On Paper We Make Sense

The recent situation with Nick has once again spun my head around. As a smart person, a navel gazing individual, I know it shouldn’t. That no matter how many times he compliments my legs, e-mails me for coffee or has a decent conversation with me that nothing will change. Fool me once and shame on you, fool me twice and shame on me and fool me three times… You get the picture.

And yet I can’t seem to let it go. In some ways, we are the same person; similar backgrounds, both work in the ‘industry’ and even the same group of friends with a shared history. We want the same goals—marriage, children, and a comfortable life style. We laugh at the same things, think a similar way. There’s the lingering attraction between us to this day--a strong chemistry that is almost intoxicating. He feels important.

I rarely have this feeling—that someone will be a huge part of my life, that there is something almost destiny-like about our relationship. I have only had this feeling 3 times in my life and each of those people did have a profound effect on me. It scares me but draws me closely at the same time.

Some would call this feeling stupid, that Nick has hurt and ignored me enough already and others would say romantic. The smart part of me says that he is not this huge figure and that I am projecting. But the emotional part of me feels that this could change if I allow myself to get close to him. I don’t mean in a romantic sense but in an indefinable way.

And I don’t know what to do. But I don’t want to be hurt again. And yet part of me wants to risk myself for the unknown and indefinable.