Revisit the Moment

Okay...so Irene's friend asked me this question the other night when we at some party. THE QUESTION. If you're single then you know it. The one that well meaning relatives ask at holidays, new co-workers broach it over drinks, a friend of a friend might ask.... (if you know this then say it with me...)

So, are you seeing someone?

I never know quite how to answer this question... (Outside of the sarcastic... "Oh shit, no, thanks for reminding me.... I was going to and then I got busy...) For some people this is a rough question. Throws them into a pit of self-doubt, double guessing, wondering...why aren't I? But for me, to be honest, it doesn't ring any bells... Set off any alarms.

The thing is... I know that I'm not in the place to be in a relationship. And I don't know how to explain that to others... That feeling of I'm not ready... I don't want it right now. That I'm not lonely, that I'm not afraid that time is running out. That I'm not missing anything. That I'm happy enough to work on who I am. That being alone is better than being in a relationship and wondering.... How did I get here... I don't know if this is normal... Not many people talk about this stuff, about how maybe being with someone else isn't the right choice. But I think sometimes it is. It is okay to work on being your own best date. That sometimes being in a relationship only hides one from the things they need to do to better ones self.... I'd rather wait then play act in a relationship that I'm not ready for....

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"So if you not ready for love you should stay single?"
"Why not? If nobody ever got married or had children unless they were really in love, don't you think it would clean up a lot of the mess around here?"
"Miami?"
"Life."
"But then so many people would be alone."
"Is that such a terrible thing? I remember the first time I was lying in bed alone and feeling sorry for myself and I said, Wake up, Iris. Wake up. How many times have you been in bed with someone who was making you feel bad? Unconfident, unloved, or constantly having to hustle to deserve to be loved. Or being cheated on. And I thought, this is definitely better than any of those real-life situations. I was just trying to con myself into a remembering romantic situations that, in fact, hardly ever existed. No. If I can't go first class I don't want to go at all. And it's me, if I'm being honest, who knows what first class is."
"No accommodations. Is that it?"
"Oh, I can accommodate a lot. I can handle a missing limb. Or someone who's not brilliant. Or not a great money-maker. Those things are not problems. I might very well fall in love with someone in any of those categories. What I don't want to do is fall in love with someone I don't really know. Someone I've given a personality to, and later I find out they're someone completely different. And I'm fucked, in more ways than one. Life goes on, Glen. Life goes on. I don't want to waste any time giving really heavy emotion to someone who doesn't get it. Doesn't appreciate it. Doesn't even know what I'm feeling. Does that make sense?"

"My Worst Date." by David Leddick.