Apple Pie? Yes Please!

I don't know if this is blog worthy but I just realized that I love farmers. I should move somewhere where the farming industry is based. Like Minnesota. Or Georgia. That overalls are hot and sexy. That most any man can look good on a tractor. It's so All-American

I think I am losing my mind.

Whatever You Want It To Be

So this past weekend was crazy. As Chloe said—I shouldn’t feel bad for not keeping it written down because I have been out and living it. That said—it’s been a bit topsy turvy in everyway possible.

Friday was weird because of work. Not good o bad but the same old thing but it ended on a weirdly melancholy note. See—for most of this show (like all reality shows it seems) I have been paired off with a single editor for all of my episodes. Flynn and I have had a pretty nasty and interesting working relationship because we’re good at what we do and unable to let anyone else be as good which has led to name calling, trash talking and door slamming. But we have also been pretty damn solid with our episodes which makes all the nastiness worthwhile.

But of course—just as we reached a workable groove between us Flynn decided that it was time for him to run off and start a new show. So we spent Friday tying up the loose ends and just spiffing up our shows. And I have to admit I was kind of sad about him leaving, so sad I gave him a bottle of Jack and shoved him out the door. But maybe I’ll get someone better—maybe even cute.

Bummed out that night I spent the first night of the weekend cleaning and straightening things for Kaylee’s first visit. Since she is moving in the spinster’s old room I have been doing my neurotic cleaning and touch ups that make my place look ever so swank. And I made a list of needed things to make it look even swanker. Exciting eh?

I started my Saturday bright and early because I am a good person and offered stupidly to help Valeska cart her stuff to the former address of Ali and Renny. This was selfless and stupid because I should have slept in but instead was up at ass crack (10:00) with Edie and making our way slowly around the town. But the packing went well with some good help and Valeska and the boy seemed quite happy about the whole thing. I was happy that Kelly and I got to do the lunch run so I could eat something that I wanted too as opposed as to what would be the easiest thing for the group.

But in the midst of moving I received three phone calls from Naomi—my friend from back in the teaching/camp days with Ruby and Irene. She and I usually meet for lunch or a film every few weeks and talk a couple times in between but I had never had her call e like this. I assumed she was upset and called her post moving to see what was up. Without giving away to many details of her story it turns out that her mom’s cancer is back in a major way, she has decided to move out of Los Angeles and end her six year relationship with her bad boyfriend. (I am very happy about the last one.)

We spent most of the evening out getting her drunk and crying and talking about things and reasons and scenarios involving the boyfriend and the mother and a million happy things. She bought a new awesome outfit to be single in and pillows for her first real apartment in ages and she almost cut her off at the mall beauty salon until I pointed out that it was a mall beauty salon. Empowerment only goes so far.

Of course then we had dinner and the drunken high abated and the reality of what was going on hit and Naomi grew kind of ragged. At this point we called her sister to come meet us so Naomi would calm down. It took a while to meet up with her but during that time we talked for reals about what was going to have to happen next. Of course during this time EVERYONE ELSE—or so it seemed—managed to text me about what was the plan for that night. Kelly, Tommy, Kaylee, Edie…they each texted me multiple times during a very tough conversation but it did amuse Naomi to no end so it did serve a purpose.

After meeting up with the sister and helping out by driving Naomi’s car back to the house and then the sister dropping me at my house I quickly changed and headed down to Match and proceeded to hang out as Dominic and Tommy got shitfaced while Kaylee and I got buzzed and Kelly and Johnny just seemed amused. We then headed back to Kelly/Johnny’s and even invited Edie and Bradley to join us for more cocktails and conversation. I had a few too many Jack and Gingers—I forgot how good yet strong the are—and we all headed home kind of late.

I then woke up four hours later to head out the door again—this time to 6 Flags with Kelly, Johnny and Tony. (I can’t really complain about this one at all.) We managed to hit all the major rollercoaster by 1:30 which was awesome compared to the last time I was there and I even discovered why I flip out the thought of the rollercoaster. The stupid safety harnesses make me claustrophobia and that’s what scares me—I could give a rat’s ass about hills and turns but the idea of being stuck in the harness makes me hyperventilate.

Mystery solved and homeward bound, I spent the car ride back from 6 Flags thinking about all the things I would do like laundry and cleaning and bills but instead I slept for an hour or two. (Or three) But Sunday did lead me to get something down—and by something I mean showing Kaylee the apartment and the bedroom and making sure she wanted in. Which she does and so now Edie and I have the latest roommate (Recast number 8) but now we have to get Mrs. Garrett to firm up her last day in the apartment. I may have to drive her out.

Which should be a series of blogs—right?

Quote of the Week

"Seriously, raidining her closet could only make you butcher'

Samuel regarding the news of Kaylee moving in.

A Revelation, Not a Rationalization.

I have spent a lot of time making excuses for others and myself. I had allowed myself to be too easily hurt by accusations instead of facts—I consistently questioned my own behavior instead of trusting my judgment. I wanted to make things simple and happy and civil and respectful.

But then I had a huge turning point this past week. I was upset about things, all sorts of things and just beating myself up. It wasn’t until an unlikely source pointed out the obvious—that I was giving too much credit to someone who didn’t deserve it, nobility to someone being selfish. That I needed someone outside of the situtatution to look at it and say clearly—this is fucked up. He is fucked up. You’re fucked up for accepting any of this.

Her arguments made sense. She is right that I have been so busy with my heads in the clouds, idolizing things and places and people that I have lost any perspective. That I have being making excuses for the things I don’t like instead of just saying—this sucks. You suck. Over this.

It was what I needed to hear. What I need to know.


Thanks Miss Janie

Crying Isn't Professional.

I have to remind myself that I do not have to let myself gt worked up about certain things. I knew this would happen eventually and that I would be told but it still hurts to know that it did actually happen. I'm being foolish.

Hiding in the bathroom at work doesn't help.

Fan Meet Shite, Shite Meet Fan

So I went out Monday night with Miss Edie. We hadn't seen each other much this weekend and decided to run errands together and catch up at the same time. As we were leaving Edie got a phone call from Tommy and we decided since we were in his neighbor that we should get coffee. His response? 'Fuck coffee--let's get a drink.'

We met up a bit later at CVS while I bought hair dye and they wander around looking at hair dyers. I made some purchases and tried to find something to snack on since I had not eaten anything since 2 in the afternoon and it was 9:30 already. Edie and Tommy were willing to try and find a bar with food but I knew that Tommy really wanted to head to Pineapple Hill so I said I would be fine.

Now I should know better than to ever drink on an empty stomach but I figured a bloody Mary would be fine. Now since Tommy and Edie hadn't caught up in a while I just sat there and nursed my drink as they talked about everything that happened in their lives in the past month. Without even realizing it I finished my first drink and was on my second before they had even caught their breath.

Of course--since both Tommy and Edie are enablers so they either bought my drinks or convinced me I should have another till i was about 5 drinks in and feeling quite fine. Then Tommy bought me a shot which was quite yummy and I was definately feeling buzzed and jumpy.

I kept looking around the bar and bouncing in my seat as they continued to talk about stuff. I knew I was feeling pretty tight but figured my water intake was helping to balance things out. As I tuned out the conversation around me I was shocked when someone familiar stumbled into the bar. Maybe it was fate, luck or chance but Chance himself was in Pineapple Hill.

Yes--Chance--the Big Brother co-worker, past summer crush, and the man responsible for the most romantic night ever in my life (Hey Joy--remember that?). That Chance had just strolled into Pineapple Hill and I about lost my shite to the amusement of both Tommy and Edie. After a quick show of hands it was decided that I "had" to go talk to him because I "needed" to see what was up. I waited till his friend (female friend) drifted away and I swooped in all casual.

He seemed pleasantly surprised to see me and gave a me a nice hug. I sat down with him and we talked about what was going on in our lives--mostly work and Big Brother and how we were both out of there for good. He was goofy and charming and just like I remembered and I was trying to be the same.

It might have worked but i almost burst when he told me that the reason he was at Pineapple Hill was that he was neighbors! That he no longer lived so far away but up the street and around the way. I was so excited I almost fell of my stool and we talked about how we should hang out more and soon. And I should have left then but I didn't want to leave him at the bar alone.

So I kept talking with him but as I did I slowly realized how drunk I was. Like I could feel the booze flowing in my bloodstream and then I became paraniod that I might be sloppy or slurring my words. So I tried to exit as gracefully as I could when his friend came back up. We said bye and that we would talk soon.

I came back to my table where an amused Tommy and Edie waited. I asked why they let me go over there and they laughed it off. I wanted to sink into the floor but then Chance poked his head around the corner and said 'bye' with a little jaunty wave. I melted a bit.

I now wonder what to do--part of me wants to try and get together with him as friends and just hang out but another part of me thinks I fucked up by being drunk. And Tommy and Edie were no help--they evene ended up buying all my drinks.

Quote of the Month

From Kaylee--just because

In all my experiences of unrequited love, I've never actually told the person I liked them. And I think I figured out why. I think what makes unrequited love so appealing, is it's because it's a false risk. I think when you're deep in unrequited love, you somehow know it's unrequited. So even though there's the fake 'what if he feels the same way' game, you know deep down he doesn't. So there's not really a risk.

It's easy to be passionate about someone on a superficial level when there's nothing really to lose. As I've just started to realize, it's a whole other thing when someone does return feelings for you, because then it's real and messy and uncomfortable because there are real emotions at stake. It's so easy to be passionate and dramatic when you're playing make believe in your head.

I think on some level, people choose unrequited love over real love, because it's easier. Because even though they may long for someone, the hurt isn't coming from another person. It's self-inflicted, so it's easier to bear. There's no fear of rejection, because you're never really putting yourself out there. You can be vulernable without being vulnerable.

It sounds weird, but I think it's true. And it also explains why I would constantly go after guys I knew deep down didn't feel the same way. It's easier to cry about someone you think you can never have because you never put yourself out there, than cry over someone who actually did reject you. Problem is, can't find real love if you hide behind unrequited love.

Rap’s Delight?

Now for something new.

Imagine you are invited to a hip hop night at a bar where a good friend works—there’s even a postcard/posting on myspace with DJ/MC names. You get dolled up with several of your friends—you bring your ghetto pass—and hit the establishment early and start your drinking earlier. But when the DJ starts to warm up the crowd with unheard hip hop songs that are akin to muzak and then announces that the event will begin and some dude goes up and grabs the mic to rap ala ‘8 Mile’---how do you think the night went?

Please give your best recap below.

The Play’s The Thing

So Thursday night I threw on a tie/cardigan and stepped into the past sans DeLoren to head back to high school. Ruby teaches drama at a private school in Hollywood and asked if I wanted to come and see their production of ‘Mid-Summer’s Night Dream’. Now I love Shakespeare so much—I minored in it—but I have a low threshold of bad performances of even the good plays much less the 2nd tier ones.

It was weird for me to be sitting around a quad with the girl’s field hockey team while Kirby and I waited for Heath to join us so we could get our tickets. I never really liked or disliked high school that much but always thought I was a bit too mature to have much fun. But after watching all the girls mingle and squeal and gossip I wonder if I was just being a snob. Of course I saw a few girls who were like I would have been with the all black and coffees and making fun of the giggly heifers but they seemed a bit too bored and trying to hard.

Finally Heath showed up and we made our way through the girls as the parents showed up. (Random side note—there were celeb parents there like Sean from ‘General Hospital’. I didn’t swoon.) We took our seats and settled into the gym where the stage was set up. I was impressed by the quality of the set and the obvious money they had at their disposal even though it looked like it was inspired by Demi Moore’ bedroom sense in ‘St. Elmo’s Fire’ with blowing fabric similar to her curtains in the scene where she’s all freaked out about the coke. That being said—the show came to a slow start and I loved it.

It’s weird to see a play being done in a high school gym that is not only better done than anything you’ve seen in the last few years in Los Angeles theatre but that these high school kids managed to take a play I hate and make me care and root for things to all work out. I think it’s a huge testimony to Ruby’s great skills as a director (as well as how she really connects as a teacher) that I managed to either forget or ignore all my issues with the play. From top to bottom it was amazing. Even Kirby got into the show and she hates Shakespeare.

As we wander out at the end of the show through the proud parents and squealing teens and bashful boyfriends with their flowers I couldn’t help but be a little jealous. Not of being that young or even still in high school but of what it would have been like to go to a school like that and have a teacher like Ruby in my life back then. Would I have wanted to be an actor, would I learned to love the most dull of the bard’s works? Would I have been less bored and aloof as a teen? It’s an interesting thought.

Though it still kills me that one couple in the play only works out due to magic and trickey. It just seems so unfair. But that’s probably because I can’t use magic to make someone love me.

Cardigan, Merlot, and Prose

So this weekend was a bit tiring but a much needed break from social things... I realized that I hadn’t been super honest about how I was feeling because I have been constantly pushing things down for the benefit of others. It might sound like I’m coming down on people—my friends—for saying that but I made the choice to stay silent.

It didn’t really help that in the aftermath most people just trashed my relationship and the boy to my face pretty quickly. And that makes it hard to be honest and raw when on some level you suspect that the person you’re talking to is judging you for being stupid to have given some much to someone so clearly not deserving.

So I just stopped putting my feelings out there when I was out with people. Part of the reason I kept such a low profile wasn’t that I wanted to be alone but I wanted to talk about my feelings and the boy and my mistakes but felt that I didn’t have an avenue to. Which is unfair in some cases but true in others. But now I know where I went wrong that in that thought process.

Of course I realized all of this after spending a night or two with Dorothy Parker and cheap merlot and cuddly clothing. Which was originally what I was going to be writing about but I chose to be honest instead.

Thanks to Heddy for giving me room to be honest. I think I needed it.

Music Fun

I love music and this past few weeks has been about a ton of music. This doesn’t even include the gift cd I got from a very good friend. (Though we both like the same song which I had just bought before it arrived on my mix CD.)

1) Hey School Boy by Stefy

2) Rehab by Amy Winehouse

3) Goody Two Shows by Adam Ant

4) Popular by Nada Surf

5) Undone by Weezer

6) I Get Around by Dragonette

7) My Mood Swings by Elvis Costello

8) Buddy Holly by Weezer

9) 9-5 by Lady Sovereign

10) Us by Regina Spektor

11) Beverly Hills by Weezer. (Wow—I must be Emo to have three,)

12) Ladykillers by Lush

13) Tramp by Salt N Peppa

14) Son of A Gun by Missy Elliot with Janet Jackson and Carly Simon

15) No More Words by Berlin

16) Jonny Are You Queer by the Go Go’s

17) So Jealous Boy by Fabs

18) Deceptacon by Le Tigre

19) Oh Yeah by the Cliks

20) Too Drunk to Fuck by Nouvelle Vague

How I Feel Today



Just in General

real quote of the week

"sure, we all want to have sex, be loved, get taken out and wined and dined and 69'ed, but sooner or later the wine runs out, the plates are cleared, and all your left with is one fucking messy bed."

Chloe regarding relationship messes.

Quote of the Week

Sunday Fun

"She needs a long drive through Slap City..."

Trotsky regarding Anita recent game playing

Flip Flop


I had forgotten how pedistrian things have been as of late. I can't blame the higher ups on this one but rather myself for forgetting which way things roll in my little piece of the world. Who I should trust and listen to, where I stand with certain people but I do pride myself on knowing when I am 'over it'. Which is a good enough place to get back to where I was before this amnesia.

That said--I need to figure out several things

50 Whores on Stage and None of Them Are Us.

So this past weekend I took to the road and hit up Palms Springs with some of the girls. (Kelly, Lizzie, Joy, Valeska, Sabine and Tanya.) Joy’s granddaddy has a house down by PS and so she thought it would be cool just to jaunt down for a weekend and see what kind of trouble we could get into. Valeska Kelly and I headed down after work on Friday—though I took a chance and skipped out early from work to get a quick haircut and pick up some pants I had altered at my tailor’s. (I love tailors because it’s like getting new pants for next to nothing.) So after a quick nap I met up with the girls and we took to the open road. There was gossip and traffic and music as well as plans made. It turns out that Metal Skool was performing at Margano Casino that night so we were going to see the best hair band tribute act ever.

That night at the show was pretty funny—due to the traffic we stopped at the casino before the house which led to Valeska Kelly and I all changing up our outfits like hookers at the casino. The plus side was that we got into the Key Club to see the opening act which was so young I think that we could have parented all of them. But they were cool and their friends were dorks and were all kicked out after the set since they weren’t over 21. Then Metal Skool prepped to take the stage as the other girls arrived.

The show itself was good but most of the girls hadn’t seen the band before so it was new to them. The sexy funny sleaziness of the band came through and was only heightened by the fact that every drunk, slutty, white trash girl (minus our group) appeared dancing on stage at sometime during the set. There was even a few topless one. Weird and funny until the end of the evening when one of us got punched—by accident—and we left the club deaf and defeated.

Soon we were having snacks and reading trashy magazines back at Joy’s house after a bit of scariness at the gate. It seems we were posing as Karen—Joy’s mother—and the security guy was quite confused. But we made our way through the track houses that LOOKED ALL THE SAME and into the fabulous house. (Think the set of ‘Golden Girls’ with bamboo looking furniture, religious plates and glass statues.) Tanya and I explored the house with her camera, documenting the clown art, the doggy art and the misplaced Asian screens. I felt like I was Rhoda without the head scarf.

The next day was spent poolside with the cast of ‘Cocoon’ and two pools with shade for Sabine. It was quite nice, quiet and relaxing—I even made time to swing on the playground which was designed for the grandchildren of the community. Good times if not good pictures. We then made yummy burgers—rather Sabine made the burgers—snacked and listened to music before taking showers and naps. We then headed in for a nice dinner in town with Mexican food where I found out that we were celebrating my birthday with flan. (Fuck you Joy!!!) Then we hit the local pub where Lizzie filmed the various hot, scary, slutty locals as a bad cover band played inside. Good times.

Then we headed home where I proceeded to do some grilling—not burgers—grilling for gossip. I learned a lot about everyone and I hope they learned a little more about me. There was much debate about Anna Nicole’s baby daddy, Brittney’s rehab and Jennifer Hudson’s ugly ass dress as well as Tanya and I doing some minor redecorating.

It was a late night that was topped off with me trying to scare the crap out of Lizzie with some clown art as Tanya tried not to laugh. We almost stole Joy’s at mitzvah video, tried on granddad’s hats and even posed for pictures in the whirlpool tub. Bed came way to soon—even with the lost hour.

Sunday started with just me, Valeska, Kelly and Joy heading out early afternoon since the others took off earlier in the morning. We hot the outlets and shopped and bought shoes (all of us) and accessories and worked our way through 150 some odd stores. It was good times and we still got home rather quickly. It was good times.



Random Quotes

‘Can’t sleep, clowns will get me.’

‘Night Suze. Night Bob.’

‘Well, he’s an intimidating crowd of people.’

‘It’s so ‘Golden Girls’ I want some shoulder pads and cheesecake.’

‘Hey grampy. Your neighbor Ken says hi. Is his wife’s name really Barbie?’

‘Jane is for smart girls or is it old girls?’

'Karen’s my mother’s name. So you’re now my mother.’

‘That little boy is going to be asking his mom what dirty hot is.’

‘Oh man—the golf cart is broken.’

‘Oh look—this week it’s Metal Skool—next week is Inxs—you would think they would have airbrushed that photo.’

‘I’m just doing my best Oprah.’

‘Happy birthday Rory.’

Weirdness Abounds

So I have been feeling a bit off as of late. It started the other night when Jac stopped by and said that we should hang out this weekend. She wants to make sure we get some time in before she moves to New York. And I had totally forgot about that plan of hers till that night. And it how much seems like things have been changing in fast forward over the last year and half.

I mean between the roommates being switched around and the couples breaking up and people moving away and people getting rather serious in their love lives and engagements and the boy leaving and Kirby in love and babies and now Jac leaving and the reality of Edie leaving mostly within the next year and not seeing much of anyone anymore more by device than design.....

I know that all of these things are necessary and good and healthy but I can't help feeling left behind. Like someone I have missed some big ass step to being an adult and moving forward with my life. It makes me a little scared and weaky and flighty and just out of sorts.

I'm totally overthinking things.

Thanks Ever So Much

I had an amazing weekend. Some of you were a part of it so thanks. Booze, boys, broads and bars jsut all teamed up to rock it out. It just worked on all four angles.I don't think I've been this happy in awhile.

So a special thanks to Miss Chloe for telling me how to feel. And making me feel good.

So this morning I headed out of my building to wait for Tommie by the curb. As I hit full day light and lit my smoke I had my first sign of life for the day. And that sign was a Los Angeles Country Prision Bus driving down my street.

That's right--a prision bus straight out of 'The Fugative.' I half expected to see Tommy Lee Jones driving it. It's a fucked up way to start the day.

I almost headed back to bed.

Crazed

I am SO excited about Chloe coming to town today that I can barely pull myself together. This on top of TWP forums being down as driven me insane.... But an awesome weekend is coming up.... YEAHAHAHAHAHAH

I am SO excited about Chloe coming to town today that I can barely pull myself together. This on top of TWP forums being down as driven me insane.... But an awesome weekend is coming up.... YEAHAHAHAHAHAH