A Moment of Clarity

I have been wrestling with a major decision as of late as part of an overall attempt to really just take charge and find some new focus in my life. Part of this process has been really about looking at works in my life and what I could stand to change—which has led me to examine everything from eating down to my friendships. As of late, I had been wrestling with what makes a friendship work and when is a friendship not really a friendship anymore…

The funny thing is that this entire internal dialogue was a very backburner type thing—something I ponder while I waited on people or things to happen. This is partially because—as Edie is prone to point out—not working can make you crazy and overly critical and partially because I just hate the idea of closing the chapter on relationships of any sort. But then I had a couple nights is a row where I woke up out of a deep sleep thinking about certain people. I’m not sure why or what I was dreaming but I just found myself snapping out of heavy fog to very clear thoughts. Like creepily clear.

Now the truth is—I don’t really expect a lot from my friends. I ask only loyalty and honesty and everything else is open for discussion or interpretation. What that means is I would rather you say what you feel then kowtow to my emotions or expectations—I want you to be who you are and sometimes it is not going to gel with who I am. I tend to be close friends with only those I admire on some level, and the one trait I admire most in people is their ability to know and own themselves first and foremost. Outside of that I tend to be free flowing when it comes to the little things that make friendship—I don’t need a call everyday or to hang out all the time. Part of what makes people interesting is the experiences they bring to the table and I like to imagine that everyone I care about is off doing something awesome.

So when I reach the edge of my rope with friendship things have to have been lackluster for awhile. And that is where I am right now—at a point where I can’t continue to feel as if I am doing the chasing or the heavy lifting and I have to (for my own piece of mind) put things in perspective. And where that leaves me is knowing that maybe some of my friendships have reached their natural end—that whatever it was that bonded us has faded or changed or grown into something that is no longer sharable. Which is fine.

And I knew it was fine was when I woke up last night and felt myself let go of certain feelings. There was no emotionally output but just a sense of calmness—like it was time. I guess that is what happens sometimes in life. We realize that some people can only be with us for part of the road and that when the road forks off sometimes we part—not out of anger or sadness but that it is the way things have to be to continue to grow. It gives me serenity to feel this way. No sadness here—just memories of who we were and hope that we can be better parted and in our futures.