Simple and New

I guess I have a story to share. Before I go there--I have not reviewed my blog to see what else I have said this far about Johnno--so this will be a clean slate of sorts. Because I think I have to start at the beginning if only to give myself structure for a million thoughts running in a million directions.

Johnno and I met on OkCupid.




Ok--that pause was for all my readers to get their snarky comments, anti-web dating complaints and various eye rolls, sighs and associated crap out of the way.

So Johnno and I met on OkCupid. He made sent me a nice interesting email and as someone who has spent time on many a dating website--for various reasons--it was quite novel to get something that seemed to have thought, proper spelling, and grammar all at the same time. After a few days I wrote back, after figuring out a million different ways to respond, and then ended up waiting but not waiting for a response.

Because one of things with on-line dating is that you get used to the weird 'he likes you to flirt but not enough to keep up the effort' so you just kind of go with the flow and if the conversation drives up then you know the person was not really interested. I had just about written Johnno off when he did respond with another longer, well though out and clever missive. He even apologized for being rude for taking so long which showed that he was polite as well.

We did the dance of verbiage back and forth for a while but not enough for me to place any serious stock in it. It was just nice to flirt and be flirted with and just was an extra bounce in my step as I went around with all the motions of holidays and parties and friendships. And he wasn't the only person I was talking with so when the emails stopped coming I wasn't throwing myself across beds or sofas tear streaked--I was just kind of bummed out.

It wasn't until the day before New Year's Eve that I even started to really focus on in on Johnno as someone I wanted to be more focused on. I was reading another guy's flirty email (BTW what is up with straight guys sending me emails? REALLY?!?) when I stumbled across Johnno's last message and reread all of our correspondence thus far. It bummed me out that it had been so long since I had heard from him and I even ended up mentioned it in a handful of conversations.

But what was odd was that VERY day he emailed for the first time in weeks. Johnno explained that he forgotten about my email due to the OK Cupid set up and being home for the holiday and was very apologetic and asked if I had an IM. I did but had taken it down years ago because chatting gets in the way of writing. But I realized that I did like him enough to make a bit more effort if even baby steps.
Now this is where I have to flash forward—because everyone knows how people fall into relationships--I don’t need to bore you with foolish nicknames and sappy songs and off color jokes and clever dialogue that person seems to think they have when stumbling towards dating. The one thing that took me by surprise was how often, and how eerily, Johnno and I would finish each other’s IM messages or make obscure points of reference which not only were caught but volleyed back with ease. We would easily spend 3 to five hours a day just chatting on-line from the first day we started to IMing.

This led to a date or two—which I have amply covered in previous posts—but what I neglected intentionally was how much in synch Johnno and I seem to be. I have never been with someone how could so easily complete my thoughts, who understood and even guessed where I was going before I got there. Someone who uses words like lexicon instead of dictionary or who gets me a Valentine’s Day gift that somehow is exactly the same IDEA that I gave him. I feel like my mind is being read and my heart being felt well before I can even articulate where and what and how I am.

And I won’t lie. It scares the hell out of me. I am not a romantic. I don’t give in or give up easily but somehow I don’t even feel those are options around Johnno. I have few qualms and the ones I do have are about timing and space and how I have to remember not to rush in or squish him with all of my feelings and words and music and touch. And this is not like me; I am the one who hangs back, rolls his eyes at the hokey and never gives in first and yet I have no need for any of that. If you told me that being asked to be someone’s boyfriend would make me teary—I would have asked if I was drunk when it happened.

And yet it did make me teary. And if I am honest with my feelings—without giving away too much—then I need to keep trusting and accepting what is happening. But it scares me because I don’t think I have ever been here before (Which sounds awful and terrible and unfair to Samuel but is truthful and real) and yeah it is early and we haven’t had our fights or our disappointments or our struggles but I have never been even close to this feeling before in my whole life.

But if this is what falling in love feels like then I have been doing it all wrong for years.




It’s just that simple.