Random Body Issues

I feel like I am finally back on track. After having some issues with my back for the past week--I am now able to workout for days back to back and not wake up in extreme pain. If you have never had back issues then consider yourself lucky--I have had to many days for my age where I have had to hobble myself throughout the town and back just to get things done.

Johnno of course worries that I should do more. See a doctor or get pain meds or even a chiropractor for help. But I can never seem to get myself to a place to do that. I always thought I had no real phobias--besides needles and crowds--but I have come to see that maybe I do. I worry that seeing a doctor about my back will lead to a series of expensive tests with no real solutions.

I have no proof of this.

I was trying to figure out why I felt this way. Part of me knew that it had to do with my friend Ty--Kelly's ex boyfriend--who struggled with his own his back. He had multiple surgeries on his back but was still having problems--my worse case scenario. But it wasn't until the other night that I suddenly clued into what might be the base of my issue.

My father.

When I was about 9 or 10 he was in a car accident where he broke his back. He spent months in pain and in bed--unable to do anything at all. It was scary for me and something that obviously stuck with me more than I thought. And while he healed and has been fine for the most part--it still made me worry for myself.

And the worst part is when I have my back issues--I must be flashing on the moment on some level--but the other side of the coin is my body issues. Being unable to work out, to try and lose weight and build a better body makes me upset. And when I get too upset I spiral into bad food and bad drink choices. Next thing you know I am eating a bag of fancy crackers without thought and suddenly everything fits funky.

It makes me sad.

And then it just ties into all my other self esteem issues. Whether or not I am attractive, whether or not guys would like me if available, and how it all pays to my sense of being. It opens up doors that should be nail shut. So then whenever my back is even sore I freak out.

I need to find solution--or coping mechanism.