Just Call Me Kelly--Or the Saga of Brandon and Dylan

I have been having a bit of a struggle with my career lately. I have been torn between much current job--which I love--and my summer love of BB. The problem started when it became obvious that i would have to start planning out my life post the current season of my prison show--it was getting to the wrap up point but there was already another season on the way.

And when my boss talked to me about it--he just assumed I would want to stay and take over the new season over my co-worker. When he gave me the time table for the production I realized that it would overlap BB by handful of weeks and it threw me for a loop. So when I voiced that concern, my boss sat me down and asked me if I didn't like working for him and if that was why I wanted to leave.

I wasn't expecting what happened next.

I found myself getting emotional over the possibility of having to chose. I like my new job--my boss is great, my co-workers fun and respectful, and the company itself is great to work for. If I had my way and they offered me a regular position here I would totally stay. I was surprised that my boss seemed so taken aback that i would leave and it made me feel guilty--like I was disappointing him. it's rare for any job to inspire that kind of loyalty but there it was.

But on the flip side--I have a long history with BB. It is one of the number one shows of it's kind and the further up the ladder I climb, the more doors that open for me. It is where I have met some of my favorite people in the business and it has given me a lot in terms of money, experience and memories. But i don't really know what their next plans are for me and I am not sure what i want from them.

There is a part of me that wants to get to the next level up in the show's story department. lord knows I have paid my dues and put my time in; it is obvious that I love the show and after what I was willing (and in the end) able to all last summer it should be a no brainer. But there really is no way for me to know the game plan and the show doesn't really start to make those choices for at least a month. So my hands were tied.

I was basically in a position to have to chose. The best way to compare it is this--BB is that dangerous boy that you have the mad crush on. (AKA Dylan). He doesn't always call when he says he will, doesn't ask you out every Saturday night and leaves you hanging on edge for his next move. But when he is good he is amazing and it's enough to make the wait worth it.

And my other show is the dependable sweetheart. (AKA Brandon). I know he likes me, he is always there to make me smile, to cheer me up when I am feeling down. He asks about my feelings and would bring me flowers if I asked him too. But he also is just a bit too good and dependable--there's no excitement or thrill. He would adore me forever but I am the type who needs to be loved passionately.

(so many issues in that last statement)

But to make things more complicated--i am not sure what I want at all. I don't know what BB will offer but I am mostly sure that I don't want to go back in the old position. I am not sure if I could do another summer of that for multiple reasons; the time issues, the lack of life, the lack of support. I know I am capable of the position and by the end of the summer I totally owned that show but still... I just don't know if I want that again.

Which makes it harder to talk with BB. I don't know how to balance my desires versus the possibilities. If I talk to them and demand to know their gameplan for me--i am worried they will offer my the old position again and if I turn it down then I become the problem. It would be like me telling Dylan "I want to know what you want from me--but only if that means you will take me to the prom. I don't want any other type of date..." It just feels like it could go shitty.

And now Brandon is bending over backwards for me. The current job worked out a position to keep me here till June without working on the new show. They created a position for me to keep and even offered me the chance to be able to help write one part of one of the new episodes for the spin show they have... and they told me in no uncertain terms that they will do whatever they can to keep me working there for as long as I want and they can offer.

So now I am torn and there is nothing I can do.

It's like I am sitting by the phone the night before the big dance--waiting to see who will call first... and I am not sure I won't try and screen the call.