Ashes to Ashes
Episode Four

So I recently had a bad break up. I was heavily involved with a man named Samuel who for all intensive purposes should have never been my boyfriend. Now of course there is the standard mourning period post break up: get drunk, eat ice cream, watch 'Beautiful Thing', get mad, go out and dance with strangers, and talk it to death with the nearest and dearest. And then you finally wake up one morning and you just don't care anymore. It happens.

Now, during the break up I had fallen of the radar socially, so in my new improved state of mind I hit the social whirl with a fierceness that boarded on impossible to maintain. Everything was a reason to be dressed up, pleasant and funny with smiles and witty conversations. In the spirit of this I hit the beach for an 'end of the summer' bonfire to welcome back an old friend to Los Angeles. Because it was a bonfire on the beach I was all dressed up in what I call my 'Karate Kid' chic look--tan and white sweater with tousled hair and A&F shorts while everyone else was in 'walk the dog' clothes. It was nice to be out by the ocean even if there were too many planes flying overhead.

As I was making s'mores with a handful of my girls, I was surprised to see a random friend of ours, Nicky, show up at the fire pit. Nicky is someone we have known since college; he works in the industry like most of us but is usually too busy to come to most social outings. I felt a bit weird seeing him because like me, he was the only other gay man present at the event. It didn't help that he was also my 'good on paper' or GOP.

Most everyone at some point in their life has ‘GOP’—that person with whom you have so much in common between interests and goals and just the general things that seem key to building a strong relationship but there is just one thing off. This is not to be confused with ‘the one that got away’ which is somebody you had dated and had a great relationship with but something got in the way of a long term match. The ‘GOP’ is never really someone you date but seems like you should date, want to date or would make sense for your date.

Now Nicky and I have had this relationship of sorts off and on. We shared the same friends, worked in various aspects of the same industry, both wanted families and loved to explore, travel and being artistic. We had a brief involvement for the better part of a year—not dating but casual hook ups that lead to awkward moments with little chance of a full romantic follow through. We hadn’t, since the last series of hook ups, spent any time together but had a series of unexpected run ins at various functions.

What makes this annoying to me is that one some level I always believed that Nicky and I could be a viable couple if we gave it a shot. I never really told him because he was always so quiet and removed after our little hook ups that it seemed to be point less to do so. And what was even more annoying is that whenever I seemed to be lonely or down Nicky would just appear and we would have these moments of intensity where it was obvious to most of our fiends that we are still very attracted to each other but not willing to try and do anything about it.

That’s where my head was at as I laid out on the blanket by the fire, just trying to pretend that I wasn’t attracted to Nicky, because there’s no point to chasing a GOP. It will never work no matter how many mixed moments we have. Because even though he chose to share my blanket at the fire pit, even though we talked about my break up and how he thought I was attractive enough to get another relationship right away, that even though he played with my hair….

For a second I wondered where it could have gone—if we were just different enough to make it work. But as the fire died out and we packed up to head home I realized the fact that there’s a GOP means there still has to be a Mr. Right. And that’s what I’m after; not another pit stop along the way. And the fact he thought I looked good means I still have it.

And that I need to work that look more often to find someone is better than ‘good on paper’.