into my feelings about this book outside of that the scope of the story is so huge that I would have nightmares of keeping track of imagery, symbolism and characters. I should read it again—after I get back through all my Ayn Rand.

11. Favorite childhood book?
‘The Fox and the Hound’ was the only Disney film I was allowed to see as a child and this book was one of the last one’s my parents ever had to read to me. I still find myself thinking about Copper and Tod’s story and get a bit misty when I think about how it all ends. Yes it is an allegory for race relations but I love it to this day.

12. Popular book you have no desire to ever read? I have really tried with the following authors but just cannot get into their stuff--Stephen King, John Grishom and Danielle Steele. While they each had books I enjoyed, they seem to be dried out as artists. It worries me because it makes me feel out of touch with the mass markets.

Rory Hobby or Lists Lapointe

I have been trying to get myself back in schedule. Being unemployed can leave you at loose ends and being in full flush about a boy can leave you without any thoughts at all. (Besides him of course) But Edie and I ahve always had this theory that schedules really help keep a person going when they have nothing adult like a job.

It's not just about killing time but a lack of time gives you too much time to sit about and think about not having a job. That's the part that gets most in my head because after a certain point I just start feeling like a loser instead of enjoying the free time. So I have found it easier to keep moving as to not get bogged down a negative cycle when I know I am trying my best. Add to this that whenever I first get involved in a relationship I am in such a bliss spot that I kind of forget that I have things to do; keeping up with friends and family, working on my writing, not eating everything insight and possibly working out.

Which leads me to this past weekend with all it's drinking and smoking and social whirl I realized I needed to get things back in a perfect order. I have been so good about cutting back the smoking and might actually be close to being done, I have the ab lines started that I have always wanted but they're starting to fade, and I was just eating so much better. So I realized I needed to work on a better schedule of working out quite a bit more, making long needed phone calls to my nearest, more time with my patch when in social situtations and taking time to read more (less facebook and the nets) which, in turn, makes me inspired to write more.

I am also debating getting some new hobbies. I have always felt what mnakes people feel old is being bored and in a routine and that is the one thing I detest most in the world. So in this vein, I am making a list of things I would like to get started with during my free time so I can be well into it by my next job. Maybe learn how to cook meat properly, try and retake up painting for a bit, buy a kite kit to build and use in the park and even looking into doing some roller skating lessons. But the list is in flux and hopefully will be settled before my next job.

But my biggest goal is to be better here--with words and clips and pictures because I find when I let myself think I am boring I don't blog. But when i force myself to blog when bored I always find something new about myself. Which is a good hobby to have.

Art Is Awesome

Orca Or Aren't Cha?

I had the strangest dream last night. I am sure it is because of the reappearance of the patch but last night my mind was fixated on the idea of killer orca whales. Not just that-but that somehow I was in a fish themed horror movie and yet was aware I was in a fish themed movie. I spent most of my dream Cassandra like and trying to warn of impending doom at the hands of the Orca which led to my fellow fish food trying to convince me I was confusing the Orca's with a 'Jaws' film.

The most surreal moment was when I headed up to the beach cabins-with the only cute guy who believed me thus adhering to the horror film formula--and when we turned back we could see all the other people standing alongside a beach cliff where all the Orca had come up to be pet. I remember a chill running up and down my back as thought about how this was leading to a 'false sense of safety'.



The reason I knew this was a dream? I was on the island with Carly and Bobbie from 'General Hospital' except they played lesiban lovers instead of mother/daughter. I tried to ask about the lesiban/dolphin thing and they broke character to tell me they didn't know either. Weird

Focus Change, Twist the Kaleidoscope

I am very content today. It's weird--not because I don't like it--but mostly because I so often just touch the tip of this feeling. It's not just about the boy (though that helps) but all the little things that seem lined up today, in this one second of my life. It's about having Edie here for so long that it reminds me of why she is one of my best friends, it's about being on the cusp of several very good job leads and knowing that by trusting in my talents (as opposed to running around like a headless chicken) that waiting for the right job is paying off, it's about having great friends who make me smile even when they're driving me nuts.

I didn't even realize how good I felt until I made my way down the street for a soda and I just couldn't help smiling and walking with a slight bounce in my step. Life isn't perfect--I smoked this weekend, I ate a bit too much, I should have remembered to bring Raquel's birthday card and bought her a cocktail--but it is enough for me. I like this feeling and will try to remember it when I have my doubts and questions. Now that I know it is possible, i need to focus more on that goal.

Quote of the Day

This came from Johnno (the boyfriend) in response to me complaining about his snoring.

"baby take the compliment, you make me SHIVER with anticipation even when I'm unconcious"

Touche kiddo, touche.

Almond Branches in Bloom, San Remy, c.1890



I am not sure why but this picture has been in my head all day. Maybe it is the teal of the sky or the simple lines of the branches but I just find myself reflecting on this randomly.

Quote of the Day


"I am so beautiful, sometimes people weep when they see me. And it has nothing to do with what I look like really, it is just that I gave myself the power to say that I am beautiful, and if I could do that, maybe there is hope for them too. And the great divide between the beautiful and the ugly will cease to be. Because we are all what we choose. "

Margaret Cho's weblog, 03-23-06

For some reason this struck a chord

Unlikely Man Crush

Just watch


BOOMBOX from Ely Kim on Vimeo.

His name is Ely Kim. I think I am in love with him due to his dancing, his dedication and his music choice.

Awesome Dawson

Simple and New

I guess I have a story to share. Before I go there--I have not reviewed my blog to see what else I have said this far about Johnno--so this will be a clean slate of sorts. Because I think I have to start at the beginning if only to give myself structure for a million thoughts running in a million directions.

Johnno and I met on OkCupid.




Ok--that pause was for all my readers to get their snarky comments, anti-web dating complaints and various eye rolls, sighs and associated crap out of the way.

So Johnno and I met on OkCupid. He made sent me a nice interesting email and as someone who has spent time on many a dating website--for various reasons--it was quite novel to get something that seemed to have thought, proper spelling, and grammar all at the same time. After a few days I wrote back, after figuring out a million different ways to respond, and then ended up waiting but not waiting for a response.

Because one of things with on-line dating is that you get used to the weird 'he likes you to flirt but not enough to keep up the effort' so you just kind of go with the flow and if the conversation drives up then you know the person was not really interested. I had just about written Johnno off when he did respond with another longer, well though out and clever missive. He even apologized for being rude for taking so long which showed that he was polite as well.

We did the dance of verbiage back and forth for a while but not enough for me to place any serious stock in it. It was just nice to flirt and be flirted with and just was an extra bounce in my step as I went around with all the motions of holidays and parties and friendships. And he wasn't the only person I was talking with so when the emails stopped coming I wasn't throwing myself across beds or sofas tear streaked--I was just kind of bummed out.

It wasn't until the day before New Year's Eve that I even started to really focus on in on Johnno as someone I wanted to be more focused on. I was reading another guy's flirty email (BTW what is up with straight guys sending me emails? REALLY?!?) when I stumbled across Johnno's last message and reread all of our correspondence thus far. It bummed me out that it had been so long since I had heard from him and I even ended up mentioned it in a handful of conversations.

But what was odd was that VERY day he emailed for the first time in weeks. Johnno explained that he forgotten about my email due to the OK Cupid set up and being home for the holiday and was very apologetic and asked if I had an IM. I did but had taken it down years ago because chatting gets in the way of writing. But I realized that I did like him enough to make a bit more effort if even baby steps.
Now this is where I have to flash forward—because everyone knows how people fall into relationships--I don’t need to bore you with foolish nicknames and sappy songs and off color jokes and clever dialogue that person seems to think they have when stumbling towards dating. The one thing that took me by surprise was how often, and how eerily, Johnno and I would finish each other’s IM messages or make obscure points of reference which not only were caught but volleyed back with ease. We would easily spend 3 to five hours a day just chatting on-line from the first day we started to IMing.

This led to a date or two—which I have amply covered in previous posts—but what I neglected intentionally was how much in synch Johnno and I seem to be. I have never been with someone how could so easily complete my thoughts, who understood and even guessed where I was going before I got there. Someone who uses words like lexicon instead of dictionary or who gets me a Valentine’s Day gift that somehow is exactly the same IDEA that I gave him. I feel like my mind is being read and my heart being felt well before I can even articulate where and what and how I am.

And I won’t lie. It scares the hell out of me. I am not a romantic. I don’t give in or give up easily but somehow I don’t even feel those are options around Johnno. I have few qualms and the ones I do have are about timing and space and how I have to remember not to rush in or squish him with all of my feelings and words and music and touch. And this is not like me; I am the one who hangs back, rolls his eyes at the hokey and never gives in first and yet I have no need for any of that. If you told me that being asked to be someone’s boyfriend would make me teary—I would have asked if I was drunk when it happened.

And yet it did make me teary. And if I am honest with my feelings—without giving away too much—then I need to keep trusting and accepting what is happening. But it scares me because I don’t think I have ever been here before (Which sounds awful and terrible and unfair to Samuel but is truthful and real) and yeah it is early and we haven’t had our fights or our disappointments or our struggles but I have never been even close to this feeling before in my whole life.

But if this is what falling in love feels like then I have been doing it all wrong for years.




It’s just that simple.

Loser/Gainer

I have spent the last week with an unending case of hunger. I'm not sure what this is all about but I have been fighting the urge to eat everything not chained down. It isn't, as Lola suggested, some diet issue about food cravings and it isn't, as Edie suggested, anything to do with my workout plans, but something more.

Because I have been craving things I never want. Like I made myself go out in the pouring rain to get sour cream for chili. I don't like sour cream. I loath the texture and feel guilty about the idea of eating due to how unhealthy it is.

I have made myself hunt down cherry frosted Pop Tarts. Even though I don't like sweet things at all. Even though they can only be found in boxes of six which means I will have to eat the whole box. (eventually. not in a bing way) I even ate one untoasted which is a HUGE waste of a pop tart.

I can't figure out why I am doing this. Nothing in my life should make me feel this empty that all i can do is stuff tings down my throat. I'm on the edge of happy and it is just there for me to jump into.

Unless I'm trying to bulk up to weigh myself down for the pluge. So that if I trust enough to leap at happiness I will make damn sure I sink all the way into it.

Quote of the Day

From the Go Fuf Yourself Girls regarding the following picture



"enjoy standing that close to an Oscar honey, because that's as near as you're going to get to one, unless you break into Meryl Streep's house next time you're in the neighborhood."

It's not mean if it's true.

This Will Make Me Cry--Cause I Am So Excited

From Perez Hilton



Hello, Twilight effect?

The CW has reportedly picked up a pilot based on L.J. Smith's book series, Vampire Diaries.

The first book of the series was originally published in 1993.

The books revolve around a young lady who is torn between two vampire brothers, one good and the other evil.

The brothers battle for her soul, and the souls of her small town friends and family.

Would you watch?

I am so excited. This is one of my FAVORITE teen series ever and is so much better (I think) in style, plot, character and pacing than 'Twilight'. I don't even think I could leave the house if this show makes air!

Art Makes Me Wet

The raining is having a free fall this morning. Waking up, I hear raindrops in one ear as the other is still buried in my pillow and I debate what to do with my day. The best thing I can come up with is a bit of excitement at the idea of looking out the window—the park will bright and green with all the water. I like that.

One of my favorite things about the rain is how it makes everything and anything more important in Los Angeles. Like walking to 7/11 is an amazing feat. Going out dancing seems even more risky than normal. People look amazed when you show up places because you BRAVED the rain. It is suddenly like everything is so impressive and intense because of something that means nothing anywhere else in the country.

I think it just sums up Los Angeles. We care so much about art and being creative and ideas and looks and impressions more than anywhere else in the world. Sometimes that is shallow but sometimes I can’t help but love how excited my friends get at certain directors or certain shows at the Getty museum or how much they love to get dressed up. It is kind of key to who I am—interesting but unique to just one corner of the world.

Quote of the Day

From Chloe's blog of days past

"You always hope the mistakes you made with one person turn into successes with the next"

It's true. It is always about hope and faith and pushing to the next chance

I'm Not-But I Am

I recieved this on my FB page.



It turned me into a puddle. A puddle of sentimental goo...I am NOT a puddle!

And yet I am melted and sticking to the floor whenever I think about the gesture and what he means by it. Maybe I should just learn that being into this is okay. Because I am into this--fears, nerves, wetness and all.

Hope and Highland

So Saturday night happened. I finally met up with Johnno for our first 'real' date after all the on-line flirtations and Ims and story swapping. We were supposed to go to Hooters at Hollywood and Highland (because we is post modern gay boys) but were defeated by an unexpected line for Saturday night in Hollywood. (Obviously post modern does not equal smart.)

So instead we ended up at Mel's dinner where we managed to eat (something I had not been able to do all day) simple sandwiches and twisty fries between bouts of conversation. It was hard to make eye contact because it felt like (for myself) I was dodging around the tension and hope that had been brewing for the last week or so. I didn't want my desire (or my need) for us to be like we are with words and computers to be so obvious now that we were in the same space. And I couldn't tell if he felt the same or if he was just avoiding showing disappointment.

But we managed to survive a meal together without too much awkwardness and some endearing fumbles before Johnno and I headed out into the night. Somehow 'the Hooters/Hollywood is busy' vibe threw me off when it came time to find the next big thing to do and so instead of hitting up Snow White Cafe or maybe trekking over to Spotlight we ended up heading back to my neck of the woods. (Cause it was closer). The plan was to take Johnno over to the Starlight for drinks but I realized that it is a tough bar, a cash bar and a bar most likely to have my drunken roommate possible appear at. None of these options appealed.

So yeah-we stayed in at the Dollhouse. We listened to music and managed to break the ice between us over looks and hands touching and a million little spaces of sound and silence to move us through the evening. It was more than nice but less than amazing--if only because nice sounds cold and amazing sets the bar too high. But I am very hopefully that once I clean up my big mistake from that night that there just might be something more to be had. Not a relationship out of the gate but just the continuation of two people moving towards each other.

I just hope he might feel the same.

From Lucy--which is From Erika Lopez

"as i came out of The Abyss, i decided that if i was going to live and not die, then i would not just be resurrected as a consumer. i wouldn't just take up space and use up a lot of crap. i wanted to be a part of revolutionary change among the idealistic and optimistic. i wanted to take my anger and newfound enthusiasm and make happiness and peace and goodness AGGRESSIVE. i wanted to LOVE AGGRESSIVELY.

the picture of the 115 pound californian yoga teacher sitting on a mat in cool spandex didn't do a thing for me. it wasn't happiness porn.

but the idea of taking a running leap at anyone i love does look like happiness porn for me. and whoever rolls their fucking post postmodern eyes at me will get their tsk tsking little throat ripped out by my teeth.

la la la...

go have a good fucking day. go love someone loudly. and if they roll their eyes or say you're silly, tell them it's a shame they missed the best damn love of the day.

yeah. you all are fucking amazing. now go act like it before you die or someone else dies. be hostile with your affection. yeah. "

Ms. E. Lopez , my hero.

thanks lucy