Have and Want

“Try to put your happiness before anyone else's, because you may never have done so in your entire life, if you really think about it, if you are really honest with yourself.”Margaret Cho

I have been thinking a lot about this quote as of late. Recently the boy and I had to split up our weekend plans; he had a birthday party for a West Hollywood friend of his and Dominic was having one of his film nights for gang in the Valley. One of the hardest parts of any relationship is trying to figure out how to balance your life, your plans, your schedule and your friendships with whomever you’re dating—but this was the first time I really felt that Johnno and I had faced this issue.

And I did feel really guilty in the week or so leading up to the parties—on one hand, Johnno has been to so many events with my friends where as I have only had a handful with his, but then Dominic really tried to move the film night around to accommodate a slew of us and I was one of the people he took into consideration. But as I thought about the weekend and all its plans, I found myself saying that “I have to go” in regards to the film night.

It wasn’t until one of my nocturnal coffee walks that I realized that I really ‘”wanted” to go to Dominic’s for the film festival. That I shouldn’t feel bad about making that choice, that it didn’t make Johnno’s party any less important or make my relationship with him any more or less one-sided. That if I really sat down and thought about my life, I spend too much time thinking that I “have” to do things instead of “wanting” to do things.

The truth is, if I am honest with myself, the only things I have to do in life is eat, sleep, paying my bills and that’s it. I don’t “have” to hang out with people, or call my family, or work more at a job or diet and workout. I do those things because I want to. There is no shame in saying that—it doesn’t make me a bad person for realizing that the choices I make in life can come from being about myself more than being about expectation.

So often we put ourselves into situations where we feel forced to do things rather than choose them. We do things out of imagined obligation, out of self imposed guilt or expectations that we some created in our own head. At the end of our lives, those moments where we feel forced, put up or choice less are not the moment we’ll wish we had. And there is something freeing about owning our actions out of desire than internal pressure—it makes the choices more pleasurable, more rewarding and more important.

I work out because I want to look good, I put extra time into my job because I want to succeed for myself, I write my blog because it clears my head, I talk to the boy every night because I want to hear his voice. My relationships exist and grow from my own words and deeds; I am the best friend for those I choose to be, I am the son I am because I work to be that person, I am the words I give myself out of my own determination.

And by allowing this, I take so much pressure off of myself. Are there times where I will be torn? Be disappointed in myself or other? Wonder if I could be more and done more? Of course. But at the end of the day, I sleep better because I know I choose to make my own happiness and my existence on my own terms and for my own purposes.

How can I not be happy about that?