I’ve Never Been that Coordinated.

I’m doing something stupid—as an adult I should know better, much better. I know I should stop myself but being a silly Rory I just can’t shut of my emotions even when they will hurt down the line. Of course it is about boys. (Sighs abound.)

See—I’m juggling feelings, yearns, desires for 3 different boys. Each boy is a problem—someplace I have been before and should know better about but I can’t seem to help myself. Nothing will really happen in any of the situations and it is mostly due to me. I guess I should explain.

One is Chance—the boy from BB who I fell for last summer, shared some kisses and my intentions with and was hung up on for the rest of last year. I wish he was a bad person, did something bad, made me not like him. But he’s a good person, a kind person, a nice person and was so happy and eager to see me again—all I want to do is throw him against a wall and ask what happened, what I did, how to fix it. I just want to be over him—it’s going to be hard.

Then there is Jesse—cute Mohawk neighbor down the way who I have run into several times now. We have talked several times, I’ve been in his place, and I’m sure he’s straight. Been there, done that and though I’m not sure that he is—I’m steering clear. Even though he has dimples, a nice Mohawk and intense eyes.

Finally there is Derek—the latest problem. We’ve met on-line, we send cute e-mails, comment on each other’s pictures. He’s funny, smart and cute—all the parts I want in the right guy. (At least for dating.) The thing is, he lives kind of far away; not the creepy cross country way but far enough for me to have problems meeting up with him. So I end up kicking myself for getting drawn into a guy that I probably won’t ever meet and I spend my time trying not to care.

And it’s hard to try and juggling feelings for 3 boys that nothing will happen with because it’s stupid. I feel like I’m just making things harder for myself and yet I can’t seem to stop. Maybe I should just go into seminary or something. I do look good in black and God seems pretty good mate material—if not very monogamous.