Guess Who’s Back…

So I’m a back in a good place. I don’t know what changed about things—I mean, nothing amazing or wonderful happened. Just woke up Sunday morning and thought ‘Damn, it feels good to be a Rorster’.

Maybe it was finally figuring out a script for the 24-hour show—getting over my writer’s block and just moving forward. This even though I was basically told that my story was trite and that more was expected of me. But I still finished it and I like how it is funny and ironic and not all strum and drag. After the first show where I poured out my heart on the paper—I just don’t want to get burned again.

Or maybe it was Benji’s party that put me back in a good mood. I didn’t really expect much of the event—dress up, ‘cocktail’ talk and us all being very adult. Of course I spent the whole night on the back patio with the ‘bad’ kids as they smoked and drank and just talked trash. I like the fact that the evening managed to surprise me in some ways—that I could still enjoy myself in spite of everything that should have annoyed me.

I got to see Willis too and remember why I adore him so—that he is a geek but is still cool enough to know the best parties, the newest music and how to find a good time. I like how smart he makes me feel, how valid and how talented. We have fun and he is probably the closest straight male friend I have right now—though that isn’t really part of the reason that we’re friends.

Though it wasn’t all perfect. I cheated again at the party—something I saw coming but was unable to avoid. I did more than cheat (if I’m honest) I had a rather full fledged public affair which really only hurts myself so… I’m trying not to judge too harshly. (Potato, potato). I need to find a better way to cope.

And I definitely did something rather self-destructive that I still haven’t processed. But I also knew I would break down and go there and now it’s done so… Self-fulfilled prophecy. Done and done.

But after all the starts and stops—I come back to these 2 thoughts—that I will be fine and that I am already fine. Which has always been the case but somehow I forget but now it’s back. Again even.