Reflection After The Fact

So it is the night of the 2nd--things have finally started to get back to normal in the post holiday days... There's no more parties or recovery brunches, last minute travel and all the guests have said good-bye. It is also the first time I have really felt like I could sit down and reflect on 2010.

It is really easy to get caught up in the bad years and fixated on them. We have all had bad years--years where people were dumped, or lost their jobs or worried about families and loved ones. Those years hit the hardest and stick the most once they are gone--mine was 2006/2007. (They run neck and neck.)

But that was not the case this year. If anything this year was one of the good ones--if not one of the best.

I started off this year working on the "Rachel Zoe Project"--a show filmed with fashion and celebirties, madness and personalities. (and that was just behind the scenes) It was a show that forced me to look at my own sense of style--it got my first pair of boots, to wear an ascot and a headband, to seriously consider how I wanted people to see me. It was fun to work on a show where I liked the people and respect the theme of the show. It doesn't always happen that way.

And I came straight out of that show and back to "Big Brother". It was a novel feeling to come out of one project and right into another with only days between them. And while I wasn't thrilled how it happened; it was the year of my big promotion to the story department.

It showed me how much I was willing to do for something I wanted--to work long hours, to find my voice and process with my words. I proved to myself how much I could do and how far I could go and while it wasn't always perfect I saw just who was and could be. Not only did I prove something to the show; I proved it to myself.

And I finished out the year with my new show "Lock Up" for MSNBC. It is a prison show and different from anything else I have worked on. It is interesting to see not only a world of that I have never been a part of but a show that is about the type of place my father works. I am gaining really insight into people and places that I would never see--hopefully--and I am astounded by what I am learning.

And all this means that i have worked a lot this year. 10 months of work is hard to come by in the freelance world and is something that I am grateful for. In an economy where so many of us have been effected--it is nice to feel safe for a little while.

But it hasn't just been the year of my career. I spent a lot of time working on my writing, working through my novel and getting back in touch with my creative side. It hasn't been easy but is the one area that I am most glad to have put my effort and heart. It is hard to remember and make time for my words but I did that this year. And while the novel is on hold for a bit--it has sharpened my mind and put me back on track. The details of what that means are forthcoming.

And finally--the biggest change of the past year. Johnno moved into the Dollhouse and even more into my life. If you had told me how seamless this would all feel or that I would even make that move this past year--i would have laughed. And yet here I am, living with the man I love and able to be open to sharing my life more than i have with anyone. It has been filled with small moments of domestic bliss, moments of tribulation and yet it has shown me so much about both of us. And has made me truly grateful to both Edie and Lola for allowing this to happen.

Of course this isn't all that happened. I had more time with my friends than I had in years--Edie was in LA more than ever, Pretty and Mary Frances and Chloe and Naomi all came to visit LA at various points, and I developed better relationships with people like Thomas and Skylar. I made new friends in various places in my life and new memories with friends that I already hold close.

There were nights at tranny bars and bunny museums, drinking at Hollywood bars and walking the streets of Portland in search of coffee. I spent nights in cabs with friends across downtown and went off in search of temples and Asian wares. I was kissed at midnight by the right person and was on national tv with one of my best friends and her mother. I did a lot of things I wanted and even some I didn't. (I'm looking at you jury duty.)

And through it all I learned so much about life. About how to love someone, about how to make a career of why my words matter so much and why I have the friendships I have. I hope to take what I already have and continue to make it thrive in the new year. I know that I can do this and hope to take the people in my life on that same journey.

And it's not just about the boyfriend or the best friends but about everyone I care about. It will be about coworkers and family members, neighbors and roommates. I want to continue to make the best of all my time with travel and coffee, memories and actions, words and fashion.

I want to be able to be this happy a year from now.