I See London I See France Don’t Usually Wear Underpants.

I don’t wear underpants—this is something that a handful of people know. (This is mostly due to a trip to Vegas and several stories that aren’t things I’m proud of.) I just don’t like the feeling of a restricted bottom but never say never.

Things started to change with the prom. I decided to go all out; the first year was all about novelty with a cute “newsies” inspired look and the second was all about the difference between chubby and flabby which was me. With the theme of Mardi Gras I decided to go retro Southern—what this meant I wasn’t sure. It wasn’t until I went out for something retail therapy that I found an answer. White pants—very Cajun/pimp like the old 7Up ads.

Of course it didn’t occur to me about how transparent these pants will be. Until I got home and tested the pants in Edie’s room and realized that in the wrong light you could tell a lot about the bottom and where it was bare or thickly carpeted. Not cool.

So this led to an underwear-shopping trip. Now for men there are four types of underpants—thong, jockey briefs, boxer briefs and boxers and for each I have an intense dislike. Thongs (or banana hammocks as Lizzie shrieked the other day) are just nasty and uncomfortable for multiple reasons; they ride up, they aren’t flatter for most people and seem like something Larry from ‘3’s Company’ would wear. Jockey briefs are something every man should give up after the age of 13—they ride up, they look like diapers, are worn by sweaty bible salesmen and nasty--unless you are Tom Cruise in “Risky Business”. Boxer briefs can be cute and are worn by models but look wrong unless you have the right body and are in portion—too long and they look like bike spandex. Boxers are just big, bulky and look like diapers under a lot of clothes—though seeing the tops of them over jeans can be hot.

My best possibility would probably be boxer briefs—even though I’m short (5ft7 baby) and look nothing like Marky Mark. (Now or then.) Off to the stores I went and hoping to find something that worked. The one thing I hadn’t considered was that there are new cuts of boxer briefs—particularly the square cut. Now you can’t really try on underpants so I risked the purchase and hoped that everything would work out.

And did it ever—the cut didn’t make me look too short or dumpy or feel too awkward. I danced all night without feeling constricted or wedge covered. In the mirror I even liked the way the whole package looked though I might need a second opinion. (If interested in giving one please write a 500-word essay explaining why you would make the right judge.) But this discovery has led me to be a little more covered—even though nothing beats being free and clear when it comes down to it.