The Emotional Six Pack
Episode Five

Now every romantic lead in a sitcom needs a friendly ear, and since my dating life is on its way to becoming one I figured—using my friends—I should break down the kind of backup one needs when hitting the dating world.

The Slut. This friend has done everything twice and has told everyone about it at least once when they shouldn’t have. They almost never go home alone, they always have that one medical scare that makes you realize you’re not that bad off and they clear out the deadweight because they end up with one person in the bar that’s looking for a fun lay. But they never really judge you because whatever you did is never ‘that bad’ compared to them, they totally know what that ‘thing’ is that you think you want to try sexually and always know where’s there a free clinic and are willing to drive because its just one of things that you have to do as a sexual responsible adult.

The Informer. The informer is probably the greatest asset all around when it comes to dating. They know what club/bar/party to go, they know what you should wear and when to wear it, and they always have the latest song that you should ‘know’ for when you go out dancing. They are a crash course in the ins and outs of hitting the single scene successfully. They are also quite good at getting information—they will (after five minutes) find out for you everything you wanted to know about the cute guy at the end of the bar and are glad to be of service.

The Barometer. The barometer is probably the odd one in the group—not just in category but in purpose. They, at various times, can make you look thinner, smarter about the subject at hand, more cultured about a scene which sounds mean but is totally true. Sometimes they’re that one friend that doesn’t belong out with you; like the token single girl who comes out with you to the hottest gay club in West Hollywood just to dance. What’s good about this friend is that you can tell if the person who you are chatting up is a good one because if that guy talks to the barometer then you know the guy you want is nice.

The Coupled. They constantly give you proper perspective when in the dating scene. They have advice on what makes a relationship work because they’re in the trenches and can always break a guy down without any of that ‘you meeting guys and I’m not’ jealousy getting in the way. (Although you are at points secretly jealous of the fact that they have an awesome partner and they are secretly jealous that because you’re single you can run off to Vegas ‘just because’ without having to be responsible for someone else. They also remind why you are out there dating—to have a happy ending like theirs.

The Go Getter. This friend is the one who makes the night happen. He always has a story because they take chances which always seem to end with ‘and then Brad Pitt showed up!’ They are the first to suggest tequila shots, push you towards the really hot girl you’re too scared to talk to and end up leading the gang as you dance your way across the tables. They see no barriers, only things you haven’t succeeded at yet and when you hang with them it’s like being with the coolest, funniest, and dangerous person in the room. They know how to set it off and keep it going.

The Observer. This friend is always paying attention and knows enough about human behavior and body language to tell you more about something than you would have ever guessed. They are usually quiet but always aware of what’s going on and what it all means--the first to notice the guy’s wedding ring or that hot girl has been at every guy’s table scoring free drinks. They know when you have too much to drink to realize the kind of guy you’re talking to or that the hot guy is staring at the Slut’s happy trail while talking you to thus meaning you’re wasting your time. And they’re always a good listener with an outsider’s viewpoint.

The best thing about having a group of friends like this is that together they give you a complete picture of what you’re doing, how you’re doing it and what to do next. They’re honest and funny and supportive without judging or dismissing the process because they’ve been there right with you. And while the roles can change a lot (like when you go to the S & M themed club and the barometer knows more about spanking then the rest of you combined) there’s something comforting in having those roles being filled.