Don’t We All
I’ve cheated on myself three times today. I’m not very proud of this—that I couldn’t stop myself from bad behavior, from ignoring my better instincts, from going after my goals. I want so desperately to change these things, to move forward and on to the next step—whatever it may be.
Instead I have been feeling weak, tired and raw. I had a moment today when the right choice was so easy, so there in front of me and yet I panicked and ran away. I literally climbed into bed and pull the covers over my head. Definitely not my best moment and I wish I could understand why I just can’t follow through on the best, healthiest, least painful options—but I don’t know and I am left back at the start and feeling worse than before.
And in this mix—I have been having writer’s block. This is abnormal for me, I can always find some to write about, describe and over analyze but not right now. It’s like I lost this sense of who I am and the reason it is gone is so obvious but shallow and stupid and if these bad patterns and behaviors are how I create and write and make whatever it is that I do make—well then maybe I should stop.
Ruby said something tonight that I hope is true about me after all is said and done…
“I hope that I am always myself”.
Don’t we all, don’t we all….
2 comments:
Sometimes it's hard to work through our "bad" habits that we let get in the way of progress. It's funny; I've been there myself more times than I've cared. But if you push through stuff, chances are you'll come upon that catalyst that will get things going for you again. Don't spend too much time with the self-flagellating (ohbaby); it doesn't serve any other purpose but to keep you down. You can recognize you're down without wallowing in it. I've seen you make things work for yourself.
So, in the immortal words of Laura San Giacomo in Pretty Woman: "Work it, work it, own it." (I hate that movie.)
cheers,
Missy
I'm always cheating on myself.
But somehow I feel like these mistakes make me who I am.
And I can realize them as mistakes.
The only thing you can do is move forward and onward and try to catch yourself the next time around.
And this girl is talking about how she's eaten her weight in sushi and pound cake this week.
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