Its Not Hot-Its Heat

Kirby and I met up at my show because she was doing something in the area and we had already made plans to do something else that night. So I jumped in her car and we took off through Hollywood to swing by a friends house to grab her phone.

Imagine our surprise when we come down a pretty big street (not sure which) and there four cop cars blocking the intersection and the sidewalks PACKED with cops and neighbors? At first we thought it was an accident but then three more cop cars pull up behind us and the street is effectively blocked off.

Cops behind us the jump out of their cars and get the shotguns (!!!) out of their trunk and come running right pass the car and down to the intersection. It was just like that movie 'Heat'--but without Val Kilmer with a machine gun.

Of course me and Kirby being us--we leaned up through the sunroof and took pictures of the cops running down the street and texted everyone in our phones. That is until the cops forced us to drive over the sidewalk and down a side street to not be in 'danger's way.'

(All I could think was--hot cop I want to be in danger! Save Me !!!!)

What's even funnier is that Kirby and I have no idea what was going on and didn't see or hear anything on the news. But at least we can say we were part of a gun battle which will look great for our bios.

If It Had A Theme—What Would It Be?
Current mood: Empowered

If It Had A Theme—What Would It Be?

So I had a very gay weekend—okay I can hear the comments from cyberspace already so just shut up—and found myself at a end by the end of it. It started simply enough with the end of my current job and no real plans to celebrate the occasion due to people either out of town, leaving town or other social obligations. So I decided to grab a bottle of wine and some DVDs and just send some time being chill.

(Random side note—whenever I get something new whether it is a cd or a book or dvd I have a compulsion to use said object right away. Nonetheless this means at any giving time I have a stack of novels, mix cds or films waiting to be watched.)

So I sorted through the DVDs and decided that instead of finishing 'Wonderfalls' or 'Queer As Folk' (season one) I would watch the first episode of 'Noah's Arc'. Not the short lived ABC family show but the gay sitcom from the Logo channel about a group of Black gay friends living in Los Angeles and I fell in love with the quirky characters and sense of fun and whimsy.

But after I plowed through the entire first season (yeah—it's that good) I got depressed. There is something about watching a show about a life that you have no part of that can make you crazy. I mean—as I watched the romantic trials and tribulations of Noah and the boys I started wondering why I never had that life. I always thought I would when I was a teen as I read all the 'Tales of the City' books, when I watched 'Beautiful Thing', when I would scour all the random websites about the different gay grottos of New York and Los Angels and Minneapolis. But I never have.

Part of it is my own fear, my shyness, my inability to be fully comfortable within my own skin. But in order to try and get over this claustrophobic feeling I am trying a new train of thought. It was spurred by two separate things recently said to me—one was an e-mail of Buddhist (or was it Zen?) school of thought which broke down to—'get over yourself, you're not that important'. The second was an old saying that my Nana told me—that when you are in a room with 10 new people it always breaks down like this—2 people will love you, 2 people will dislike you and the other 6 won't give a shite. Live like you're always dealing with the other six.

So what I have decided is to not only to listen and learn from both those saying but to take them as a call to action. That from here on out I am going to live my life as if I was that person I always thought I should be. That I will go out more—with friends or by myself—that I will get on the dating thing starting small with on-line stuff and seeing where that goes. To try and become my own star because there's no reason not to.

Hopefully this will involve a lot of new lot of new experiences. Bad dates, better outfits, drunken dancing, new advice column, more fun learning new things and taking myself out of the comfort zone. To put Carrie Bradshaw to shame, to make like Noah and get on with, and to make Mouse proud. There's gonna be a new blog involved with this to help push myself even harder.

I think the new opening is coming up and its time for this lead character to get on with it.

How Dumb Can You Be?

So my current show is ending and I have already started to line up another one which is good...very good... But what I hate is when you ask for the info and there's no following through on it... Especially when new jobs for me hinge on key elements such as location... But I hate getting into the details of how I don't drive--most people look at it as a major weakness--but it works for me on all levels. I can get anywhere and do most anything... But I need info to make that choice as to whether I can stay at a job...

So with this in the back of my head--I started talking to other people about wok leads... Plus I could pass off some of the new leads to Nolan since he is looking too so it's a win/win. Until you e-mail someone about job leads who is working at the new show you are SUPPOSED to be doing so they call you FREAKED OUT thinking that you are blowing off the job. So then you seem like an idiot or flakey so then you have to mull over which is worse... Full disclosure or confusion.

Le sigh. Life is not this hard. It's me being stupid or insecure I guess.

Rocky Interviews Me

We know the game--if you want me to interview you--comment away.

1 - You are on a yacht with 5 people - who are they and why?

Okay--hmm--hard one. I think it would be Michael Dawson, Dylan Drazen, David Levithan, Mom and Edie.

Michael Dawson was the first boy I was ever involved with and it was a complicated and stormy tenage affair that in some ways still effects me to this day--I have many questions for him for my own peace of mind.

Dylan Drazen is one of the few people in my life that I have actively done wrong and I would like the chance to reconnect and make admends. I don't know if he would ever understand what i did but I would like a chance to make it up.

David Levithan is one of my favorite authors of ten lit ever and writes in such a smart and beautiful way--I'd like to try and understand where he gets his muse from.

My mom because i love her and would love to be able to talk with her about everything away from all the stuff that gets between us like real life. She has a lot to impart and I need to take the time with that.

And Edie to get drunk and dress up with. She's really good at that.



2 - What is the title to the New York Times article you write, and what is it about?


'I Was A Fat Bulimic' and it would be about the misconceptions regarding what is a eating disorder and how it doesn't mean painfully skinny girls but rather all types of people.


3 - Describe the perfect accessory.


The perfect accessory would be the perfect pair of sunglasses. Eye care is important and should be sexy and well fitting.


4 - If you had to pick your lowest low, when would that be and what triggered it? Do you feel foolish now for letting that get to you?


My lowest low--that's a hard one to pick. I think it would me begging someone out of my past for an acceptence that they would never giv me. I still wonder why I was deemed unworthy but it has been said to me any times since that I was unworthy of the entire situtation in the first place.


5 - If you could be anyone, who would it be and why?
I would stay myself. I already know the lay of the land and am comfortable with who I am. I don't need much more than that. (Though I would think being Justin Timberlake would be fun for a night.)

Rories Wobble

It is six months—almost to the hour—of when Samuel and I ended. Not broke up—that happened over the days and weeks afterwards with drama and phone calls and sex and too many words. Useless words as it turns out—words that better writers than us would have edited out of the story, the script. But six months ago is when I knew that things were over.

That all that we had been working towards, building towards, making allowances for had been in vain. That he was leaving, that I couldn't make him stay, that for all of the best reasons and the worst of emotions we had reached the finale. No goal or end result. Just an end.

And so I made a deal with myself. I could have six months to work through it. Six months to get over all of the moments and the memories and the missteps. To take a deep look at myself and see where I went wrong. That I could only examine myself in all of this—that I could try to understand where he was coming from but how many of us can do that. No one really can.

So I spent my days on ledges, sometimes the constant bitch, my own Margo Channing storming the stage, sashsaying down staircases, being smug and demanding and mean. The half of the time I was Mrs. Habersham, in my moth-eaten wedding dress, speaking of sad love gone away, pacing the interiors of my mind. I took myself to task.

I wondered if I loved enough, did enough, changed enough, was fair enough, believed enough…. Whether I was ever really there in the moment or just watching from the sidelines and waiting to see how the story ends. I do that more often than not and while it makes my wit, it also makes me aloof. But I came to certain realizations

That I am not a lover—at least not in the Dante's meaning of the word. I am not some wide eyed romantic, I don't long for the wooing, I don not take much delight in the first bite of the apple. That when it comes to being in love—I don't pursue it. I don't live for it the way some do. I don't need to be married or have the family or the whirlwind of courtship or any of a million things that a million people more than I could count. It's not who I am.

I am sure that part of this is from the grab bag of emotion weirdness I grew up in; that all the little things that brought me through childhood shaded and coloured how I would always view relationships. This is not to say I that I push away love—I'm more like Drew Barrymore in 'Never Been Kissed'; I live on the pitcher's mound, I am waiting and meeting love half way and the timer hasn't even started yet.

It may not be the best start but it is the one that I am best at. So when I wake up tomorrow I'm going to allow myself to be over it. That all this stuff I have been holding on to gets pushed out finally. It's not perfect and I'm going to force myself. But now it's time to wobble—not fall down.

From Piper's blog.



"the thing is, happiness isn't that hard, or rather it shouldn't be that hard."

It moves me in the moment.

Unexpected Delights

Last night was rather nice. I was a litle depressed because of the situtation with my mom and sister--due to circumstance we weren't able to meet up again before they headed back to Boston and I was feeling guilty about the whole affair. I think things could have been better if I knew sooner they were coming and so i could have cleared my schedule better but it was not to be. Instead I was able to head out to drinks with Lizzie, Bess, Shelly and Joy over at Mexacalli.

It was nice to get some face time with the girls that I don't see enough. I got to hear a rather funny story about Shelly's trip up north, make plans to go out tonight with Lizzie Bess and Shelly for a film and get to catch up a bit with Joy. Later I headed out to Match where I was able to meet up with Valeska, Kelly and Johnny as well as some of Valeska's friends. It was also important for me to touch bases with kelly about some things and it seems everything is good in the world.

It's nice to go out and just have a fun and laid back night for a change. It was unexpectedly delightful and something i need to try and do more of.

I Am A Paper Cup-Coo Coo Ca Choo

I think 31 is the year that will break me. So much has happened and so fast and unexpected in means and fallout that I spend a portion of my time just being flummoxed. And its not like any one thing will set of this feeling but rather all the conditions have been a bit stormy. Which leaves me at a loss.

My Vegas trip from two weekends ago was mostly good for private time with my girls. What I wasn’t anticipating was how weird everyone has been in some form or another. There were hives and tears and confessions and laughter and drunkenness that lead to places I could have packed luggage for. And most of the turmoil was inner. I had a moment when out to dinner when I just wanted to be anywhere other than where I was, to throw my glass against a wall and storm out to cry alone. I don’t think I have felt that drained and raw in so long. Much worse than anything post college. But I pushed through and managed to get myself under control.

Then my sister and mom came to visit which was nice but bittersweet and left me feeling as selfish as could be. There is something about a four year old you have never met giving you love and tears and attention that can make you feel like the biggest heel to have ever lived. So I wonder if I am not a good person for making more of an effort but I also have never been met half way on the subject so I am even more at a loss.

I just feel like I have been falling flat as of late. As a friend to those who are in need, as a son and brother to those who want me, as a person of interest in the romantic sense. It’s just so draining to feel as if I am so lost. I dream of fog and shadows and running through them calling out for something unknown.

I know I am being too hard on myself but I can’t seem to stop at the moment.

Amazing Moments of Empowerment Only Come After Heartbreaking Disappointment When Shallow Narcissistic Comparisons With People Who Have No Clue How Close to the Edge One of Their ‘Closest’ Friends is Living.

TBD

Here's My Weekend; Bulletin Points Style

Friday

Missed the movie in Westwood for work. Besides staying late for a new hire and being stood up, I was called by boss ten minutes after getting home which lead to me doing 45 minutes of work from home. (Fun)

Since I was depressed about missing the film I decided to have some drinks and watch 'The Way We Were'. This lead to me being drunk, crying briefly at the end and leaving a drunken message for Samuel. (Good times.)

I have been watching Jaq's cat while she is in Europe working. Her apartment (across from mine) is next to the managers and I was visiting with said cat when I got a knock on her door at 230 in the morning. I opened the door to find a drunken neighbor looking for the managers because two of her friends were arguing with one of the new neighbors. (A bit scary)

I went back with new girl (Michelle) to help with the fight situation after the managers didn't open their door. Turns out that two of her guy friends were making out and the new neighbor was upset about it and they were all fighting. I watched for a bit and everyone calmed down and Michelle invited me in for drinks. I was drunk so I went. (Why not?)

Saturday

Woke up in bed with Galen; new neighbor Michelle's friend. (He would be the other gay guy--not part of the couple.) This is incredibly funny and awkward and led to conversations about names and tattoo. (Very hung over)

Galen left me hung over in bed. I did yoga and drank almost a gallon of water before heading out to get my hair cut since I might not have time in the next week or two before mom comes to visit. I also try to figure out if I will be capable of drinking at Joy's party. (Ambitious)

Party is wonderful. Willis is there for quite a bit and we get to talking. Lola briefly gets teary, Edie gets drunk and dances on the banquet, the music is quasi-lame, Vedder pays for almost everyone's drinks, and I manage a bit of time and space with all involved. And tipsy! (Committed.)

Sunday

Some of us ended up at an after-hour club post Joy's party. The "club" is a hole in the wall time house run by Jamaicans and is quickly nicknamed the ganja house for we have to smoke our cigarettes in the yard but pot is fine anywhere in the house. The party posse at this point is Nolan, Dominic, Vedder, Edie (the four of whom are wasted) as well as Lola and I. We are the only white people there for the first few hours and are very unpopular since our friends cheer whenever someone comes in. (Mortified.)

Lola and I decide that the kids need to get some food so we talk them to Denny's. Edie is slowly sobering up and labels the three drunken boys dead weight. Vedder calls a cab and disappears before food. I steal everything of the table because it's funny. Nolan throws up in the bathroom. I don't eat at Denny's because am trying to drop as much weight as possible before mom comes to visit. (Hungry)

Wake up five hours after getting home to head out shopping with Valeska and Kelly in Beverly Center. Discover H & M. Discover how much I can spend at H & M. Fall in love with random jacket at Planet Funk. Realize that I need said jacket. Come home with about four bags of clothes. (Expensive and fashionable.)

Hung out with Kelly back at her house. I slept on her floor. Talked about how excited we are for Vegas. Became very excited about Lucy and Chloe coming down from San Fran to Vegas since we haven't seen them in over two years. (Excited, excited, excited.)

Came home to do laundry and have message from Galen on land line. Called him back to find out he is wondering if I found a black American Express card in my room. I tell him no and am a little offended that he thinks I am some trick that would steal shit but don't say anything since I was a trick enough to get drunk and just wake up in bed with him even if we didn't have sex.


Galen then tells me about how the gay couple from Friday night had just met and that he thinks one of them (Dan—not Danny which is the other guy's name) used his card in Long Beach. I then hear long story about Dan lives in a halfway house after getting out of rehab which was court enforced so Galen isn't mad because Dan probably needed the money since he was most likely kicked out after spending all night with us at Michelle's.

I feel a bit better and Galen asks when he can see me and I ask why and he makes fun of me. 'I'm trying to be nice to you. I would like you to not think I accuse every guy I meet of steal shit. I'm not Richard Gere. I'd like to take you on a proper date.' I say I have to call him back. (Unsure)

Then I watch 'Brothers and Sisters' then call Edie for advice but differ on doing anything about Galen yet. I finish my laundry and go to bed. (Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy)

Questions from The Teen Dream Machine...


What in the hell are you doing for a job currently? Working with Nolan on a new television about fat people and surgery. It makes me stay away from candy. Sweet, sweet candy.

You have one day left to life. You can go anywhere in the world. Where do you go? What do you wear? I would head to ... Cairo to see the pyramids of Gaza. It would be hot so I would probably been in a linen jumpsuit so I don't die. Or dressed like Brendan Fraiser in 'The Mummy'.


What experience has taught you the most in the last year? Heartbreak tends to make your reexamine your life and what it is you really want and the hows and whys of what you didn't get. So yeah—Samuel and I ending was the lesson.


In 45 words or less, why is LA actually a fun town to live in? Everyday there is a moment of undeniable beauty—the houses light up the hills like a hundred Christmas lights, the feeling of warm breezes and music and friends as you drive along the beach, the fact that it is so wide and spread open. It's so blue, green and sun kissed.

Why do people bitch about psydo-celebs and then still read tmz.com and all other such blogs/Entertainment Tonight? Simply? People are hypocritics. They just are—every time someone says to me "Paris is an idiot, what has she done?" my response is always the same. She has done something—she's making you talk about her, care about her, hate he. You want her to go away? Then just stop talking about her, thinking about her, reading about her. You have the power.



Per the rules of the interview game, here is how you play along:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions, so make sure I have your email address. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Fight Ignorance

Al Interviews Rory: Rory tells all!

What is your one Guilty pleasure? Hmm—depends on who you talk to… I think it would be that I reread my soap opera books when really drunk in order to sober up. But most of my past 'sexes' might disagree with that.

When you first meet a guy what is the one thing he can do that would totally turn you on? Hmm—talk to me about classic literature—especially Jane Austen. Or sing to me which is rather odd.

You must eat one of the following everyday for the rest of your life; choose one- Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches, pizza, or cold cereal? Jesus—this hard because I really dislike most of the above…. So I will have to go for pizza though it would have to have jalepenos and stuffed crust.


Put these qualities in order of importance to you?- Good Looks, Good Manners, Good Taste, Good Job, Good Car, Good Temper, and Big Brains. Good manners, good temper, big brains, good job, good taste, good looks.

Please complete? "The Worst thing that I have seen, done or heard is." The Worst thing that I have seen, done or heard is --what you did last night. I know and it's WRONG!



Kaylee is Nosy!


Would you rather give up primetime TV or soap operas? Ask me after they decide whether or not there will be a season four of 'Veronica Mars'. I think that will be the game changer.

If you could have one 'do-over' in your life, what would you do differently? I wouldn't have been such a bitch to Dylan Drazen. To this day I feel like shite about what I did and allowed my friends to do to him.

What is one thing you definitely wouldn't change, despite what other people might say or have said? I wouldn't change anything ever. Don't like it? Fuck off.

Seriously, why don't you like chocolate? I just don't have a sweet tooth. At all. Like I can't stand Coke cause it's too sweet.

What accomplishment are you most proud of? I spent one summer teaching at a camp and there was this one kid Andrew. He spent the first part of the summer spitting and yelling and hitting people so none of the counselors wanted to deal with him. I agreed to spend a little time everyday with him and telling jokes and explaining what he was doing wrong and asking him about why. He seemed to get better but was still very stand-offish with most people. But the last day of that summer Andrew refused to leave camp until he said good bye and he cried the whole time which made me cry.



Joy is Funny

Will Carly and Sonny ever end up back together? This is so chicken or the egg. The real question is—will I care one way or the other? Probably not.

What social setting are you most comfortable in? I am comfortable wherever there is music, booze and night breezes.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Because my life is like a Hitchcock film and I am Tippy Headdren in a phone booth at all times.

It's hot outside, your air conditioning is broken, and it's just intolerably hot inside. How do you spend the day? I would do some yoga to work out the toxins in a hardcore way.

For what reason are you big in Japan? (I know you have that on a hat or shirt) Ralph Macchio and I made a film back in the late 80s. Let's just say it's quite popular and gives a whole new meaning to 'wax on, wax off'.

Per the rules of the interview game, here is how you play along:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions, so make sure I have your email address. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

These Are From My Darling Miss Lucy--Interview style.

Do you use the alias' for people you know in your blog to protect
the innocent?

I could honestly care less about the innoncent--it's more about keeping the troublemakers safe... I mean--a lot of people read my blog who don't have any idea what the alias' stand for which means their first thought upon meeting Edie in reality isn't about how I say she dresses like a drag queen or that Tommy drinks like Betty Ford in the 70's.

How do you decide what name to use for each person?

There is a weird process I go through with the names that varies from person--Lucy's name comes from a short story the real Lucy wrote in which the main character was very self reflective... Chloe's name comes from the fact that Chloe Sevingy played Mona Ramsey in 'Tales of the City' and real life Chloe is my own Mona.

Then there are some people's name that are just variations of their real names and some who even were able to name themselves. (this doesn't even begin to address the fact that multiple have different names for different reasons such as I wanna talk shite or keep a secert for them.

Did you drink the water in the river of 'It's A Small World" in
Disneyland? You did, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?!?

Some of my best fashion inspiration comes from the fact that I ALWAYS drink the water at 'It's a Small World'. This ride is responsible for many fashion movements as well as Gwen Stefani's hit 'Wind It Up'.

Cheez Whiz or Velveta?

To eat? Velveta.... For other? Cheez Whiz for sure!

Does your mom read your blog?

My mom sure does read my blog and always tries to guess who's who. And she's really worried about that slut Gabe. Which is quite funny don't ya know!?

Per the rules of the interview game, here is how you play along:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions, so make sure I have your email address. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Apple Pie? Yes Please!

I don't know if this is blog worthy but I just realized that I love farmers. I should move somewhere where the farming industry is based. Like Minnesota. Or Georgia. That overalls are hot and sexy. That most any man can look good on a tractor. It's so All-American

I think I am losing my mind.

Whatever You Want It To Be

So this past weekend was crazy. As Chloe said—I shouldn’t feel bad for not keeping it written down because I have been out and living it. That said—it’s been a bit topsy turvy in everyway possible.

Friday was weird because of work. Not good o bad but the same old thing but it ended on a weirdly melancholy note. See—for most of this show (like all reality shows it seems) I have been paired off with a single editor for all of my episodes. Flynn and I have had a pretty nasty and interesting working relationship because we’re good at what we do and unable to let anyone else be as good which has led to name calling, trash talking and door slamming. But we have also been pretty damn solid with our episodes which makes all the nastiness worthwhile.

But of course—just as we reached a workable groove between us Flynn decided that it was time for him to run off and start a new show. So we spent Friday tying up the loose ends and just spiffing up our shows. And I have to admit I was kind of sad about him leaving, so sad I gave him a bottle of Jack and shoved him out the door. But maybe I’ll get someone better—maybe even cute.

Bummed out that night I spent the first night of the weekend cleaning and straightening things for Kaylee’s first visit. Since she is moving in the spinster’s old room I have been doing my neurotic cleaning and touch ups that make my place look ever so swank. And I made a list of needed things to make it look even swanker. Exciting eh?

I started my Saturday bright and early because I am a good person and offered stupidly to help Valeska cart her stuff to the former address of Ali and Renny. This was selfless and stupid because I should have slept in but instead was up at ass crack (10:00) with Edie and making our way slowly around the town. But the packing went well with some good help and Valeska and the boy seemed quite happy about the whole thing. I was happy that Kelly and I got to do the lunch run so I could eat something that I wanted too as opposed as to what would be the easiest thing for the group.

But in the midst of moving I received three phone calls from Naomi—my friend from back in the teaching/camp days with Ruby and Irene. She and I usually meet for lunch or a film every few weeks and talk a couple times in between but I had never had her call e like this. I assumed she was upset and called her post moving to see what was up. Without giving away to many details of her story it turns out that her mom’s cancer is back in a major way, she has decided to move out of Los Angeles and end her six year relationship with her bad boyfriend. (I am very happy about the last one.)

We spent most of the evening out getting her drunk and crying and talking about things and reasons and scenarios involving the boyfriend and the mother and a million happy things. She bought a new awesome outfit to be single in and pillows for her first real apartment in ages and she almost cut her off at the mall beauty salon until I pointed out that it was a mall beauty salon. Empowerment only goes so far.

Of course then we had dinner and the drunken high abated and the reality of what was going on hit and Naomi grew kind of ragged. At this point we called her sister to come meet us so Naomi would calm down. It took a while to meet up with her but during that time we talked for reals about what was going to have to happen next. Of course during this time EVERYONE ELSE—or so it seemed—managed to text me about what was the plan for that night. Kelly, Tommy, Kaylee, Edie…they each texted me multiple times during a very tough conversation but it did amuse Naomi to no end so it did serve a purpose.

After meeting up with the sister and helping out by driving Naomi’s car back to the house and then the sister dropping me at my house I quickly changed and headed down to Match and proceeded to hang out as Dominic and Tommy got shitfaced while Kaylee and I got buzzed and Kelly and Johnny just seemed amused. We then headed back to Kelly/Johnny’s and even invited Edie and Bradley to join us for more cocktails and conversation. I had a few too many Jack and Gingers—I forgot how good yet strong the are—and we all headed home kind of late.

I then woke up four hours later to head out the door again—this time to 6 Flags with Kelly, Johnny and Tony. (I can’t really complain about this one at all.) We managed to hit all the major rollercoaster by 1:30 which was awesome compared to the last time I was there and I even discovered why I flip out the thought of the rollercoaster. The stupid safety harnesses make me claustrophobia and that’s what scares me—I could give a rat’s ass about hills and turns but the idea of being stuck in the harness makes me hyperventilate.

Mystery solved and homeward bound, I spent the car ride back from 6 Flags thinking about all the things I would do like laundry and cleaning and bills but instead I slept for an hour or two. (Or three) But Sunday did lead me to get something down—and by something I mean showing Kaylee the apartment and the bedroom and making sure she wanted in. Which she does and so now Edie and I have the latest roommate (Recast number 8) but now we have to get Mrs. Garrett to firm up her last day in the apartment. I may have to drive her out.

Which should be a series of blogs—right?

Quote of the Week

"Seriously, raidining her closet could only make you butcher'

Samuel regarding the news of Kaylee moving in.

A Revelation, Not a Rationalization.

I have spent a lot of time making excuses for others and myself. I had allowed myself to be too easily hurt by accusations instead of facts—I consistently questioned my own behavior instead of trusting my judgment. I wanted to make things simple and happy and civil and respectful.

But then I had a huge turning point this past week. I was upset about things, all sorts of things and just beating myself up. It wasn’t until an unlikely source pointed out the obvious—that I was giving too much credit to someone who didn’t deserve it, nobility to someone being selfish. That I needed someone outside of the situtatution to look at it and say clearly—this is fucked up. He is fucked up. You’re fucked up for accepting any of this.

Her arguments made sense. She is right that I have been so busy with my heads in the clouds, idolizing things and places and people that I have lost any perspective. That I have being making excuses for the things I don’t like instead of just saying—this sucks. You suck. Over this.

It was what I needed to hear. What I need to know.


Thanks Miss Janie

Crying Isn't Professional.

I have to remind myself that I do not have to let myself gt worked up about certain things. I knew this would happen eventually and that I would be told but it still hurts to know that it did actually happen. I'm being foolish.

Hiding in the bathroom at work doesn't help.

Fan Meet Shite, Shite Meet Fan

So I went out Monday night with Miss Edie. We hadn't seen each other much this weekend and decided to run errands together and catch up at the same time. As we were leaving Edie got a phone call from Tommy and we decided since we were in his neighbor that we should get coffee. His response? 'Fuck coffee--let's get a drink.'

We met up a bit later at CVS while I bought hair dye and they wander around looking at hair dyers. I made some purchases and tried to find something to snack on since I had not eaten anything since 2 in the afternoon and it was 9:30 already. Edie and Tommy were willing to try and find a bar with food but I knew that Tommy really wanted to head to Pineapple Hill so I said I would be fine.

Now I should know better than to ever drink on an empty stomach but I figured a bloody Mary would be fine. Now since Tommy and Edie hadn't caught up in a while I just sat there and nursed my drink as they talked about everything that happened in their lives in the past month. Without even realizing it I finished my first drink and was on my second before they had even caught their breath.

Of course--since both Tommy and Edie are enablers so they either bought my drinks or convinced me I should have another till i was about 5 drinks in and feeling quite fine. Then Tommy bought me a shot which was quite yummy and I was definately feeling buzzed and jumpy.

I kept looking around the bar and bouncing in my seat as they continued to talk about stuff. I knew I was feeling pretty tight but figured my water intake was helping to balance things out. As I tuned out the conversation around me I was shocked when someone familiar stumbled into the bar. Maybe it was fate, luck or chance but Chance himself was in Pineapple Hill.

Yes--Chance--the Big Brother co-worker, past summer crush, and the man responsible for the most romantic night ever in my life (Hey Joy--remember that?). That Chance had just strolled into Pineapple Hill and I about lost my shite to the amusement of both Tommy and Edie. After a quick show of hands it was decided that I "had" to go talk to him because I "needed" to see what was up. I waited till his friend (female friend) drifted away and I swooped in all casual.

He seemed pleasantly surprised to see me and gave a me a nice hug. I sat down with him and we talked about what was going on in our lives--mostly work and Big Brother and how we were both out of there for good. He was goofy and charming and just like I remembered and I was trying to be the same.

It might have worked but i almost burst when he told me that the reason he was at Pineapple Hill was that he was neighbors! That he no longer lived so far away but up the street and around the way. I was so excited I almost fell of my stool and we talked about how we should hang out more and soon. And I should have left then but I didn't want to leave him at the bar alone.

So I kept talking with him but as I did I slowly realized how drunk I was. Like I could feel the booze flowing in my bloodstream and then I became paraniod that I might be sloppy or slurring my words. So I tried to exit as gracefully as I could when his friend came back up. We said bye and that we would talk soon.

I came back to my table where an amused Tommy and Edie waited. I asked why they let me go over there and they laughed it off. I wanted to sink into the floor but then Chance poked his head around the corner and said 'bye' with a little jaunty wave. I melted a bit.

I now wonder what to do--part of me wants to try and get together with him as friends and just hang out but another part of me thinks I fucked up by being drunk. And Tommy and Edie were no help--they evene ended up buying all my drinks.

Quote of the Month

From Kaylee--just because

In all my experiences of unrequited love, I've never actually told the person I liked them. And I think I figured out why. I think what makes unrequited love so appealing, is it's because it's a false risk. I think when you're deep in unrequited love, you somehow know it's unrequited. So even though there's the fake 'what if he feels the same way' game, you know deep down he doesn't. So there's not really a risk.

It's easy to be passionate about someone on a superficial level when there's nothing really to lose. As I've just started to realize, it's a whole other thing when someone does return feelings for you, because then it's real and messy and uncomfortable because there are real emotions at stake. It's so easy to be passionate and dramatic when you're playing make believe in your head.

I think on some level, people choose unrequited love over real love, because it's easier. Because even though they may long for someone, the hurt isn't coming from another person. It's self-inflicted, so it's easier to bear. There's no fear of rejection, because you're never really putting yourself out there. You can be vulernable without being vulnerable.

It sounds weird, but I think it's true. And it also explains why I would constantly go after guys I knew deep down didn't feel the same way. It's easier to cry about someone you think you can never have because you never put yourself out there, than cry over someone who actually did reject you. Problem is, can't find real love if you hide behind unrequited love.

Rap’s Delight?

Now for something new.

Imagine you are invited to a hip hop night at a bar where a good friend works—there’s even a postcard/posting on myspace with DJ/MC names. You get dolled up with several of your friends—you bring your ghetto pass—and hit the establishment early and start your drinking earlier. But when the DJ starts to warm up the crowd with unheard hip hop songs that are akin to muzak and then announces that the event will begin and some dude goes up and grabs the mic to rap ala ‘8 Mile’---how do you think the night went?

Please give your best recap below.

The Play’s The Thing

So Thursday night I threw on a tie/cardigan and stepped into the past sans DeLoren to head back to high school. Ruby teaches drama at a private school in Hollywood and asked if I wanted to come and see their production of ‘Mid-Summer’s Night Dream’. Now I love Shakespeare so much—I minored in it—but I have a low threshold of bad performances of even the good plays much less the 2nd tier ones.

It was weird for me to be sitting around a quad with the girl’s field hockey team while Kirby and I waited for Heath to join us so we could get our tickets. I never really liked or disliked high school that much but always thought I was a bit too mature to have much fun. But after watching all the girls mingle and squeal and gossip I wonder if I was just being a snob. Of course I saw a few girls who were like I would have been with the all black and coffees and making fun of the giggly heifers but they seemed a bit too bored and trying to hard.

Finally Heath showed up and we made our way through the girls as the parents showed up. (Random side note—there were celeb parents there like Sean from ‘General Hospital’. I didn’t swoon.) We took our seats and settled into the gym where the stage was set up. I was impressed by the quality of the set and the obvious money they had at their disposal even though it looked like it was inspired by Demi Moore’ bedroom sense in ‘St. Elmo’s Fire’ with blowing fabric similar to her curtains in the scene where she’s all freaked out about the coke. That being said—the show came to a slow start and I loved it.

It’s weird to see a play being done in a high school gym that is not only better done than anything you’ve seen in the last few years in Los Angeles theatre but that these high school kids managed to take a play I hate and make me care and root for things to all work out. I think it’s a huge testimony to Ruby’s great skills as a director (as well as how she really connects as a teacher) that I managed to either forget or ignore all my issues with the play. From top to bottom it was amazing. Even Kirby got into the show and she hates Shakespeare.

As we wander out at the end of the show through the proud parents and squealing teens and bashful boyfriends with their flowers I couldn’t help but be a little jealous. Not of being that young or even still in high school but of what it would have been like to go to a school like that and have a teacher like Ruby in my life back then. Would I have wanted to be an actor, would I learned to love the most dull of the bard’s works? Would I have been less bored and aloof as a teen? It’s an interesting thought.

Though it still kills me that one couple in the play only works out due to magic and trickey. It just seems so unfair. But that’s probably because I can’t use magic to make someone love me.

Cardigan, Merlot, and Prose

So this weekend was a bit tiring but a much needed break from social things... I realized that I hadn’t been super honest about how I was feeling because I have been constantly pushing things down for the benefit of others. It might sound like I’m coming down on people—my friends—for saying that but I made the choice to stay silent.

It didn’t really help that in the aftermath most people just trashed my relationship and the boy to my face pretty quickly. And that makes it hard to be honest and raw when on some level you suspect that the person you’re talking to is judging you for being stupid to have given some much to someone so clearly not deserving.

So I just stopped putting my feelings out there when I was out with people. Part of the reason I kept such a low profile wasn’t that I wanted to be alone but I wanted to talk about my feelings and the boy and my mistakes but felt that I didn’t have an avenue to. Which is unfair in some cases but true in others. But now I know where I went wrong that in that thought process.

Of course I realized all of this after spending a night or two with Dorothy Parker and cheap merlot and cuddly clothing. Which was originally what I was going to be writing about but I chose to be honest instead.

Thanks to Heddy for giving me room to be honest. I think I needed it.

Music Fun

I love music and this past few weeks has been about a ton of music. This doesn’t even include the gift cd I got from a very good friend. (Though we both like the same song which I had just bought before it arrived on my mix CD.)

1) Hey School Boy by Stefy

2) Rehab by Amy Winehouse

3) Goody Two Shows by Adam Ant

4) Popular by Nada Surf

5) Undone by Weezer

6) I Get Around by Dragonette

7) My Mood Swings by Elvis Costello

8) Buddy Holly by Weezer

9) 9-5 by Lady Sovereign

10) Us by Regina Spektor

11) Beverly Hills by Weezer. (Wow—I must be Emo to have three,)

12) Ladykillers by Lush

13) Tramp by Salt N Peppa

14) Son of A Gun by Missy Elliot with Janet Jackson and Carly Simon

15) No More Words by Berlin

16) Jonny Are You Queer by the Go Go’s

17) So Jealous Boy by Fabs

18) Deceptacon by Le Tigre

19) Oh Yeah by the Cliks

20) Too Drunk to Fuck by Nouvelle Vague

How I Feel Today



Just in General

real quote of the week

"sure, we all want to have sex, be loved, get taken out and wined and dined and 69'ed, but sooner or later the wine runs out, the plates are cleared, and all your left with is one fucking messy bed."

Chloe regarding relationship messes.

Quote of the Week

Sunday Fun

"She needs a long drive through Slap City..."

Trotsky regarding Anita recent game playing

Flip Flop


I had forgotten how pedistrian things have been as of late. I can't blame the higher ups on this one but rather myself for forgetting which way things roll in my little piece of the world. Who I should trust and listen to, where I stand with certain people but I do pride myself on knowing when I am 'over it'. Which is a good enough place to get back to where I was before this amnesia.

That said--I need to figure out several things

50 Whores on Stage and None of Them Are Us.

So this past weekend I took to the road and hit up Palms Springs with some of the girls. (Kelly, Lizzie, Joy, Valeska, Sabine and Tanya.) Joy’s granddaddy has a house down by PS and so she thought it would be cool just to jaunt down for a weekend and see what kind of trouble we could get into. Valeska Kelly and I headed down after work on Friday—though I took a chance and skipped out early from work to get a quick haircut and pick up some pants I had altered at my tailor’s. (I love tailors because it’s like getting new pants for next to nothing.) So after a quick nap I met up with the girls and we took to the open road. There was gossip and traffic and music as well as plans made. It turns out that Metal Skool was performing at Margano Casino that night so we were going to see the best hair band tribute act ever.

That night at the show was pretty funny—due to the traffic we stopped at the casino before the house which led to Valeska Kelly and I all changing up our outfits like hookers at the casino. The plus side was that we got into the Key Club to see the opening act which was so young I think that we could have parented all of them. But they were cool and their friends were dorks and were all kicked out after the set since they weren’t over 21. Then Metal Skool prepped to take the stage as the other girls arrived.

The show itself was good but most of the girls hadn’t seen the band before so it was new to them. The sexy funny sleaziness of the band came through and was only heightened by the fact that every drunk, slutty, white trash girl (minus our group) appeared dancing on stage at sometime during the set. There was even a few topless one. Weird and funny until the end of the evening when one of us got punched—by accident—and we left the club deaf and defeated.

Soon we were having snacks and reading trashy magazines back at Joy’s house after a bit of scariness at the gate. It seems we were posing as Karen—Joy’s mother—and the security guy was quite confused. But we made our way through the track houses that LOOKED ALL THE SAME and into the fabulous house. (Think the set of ‘Golden Girls’ with bamboo looking furniture, religious plates and glass statues.) Tanya and I explored the house with her camera, documenting the clown art, the doggy art and the misplaced Asian screens. I felt like I was Rhoda without the head scarf.

The next day was spent poolside with the cast of ‘Cocoon’ and two pools with shade for Sabine. It was quite nice, quiet and relaxing—I even made time to swing on the playground which was designed for the grandchildren of the community. Good times if not good pictures. We then made yummy burgers—rather Sabine made the burgers—snacked and listened to music before taking showers and naps. We then headed in for a nice dinner in town with Mexican food where I found out that we were celebrating my birthday with flan. (Fuck you Joy!!!) Then we hit the local pub where Lizzie filmed the various hot, scary, slutty locals as a bad cover band played inside. Good times.

Then we headed home where I proceeded to do some grilling—not burgers—grilling for gossip. I learned a lot about everyone and I hope they learned a little more about me. There was much debate about Anna Nicole’s baby daddy, Brittney’s rehab and Jennifer Hudson’s ugly ass dress as well as Tanya and I doing some minor redecorating.

It was a late night that was topped off with me trying to scare the crap out of Lizzie with some clown art as Tanya tried not to laugh. We almost stole Joy’s at mitzvah video, tried on granddad’s hats and even posed for pictures in the whirlpool tub. Bed came way to soon—even with the lost hour.

Sunday started with just me, Valeska, Kelly and Joy heading out early afternoon since the others took off earlier in the morning. We hot the outlets and shopped and bought shoes (all of us) and accessories and worked our way through 150 some odd stores. It was good times and we still got home rather quickly. It was good times.



Random Quotes

‘Can’t sleep, clowns will get me.’

‘Night Suze. Night Bob.’

‘Well, he’s an intimidating crowd of people.’

‘It’s so ‘Golden Girls’ I want some shoulder pads and cheesecake.’

‘Hey grampy. Your neighbor Ken says hi. Is his wife’s name really Barbie?’

‘Jane is for smart girls or is it old girls?’

'Karen’s my mother’s name. So you’re now my mother.’

‘That little boy is going to be asking his mom what dirty hot is.’

‘Oh man—the golf cart is broken.’

‘Oh look—this week it’s Metal Skool—next week is Inxs—you would think they would have airbrushed that photo.’

‘I’m just doing my best Oprah.’

‘Happy birthday Rory.’

Weirdness Abounds

So I have been feeling a bit off as of late. It started the other night when Jac stopped by and said that we should hang out this weekend. She wants to make sure we get some time in before she moves to New York. And I had totally forgot about that plan of hers till that night. And it how much seems like things have been changing in fast forward over the last year and half.

I mean between the roommates being switched around and the couples breaking up and people moving away and people getting rather serious in their love lives and engagements and the boy leaving and Kirby in love and babies and now Jac leaving and the reality of Edie leaving mostly within the next year and not seeing much of anyone anymore more by device than design.....

I know that all of these things are necessary and good and healthy but I can't help feeling left behind. Like someone I have missed some big ass step to being an adult and moving forward with my life. It makes me a little scared and weaky and flighty and just out of sorts.

I'm totally overthinking things.

Thanks Ever So Much

I had an amazing weekend. Some of you were a part of it so thanks. Booze, boys, broads and bars jsut all teamed up to rock it out. It just worked on all four angles.I don't think I've been this happy in awhile.

So a special thanks to Miss Chloe for telling me how to feel. And making me feel good.

So this morning I headed out of my building to wait for Tommie by the curb. As I hit full day light and lit my smoke I had my first sign of life for the day. And that sign was a Los Angeles Country Prision Bus driving down my street.

That's right--a prision bus straight out of 'The Fugative.' I half expected to see Tommy Lee Jones driving it. It's a fucked up way to start the day.

I almost headed back to bed.

Crazed

I am SO excited about Chloe coming to town today that I can barely pull myself together. This on top of TWP forums being down as driven me insane.... But an awesome weekend is coming up.... YEAHAHAHAHAHAH

I am SO excited about Chloe coming to town today that I can barely pull myself together. This on top of TWP forums being down as driven me insane.... But an awesome weekend is coming up.... YEAHAHAHAHAHAH

Music Whore

It's been awhile but I know you're all dying to know my latest additions to my itunes.



1) Regina Spektor 'Fidelity'. Cuase it's sad and romantic and I'm a bit of both as of late.

2) Sade 'Smooth Operator'. Hmm--I wonder why I would want a 'man is bad song'.

3) Culture Club 'Church of the Posion Mind' Because I have no Boy George. And I'm a sucker for gospel singers.

4) Smashing Pumpkins 'Tonight, tonight' Because the other night the song came back into my head as I watched the rain. I just felt it.

5) Gym Class Heroes 'Cupids Cuckhold'. Because it has a great sample and I like the flow of their raps. It's pretty sweet.

6) Joan Jett and the Heartbreakers 'Bad Reputation'. Cause I don't give a damn.

7) Lily Allen 'Smile'. The song is cute and pretty and when you get the lyrics it's all type of bitchy and wrong. Like me--sweet on the senses but a bitch when you understand me.

8) Kool and the Gang 'Hollywood Swinin' Because its disco magic. Truly funk and disco's best mix EVER.

9) Elton John 'This Train Don't Stop Anymore'. Just so soulful and so overlooked.

10) This can be your suggestion--comment at the bottom.

Sorry for the lack of postings....

more coming soon

So I don't know what I have done. It's nothing bad or wrong but its definately open for interpatation and has been already so.

I went to Sabine's birthday last night. I had been on the fence about the event especially after the break up and Michael's plans to attend even with the aftermath of this past week. But I was talked into going and realized that I needed to be around people and not alone in my house with just the emptiness. So I made my way to Kelly and Johnny's to get away from the silence.

As soon as I arrived I made a deal with Kelly that she needed to not let people hug me at the bart since it would make me cry and that she would probably have to take my cell phone away after a certain point in the evening to prevent me from making any bad drunk dials to the boy. But when she was showering I got an unexpected phone call from a random friend about something huge that I would need to talk more about later in the evening. And so I changed my mind and decided that I needed to keep my phone on me.

I was worried about how things would go down at the bar because on the car ride down I cried. I don't think Lizzie, Kelly or Johnny noticed but as we drove by Michael's freeway exit I began to tear up. I just knew that the night was going to be hard no matter how much I pretended otherwise.

And then the drinks started as soon as we hit Sabine's party. It seems that it was a group decree that I should get hammered and so I had a cocktail at every turn of the evening. But it was fine--I posed drunk in pictures and got cuddles and explored a hotel and even ran into an old friend from my teaching days. It was good.

Finally I got the phone call I had been waiting for and I dealt with my friend for quite a bit outside the bar. Once we got as settled as we could, I hung up and without a thought in my head I called the boy. Michael and I had a long converasion in which good and bad things were said and I was honest in that all I wanted was to see him again. I know it's probably foolish but if I learned one thing from all of this it is to be clear about what you want and say what you mean. He agreed but warned me that he had blogged some stuff after we met that afternoon that I would not like--which gave me pause. But I promised to call him back

After the group decided to clear out of the bar--Lola and I decided that we would go and see Shannon at Vine. I was not yet ready to be alone and knew enough to be wary of what I would do if left to my own devices. So off we went to Hollywood proper. It was nice if a bit dull at the bar but Lola and I were able to chat and I drank some cheap sodas to sober up.

When I got home it was after 3:30 so I just went to bed but not before reading Michael's blog posting. The posting wasn't bad--he was angry and some of things he wrote hurt me but it's how he saw what happened and I can't blame Michael for his feelings any more than I can blame mine.

So when I woke up this morning I putted around the house cleaning and paying bills and just being busy. I went back on line and reread his blog and realized that I still wanted to talk with him. So I called him and we made plans to meet up later in the afternoon. I debated whether I should have made the plans but also knew that was what I needed.

Michael showed up rather quickly and we talked for the first time clearly since the break up had happened. There was no yelling or crying or accusations or misundertsandings. I explained that while I wanted him to stay, Michael needed to go home. Need always trumps want. So we just continued to communicated in the most honest and hard ways. And then as we sat on my bed in my room--because I thought the roommate was home--he looked in my eyes then hugged me.

I had not let Michael touch me since after he first told me about his plans to head home. I couldn't let him because I knew it would break me--or I would break him. But as Michael and I sat on the bed hugging and looking into each other's I knew this pure act of touch was what I needed. To let him go physically so I could start emotionally. And of course the touching led to many different things--but ended with my head on his chest and just listening to his heartbeat.

Now whether this was wise is a point that people could debate ad nasuem but I knew that it was something I needed. And we cried and kissed and talked and owned our mistakes in the grand scheme of the past few days. We were honest about where we stood and how we were still over but that didn't mean we had to say good bye just yet.

And so we made a plan to meet up and continue to talk and whatever else until Michael finally heads off home. In some ways this feels like living on borrowed time--a count down to the sadness--but I also feel like in someways this might help me start to let go. Maybe, maybe not. I could just be romantizing this whole turn of events instead of owning the stupidity of the actions.

But it's all I have and all I want in the moment. To listen to his heartbeat while I can, to look into his eyes while I can, to hold him and have hold me while I can. Because all I have right now is control over the moment--not the future. Maybe that's all we ever have--just what we're living in the current second of the time in our lives. I don't know.

Today's been a rough day. And now there is a part of me that is tired and wants to sleep. But there's that realziation that going to bed is just another push down the path to Michael's finally leaving. That knows when I wake up that I'll only have 17 days left.

I don't know if I'm ready.

Never Knew Me At All

So we had it. The last moment of any relationship--the one where you exchange stuff and keys and last words. That even though you mnight want to be friends down the road--that this is what it all comes down to for now. A good bye of sorts.

And we talked and fought and I cried and he did the 'I'll stay if you want' and all that motions that you go through when you end things. Like I could trust him ever again. What's funny is how much he never knew me--or rather--never got to understand it.

Now he says that when he came to me that night that I did have a say in what was happening and that I was the final part of his making decision. Now thinking back on it that might be true. Because I did say that he was useless to me if he wasn't happy here in LA.

That said--anyone who knows me in any way knows that I need time to think about things, to mull them over, before I can make a solid choice. That I am not a snap decision person and that I need time to think. And whne Michael left my apartment that night it was because I told him I needed to think about everything. I didn't realize that he didn't understand that maybe, just maybe, I needed more than an hour to fully decide the course of our rleationship. Instead he took my positive words as go go go and then he went off and made his plans to leave.

To know how little he got me hurts. That he had no understaning of who I was at all burns like a bitch. That when we did discuss things that night I made the point of asking him all the questions and now he's surprised why the answers he gave would hurt me.

And now I have to live with the remains of the relationship. He gets to break my heart while I have to live in the scene of the crime. The bed we shared, the street where we first kissed, the faces of my friends who watched our love unfold now look at me with pity. And he just gets to jet off home. And what's worse is all his 'Degressi Junior' advice. 'Don't let this harden your heart.' He has no fucking right to ever again talk about my heart. Ever.

I thought I was supposed to be home for him. Guess I thought wrong.

Someday I Will Be A Stained Glass Window

I'm going to start this off by saying that I'm drunk and sad and will horribly unfair and even crazy. I probably shouldn't be writing at all but I really need to try and tackle this—if only for my own sanity.

Michael and I broke up this past week. Three nights ago in fact. I wish I could say that I saw this coming, that I had any idea what he was planning or where this was all going… But no—I spent the last week before the break up in totally oblivion. I gave him the key to my apartment for Christmas, gave him my first New Year's kiss and even had some of the best sex of my life. So yeah—I had no idea what was about to happen to my happy little world.

It started off as the way a lot of our nights did—with plans to just get together and hang out. Nothing big, no major plans, just hanging out together. We've been a bit hectic as of late and so it was just meant to be a laid back evening. I realized that I needed to go food shopping and since I had worked late I hadn't been able to get to the store so we went together. It wasn't the first time we hit the local Ralph's together—it was supposed to be no big thing.

It wasn't until we headed back from the store, riding in the car when he told me that he was planning on moving home to New York for a bit. That he would possibly be back in 6 months—unless something happened to keep him home longer. Nothing was said about us per say—but the writing was on the wall. I was so blown out of the water that I didn't know what to say so I said very little but it was all the right things. About how I understood the choice to move home but that he couldn't expect me to live on some open ended promise that he might come back some day to be with me.

It wasn't until the next night that the reality of what happened fully set in. That even though we were a couple and in love that Michael just chose to make this huge decision about us without even talking to me about it. That he could decide to leave without even talking to me about it—or about us. It isn't fair. That when you're in a couple you don't get to pick and choose your life the same way you can that when you're single—you're supposed to make plans together and he never gave us—or me rather—that chance.

On one hand I understand why Michael wants to go home. He's been very unhappy in Los Angeles for a multiple of reasons; he's made little if any headway career-wise, doesn't like traffic and driving and misses the weather. That back in New York he has his family and career opportunities and all of his friends to be with—he could try and make some money while he lives at home. I get it but he never really told me that it was so bad that he wanted to leave here. I had no idea it was that dire.

But on the other hand I am so angry with Michael that I can barely breathe when I think about it. That I loved him—still love him—but at the end of the day all of our plans didn't matter. The fact we talked very seriously about getting married to point of proposal, about having kids, I even went to Edie for permission about him moving in—none of that meant a thing. Because if it had, if the intention was real and heartfelt then how the fuck could he just decide it was okay to leave without even the illusion of choice or discussion?

I wouldn't have asked him to stay if he had actually talked to me about the idea of moving. If he had bothered to explain his reasons instead of just telling me he was going to do this. I might have even been willing to try and work out some type of long distance relationship. Instead what I was given was no consideration for my thoughts or feelings on the subject. It hurts—I'm broken.

I know that in time I will get past this. That I won't cry or hurt or wish bad things upon him. I might even want to be his friend some day. But right now I have nothing, I'm empty, I'm shattered. That's all I have

I Think...

I need to raise some HELL because I'm starting to bore myself. And not just get shitfaced, dance on a table, sleazy sex type HELL raising--something more infamous than that... The type of HELL raising that becomes mythology to all and adds more layers to the Rory Lore.

I'm not sure what it will be yet but it will most likely involve gold pumas, Jack Daniels, a pack of smokes, my 'Gay Pimp' necklace and a soundtrack containing Gwen Stefani, Mickey Avalon, Lady Sovereign and James Brown's 'Hot Pants'.

Everyone up for it?

48 Hours of Christmas

So the holiday has come and gone. I never have much to think about this time of year--I just go through the motions of parties and cards and quick drinks. Having worked in retail for more than one Christmas season I have learned to turn a blind eye to the music and the lights and the hodgepodge of trees and menorahs and instead focus on the bright flashes of rosey cheeks and gleeful greetings more than the semantics of it all.

It's not until Christmas Eve Day that I get with the program and start with the music and decorations. I hang ornaments from my orchild and string lights along the rail outisde my door, that I sit down and send out my e-greet cards and wrap my gifts then just as quickly as a day or two later it all comes down to be placed back in the dusty closet off my hall.

I'm not sure where my disdain for the trrappings come from, maybe it's just the retail business that killed it for me (Samuel, Davis and even Charity all hate the music and we were once lifers in retail so I don't feel far off), or maybe its some childhood tramua that I have yet to remember or maybe I'm just not a cheerful silly guy who can get into all the seasons.

But I do like giving gifts--not so much reciving--I like to give people something I think they need or can rock out in a sexy way. I like hearing what people are up to through their cards and catching up over Eddy cider at the various parties.

But now its over. And on to my favorite holiday. New Years!!!

The Real Uncle Rory

So my brother finally had his baby and as of this past Saturday I am now really an Uncle Rory. Her name is Olivia and she is so pretty and adorable...



My Sister and My Neice



A New Grandmother



A New Family

Not like the rest of my family at all....

You Know You Want To

Dear Rory,

I _____ you. You have a nice______. You make me _______. You

should _______. Someday I will ______. You + me =________.

If I saw you now I'd __________. I would build a _______ just

for you. If I could sing you any song it would be _________.

We could __________ under the stars.

Love,
_______________

(P.S. ______________.)

REPOST THIS "DEAR (YOUR NAME)" AND SEE WHAT ANSWERS U GET... this lots of fun!! and you can really make someone's day. Leave them a message after u fill it in

Sexy Legs, Baked Treats, Heartfelt Talks and Some Good Night Moon…The Cruise Finale.

(Outfit: Mint green Future Ex-Husband t-shirt, A&F jeans, brown sneakers and fur lined brown hoody.)

The final day of the cruise—where to begin? I woke up a bit late that morning due to my late night drunken packing and crawled into the shower. I did some more last minute bag stuffing then made my way with Lola out on to the ship. I barely remember making breakfast and shortly after ended up on the deck with Kelly, Robin, Ali, Lola, Johnny, and Henry in the day’s sun.

Kelly and I ended up watching the start of the sexy legs competition as I debated if I should go and get some more end of trip details down. I made my way down to my room where I filled out baggage tags and customs forms as well as changed into something cuter for pool side.

(Outfit: Yellow ‘Its Not You It’s Me T-shirt, red swim trunks, and black flip flops).

I made my way back to the pool area where they had moved on to the belly flop portion of the cruise Olympics. I was bored by it and engaged in various conversations with the gang while slowly working my way through a bloody Mary and studying several ship cuties including Cruise crush John. I wandered the decks after a bit and stumbled across a sleeping Alexander on a lounge chair. I talked with him briefly before heading back to my room.

The Club Car (as our room came to be known) was open with a sick Lizzie and a tired Lola both watching bad movies. I laid on my bed and read a bit more of ‘Sense and Sensibility’ while making light gossip. I then took a nap myself while the girls moved on with their day.

(Outfit. Gray sweater with yellow stripes, blue sneakers and A&F jeans.)

I woke up and finished off the last of my packing with the exception of two last outfits for the next few days. I made my way around the ship and playing catch up with various people while Kaylee, Ali, Robin and some others made their way to the ‘80’s Teen Dance Film’ tribute show while I had some drinks with the others. I made my way back to the room to fill out tip cards before dinner.

(Outfit: Brown metro motor scooter t-shirt, brown fur lined hoody and jeans.)

The last dinner had a last minute switch up with Ali and Robin joining us at our table for the night. We feasted on a little bit of everything and even though Ava and Lola were disappointed by the lack of crème Brule I had some baked Alaska. It was yummy and the meal finished off with some said good byes to our wait staff. They were great—and could even balance plates on their heads and dance for our enjoyment.

Post dinner we made our way back to the rooms to leave our suitcases in the halls, get some drinks and make our way for once stroll around the ship. It was cold on the top deck so a bunch of us formed a circle and cuddled for warmth while catching up. It felt like a very intimate bon-fire type gathering which was fun and silly with Carmen, Ali, Robin, Valeska, Liam, Alexander, Johnny, Kelly, Lola and Kaylee. And even though Lizzie wasn’t feeling well, I took a number of trips back to the rooms to see how she was feeling.

Eventually Lola and I came to the deck for a smoke and to catch up. She was cold and a bit tired but not so much so that we didn’t see two of the hottest guys on the whole ship. It was just our luck that it was the last night and we had ditched high fashion for hoodies. But we would honestly do with two cute strangers on a boat? Nothing that would be acceptable on dry land.

After walking Lola back to the room, and getting a refill on my vodka, I made one last run back to the gang and I came topside to see that everyone had gone—I think to a late night buffet—and I ran into Ty searching for them as well. Ty and I hadn’t much time to talk on the ship so he and I spent my last few hours on the boat walking the decks and talking about his engagement amongst the stars and the deep sea. A lot was said and felt and I was glad that we got some private time to just reconnect for a bit.

And then I took a bit of time for myself on the ship to just stare at the stars and think about my life. I have to say that I must have been a pirate in a past life because of how at home I felt on the ship. I had a cigarette or two as I said good bye to the night.

Bed came early but it was time for me to wake up in Los Angeles and I was more than ready. The cruise had been fun and relaxing and goofy and filled with many memories that surprised me more often than not. I hope the next time I’m on a boat more of my friends—and the boy--can be there. And that I will get my land legs back soon than later.

Teddy This

You scored as A Big Bear. You are such a cuddle teddy bear it is untrue go scare them/cuddle them. A Big Bear 80% Straight Acting 80% S + M guy 40% The all-round cute gay guy 40% Straight 20% Raging Queer 10% Straight Queer Basher 0% What type of Gay are YOU? created with QuizFarm.com

Mexican Melodrama/ Clashing Colours; Cruise Part 2

So we hit Mexico running by jumping on the first bus into town. We were quickly made aware of a place called Papas and Beers by a group of fellow shipmates via their many slurred requests for the nearest restaurant to our tour bus driver. After a hot ride we were dropped off in the heart of Ensanada to hit the shops running. A small group of us made our ay into a handmade craft store and began poking around a slew of Frieda Kohl boxes and woven serapes.

It wasn’t until the top of the stairs that the first wave of land sickness hit me, almost resulting in me falling down a full flight into metal mirrors. I quickly realized that something wasn’t right and made it my plan to stick to either Kelly or Kaylie so as to not get lost or hurt myself. We made our way down the crowded sidewalks with the rest of the gang in search of deals and meals. We followed the loud music and steady stream of old frat boys and hot young girls and ended up outside of—you guessed it—Papas and Beers.

What we learned was that Papas and Beers has wet shirts contests between ten and noon, that they flips customers upside down for their shots and that regardless of how huge the bar is that they can have a second huge merchandise store across the street which carries sticker, t-shirts and tank tops all fit for your average fourteen year old girl or 4forty year old man. Curiosity answered we moved on down to a nearby cantina and settled in with tacos and margaritas.

After foods and booze we continued to shop along the main streets; people bought Mexican wrestling masks and scarves while I gossiped with all the girls at one point or another. I was still be feeling bad though and was eager to return to the boat. After a brief stop at the customs store we made our way back to the boat and I collapsed into my bed while the others hit the hot tub and pool.

(Outfit of sweat shorts and t-shirt with cute sneakers.)

I slept for an hour or two then when I woke up and decided that I needed to work out a bit to get my body back in synch. I made my way to the ship deck and began my laps while thinking about some notes for a new project I was working on. It was actually soothing to make my laps—4.5 to do a mile—and after 2 miles I decided that I needed to hit the gym. This was a mistake as getting on any machine that requires you to possibly bounce while on a ship when you already have leg issues is guaranteed to make you almost throw up. Regardless of my nausea I continued bravely through then made my way back to the room to shower and change before the captain’s reception and formal dinner.

I returned to find Lola spread across the bed with Lizzie as they waited for their cheese plates and sandwiches from room service. They were hungry and taken drastic steps by calling for food from multiple rooms in order to get it faster. We also got a tray of cookies from Ali in honor of her birthday. I quickly showered and started to flip through my clothes while nibbling on brie and watching my favorite Ashanti video.

(Outfit—pinstripe pants, blue paisley button down shirt, black-gray blazer with black Steve Madden loafers.)

After a bit of rushing both Lola and I managed to meet up with the others for the big captain’s reception before the formal dinner. We made our way through the oat past other wonderfully over dressed guests and half dressed tourists. We wait for a group picture with the captain which ironically had to be taken by my ship crush John—the only one tall enough to get us all into frame. It was also somehow decided that I should have a champagne in my hands at all times; the crew was always handing me drinks whenever I saw them. I think they thought I needed to be drunk and damn if they weren’t right. There was some lovely slow dancing with Ali and Robin showing us how it was done.

It seemed like the reception ended too soon—7 glasses of champagne will do that to you—and we made our way to the dinning room to get one last photograph before our meal. Of course there were many tacky backgrounds including ships at night, a brightly dressed Lido deck and one that was model after the grand staircase from ‘Titanic’ but these had lines way too long. So we posed with abstract art for a very diva-like photographer who didn’t find it funny that we offered to help set up the chairs for our shoot.

After a few more photos, including a few ‘Brady Bunch’ style on the main staircase of the ship, we made our way into dinner. We all seemed to have a little bit of everything we wanted with great conversation and many laughs. Except when they served humus in some carved out zucchini which I really wanted—but it would have killed me. But it was all delicious and actually served in the proper portions. This means that Johnny had several dishes while Kelly watched her man go to town.

(Outfit, pinstripe pants, 70 inspired blue bird printed shirt with freshly tousled hair.)

After dinner a small group of us hit our staterooms, the girls to change shoes and for me and Kelly to change clothes as well as refresh our drinks. We made our way up stairs to the Schooner Bar where cocktails started for half the group while Lizzie, Kaylee, Lola and I made our way to the nightclub for singles night—unfortunately they were having what appeared to be bad couple’s karaoke. Though it was hosted by ship crush John so at least I was happy.

After several trip between the bar and the nightclub the music finally started and I managed to get in some great dancing with my girls to the hits of the 70’s and the 80’ until ‘Fergilious’ came on. Not to be deterred we managed to keep dancing as a group for a bit longer but slowly and surely the girls dropped off one by one and leaving me to own the dance floor the rest of the night. I did keep the moves going and the drinks flowing and even ended up dancing with ship crush John if only by accident. He taught me a very odd dance to some unknown hip hop song which was dirty yet crazy at the same time. It was fun.

I finally made my way solo back to the room around three thirty-four o’clock after a number of sweaty dances and smoked cigarettes with various strangers met in the nightclub. I, in my semi-impaired state, decided that while Lola slept I would start packing the played out outfit choices. I didn’t learn until the next morning that I had woken her up. I wish she had said something. But I climbed into bed—excited for the next day. Our full day out to sea.

Coming up next—belly flops, huddled masses and a farewell to night waters.

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)2. Put it on shuffle3. Press play4. For every question, type the song that's playing (don't cheat)5. When you go to a new question, press the next button

Opening Credits:My Life—Mariah Carey

Waking Up:Love Me or Hate Me—Lady Sovereign

First Day At School:Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me –The Smiths

Falling In Love:Don’t Leave Me This Way – Thelma Houston

Fight Song:Connected –Stereo MCs

Breaking Up:Calling It Quits –Aimee Mann

Prom:Tell Me Something Good –Rufus with Chaka Kahn

Life's OK:Le Disko—Shiny Toy Guns

Mental Breakdown:Fergilious --Fergie

Driving:Stars and Boulevards--Augustana

Getting Back Together:Party Lights –Claudine Clark

Wedding:Stars Are Blind—Paris Hilton

Birth of Child:Say What I Mean –The Like

Final Battle:One, Two Step –Ciara w/ Missy Elliot

Death Scene:Lovely Day –Bill Withers

Funeral Song:My Babydaddy—B-Rock and the Bizz

End Credits:03 Bonnie and Clyde –Jay Z and Beyonce

I Was Giving Runway Looks While They Were Giving Sears Catalog

The cruise. Sorry it’s taken me so long to write about it but things since coming back to land have been rough. (Like waiting for my land legs to return. It took a week!!!!) Excuses made—I’m gonna start from a day or two before we disembarked.

So if you read my blog you know all about the passport drama and the fear that it wouldn’t arrive in time. It happened to show up the day of my faux anniversary with the boy so that was settled about a week before. So all that was left to worry about was money and packing.

Now the money worries are my weakness. I guess because I’m always worried that I’m two steps away from being on the street. I knew going on the cruise itself was fine, paid for, but I wasn’t sure how much money I might need for extra expenses. Between that and work not giving any answer as to whether we would be paid for Thanksgiving much less the following Friday I was concerned I might be really broke when I got back. That and I was on the tail end of my current show and hadn’t been totally sure that my next job was a definite. Even though I had been told by an executive to not take another job I am always worried until I have a little deal memo in my face. So I was very concerned about cash.

Add to the mix the fact that I hadn’t packed and was unsure what to bring and you end up with a very edgy Rory. Of course Samuel tried to help me out with the packing by explaining that all I needed was three pairs of pants, two shirts per day and some formal wear for the big dinner. But I would only maybe pack that light if I was going away for two days to his house, much less a cruise. That and I don’t so much pack outfits as much as visual experiences. But I made a game plan and managed to fit a fifth of my closet into two bags. And some booze too.

The final issue on my list of things to worry about was how exactly I would be not only getting down to the port but also the return trip. It had been somewhat settled when Rocky offered to take me with her when she dropped of Lola (My roomie for the cruise) that Friday and to pick us up the following Monday. My only concern was that it would take us awhile to clear customs and Rocky would have to work so it didn’t seem the most realistic game plan and so I decided to look into other options for the ride home. Fortunately Kelly and Johnny said they would be able to squeeze me and so the game was on.

(Outfit: My brown ‘Miss Scarlet in the Hall with the revolver t-shirt, cute brown sneaks and dark jeans with my fur lined hoody sweatshirt.)

The morning of the cruise was a bit hectic. Between getting up early after a day of turkey and wine, dragging my bags down the longest apartment complex ever and last minute passport, wallet, paperwork check we finally go underway. After a quick stop to grab Lizzie (and debate about whether we needed to go by her office to get her luggage tags) we made our way down to the Port of Los Angeles. It was a fun ride filled my many jokes including several about the unfortunately named Terminal Island. (Don’t take the bridge; it will bring you to Terminal Island. It’s a dead end. Ha!)

After hugging Rocky and telling her to give love to the boy (who had his appendix burst and had operation the night before Thanksgiving) the girls and I ran into the rest of our cruising buddies. After checking in (where I was terrified something would go wrong and I would end up detained in some way) and making our way through a labyrinth of pre-cruise photo ops, we finally boarded the boat.

Lola and I tired immediately to get to our room; we were both worried about our contraband but I was unwilling to engage in conversation about it. (I tend to find when I am in the midst of doing something I shouldn’t that it is best to ignore the issue lest I give someone the impression that I am doing something wrong.) After a bit of a wait we were finally able to see the room and get a lay of the land. After having our beds separated and realizing that we still had to wait for our bags we decided to make our way to lunch.

Now the cool thing about a cruise ship is that it is almost exactly like a hotel, in that everything pretty, clean and easy to find once you spend some time there. We made our way through the huge lobby and up to the buffet lunch. There we were joined by Ava, Henry and Lizzie after we stole the table from Kaylee and Alexander. Lunch was fun if a bit unnerving with all the vibrations of the boat but I did learn some things. Like some of us aren’t thrown by boys in dresses. Matter of fact—some of us might date them.

After lunch we made our way back to the room to begin the unpacking process. I sorted outfits as Lola sorted through the television to the video channel and we made ourselves at home. We kept the door open so people could pop in and out—with gossip of course. I found out that Ty was engaged—shocking—and Kelly got to see the reaction on my face. And then it was time for the lifeboat drill.

I really wanted to dress as a pirate in my life jacket but no one had an eye patch so then I suggested that we run screaming to the deck ala ‘Poseidon Adventure’ but no one took me up on that idea. So depressed and grumpy I made my way to our lifeboat with the rest of the gang for a school on proper escape policy. Only because I was told they would know if I was not there. It was actually kind of fun—we got shushed by a crew member and I found my sailor crush. He was British and tall and cute but he did have big ears and British teeth so most of the girls didn’t agree with me on his hotness. But afterwards was nap time. Not.

No sooner than I had curled up on the bed then Kelly came in insisting that Lola and I had to come to the Bon Voyage party on the roof deck. It was odd to wave good bye to Terminal Island, the odd freighter ship docked nearby and even the odd grouping of custom agents standing boat-side. The exciting ‘Love Boat’ moment finished I finally napped for a few hours—after a couple of chapters of ‘Sense and Sensibility’.

(Outfit. Black polo, blue and black tie, blue velvet blazer with cute jeans.)

Feeling refreshed I woke up to change for my first formal dinner which was a bit more perplexing than I imaged. I pride myself on always knowing what to wear and say in any given moment of time but it was my first time in ages being around multi course meals and men that would leap to pick up my napkin. So nerves were had but fortunately I was seated with a great table for conversation and distraction. Dinner was wonderful—even though Robin did compare my outfit to Avril Levine. I don’t think he meant it as a compliment. But I did get to have steak. Yum.

(Outfit. Vintage green short sleeved dress shirt with mint green t-shirt underneath and patterned denim. )

Dinner finished the only thing left to do was find fun. I briefly returned to the room with a handful of people for a quick change of clothes. I was getting ready for fun and formal wear was not part of the plan. I made my way with a small portion of the group and hit the piano bar. Now I have issues with piano bars—the first bar I was ever thrown out of was a gay p[piano bar back in Boston and there was a particular birthday (Looking at you Heddy) held at a piano bar that lead to a disastrous affairette. So piano bars and I are not friends.

That and I just wasn’t feeling like sitting much but Lola wasn’t feeling well and most everyone else was tired from the holiday. Everyone except Ali and Robin, Ali’s sister Sari and Marissa who were in the nightclub dancing up a storm. So of course I spent the next hour jumping back and forth to both places and unsatisfied with both. And let me tell you, the ship’s nightclub looks exactly like a set from the every cruise film you’ve ever seen. But regardless, the piano bar was more fun at points than I expected and the nightclub more draining that I would have guessed.

The night round out with me on the ship deck with Lola, smoking cigarettes and talking with Lizzie and Valeska as we waited to see where Liam went off to. I learned some interesting gossip and was even called a best friend by someone unexpected. And was given a hint about some past romantic tension that at some point I will have to deal with. But bed that night was early and very much needed.

The next day was Mexico and a daytrip to Ensedana. Imagine my surprise when I woke up that morning to look out our porthole to see the foreign equivalent of 7-11 but with people snapping pictures; I could be in the background of some poor family’s photos. In my pajamas with full on bed head. But I managed to overcome my horror and close the shades before Lola woke up. Why should we both have international shame?

(Outfit. White sweater hoody with my FCUK cap, board shorts and my cute black and white Vans.)

We slowly got dressed and made our way to breakfast with Ava and Henry. We decided to see who else we could round up before going on to the shore but everyone was in various stage of prep so a small group of us headed out. It was hot and crowded and a bit familiar when we hit the pier, which was nice but we could hear the sounds of traffic and smell the food before we even got on the shuttle. Where we learned all about Papas and Beer.

Up next—Mexico, formal night, drunk packing….