Cusp

I have been of a wreck this weekend—anxious and tender, prone to over indulgence or underestimating what I need, on pins and needles or running on adrenaline. There’s been a whole lot of all or nothing type behavior which can be great at times but draining at others.

See, the truth is I am on the cusp of getting everything I want. It sounds vainglorious, trite, and egocentric but it is where I stand at this moment. But conversely I am always at the end of being uncertain about everything; subjected to the whims of others, the winds of fate, the universe at large.

This past week I finally got the phone I had been waiting for—the producers at my summer job, ‘BB’, called me in to talk about my future with the show and particularly about promotions. This sent me into a bit of a tizzy because I have wanted so long for this moment to happen but I have always been scared of when and what would happen next.

And so on Friday I went to have my meeting with the higher ups; one of whom I have been friendly with since my first season on the show and the other who I know mostly by sight and an exchange here and there. I could barely figure out how to get dressed, how to string two sentences together, how to keep myself from looking how I felt. It didn’t help matters that the meeting didn’t start till about 20 minutes after it should have and I found myself trying not pace but pacing all the same.

I think I managed to make a good impression during the meeting; there was a lot of talk about my resume, my life goals, about various opportunities for me with the show if I want them. And even feeling that strong and happy coming out of the office, I still felt like I had somehow managed to not be 100 %. I have always subscribed to the idea of not splitting your options and spent most of the meeting fixated on one aspect of the show but didn’t take advantage of the ideas that were being floated my way.

It wasn’t until later with the boy that I realized how much my single-mindedness felt like a bad decision in retrospect. I was at a loss at what to do to try and recoup whatever ground I gained and it wasn’t until the boy and I talked things out that I decided to send my thank you email with an explanation of sorts about where I was coming from. Thankfully one of the producers replied quickly and explained that he understood exactly what I was talking about and not to worry.

Added to my weekend was the fact that Johnno is looking to make a move over to the Valley side and away from Mar Vista. If you know Los Angeles, you know that having someone live that far away when dating can be a bit hard—add to the fact that I don’t drive and it becomes a bit of a handicap at points. So we spent the remainder of Friday looking at various apartments that we found on-line and stumbled across one that could be perfect.

It is right in the middle of everything between being walking distance from my house, easy access for him to get to work and near a bunch of the group. The neighborhood was one that Kelly and Lizzie had lived in back in the day, looked cute and did just barely fit into the price range. We called to try and set up a look see for this weekend but the manager/owner never called us back and so we’re waiting to hear if it is even still available.

But the best part of the apartment is the way it will free up our relationship. So much of our time together is very much in synch but there are time when we want to see each other more, other times when we need to be apart to do separate things but it’s hard to look at one another and say ‘okay—go away for a bit and come back around later’. This apartment would free us from that feeling and would be a huge boon. I think we’re both very aware of this and on the edge of our seats to see what comes out of this.

And so I feel like I am on the cusp of having everything all at once—the perfect job, the perfect relationship set-up, the perfect living situation, the perfect life for now. And yet I feel nervous because so much of this feels like it could not happen, that it could go awry. I don’t deal well with ‘wait and see’ and so I feel like I am crawling out of my skin at points.

It’s like hanging on the edge by fingers and toes.