Bright and Slutty

I had sex today. It wasn’t the greatest sex or the worst sex—nothing overly special but definitely wanted and needed. He was a friend of Mickey’s, someone who I met briefly and had an odd chemistry with. There was a moment during our conversation when I realized that this was going to be good. And it was.

There was something very intense about the sex—a connection of sorts that I rarely ever have and one that I like. It was very willful and commanding and rough and tender and even surprising. It was also very safe and clean and discrete in case you were wondering. There was something unusually inspiring about the whole act. I liked it.

Afterwards, as we drank water and puttered around in the nude, Lawrence look at me, head tilted and said, ‘you are a bright and slutty boy, my friend.” At first I wasn’t sure what to think about what he said—it could seem a little offensive but as I thought things over I realized he was right. That is a great way to describe me.

There are some people out there who will think it is bad or wrong that I will have such seemingly meaningless sex—that I am being whorish or selfish or desperate. That I am not saving myself for the right person or the right time. That’s okay of course—people are entitled to believe what they will but I have never subscribed to that school of thought.

I am always amazed how caught we all seem to get in making it ‘right’. How we see every date or job or living situation or choice as the ‘one’. We ignore the obvious—the missed phone calls or the mixed messages or the blatant signs of disrespect and just make it into so much work, so much drama. It’s like trying to fit a size 8 foot into size six shoes.

If there is one thing I know for sure is it that it will be wrong more than it will be right. There will be tears and mistakes and broken hearts along the way—it’s an unsentimental process to find that person. I know I will have a lot of bad dates or bad sex but I also believe that each time it is a lesson and that I come to know more about myself with each experience and that it helps me to grow closer to finding what I am looking for.

So many people settle for what they can make work—that they don’t push themselves to try and learn who they are and what they want. They end up breaking up with people who never got them in the first place or do things that they never really wanted to or never try what they think is wrong. I don’t want to be one of those people—even if it does make me slutty.

Because at the end of it all I know that I am getting something from it. I know that I am learning things, experiences things that will help me down the road with the right person. And I do think that makes me bright—regards of how big on myself that it makes me sound.