The Best Laid Plans

I am not a good planner. I think things through too much and get caught up in the details or I go so far beyond what is possible that I cannot possibly achieve it. I hate this about myself. I need to try and change.

The other night i tried to plan a date night for Johnno. He had been sick recently and his work schedule was asking for over nights. So I decided that we needed a night out on the town and worked out a game plan. a game plan that fell completely through.

And instead of just rolling with the change in the plan i grew frustrated and what was supposed to be a fun night out became about me being a cranky pants. I was snappish and short tempered and negative. I wasn't much fun and i definitely was making good memories with the boys.

I tried to figure out what this was about--why I couldn't stop myself. I realized that what i was most worried about is that i am not a good boyfriend. I'm not awful, i can be fun and charming and I try to be generous. But I worry.

I worry that I am not as good as Johnno deserves--that he is so sweet and giving, funny and outgoing that he will one day see that he can have a relationship without the stress and the nerves. that he will see me as high maintenance and high strung so I try desperately to do things that will show how much he matters and how much better i can make his life.

But it doesn't always work.

What i need to do is learn that the plans don't make the relationship work. That what I have to do is be more giving and flexible, be more open and honest than creating things and scenes and memories. I have to learn to trust more in the day to day and work on myself being more able to enjoy it.

That should be the plan.

Afterwards

Christmas is finally over.

Finally.

I am sure that I will do a more in depth posting later but for now I am just glad to feel like I am free of the whole thing. It's not that I don't love the sentiment or the bustle but every year I worry. Not about what I am getting for gifts but what I am giving.

See--I pride myself on knowing the people in my life reasonably well. I like to think that I am a good observer of human nature and can read people up to a point. I am not saying I am pyschic or can see deeper than most people but I like to think I can usually get close to the bone within my friendships.

And I always try to make my holiday gifts an extention of that--something that they would get for themselves, or something they need, or something that they would enjoy discovering for the first time. And I worry that when I mess up--a book someone won't like, or a shirt that doesn't fit or something unequal to what I am given by them--that it is a sign that I might not know the person or that the relationship is not as good as I imagined.

There is historical proof on this subject.

So when the final days count down to the holiday I tend to get jumpy. I worry that I have read those I love wrong or done the thing or sent the wrong message. And I am well aware of how "crazy" this makes me and yet--there it is.

Yet now the day has passed and i can get back to the other stuff. Back to working out and eating right, back to New Year's lists and taking stock of myself from A to Z. I have no problems doing that at all.

I think that is why New Year's Eve is my favorite holiday--I hold myself accountable.

Hipster
Sometimes I think I am not a hipster.... And then I post a picture like this.



And there is a part of me that should hate this---and knows if I saw this on the street I would burst out laghing. I am starting to realize that as I get older--the things I laugh at the most are usually the things I wish I was too.

When I giggle at the hot pink shirt guy at the club or a certain friend's feathered jacket or the girl who always wears inappropriate shoes or the guy who always tries to be super dressed up--what i am really thinking is that I kind of wish that I was that person.

Don't get me wrong--I don't doubt my abilty to be cool and daring but I also spend my time reigning in--a little bit. But then I have days where i run around in headbands and cardigans from Sears 1970 and love it.

I should trust that more

That Party Was Sick--No Really

So this past weekend was Ali and Robin's yearly holiday party--a time for dressing up, trying new cocktails and for guests to crash at the Dollhouse. It was great as always and it really added to things that Mary Francis flew out from Maine for the event because it meant we got to catch up. Though ironically Johnno spent the most time with Mary Francis out of all of us.

But what i didn't expected was that the party would make a slew of people sick in the aftermath... Johnno, Thomas, Kelly, Raquel, Ashley, Beau, and I have all been in various stages of fighting off a cold in the days afterward. Some, like Johnno, failed at it all together while others, like Kelly and Raquel, recouped with 24 hours. I have been on the cusp of the entire thing which is good because starting a new job usually means having to hold back on sick days.

That being said, all i would like is for this illness to go away so that I can get on with things. it's not like I am canceling plans or missing out on work but I would just like to feel good enough to work out. The bonus with this new job is the ability to have much better hours and an awesome commute so i would like to use this benefits better.

But we shall see how it all plays out but the party was totally worth it. Even if Johnno partook in the annual pants off portion of the night--which lead to many people congratulating me on the BF's "package". That was a bit much even for me.

My Mother Is On Facebook and Other Vague Worries

So this morning I received a message on Facebook from my mother--a vague note that I would almost doubt the reality of except she mentioned a handful of things that only she would know. It gave me pause.

I have no problem with people having an open look into my life; I'm not doing anything wrong, nothing too shocking and there is a part of me that thinks if one wants to look they don't get to complain.

But there is also the eternal 16 year old who worries what she might think, that doesn't want her to know everything, that worries that she might have "opinions" about the things I do. How much I hit the bars, the people that I spend my time with, the things I say that are important to me.

I don't want her to blow anything back at me.

That being said--part of having an adult relationship with one's parents is owning who you are in spite of what they might think or want for you. So I have to prepare myself for the reality that she will have an open window into my life--that it is okay as long as I am careful to not complain to much about her.

Which I don't--though if she oversteps then i might have to.

Like I said--vague worries

You Always Think There Is More

So I start a new job tomorrow--which means I should already be in bed by now. But instead I have spent my day trying to get all the things done that I thought i had more free time to do.

When you work free-lance you get used to a certain set time management routine. You spend the first few weeks sleeping in, catching up with old friends that got ignored due to the schedule of work, watching tv and promising to get back on the work out routine.

And then you get a routine of sorts; you workout for an hour or so everyday, you spend your days on-line catching up on the various things you missed, you have a handful of romantic nights to make up for what you missed out on, you clean out your closet. And then it happens.

You suddenly get a job.

And you spend the last few days trying to wrap up things you forgot or the promises you broke. You realize you should have written more, spent more time reading the classics, dropped of your dry cleaning, cleaned out your kitchen's "spice rack". You try and jam in all the forgotten chores to make up for the nerves that come when you face a new job.

You try to not worry if you are good enough for the position, if you will fit with the production, if you will be able to charm people and create new connections. You instead plan out outfits for upcoming parties, spend everyday with plans to hang out, you try and make sure that you cover all your bases.

And then suddenly its time for bed and you realize you haven't blogged in awhile so you stay up late instead of tucking yourself in. It's a noble waste of time but still a waste of time.

It Is What It Is

Things have been weird. This past week has been an influx of life--two friends announced new babies, there was an elopement, there two engagements--it has been a bit much. The sudden feeling of life starting to gear up and get more serious with more changes to come.

See, i always felt that the 20s were about who you were and who you wanted to be... Making the the perfect balance between where you came from and where you wanted to go. It's a struggle and a balance of sorts that has to be dealt with; a necessary self examination of goals and history so that you could figure out the next steps of life.

But the 30s is about what life you are working towards. You begin to make choices; will i get married? will I have a family? Am I making a career? Am i making a home for myself. It becomes about the end game, the actual goals that are being accomplished and what they really mean to you.

I think that is why the novel has become so important. i am looking at where I am going with my life, where my choices really are taking me. part of it is about whether I am making a career that I want. That i might have to consider that I will not be having children or having a home in the traditional sense. And if i am making those choices--am i doing it for reasons i can live with?

It's been very hard and very adult. Events of the last week have really driven the point home to me and now I have to start really questioning and pushing and creating the things, relationships and moments that will take me to the next step.

It's a bit much--but it is what it is.

Turning A Curve Into A Line

I have been spending a lot of time watching football and playing pool. I spend my Sundays on the floor at Dominic's house and my weekends, every other one, at a pool table somewhere in this city.

It feels like I'm turning straight

Now this doesn't mean I get what i am doing--I don't really understand football and pool continues to be an embarrassing public affair--but I am learning to try and appreciate new things. this is unlike me because I normally have to have something perfected before I can take it out of the house but somehow Johnno convinces me that everything will be alright.

It's kind of amazing how he is doing that.

So instead of being worked up and worried about appearing dumb or clumsy I work on trying to find myself doing better, getting smarter. Now I'm not about to quote stats or run the pool table anytime soon but it's nice to know that I have the skill set to at least try.

I think that is what I am learning the most--that and how to be butch. Really butch!

It's A Little Bit Late But Just On Time

So I should have written this entry a week ago--Johnno and I celebrated the six month anniversary of living together. We went out to dinner before spending the night playing pool and trivia at the local tranny bar. It was nice and sweet and something we needed to go out and do for ourselves.

The funny thing is that living together has seemed like the easiest thing in the whole wide world. Sure we have had to adjust to sleep patterns and personal space issues but for the most part I find myself comforted by the fact that we start and end each day together. It is silly and romantic but i like the idea that he is the first and last person I see and vise versa.

In the words of "Kill Bill 2"--he is my favorite person.

And i continue to be amazed by how well he work things out together, the balance that we continue to refine each day through the good and the bad. there are some things that I have to work on but so does Johnno.... It is a process but one I am so grateful to have started. I'm not saying forever but i'm not ignoring that either.

But if these 6 months are how things will be for a long while--then I can be happy

Worries and Words

So I have been reworking my novel and it has been rather complicated and difficult. Both Johnno and Samuel have given me notes, good notes, and it has made me rethink certain aspects of the story. I have been recapping each chapter on notecards and breaking them down scene by scene.

Part of the issue has been knowing that i have to scale back the story, count down on word count, and reshuffle the events in the story. I think that I may even have to restart and rework what I have written so far which scares me.

It scares me because I am worried that I am making excuses not to finish my rough draft. And I am getting to the point where it feels difficult to call myself writer when I can't finish a novel--I wouldn't call some a dress designer if they couldn't finish a dress, a painter who never finishes a canvas or a songwriter who never made a song out loud.

So now this means that I am doubting myself and my ability but more importantly my commitment as a writer. And I am scared if I can't put down a finished rough draft of a story i care about--then what does it mean about me as an artist? As a creative person?

Or am I being too hard on myself? Am I turning my creative process into a self-defeating one? And how do I get past this? Do I wait on the new words to fix the old ones and hope that causes me to become more focused and driven? Or is this the start of me letting go of my dreams?

And who does that make me?

Le Sigh

So I decided to do NaNoWri again this year. I'm cheating because I am actually using the goal of the project to force me to finish my rough draft of my previous NaNoWriMo. What is depressing is that I feel like I have GROSSLY overwritten my book and i'm not even halfway where I have to be. It is 80,000 plus words and I still haven't gotten to the heart of the story and I am lost.

What sucks is that the few people who have read the book thus far like it. They like the characters and the plot which makes things hard because I know at some point i am going to have to cut so much out to get it the standard young adult size. It makes it hard to keep going and yet I know I have to.

I need to have a finished novel under my belt if I want to call myself a writer still. and yet i am at a loss of sorts.

I Guess Sleep Does Matter

In this picture you can tell I just want to coma out.... Not sure if it is the rain or the cold or what but I am sleepy all the time... And it is obvious



Maybe I just need a full coma day? Not sure yet...

Not of Me--But Who I am Today

Here's the latest. I know most people aren't into social causes but this is what I am doing today and who I feel I am. It's not about being gay but about making safe for all kids--the gay ones being bullied and the straight ones being bullied for "acting gay". Everyone knows someone that happened to.

Far East Movement - Like A G6 ft. The Cataracs, Dev

Music Whore

The Video is awful but I am obsessed with this song



So Euro trash

Super Sleepy

Here is just sleep me--pre work and post nap. It's all glamour all the time.

What I Know Now

I have been spending my time working on the novel. Not so much writing but reordering, rereading and reworking--all the things you should not do during a rough draft that is unfinished. But I needed to put myself back in the work, the story, the characters and see what I have done, what I like and what I want to change going forward.

Of course i am not sure where this will leave me with the NaNoWriMo. I am a huge fan of the idea behind the concept--that it should be a new project if one decides to get involved in the project. The key to NaNoWriMo is to try and open up the creative juices--to write something fresh, to let what words and images come as you go through the process and see where the "muse" wants to take you.

So now I have to try and see what I can get done in the next few weeks--to try and finish up the rough draft that I am working on. I hope I can start something new too but am trying to finish what I have started.

That seems to be the core of what I am learning during this--to tell the full story and know that other stories can come when the time is right. And that by not finishing things I am letting myself not believe that the finished product is worth anything--that is not try at all.

A Rough One
I almost didn't post today... I have spent my last 24 hours out and about--Dominic had his annual Horror Movie Fest and it turned into a slumber party for Sunday football. I slept on the floor, ate nothing but nuts and cheese and bacon, with no shower or change of clothes.

It's not a pretty picture



But what I realized was that I needed to post this picture so that i can see what i look like after a good night out. it's easy to get caught up in all the things I should be doing or feeling or having or making.... But sometimes it is nice to just enjoy what I have--a scoial life, good friends, and a bust schedule

The Project Continues



This is a quick one... Just me doing hair before I run out the door for a Saturday night! not the best, not the worst, just me....

More Than One Project

Today's picture is simple. Just a sweat, gross, messy me post working out aka the other big project going on in my life.. And it's not even a picture from real workout but a quick 30 minutes I managed to stick in the middle of the day--even though it looks like I sweated out after an hour long jog



But I do really like this picture. Not sure why

It feels butch

Another Day--Another Picture

This may not be the best picture but I like the emotions (?) behind it. Just me on the floor after I finished working out. I just feel more relaxed than normal I guess...



Not quality photos but a nice picture nonetheless

Day Two of the Image Project

(I should call this something better)

Today's picture is first thing in the morning, brushing my teeth and posting the photograph before I overthink things. It is what it is

NaNoWriMo And Other Unfinished Things

I am debating whether or not to do NaNoWriMo again this year--which isn't so much about if I can do it, or if I have the time to do, or if I want to do it... I do, can and have done all of these things. But where I am torn is that I have not finished my last NaNoWriMo story--and while I could cheat and pick up where I left off--it doesn't seem like it fulfills the point of the exercise.

To write the full story in 31 days.

So now I am trying to see if I think I can get back on track with my old novel--finish out the rough rough rough first draft by the end of the month.... And then START a new novel right away. It is crazy and silly and possibly not good for my health but it does feel doable.

Maybe this is the new challenge I need?!

A Project

In order to try and get over my current hang ups--I am going to try and take a new picture everyday of me... Not glamorous photos but of me doing stuff around my house, in my neighborhood, just out and about.

I want to be more comfortable and see myself clearer. Not to look a certain way or develop my "pose"--but to face reality.

Headbands

I have been thinking a lot about perception... How we see ourselves, how we want to be seen, how other might see us... It started with a conversation about bathing suits--bikinis--and this friend was debating whether or not she could pull one off... I made her try it on and I could see that she didn't believe me when I told her that it looked good. That I would kill for stretch mark free skin, the type of ways that her body seemed perfect in the suit. She looked good.

But that is not what she saw--no matter how much I tried to make her see it.

One of things that moves me as a writer--why I focus on young adult fiction, why I like working in reality television, why love fashion the way I do... It is all about the idea of perception and who are and want to be. The biggest struggle in life--why bullies hurt, why judgement matters, how words and deeds can break people so easy is because they all tie into how we see things--see ourselves. And this is something that does and should change over time--from who we are at 16 to 26 to 35 to 41 to 57...

And yet I wonder how that works. How some people see themselves in such strong or weak light. I know that most of us want to be different things--the smartest or the sexiest, the creative or the witty. I know that there are days when I wish I was the guy who could just wear simple jeans and a t-shirt with a solid swagger--to have that confidence in the simplicity, the fuckabilty, the ease of just being.

And other times I want to be the muse--the guy who wears the most interesting outfit with the best stories who does the most brave and unique things. I want to wear headbands and roller skate on week nights while finding new bars and learning how to ride horses and motorcycles. The writer who makes the reader want more, to be more, to see more.

But at the end of the day i never see myself that way. It's not that I see a bad person but rather a bland one. I get too worried to push myself, to worked up to try new things, to scared to finish what I start. I worry that if I do what I want that people won't see the way I would like. They would laugh or be bored or wonder just who I thought I was.

I am--in someways--no different than my friend in the bikini. Seeing things that aren't there, being capable of so much more and so much better than I could ever possible imagine. I wonder how one changes that. How one can learn to embrace something more and let go of the unneeded. The truth in life is that no one will care if I wear a headband or hockey jersey, if she wears a bikini, if she wears whatever she want or I do whatever I feel.

But the perception of that seems off-kilter.

Getting Better

So there is all this big hoopla about gay suicides and celeberty youtube videos--not to make light of the situation but I just don't get it. I remember what it was like to be 13 and worry about what would happen in school each day, how it felt to be picked on and teased and a bunch of rich, thin, successful people telling me it was fine?

Would have earned a big middle finger from teenage me.

If we really want to stop bullying--whether gay, straight, nerd, jock, fat, thin, ugly or pretty--then we need to share the stories of what bullies are doing. I think most teachers, parents, and all adults would benefit from knowing what kind of beahvior really is going on in schools. Because telling kids one day you'll be out of high school isn't solving a problem. Not in the slightest.

I think if people understood what teenagers are truly capable of--the physical violence on a daily basis, the verbal threats and taunting, the fear that such a social environment can create. Most people would be surprised by how far it does go and how uninvolved teachers are in protecting students.

I know that I never once ate lunch in the high school cafeteria for all four years I was in school. I was too scared of all the harrashment I faced that day to be able to do that--I spent days in the library, other days outside by the back docks, other days I would hide in the bathroom for the full 40 minutes. I was always on guard against people---even the ones who were nice I always expected to say shite, to start shite about me because that did happen ALL the time. And while I was only physically threated a handful of times--one of the times I actually punched someone back--it was worse to constantly be picked on, tease, name called, and scared...

I learned to survive by becoming a snob... I turned all my energy into studying and writing, reading and researching... I figured out that my best chance was to get into all the colleges I wanted and I would leave that town and never look back.

And I did that.

Now I have an amazing life--one filled with all the things I never thought I would have growing up. And yet I still wish that I could have gone through a normal high school experience. I wish that I had made more than one friend through those years, I wish I had done more and been more, I wondr what it would have been like to not be constantly the target? What would school be like with out the bullying?

I wish that people understood how hard it is to go through that. How extremely terrible and diffcult it is to even trust and relax in that situation. Hearing how awesome it can be is not an answer--the answer is to talk about how to stop what is happening now. Today.

One is Never Enough

I am spending this week trying to detox... I have been feeling like all I do is make sloppy decisions--too many nights drinking, too many reasons to not quit smoking, too many excuses fro why to not work out... I want to try and get myself back to somewhere that I can be happier with.

It's not that I am doing this for anyone else besides myself but it is nice to have other people want the same things for me. But it is hard to talk about these type of changes because it feels like if you fail or fall back that suddenly everyone knows what you aren't capable of.

I don't like that.

So instead I have to remind myself that one is not enough but two is too many. To stay on the course and remember what I am doing and why...

Can I Haz?

I am obsessed with boots... I'm not sure why--LA is not boot weather and only will be boot weather for like five minutes out of the year... And yet all I have done is look for, pant after and stalk boots for the last three months. It's to the point that I am wonder if my mind is trying to tell me to move somewhere cold, somewhere with wind and snow, somewhere with scarves and gloves for more than three weeks.

I know that is not going to happen in LA---and I love LA more than fashion and footwear. But I still want to be able to buy these things and not feel crazy to do so in a city thick with Indian summer. These make me greedy-



So can I haz???

Sad Sad Sad



Details are still coming in, but it seems that after complications stemming from his accidental overdose on prescription pills on Saturday, our good friend Greg Girald​o, at the age of 44, has passed away. He was, without a doubt, one of the funniest people on the planet and will be missed by all who had the chance to know him.


He was so funny.... So witty.... This is so sad

Time To Get Back To It

I am sore today.... Working out is hard in the heat, hard after not doing it for months, hard because it is working out. But I have to do it... Just like I have to get back to all of my writing.... back to all of my friends.... Back to working on my social contacts while I try and find a job...

Funemployment is fun up to a point but it can't be about pool and daytime tv... It can't be all naps and coffee breaks but has to be something more. It's fun to be able to go to the movies whenever or hike with the others that are "free" but I have to remember to use this time for something more too...

It is time to get it together

5 is Not A Number

Now that I am back to my "normal" life I was finally able to do something I had been dreading. For the past year and change I have been changing my eating habits, working out a regular basis and trying to put the effort in to be good to my body. However once BB sprung the promotion on me, things kind of fell apart.

Not that I went off the diet but my workout schedule collapsed on itself. I wasn't able to make the time for the gym or the DVr workouts from home. I fell back into drinking soda for a bit, I struggled with food choice from the food services and eventually I just broke down and cheated a bit more than I should of.

So I knew when I went to weigh myself on the Wii Fit that I would be looking at a different number. It had been 40 days since I weighed myself, 40 days of knowing there was something probably unpleasant waiting for me. But I decided to bite the bullet and get some answers.

5 pounds.

That's what I gained in the last forty days. Now there is one part of me that is bothered by that number. That now I know why certain things fit a bit different. That's where my abs went to hide. That's what you get with soda and chips and accidental bread intake.

But conversely, this was not the worst thing that could have happened. I know that with a little bit of effort, a return to standards and a mindful routine that I can knock this back into place. The body does respond to diet and exercse--it takes time and effort and planning to make real change. That I should be grateful that the number is not higher or more crushing.

After all, given all I have done thus far, 5 is not a number to worry about. It is just a bump in the road. I slight sidestep towards the things that I want. I can't let me think that it means everything else isn't possible. That would be self defeating.

I'm more about defeating other things

Prisoner of Myself

Being sick is awful. It's not one of those stay in bed sickness but more of I'm just uncomfortable enough to know that I shouldn't be around people. I'm a little sore and achy with a bad throat and it is enough to drive me nuts.

Because I was hoping to get back to people. I have missed my friends, making time with people, and being out in the world in a meaningful way. And what hasn't helped is that i have reached out to people to make plans but I am getting little feedback.

Instead the people who are furthest away physically have been the most receptive my overtures. And it makes me paranoid when I feel like people are avoiding or ignoring me. And there is a part of me that knows that i am being unfair but I want things back to the way they were.

Maybe it is the sickness but I want everything and everyone now. I want nights at houses and bars, shopping trips and day adventures. I want to feel like people missed me and want to be around. And i don't feel that way right now.

The Art of Handwriting

I spent the better part of an hour tonight writing out my thank you notes for this season of BB 12. I always feel weird when I do work related missives because I always wonder if they are seen as being "too much". The reason I do my little cards with the notes inside--and a business card with my email--is because I want to keep track of people I want to work with again. I freely admit that it takes a lot for me to respect a co-worker but once you have my respect I will go the distance.

And I am selective about who I include on these lists of people because I don't want to be seen as someone who just does it for everyone. I want people to feel special and noticed when I take the time, effort, and money to reach out but that doesn't work if you are handing it out all over town. I also try to be discrete about how and when I had out the cards--I would never do it in front of another co-worker who wasn't receiving a note from me, i wouldn't do it in a crowd place or event and I don't need you to read the card in front of me either--I do it to put myself out there and not to be patted on the back.

Although I do sometimes worry if it comes off as a bit "ass kissing". I do my notes partially to thank people but also partially to put out there how much i liked working with them and would want to do so again. Part of the dance of freelance work is how one goes about building relationships--I'm not a big partier or a happy hour guy so I try to make more of an effort with people beyond that.

There is also the part of me that thinks the time and effort that goes into a card--written out by hand or typed out for the internets--says something about the thought you are putting into the message. It says that I am thinking of you and want you to see how much am do that. It is my attempt to try and continue a connection after the current show has passed.

But other times I wonder it is just seen as strange and pushy.

Manners Matter

So I talking the other day at work about manners--the little social graces that make life more interesting, pleasant and worthwhile--and I realized that for all of my talk about the subject i don't really hold situations as accountable as I should. Part of it is my WASP background and my tendency to avoid social drama but part of it is that i honestly don't understand some of the faux pas I see around me. i don't know it is time for a refresher course or if some people just never learned how to treat people properly.

That said--here are things that annoy me.

The hiding of social events.

I get it. Not every person can be included in every event; it's just the nature of life and popularity. Of course everyone wants to be included and most people would love to be able to have all their friends share in life moments. But it is not possible. It's just not and with that said--

It is really insulting when people try to "hide" events from others. Like 6 people are going to dinner for some "special" reason and somehow this event is never mentioned in front of the uninvited. I'm not talking about last minute weekend plans or spur of the moment Tuesday nights--I'm talking about planned in advance events where there is considerable effort being made.

And I'm not talking about a casual member of the social group being excluded--I'm talking about someone who would be considered to be an intimate in the group being left out. This is awkward because people talk about the plans--usually to try and make additional plans--and when 6 people somehow all manage to not mention a dinner, night out or event it just seems manipulative. "We couldn't include you and didn't want to hurt your feelings so we never mentioned" is not a defense. Lying to someone's face is ten times more painful then being told why it could happen. Most people are mature enough to understand limits on group sizes or event restrictions. Lying is just disrespectful.

Constantly discussing events in front of the excluded.

Now this might seem to run against what i just spoke about but they really are two different things. Let's say you managed to get an amazing table at a new bistro for four friends and everyone in the social group understand how hard that was to do. Let's say people understand exactly why they didn't make the guest list and everyone is fine with that. Okay then.

What would not be okay is constantly talking about the event in front of the uninvited--especially if it is something that the uninvited would attend. it's great that you're going to have this amazing dinner with the lucky chosen few but should the uninvited have to hear constantly about what you are going to wear? What you are thinking of having? How amazing the night will be? It's just rude and unnecessary. If it is something that requires tons of planning--have an email chain, a night out for coffee or conference call to work it out.

But what is even ruder is if you are not clear on who is going to be invited. There is nothing worse then hearing all the time about an event from your friends to one day realize that you are not being included. It is even worse if it is known that you are not apart of the social plan and people still ask advice, give details, or want opinions from you. Think about how you would want to be treated.

Being Invited But Not For The Company

Now this is a new problem I have run into--being invited to events for the sole purpose of giving something to the host. It's one thing to be invited to a huge wedding where everyone and their brother is going too but another to be invited to the engagement party and given the gift registry for the event when you are not included in the wedding. (This has not happened to me recently but did years ago with a friend of friend.) There is something tacky about including people for the gifts or to spilt the cost or share the load of the planning.

It is one thing to throw your best friend's birthday party in your home--it's another to be asked to "chip in" for a birthday party for someone you barely now. And when the events get bigger--house warmers, baby showers, weddings--it seems that people lose perspective when it comes to the even. If it is not someone who you could spend a day with one on one and have an interesting time then maybe you shouldn't be including them.

I just don't understand the idea behind these type of guest lists. I especially don't understand the idea behind the "you're invited to one part of the event but not the whole event". I understand birthday dinners at small dinners before all of your friends meet up at a bar and I totally get inviting people to the after party if the event is too small to include everyone. But if that is the case, tell people that. Don't have a dinner for 20 people and not include two but they can come out and buy you birthday drinks later... It's tacky and rude and says that you don't want them for the company. You want them for what physical gifts they can bring.

Now I am sure there are people who will find this post offensive or assume it is about them. This is not a rant about anything specific or some current event I am "covering up". It is just something that I have noticed happening around me and to people I care about. I cannot guess that everyone is on the same page or was brought the same way so by putting it out there--maybe that changes things.

Or maybe this post is rude?

Happy 90210 Day?


I have a confession. Even though i was more than willing to join in on the campiness of the date--to celebrate a well known teen soap from my youth--I HATED 90210. I mean, I would watch anything with a continuing story line but this show was like an emotional laxative to me--it made me shit out everything from my head.

I mean--I laugh when Tori Spelling was pushed down the stairs by her abusive boyfriend. I rooted for Brenda every time she even thought about cat fighting with Kelly. My favorite thing about the whole show was when Brenda had the fantasy about drowning Kelly Taylor in the pool after she came back from Paris to Dylan had cheated on her.

I was like--GO GIRL GO!

Now this sounds like I watched a lot of the show--I did not. i knew when the God awful was going to happen and turned in accordingly but for the most part avoided this drivel. The show was so heavy handed in it's messages, so up-right in it's morality, and the characters so dumb, unappealing and age inappropriate that I just wanted to die. To this day I would rather watch an episode of "7th Heaven" over the entire run of 90210.

So there. i've admitted my hatred and disdain. The only good thing that 90210 ever gave the world was Tori Spelling and that was only so she could go on to give her tour de force performance in the the television film "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger"

But outside of that? Nothing but bad bangs, bad side burns and a belief at 30 year olds can play 16 year olds. We still haven't gotten over that development yet!

How Do You Handle Crazy


I don't ever talk politics here. I barely talk politics in my everyday life--between the Sonnys and Nolans and the Edies and the Lolas--it is just a door I don't tend to open. I guess I tend to live by the idea that we each have a right to our own beliefs and things only get murky when people try and tell others what is "okay" or "moral" to do.

This is not about gay marriage.

I was on-line today at work and i stumbled across an article about how Glen Beck and Sarah Palin are just "somehow" having an press event on 9/11. This information came just days after the Glen Beck event on the Washington Mall on the anniversary of the MLK speech "I have a dream". Both times the people involved claimed it was just random timing and not meant to be a statement for or against either historical event.

I call bullshite.

This is one of those things that can set me off into a blinding rage. I understand that Sarah Palin and I disagree STRONGLY on key issues, I doubt that Glen Beck will ever come within 50 feet of agreement about anything and this does not bother me one bit. I can use my voice at the polls, I can chose to not watch their shows, and I can decide to stay away from the things that they represent.

What makes me angry is that idea that they would use the deaths of so many innocent people as a prop on which to attempt to build their agenda on. People who they did not know, some people who would NEVER want to be associated with the racist, homophobic, Christian Right Wing propaganda that these two spew. It is one thing to give people the option to listen or not, to watch or not, to care or not but to use the memories and tears of the dead to push any agenda is disgusting!

I am not one of those people who is going to claim a deeper connection than anyone else to 9/11. I think we all knew someone who was more personally effected, we all felt something together on that day and our lives were all changed in different way. I am not going to pretend that this is about me.

It's not.

But what it is about is respect. Respect to those who died in the WTC, on the three planes, in the city of NYC that day. It is not about using those faces, those lives, those memories to try and push another round of us versus them. It is not to build a presidential campaign off of. It is not to try and split this nation further apart.

At least with the MLK association we could easily call out the rally what it was. An attempt to use one of the most important days in the Civil Rights movement as a tool for racists to protest our Black president. Was it in poor taste? Yes. Was it obvious what they were doing? Yes. Did it in anyway defame MLK?

Not at all

If anything the idea of such hatred happening on that day just highlighted the true end game of the rally. To continue to whip up anti-Obama feelings by playing a version of the race card but this plan tricked very few people. Yes it was self centered and well planned but it didn't come right in your face the same way that this 9/11 rally will. It is shameful in every since of the word. Very few this disgust me

Glen Beck and Sarah Palin have succeeded.

There's No Place Like Home

It has been over a month and a half since I last wrote here... It wasn't on purpose and I completely missed it but I had to step away from the words because I had so many other words I was responsible for. The promotion at BB both was a blessing and a curse--I was able to finally adjust and prove my abilities to the higher ups but it took a lot more than I imagined it would. For the first time--ever really--I second guessed what I was doing with my career. Did I really want this? Is it really worth? Can it make me happy? Can I even do it?

After a long summer I know the answers to all of these questions is yes.

Yes to the long hours. Yes to the moments where it takes all I have to make it happen. And yes to knowing now that I have so much more I can give and do. There is something to be said for surpassing all your resources to find out that there is so much more in you than ever thought. It may have been hard but I love it.

There I said it.

But of course my life wasn't totally consumed by the show. Yes there were 18, 20, 23 hour days--there were days when I could see straight or find the energy to be the person that everyone else in my life needed me to be. But I knew this as it was happening and I did try my best to address it.

When I was not working or sleeping I was at parties for all my friends. I had dinners with Chloe and Naomi, I spent time buying things to go with the "new" couch Lola got the Dollhouse, I saw more movies than I have in a long time and I think I was able to try and stay connected with people.

I bought a lot of t-shirts and boots and grandfather sweaters.... I continued to lose weight throughout the summer.... I read more books suggested to me by friends then the same 6 authors... I laughed a lot more when I could... I came to master living with a boyfriend and continue to work on being a better person all around.

Which brings me back to the blog. Something that I need to give me clarity and an outlet for all the silly. I promise now that things are getting slower to try and recommit to my words and those who choose to read them. Maybe things will be better because of how much I have had to write this summer

Or not. We shall see.

Work work work work work

It seems like all I do. Now I assume this is all my fault-I constantly ask for things, for people, for experiences without really thinking through the reality of what I am doing. I always thought I wanted the next step in BB, I like the idea of being ambitious and have ALWAYS thought of myself as more than capable. But where the problem lies is that I got the job by default--with no training time for a position that needs itt--and constantly feel like I am either failing or drowning.

Of course there are people telling me to stop being a fatalist--Johnno, Edie, Kirby, Renny--but I don't think they understand what it feels like to spend everyday wondering when (not if) you will be fired. And what is even more odd is that being fired wouldn't even bother me. I would be upset at losing a job but I would not be upset at losing that job--if that makes any sense.

But I have to believe that today will be better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today. It is the only thing keeping me going

Promotion

So I finally got the BB promotion I have wanted all these years--not the way I wanted it but still it is amazing to be able to finally step up and show what I can do! That said-with no training and being thrown into the mix I am a bit out of whack and feel guilty for avoiding the blog here

Wish me luck as I try and slay paper dragons!!!

The First Month

So it's been a close to a month since Johnno moved in with me to the Dollhouse. The girls, Edie and Lola, have been been amazing and gracious about the whole thing even when it became a bit complicated and possibly messy-due to boxes and refridgators and move in dates. But there seems to be a natural synch that has happened where we have yet to be all up in each otehr's way which seems impossible with four people, three bedrooms and two bathrooms. We make do.

Incredible enough.

Now I'm not sure if it is supposed to feel different when you live with someone. i have always dreaded the idea of a shared closet, lack of personal time and the general maintence that some relationships have needed. I worried we wouldn't be as romantic or remember to close the bathroom door when we pee. I thought we would run out of things to say or would have too many things unsaid because of all the people involved in the living situation.

Instead it feels like nothing has really changed. We spent the same way with our feet intertwined, we still squeeze our ring fingers to say we love each other before we head off to sleep, we still find time to just run around the place independent of each other. It feels as if we are doing the same things we have been doing all along except now we know at the end of the day that we can hug it out in bed before drifting off to sleep.

But don't get me wrong-sometimes I feel like I miss out on alone time with the roomies, sometimes I wish the boy didn't always offer to pick me up from places, but those are small and fixable things at the end of the day. What makes me so happy though is all my fears about cohabitation have been mostly disproved. We work out and cook dinner but we can still head out and hit the town. We sometimes get our clothes and schedules confused. But we talk things out-we never really fight because we always really share. There hasn't been a going to be angry or a going out to hide away from each other.

And while I know this is just the first month-I always thought the first one would be the hardest. It turns out that i was wrong--which i am more than happy to be.

Pride with Some Prejudice

Let's start with a confession. I have never been to Pride.

I know.

How did this happen? I ahve been out since I was 16. i was the first gay friend for a bunch of college classmates, everyone I work with knows the score, my parenst and I have dealt with the iusses and moved on beyond. But still somehow i never managed to make Pride in any way shape of form.

Mostly it was the timing.

During my high school years i didn't really have anyone I could have gone to Pride with. And way back then it wasn't really geared towards young kids and even though my mother would have taken me if I asked--it seemed like that would be a Bad Idea. mostly because-to me then-Pride seemed like a big dance party that would be geared towards flirting and meeting boys which are things one should not normally do with a parent. Even a hip mom such as my own.

Then during college Pride fell during the height of summer-the time when most of my college friends had headed back to JErsey or the Midwest or foregin countries far and wide. I felt like it would be weird and lame to go to Pride alone and friendless-non matter how cute I may have been it still would have been akin to a ttoo exclaiming loser.

so when I moved to LA post school I alwys kind of figured I wiuld get around to it. But at times money got in the way, sometimes it was about the lack of interest in anyone around me, other times I just couldn't even figure out the ways to get there. Not having a car was a great excuse to hold off. And then once the subway was built I was always at jobs that made it hard to try and go-working at the summer program, being a manager at Pier 1, my various gigs with Big Brother that always fell during the event... I just never made it.

I also never really tried.

But being with Johnno has always been a bit more expanding my horizons. He is very gay Pride, he hosts on a podcast about the gay nightlife back in Seattle, he has lived in the gay ghetto and had a lot more gay friends than straighst at various points in his life. I knew he would want to go this year and so i braced myself.

See for all of my strum and drag about doing gay things--they usually make me uncomfortable. Something about the crowds, the over the topness of the situation, the feeling of there is something to prove. Add to my own fears and worries about plans in general, crowd in particular and just my own insecurties about not feeling like I had teh friends and the need to be there....

I just would rather hide my head then do anything

But Johnno and I decided that we would give it a serious shot this year. We made plans with friends to meet up at the events which all fell through and led to me feeling like I didn't wnat to go but Johnno insisted we give it a shot. So we made our way down Saturday night for the clubs in Weho, the dance parties and the general crowds of boys and girls and men and womyn who were taking the city by storm.

What amazed me is that once I relaxed (with a few cocktails) I found myself seeing that was really just a big reason to go out and see that we're here. (And yes-queer). There were all types of people and things going on from tough dykes holding hands on the corner to silly skinny bitches being bitter and sarcastic. We danced in a lesbina bar, met a bartender who somehow remembered our drinks when we went back the next morning for the parade. I managed crowds and the heat and the confusion of what we were doing like a champ.

I discovered that Pride is really about a sense of community. Not that we all hold hands and get along-there were the various groups you imagine roaming the streets to busy to talk or notice each other-but it was about the fact that all thee different people thought it was important to be out whether for drinking or danicng or showing off or standing up for something. I admit it was a bit much but it was something I needed to see.

And at the end of the day I am grateful that johnno pushed the issue. We wouldn't have hand held Cher face fans or dance for two hours at lesbina drunk in the middle of the afternoon or watch people learn the Lady Gaga dance or seen a million randon things like out teens or leather queens on bikes or even just the senior citizen bus with the one sign that said 'I'm straight? who cares?' as the lady rode along with all her old gay boy friends.

It was amazing and something to hold to more than my preconcieved thoughts about Pride.

Like An Enrique Song

The gameplan for the night portion of Kelly's birthday pub crawl was to start off slow-the girls and I (as well as Johnny the husband) were going to have a quick dinner at the hotel before heading down to LA Live for drinks at Trader Vic's. The theme of the pub crawl was bars of different locals-Tropical with Trader Vic's, Middle Eastern with Hotel Figeroa and finally Irish with the beloved Casey's Pub.

What this meant was we had more to to eat at most of the locations as well as not dealing with lines or waiting for clubs or trendier place-a nice change from the year before. But this also gave us more free to drink pre pub rawl and when Pretty and I returned from out Little Tokyo trip we found that most of teh group had kept drinking after we had escaped for some culture.

Dinner was funny because everyone seemed to realzie it would be a bad idea to have cocktails with our meal--I imagine we drove the waiter insane with the amount of wtaer we drank through the hour or so and everyone seemed focused on filling up for the long night ahead. Of course, since most people were buzzed it was a fun time but it meant that we also had to haul butt for me and Pretty to be changed to hit the bars. We came back late from our trip and had no prep time for the day

So we sent Kelly and Johnny ahead to the bar-both tipsy and egaer to meet up with the guests waiting while the girls and I quickly changed and adjusted for the night time looks to come. I was a bit thrown by how drunk everyone was but managed to work in a drink for myself before we headed out of the hotel room and on our way down to the first stop.

Most of the evening was a bit of a blur-between the handfuls of people coming and going from the first stop--everyone seemed to be there with drinks in hand from Shannon and Lola down to Nolan and Dominic. People were mingling and snacking on bar food as Kelly asked for me to help direct people where to go as she was constantly being handled drinks and needed to hand off responsibilty. I was cool with it and had both Robin and Johnny trying to help but Johnny was a bit more than tipsy and Robin was a bit more overwhelmed by the crowds. So I took charge and began wrangling people to the next bar as they joined us before heading over myself-leaving people behind to close out bills and finish off food orders.

Now the rest of the night is not going to be described in depth but can best be described in lessons learned.

One, some hotels do not care when your friend throws up in the lobby because they are so drunk and cannot contain themsleves--mostly because said hotel had most all bathrooms blocked off for an African themed wedding party.

Two, when volunteering to take said drunk friend back to the hotel where one is staying you should make sure to take the room key from said person before turning your back on them at any given point.

Three, do not waste time arguing with a cab driver after helping clean out vomit because you will not win at all-instaed claim all items from the vechile, apologize profusely and take your friend upstairs-if not you will ned up eventually punching the cab driver, losing your drunken friend and debating how to discretely call your boyfriend to get him to come help you search the city for the drunken person.

Four, always check the hotel room even if you assume that there is no way that anyone in that condition can remember the room number, muchless mke their way to said room--they will be waiting.

And finally--do not ride in the elevator trying drunk person's cell phone when you already have said phone in your back pocket. It just makes you look drunk to the Eurasian Punk party you will share the elevator with.

But do realize that if you succeed at getting thing back under control that you will become the hero of the night. When, after you put said drunken person to bed and wait a half an hour sipping bubbly and reading Glamour to make sure they won't choked to death in their sleep, you reemerge in your new outfit at the last bar on the pub crawl everyone will by you drinks and sing your praises. Unless you twitter the whole time at which people you will be forced to own up to losing said drunken induvidual for 25 minutes which does take a bit of the shine off the halo.

But oustide of that-it was a great night with lots of crazy moments. Sometimes the best memories come from the least best moments and I am glad that I was able to do the right thing and still be rewarded for all my efforts

That and it felt bad ass to actually use my fist. Even if I had to ice my hand afterwards

Sometimes All You Need

So as Rachel Zoe wrapped up and Big Brother loomed ahead of me I was feeling the pressure to make as much time with people as possible. Pretty, my college friend from the Middle East, was in town for a few weeks and Kelly's birthday was rolling up the pike. She had decided to have the girls (Ali, Valeska, Edie and myself) join her for a night downtown for dinner and then we would spend the night at the Standard before her pub crawl the next day.

Pretty was added to the guest list and I was excited. i had been feeling a bit out of the social loop between long work hours, the boyfriend moving in and various odds and ends going on pre BB. So the idea of some dinner and cocktails pre slumber party seemed like agreat idea. Even though it weirded me out to spend my first night away from the boyfriend since the move in.

I managed to make my way downtown post work alone and met up with the girls at a new spot that both Kelly and Edie had found on-line. First and Hope is a new resteraunt around the way from the Disney Concert Hall-smack in the middle of a strip mall but well beyond the scope of it's home. The food was very Southern themed with collar greens and fried chicken but I managed to find a pork salad i could eat and between the extreme decor--all teals and crystal--and the amazing service--everything brough at once by six waiters in unison--we had a great time.

Of course then Edie discovered that there was a backroom where they had live jazz so we settled in with some new cocktails and great conversation. The best part was how much in synch we all were even though it had been ages since we had all been together--this is not even including the bonus of having Pretty in town. And even though we had a bit of a time getting back to the hotel-LA cabs suck--we managed to make it back in one piece

We then spent the rest of the evening lounging on the various beds with mixed drinks and trashy magazines as we all took turns catching up on our lives. We stayed up later than we meant to but with good talk and many laughs we finally crashed out in the late morning the next day.

After a morning cocktail for some of us--we took to the streets for coffee and gameplanning. We decided that we would all try to end up at the rooftop pool for their Saturday party action--then Kelly Pretty and I would head out to do some light shopping while the othrs tanned or napped. The pool was hot and heavy with sun and scay chairs but between dips in the pool and martini glasses we all managed to relax and keep up the flow of gossip and laughter well past noon.

Then Kelly Pretty and I headed out to go to the mall--Kelly wanted to look at new sheos for her birthday (of course) while Pretty just wanted to poked around the city and I figured I could always look at new clothes. A couple of shoe purchases later and some great sweater debate for Pretty we parted ways--Kelly to head back to the room to meet up with the husband while Pretty and I decided to head to Little Tokyo to see what we could find.

Now LA's Little Tokyo is nothing like Chinatown in San Fran or even the North End in Boston--it was very spare but every so often you could a neat store with various statues, t-shirts, swords or Buddhas but it was mostly sushi resteraunts and Christian Churchs in Japanese. However I had stolen a map from the hotel earlier so Pretty and I managed to search through out the 5 block radius for the various temples listed-we're both into Buddhism and catch up on what we have been living through as of late.

Somehow I ended up with a super cool Japanese t-shirt featuring Paris and geisha but it also ended up being a women's verison and not the mens so I felt kind of weird but Pretty swore I could pull it off so that became the top for the store part of the trip. Unfortunately both shires were closed but it was about tim,e for us to head back to the hotel to regroup.

As we made it back to the hotel i was glad that everything had played out so well. I felt like I had really reconnected with all of the girls between the sun and the shopping and the sipping and was eager to get the party portion of the night rolling. And even though I had no idea how it would play out I did know it would be amazing--hanging out and rememebering who your friends are can totally change your view of the world.

Wanting More

Here is me



As you can see--I have spent a lot of time working on my stomach. I find myself at points getting caught up in the idea of my abs. To work on them more and more each day and if I skip a few days of working on them I get kind of let down with myself.

One of the things I constantly worry about is how far I can take my self image issues. I have spent the better part of the last year really working on my eating habits and changing a lot of elements to my diet. I barely eat sugar, most carbs are off the table and I even gave up caffiene

That was the hardest

The thing is I don't really miss most of those things anymore. Losing close to 50 pounds can do that to--makes you not want the cake or the soda or that full piece of pizza. I'm proud of the hard work and yet when i slip and fall i find myself very upset about what seems my abilty to sabatoge all my good work. I don't know why I do this but suspect it is a safety move-a way of stopping myself from getting to hung up on trying to be thinner and better and a way to say to myself you'll be fin either way

But then why do i feel so guilty?

I guess because for the first time in my life I feel like I can walk around shirtless and not feel awkward. Even at my thinnest in college and early LA I still felt like my body wasn't enough, that I didn't have it the right way and now I am learning that there is no right way. that if I want to feel good about it then I have to put in the work and cut out the extra. It is nice when I can wear a swimsuit that makes everyone talk about how much i have changed. it's nice to see the reaction of people who haven't seen me for a while

But what i have to do is balance my need for validation with a need for healthy awareness. To know that what i want is okay if i keep at it the heathly way. that it is okay to be proud of what I have done and can be.

That it's not looking at the picture that is the problem




It's letting the picture become all I see.

Book Whore

So I recently just finished up two books by a new author I discovered named Frank Anthony Polito. I wanted until I finished both books before even considering a review mostly because-while these books are not a series--they are tied very much into each other and i wanted to see the full picture of the plotline that he was trying to spin.

The story bridges over two books "Band Fags" and "Drama Queers" and focuses on teh friendship between Jack and Brad-two high sophmores in the year of 1982. Neither character is perfect and I spent huge mounts of time wishing they were better people but what Polito does so well is capture the nature of friendships in high school, the way teachers and classmates, friends and romantic partners drift in and out of our lives during that window of time.

One of my favorite things about the books is that they both cover the same period of time but in very different ways. He uses the gaps in exeperiences-moments where Jack is missing his novel are cover in Brad's story and vise versa presenting not only the 'missing time' but also the two very different views of the same exeperience. How each character sees and feels about things is as important to the plot and at points things that seem odd or misunderstood come to a clarity that enjoyed.

But the best thing about the novels is how Polito really gets into the head and time period of the story. The time frame of the 80's is used not for a gimmick but these kids really care about things that Polito goes into great depth about whether it is an obsessing over Hope from 'Days of Our Lives (the plot point where one of the boys meets the actress is so dead on in teen earnestness and agnst--we've all been there about something) and carries through to the muisc, the fashion and the events that shaped the time period. There is an honest love of things that only teenagers can have and it is brough out in all glory and shame.

In the end, the two books give no easy answers for either character. Things are left unanswered and choices continue to come at them in a way that is very true to life. It's about what friendship means, what beinga teenager is about in terms of wants, desires, hopes and fears. It will be interesting to see where Polito goes as a writer since so much of the books seems so true to his life and exepereinces but I am eager to se where he can take us

You Always Take Something

So I recently finished up my job for 'The Rachel Zoe Project' on Bravo. If you don't know who Rachel Zoe is--she is a fashion stylist for celebs and red carpet events-Demi Moore, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson to name a few. She is also well known for her love of maxi dresses and former clients likes like Nicole Richie.

Perez Hilton hates her.

It was actually one of my favroite shows to work on ever. I don't really talk about it much but I love fashion and styling and clothes--I find it interesting and consider it to be an art form when you get to couture looks. And though some people, you know who you are, would consider my take on taste to bea bit mainstream I did love learning the thought proccess that goes into creating looks for public events of all types.

And with losing so much weight in the past year I have found myself having to get rid of tons of clothing. Things stopped fitting and became cumbersome and awkward but was strange was that I didn't just run out to replace things willy nilly. What I learned from the show was that you really have to take time and think about the look you want to create-the story you want to tell

As a writer I love this.

Since then I have really tried to stop and think beofre I buy clothes. I don't just snatch up easy shirts from Forever 21 Men or shorts from Americna Eagle--I look with an eye towards who I want to be seen as. It's about poking through vintage stores and buying my first pair of boots ever. It's knowing why dark wash jeans are better for most looks and trying on all cuts to seee what really shapes and flatters. It's putting away flip flops and slogan t-shirts for boat shoes and art print t-shirts. It realzing that I have to really think about the man i want to present

That's right. Man. Not boy.

But it's also remembering how much I love color and layers, shorts and comofrt but paired with an eye to building looks and telling stories. I'd like to think there is a million different me and I want to work on finidng a way to expresss that without looking like a store windnow or a walking sales pitch for the local mall.

It's nice when the work I do is more than just a paycheck but something that i can enjoy well after the show has faded away and on to the next thing.

But it does feel gay to admit it

Headhunting

Somehow I have been headhunted. I randomly recieved a call out of the blue room a production company tghat just wants to meet with em to talk about my future. it's not about a current position opening or something in the near future but a company that wants to discuss my acreer goals and see if we can fit together on some project down the line

This doesn't really happen in my line of work

Of course this is super nice bceause I have been feeling very slighted career-wise. The current job that is wrapping up as been driving me insane with all the work i am being asked to finish up alone-the pure amount is staggering and not possible and when I pointed this out i was told it was no big deal becasue they would just hire someone else easily. I'm a monkey to replaced obviously

Fuck you

So between the end of the RZP and my return to BB where there is no room for more growth--I have just been feeling so unimportant in what I do. It has been actually nice to heel like somebody wants to meet me, seees my career as something they want to be a part of and someone who is not just another position to fill because anyone can do it. But still it feels weird to be so sought after.

Being headhunted is a bit more exotic and let needed than I thought

Thank God I Don't Have A Jury of Peers

So of course I got called into jur duty. It happened on Thurday so I spent the night beofre a complete mess--on edge about missing work and losing money, concerned about the fact that Friday night I was supposed to head to downtown LA for the start of Kelly's birthday weekend and whether or not I would be free for the first day of BIg Brother and be able to sign my work contract.

I drove poor Johnno and Edie insane with my stress freakout.

And what was the real bummer about this situation was I was more than living to do jury duty eventually-just not now. I was looking forward to seeeing what it was all about, doing my duty, getting to see how the worked outside of an NBC tv show. it just couldn't be now.

So I headed to the courthouse in a foul mood--ready to pop if I was pushed too hard by the processs. But I did make the courthouse in record time, managaed to get through all my papeer work only to be told by one of the courthouse employees that my time could be rescheduled easily because i fell under the realm of hardship with the entire 'my job is ending during this time period so i will lose and not be able to make it up'. I was totally surprised because I went in with such a bad view and no hope and instead I was out of the courthouse in 20 minutes and off to work.

I made my own drama and then realized I am my own worst enemy. I could go and finish out my job, I would not lose any pay and could head off for the party and everything Ihad lined up easily. In otherowrds it took care of itself.

I have to learn to stop making myself crazy.

Recipes Unwanted

I haven't been able to sit down for two extra seconds as of late. I have been feeling overwhlemed with all of this stress and it is getting in the way of me getting a lot of things done.

Work stress

Now normal i am not the type to get all worked up over-well-work. I can usually turn it on and off--I can be all business and driven and good at what i do and be even better when i leave it all behind at the end of the day. the problem has been how long this job has been lasting-we're already a month over schedule.

Normal this wouldn't even give me pause because more work means less hustling for the freelancer worker. It's just that I am not also commited to return to Big Brother for the summer and if things play out the way they have i will not get any break between the two shows. And Big Brother is the type of show that takes over your life and I would like to plan my life out before it gets taken away from me

And add to this the reality of the current show--that one by one all the guys in my department are leaving for otyher shows and possibly leaving me with the bulk of the work. I'm annoyed because I know that there is a very strong chance I will not be able to finish out the show on my own--and I feel very put upon by a work load that is unrealistic.

And added to that is the fact that EP of teh show keeps offering me a chance to a handful of better things for the show--things that would be a huge boon to my resume but almost impossible to do if I am left to finish up handling the footage and tie up all the loose ends for the deaprtment.

So I feel like I have no control--there is a chance I will have to carry a huge weight of finishing up one part of the show while being fored to turn down a chance to do something even more exciting and with a possible title. I have made it known at the office my worries but I know there is only so much they can do. Add to this--I have jury duty in a week.

That is what they call a hat trick.

And so it is likely I will be at one show up until the next show starts with no break. And since BB's work schedule can be crazy and led to me not being around much during the summer-I just feel like all my free time and choices are running out. i hate it.

And that is teh current recipe for stress.

Random Thoughts

The other day I was talking with my mother about life in general. We were catching up on both of our lives and I was telling her all about Johnno moving into the Dollhouse. She is eager to meet him and when I mentioned that I had to go because he and I had plans she told me that she would like a photograph of me and my special friend.

I hate that phrase.

And as I was on my work today the conversation popped back into my head--I still had yet to send a photo and I needed an old school recipe back from my mom as well. I was considering telling my mother CLEARLY that Johnno is my boyfriend. That is it. No other acceptable words can be used because that is who he is

Which then got me wondering about all the other ways gay couples get described and how much I hate them.

We are not "partners". This is because we do not have our pictures on the sides of public transport advertising our real estate business or workers' comp law office. We do not run a kicky second-hand store on Melrose Avenue or play in professional tournaments.

We are not long term companions. That brings up images of the nurses and care givers that walk their senior charges up and down the neighborhoods of West Hollywood to keep their joints moving. I am not a dog that has been there for the whole family and now hang off a lease as my mid life crisis owner jogs through the streets in the early evening.

But most of all I despise special friends. It makes me think of the sex abuse prevention videos that were all over the TVs in the 80's. The ones where the creepy neighbor as you in for juice or the scout master helps put lotion on your back. Why would I want us referred to as something that-if I was 7 and he was 25-would possibly get him arrested and be an early warning sign for my own safety

And lovers? Well it makes it all about sex which we are ALL about but also smacks of Christopher Walken as the Continental. (which I love but do not want tied to my love life.)


Instead I prefer the following-



Boyfriend- Simple and straight to the point

Beau- Sure it is Southern and very Dandy like but also has it's charming

Hot Piece of Ass- Because it is so true for both of us.

My favorite mistake. Because sometimes that is what being in love feels like


But anything else is nothing else is acceptable. At all!

Quote of the Day

This is the best text I have gotten in awhile because it is so true. it is random and from Kirby so it all adds up.

"Why do i think of Julie Andrews when I see Justin Beiber?"


See-now you can't get it out of your head.

Polyvore is Crack

Every so often I miss my days doing the windows of the Gap. I liked the challenge of creating looks and making things sell. I first found I had this skill at Pier 1 and I still indulge it back decorating the apartment, the boy's old apartment, friends' apartments

It's what I do

And now I have stumbled across Polyvore a few years late to the game but nonetheless I get sucked in hardcore. I can spend hours doing their competitions and just wasting my time.

No I do not want to dress in women's lothing or be a girl. I like my jumk just fine

But seriously-I play for hours

Find me on Polyvore

I don't even understand how it works and it's not very good but i do seem to like it

In the future words of Whitney Houston
"Crack is back"

Weird



That I still find him hotter than sin?

I know I know.

More than Illusion.

Sorry I haven’t written much.

Ever have something that is so special and unique that you’re almost afraid of it? Like the European B-side of a Rufus Wainwright album? Or the latest novel from your favorite novelist. Or maybe the perfect pair of black shoes that you have been stalking for months that suddenly went on sale and they only had your size left?

Like one of those type things.

And it is scary to have those type of things. Like the moment you use it, enjoy, own it then it suddenly feels as if the uniqueness and magic of it would be gone. So you find a million little ways to save it and then you get to the point where it becomes so big and overwhelming that you don’t know how to actually bring yourself to take away the magic.

This is a roundabout way of saying that Johnno is moving in the Dollhouse with Edie, Lola and me. I just haven’t been ready to share that with anyone because it still feels so surreal and fragile and in process but now it is at the point where the information is leaking out randomly and it’s time to make the grand gesture.

I will be living with my boyfriend for the first time ever.

I will also continue to live with the princess and the trouble-maker. In the words of Edie-“It’s going to a non stop dance party”. And it does have that club/slumber party vibe already and it just continues to feel more and more standard and normal.

Insert freak out here.

It came about through my usual combination of random events mixed with serendipity and self examination. I had been trying to figure out the core of my frustration and issues that kept coming up over the course of my weekend-I would just be so stressed and overwhelmed and I would get snappish and moody and I couldn’t figure it out. After a few email exchanges via blogs with a friend in a similar situation, I came to realize that what was really going on was quite simple.

I was upset at wasting time when all I wanted to do was just be able to be with Johnno. I felt like I was constantly running out of time with him and so anything that seemed to get in the way of us just being able to enjoy ourselves made me so ragey and cranky that I was pushing things away.

At the end of the day I wanted to live with him.

But once I realized this-I was at a loss. Because I love the Dollhouse and my roommates, I loved the cheap rent and great location, and it really is my home. I love everything about it from the walls we’ve painted to the art I’ve hung over the years to the crazy amounts of beauty products in any one given location of the apartment. But I love it most of all for the simple fact that it is big enough for a dance party at any given time.

My hands felt tied--I have lived at Woodbridge Park longer than anywhere in my entire life and the idea of giving it up made me nauseous. When a relationship has gone this far in the past I have been able to make timelines about when I would have to deal with moving out to move in with some—usually far off dates that would be adjust so that they stayed far off.. I don’t think I ever did it on purpose but I did it regardless. But with Johnno I felt I couldn’t keep doing that.

I wanted him more than I want my illusion of home centered independence.

So then the question became about what to do with myself.

Inspire and Obsession

New York has glamorous store windows to gawk at up and down it's street but Los Angels makes amazing sets for the whole world to watch. And this week along Melrose Avenue, various stores are doing tribute windows to famous films and television sets... Here are my favorites

A Mad Men inspired window




And of course- a tribute to Auntie Mame



Enjoy the views-more words to come later

PS I Love You

I had an amazing weekend. I alwasy forget how much I pack my time--one night it is drinks in a Hollywood lounge, the next night it's karokee in a dive bar in Venice. It's a cycle of coffee and movie nights, shopping and parties in both the Hills and the Valley. i fill my time so quickly that I began to stress about all the things I have to get done.

I don't HAVE to get anything done.

It took heading down to Palm Springs with Valeska, Kelly and Johnno to spend the night with Joy at her grandfather's house. We spent our time off the radar with movies like Pretty Woman and Grease 2, small fun dinners on the main drag and filled the downtimes with cocktails and naps. It was low key and low stress but made for some serious soul searching.

I realized that I need to set up things in my life in a new way--that I need to make more memories than schedules, more wishlists than to-do lists. That when I choose-I can have an amazing time with those who matter without making it be about anything else

I also realized I am funny. As such-here is the best quote from the whole trip--by me


"I wish life were like that--after you have an emotional outburst, someone just hands you a hanky and sets you up wth a personal shopper."

-Rory regarding Pretty Woman