When Boredom Hits The Office

Last week my co-workers and I spent one whole day at work, bored out of our minds and talking about random and weird things. Somehow it came up about how soap operas are dying but would probably come back around as a reboot at some point like almost everything else. Discovering that we were all fans of different shows, we each picked one and wrote our own version of a reboot... Here is mine for "General Hospital."


I think for any reboot idea you have to get back to the bare bones of the show but keeping key characters and story points as a part of the new history. I would love to do a good General Hospital reboot with a focus on the original characters mixed with popular characters… I would have the hospital be the focus but also keep the adventure and mob aspects as part of the story as the show goes. (Mostly because whether we like it or not—they are part of the show’s history.) Take the best of each era and try and mix it all together.

I would obviously start out with a young 30s hunk named Steve Hardy—a compassionate and well liked general practitioner with a way for managing both his patients and the politics of hospital life. His best friend and fellow doctor is a young 30 something pediatrician named Jessie Brewer—when not working together on cases they spend their days in the break room and talk about their personal lives. Of course Steve is too dedicated to have much of one but Jessie’s complicated marriage to Phil Brewer provides more than enough conversation.

Of course Phil Brewer would hate to know that Steve is butting in on his marriage—the young and cocky researcher has little use for the Good Samaritans of the world including his wife Jessie. While he loves her simple nature and sweet behavior, Phil finds it even more useful that being married to Jessie serves as the perfect political salve for when he goes too far. It’s not that Phil’s a bad doctor—in fact he is a genius research doctor who is just starting to get national recognition when he’s not out drinking and bedding prostitutes.

And Phil’s skill has proven to be a money maker not just for the hospital but for the local corporation—ELQ—pharamuticals love creating new money makers. The company’s namesake Edward Quartermaine has no use for the brash doctor but Brewer’s work does provide a tidy profit. The only thing that 40 something Edward loves more than profit is his gentle and refined wife Lila (40s)—and sometimes his two children young medical intern Alan (23) and spoiled dilettante Tracy (21). While Alan is desperate to have his father respect him—wrangling himself an internship under his father’s star Dr. Brewer, Tracy is always trying schemes to get her father’s attention. Most outsiders would say that her spirited but bitchy nature comes from Edward—turns out that Tracy is more like Lila than anyone would guess.

Despite Lila’s blueblood background, she once spent time out in the world and having adventures of her own-- most notably backpacking across Africa with her dear friend—and private school classmate—Helene Hardwick. The two debutants spent their days volunteering with local tribes and using their family connections to raise money for Doctors Without Borders. That sense of community and charity stuck with Lila and when it came time to open a free clinic in the town of Port Charles—due to a PR fiasco with Dr. Brewer and the company—Lila called on her old childhood friend to come oversee the project.

And Helene (40s)—along with her husband Lars Webber (50) and son Jeff (21)—needed a reason to live and hoped that this new project would provide focus. Her marriage hit shaky ground after her oldest son Rick (26) disappeared and was presumed dead while working with Doctors Without Borders in Somalia—something Lars blamed his wife for. Lars has never been one for pipe dreams and unlike his wife, he relished the chance to mix the kind of wealth her “dear old friends” provided instead of rejecting the privileged life like his wife was known to do. Meanwhile third year medical student Jeff mostly felt lost—between his older sister Terri (28) fleeing the family for reasons unknown and his idolized brother being dead—he felt as if his family has forgotten about him in all the fighting and blame games.

But hopefully enlisting in the medical school at Port Charles University, away from ghost of Rick and the absence of Terri, would give Jeff the fresh start he needs. No one who knows him, no one who knows his family—just new faces to meet. Like the young and ambitious Monica Barb (20)—a talented and crafty medical student who despite her background—foster homes and group living—has managed to make her way through the expense of medical school. Monica may be smart but it helps that she has the looks and drive to make people bend to her will—whether it is securing scholarship money from the ELQ trust or using her sex appeal with various professors. She may play the sex card but isn’t selling it like some people in her neighborhood.

Such as Barbara Jean Spencer. Some would call the 15 year old redhead a street waif but she isn’t alone in the world—it’s just her brother Luke (19) is serving time in juvie and her Aunt Ruby (40s) tries to keep their relationship low profile. It’s one thing to run a whorehouse while paying off the mob and the local police but Ruby knew she couldn’t talk her way around raising a teenager in that environment even with friends in “high places”. Instead “Bobbie” lives on her own in an efficiency apartment across the way from Monica Bard and down the hall from her mysterious classmate Michael and his mother Adella—which is good for her now that she is pregnant and hiding it from everyone. If Ruby ever found out that Bobbie was hooking herself on the street like common trash—even if to high end doctors like Phil Brewer--she could get a real beat down.

And being beat down is something Adella (late 30s) knows all about. On the run from her 2nd husband and desperately hiding out with her son Michael (16), Adella hoped that she finally found a chance to escape the violence of her past. She could take it when Deke would hit her but once he went after “Sonny”--for nothing more than not being his son—it was time to find a new home and a new life. And with her make-do job as a custodian at General Hospital she might eventually be able to break free, send her boy to college, maybe get herself a nursing degree and get them both off the streets for good.

If only head nurse Lucille March (late 30s) didn’t seem to dislike her so much… Everyone at the hospital, even new hires like Adella, knew to stay out of the way of the crusty, gossipy and strict Lucille. Some people said it was because she was an old maid—single and in her 40s!!!--and jealous of the young girls chasing doctors but the truth was Lucille had always been this way. No man had ever broke her heart—though there were a couple women who might have—but having to raise her own sister single handled was more than enough to break anyone’s spirit. Audrey March had always marched to her own drum—and being pretty and popular didn’t endear her to Lucille anymore than the rest else had. Her thirst for adventure and capacity for drama had led Audrey in every direction—one minute getting a nursing degree and the next off to see the world as documentarian following medical missions of mercy. Audrey wouldn’t have even come back to Port Charles—she had some many places left to see before she turned 30—but an opportunity to document the test trials of ELQ’s latest wonder drug led her home. Of course she still likes to cause trouble and break the rules—quickly becoming the talk of Lucille, Jessie and even Steve!

And Audrey’s drama goes well beyond break room gossip. Down the official halls of General hospital, Lee Baldwin’s (late 30s) job as the go-to-man for many of the hospital crisis’s runs the gamut from legal issues in patient care all the way to the possible legal problems from a “guerilla style” documentary being shot under his watch. But even through all the fast paced stress of hospital life, the widowed father of two still made time for his children back at home. And while 20 something Brooke Baldwin might shy away from being called a child—she was too mature for that and too willing to prove it—his young son Scotty (17) was more then willing to behave and make home life easy. Scotty desperately wanted to finish high school and start college, follow his dad into the law but Brooke was more interested in finding a hot young doctor to bed and make herself into something more than middle class.

And Brooke would get her wish—getting herself a cushy job as a babysitter for the upper middleclass Vining family. Jason Vining (40) was a professor at the local medical school and held many a study session at the family home—giving Brooke access to many a young doctor—and his charming if gruff exterior made him popular with students like Monica and Jeff. His wife Barbara (late 30s) was another story—she didn’t understand why they need a sultry young babysitter like Brooke around the house—their daughters Laura (15) and Amy (13) were both in their teens. And even if Laura could be moody--constantly running around with Scotty Baldwin--while Amy was no ease to raise; she could always cut back her hours nursing since Jason made enough money. But she always found it easier to accommodate Jason’s moods ever since the accident that took away his ability to practice medicine or even father children--she knew how hard it was for him to connect to her much less their two adopted daughters.

AND SO BEGINS THE STORY.

The Sickness Is In Your Mind

I thought I had spent the last week or so being sick--off and on. I hung out with people who ended up getting sick shortly after seeing me; Edie with bronchitis and Dominic with something that required 3 antibiotics and a steroid. I would say that my fears of a lingering illness were more than well founded.

So I waited.

I hate doctors--or the expense of doctors more than anything. I only went to see one after a text conversation about good places to go without insurance--i was supposed to be seeing babies this weekend and wanted to be healthy before doing that. So off I went to CVS to get a quick check up for a nurse practitioner--prepared for the worst.

Turns out I have sinus allergies. Ones that allowed me to have codeine coffee medicine to sleep at night. That strong I guess

I have never had allergies so this was something knew to me. New drugs, new coping techniques for dealing with things, and the realization that this may be something I have had before and just not known it. Which is weird because I have a huge list of other allergies I am well aware of.

But at least I wasn't sick. Like sick sick or anything. Like gross.

(I fully expect a punch from either Edie or Dominic for this post)

This Is Not A Wedding Blog

This is what I want as my birthday gift to myself



Of course this is obviously expensive and I don't even know what I would do with it but... Since when has any of that stopped me before????

Thanks to Valeska for making sure I knew to buy this

Put A Ring On It

Today's jam



So we don't have engagement rings. This has been a subject of debate and curiosity amongst people as they have heard about or seen me and Johnno post engagement. Now I wasn't sure how to handle that idea--only one of us having a ring would seem to put one of as the "girl" but to find something for both us without discussing it seemed risky. I had never really given much thought as to whether I would even want a ring for myself but knew if Johnno wanted one I would follow suit.

This was also the first question my mother asked once she heard the news. That and when she could actually meet him--cause I'm an awful son like that. But she did says that engagements are like children--if you wait for the perfect time you might never have one. Though--as has been pointed out by several friends--my mother's track record with engagements might make her advice on happy ever after a bit--shoddy.

Four times people. Four.

Once it was decided that we should due rings--mostly due to the fact that we would be a long engagement--I started my search on-line for something we would both like. I have no desire to set foot in any jewelry store and the idea of having to do so makes me want to break out in hives. Like Carrie Bradshaw in the ugly wedding dress on "Sex In The City" hives.

Yikes.

But of course there isn't a lot of great options out there. I don't want to end up with something too close to a wedding band since that is for later, or something to crazy expensive become we won't be wearing it forever, and something funky and stylish as we both are. It's hard because there is not a lot of mens ring stores out there and even fewer that carry engagement style rings. And I have fat fingers.

FAT FINGERS PEOPLE!!!!

I discovered this last night as we measured our ring fingers together. Of course Johnno has a dainty sized finger--he could even wear women's rings if he chose--while I have an above average sized digit. What this means is that if he likes a ring it usually doesn't come in my size and vise versa. it sucks because we have found a couple things that we like and they can't be resized and so we have to move on to the next option.

Did I mention I have FAT FINGERS?!

I have known that through the idea of this wedding that I would have body issues and gender issues but i didn't expect to look at lady rings for Johnno or debate how to best lose hand fat.

Put a ring on it indeed.

Champagne, Strippers and a Pair of Jens—Or How I Got Engaged

It started off simply with another run-of-the-mill trip to Las Vegas. When I say that we’re talking dancing till 5am, drinks throughout the day and at least one over-the-top party thrown by one of my best friends—Kelly. She decided it was time for another high-end birthday party on the Strip and found the club, the view and the guest list to make it happen.

There were about 30 of us—give or take—in the city from all over the country. There were the LA friends, the Boston friends, the New York friends—a combination of classmates, siblings, boyfriends and girlfriends and even a coworker or two—at the Mix nightclub at the top of the Mandalay Bay Hotel. There was champagne and vodka, everyone dressed up and dancing, conversations and sharing through the early hours of the night. We were all out to have a good time in honor of a good friend.

Of course eventually the party had to wind down and various people split off into their own smaller groups to continue to try and keep the night going elsewhere. Clubbing, barhopping, gambling, eating were all on the agenda but for some people it was more a time for “Go the F*ck To Sleep” and for others it was more “Where The Wild Things Are” as we all spilled our way back on to the Strip.

You can guess where I ended up in that division.

There was a small group of us including Johnno, Edie, her brother and his fiancée Isabella, Valeska and a handful of others heading back out to the casinos to try and charm our way into another bar or club. After a handful of hits and misses—no $900 cover for us because they should be PAYING us $900 to join their party—we ended up deciding to meet up with a handful of people at the Glitter Gulch strip club downtown.

Yep. Lady strip club time.

In the melee of exiting, somehow I ended up in a taxi with Edward and Isabella while the rest of our group had their own ride a few minutes ahead of us. This is only important in that Edward would start to be the voice of reason from this point on because more than a few of us had had enough to drink to need one. I’d like to say at this point that while “drunk” I was in total control of what was going on with myself. However I did not plan to take care of anyone else that night—I was in it to win in it—that could be Edward’s job.

Eventually the three of us made our way to the strip club and half charmed our way into the place. I say half because I am pretty sure I still owe someone cash for the entry fee but whatever…I’m in the door. Most everyone there is in a good mood between the ladies dancing, the enforced 2 drink minimum and the post party high. Some people got hustled by the ladies, some people got motor-boated and some people knew when to say when it came to the ladies. Yet even strippers have to put on PJs and go to bed at some point and once again we closed another venue in Vegas

But some of us were not ready to stop the party—particularly Edie—so people tried to piece together another game plan. We ruled out nightclubs (they were closed), food (we all looked skinny that night), another strip club (it just gets skanky the further you go) but someone s mentioned the idea of getting married--as in “let’s find an all night chapel and get some of us hitched!!!”

That is how I ended up engaged—to Edie!!!

Yep. It was decided that it was time for me to give up the single life and for Miss Edie to finally “nail me down”. I was ready to go—she is one of my many Sistah Wives—plus I thought it would be a great story if not a great set of pictures to look back on. We both began the process of trying to research the details while the others mostly looked on in amusement. I checked in with Johnno to see what he thought and he was pretty game for the adventure—his only request was that we’d get the Palmdale house in the divorce. I did point out this would not be a consummated marriage but Edie still agreed to the terms of engagement.

This is where Edward saves the day.

Edward pretty much pointed out to me how bad of an idea this marriage probably was. Not only is Edie in a long term “thing” with her boyfriend/lover/fiancée Braden but Braden is a big towering giant of a man. A man who played Jason Voorhees in one of the “Friday the 13th” films. A man who makes crazy stunts for a living and does things like set people on fire. I saw Edward’s point and realized this was not the wisest decision so I did my best to break the engagement with a little bit of class and logic.

Edie wasn’t having it.

At this point everyone else was pretty much ready for bed—if not to sleep then to keep any other bad ideas at bay. (And some people like Valeska had a flight to catch in a hour.). So Edward finally threw his sister kicking and screaming into a cab and Isabella gleefully jumped in behind him—they were off to one part of the Strip with a smile, a wave and a middle finger. (You can guess who gave which one) The others piled into another cab heading towards our hotel but there wasn’t enough room for me and Johnno. We stayed behind to grab our own cab.

However the next cab claimed to not take credit cards and somehow we had both ran out of cash—funny how that happens after a strip club. So after some debate, some bathroom breaks, and water we decided that we would walk back to the Stratosphere. From Freemont Street. All because the cab driver who refused to take credits cards even though his door said he did—we were not going to an ATM for him!

We’re stubborn like that.

Of course Johnno and I forgot two key things; one being that buildings in Vegas are REALLY tall so using them to judge distance is a bad idea and the other being that Vegas is sketchy as HELL in certain areas. But now we wanted the walk on principal and feeling rather butch post strip club—off we went through the scary dirty streets regardless of place or time.

During our walk we rehashed the night’s events; I admitted to Johnno that I was surprised that he would have willingly allowed me to marry Edie that night. It’s not that he had to give permission—he probably would have given me away—but I would have thought there would be at least had a moment’s hesitation. His response to that train of thought was simple—he already knew he had me and I had him so… In response I joked that my ring finger was bare and in response Johnno did the same gesture back to me. He then took my ring hand and squeezed my finger three times as he repeated that he had me.

That was the moment.

I already knew that I loved Johnno. I had had several conversations with people about my plans to try and propose to him in the future. I had a long check list of things to do, people for him to meet, circumstances to be in order before the “big” moment could happen. If I am good at anything it is over planning, over thinking—so much navel gazing that I could give those strippers a run for their money when it comes to contortions—to the point that I lock myself in neutral.

I always wait for the perfect time.

But in that moment—walking down the dirty streets of Vegas, slightly punch drunk from a long night with my friends, only moments after an aborted engagement—I knew what I wanted. The question has never been if I loved Johnno enough to marry him but whether I trusted enough in his love for me. I have always found loving someone to be the easiest thing in the world—it’s letting someone love me that has always been the hard part. Allowing myself to believe that someone could see all the sides of me—the good, the bad and the ugly—and want to put up with me has always been a tricky thing for me to grasp.

And yet…

I realized at that moment how much Johnno did get me. He gets that sometimes I will get drunk and meander my way across town, that I can be stubborn and choose to walk when we could ride, that I love my friends so much that I will force myself to watch naked ladies, that I am crazy enough to get married on a whim just because it’s there… He sees and loves all those parts of me—that’s a huge part of why he does love me at all.

It’s amazing.

So I dropped to one knee in the middle of a dirty Vegas sidewalk, next to an abandoned building, across the way from a vacant lot. I took his hand. I asked the world’s simplest, frightening, meaningful question and he said yes. Just like that—no thought or hesitation.

Yes.

Everything after that is blur of phone calls and texts and kissing and tears and a million other things rolled into one big jumble in my head. The only thing that sticks out is that I am now engaged to Johnno Houston Jones. Like engaged to be married—to spending the rest of my life with him--forever even.

Whoa

And for that I blame two Jens, a handful of strippers, a little bit of champagne and myself.

Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.) by Katy Perry

This is kind of how it all feels

http://www.vevo.com/watch/katy-perry/last-friday-night-tgif/USCA31100045

Sick

There is a LOT to write about and I plan to hit the ground running. Big surprise but the events of the last few days have left me feeling run down so I am waiting to tell the whole story soon...

I promise

Being Heather Locklear and Other Unexpected Choices

I'm not sure how this happened.

See, back in the 90s there was a little show called "Melrose Place"--about an apartment complex and the people who lived and worked there. Eventually the show expanded to include their careers--particularly Allison's--and that led to the introduction of her boss.

Amanda Woodward.

Heather Locklear broke on to the scene and made a scene as she competed with Allison during their time working at the same ad agency. There were short skirts and thinly veiled barbs, moments of backstabbing and teamwork. At the end of the day only one could be left standing and it would be the older and more worldly Miss Woodward.

I have become the Heather Locklear at my job.

As i have been preparing to wrap up my current show my only thought has been about long summer days of writing and tanning and working out and hanging out. I was and still am excited about a summer I can be a part of more now that BB is out of the picture.

Until the other day.

Walking through the office I ran into a old co-worker from a past show and he asked me for helping finding some people to fill a position. After a long conversation with Nolan about who he might know and possible positions--he asked why I wasn't being considered. It was a fair question and one I didn't know how to answer. Instead I pulled together my resume, sent an email to the old co-worker which lead to a phone call and a quick meeting with his boss. They seemed to like my resume but there was one or two skills I don't have--but it could still happen.

And then it came time to dance around the issue of end dates and commitments. Part of what has been going on at the current show is the slow winding down of work. i still have plenty to do but not so much that if I landed the new job i would be leaving them high and dry. It's something I always try not to do--for various reasons.

When I couldn't get a start date for the new job--if I landed it--I hedged on talking to my current boss about end dates and changing those because I knew I could mess up. The truth is I could tell him that there is little work for me to finish and that they could finish up without me--besides that i would still be at the same company and able to help out if needed. But since the new job had not given me an offer, I didn't want to talk my current job out of keeping me through to the end.

I want my money and be able to spend it too.

So once I knew a waiting game was under way I was okay. But it didn't hit me until then that I was bothered by the fact that I was leaving with no real certainty that I would be asked back to the production company any time soon. And the other guy who does my job is staying being because he is working on the newest season while I wrap up the last two.

Now here's the thing--I like this other guy Ricky. He's nice and eager and he means well--he's also young, not that detail orientated, and can be a bit much. I have no interest in fighting a 24 year old for his job--even if it is acknowledged that I do the job better in every way. I understood that he had been at the show longer and it made since they would try and keep him.

But in the aftermath of the possible new job--I suddenly felt myself annoyed that I was having to wait on things. I want to make plans and move forward one way or another. And the something else happened to push my buttons a bit more.

Ricky took vacation.

Now in freelance vacation never really happens. You usually at your show for such small windows that it is not possible to take time off--much less a week. Ricky had done this before--taking a week off--and while he was gone I was given all of his work and my work and it made me really resentful because I knew he was being kept while I was wrapping up my job. I didn't sign up for two jobs which already were taking 9 plus hours a day and it just smacked of unprofessional-ism.

And then he took a 2nd vacation.

As I said I was already on pins and needles about the entire new job/old job debate and when it was suddenly decided that I would finish up a sizable project of his that had to be done by a certain date--a date he would not be here for--I almost lost my mind and quit. I realized I was trying to fight a lazy 24 year old for a job I was better at and somehow this was supposed to be okay. It just literally broke my spirit for the better part of the day because while I love my job, my co-workers, my boss--the fact that this was happening AGAIN just really sucked.

I don't want to feel like I am better than a 24 year old at my job. I don't want to compete with him but yet I don't understand why i should have to pick up his slack. It's not like he is sick, or taking a day off, or some other major crisis. He just wants to take a long vacation in the middle of a busy production schedule and i am being left holding the bag.

And I am trying not to be bitter or mean but i just feel disrespected by this turn of events. I never understood the character motivation of Amanda on "Melrose" but for the first time I do. I want to speak up and complain about the situation--I want to point out my commitment and the lack of Ricky's but then it all boils down to me versus a 24 year old.

Not something to be proud of.

Summer Theme

I owe more than this---but

This Is Why I watched.

Just a fan video of General Hospital.



So much of it makes me cry. But not sad enough to watch the current hot mess airing.

I miss it.

Random Body Issues

I feel like I am finally back on track. After having some issues with my back for the past week--I am now able to workout for days back to back and not wake up in extreme pain. If you have never had back issues then consider yourself lucky--I have had to many days for my age where I have had to hobble myself throughout the town and back just to get things done.

Johnno of course worries that I should do more. See a doctor or get pain meds or even a chiropractor for help. But I can never seem to get myself to a place to do that. I always thought I had no real phobias--besides needles and crowds--but I have come to see that maybe I do. I worry that seeing a doctor about my back will lead to a series of expensive tests with no real solutions.

I have no proof of this.

I was trying to figure out why I felt this way. Part of me knew that it had to do with my friend Ty--Kelly's ex boyfriend--who struggled with his own his back. He had multiple surgeries on his back but was still having problems--my worse case scenario. But it wasn't until the other night that I suddenly clued into what might be the base of my issue.

My father.

When I was about 9 or 10 he was in a car accident where he broke his back. He spent months in pain and in bed--unable to do anything at all. It was scary for me and something that obviously stuck with me more than I thought. And while he healed and has been fine for the most part--it still made me worry for myself.

And the worst part is when I have my back issues--I must be flashing on the moment on some level--but the other side of the coin is my body issues. Being unable to work out, to try and lose weight and build a better body makes me upset. And when I get too upset I spiral into bad food and bad drink choices. Next thing you know I am eating a bag of fancy crackers without thought and suddenly everything fits funky.

It makes me sad.

And then it just ties into all my other self esteem issues. Whether or not I am attractive, whether or not guys would like me if available, and how it all pays to my sense of being. It opens up doors that should be nail shut. So then whenever my back is even sore I freak out.

I need to find solution--or coping mechanism.

Not Such A Gleeful Sound

It's hard to write a novel.

Scratch that.

It's hard to write in general.

Obvious and yet...

It doesn't help that when you stumble across a top ten TV show, randomly late one night, not one that you watch but you know is very popular and you see your plot happening on the screen. Not kind of your plot but thisclose to being your plot--from the gay kid, to the prom queen as cruel joke, to the emotional retaking of one's personal power. if that is not enough to stop your typing dead in it's tracks then what is? It doesn't help matters any more when you HATE the TV show that the storyline was stolen to....

Yeah--I hate Glee.

So now of course I am left in a "what to do?" situation. Both Samuel and Johnno think that the plot can be saved and turned around. There are some noticeable differences in the two stories between the characters, the timetable and how it falls out which means it could feel different. And it is focusing me on different aspects of my characters and how to make my version of prom and the prom fallout work. But still

It's hard to feel original when your plot is suddenly and hugely in front of you on a "watercooler" show.

I guess I should feel special?

Bored--Not Brokenhearted

I need to do something new with my hair. This means I have to go beyond my usual Supercuts experience and deal with hipsters. But that might be for the best

Either something like this



Or more like this



They might not seem that different but there is a world of styling and maintenance between them. I don't know but i have to have something more than the current!

.....

I almost had a moment in Starbucks. I made the decision--over the course of the weekend--that I would not be returning to BB unless I was at least offered a serious chance at a promotion. I held out hope that I would get an interviewing or a meeting but instead they turned around and offered the same position as last season.

It was not enough.

I came to realization that what I have been doing wrong was thinking that BB had anything to do with my career. The truth is it has always been a job where they pay well but with nowhere to grow and no upward movement at all. Even my promotion last year and less to do with me than with they fired somebody and I was foolish enough to be the one who said yes. I just thought that after how hard I worked last year, how much blood sweat and tears I put into the process--I would get more back.

Instead I got nothing at all for the effort. Barely even a thank you. BB is not good for my career and that is what I should be working on building--BB has no interest in that either way. I gave them plenty of times to prove otherwise--yet here we are.

And yet it sucks. It is very good money, I have made some amazing friends while there and it is a HUGE part of my LA life... I'm going to miss cigarettes with Walker and Stangle, gossiping with Renita, Scofield, Bennet, the faux flirting with Little, Tommy and Bumble Bee, cracking jokes with TK and Roden, seeing my girls like the Double Ks, Mr. Eugene, Miss Emps and just the big hugs you get that first day back from the most unlikely people.

Oh--the sound of Don booming "Rory George Lapointe" across the compound.

I'm really sad about the decision and a little mopey even if I know it will be the right thing in the long run. I just have to try and remember that for the next few days.

Jem/Jerrica

I have had a weird past few days. Nothing particular set them off, no drama, no crisis, nothing at all. I just--once again--realized that maybe I am my own biggest flaw or enemy or something...

I'm trying not to be negative.

Johnno had an old co-worker of his from the bookstore over to watch the royal wedding at the Dollhouse. I had come home from work and had plans to nap before meeting up with Joy to go over plans for her party. I figured I would meet the friend, be social and have a drink and then head out the door and on the streets. It seemed simple and it would be nice to meet someone that Johnno knew in LA from outside my social group because there is not a lot of those people.

But for some reason I was incredibly nervous when I woke up and came out into the living room. There was no reason to be--the guy friend hadn't really done anything to set me ill at ease--but I could not get comfortable. Instead I kind of slinked around the house, killing time before I managed to leave for my plans. I did talk and introduce myself but I just couldn't get comfortable.

I'm sure I came off as an asshole.

And as I made my way to Joy's I couldn't help but beat myself up. There is the part of me that knows I can be shy and aloof at points but there is the other me that likes clothes and dancing and being social--somehow I think this is the "Jerrica " side to me (AKA the real persona like in the show Jem!). That the shy and aloof side is the "Jem" personality that only comes out at random times. But nothing could be further than the truth and I don't know why my first reaction is that way.

I talked about this later with Kirby and she said that it is obvious when I am uncomfortable and I am always uncomfortable meeting new people. She pointed out that it is a very obvious facial thing I do and have always done--it doesn't make me friendly. I explained that i usually wait to see if the other person has any interest before engaging people and she said that maybe that was the problem.

I think she might be right.

But i don't know how to put away that self defense tool. It is something i have had for a long time and served me years of good. Unlike the Kirby's, Johnno's, and Edie's of the world I have no idea how to "fake it". Not in a negative sense but in the sense of just being so confident about their own personalities. Maybe that is the problem--I have confused my confidence in my own accomplishments, my own skill set that i never learned to be confident in my own personality. and I don't really know if there is a way to do that.

I would like to be more of a Jem than Jerrica. The irony is that Jem is totally fake. Maybe that is the core problem--i never learned that skill. Not that I'm saying people in my life are fake--they are not--but they always manage some type of interest or energy I can't mustard up until I am invested.

My bad.

In Case You Wanted to See

Prince



So close to the stage and yet transfixed by the monitor.



This picture makes us look further away than we were. But still--you can see the stage!!!!



I suspect he can hear me screaming his name.

Le sigh

A Thought On Today


Osama bin Laden is dead. One Buddhist’s response.

by Susan Piver



“In the Shambhala warrior tradition, we say you should only have to kill an enemy once every thousand years.” –Chogyam Trungpa

So, Osama bin Laden is dead. We killed him. There really was no choice. We were clearly in an “us or them” situation and if we didn’t kill him, he was going to continue to do everything in his power to kill us.

As Buddhists, we are supposed to abhor all killing, but what do you do when someone is trying to kill you? Obviously great theologians have pondered this question for millennia and I’m not going to try to pile on with my point of view, which would be totally useless.

Instead, I’ll pose this question: How do you kill your enemy in a way that puts a stop to violence rather than escalates it?

Strangely, I keep coming back to the same rather ordinary conclusion: the answer is in our ability to face our emotions. When we know how to relate to our anger, hatred, despair, and frustration fully and properly, they self-liberate. When we don’t, when we can’t tolerate them and therefore act them out, we create enormous sorrow and confusion.

Look at your own reaction this morning.

Was there even a hint of vengefulness or gladness at Osama bin Laden’s death? If so, that is a real problem. Whatever suffering he may have experienced cannot reverse even one moment of the suffering he caused. If you believe his death is a form of compensation, you are deluded.

There has been an outpouring of misdirected jubilation, as if a contest had been won. Nothing has been won. Unlike winning a sporting event, this doesn’t mean that our team has triumphed. Far from it. There is only one team and it is us.

One of us is gone, one horrific, terrible, vicious one of us…is gone. I don’t feel regret for him or about this. I’m regretful for the rest of us who are now left thinking that this is a cause for celebration. It is not. It is a cause for sorrow at our continued inability to realize that there is no such thing as us and them; that whatever we do to cause harm to one will harm us all.

When we hate, we cause hate. When we think we have won by vanquishing our enemy, we have lost. In killing Osama bin Laden, “they” lose because one of their leaders is gone. But we lose too, because we have deepened the causes and conditions that lead to more hatred and its consequences. This is not over.

Then, what to do? I don’t really know, but for me, rather than cheering on this day, I’m going to rededicate myself to the idea of brotherhood towards all, even those that want me dead—and not because I’m some kind of really good person. I’m not. Because I know it’s the only way to stay alive—in the only kind of world I want to inhabit.

Perhaps the way to kill your enemy as a way of putting a stop to violence rather than escalating is to shift our view of “enemy” altogether. Our enemy is not one person or country or belief system. It is our unwillingness to feel the sorrow of others—who are none other than us.

So take aim at this enemy completely and precisely. Feel your sadness for us and them so fully and completely that all boundaries are dissolved and we are left standing face to face, human to human, each feeling the other’s rage and despair as our own, one world to care for.

If you’d like to try to generate such a switch, please try loving kindness meditation. [listen] Here is audio instruction in the practice.

“…when you do not produce another force of hatred, the opposing force collapses.”– Chogyam Trungpa

Life List

So I am going to see Prince tonight. It is actually hard for me to stay grounded at work because all I can think about is how excited I am for this show. It's a very rare thing for me to get super caught up in things like this--even JT and Gaga had me less on edge--but Prince is one of those people I have spent my own life wanting to see.

He's on the list.

I don't mean the list of performers I want to see--though there is one--but on my life list of things I would like to do. He is somewhere between having cocktails with Amstead Maupin, visiting the Great Pyramids of Giza, publishing my first book and buying my first piece of real art. I guess it would be the bucket list but I have had this in my mind since 15 which is so before that phrase took trend.

So when my friend Charity told me all about her trip to Egypt this past summer and how much fun she had exploring all the old places in Cairo--I was extremely jealous. Like to the point that I didn't want to hear about it at all. She laughed at me when I said that and stated the following--

"You know you can do that, right?"

And it is true. So many things on my list seem like they are difficult if not impossible but the truth is I can do them. If I choose to focus on them. it's not that hard to save up money for a trip, or find a reading where Maupin might be or scan through Esty to find the exact piece of work that speaks to me. I could self publish my own book, I could try and see every one of my band, I could do all of this myself

It is just a matter of focus and effort and time. Instead of getting so caught up in the details of the everyday--I need to plan my attack for what I want.I can do that.

But first I have to see Prince. Priorities people!

Swing For The Fences

I have bee trying to get back into the swing of things. Between working on the entire "quitting that bad habit i have had for half my life", figuring out the best way to work out with my back acting up and just the general art of balancing naps, work, dating and life together--I haven't gotten much done.

well--I have read a lot of books.

But for the first time in a while I kind of feel at balance with everything. I'm not getting crazy moody about the smoking, not cheating on the no cheese aspect of the diet, managed to work out without throwing out my back and am still trying to work out the writing here and there thing. It is a bit hard.

all that said--I finally feel a bit back in the game and like I am getting stuff accomplished. It's time to make my list a bit bigger--get back in the social whirl, get my words flowing and even spend a little more time being awesome boyfriend. I figure I can handle all of that.

Yay.

Ain't That A Drag

Okay. I always say I don't watch reality TV but I am totally into "RuPaul's Drag Race". There is something I really enjoy about RuPaul in general and the show is a fun mix of badly behaving queens, trainwreck fashion and more random gay one liners than you can shake a stick at.

But I always hate the winner.

When it comes to the idea of a superstar--I just expect something more. More than looks or high fashion but a certain spark or magic in their performance. And it didn't happen with last season's winner and once again the mark fell short.

I just wish Raja had some kind of chemistry... She always seemed so lost and awkward during any kind of performance outside of a runway walk... Just uncomfortable, unable to portray serious emotions or even do sight lines in any of the video projects. I mean--her style is amazing at points and she could definitely pass for a glamorzon but--

It's kind of like the idea of hanging out with Cindy Crawford and Julia Roberts back in the day... I would imagine Miss Crawford to be a stunner but you would probably have your eyes drawn to the natural warmth and energy of Miss Roberts. I just never felt Miss Raja warm up and she was so obviously favored by the judges that she didn't have to.

And can Miss Michelle be gone next season? I just disliked everything about her--from her loud laughing cheer when Mimi was eliminated to her snide comments about almost all contestants such as "at least she can talk" referring to the difference between Alexis and Manila... Plus she brought back Carmen "I have nothing in my brain so I can't ever be interesting" Carrerra....

SIGH

I think after this I will just be turning in for Drag U from now on... All the funny queens with personality show up there like Pandora, Juju, Raven and such... That's why I watch--to be entertained.

Love What You Love

For some reason this video has changed my opinion on a few things; mostly Kei$ha, James Van Der Beek, unicorns, guns, rainbows and the costume choices of her label. Please enjoy the following video as proof.



Please people--it can't be all strum and drag on this blog. Happy day!

Sarah Jane Sadness

Growing up I was a huge Doctor Who fan. I spent many a Saturday afternoon caught up in the various worlds, companions, time lines and Doctors of the BBC. But there was no companion I loved more than Miss Sarah Jane Smith.

Spunky, sweet, brave, ballsy--Sarah Jane was the atypical 70s heroine in that she took care of herself and managed to get things done. She wasn't always practical or the smartest person in the room but she always tried her best and brought out the best in other around her.

Exactly the type of person I would want to be if a space traveler.

And now the actress who played her has passed on. Elisabeth Sladen died at the young age of 63 and in the second coming of her career as the star of her own Dr Who spin off--the Adventures of Sarah Jane Smith. While the fate of that show rests in limbo for the moment--I just wanted to send off the character in the right way.

The Empty Bed Itch

Finally the entire Dollhouse is on a day schedule--Johnno is working in an office, Lola is on a day shift with her job and I continue with my 9-5 (ish) madness. We're all still working out the morning routine, how to stay out of each others' way, how much pajamas to wear and the fastest way to get everyone up and going.

So far--so good.

But there is a brief moment every morning where Johnno is out of bed and I am alone with the entire mess for about 5 minutes. And I stretch out over the entire bed--arms, legs, fingers, toes all across the entire setup.

I never used to do this.

I'm not sure what it is about---it is slightly relaxing and may be good for my back. Someone suggested that it was because the bed was too cramped but I have had a lot of men in that bed (that size of bed--not the actual bed--I do change the mattress every couple of guys). This led to a conversation about the difference between sharing a bed when you know the other person has a home and making the bed home for two people. Another one of those "once you live together everything changes".

Does it?

I have actually thought a lot about this recently; between reading about Lucy's plans to move in with her doctor, Lola's ongoing long distance relationship and even just general rumblings from all the couples I know. I guess it is supposed to be a huge game changer and make things more difficult or stressful or complicated. But it doesn't really feel that way--sometimes I wonder if I am doing everything wrong since it has been so simple and quiet and understated.

With the exception of closet space. Seriously.

So in the interest of not creating undue drama I have decided to look at my morning bed acquisition as something positive. That me reclaiming the bed has less to do with "taking back personal space" and more to do with me having it all and wanting to "roll around" in it. And when it comes to explaining how that feels--the living together, not the rolling around in the bed--I am going to explain how it shouldn't feel different when you make that choice. About how the relationship should stay the same with the extra benefit of knowing where someone is at the end of the night.

Now that I think about it--the stretching into his personal space could be about how much I miss Johnno that early in the morning. But that would mean I have changed and am possibly codependent which is not the case and not something I would encourage.

Especially since I would still like to reclaim my closet.

Beginnings and Endings

This past week was an emotional one for me--unexpectedly so--but that has actually turned into a reason to try and push myself forward and onward. I have been struggling with a weird feeling of restlessness and ennui but I also know that this is also of my own making at the end of the day. it is up to me to change things.

I don't know if I have been so raw because I have cut back on my bad habits, if I am finally trying to get my sleep and workouts on track or if it just because I have been spending more time alone than normal. One of the downsides of Johnno working at the bookstore is there was a lot of "us" time suddenly open and I didn't really know what to do with it. Which makes me one of those daters I despise.

Or maybe it has just been the current trend of past favorites either being repackaged or ended or revamped in some way. Reading the new Sweet Valley novel reopened a place in my head from when I read the originals, how much fun things seemed and how much to look forward too. How I used to imagine myself running off to live in California--the perfect combination of Elizabeth and Jessica--personality wise. Smart but crafty, meek but bold when needed to be. I had this image of sunsets and surfers and Fiats up and down the coast... Not exactly what happened.

Maybe it was the cancellation of "All My Children" and "One Life To Live". Growing up I always imagined I would somehow end up in the highly glamorous job of writing for daytime dramas. Not only did I watch a little bit of each of the major shows--though Santa Barbara and General Hospital rules the roost--but I could tell you what was right and wrong with each show, who the headwriter's were, and the history of at least the core families. My goal was to someday surpass the William Bells, Agnes Nixons and Douglas Marlands of the genre and make it my own. Instead i have been slowly watching the death of the genre and people picking fun at the bones. It makes me beyond sad--I only wish that ABC could have at least waited until Agnes Nixon died before canceling every show she every created.

Perhaps it was the reboot of Scream 4. One of my favorite films, one of my favorite genres and one of the riskier ideas that could happen. I remember saying to Dominic that I didn't know--after the week I had with the shows being canceled and reading the SV novel--if I could handle a truly bad film. I went into the theatre dreading everything but came out pleasantly surprised. It was a fun ride, well cast with some great characters and a handful of good twists and creepy murders. That at least restored my faith in things.

Which oddly enough gave me hope.

I know that I am the only one responsible for how things turn out. I need to sit down and think about what I want--really want--and how far I am willing to go to make those things happen. Whether it is working on my body, my head, my relationships and my friendships--it is really just a matter of putting the pieces together, making a plan and moving forward. It is just that simple

As part of that i plan to make better use of the blog. What that means is spending my mornings putting down my words and thoughts more than pictures and music reviews. I have the time at my job to do this for now and it is a good practice to clear out my head and make room for better things. Doesn't mean it will be negative but instead it will be more like a mystery with the various pieces coming into place.

I Want



I want the artist did this masterful oil on canvas of Lil Wayne be committed to do one of me post haste. Who would have guessed this would be the painting that would make me reconsider buying art? I sense a birthday gift or some type of chairty event to make this happen

ALL I WANT



Is to be home with a copy of this, a bottle of champs and some alone time. It would make the 12 in me happy and make the 20 something in me even more excited!

Drama-cakes

This makes so much sense and it comes from kurt Vonnegut. Who would have guessed that one?



This is what real life looks like.



This is a common fairy tale.



This is a disaster flick



This is what real life looks like. The point he makes is that he we are brought up to believe that the first two kinds of story are what our lives should be like when the last example is how most play out. This is why we fight, gossip, dream--and like sports, TV and film among others.

Seems pretty on the mark

Fashion Whore

Maybe I can pull this off



I have been obsessed with boots and jeans but am unsure how to best pair them. I do like this idea though... Maybe I will try this tomorrow

Movie whore



This movie should have been good. This movie is proof that casting is important. This movie could be shown at film schools as an example of studio's overstepping in the process. This film needs to give me back at least 20 minutes of my life.

That being said--it will be watched on DVD to hear someone justify what went wrong.

Just Call Me Kelly--Or the Saga of Brandon and Dylan

I have been having a bit of a struggle with my career lately. I have been torn between much current job--which I love--and my summer love of BB. The problem started when it became obvious that i would have to start planning out my life post the current season of my prison show--it was getting to the wrap up point but there was already another season on the way.

And when my boss talked to me about it--he just assumed I would want to stay and take over the new season over my co-worker. When he gave me the time table for the production I realized that it would overlap BB by handful of weeks and it threw me for a loop. So when I voiced that concern, my boss sat me down and asked me if I didn't like working for him and if that was why I wanted to leave.

I wasn't expecting what happened next.

I found myself getting emotional over the possibility of having to chose. I like my new job--my boss is great, my co-workers fun and respectful, and the company itself is great to work for. If I had my way and they offered me a regular position here I would totally stay. I was surprised that my boss seemed so taken aback that i would leave and it made me feel guilty--like I was disappointing him. it's rare for any job to inspire that kind of loyalty but there it was.

But on the flip side--I have a long history with BB. It is one of the number one shows of it's kind and the further up the ladder I climb, the more doors that open for me. It is where I have met some of my favorite people in the business and it has given me a lot in terms of money, experience and memories. But i don't really know what their next plans are for me and I am not sure what i want from them.

There is a part of me that wants to get to the next level up in the show's story department. lord knows I have paid my dues and put my time in; it is obvious that I love the show and after what I was willing (and in the end) able to all last summer it should be a no brainer. But there really is no way for me to know the game plan and the show doesn't really start to make those choices for at least a month. So my hands were tied.

I was basically in a position to have to chose. The best way to compare it is this--BB is that dangerous boy that you have the mad crush on. (AKA Dylan). He doesn't always call when he says he will, doesn't ask you out every Saturday night and leaves you hanging on edge for his next move. But when he is good he is amazing and it's enough to make the wait worth it.

And my other show is the dependable sweetheart. (AKA Brandon). I know he likes me, he is always there to make me smile, to cheer me up when I am feeling down. He asks about my feelings and would bring me flowers if I asked him too. But he also is just a bit too good and dependable--there's no excitement or thrill. He would adore me forever but I am the type who needs to be loved passionately.

(so many issues in that last statement)

But to make things more complicated--i am not sure what I want at all. I don't know what BB will offer but I am mostly sure that I don't want to go back in the old position. I am not sure if I could do another summer of that for multiple reasons; the time issues, the lack of life, the lack of support. I know I am capable of the position and by the end of the summer I totally owned that show but still... I just don't know if I want that again.

Which makes it harder to talk with BB. I don't know how to balance my desires versus the possibilities. If I talk to them and demand to know their gameplan for me--i am worried they will offer my the old position again and if I turn it down then I become the problem. It would be like me telling Dylan "I want to know what you want from me--but only if that means you will take me to the prom. I don't want any other type of date..." It just feels like it could go shitty.

And now Brandon is bending over backwards for me. The current job worked out a position to keep me here till June without working on the new show. They created a position for me to keep and even offered me the chance to be able to help write one part of one of the new episodes for the spin show they have... and they told me in no uncertain terms that they will do whatever they can to keep me working there for as long as I want and they can offer.

So now I am torn and there is nothing I can do.

It's like I am sitting by the phone the night before the big dance--waiting to see who will call first... and I am not sure I won't try and screen the call.

Like A George Michael Song

I don't do well at faith. The idea that things can just work themselves out with much more than a belief that they can. I am a believer in doing for myself, taking care of my own business and being responsible for my own destiny.

But sometimes that gets hard.

I wish that i could just be a person who could trust in things. I imagine that it would be easier to just take things as they go, to not worry or plan as much as I do. I wish I could be that kind of person who just "knows" things can work out if I stop trying to over examine them. I don't know how to do this.

Maybe it is because of how I grew up, because of all the things that went the wrong way even though I did nothing to cause that to happen. I wish that I could just write those experiences off. But on the flip side; i know that I am capable of so much when i apply myself. There are things that i have done that most people wouldn't or couldn't. I have made difficult choices but ones that have worked out for me. I know my limits but I know how to stretch them--I am capable of almost evrything I set my mind on.

and this is all through me. Yes there are been times when people or circumstances helped to make things happen but even then I still took the first step. I don't sit around on my hands, hope and wish for things or just try to wait them out. I am proactive and even when it goes wrong--it goes wrong on my own terms. There is something to be said for that.

But sometimes when things get rough or I am unsure what to do--I wish i could just hold out and believe they will work out naturally. But only sometimes.

Fashion whore

I would so wear at least one of the sweaters in this picture. Can you guess which one?



it is a hefty challenge no?

The Things You Love

So I am day 7 of giving up cheese. (though there was one day where I had a slip up--I am keeping the proper count to stay loyal to the process) I had decided that for Valetine's Day I would make a promise to myself--to make a healthier lifestyle choice and get back to the body goals I set for myself. Part of this was feeling a bit more wider than usual and part of it was my curiosity of what i could accomplish.

So the current plan is working out at least five days a week--which is possible--and giving up on cheese as way to manage my fat content and force more veggies into my mouth. In some ways it has worked with more salad, more side veggies with dinner but most importantly--it is less easy to absent-mindedly pop things into my mouth.

And I can see a change. I just have to work on keep that change constant and making sure it is what i want and remembering how to get it. I want to look good and feel good--both about how I look but about my general health. It is hard at points but the boy is good in supporting me and I am even better at remembering why i want what I want.

And now it is time to work out--which is something I have come to love.

Adding To The Story

For the boyfriend's birthday I decided the best way to celebrate a big number was for us to FINALLY go on a trip of our own... No friends or weddings, family or birthdays but just the two of us on our own seeing somewhere new together.

I picked San Francisco because I knew enough about the city to have things to show but not too much to not be able to find new things. Johnno hadn't been since he was young so it would be new to him and the perfect mix of exeprience and possibility. I was excited to be able to show something to him but more to crreate something for us.

We flew out on a Friday night--delayed of course--but we finally arrived in the city in the dark of night. After a hair-raising super shuttle ride which involved us being lost for another of a time period to make me more insane--we finally found our cute little bed and breakfast in Castro. I figured Castro was gay enough, foot friendly enough and romantic enough for us to have something to do each day even if we never left it.

But of course we did the gayborhood and head out into the city. I immediately got us lost trying to walk down to the wharf--sending us up a hill and away from the water which is pretty impressive considering you can see where the damn water is. The iphone--aka my arch enemy--was of no use and it took a bit to get things going right but once we did--it was off and running.

We managed to make our way through the city to the water, see the seals, pictures of the Golden Gate Bridge, and more confusion as we tried to find the right bar. We were on a mission and hungry and tired--which is not a good combination for either of us but we eventually collapsed into the Buena Vista for amazing Irish coffees and conversation.

This is where the romance part started. We spend time lingering over coffees and tellling each other stories about who we were before "us"; about the people dated before, the things we did as kids, the little pieces of histroy that somehow had stayed in the background. It was relaxing and reassuring that we continue to have so much to say to each other, still so much to share and live through together. Sometimes the hardest part is to not assume or get comfortable--this afternoon showed me how much more we could have to be for each other.

We then spent the remainder of the day exploring--post sex nap--and I showed him the little things I learned about the city from other trips. We stood in the City Lights bookstore and looked at books about the Beat poets and drank in the atmosphere as writers can do. We wandered the dark streets of Chinatown and laughed at the umbrellas and kimonios, the geisha pictures and lucky cat statues. We had dinner at the same romantic resteraunt I took Chloe once by accident--we stared out over the city as we sipped cocktails and enjoyed great food. And even though the fortune cookie through me off--"accept the next proposition you get"... We recovered from fate's plans and made our way back out into the streets.

We drank in pretty bars and ate lunch next to dogs, we played pool in bars named after famous whales and shared champaigne while ignoring the Super Bowl for a bit... We had many more moments--holding hands and little smiles, lots of moments that should make me embarrassed.... I never knew how much a bed and breakfast can make you feel like you are having sex in your parents house.

And then it was time to come home--back to where we both live and sleep. There was something reassuring about that--to know we had a place to belong after we saw the city together. It wasn't so much about the Dollhouse but about us having a home with each other. It's the major plot of our lives right now.

Quote of the Week

This is from Edie regarding music but life in general....

"Just think people waste too much time on being negative when there is too much to celebrate and embrace"

True enough

Take Back The Night

I have had few regrets in my life--times when i should have stayed dressed but got naked, turned wine into water so that I would feel better, times when I should have called instead of emailing... I am more than capable of screwing up on my own.

But there are times when I haven't screwed up, when what I was accused of was unfair, or being held accountable to standards that I never knew. It doesn't happen much because I refuse to take it but, refuse to back down, refuse unearned blame....

Until Lizzie.

She was part of the group, one of my core friends, someone I gave a lot to who just one day blew my world apart. She decided she didn't want to be our friend anymore, spent her time accusing us of being awful people and walked all over us. It was painful and mean and unnecessary--if she wanted a different life she could go and have it--she didn't need to set us all on fire.

And as the last stand for our friendship--I threw her a last minute birthday party out on the town at a crazy fetish club with a large group of our friends. It was something she always wanted to do, something that she had talked about for years and I put the plan in motion to surprise her with wigs, make up and outfit options before we took her on the town.

It ended up being a disaster.

The night itself was fun--everyone got into the evening and there was drinking and dancing and dirty little moments abounded. We all enjoyed the shows and the spanking table and the sexiness of the evening and the car ride home was one of the best we ever had. Everyone was happy and gleeful and memorable. Even Lizzie

It was the days after--when I was accused of throwing a party to manipulate her, that everything we did was meant to be selfish and unfair to her, and it ended with a dramatic phone call where I just finally closed the chapter. Done.

But it made the night become one of infamy. All my memories of the fun became about how much Lizzie turned it against us, how resentful i was that she took something that had been great and shit all over it. It made me hate that day.

Until now.

Edie found out that the club night was closing and decided it was time for us to go ahead and give it a fond send off. She put the ball in motion but Lola and Kelly made it a reailty--that we did need to go and have one last blast and in the process reclaim the situation. So we all put on our best corsets and wings, hats and heels, glitter and lipstick for the last night of the big show.

Was it different? Of course it was--different people have come into our lives since then and were apart of it like Bailey and Johnno... We have all become slightly different and hopefully better people since then and were definitely able to spend more money and make it more of a show.

But more importantly--it reminded me of how good the first night there was. It is hard when someone walks out of your life, someone who attacks you and blames you, someone who makes you question your intents and qualities. But now I see both nights clearly and know it wasn't me that destroyed everything. I did play a part--I'm not perfect--but I was did try to fix things and try to be a better friend.

That is all you can do somethings.

And the irony is that it took a night of go go dancers, s&m theme theater, man-liner and a bunch of drinks and dances to remember that. That as long as I can say I tried then I don't have to stew in the past; I did do all that I could. I did try to take back the friendship but couldn't.

And now I have taken back that night.

The Proof Is In The Picture

I have been a little worried lately about my body issues... I have been trying to regain my workout schedule, try different food plans and just be more aware. It didn't help that I joined an eating group on-line being run by some friends of mine.

What was coming out of it was a sense of failure or judgement--it depending on the day or who was posting. Sometimes it would be as simple as the calories being burned by some people and sometimes it would be the realization that the person complaining on line had 13% body fat.

It made me feel worse.

But then we all went for a club night--wearing crazy costumes, eye make up and looking like a cross between Moulin Rogue or Rocky Horror. I decided to go sleeveless with a vest enough though I wasn't sure about the arms even with the push ups and the pullups... But I decided to do it anyways because I am slowly learning to just make peace with what I can work on. Slowly.

And I was rewarded with this.



I love this picture--I look good and it makes me want to keep working on it. Just some validate things

Can I Be A Pimp Please

I would like to wear this



I would end up looking like Rachel Zoe's old assistant Brad drunk on a bender but what a great time it would be. I mean--this could work if I had a beard to keep it butch right?

So Excited



This makes me so on edge of my seat. i love these films!

Happy

I need to stop being so thrown by people's happiness. Or rather--I need to stop question what make other people happy. For a long time I have associated happy people with simple people, stupid people, shallow people--the ones who don't think about much, want for much or do much.

This makes me a snob.

And what i am starting to realize is that I am mostly happy. I have moments where I bliss out about how much of my life is going great. Moments where I can barely pick apart the faults and stare at the cracks in my life. And this doesn't make me any less aware or creative or smart or interesting.

It just makes me more stable and centered. There is nothing wrong with that. So maybe I need to start embracing the happiness I have in my life. Spend lunch breaks daydreaming, spending nights relaxing and the moments enjoying the fruits of my labor (Tee Hee)

Or just start drinking more and wearing black and acting angsty to balance it all out.

Fashion Whore



I would like this please.... not in this color but it is such an AWESOME idea that will be in a charity closet five years later. But it will be cool in the meantime.

Learn Something

So this past weekend was crazy... Between the boyfriend's 30th birthday, his sister and her fiancee arriving in town and Edie's brief visit to LA--everything has been running on all levels. It's a good feeling to be busy but all i want now is to sleep on the floor of the handicapped bathroom at my office.

Gross but true

And I did learn a lot of things this past weekend from all the people I saw and talk with and ate with and danced with and watched football with and rode in cars with. Sometimes I get so caught up in the idea of how things were that I forget what thing truly are--about people, places and my expectations.

I learned there is nothing wrong with being the person who dances all night alone of the floor of a tranny bar. Sure people may stop and stare, you might have to dance to a couple awful songs and you will get hit on by people you would rather hit... But there is something freeing about not giving a fuck and losing yourself to what you want more than what anyone else would want for you....

Just because people see a problem doesn't mean that they are really part of the solution. I didn't really notice how the same people who complain about certain social traits in LA are also the same people who do not try and fix those things at all!!! And I was really surprised that the people who put the most effort into making things better were not at all who i expected or how I thought it would play out. Be gone with the judging...

Some people have no context for themselves or their behavior... Sometimes it sucks when that is obvious and a problem but--you can't save anyone from themselves. And sometimes they don't know that they have a problem so who are you to decide and point it out to them? I wouldn't want that for myself.

And finally--we don't know how much time we have left. Nothing is a given in this life and so you have to try and make the most of what you are allowed to have. It sounds trite and miserable but it is also true. Nothing is more haunting then the moment you realize that everyone you know someday will die.

Embrace the lessons and live better--that's what I have to do now.

Petty

So my friend Chloe today posted the following picture



She joked that the universe was sending her a message that her diet was possibly following around the greater metro area. It is kind of funny. But it got me thinking into how so many people in my life are suddenly all about healthy eating and cleanses and hiking and running –all the New Years type stuff. And while we are barely two weeks in--I find it a bit frustrating.

I know this is not fair.

I guess what bugs me are that there are people in my life who are so constant in how they take care of themselves. People who are always working on their eating habits, who work out every day because they need it, people who pass up the sugar and booze, who pay attention and make their own healthy habits.

They are the types who will talk about it if you ask them; they will give details or tips, explain what they have changed or adapted their bodies too, but they don’t feel the need to constantly talk about it or pressure others to adapt to their timetable.

I mean—I don’t eat a lot of common things anymore. You don’t hear me complain about the coffee being served not being decaf—I bring my own. You don’t see Johnno complaining about how there’s no cheese or veggies to eat at a party so that he is left with cookies and pizza rolls and chips. We both try to take responsibility for our choices and we put our backs into it.

So when suddenly everyone else around me is getting obsessed with talking about their running, about how the party needs to have better food choices for them, and complains about how hard it is… I just have a gallon of shut up waiting to be poured on the situation. I figure I can wait out a month or two before I get worked up but I am still bugged by it.

I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things and I should just let it go. I just don’t want to suffer through the complaints and the struggle as if it is some new thing to our lives. Some of us have been doing this all along.

Can I Be A Pimp Please? 70's Style That Is....

I am not sure why but i totally wish I could rock this look out and about in LA. (But not the sweatpants portion--no me gusta) But there is something about the hat that appeals to me but could also go horribly awry.

http://www.thesartorialist.com/photos/10911SeoulHatWeb.jpg

The Project At Hand

So I have decided to backburner the novel for awhile—mostly due to the fact that I was getting a bit burnt out creatively and knew that I would like a clear focus for when I restarted the rewrite process. But I am not going to rest on my laurels and decided to try for something else.

The game plan right now is to try and make myself write short stories for the next couple of months. The goal is to try and get one done about every ten days—nothing super long but small pieces to either explore working on my voice or trying out characters and situations that I have in my mind that might not fit into the “novel” concept.

And to keep myself accountable I will be posting these pieces on my secondary blogger log for people to read if they would like. I imagine I will be sticking to mostly young adult themes and characters but will hopefully play more with characters of different races, sexes, sexuality and cultural backgrounds. I think this is a good comprise with my current situation and might inspire me to find new characters or narratives.

High Horse

I am trying to get myself back on the horse regarding my eating decisions. the boy and I are still trying to avoid sugar, corn syrup and carbs like we have been through the last two years but I finally cracked over the course of the holidays. Not during the holidays of course--because that would be expected.

The irony is Johnno had made point of bringing up how good I had been in the face of temptation--the parties, the dinners, the gifts and how I managed to dodge cookies and candy and pasta. it wasn't until the DAY AFTER Christmas that I finally lost all restrain and ate so much sugar that i woke up sick to my stomach the next day. and so I decided it was time to readdress the whole deal.

I needed to get back on a proper workout schedule--I hadn't since i started the new job and would only work it in here and there. i made a lot of excuses but knew that it was time to stop with that. i bought myself a chin up bar and have been rocking that out with some success--though I am no Linda Hamilton in T2

And I have been attempting to forgo cheese--at least during the week. i am not sure how this will play out long term with our already restricted eating plan. I am worried about needing more options but it hasn't driven me crazy yet. And i am trying to rediscover the balance between healthy eating with the right amount of meals and choices.

it's hard.

But that being said--I know what I can do because I have done it before. Fighting off a few pounds that returned and staying on track is not that hard to do. I just have to resist the urge to ply the boy with bad food so that he chubs and makes me look thinner by default.

That would not be cool.

Reflection After The Fact

So it is the night of the 2nd--things have finally started to get back to normal in the post holiday days... There's no more parties or recovery brunches, last minute travel and all the guests have said good-bye. It is also the first time I have really felt like I could sit down and reflect on 2010.

It is really easy to get caught up in the bad years and fixated on them. We have all had bad years--years where people were dumped, or lost their jobs or worried about families and loved ones. Those years hit the hardest and stick the most once they are gone--mine was 2006/2007. (They run neck and neck.)

But that was not the case this year. If anything this year was one of the good ones--if not one of the best.

I started off this year working on the "Rachel Zoe Project"--a show filmed with fashion and celebirties, madness and personalities. (and that was just behind the scenes) It was a show that forced me to look at my own sense of style--it got my first pair of boots, to wear an ascot and a headband, to seriously consider how I wanted people to see me. It was fun to work on a show where I liked the people and respect the theme of the show. It doesn't always happen that way.

And I came straight out of that show and back to "Big Brother". It was a novel feeling to come out of one project and right into another with only days between them. And while I wasn't thrilled how it happened; it was the year of my big promotion to the story department.

It showed me how much I was willing to do for something I wanted--to work long hours, to find my voice and process with my words. I proved to myself how much I could do and how far I could go and while it wasn't always perfect I saw just who was and could be. Not only did I prove something to the show; I proved it to myself.

And I finished out the year with my new show "Lock Up" for MSNBC. It is a prison show and different from anything else I have worked on. It is interesting to see not only a world of that I have never been a part of but a show that is about the type of place my father works. I am gaining really insight into people and places that I would never see--hopefully--and I am astounded by what I am learning.

And all this means that i have worked a lot this year. 10 months of work is hard to come by in the freelance world and is something that I am grateful for. In an economy where so many of us have been effected--it is nice to feel safe for a little while.

But it hasn't just been the year of my career. I spent a lot of time working on my writing, working through my novel and getting back in touch with my creative side. It hasn't been easy but is the one area that I am most glad to have put my effort and heart. It is hard to remember and make time for my words but I did that this year. And while the novel is on hold for a bit--it has sharpened my mind and put me back on track. The details of what that means are forthcoming.

And finally--the biggest change of the past year. Johnno moved into the Dollhouse and even more into my life. If you had told me how seamless this would all feel or that I would even make that move this past year--i would have laughed. And yet here I am, living with the man I love and able to be open to sharing my life more than i have with anyone. It has been filled with small moments of domestic bliss, moments of tribulation and yet it has shown me so much about both of us. And has made me truly grateful to both Edie and Lola for allowing this to happen.

Of course this isn't all that happened. I had more time with my friends than I had in years--Edie was in LA more than ever, Pretty and Mary Frances and Chloe and Naomi all came to visit LA at various points, and I developed better relationships with people like Thomas and Skylar. I made new friends in various places in my life and new memories with friends that I already hold close.

There were nights at tranny bars and bunny museums, drinking at Hollywood bars and walking the streets of Portland in search of coffee. I spent nights in cabs with friends across downtown and went off in search of temples and Asian wares. I was kissed at midnight by the right person and was on national tv with one of my best friends and her mother. I did a lot of things I wanted and even some I didn't. (I'm looking at you jury duty.)

And through it all I learned so much about life. About how to love someone, about how to make a career of why my words matter so much and why I have the friendships I have. I hope to take what I already have and continue to make it thrive in the new year. I know that I can do this and hope to take the people in my life on that same journey.

And it's not just about the boyfriend or the best friends but about everyone I care about. It will be about coworkers and family members, neighbors and roommates. I want to continue to make the best of all my time with travel and coffee, memories and actions, words and fashion.

I want to be able to be this happy a year from now.